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Fucking and funerals don’t mix…or do they?

nakedcoffin

Is it shameful to fuck someone after a funeral of a dear friend? What if the guy you slept with was someone she was having sex with before she died? Totally inappropriate? Who would do something like that anyway? I guess, me.

Now I am not 100% sure they were sleeping together, but I’m going to say it’s a good possibility. I know they were spending a lot of time together the past several months and according to him they went out to a concert for his birthday. He was also pretty torn up about the whole thing, and told me he had cried over her and taken off work for a week. Apparently though, he was a-okay with taking home an old friend for some hanky-panky afterwards. It remains to be seen whether or not this was a one night stand. Maybe we can chalk it up as comforting each other…right? Got any other excuses for me? :p

Let me explain how it all went down. Some of you may remember reading about this particular friend of mine because I wrote about her when I first met the Cohort. I hadn’t seen her in years, but he had met her right before he met me, through his ex girlfriend that I went to school with.

Back in the day, as teenagers, we were thick as thieves. We got into ALL sorts of trouble together. She was hilarious, always making side comments to me about the various people we came across at parties and how they were dressed or were acting. This girl could steal anything, and while that may not be a great talent to have, I’ve got to admit it was pretty impressive!

When we were young and wild and free, we would caravan from party to party with carloads of people and she always knew how to live it up! Whether we were sneaking into the neighborhood pool late at night for a skinny dip or crawling through the window of her first car because the door wouldn’t open, we were always having a good time. In some ways, her family was like mine. Her mom was a drug addict and her dad was homeless, we ran into him one day when we were volunteering at a soup kitchen and she hadn’t seen him in months. He didn’t even show up at the funeral, pretty sad.

Anyway, she was a beautiful, tall, slender, dark skinned black girl. She used to dye her hair with blue kool-aid to give it a so-black-it’s-blue sheen and was always a fashion queen. Well, unless we were at Walmart in the middle of the day- then she had no problem going in her pjs and slippers- way before it was cool, lol. Going out at night though, she was always dressed to the 9’s.

She died unexpectedly and I had no idea she was even sick. She was on my Facebook page and we had talked a few times throughout the years about getting together, but never followed through. I learned about it when the Cohort’s ex girlfriend (that worked with her) put up a go-fund-me page for her children. Devastatingly sad, especially since I know in recent years she had really put forth effort to get her life together.

The Cohort’s ex- well, that’s another story. I don’t know her personally, just knew who she was since she went to my school, but apparently he told her about me. I had no idea and didn’t want to rock the boat, so hadn’t said a thing to her at the funeral. I didn’t know until after that they had talked and he had shown her my Facebook page and she said she didn’t remember me. Awkward!

I had actually gone to the funeral alone and was a little worried that I wouldn’t know people or they wouldn’t recognize me. It had been so long since I have seen so many of the people I ran around with back in the day. Not to mention I was one of the only white people there, minus the Cohort’s ex and what looked to be her dad, plus maybe one or two others. I would definitely stand out.

Thankfully, the minute I walked in the door I was bombarded with hugs, first by the guy I am about to tell you all about and then by a group of girls that I used to run with. They said they had just been talking about me! It was funny, because there WERE some people I knew that barely recognized me, but there were others that remembered me and I couldn’t tell you for the life of me who they were, even after they identified themselves. Even one girl I thought didn’t like me, was super friendly. Whew!

One of the girls that had been super tight with my friend and I invited me back to her table and we got a chance to talk and reminisce a little bit. The whole function was supposed to be more of a joyful celebration of life than sadness, as her body had already been cremated and everyone wanted to remember the good stuff. No funeral clothing allowed and there was a DJ (also an old friend- he says I look like I am still 18, lol) and dancing and a bar.

So anyway, the guy. He was an old friend of mine, but we had never had sex. I’m really not sure why, as I am pretty sure I was banging most of his friends and he’s always been nice looking. He was on the football team and I vaguely remember him being pretty well known for that- he played on some international team in Australia and got paid for it when we were older. He’s got a stocky muscular build and I thought was shorter than me back when, but he’s not anymore.

He’s been on my Facebook and I had recently seen that he was at the same concert I went to with the Boring guy. He had to have been sitting almost just behind me because we both posted videos and you could see some of the same people in them. I had commented on one of his posts that I was there too!

Also, one of the guys I talked to off Tinder (but never met up with) is someone that worked with him. The guy had seen that we were mutual friends and asked him about me. So first thing when I walked in the door, he gave me a big hug and said his friend had told him we talked and that he had told the guy I was a “good girl”.

Yeah…I’m not so sure about that, haha, as I’m sure he has to remember some of my escapades- I’m pretty sure he was there WATCHING me fuck a couple of other guys on a picnic table once at the park and another time that we had snuck into a swimming pool locker room late at night. He was pretty good friends with the two guys I wrote about having threesomes with all the time- they both played on the football team with him. I swear I didn’t do the whole football team, lol, I mean, I didn’t do him, right? 😉

Seriously though, I still can’t figure out why I didn’t fuck him. He claims he had a huge crush on me but kept quiet about it and that he has wanted me for 20 years. I’m guessing that’s a smooth line he’s using on all the women these days, but who knows? He was definitely running around with the crew, though he says he was in a group home at the time (which I never knew) so maybe that helped keep him out of some of the stuff we were getting into. I know he was no angel either though.

We didn’t hang out a lot after that initial talk at the funeral, but when I walked out to my vehicle 3 hours later, he was also getting ready to leave. He came up to talk and asked if I wanted to go out to dinner. We exchanged numbers and I agreed to meet him up closer to the city, since we both live up here now.

He was making me laugh as we drove off from the funeral because he was pulling up next to me in his BMW, pretending to hit on me with the windows down. He was like “hey baby, what’s your name?” every time we hit a stoplight or he passed by.

I met him back at his house first, because he wanted to drive together (nice play, haha). I was a little surprised that it wasn’t as nice as I thought, considering the area where he lives and that I know he has a good job at a car dealership. He said he owns the home, but it is a duplex and he lives with his autistic cousin. According to him he has a few other houses as well, that he “used” to use for nefarious purposes, but that he is not doing that now.

He answered the door in his boxers and apologized for it (yeah right, lol). He was surprised that I don’t smoke pot anymore (clearly he still does) but got dressed and took me out to a nice place for Thai food. He warned me that the staff might be super happy to see him and sure enough the hostess was all excited but looked embarrassed for my sake, and apologized to me, thinking I was his girlfriend.

I really didn’t care, but she seemed to feel it was awkward. Actually, he had ASKED me in the car if I wanted to be his girlfriend. I was kind of taken aback because it seemed so soon but he says he feels like we have known each other forever so its really not that weird. I said “maybe” but that I didn’t want to commit to anything yet and he said that’s fine, we could be friends too but he hopes I will change my mind.

Over dinner and drinks he told me about how he has tons of money now and spends a lot of time traveling. He claimed he wants to take me, and maybe my kids, on vacations with him. He said “Daddy’s ballin now baby, I can get you whatever you want”. He even offered to get me a new car, since he goes to auctions all the time and said that I wouldn’t have to pay him back. Yeah, he was promising the moon and stars, lol. 😉

We stopped by a liquor store on the way back and grabbed some wine. He drove super fast and parked in the handicapped space. He said he never gets tickets because the police all know who he is. The full moon was out and he made a comment about it being a blue moon. I made a comment about our outing being “once in a blue moon” and he begged me for it not to be that. He asked me to please say I will keep seeing him!

When we got back to the house and had drinks, it wasn’t long before he was trying to get on top of me. Only, I was really trying NOT to fuck him that night. I was on the tail end of my period and hadn’t shaved for like 2 days. It wasn’t that bad, but I hadn’t been planning to have sex.

So it ended up being kind of like high school all over again. He’s on me on the couch and saying things like “I won’t put it in, I promise, I’ll just rub NEXT to it”. Yeah, we all know how that ends, sort of like “I’ll just put in the tip baby, that’s it”. I put up a bit of a protest, but we eventually got to it. At one point, before we actually had sex, I could see his roommate was peeking through the door, so we got up and went to his bedroom.

Afterwards, I had to get home but he kept saying he wanted me to stay and trying to get me to promise to come back. We will see if he really means all that though, I’ve only heard from him a couple of times since, and it has been short. I wonder if it really was a blue moon, post funeral, pump and dump. Only time will tell.

He had mentioned that he was going to this housewarming party for another friend of ours later in the week. This guy happens to be one of the ones I used to have threesomes with and he lives just down the road from him, but is apparently married now. He was joking about bringing me along as his date and seeing everyone’s reaction. He didn’t mention it again though and I saw pics of it all on Facebook- there were a lot of people I knew there. I’m sure some of them will hear about our rendezvous…just like in high school, lol. 😉 :p

Meanwhile….

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As seems to be my tendency when I am suffering from heartache, I am numbing myself with sex. I can’t cry. I can’t seem to feel and every time I think of the Cohort, my stomach just ties into knots and my heart sinks. I’d do just about anything to avoid thinking about him, to get away from the memories that seem to be jogged at every turn.

So the other night, I slept with the Boring guy again. He had called me, surprisingly, despite getting rather coldly dumped when I found out I was pregnant the second time (see, men DO always come back!!). Nothing has changed. He was, as usual, boring.

He has a routine and he sticks to it religiously. This means, every Friday night he eats wings for dinner. He plays the same playlist each time we have sex. He insists I drink the same drink at his place, which is apple flavored Crown Royal and Diet Coke.

He lives, literally, right behind an entertainment complex. His apartment is a part of it, yet he never wants to do anything there other than go to the same boring old bar. It’s not a financial thing either, he’s the same guy that bought me $200 boots and nice perfume for Christmas. He makes good money, he just doesn’t like to do anything new.

The times he has taken me out to eat, we have gone to the same exact restaurant all but once. He says he is a “creature of habit”. The sex is okay, but it’s just….the same. He wears a condom and can’t cum with one on, so it seems pointless. It’s hard for me to feel satisfied with sex when I haven’t been able to get a guy to orgasm.

The worst part is the questions he asks me though. He seems to think I should be obsessing over his body (he works out regularly and runs in races- he likes to show me his medals). He will be like “does my frame feel different to you baby?” Uh, what? I could honestly care less about his “frame”.

This is the guy who sends texts that say things like “I’m working out to get in shape for you baby”. It’s such a turnoff to think of a man preening for me. Yuck! Oh and he sometimes wears G-string underwear. Sooo full of himself. :p

He will ask “are you still feeling it from last night baby?” The next fucking day! Um, no, I don’t feel anything the next day. Am I supposed to?? How do you answer questions like that without either lying or seeming rude? Really, you can’t. So I play along, but come on.

Anyhow, it kind of made me laugh when he asked me that this time, because I had actually left his house, still horny, and went and fucked the Married Man. The Married Man, has been begging me for months to fuck him again. I kept putting him off.

Well, except for one time. One time, a couple of months ago, he had offered to pay me to come help him with folding his laundry. He said his wife was overwhelmed and was going to lose her mind if he didn’t help her get caught up on the laundry.

It felt pretty shady, but he put up a fake Craigslist ad, using MY email, as if it were from me, and then pretended to respond to it. I was supposedly a person who was offering in home services, like folding laundry. I was thinking that this really wasn’t that great of a cover up, if his wife DID happen to walk in the door. She had caught him sexting me once a long time ago and there is a good chance she would remember what I looked like.

In any case, I went to his house and I really did help him fold a lot of laundry. There were baby clothes amongst the piles and I was like, wait a minute- did you have a baby? He said yes, he had a 3 month old. I admit that made me feel a little bit guilty.

It also felt weird to be folding his wife’s laundry and seeing her (and his!) ratty underwear. Please, remind me, if I ever get married again, to NEVER let my underthings go to pot! He says they aren’t having sex. With a new baby, that is somewhat understandable but I’m sure sexier undergarments would help a little too. I felt sorry for her. :/ Oh, and she wears the same size bra I do…

Anyway, its not like its just me. He had a “girlfriend” for quite some time on the side but he said she was getting too attached and he didn’t want things to interfere with his relationship with his wife. He also told me a recent story about a threesome he was having with two women where one of them asked to call over a 3rd. He said SURE and the person that showed up was *surprise* a tranny!! He said he could never have sex with that woman again after watching her have sex with the tranny. He and the other woman were in shock. I can’t say I blame him, that isn’t the kind of SURPRISE most people are banking on, regardless of how open minded you are.

Point being, it’s not just me he’s fucking on the side. So, I don’t feel THAT bad. I’m definitely not emotionally attached or trying to take him away from his wife. In fact, that is the LAST thing I would want. He was actually freaking me out with some of the stuff he was saying whilst we were fucking the other night, but I’ll get back to that in a minute.

Back to the laundry. I was folding and he came downstairs and fucked me every which way on the couch before I finished. Then, some kind of contractor his wife had called came to the door and I went back to pretending to be the laundress while they talked about the state of the foundation of the house, at the kitchen table. He paid me for the laundry service and I left. Crazy.

He still texts me almost every day wanting sex. Most days I turn him down but he is persistent. Every once in awhile, I’m like what the hell, especially when things are going bad with the Cohort.

So the other night, I left the Boring guy and agreed to meet with him. It was late and he told me to meet him 10 minutes away, in the parking lot of a small restaurant. There was a man still there cleaning up, and he started to walk up to me in my car, right before the married man pulled up. Whew!

He told me to get in the back and take off my clothes. So I’m naked, other than a thong, and he was driving. He reached behind the seat to play with my nipples. At a stoplight he started undoing his pants and had me lean over the middle to give him a blowjob. His hand was feeling on my ass, which was in the air.

He was driving around trying to find a place to stop and finally settled on a dead end road in front of a house with the lights off. He climbed in the back and immediately started to go down on me. I was hoping he couldn’t taste the condom that the Boring guy had been wearing.

We were in all kinds of positions that I didn’t even know you could do in the back of a car. As he was fucking me, he started saying things like “tell me you will have my baby”. Yikes! I was like “no”. He’d say, “say it! say you will have my baby, come on”. I was totally freaked out and saying “no, no, no, no” and he kept pushing for a yes. Then he said “I’m just talking shit”. I was relieved for a minute but then he started saying he was going to leave his wife for me. He was saying that and that he wanted me to have his baby (again). I tried to tell myself, okay, this is just a fantasy thing, he said that, lol, but still…

The sex though, was good. 😉 Afterwards he asked if it had been a long time for me and I said “not that long”. LMAO. Yeah, like an hour before I came over. 😉 He was complaining that his wife never wants to have sex anymore and I said yeah that sounds like married life.

Now he wants me to commit to seeing him more often, but I’m not giving any promises. I said if and when we both have the time.

Did I mention Mr. Poly has tried to resurface a couple of times? Oh, and the Pilot. I fucked the Pilot on his lunch break from his new job (he does something with mutual funds). He was in a suit and tie and he took me out to lunch right across from where he works. Then, we fucked in the parking lot in the back of my van. There was another couple, fucking, a few cars over. He had to wipe up cum with the undershirt he had on then threw it away.

I’ve since been informed that you can get sex offender charges for fucking in public like that. Kind of scary. I should probably be much more careful. I have a history of getting careless when my heart is broken too. I just don’t want to think of the Cohort. 😦

Took a trip, and am I tripping?

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I haven’t even had a chance to tell you all about another man in my life! We will call him Chicago. He lives here in my city half the time, but travels back and forth to his home in Chicago every couple of weeks. He works from home doing some kind of computer engineering, but prefers living there, to here (where his child is) so he has condos in both places.

Actually, he recently flew ME to Chicago to stay with him for a weekend! He wined and dined me and took me to my first comedy show- to see Cedric the Entertainer. It was an exciting weekend for me, with getting to travel and experience new things. His condo has a beautiful view of Lake Michigan and he took me to a delicious steak house, where he dropped well over $200 for dinner.

Here’s the view of Lake Michigan from his condo:
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And my lovely bubbling drink at the steak house:

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I’d had some car troubles, thanks to my teenager (long story), so Chicago covered rental vehicles for me to take my kids to their dads, and also paid for my gas. His brother drove me to the airport. Obviously, this guy is doing alright financially. 😉

Actually, he’s been probably more of a Sugar Daddy than any of the others, buying and giving me things here and there. He gave me a brand new printer for my computer and bought me a shawl so I wouldn’t need to borrow his jacket when we go out. He’s taken me out for lots of dinners at nice restaurants and to the movies several times.

Sounds fabulous right? Well, not quite. I’m really, just not feeling this guy. I just can’t bring myself to LIKE him that much. I’m trying, really I am, but it’s just not there.

He’s obviously doting on me, and being a nice person. He claims to like me a lot. Yet, some things just really bug me. I’ve finally figured out that he reminds me of my ex husband.

He reminds me of him in SEVERAL ways. One, is how he acts in the bedroom. We just can’t seem to have good sex. There is like, NO chemistry. He’s doing some of the same things that other guys do, at least trying to be good, but it’s just not working for me! It’s so weird.

One of the things that bothers me, is that he just doesn’t seem to be able to, or maybe he’s just not interested in, reading my body language. If I don’t like something, and try to make it clear, he just keeps trying to do the same damn thing!

Like he has an obsession with trying to lick my nipples. Sometimes I like that, but not the way he does it. He will lunge toward my nipples with his tongue flicking out and I am like cringing. I’ll kind of push him away and he comes back again in full force. So I actually covered my nipples with my hands and he tried to pull them off! I wouldn’t let him so he’s laughing about it, what you don’t like that? I said they feel sensitive and now he harrasses me about it, major turnoff. He is constantly trying to do what I have made clear I wasn’t feeling.

What’s crazy is that my ex husband would try to do that very same thing and act the very same way about it- annoyed with ME for not enjoying something. Get over it already and quit trying to do something I’m obviously not liking! Sheesh!

That’s just one example. The rest of the sex just isn’t working well either. I just don’t like it.

I’m sure some of it, is that he’s just NOT the Cohort. I’m emotionally attached and it makes it hard for me to be with someone new. I only started seeing this guy after the last miscarriage, when I wasn’t sure what was going to happen with he and I.

Still, it’s not just the bedroom where he’s acting insensitive. He doesn’t seem to pay any attention to the things I SAY to him. It’s like he cuts me off or changes the subject or just says “uh-huh” like I’m not saying anything interesting. It’s very upsetting to me to not feel heard when I am talking. That too, is very much like my ex, who brushed off anything I wanted to talk about (outside of the Bible or politics) as unimportant.

He also has a tendency to over-explain things to me, like he thinks I am an idiot or something. It makes me feel like a child. He took me to a park the other day (and to eat afterwards) and insisted on looking up the history of the park on his phone and reading to me about how it was donated by some woman whose husband owned a biscuit factory, like he was giving me a lesson. TOTALLY like my ex husband, who was always lecturing about something.

He actually wanted to talk about scripture on our last date. Uggggghhh… he said because it was something “different” than what most people talk about and he thought it would be a nice change of pace. I spent 15 years talking about the Bible. I didn’t want to be rude but I really didn’t feel like elaborating on my thoughts about various passages of scripture. It felt torturous.

He wants to hold hands, and be “romantic” all the time but it makes my skin crawl. I feel guilty, but I can’t help it! It’s frustrating.

Anyway, when we got back to his place, I decided to play a little game, just to test and see if he actually does listen to anything I say. I asked him some questions about myself to see if he knew the answers to any of them, all things I had told him before. I was like what color are my eyes? He said “blue” (we were in candlelight and my eyes are green). I asked how many siblings do I have, where did I go to high school, what did I major in in college? He got them ALL wrong. Then I let him ask me stuff and I got every single answer RIGHT. Because I actually freaking LISTEN when someone is talking to me!

It bothers me so much, that I don’t know if I can stand it much longer, even with all the perks. His birthday is coming up soon and he has decided he wants me to make him a picnic with wine and grapes and strawberries that we feed each other on a blanket outside, and then I give him backrubs. It sounds kind of like Hell on earth. Not sure how to get out of it without being rude though.

I guess all this kind of explains why my trip to Chicago, while fun in some ways, just wasn’t what it was cracked up to be. The whole time I was really missing the Cohort and wishing he was the one with me. We would have had SO much fun, doing those exact same things together. Heck, I can have a blast with the Cohort at the grocery store! Lol

Chicago took me to the store with him the other day and I was miserable. He took like an hour to buy stuff and it was soooo boring. It reminded me of being a kid and getting dragged along on errands with old people. Bleah.

I was positively aching for the Cohort the whole time I was away in Chicago. He didn’t even know I was gone (it was two days, one night) but I missed him something awful. Then he called, right as I was boarding the plane. I told him where I was and actually ended up getting MAD at him for no reason. I think it was just all that pent up resentment that I was spending my time with someone else, when he was who I’d rather be sharing all this with. At that time we were trying not to have sex with each other.

We couldn’t talk after the plane took off, so I stewed on my thoughts for awhile and finally figured out that was what it was. So I told him the truth and said I missed you and the whole time I was here I wanted to be with you. Being with this guy was mostly meant to take my mind OFF of him, but it hasn’t been working very well.

The house party goes downhill (part 2)

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When I left off the last blog entry, I was still at the party and had just finished experiencing a gigantic cock.  I feel a little guilty about my attitude at the time, now that he has been texting me a little bit.  He’s actually been fairly nice.  Maybe I was too hard on him. Guys don’t always want to be treated like a big piece of meat either.  In any case, he said his time with me was “phenomenal” and he wants to meet up again.  He is a nice looking guy and wasn’t awful or anything, he just seemed pretentious. 

That and I was irritated that he wouldn’t cum.  In talking with The Redhead later, she brought up that he didn’t cum with her and I said don’t feel bad, me either.  We agreed we hate it when men try to reserve that so they can keep fucking at parties or whatever, because it makes you feel like a failure.  I mean, I get the reason, because it would be hard for most of them to keep going and going and going if they didn’t, it’s just still a disappointment.  They probably don’t like it when we hold back from them either.  SHE said when he tried to put her in doggystyle she told him “no way!”  LMAO  Made me feel a little better about refusing to swallow.

Okay, so when I walked out of the bedroom with this guy, I saw The Host watching from across the room.  It was mildly awkward so I just kind of ducked into the kitchen to avoid him.  He got up and followed me.  He came over and grabbed my arm and said “come here”, practically dragging me back to his bedroom.  Only he kept going, and took me into the bathroom. 

I was like “why are we going in here?” and he said because it was more private.  The private rooms were all filled up and his room was for public play.  I couldn’t tell if he was upset or angry or what and was trying to gauge his reaction. 

He said he had to have me now, and started undoing his pants.  He told me to suck it and I had to close the toilet lid and sit on it to do so, lol.  It’s a small little 3/4 bathroom and a tight squeeze in there.  I didn’t do that for long before he pulled me up and told me to bend over.  Over the toilet, lol, I was having to grab onto the sides of it to hold on. 

He grabbed a hold of my hair, pulled me up enough to where he could talk in my ear and said “did he wear a condom?”  I said yes and he said “I don’t want you fucking anyone here without a condom but me”.  I said okay, (not like I was planning to do that anyhow) and he pulled my hair harder, starts pumping harder and says “I mean it!  Do you hear me? I want to be the only one who gets to feel your wetness”. 

Okay, anyhow, we were in there for quite awhile, in the same position, with me grabbing onto the sides of the toilet, lol.  He kept saying he needed to go and could hear people out there looking for him, but he didn’t want to.  He finally stopped (without cumming) and said “I have to go out there but I promise I’ll make love to you later when we are alone”.  What’s funny is that today he actually apologized for being “too aggressive” with me and I guess that is what he was talking about, though I wasn’t the least bit bothered by it at all.

After I left the room I was accosted by the security guy I had been flirting with.  I guess he saw I had just been in there with the Host.  He said he was finished working so we went into a private room.  He started to break out a condom and then asks me if I want him to go get his cousin first.  I said “sure” so he did.  Now I’m kind of regretting that.  I think all would have gone much better had it just been the two of us.

This was quite possibly the worst threesome I have ever had.  We started out on the bed with me sucking security guy #2’s dick, and the other guy fucking me from behind, just like the last time.  Okay, well guy #1 is behind me going at it kind of hard and at the same time guy #2 starts trying to deep throat fuck me.  This was not cool as I was gagging and on the verge of throwing up.  I had my hand on the lower half of his cock and that was the only thing keeping me from choking to death while they were both ramming me from different directions.  I wasn’t in a position where I could SAY anything so I was trying to push back with my hand and stop this and security guy number two starts saying “get your hand out of there, come on suck the whole thing, take it all” and ramming harder. 

Let me say here that this is totally NOT my thing!  I do not enjoy being gagged to death on someone’s cock or having them fuck my throat.  Hell, its hard not to choke sometimes even controlling things myself, let alone with someone ramming it in there.  Apparently there are women in the world who enjoy this sort of thing but I am not one of them!!

It got to the point where I managed to pull my mouth off of his cock.  He didn’t seem to like that and was yelling something about taking it all in but I pulled away and we switched positions, to where I was fucking HIM instead.  He put on a condom and started doing me from the back.   Only he was fucking me much harder, ramming it in a lot harder and faster and the OTHER guy starts saying the same crap this one was about taking it in my throat.  I was miserable and trying to push them both away at the same time.  They didn’t seem to get it.

Someone opened the door and let in the old guy from the last party.  Security guy #2 left the room to go grab another woman while this old guy comes up behind me and is trying to finger me from the back, while I’m still in a doggystyle position with my mouth on security guy #1.  I was showing no interest in sucking his cock anymore and he’s starting to go limp, but still pushing for me to suck it.  Meanwhile the old guy is behind me and trying to finger me from the back, which I also wasn’t enjoying.  A dick is one thing but fingers can irritate me at times and in that position and with him basically trying to fuck me with them, it was not fun.

Security guy #2 and the other woman, a skinny older black woman who has the “librarian” look with glasses and gray streaks in her hair came in.  She starts sucking his cock and he is telling her the same shit he was saying to me but she actually seems to like it.  Maybe because no one was ramming her into him from the back.  Anyhow, the old man was diverted onto fingering her and I was glad for that.  I started to get up, wanting to leave, but security guy #1 comes up behind me and wants to fuck me over the side of the bed.  He was struggling with the condom and losing his erection.

The other woman was really getting into things, really seemed to be enjoying this crap that I hated.  I had tears all down my cheeks, and was feeling awful.  I just wanted to get out of there, but I let him put it in from behind for a minute.  It felt like he went in without a condom and I finally just pulled away from him and walked over to the other side of the room to start getting dressed.  I don’t think he came. 

Maybe some of it was that it was 4 am and my drinks were starting to wear off, but I was just totally turned off and unhappy.  I guess I felt a little inadequate for not liking this stuff when the other woman seemed to think it was so great too.  I was hoping though that they would just direct their attention to her. The old guy had left and the second security guy and the other woman finished while I was getting dressed.  She was lying on the bed and said she was still cumming.  :p 

I don’t know.  I just hate that sort of thing.  To me it feels degrading and I’m not enjoying it a bit.  When I say I like dominant men, I don’t mean in that sort of way, at all.  Maybe I’m hard to please.  It’s one of the reasons I am afraid of gangbangs though.  Some guys just don’t get the difference there or what I mean when I try to tell them that.  Having a bunch of guys and a misunderstanding in that sense could really end up to be a disaster.

Gotta run, my library time is up.  More soon!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

The conflicted married man

obsessed

Many times on this blog I have mentioned the man that was the best sex of my life.  If you recall, he is married, but I didn’t realize that at the beginning.  We met for what was supposed to be a one night stand, which turned into a little more. 

It’s been over a year since I saw him last but we still keep in contact.  He often asks me to meet up at times that are inconvenient or impossible.  Other times we set up plans and he flakes out.  If it were anyone else I probably would have been done a long time ago, but he is A-MAZING and I let things slide.

I figure he’s married and I know that it is hard to plan, especially with him living a few hours away.  Nevertheless, it gets annoying at times, being cancelled on.  Still, we are talking about a man, who within minutes of meeting me, off Craigslist, at a hotel, managed to make me cum REPEATEDLY, like 50 times in an hour and a half time period.  This, after me having NEVER been able to cum with another man before in my life!!  He’s like some kind of superhuman sex God, I’m not even kidding!!  After that it just got better!!

We’ve actually only met up a couple of times.  The rest of it has been this flaky, weird behavior with him that I keep talking about.  Married man shit.  Yet, we text, he asks me about the guys I meet and the swinger parties, and of course wants an occasional picture.  Once his wife caught him texting me and that was a problem.  Still, 3 weeks later he was contacting me again and even added me on Facebook. 

He’s cool, I like him, but it is not an emotional thing, other than right after having sex because he does tend to affect me.  He was talking crazy, with this stuff about me moving into one of the houses he owns, having his baby and paying me 3,000 a month to do so.  I thought at first he was just saying that because we were so into the sex and it was part of a fantasy, but he has brought up me moving there at other times and again said things about wanting to get me pregnant.

On Facebook, and from the things he has told me about his life and kids, he appears to be the ideal, upstanding, church-going, family man.  His wife posts cutesy pictures of the two of them together and tags him in it.  She is pretty and seems sweet from all I can see.  The kids are adorable and one is actually from another mother, who oddly enough is now dating a guy I went to high school with!  So I see their pics on there too, lol. 

Anyhow, that’s the backstory.  He makes good money and travels a lot for his business. He lives a few hours away in a big city, but when we originally met he was here for some sort of convention. 

A couple of days ago he texted me saying he had plans to see a client in a town that was about an hour from here.  He had deliberately scheduled it at the end of his day hoping to see me before he had to head home. Letting me know a day in advance is an improvement on his usual “hey I am in xyz town can you be here in a couple of hours” type texts. I said I would check and see if my ex would take the kids and if so, sure I would try and meet up.

It all worked out and I gps’d it and was heading his direction.  He’d made sure to check with me ahead of time and warn me that he would be in meetings and unable to answer the phone until after that was over but said just start driving.  He wanted me to come earlier but I wasn’t able to head out until after my ex came home at 6. 

I was on the road, on a highway I’ve never taken, when he called to ask where I was at.  He said not to meet him there after all but in a different city, that he thought was closer.  I was familiar with the second city but was going completely in a different direction, well parallel, to it.  Unfortunately I had driven a ways before we figured that out.  It was dark, my gps on my phone kept saying it couldn’t access data and neither one of us knew for sure where the hell I actually was.

I finally got it to take me back to the familiar highway that would get me to the city he wanted to meet up in, but I had to drive 22 miles to get there, on some scary, dark, back roads.  Did I mention I was wearing heels?  Not just heels, but heels and a bra and panties, with a trench coat, per his request.  I did bring some other clothing but had mostly stripped it off due to the cold sweat I had broken out in from all the stress of being lost in the dark.  I was also without ANY kind of phone service for the 22 miles I was on that road.  Ugh.  I was driving around all these curves, in heels and lingerie, terrified, in the dark, on some back country road in the middle of nowhere. 

NO ONE else could have gotten me to do this, lol.  I swear.  He is just way too freaking good in bed!!  Still, I was a tad irritated.  Then I finally get to a city I recognize and am finally able to call him. It turns out I have BACKTRACKED on that freaking highway.  I’m only about 15 miles out of town and still need to drive almost an hour more.  Sigh….

I asked if it was getting too late, if he still wanted me to come.  He vacillated a bit because he wanted to get home at a decent hour, but said he REALLY wanted to fuck me.  I kept driving.

Finally, I arrive in the parking lot off the highway, where he is waiting in his car.  I get out, in my trench coat and heels and walk over.  He lets me in and I ask where he wants to go now.

He says “there is something we need to talk about”.  Oh God, this doesn’t sound good.  What could it possibly be?

His wife had just called him, telling him she loves him.  Now he is feeling guilty.  He doesn’t think he can do this.  He didn’t used to feel guilty but he had promised her and God that he wouldn’t do this anymore and now here he is and she calls to tell him she loves him.

I say it’s ok.  I understand and I am not mad at him.  He apologizes.  Then he just stares at me.  “I want to fuck you so bad”.  “God, I want to fuck you so bad”.  He grabs my hair and keeps staring, lustfully, and stroking my head.  He goes in for a kiss, then pulls away, looking guilty.  “I can’t do this”. 

I said it’s ok.  He says he wants to fuck me so bad but he promised and he needs to be a better man.  He keeps apologizing and says he will fill my tank up with gas.  I said it’s ok, I don’t want you to hurt anyone or feel guilty.  I’m not mad at you.  He keeps staring and staring at me.

Then, suddenly he starts driving.  I was like “where are we going?” and he wouldn’t answer.  The look in his eyes was almost crazy.  I asked again and he said nothing, making me start to freak out inside.  It was dark and he was driving me towards the woods.  I was like “where are you taking me?” and he pulled over in a dark parking lot corner near the woods. 

He started kissing me and pulled open my coat.  His mouth went down to my nipples and he started sucking on them.  Then he pulled away and looked guilty again.  “I can’t”.  He said he wanted me really badly but he loves his wife. I said it’s okay, I understand.  I’m not mad.  You can take me back to my van.

He kept apologizing as we drove back and had me follow him out to the gas station.  He put about $25 in my tank and asked if that was enough.  I said it was and he said “I’m sorry” and that he felt bad having me drive all the way up there.  I said it was okay and he looked at me again before turning away to walk in the convenience store.

I drove off and halfway home texted “goodnight :/”.  He said “sorry” and when I got all the way back I said “sometimes temptation is hard to resist”.  He was most likely home with his wife by then, and never responded.

Sigh.  I really wanted to fuck him.  But I also feel bad.  I’m not trying to be a homewrecker or tear apart anyone’s happy family.  I really do think he loves her and she is probably a great wife.  From what I gather I think he has most likely been a serial cheater, though he did say it’s been a long time since he did anything. 

I struggled a little bit, feeling rejected, but I know and understand his reason.  Still, a big part of me wanted to tempt him to fuck me again anyway.  The other part is going “awww….how sweet, he’s such a good guy” and partly feeling guilty for leading him astray. 

I wonder if I’m ever going to hear from him again?  Can he really keep it up, resisting temptation?  He told me when we first met that he thinks he is a sex addict.  He said “you are too, aren’t you?  I can tell”.  According to him, he’s never met a woman like me, that was already such a freak before meeting him, though he claims he’s turned others out.  He couldn’t believe I just walked up to his hotel room to fuck after communicating on Craigslist and said he’d never expect that from a woman of my caliber and looks. 

Anyway, I’m a tad bit torn.  I want him to be happy and not feel so guilty but again I don’t want to give him up!  I know his wife would never leave him in a million years.  He’s too good in bed, makes good money and is a good dad.  A woman’s dream.

 Ladies, if you ever want to keep a guy from cheating, now you know.  Let him know you love him and make him feel guilty.  Seems like it works better than anything else I know of.  He said before he didn’t used to feel guilt about it.  Now he does.  I’m guessing they must be trying to work on their relationship, maybe with counseling or something.

Anyhow, that’s where we are at.  I hope if he ever decides to cheat again though, that it is with me.  I won’t interfere if he is doing what he believes is right but if he changes his mind I am not going to fight that either!  I couldn’t, he is just too darn good!!  I guess he has been living vicariously through me a bit with the stories of my life and parties and all that too. 

Now I know why he is so darn flaky.  I hate the guilt.  Yet I really do understand.  I felt that way too, at times, when I was cheating on my husband, even though I felt it was with good reason.  It took me awhile to come to terms with it all. 

I felt a little resentful that he seemed to be putting me in the role of evil, seductive, temptress but I have to remember he is deeply entrenched in Christianity too.  He is the moral, upright, kind of guy you see in church every Sunday and Wednesday night.  Kinda like my ex husband.  Yet the sex, OMG, I have never felt so much passion out of someone in my life.  He said he felt the same way about me.  I wonder if he will cave?

 

 

It’s my Blogiversary!! :D

Ladies and Gentleman, I am proud to announce that it is the official one year anniversary of the day I opened a WordPress account and began this wonderful blog! Woohoo!  I am thrilled to see that in that amount of time I have acquired 226 followers and even more happy that so many of you have taken the time to interact and comment on my writing and experiences.  I’ve even received blog award nominations a total of 14 times!  Wow!! 

So glad I decided to come here and put my thoughts to good use.  It’s like therapy for me to write about what’s in my head and and others get a peek into my interesting life.  I’m having my cake, eating it and sharing it with all of you!! 😀

Image

It’s funny that right around this time weddings have really been on my mind.  Not just the little emotional fantasy voyage my mind has been on regarding the Producer, but other weird little happenings as well. 

The other day, Friday the 13th to be exact, my ex- husband’s girlfriend texted me again.  She wanted to know why our marriage ended and if he had ever cheated, so I gave her the short version. 

I said “Not that I know of.  He fell for another woman that he was working with but I am pretty sure they never had sex.  He told the marriage counselors that he would leave all of us for her if she wanted him though.  Really our marriage was over long before that.  We weren’t having sex hardly at all and he said he was never attracted to me.”

I mean, all that is the truth.  There is a lot more I could have said but I was kind of taken aback by the question in the first place and didn’t want to trash talk.  Yet, at the same time I felt like I should warn her.  Warn her about the lack of sex and let her know that if it is happening to her she’s not alone.  I mean, what do you say?  There’s no way I could fit 13 years of marriage into a text.

Anyway, she had a reason for asking because right afterwards she informed me that he had proposed to her and that’s why she wanted to know.  Holy cow!  She has claimed in the past that they were going to tie the knot, and even had a date set, but he told me that they weren’t at that time.  This, however, sounds more serious.

If any of you all remember the blog post I wrote about six weeks ago, where I got a text from his number asking if I still think about him, but he later said it was her drunk texting on his phone, well, that makes it extra weird.  One of my sisters, her child’s father did something similar right before he proposed to his current wife.  He just had to check and make sure she wasn’t still interested first, and I wonder if that was what it was all about, but I guess I’ll never know!

In any case, I would never want to get back with him but at the same time it brings up some feelings.  It’s again a reminder of the family I dreamed of having being shattered and totally lost as our marriage fell apart.  It’s a reminder of all the plans we had for our life together and how those came crashing down.  Another reminder of my own failure to provide the perfect home I thought I could have for my children, and that I’ll never have that chance again.  Ouch.

As another reminder, when I was getting my nails done later that day ,(finally using that gift certificate I won, lol) I picked a glittery neutral pinkish color, thinking it would go well with most of my clothing and toes.  The woman said “oh, that is ‘June Bride’, were you a June bride?” and mentioned that she had just gotten married this June.  Sigh… 

Yesterday I was at the park with my kids and took my 3 yr old in the restroom.  Inside was a woman dressed in a wedding gown attempting to use the restroom while three bridesmaids held her dress.  That was entertaining anyhow.  What’s the message in that?  Marriage is shitty?  Haha

For the most part I’m not too worried about my ex getting married.  I’m thinking it doesn’t really affect us that much since he is already fairly distant from the kids.  It might mean he won’t want to take part in our tax return deal, where I allow him to claim a couple of the kids in exchange for half his refund, so in that sense not good for me.  Other than that, I don’t know. 

Today when I dropped the kids off for their (day) visit, he didn’t come out to the vehicle to get them.  I called and he said he might be there in a minute.  We waited awhile and finally his girlfriend came out, which was awkward, since I normally avoid her.  She said he was just waking up.

So I text my son and ask if everything is okay and call the other one, and they say, it is now, our dad just got home.  What?  I don’t get that.  They were lying to me about him being there, which makes no sense, unless he just didn’t want to talk to me. When I called and texted was like 15 minutes after I left and he had known we were coming. He had even texted me like an hour before to make sure what time (and he was supposedly asleep?).

 His girlfriend is really jealous and seems to think I still want him, regardless of me telling her multiple times I don’t.  She has gotten upset if I talk to him about anything that isn’t related to the kids, even finances.  I don’t know if this marriage thing is going to her head to the point where she thinks she has to control his every move or what.  She is kind of like that and I wonder if that isn’t why they are together.  He did say, when we were divorcing that the reason he wasn’t as attracted to me was because I was “too nice” and not bossy enough.  (I know, wtf? Right?)

I wonder what this means for the future because if he is unwilling to talk to me even about things with the kids, it is going to make me feel uncomfortable leaving them there.  I have full, sole custody and he doesn’t show a whole lot of interest in them or with helping with our difficult teenage son anyhow.  I think it would make me feel a lot less guilty about packing up and moving far away if it comes to that.  I guess only time will tell.

Uh-oh

fighting

Tonight the Pilot and I opened a new couples profile together on the swinger site.  We added some pics of ourselves fucking as well as photos taken from each of our individual profiles.  He wrote it up really well and we look and sound awesome, if I do say so myself. 😉

As soon as he put it out publicly we were inundated with views and winks and emails as well as people sending us their private photo galleries.  It’s only been up a couple of hours and there have been something like 400 or more visitors already.  One of our first visitors was apparently, the Professor. :/

I felt awful.  He texted me almost as soon as the photos were posted.  He must have seen the ones of me and tried to click on it on the main page where they feature new photos.  Only, he couldn’t access our actual profile because the Pilot blocked single males from looking at us. 

His text said “I see you block single males from your profile now so I guess you found someone who will treat you well and appreciate you.  Good luck”.    I’d been hoping with him being blocked he wouldn’t have even been able to see the photos.  Unfortunately that wasn’t the case. 😦  No idea if he had to see the ones of us fucking or even recognized that it was us but for his sake I hope not.

It was especially bad because he’d been texting me yesterday, obviously trying to reconnect.  I do still care about him too, a lot, and don’t want to hurt him.  He clearly took us blocking single males as a personal affront but it wasn’t that at all.

The Pilot wanted to do so because he didn’t want to deal with emails from single men.  No reason that he should need to.  If I come up there to visit him and we are playing with someone we meet with our couples profile it wouldn’t be fair for it to be a guy.  Then the Pilot wouldn’t get to fuck anyone and I would.  A single female at least we could both play but he isn’t into guys. 

We kept our single profiles and it was decided to avoid drama we will only hook up with people TOGETHER with our couples profile and if we want to do something separately we need to do it with our own profiles.  Makes perfect sense to me. 

However the Prof was clearly hurt and it put a damper on my excitement.   We texted back and forth and I was here trying to comfort him in between happy texts from the Pilot telling me thanks for being such a cool girl.  We are also planning to go to another party and were getting all the details taken care of for that.  Then he was off to hang out with some swinger friends (and possibly have sex). 

I still feel totally relaxed about the Pilot and what he does without me.  It doesn’t bother me a bit at this point.  He’s just got a really good attitude about it all.  It was his idea to not have any outside hookups without each other from our couple’s profile.  I love the way he sets boundaries like that.  It makes me feel so much better about everything and like I don’t have to worry.

So, back to the Prof.  He was clearly jealous and upset.  I told him I wasn’t blocking single males from my regular profile just for this one and it’s only for occasional play with a friend.  He was like “oh, well ok.  Glad you found a friend that appreciates you”.  I must have told him at some point before that he didn’t appreciate me.  Sigh.

I told him to stop it.  That he’d pretty much broken my heart and that I wasn’t trying to hurt him and that the single male blocking wasn’t personal.  I said I didn’t think he’d even see it, which was true.  We put it in a zip code closer to the Pilot and I just wasn’t expecting the Prof to notice it right away like that.  Our profile photo doesn’t show our faces.

He said our breakup was hard for him too and that he cares for  me and it isn’t easy but I have the right to do whatever I like.  I spent some time explaining that it was just for fun and I’m not tied down to this guy or anything.  He commented “well, he must not want you guys to play with single guys when you’re a couple because he did block them”.  He was really stuck on the blocking thing.  Maybe because it makes him feel shut out and he can’t even look but I really don’t think he wants to see a bunch of pics of me fucking the Pilot anyhow.  I didn’t tell him that though.

I tried to explain our reasoning and he said I didn’t have to but there was still a hurt and jealous tone to his texts.  He kept saying “well, I hope you’re having fun”.  He made a comment that I acted like he was supposed to know this guy or something the way I talked and I said no, not that I know of.  I didn’t tell him this but I’ve barely even mentioned to the Pilot that I had a relationship before him.  I commented that I had been seeing someone about 9 months and going to parties with him occasionally but that’s all he knows.  He hasn’t pressed any further so I kept quiet about it.

It’s possible that they’ve met.  The Pilot apparently also knows (and probably slept with) the married woman that the Prof sees but I wasn’t going to get into a discussion about that.  I didn’t want to get into too much detail with either of them about that kind of stuff.

I finally told the Prof, hey, you didn’t want me anyway, you said you didn’t want any kind of relationship with me.  You said the other woman in your life was more valuable to you and that I wasn’t  worth the trouble.  Then when I tried to see how you were doing you acted uninterested in talking to me.  You seemed happy with all the people you were sleeping with and like I hadn’t really meant anything.

His excuse was that he was really busy with the end of the school year and then getting started in his new job.  He said he can’t believe I don’t think he cares and that he misses talking to me.  I told him I cried for months and you didn’t seem to care then and he said it was because he knew it would be harder.  

I finally said “well, it’s not like anyone was making you not talk to me or be around me.  That was what you wanted”.  He said it was because there was stuff in his life that he needed to get figured out.  I have no clue what he is referring to there.

We left it at that before he went to bed and I’m up here typing.  Part of me is thinking hey, why not just have my cake and eat it too?  Can I somehow incorporate the Prof back into my life without ruining things with the Pilot?  I really do have feelings for him.  Things right now with the Pilot are so awesome though, that I am also afraid to risk it. 

It SHOULDN’T be a risk but I am not so sure that it wouldn’t be.  The Prof knows a lot of people and likes to talk and could very easily get word out about things between he and I in a way that might piss off the Pilot.  I can see him trying to sabotage things with us.  Maybe he wouldn’t and maybe I am being unfair and should give him the benefit of the doubt, but then again, maybe not. 

I also do wonder about whether the Pilot is going to exhibit any jealousy in the future.  It’s too early to tell and if he doesn’t he’d be a rare male indeed.  He’s admitted that he is afraid it is something he could struggle with if he likes someone too much.  Right now he doesn’t ask me about guys but he has said we are free to do what we want with our individual profiles so I know he has to know that is a possibility.  I have no intention of rubbing it in his face or giving him details though unless he asks.

I wonder if it’s possible though, for me to have it all?  Like can I just have all my fun with the Pilot and relegate the Prof to the fuck buddy status he claimed to want or is that just a recipe for hurt and disaster at this point? 

Oh, and the Producer has been more silent lately.  Maybe I upset him when I told him I might be going out of town this weekend.  He knew it was to see another guy and he wanted to come here.  Also, he’s just been through an ordeal because he accidentally tried to board an airplane while carrying a loaded gun in his bag.  EEEk!  As you can imagine the TSA did not take kindly to this, especially coming from a big black man.  I guess it really was an accident and he has a conceal and carry license and a clean record so they let him off but he faces the possibility of like a 25,000 fine and has to be investigated by the Feds.  He said it was really embarrassing. 

Anyway, decisions, decisions……