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My heart is in shambles :/

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My heart is in a place of numbness that makes it hard for me to write. I haven’t been able to cry over the Cohort other than a little bit when he called me the other day. What he called to say, is that he is deleting my number. He said it’s too tempting for him to call or text me.

I don’t understand. I don’t understand at all how he can claim he misses me, say it’s hard not to contact me, but still be unwilling to give me love, affection, and emotional exclusivity. He knows damn well I’m not asking for a sexual commitment, but I never, ever want to go through what I went through that night he took a woman to a party again.

What cuts me to the core, is that the night before he did that, is when I had finally told him I love him. It felt like a kick in the face. It’s not just that he went to the party with someone either- he’s right, we did not have a commitment and he did not do something technically wrong. It’s that he knew I was distraught over it, and it didn’t stop him.

I just know, that if the roles were reversed and it had been me, there is no way I could have run out and had fun, knowing someone I cared about was hurting because of it. Never. If the Cohort was the one that was suffering, I would have turned right around and been there for him, forget some other person or a swinger party.

I feel betrayed. I feel angry, furiously angry, and I can’t seem to let go of that feeling, no matter how irrational. I am deeply hurt, but I cannot seem to access the pain. I vacillate between rage and a sickening numbness.

I’m afraid of my feelings because they remind me so much of what I went through when my mother tried to commit suicide. When the doctors said she was going to die, other people cried, but not me. I was stoic and carrying on like normal, able to deal with all the doctors and nurses and other people’s concerns, yet deep down I felt a burning anger that continues to this day.

I’ve been waking up at 4 am, unable to sleep, my thoughts and heart racing, unable to get him off my mind, but still I can’t cry. When he called me to say he is deleting my number, the floodgates were opened, for just a little while. It felt so final and so painful. I felt so abandoned, all over again.

Yet, some of the things he said, just infuriated me. He said he does care, that he was not telling the truth when he said he doesn’t feel affection for me, that he thinks I am special and that he feels really bad for not wanting a committed relationship with me. Yeah, fuck him. A man who meant those words would be backing them up.

I looked back at some of my posts after the Professor and I ended things. I cried and cried. Yet, I didn’t feel half for him what I felt for the Cohort. I’m so devastated that I think I’m disassociating, like I’ve done with some of the more traumatic events of my childhood and life. I’ve been able to function, work, live, almost like nothing is wrong.

I hope that this isn’t going to affect me permanently, that someday I will be able to be vulnerable and open my heart again. Right now, I’m having my doubts. I feel like I gave the best of what I have to offer to the Cohort, he saw more of the real me than anyone ever has and if he didn’t love me for it, no one ever will.

The last few times I saw him, I was so full of love and affection I thought I was going to explode! When he hurt his foot and I was there by his side, I felt like this is a man I could love for the rest of my life. Even if he was old and sickly and needed taken care of, I would be happy just to be with him. I’d never felt like that about anyone, and it meant nothing to him. Nothing!

The time before that, on his birthday, his face and head had been covered with a terrible razor burn rash that he was trying to get rid of. I remember thinking how handsome he still looked to me, that it didn’t matter, I would still pick him over any man in the world. I freaking adored him! That he could be so disloyal to ME, just burns.

On the one year anniversary of the day we met (and HE was the one who brought up and remembered that) we had gone out to eat and had this absolutely beautiful day together. Everything felt perfect and wonderful. We sat on the patio of a lovely Mexican restaurant and drank margaritas. He had loaned me his jacket because of the cool air and was smiling about how big it looked on me.

Afterwards, he took me along shopping for some things he needed at the mall. We were in a department store and he was trying on clothes. A woman in the waiting area of the dressing room asked if he was my husband and commented on how happy we looked together. She told me she had been married for 30 years and now that the kids were out of the house it was like she and her husband were dating all over again, that it was so much fun. It seemed at the time, almost like a sign of what was to come, for us, even though that doesn’t really make any logical sense.  It just FELT that way.

Heck, when I was working for the Cohort and at his house often, I was even happy just doing simple things like the laundry together. I remember feeling like this just feels so RIGHT. He feels like my other half, like someone I should be with forever and it feels so WRONG to be ending things but I know I can’t handle being strung along and feeling unloved. It’s like my gut and my heart are just all fucked up and giving me all the wrong signals because they keep telling me I should be with someone who I guess doesn’t feel the same way. I feel so lost and confused, like I’m going the wrong way, but it seems like my only option.

Meanwhile….

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As seems to be my tendency when I am suffering from heartache, I am numbing myself with sex. I can’t cry. I can’t seem to feel and every time I think of the Cohort, my stomach just ties into knots and my heart sinks. I’d do just about anything to avoid thinking about him, to get away from the memories that seem to be jogged at every turn.

So the other night, I slept with the Boring guy again. He had called me, surprisingly, despite getting rather coldly dumped when I found out I was pregnant the second time (see, men DO always come back!!). Nothing has changed. He was, as usual, boring.

He has a routine and he sticks to it religiously. This means, every Friday night he eats wings for dinner. He plays the same playlist each time we have sex. He insists I drink the same drink at his place, which is apple flavored Crown Royal and Diet Coke.

He lives, literally, right behind an entertainment complex. His apartment is a part of it, yet he never wants to do anything there other than go to the same boring old bar. It’s not a financial thing either, he’s the same guy that bought me $200 boots and nice perfume for Christmas. He makes good money, he just doesn’t like to do anything new.

The times he has taken me out to eat, we have gone to the same exact restaurant all but once. He says he is a “creature of habit”. The sex is okay, but it’s just….the same. He wears a condom and can’t cum with one on, so it seems pointless. It’s hard for me to feel satisfied with sex when I haven’t been able to get a guy to orgasm.

The worst part is the questions he asks me though. He seems to think I should be obsessing over his body (he works out regularly and runs in races- he likes to show me his medals). He will be like “does my frame feel different to you baby?” Uh, what? I could honestly care less about his “frame”.

This is the guy who sends texts that say things like “I’m working out to get in shape for you baby”. It’s such a turnoff to think of a man preening for me. Yuck! Oh and he sometimes wears G-string underwear. Sooo full of himself. :p

He will ask “are you still feeling it from last night baby?” The next fucking day! Um, no, I don’t feel anything the next day. Am I supposed to?? How do you answer questions like that without either lying or seeming rude? Really, you can’t. So I play along, but come on.

Anyhow, it kind of made me laugh when he asked me that this time, because I had actually left his house, still horny, and went and fucked the Married Man. The Married Man, has been begging me for months to fuck him again. I kept putting him off.

Well, except for one time. One time, a couple of months ago, he had offered to pay me to come help him with folding his laundry. He said his wife was overwhelmed and was going to lose her mind if he didn’t help her get caught up on the laundry.

It felt pretty shady, but he put up a fake Craigslist ad, using MY email, as if it were from me, and then pretended to respond to it. I was supposedly a person who was offering in home services, like folding laundry. I was thinking that this really wasn’t that great of a cover up, if his wife DID happen to walk in the door. She had caught him sexting me once a long time ago and there is a good chance she would remember what I looked like.

In any case, I went to his house and I really did help him fold a lot of laundry. There were baby clothes amongst the piles and I was like, wait a minute- did you have a baby? He said yes, he had a 3 month old. I admit that made me feel a little bit guilty.

It also felt weird to be folding his wife’s laundry and seeing her (and his!) ratty underwear. Please, remind me, if I ever get married again, to NEVER let my underthings go to pot! He says they aren’t having sex. With a new baby, that is somewhat understandable but I’m sure sexier undergarments would help a little too. I felt sorry for her. :/ Oh, and she wears the same size bra I do…

Anyway, its not like its just me. He had a “girlfriend” for quite some time on the side but he said she was getting too attached and he didn’t want things to interfere with his relationship with his wife. He also told me a recent story about a threesome he was having with two women where one of them asked to call over a 3rd. He said SURE and the person that showed up was *surprise* a tranny!! He said he could never have sex with that woman again after watching her have sex with the tranny. He and the other woman were in shock. I can’t say I blame him, that isn’t the kind of SURPRISE most people are banking on, regardless of how open minded you are.

Point being, it’s not just me he’s fucking on the side. So, I don’t feel THAT bad. I’m definitely not emotionally attached or trying to take him away from his wife. In fact, that is the LAST thing I would want. He was actually freaking me out with some of the stuff he was saying whilst we were fucking the other night, but I’ll get back to that in a minute.

Back to the laundry. I was folding and he came downstairs and fucked me every which way on the couch before I finished. Then, some kind of contractor his wife had called came to the door and I went back to pretending to be the laundress while they talked about the state of the foundation of the house, at the kitchen table. He paid me for the laundry service and I left. Crazy.

He still texts me almost every day wanting sex. Most days I turn him down but he is persistent. Every once in awhile, I’m like what the hell, especially when things are going bad with the Cohort.

So the other night, I left the Boring guy and agreed to meet with him. It was late and he told me to meet him 10 minutes away, in the parking lot of a small restaurant. There was a man still there cleaning up, and he started to walk up to me in my car, right before the married man pulled up. Whew!

He told me to get in the back and take off my clothes. So I’m naked, other than a thong, and he was driving. He reached behind the seat to play with my nipples. At a stoplight he started undoing his pants and had me lean over the middle to give him a blowjob. His hand was feeling on my ass, which was in the air.

He was driving around trying to find a place to stop and finally settled on a dead end road in front of a house with the lights off. He climbed in the back and immediately started to go down on me. I was hoping he couldn’t taste the condom that the Boring guy had been wearing.

We were in all kinds of positions that I didn’t even know you could do in the back of a car. As he was fucking me, he started saying things like “tell me you will have my baby”. Yikes! I was like “no”. He’d say, “say it! say you will have my baby, come on”. I was totally freaked out and saying “no, no, no, no” and he kept pushing for a yes. Then he said “I’m just talking shit”. I was relieved for a minute but then he started saying he was going to leave his wife for me. He was saying that and that he wanted me to have his baby (again). I tried to tell myself, okay, this is just a fantasy thing, he said that, lol, but still…

The sex though, was good. 😉 Afterwards he asked if it had been a long time for me and I said “not that long”. LMAO. Yeah, like an hour before I came over. 😉 He was complaining that his wife never wants to have sex anymore and I said yeah that sounds like married life.

Now he wants me to commit to seeing him more often, but I’m not giving any promises. I said if and when we both have the time.

Did I mention Mr. Poly has tried to resurface a couple of times? Oh, and the Pilot. I fucked the Pilot on his lunch break from his new job (he does something with mutual funds). He was in a suit and tie and he took me out to lunch right across from where he works. Then, we fucked in the parking lot in the back of my van. There was another couple, fucking, a few cars over. He had to wipe up cum with the undershirt he had on then threw it away.

I’ve since been informed that you can get sex offender charges for fucking in public like that. Kind of scary. I should probably be much more careful. I have a history of getting careless when my heart is broken too. I just don’t want to think of the Cohort. 😦

A friend in need…isn’t shit?

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Some of you may be wondering what ever happened to the Cohort. Well, he DID come back after his disappearance. He called to talk, about a week and a half later. I was happy to hear from him. He said he was surprised he didn’t hear from ME. We spoke briefly, then a few days later he texted me. Things seemed like they were getting back to normal.

Bright and early the next morning, I got a phone call. I was still half asleep. It was the Cohort and he had injured his foot at a boxing gym the night before. He said he’d been attempting to get back in shape and was in a lot of pain. He’d been up half the night hurting and was going to call his doctor as soon as the office opened. He wasn’t sure if he’d be able to drive and asked if I might be able to take him.

OF COURSE! The man I love was hurting and I would do anything within my capability to help him. I jumped in the shower and drove over to his place.

We spent the day together. I drove him to the doctor and later to get an ultrasound on his foot. We went to pick up medicine at the pharmacy. In the waiting rooms, we kept each other entertained. There was a lot of banter and silliness between us, even though he was obviously in a lot of pain, that even medication was not helping with.

He texted me from the exam room while I was in the lobby. “The nurse just asked me to get naked”. I asked if she had rubbed her boobs on him yet. He responded that she said she wanted to check out his package before she looked at his foot. I said I bet she does. He was like “she said she doesn’t have anymore whipped cream for me to lick off her nipples” and I told him to “tell her you will whip up a batch of mayonnaise” (he’s always making jokes about how his cum is actually mayonnaise after we have sex). He was like “Lovergirl, you are REALLY filthy” and I told him that I was just over here keeping busy flashing guys in the lobby (he had thought my sundress was showing a lot of cleavage and asked me if I was trying to show off, beforehand).

Everything seemed good natured and fun. He took me out to lunch at Panera and I had to wait on him and help do things because it was hard for him to walk. He gave me a little money for “gas” (though I was driving his car) and was very thankful. When we got to his place I helped him wrap his foot in ice packs. He sort of hinted at having sex with me before I left but I told him that it hadn’t felt good when he disappeared the last time, that it had made me feel abandoned. He said “Lovergirl, I am not a bad guy. I wasn’t trying to make you feel like that. We should spend more time together. We make a good team”. He hugged me tightly and said it was good to see me.

I got a text from him after I went home that said my help really meant a lot. I told him not to hesitate to call if he needed anything else. All seemed well.

So the next morning, he called again. He asked if I could bring him lunch and I said sure. He also wanted me to help do some things for his business, that would have been hard for him, though his foot was getting better. He had pulled, but not torn, a tendon. He would pay me for the work I did.

I spent another day with him. I picked him up some fast food for lunch. I went to the doctor’s office to pick up a note he would need for work. I waited on him. I made him something to eat, basically just did whatever he needed. We talked and watched movies on the couch.

When I was getting ready to leave, he made a comment about how we couldn’t play anymore because that would make me feel “degraded”. It sounded like he was mocking the hurt I had expressed the night before. He didn’t hug me this time, or offer to pay for the lunch I picked up and I left feeling unsettled and kind of used.

On the drive home, I told him how I felt and somehow it blew up into a huge argument. Granted, I was about to start my period, and I do get very emotional with PMS. Anyway, I just felt hurt. Hurt that he wanted me to do all this stuff for him and to be there, but not enough to give me the reassurance that he would call after sex. Like, he’d rather not have sex at all, than give me that.

He said he hadn’t called before because “you said you didn’t want to be friends”. This is only part of the truth. What I had SAID, was that I didn’t want to be PLATONIC friends. I had told him if we weren’t having sex, then I didn’t want to be around him AT ALL. I asked, if you thought we weren’t friends, then why did you call ME when you needed someone? It degenerated from there.

He accused me of only helping him to “get” something in return, which is absolute bullshit. I helped him because I love him and couldn’t stand to see him in pain. I wanted to do everything I could to relieve him and make it better. It felt even worse to hear him say that because I felt like I was demonstrating just how much I care about him in being there and doing all that I did. There wasn’t some selfish motivation behind it.

Anyhow, my emotions were in overdrive and everything came spilling out. I told him I loved him. I told him that sitting there in the doctor’s offices with him I could see being with him the rest of my life and that this all is making me feel confused and strung along. I expressed how hurt I feel that he has not acknowledged a relationship between us, after a year of spending a couple of days a week together, talking almost every day and two pregnancies.

He said “I’m sorry- I can’t give you the feeling you want”. I was like, what feeling? What are you talking about? He wouldn’t answer and I was like just say it! I can take it and maybe it is best I hear it now. It took until the next morning to get him to actually say what he meant and here it is ” what I mean was that I can’t give you the feeling of love and affection and being the #1 woman in my life because I don’t see a long term relationship as a possibility between us”.

Ouch. 😦 Okay. I said “then get the fuck out of my life”. He said he was sorry but that he didn’t want to start his day off with negativity. I ignored it and had no intentions of talking to him further.

That should have been the end. Only it wasn’t, because something worse happened.

That night, I signed onto the swinger site and was looking at a party. He had signed up, which was no big deal, except for that he put a notation on there that he was coming AS A COUPLE with a particular other woman, who he named.

I just about freaking LOST IT. I called him and was like “how could you do this to me??” He said you are hysterical I will call you tomorrow, but I was so upset I wouldn’t leave him alone. I couldn’t believe that, that very night, he was going to take another woman out to a party, like she was his girlfriend, after I’d just spent two days doing everything possible for him. I was like why didn’t you call HER?!! Why would you call ME when you needed someone, then the minute you are feeling better you turn around and take someone ELSE out? Where was she when you hurt your foot?

He said that was the only way he could get into the party. It was full on single males and so she had said he could get in with her. Nevertheless, he didn’t HAVE to sign up on the site at all if that were the case and he had to know there was a good chance I would see it. It felt humiliating and extremely hurtful. I know that I would not have gone to a party with another man so soon, just out of basic respect. I would have protected him from having to SEE that I was, for sure!

I was an absolute mess, crying and devastated. That he could still go out and have fun, knowing that, made it even more painful. It was like he didn’t even give a second thought to my feeling hurt. Yet, when he had (recently) dumped some woman he went on 3 dates with (and they never even had sex), he told me he felt really bad “for about 12 hours”. It was just so shocking and horrible and hurtful that he could blatantly disregard my feelings in that way.

That was a week ago and I am still reeling from the pain. I would have done anything in the world to keep him from hurting, but when it was me, he didn’t even seem to care at all. No compassion whatsoever. I’d even say his responses were cold and borderline mean.

He did try to call later in the week and I didn’t answer. When I returned the call about 20 minutes later he didnt pick up the phone. He later texted that he just wanted to see how I was feeling. I texted back “I don’t feel good about what happened with you. It felt, and still feels, really horrible to think of you taking someone else to a party. I feel taken for granted. I feel like I put my heart out there and it just got trampled. It feels awful to be told I will never be #1 to you or have your love and affection”.

I never heard back. Nothing. Not a word. That was 4 days ago. There may be nothing left to be said about the Cohort. If that is the case, then what a harsh and painful ending it was. I don’t know how I can feel so much love and affection for someone who doesn’t feel anything in return. What is wrong with me?

Some Cohort Confusion

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Remember how I said things seemed to be heading towards more serious with the Cohort? Apparently he thought so too. In fact, he wanted to bring up a “discussion” about it. Sigh…

It was his idea to talk about this. He admitted that I had never given any real indication that I thought the relationship needed to go anywhere. He now says he regrets even bringing it up, that it was probably too soon and that he did so because HE was starting to feel emotions that made him think about me in that light.

Okay, but what he wanted to SAY was that he DOESN’T want the relationship to go anywhere. He said he’d been thinking about it and he just can’t handle it. He’s not ready to take on my kids or sure he could handle the whole swinger thing with someone he considered his “girl”.

He gave me some speech about how he thinks I am every bit WORTH all of that but he doesn’t think he can handle it. Then he said, who knows, he may change his mind later, he just didn’t want that expectation. THAT kind of pissed me off. I was like don’t do that to me. Don’t give me this talk about how you don’t want that then try to give me hope that things might change.

Anyhow, the whole discussion was REALLY upsetting. Mainly because I had never seriously allowed myself to even THINK like THAT. Not about him, not about anyone at all, since my divorce. I just assume most men are not going to want that kind of serious with me, due to the kids and general circumstances. Its a lot to take on. I don’t expect that at all, from anyone.

He brought all this up and made me think about things I don’t even allow myself to think about because I am too afraid to hope for it. It freaking CRUSHED me, to have him bring it up and dangle the thoughts in front of my face then turn around and be like, we can never have this because of the situation.

It’s not that I don’t understand. I do. I know all too well that it’s highly unlikely that most decent men would consider doing the family thing or anything close to marriage with me. I’m not saying this because I don’t think I am personally worth it, but because I have more than the average number of children and I know its a huge responsibility, both emotionally and financially, for anyone to consider.

Why did he bring this up?? He says it was because he’s been thinking about it a lot. That basically we’ve been behaving like we are already in a relationship, that he was seeing me as someone he could have a future with, because I’m like everything he wants in a woman, otherwise. Then he got to thinking about how we met (Craigslist! And the swinger site) and the whole swinger thing too and that kind of bothered him as well.

OUCH. 😦 The whole discussion just about killed me. I was crying over it for a couple of days. 😦 He said he felt really shitty even bringing it up because I’d never asked for or demanded anything of him relationship wise. He said he just wanted to be sure to remind us BOTH that its “just FWB”.

I felt like I was being rejected/dumped but he swears up and down that was not his intent. He says he would ideally like to keep everything we have the same. He still wants to hang out, have sex, go out to dinner or swingers parties, spend time together and have me help him with his business. All this, but without the expectation of “more”.

What’s funny is it’s not like I really EXPECTED that anyway. I would have been on cloud 9, yes, if he’d said he wanted that with me, but I’d never have dreamt of ASKING for it if he hadn’t said anything himself. Ugh. Just a bad thing to bring up, especially right before I started my period.

It made it even worse that he made a comment about how if he ever DID get into a serious relationship, it would be with someone like me. He said probably someone he just happened to meet, at a bar, on the swinger site, Craigslist or somewhere like that. I’m like nice, so now I have to worry about that happening at any time? Before I felt confident that he was really into me, but that kind of ripped it out from under my feet.

Emotionally I was a wreck. I was seriously considering having nothing to do with him again and decided not to go to this weekend long swinger party at the lake we had planned on. How could I in that state of mind? I’d suddenly feel threatened by other women and insecure, which would make it a bad experience for the both of us.

Actually, if he’d gone down by himself, at that point, I couldn’t have handled it either. I wouldn’t have been able to forgive him for making me feel like crap and then just walking away to go have fun and fuck other people, someplace we’d planned to go together, without making things right first. I would feel abandoned, whether or not it was reasonable.

I told him how I felt and that I wasn’t demanding he stay back or anything, he was free to do what he wants, but this is how it is affecting me. He said he would take that into consideration, and ultimately he decided to stay Friday night. He would probably go down to the lake Saturday, but he wanted to give us a chance to make up first.

We talked and decided we were both on the same page still and okay with doing everything we have been doing and no expectations. Feelings are fine and bound to be there but it doesn’t have to “go anywhere”. We’d still be free to act the same way. Both of us were relieved and done with the “relationship talk” for the time being.

Then he asked me out. We went to a jazz bar and had a good time, followed by dinner at a late night greasy hamburger joint. He spent the night at my house and we had lots of good sex and lots of laughs. He asked if I would still like to go to the swinger party with him and I agreed to come along. 🙂

The next morning we had more sex and showered and got ready to go. We went shopping together for alcohol and food and stuff for the trip, then headed that way. We had good talks on the way down but mostly avoided the whole relationship thing.

At the party we had a good time. There was no one there I particularly wanted to fuck, though there were some guys I definitely did NOT want to fuck. We had known that ahead of time and discussed some things about it, so it was all good.

He slept with three women at the party, once each, but spent a lot more time with me. I think we had sex about 5 or 6 times there, plus the few the night before and a few times after we came back home. He even said after the first woman he slept with that it made him want to be with me even more for some reason.

He was a little perturbed when a couple of men busted in on him having sex with a woman in order to ask if they could have permission to fuck ME. LOL They hadn’t even said anything to me at that point, but wanted to ask HIM first. Its amazing to me sometimes how much more respect guys will show towards another man in that situation, yet they will get all pushy with the woman when she’s alone. These same guys, once he said it was up to me, were hounding me a bit but I chose not to go there, even though they were trying to argue me into it while he was in the other room.

I just wasn’t feeling any of the men there that night, even though several asked. Him having sex with others mostly didn’t bother me at all. The only time I got mildly upset was when he made a comment about not knowing if he would have “anything left” for me at the end of the night. It rubbed me the wrong way for a minute and he didn’t like my reaction but we remedied that fairly quickly and he did have plenty left over, lol. :p

Oh and then Mr. Motorcycle happened to show up. Eeek! That was awkward. He came and tried to lay a guilt trip on me, saying he couldn’t fuck anyone there because he didn’t think they were as beautiful as I was. That really wasn’t even true as all of the women there were at least somewhat attractive and I’d say some were prettier than I am, definitely with better bodies. I’m less than perfect after having had kids. :p

So whatever. He didn’t stay long at all and maybe it did have something to do with me. He claimed he’s been pining over me since I stopped talking to him and I really hope that was bullshit. I hate hurting people’s feelings but he definitely was not a good guy for me, and he lied a lot.

There was one point where the Cohort offered to have a threesome with me and another guy but the guy was getting ready to leave. He was a younger guy, it was his first party, but he was actually pretty good looking. It could have been fun…damn. Oh well. I was glad that the Cohort at least was considering it. That could say good things about future parties, for me.

He said afterwards that he was a little concerned I hadn’t played. Mainly “concerned” because he’s still not sure how or if he is going to be able to handle it. He kind of wants to see how it goes down and how much it will or won’t bother him.

He said he really liked having me there with him, that he enjoyed the companionship more than anything else. If he’d been there by himself he’d have spent a lot more time alone. We spent a lot of time talking and making out, especially late at night. We slept in a room with several beds and other couples and people watched us fucking a couple of the times, so it wasn’t like I didn’t do ANYTHING.

We drank and talked and socialized with people and he commented later that he likes how friendly I am. He was a little concerned that people would automatically assume we are a “couple” because of how publicly affectionate we were but then said he really didn’t mind if people thought that. Some women expressed concern that I might be upset with him sleeping with them alone, but I wasn’t, same as the guys who wanted to double check before even trying with me.

I actually went out of my way to leave him alone for a little bit here and there so he COULD have a chance to be with other people. I wasn’t trying to spoil his fun or be monopolizing him the entire time. He still sought me out and wanted a lot of sex with me, so that made me feel good. I walked by him having sex with some of the other people and it really didn’t bug me in the least. I didn’t have any desire to join in or anything and once a husband beckoned me to come over but I shook my head no because I didn’t want to fuck HIM.

Not that the guys there were bad or anything. Actually a couple of the white guys might have been fuckable. I didn’t go there this time but no saying if I would or wouldn’t sometime in the future. It was nice to see some white guys who were not just sitting there being cuckholds and were actually getting it in at a party like this though. I think my viewpoint is a little tainted with seeing a lot of that lately.

The single black men that were there (this was an “interracial party”, in case that wasn’t clear) were not ones I was personally interested in fucking (I might have gone there with the young guy who left early, but the age thing does get to me) but they were fun to talk to. The Cohort was kind of surprised, and like, but so and so has a big dick. I’m like yeah, but I’m more about the person first and the dick second.

I’m trying not to fuck guys I’m not really feeling. I guess I’m probably even more like that when there is someone I really DO like there. Like, is it worth it when there is a chance it could upset him and I’m not really that into this guy? Nahhh… Now if Mr. Firm had showed up…I would have fucked him. He wasn’t able to come because he was coaching a kids game. Damn shame… 😉 Maybe next time. 🙂

Anyhow, I’m still a bit confused with the Cohort. I really, really do like him. I kind of wish he’d never opened that can of worms because it makes me feel like I am missing something. For now though, I’m just going to try and enjoy what we have going and not think too heavily about it.

Communication with the Cohort

pillow-talk-toni-thorne

 

I’ve been hanging out with the Cohort quite a bit lately. Last night we went to a swinger party. I’m really liking him and the way he handles situations with me. We seem to be on the same page about a lot of things.

He SEEMS to be indicating that he wants a more “serious” relationship with me. By “serious” I do not mean “monogamous”. A lot of the things he says and does, though, seem to indicate he wants something more long term. I’m okay with that. Very okay with that. 🙂 But I’m not going to push it.

I’m excited, but tentative. I know there are a lot of things that might hold a man back from wanting anything other than just sex with me. Still, so far he does not seem intimidated, so we will see. He keeps saying I seemed to have come into his life at just the right time, when he was on the fence regarding monogamy vs. swinging. I guess I’m like the perfect compromise. 😉

We had a good talk before going to the party. Our final decision was that we would be free to play separately, rather than try to find the perfect people to play with together. No handcuffing one another. We COULD also play together if there were a group situation going down. He even let me know he’d be okay with threesomes, whether they were with me and another girl, or me and another guy (see why I’m liking this guy??). If one of us were going off or using the hotel room (the party was held at a hotel), we’d text to let the other know where we were at.

He got a room with double beds, one would be for play and the other kept clean for us to sleep on. At the end of the night it would be just he and I in there and no one else allowed to stay. If any gangbang situations went down, I probably wouldn’t be a part of it, though he might.

I didn’t even tell him about the gangbang thing the other night. A couple of guys (including Mr. Firm) advised me not to if I’m thinking more serious with him. I’m not obligated to tell him what I do at this point outside of at parties, and why risk possibly upsetting him?

So I said nothing about that, BUT he knows I have had negative experiences in the past. We’ve talked about it. What’s kind of ironic is that he’s been in a LOT of gangbangs. Like, more than your average Joe, haha. He was involved in some things that actually ended up being a big scandal that I can’t talk about on my blog. In any case, it was all consensual and not pushed. I like that he has been very open with me about that.

Anyhow, in keeping with the gangbang theme, some kind of crazy stuff came out right before this party went down last night. In fact, right after we pulled up to the hotel and were walking across the parking lot to check in. SOMEHOW, we had gotten to talking about this girl he used to date that went to my high school. Through her, he had met some people from my hometown.

He just happened to bring up, this one guy he said he had met, who really got on his nerves. There was some situation where he happened to be in a bar, with the ex girlfriend from my town, but they were no longer dating. He had temporarily broken up with this other girl he was dating and she happened to be there too.

Okay, so THIS GUY was trying to hit on her and telling the Cohort he was going to get her, without knowing that it was a girl he had been seeing. I guess he wasn’t saying because he was there with the other girl. In any case she was shutting him down (I’m guessing more because he was there watching than anything ) and dude was really starting to get to him.

ANYHOW, this is all important only because guess who the guy was??? The freaking guy I was IN LOVE with way back when I was 18, (before I met my ex husband) and who massively hurt me by trying to push me into a gangbang when we were dating.

I mean it was awful. We were in a hotel room, I was naked, because I’d had sex with him. These other guys (10-15 of them) had come in the room and they stole my clothes. I didn’t end up doing anything with them because I started crying and asking him not to let them touch me. He finally ended up telling them to back off, putting his clothes on me and driving me home in his underwear. But not after trying to coerce me into doing it by telling me if I “really loved” him I would.

It was pretty traumatic at the time. I don’t even like talking about it too much here on my blog because I know a lot of people would not understand some of it or why I would even have fallen for this guy in the first place. He was also there when I was 15 and the first time I ever actually got involved in a gangbang.

That time it was most definitely not something I wanted to do. He was the one standing there saying “man, she’s scared, I don’t want to do this” over and over again, but he’d gone along with it. He was 19 at the time, at least one of the other guys was 21…I don’t even want to get into it. The reason it is even relevant is that he brought it up in the second scenario (after we’d continued fucking for 3 years) and was like “you’ve done it before” as part of his reasoning that I would do it again.

Please, if you are reading this and it upsets you, I understand, but don’t tell me what I “should” have done in those situations or regarding dating him later on. I know. I was young and made a lot of bad decisions that I can’t go back and change now. Like it or not, a few years down the road I fell in love with this guy, and I mean hard. It took me years to get over what happened with him.

Honestly, I don’t think he did much better. He would try to sabotage my dating other guys after that. Like any time he would see me out at a club or something, he would try to get the guy alone and tell him I had a boyfriend, make threats to him, or tell lies about me to keep him away. He even did that to the guy I had the affair with (who is his half brother, complicated, I know).

He tries to malign me. 20 years later. Its all kinds of fucked up. Especially because he will still like, poke me on Facebook. He did it again a couple of days ago. He’s tried asking me out for drinks too and I shut him down in sort of a mean way (not that he didn’t deserve it). Yet I’ve been friendly other times and even have him on my Facebook page. Don’t ask, lol. It will never make sense. I made the mistake of having sex with him ONE time, after the incident too, despite everything. It was the day before I went away for college and I haven’t seen him since.

Ugh. I’m sure that was painful to read. It paints my decisions in a pretty bad light (and they were) as well as the guys involved. That may be true but I was young and dumb and sometimes you just do stupid stuff.

SO, when the Cohort brought him up I was like OMG, no…not him…hahahaha. Of ALL freaking people! When I first said I knew him he asked “did you fuck him?” and said he had heard this guy was running through all kinds of women. I said yes and he said (jokingly-not serious at all) “Man, I just lost a little bit of respect for you”. I told him that doesn’t even scratch the surface and let him drag it out of me that we had dated.

Later on, sometime in the middle of the night, and after some drinks, we got to talking about this again and it all came out. The whole story about this guy. To my relief, he took it like a champ. 😉 He wasn’t bothered by it at all and didn’t bat an eye when I said I’d gone back and fucked him again or any of the other messed up stuff.

His reaction was “you are ‘well traveled’…I like that about you, you’re a good girl” (makeout session) Ha… He said the only person it made him think worse of is the guy, who he already didn’t like, lol. He said it helped him understand my leeriness towards the whole gangbang thing too, that none of the ones he has been involved with had ever been like that. The women always were fully on board.

It felt good to get all that off my chest, to someone who wasn’t judgmental about it. A lot of men would be. Apparently not him though. He reminds me a little bit of Mr. Firm. I feel like I’ve hit the jackpot between the two of them, for real. 🙂

I mentioned Mr. Firm to him, briefly, because there is a very slight possibility he could be at this lake party we are planning to go to soon. I wanted him to know if he is, that is someone I’d definitely want to have some time with. His reaction was “I can tell you like this guy by the tone of your voice” lol. I said well, yeah, he is a good guy and I don’t have a negative word to say about him. He just said he was glad that I was associating with good men now (yeah, he still doesn’t know about that other night, but whatever, I’m done with Cousin 3 and his crew for sure).

So, its all good. The party went pretty well. He played but I didn’t. It was with a woman I knew he would play with beforehand, a married woman he has known longer than me. For a minute it bothered me, even though I knew it shouldn’t, and he didn’t do anything wrong. I’ve met her before and she seems nice and not catty or competitive.

I know she likes him and also that she fucked like 5 other men earlier in the week. He said he wasn’t going to lie that kind of threw HIM off for a bit even though they aren’t like boyfriend/girlfriend but any time you are fucking someone it can mess with your emotions a bit. I get that, totally. I think probably everyone has feelings like that, even though hearing about him feeling jealous over someone else maybe gave me a little twinge too. Things can get kind of complicated in the Lifestyle, lol.

Afterwards, he made a point of paying attention to, and reconnecting with me, so that helped. He wanted to talk about how I felt about it and said he’d kind of rushed things with her and not even cum because he was worried about getting back to me. So we still have some things to iron out there, but its nice to have open communication about it.

I COULD have played but I chose not to. While he was gone I danced and talked with another guy but I just wasn’t feeling him. He didn’t appear to be trying to get me back to his room at first and was just talking about taking me to dinner (eyeroll) and I admit a part of me wanted to push for it, just to even the “score” and because the Cohort was fucking someone and it felt unfair. Despite those passing thoughts, when the dude jokingly slipped his hotel room key down the cleavage of my dress, I didn’t bite. I didn’t want to play with someone just for that reason.

Anyhow, I got lots of playtime in with the Cohort that night as well as talking about everything under the sun. There wasn’t a lot of sleeping going on, lol. We went out for breakfast in the morning and I’m feeling pretty good about it all.

Meeting the Pilot

dwaynetherockjohnson

I just got back from a sleepover with the Pilot and WOW!  First of all, he is way better looking in person than in his pictures.  He’s like…smoking hot! It’s funny because he did look like his pics, but they made him seem sort of “soft” whereas in person he’s really a very good looking guy with chiseled features.  He did tell me he doesn’t take that great of pictures and they WERE kind of dark and he was smiling. Maybe they made his face look chubbier or something.  Actually he has a great body and muscular arms and if I had to pick a celebrity that kinda reminds me of him it would be Dwayne “the Rock” Johnson, lol.  He’s black but lighter skinned and mixed with some other things, like Italian and Haitian and Creole and even some British.

We met in the lobby of the hotel where he was staying.  I got there before he came downstairs and was sitting on the couch with that Prince song running through my head. “Knew a little girl named Nikki, I guess you could say she was a sex fiend.  Met her in the hotel lobby masturbating with a magazine”…. But I wasn’t masturbating because, well, the people at the front desk were right there and they might not have liked that too well ;). 

Anyhow, I had on a cute little sundress and 4 inch, silver platform heels.  He was taller than me, even with them on and greeted me with a hug, saying he was so glad I agreed to meet him and that he thought I was especially gorgeous in person.  He kept telling me throughout the night “you are a really good looking lady”, haha. According to him, I look even better than in my pictures.  I hear that a lot so hopefully its true, lol.

He went to get his car and drove up to meet me in a very nice black Cadillac with dark tinted windows.  The restaurant he chose was a Hibachi style Japanese steak house.  It was packed, with a long wait, so we sat at the bar and he got us white wine and an appetizer.  We had great conversation and by the time we were seated at the table we were pretty much all over each other.  He said the people probably thought we were newlyweds by the way we were acting, all giggly and flirty. 

I’m really pretty impressed with this guy.  He’s been all over the world and has all sorts of interesting stories to tell and I just find him fascinating.  He’s a Lt. Colonel in the Army and works an interesting job but plans to retire in a year and already has something even better lined up for the future.  You can tell he has a lot of money but he’s not a snob and is very down to earth and charming and funny.  His dad was a pastor so he finds it really interesting that my ex was in ministry and we were talking about that kind of stuff too.  He seemed to like talking with me as well and said it’s not often he comes across a woman who is an intelligent conversationalist.  Yeah, that may be suspect, but in any case I liked him.

SO, after a nice meal we headed back to the hotel.  He brought out some more wine that he had chilling in the mini fridge and we drank and talked some more before starting to make out.  Our first kiss definitely had chemistry and he was like “wow, you are a really great kisser”.  We kept making out and eventually the clothes came off.  His cock was very nice sized and probably somewhere around the 8 ½ -9 inches he promised. 

We started having sex around 9 o’clock and didn’t take a real break until around 1:30 am.  He went down on me, I gave him blowjobs, we rimmed each other, you name it, and some of it was videotaped. I think I came about 7 times before he did.  He seemed to prefer the slower, more gentle, sex a lot of the time but then he’d get fast and hard before making me cum and the same for when he did.  During sex  he was telling me he suspects he is going to be putting a lot of miles on his car coming to see me (he lives 3 hours away, not far from my hometown). 

After that first round of sex we collapsed in each other’s arms for a bit before he decided he was hungry again and we should go grab something to eat.  So I did a little touching up of my just-been-laid, wild and crazy hair and lipstick and we went to the Steak n’ Shake across the street from the hotel.  I got a milkshake and fries and he ordered the same with a burger.  We chatted for an hour or so before heading back for more sex.

This time we fucked until after 3 am and then finally fell asleep.  He kept commenting that my Zumba classes must keep me really on my toes because I can just go and go.  We cuddled and kissed a lot but I finally rolled over on my side to sleep and woke up at 6:45 to him poking his dick around from behind,about to enter me again.  After a couple of morning rounds he finally came all over me and said he thought I was going to have him worn out for a good week. 

We took turns showering and lay in bed and talked for a bit before heading down to enjoy the hotel’s complimentary breakfast.  After that we packed up our things and he walked me to my vehicle to say goodbye.  He keeps saying he wants to see me again and we still have plans to attend a swinger party up his way soon.  He has offered to pay my gas and get a hotel for us to stay at nearby the party.  I suspect it will be a lot of fun.

I’ve got to be careful with this one because I can see how I could easily fall for him.  Due to distance and stuff that wouldn’t be very practical, and I’m not really sure what he is looking for.  On one hand he hinted several times toward wanting something more relationship like but then he also acceded that the distance could be an issue and told me that if he were to get emotionally involved he’s not sure he could share because he thinks he would get jealous and he doesn’t do drama.  So for now, I am going to treat it more like a fwb thing. 

He did also say there was another single girl that he sees sometimes that heard he was going to the party with me and thought she might like to come sometime too.  From the way he put it I suspect he is thinking “threesome” (what guy isn’t? Haha).  She’s not coming along to the party we are going to though.  Then there is this married lady he was telling me about whose husband is in Afghanistan and he says he is worried that she is getting too emotionally attached to him and he doesn’t know what to do.  I guess she had a double mastectomy and is lonely and wanting someone to talk to now and she is someone he’d slept with before and he says he feels guilty putting her off, or something like that.  In any case, as long as I’m thinking of him more as a fwb I don’t have to worry so much about all that stuff, so trying to keep my head there.

I’d be lying if I said this helped me completely get over the Professor.  I’m still hurting and there were a couple times when he crossed my mind last night.  In fact at one point when I was lying there with the Pilot in his arms while he slept, I actually shed tears.  I do feel better though and I kind of just want his memory to go away.  The Pilot is good in bed and we have some chemistry but no, it’s not comparable to the Prof in that regard.  It’s so hard for me to understand how the Professor could throw that away, especially when he had commented on how great the sex and chemistry between us was himself. 

I really just don’t get it.  Why would you “break up” with someone if you really didn’t have to, because both of you could continue to fuck other people all you wanted anyway?  He claimed to think I wanted a relationship with him but it’s not like I wanted to marry him or anything.  I think he thought I wanted a lot more than I did. It all seems so…stupid!  Or more likely, it’s the rejection talking.  It’s killing me. 😦  Oh well.  Glad to be moving forward anyhow. 

Don’t look back…

bridgeonfire

Well, things have come to a final close with the Professor.  My hope is gone and I know it’s over.  He tried to act polite and maybe even lead me on a little with our most recent discussion, but I asked a male friend to look over our texting transcript and give me his honest opinion.

 Basically, he told me I was giving too much weight to the little scraps of hope and that the Prof was being a tad dishonest.  Like one time I asked him straight out if a comment he made meant he still liked me and he said “sure”.  I asked “sure? lol “ and he claimed his phone had changed his “yes” answer to “sure”.  Considering the possibility of that is about zero, yeah, he had to be full of shit.

Anyhow, the whole interaction left me feeling pretty awful, even though he purported to be having a hard time too.  His actions belied his words.  Without a man to interpret that for me I probably would have continued grasping at straws.  It was hard to accept reality, but it also took a huge weight off my shoulders. 

I’m finally done.  I don’t think there is any going back now, even if he changed his mind.  The respect I had for him has kinda gone out the window and I feel betrayed and hurt and don’t want to mess with it again.  I asked him to delete the videos he has of me and he said he would.  Then I told him to forget he ever met me.  He gave some lame reply about how he wouldn’t forget, which I didn’t respond to.  As far as I’m concerned he can fuck off.

I broke down and cried after the conversation, and again last night when my head hit the pillow, but it’s different.  I don’t want him back. I have no desire to check up on him, I just want to stay far, far away.  Only once do I remember having a breakup this painful and it hurt me for YEARS.  I can’t allow that to happen. 

My self -esteem has taken quite a blow but Lovergirl always hits the ground running.  I’ve got an interesting new prospect in the wings.  Actually, he is someone off the swinger site that has an uncanny resemblance to the Professor.  I almost ignored him because of that and the issues I’ve been having with him but decided not to let that affect my decision.

In an interesting twist of fate, he has also been validated on the site by the married woman that sees the Professor.  I’m not sure what that means exactly, as he has a LOT of very positive sounding references from the ladies.  I have no idea how well they might know each other but he does live up in her general direction. 

At first this kind of put me off, because I’d like to avoid dabbling in the Professor and this woman’s social circle for the time being, but at the same time, if I want to hook up with anyone off that site or at parties it is probably something I will have to face eventually.  SO, I’m like, fuck it, I’ll just do my thing and not worry about that.

I had sex once before, with a man who had been validated by the married lady.  She had great things to say about him online but he and I didn’t hit it off very well at all.  He drove 4 hours and got a hotel to come fuck me but it wasn’t the greatest experience.  I didn’t find him to be my “type” and he didn’t follow through on the promises he made for the bedroom.  Like he said he would give me a full body massage and go down on me.  Never happened.  The most exciting moment of the night was when the condom snapped off and got lost inside me for a minute.  I also can’t assume that just because we have the same taste in the Prof we’d be similar with other guys.  Still I’m sure there are going to be SOME overlaps in that area. 

Anyhow, let me tell you all about the new guy.  I’m kind of excited, but well, you’ve seen how that plays out for me sometimes. Don’t want to jump the gun here too much! Trying to keep in mind that it may be another let down, but it’s fun to imagine anyway.

The recent prospect lives a few hours away.  We haven’t met yet and due to circumstances it will be a couple of weeks before we do.  His car is in the shop because of a minor accident and I’m expecting my period to arrive next week (unless it’s 6 days late again!) In any case it seems like forever right now but we have been doing a lot of texting and I like his personality.

His rave reviews on the site are definitely a big factor in my interest, lmao.  A few women mentioned his expertise in using all of his tools properly and how he rocked their world.  Yeah, I can handle that ;).  His looks, well, at first I thought he looked a little too much like the Professor, but on closer observance I’d say he’s objectively better looking.  I don’t think most people would be all “damn he’s hot” when looking at a picture of the Prof but my emotions colored my response to him. 

So “hot” wasn’t my first thought but he is definitely do-able.  He has some kind of job that involves strategic planning at an Army headquarters and I guess he’s the boss.  He also flew a helicopter in Iraq and Afghanistan, which is pretty damn cool, so from now on I’ll probably refer to him as “the Pilot”.

He’s been in “the Lifestyle” for 4 years, and is 40 years old.  According to him, he would love to find a woman that would attend parties with him occasionally.  I’m not opposed to that, just need to watch out that I don’t end up in a similar situation as I did with the Professor, if we do hit it off.  I’ve asked him a few questions to try and see where his head is at and so far so good.  He tries not to get emotionally attached but loves the feeling of connection with the women he plays with. 

Sexually, we seem, so far, to be a really good match.  He likes to dominate, and our likes and dislikes appear to be similar.  He’s not particularly into anal, can take it or leave it (yay!) and loves to eat pussy (my kind of man!).  He asked me what my “limits” are and that question always throws me for a loop because you are never sure what kinds of activities they are imagining.  Apparently my answers were entertaining.  Like I said that I didn’t like anyone biting my nipples, no fisting, don’t slap me in the face or call me names and he laughed and said he wasn’t planning anything like that! 

He did admit to having fucked quite a few wives and having it videotaped and he said he doesn’t mind incidental contact with males but doesn’t want any intentional touching.  This led me to ask if he has tried DVP (double vaginal penetration).  I have no interest in it myself but am kind of morbidly curious since the Prof and another man have told me they have done so.  Sure enough, he says he has, twice, with one couple.  He said the woman really enjoyed it but it wasn’t particularly his thing or anything.  Gosh, this is more common than I would have thought, or else he and the Prof and the other dude are all talking about the same couple!  Ha!

He told me an interesting story about a swinger party he attended in a small town about an hour and a half away that has a population of like 2,000.  I guess they had a party there a couple of years ago that was specifically for white women who were into black men.  It was on a farm out in the middle of nowhere, and he says he fucked 7 women in a row and ended up breaking the couple’s bed.  Hmmm…  haha.  Well, at least we know he’s got some stamina.

In any case, he’s planning on driving here, getting a hotel for the night and taking me out to dinner and for drinks.  I’m looking forward to it.  In the meantime, he texts quite a lot and keeps telling me how interested in me he is, so I guess that’s good news.  Hopefully nothing gets ruined during our two week wait.

His pictures were nice but the first pic he sent of his cock I was thinking it didn’t look all that big.  Yet, he made a comment about how my pics made “all 8 ½ inches stand up” so maybe it’s an illusion.  Also I was thinking he needed a trim around the pubic area but maybe it was just the lighting and background because the next pic didn’t look bad.  Idk, I kinda like a bit of manscaping because it’s easier for me to do what I wanna do to him, but I’m not asking him to shave it all off or anything.  Actually, not saying a word, haha, but thinking.  Maybe it was the lighting effect of the supposed pubic fro that made his junk look shorter than he says. 

Wish me luck though, it seems so far that this one has some promise to develop into something fun and maybe more than just a one night stand.  In the meantime I have to figure out what I am going to do with myself this weekend!  I have been chatting back and forth a bit with a guy that says he takes Boudoir photos, but he is going to be gone too.  I know that sounds sketchy and I even met him through Craigslist, but he actually seems pretty professional and you sign forms and whatnot and get a cd of touched up images.  He’s trying to build a portfolio.   I would so love to have some pics like that of myself.

I don’t know, despite my insane amount of horniness lately (I haven’t had sex in 3 weeks!!) I may decide to take a little healing break and spend some time alone or shopping for cute clothes and lingerie or even a new vibrator, rather than go on a date this weekend.  Don’t count on it though, will see what happens next. 😉