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My fantasies come true!

arrival

So remember last time, how positively SURE I was that I had found evidence that the CEO is married? I’m struggling now, with doubts. What if I was wrong?

Yes, I found a picture of him, posted shortly before we met, with his wedding ring on, the mother of his child and her family. That should be proof enough, shouldn’t it? You would think.

Only, he’s just so CONVINCING when he talks to me. Can a man really be THAT good of a liar?! This most recent rendezvous, he mentioned his “ex” (and he calls her that) several times. He even made a comment, saying “that’s why I left her”.

He also told me he’d been in China. I’d assumed he was lying because Tinder showed him as being 10 miles away during that time. Yet, when we got together again, he was COMPLAINING about having to haggle for prices when he was in China. If he’s a liar, he’s a damn good one!

What if….what if I’m completely wrong about him? What if that picture was taken previously and someone just re-posted it? Could I be convincing myself he’s a cheater because of my general mistrust of men? Maybe its easier for me to believe he is untrustworthy, than to open myself up to the possibility of getting hurt.

Perception is such a big thing. I could be making up an elaborate story in my head, because it fulfills some sort of fantasy for ME. Maybe the idea of a torrid, illicit, affair just turns me on! 😉 Or maybe, I’m totally on the mark and just trying to make excuses for him because I like him so much. :p He DOES behave like a married man and I haven’t ever been to his place!

There is just something deliciously sexy about the idea of sleeping with a taken man. So sue me, I get wet over the naughtiness of it all! Playing the mistress role for a little bit can feel kind of… intoxicating.

Sigh…in any case our last rendezvous was absolutely DREAMY! 🙂 He was doing work in a southern state and he decided to fly me to him for a hot overnight! Unfortunately, I couldn’t make arrangements to stay longer, since he notified me at the last minute, but he had said I could stay for up to a week.

I hadn’t heard from him in like 3 weeks and he just popped up out of the blue and suggested this trip. He didn’t really even ASK if I wanted to come, just stated that he was planning on flying me out on Saturday to be with him. Fortunately, I happened to have the weekend free!

He did mention that he’d been in China, and he said he’d missed me. I never know though, with him, whether I will hear from him or not. I don’t go out of my way to contact him, just wait and see what happens. Telling myself he is married at least gives me a way to make sense out of it all.  Meanwhile, he’s the fantasy mystery guy.

It was so exciting and I felt like a princess!! He flew me business select and I got to be practically the first person on the plane each time. I don’t know if he paid or used his companion miles but I saw what the tickets cost when he sent me the choices for when I could come and return. Two one way tickets, would have been about $700. Not that that’s probably not pocket change to HIM, lol, but it would be a big deal to me!

I love, love, love traveling, even when its just a short little jaunt to someplace new! It’s so fun for me and I don’t get to do it often. When I arrived, he took me out to a really nice seafood restaurant for dinner too! Yum!!

The discussion was interesting and he really is a fascinating man. He’s like an extreme caricature of what I would consider “masculine”. Sometimes I find his thinking to be very overly logical and black and white, but he is incredibly intelligent and it shows.

He’s also so, so, soooo incredibly masculine and dominant in the bedroom!! He’s absolutely PERFECT in the sack. WOW! I can’t get over how much he turns me on!! He’s like the perfect combination of super dominant and super giving, that I absolutely LOVE!

He’s so good that I still let him go for anal, even though it hurts like hell and we haven’t been able to do it for very long, lol. 😉 It’s still not my favorite activity but by the time he tries it I’m usually drowning in oxytocin and wanting to give him anything and everything.

The last time (not this one) he even brought lube, and a toy! He said Trojan had been at some convention he was at and he bought this little vibrator. It was awesome!! He pulled it out and surprised me during sex, whispering in my ear that he had gotten me a little surprise. Just the tone of his voice when he said that to me STILL gives me tingles all through my pussy.

It was brand new, in the box. He ended up having to go and get a knife to open it, lol. Yet, he didn’t give it to me afterwards. I wonder what he did with it? Did he give it to his wife? Another woman? Throw it away? Hmmmm….haha

Anyway, he used it on me in multiple ways during sex and it felt sooo good. Then he lubed up my ass and used it on my clit during anal. It probably made it a little easier but it still hurt and I still bled after. We didn’t do it for very long.

This time, on our trip, we didn’t do all that, but I FINALLY got to experience HIM having an orgasm. He didn’t even cum with me the first 4 times we had sex, even after HOURS of fucking and blow jobs. I was trying to play it cool but it had me a little worried!

This time he came, after a nice long blow job and then thrusting really hard and fast while I was on my stomach. I figure maybe he was afraid to be that rough with me in the beginning. He’s super focused on getting ME off most of the time and probably needed to relax enough to be a bit selfish for a change, and get HIS.

Lest you think the sex was short this time, it wasn’t.  It was down to about 3 1/2 hours though, versus the 5 or 8 the last few times.  It was still amazing and we did have a little anal, though not for too long.  Did I mention how incredibly fantastic he is at going down on me?? Oh MY GOD!  Lol  So many men let that slack after a while.  He even licked my asshole. 😉  No qualms… I love guys like that!

In any case, I was relieved! He came all over my back and down the crack of my ass. Ahhhh… sweet satisfaction! 😉 He cuddled afterwards and was a gentleman all the way till the time he dropped me back off to go home, always opening my car door and all the little things we women love. 🙂 I’m still walking on air…

On another note, I heard again from the Cohort. He texted me at the beginning of the year and said he was thinking of me. He was halfway across the country for a relative’s wedding and it said it made him appreciate me and the time he had with me.

It felt good to hear that, but like every other time he has contacted me, it ended in reliving a lot of grief and pain. It just hurts so much to know he still thinks of me and cares, but not ENOUGH.

I’m still spending a fair amount of time with Radioman. I saw him the day before I left on the plane but I never told him I went anywhere. We see each other at least once a week and often more.

Its funny, sometimes he says things like how he misses having a woman at home, someone to cook for him, to be there to share his day with, to be part of his everyday life. I’m not sure if he’s hinting about that with ME, or not? I like him a lot but I just don’t know if I could go there. There are so many things, like his love of gambling and the way he’s like most men and would not want ME with anyone else, but might end up there himself!

Still, I really do enjoy him and the sex is good. We’ve seen a little more of each other lately because he got my employer to agree to a collaboration with the radio station for the next couple of months. It’s been fun seeing him in a professional setting, as well as in his bed. 😉

Most of the others have fallen by the wayside, at least for the time being. I’m okay with that, especially since its been cold and wintery and I feel more like cuddling in than going out on new dates or with new men. Hope 2016 is going well for all of you!!

Can you all keep a secret?

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I have a confession to make. This actually seems like an exceptionally weird time to make it, what with the Cohort seeming to have vanished, but it has been tumbling around in my head for quite some time. I’ve wanted to write something about it, but just haven’t been able to bring myself to admit this publicly.

You know how, on this blog, I’m always ranting and railing against Madonna/Whore and the unfair way men seem to act, wanting to fuck everything in sight, yet getting jealous when a woman shows ANY interest in another man? It always bothered me sooo much, until I fell for the Cohort. Somewhere in there, I had a moment of self discovery that was sort of disturbing.

I found out that, at least with him, in a way I never expected, it TURNED ME ON.

Now, the Cohort has always been fair, and kept his jealousies in check, realizing that a double standard in our situation would not be okay. He’s gotten a little jealous a couple of times, and he was real about it, but he also got himself under control without losing it. I respect that and I feel he is better than most in that area, actually.

I’m not even talking about jealousy from a man here, really, as its not hard for me to admit that it sometimes feels good to have a man get riled up enough to show he cares. No, I’m talking about me. I’m talking about ME getting turned on by what is maybe a combination of my own jealousy mixed with a little bit of playing on a man’s Madonna/whore.

I wrote a little bit in this blog, but not much, about how I went several months without sleeping with anyone but the Cohort. What I left out, is that, not only did I have almost no desire for other men (because I was so smitten with him), but that it was also, kind of…. turning me on? Something about the fact, that he was still sleeping with people, but I was not, was making me HOT.

What the fuck Lovergirl? Where is your head? Do you need me to smack you upside of it so you can think straight again? How could you get turned on by that? Didn’t it bother you??

All good questions, and I just… don’t know. Maybe I did completely lose my head. I was so wound up in my emotions that somehow it felt…GOOD.

Like one time, when he had gone off for a weekend of gangbanging, I remember feeling mildly threatened and jealous. Only it wasn’t too bad, because I knew it was not an emotional thing for him, just sexual. When he came back, he told me all about it.

I listened to his stories for a bit before he started kissing me and taking off my clothes. He whispered in my ear “but you, you haven’t had sex for awhile, have you?” I couldn’t even speak, I just shook my head no. I could tell it turned him on just as much as it did me, and the lovemaking that followed was incredibly intense. He was flooding me with affection that it felt like he’d been holding back for a long time, saving it all for me.

Not just then, but other times too. It just felt so good to feel like I was the only one on the recieving end of all that EMOTION, like he was reserving it for me, while I was reserving my body for him. Even at a party we went to, where he slept with three other women (and me with no one else, I wrote a bit about that one before), each time he would come to me afterwards for what felt like especially mind blowing sex. I loved feeling like I belonged to HIM, and him alone.

I guess that mostly ended after the first time I got pregnant. Maybe that was a big part of what lead up to that for us, subconsciously. Like he once commented, (referring to someone else) pregnancy is like the ultimate “handcuff”. After losing the baby(ies) I felt the need to use logic again and also be sleeping with other men, since we aren’t committed. I wanted to protect my heart, which was getting too involved.

Even now, I have been having a very hard time getting over the emotional hurdle of having sex with other men. I’ve slept with some, but I just can’t seem to open myself up. I’m holding back much more than usual.

All this has helped me understand, at least maybe a little more, the whole cuckhold phenomenon. I’ve always found it kind of baffling, but maybe I get it more than I want to admit, from my own angle. Did you know that there are females that are into that and they are called cuckqueens? You don’t hear a whole lot about that, but I wonder if it is more common than we realize.

It seems like, the little bit you can find online about that sort of thing though, is filled with levels of degradation and humiliation that make me feel uncomfortable. I’m not all about that. For me I guess, it’s something different.

Like at the parties before, he has done things like had me suck his dick before he went off and fucked someone else, but nothing about it felt bad. I knew he was coming back to me, tenfold, afterwards.

I once sort of shared my feelings about all this with the Cohort, over a short text. We didn’t talk about it in depth but he brought it up on Valentine’s Day, during my miscarriage and while we were eating at a pizzeria. It wasn’t a good time and I kind of just denied it all and looked away. He tends to probe my feelings and reactions more deeply, but this time he just looked at me quizically and didn’t comment. I think he knows.

It’s just one of those things that is very hard to talk about. It’s like admitting you feel okay with that can be very shameful and embarrassing. I think, with the Cohort, my level of emotional safety was so much higher that I felt I could drop my guard and just be who I am. He would lightly tease me about things of that nature or jokingly call me his “slut slave” but he never took it too far.

There is something super intimate though, about taking it to a deeper level that way. I miss him so much. 😦 At least you all are getting some good writing out of this! 😉

Here we go again….

Twins 4_11_08 2nd Ultrasound

Well, it happened AGAIN. The Cohort and I had ANOTHER miscarriage. Who does that? What 30-something, responsible adults, who are not in an “official” relationship of any kind, go and get pregnant TWICE in a 6 month period? Apparently, us.

There is no appropriate excuse or explanation for it. It just…IS, and somehow, on some deeper level, we BOTH have to want this. We had a talk, shortly after finding out this time, and we both fessed up to the fact that there must be some subconscious pull to have a baby together. Still, it didn’t make it any easier.

Emotions were up, down, all over the place. He went back and forth from telling me that he really, really likes me and would jump on the opportunity to be with me long term if I didn’t have so many kids, to yelling at me to get an abortion. He said I treat him maybe better than any woman he has ever been with. Then said he was worried about being able to financially provide for my whole family and the social implications for him, and even brought up the fact that my other children are white. He said everyone would think he was crazy.

Then he said he’d been thinking. He thought maybe we could have some kind of non-traditional relationship, where we didn’t actually live together. He said he felt like maybe he never really wanted the whole traditional marriage type deal anyway. No matter what, he promised, he would always be there for his child.

Not long after that though, he went back to seeming angry and resentful. I told him I couldn’t handle it and just call me when he could talk without being upset. At some point, we ended up in bed together again, having hot, passionate, emotional sex. We cuddled and kissed and slept together, he came inside me, because he could. He was super affectionate.

Then, he was angry again. The roller coaster was almost too much to take. On Valentines day, it came crashing down to the bottom. I woke up to gushing blood and passed what looked like it may have been twins, in the same sac. He invited me over, and offered comfort and hugs. I had to bring a change of clothes because I was bleeding all over the place and passing clots on the mat in his bathroom.

He cleaned things up and brought me food. He took me out for pizza even though I could barely walk without having to run to the bathroom. He admitted he was sad this time and said that he hadn’t told me, but he had found a home near my house that he was planning to buy.

This sounds like the end, but it wasn’t. Almost a week later, I was still feeling nauseous, my breasts hurt and pregnancy tests kept showing up darker and darker. I was still bleeding and starting to get concerned that maybe I was wrong about having miscarried. My mind and body were playing tricks on me.

I called him, which I probably shouldn’t have, and he got really angry and started accusing me of lying. He said I was trying to “trap” him and that he thought I’d been making up that I had the miscarriage in the first place. He yelled at me that he never wanted a baby with me, to go get an abortion and leave him alone.

I ended up driving to the hospital, dizzy and bleeding, by myself, in a snowstorm. I was terrified. The ER doctors took tests and my hcg level was higher than expected for how far along I would have been. They did a pelvic exam and said my uterus was still enlarged. For a bit there I really started to believe I might still be pregnant.

Then they did an ultrasound. They said there was a lot of leftover tissue, more than what there should be, but no baby. It was possible I was farther along than expected, or it was a multiple pregnancy. I know exactly when I got pregnant because the Cohort had slipped and cum inside of me. This confirmed that it was probably what I thought the first time- twins.

They talked about the possibility of an emergency d&c but decided it was safe to send me home. I was given cytotec, which I never took because of the horror stories I have heard. The doctor said it was okay to do things naturally as long as I returned to the ER if I had pain or heavy bleeding.

Meanwhile, I had texted the Cohort to tell him where I was at and keep him updated. He asked questions via text but never bothered to come to the hospital. I felt scared and alone, and later, resentful and angry. When I expressed this to him, he was quiet, but offered to pay for the medicine and any other medical costs I incurred. He sent me the money via paypal.

He later apologized, but said he decided we should no longer have sex. So that is where we are at. He asked if I would continue to work for him, and I said yes, but we are not hanging out outside of that. I have only seen him once since then and he didn’t even hug me. We were working and talked to each other but he was obviously trying to keep his physical distance.

I’m hurt. I said I was sad and he says he is too. He says he just doesn’t think its a good idea if our relationship isn’t “going anywhere”. I guess its just too tempting to impregnate me.

The past few weekends, he’s avoided calling. Even this weekend, my kids were away at their dads, but we didn’t see one another. Still, he sends me random texts and calls sometimes for “work” purposes that really aren’t necessary. I don’t know what is going to come out of it all, but I miss him.

It feels bad to feel like I got dumped because I had a miscarriage. 😦 I’m trying to get out there and date a little bit, but haven’t really felt like having sex. The married man, when I told him I had a miscarriage, was all over that. He said “you want a baby? I’ll give you one”. Yikes! He WAS the one that once offered me $3000 a month to have his child. Now I’m kind of scared to have sex with him, lol.

It’s not been too long since I have slept with the Host (who has a vasectomy), the Pilot or Mr. Firm (he wore a condom but WOW that was hot- I think he may have earned the new position of best in bed ever, I’m not as enamored with sex with the Married Man as I used to be). There was another new guy for a bit, he was boring but he bought me some $200 boots and nice perfume. Still, I’m emotionally pretty caught up with the Cohort still and its hard to let go. I guess I am still hoping he will change his mind and want something real with me.

Maybe its hopeless, but something inside me says he’s the right man for me, like for life. Am I crazy?  Can I really be so wrong?  I know he still cares, even though he tries to hide it.  He finds reasons and excuses to contact me.  I just don’t know if I am dreaming of something that can never be.

I think one of the reasons I have had such a hard time writing in my blog lately is because I am SO AFRAID of how intense my feelings are this time around.  I’m afraid of putting it all out there and risking that vulnerability, admitting how I really feel, admitting I want something so badly.  What if I say all this and it all comes crashing down?  What if I’m wrong? What if I announce to the world how much I love someone and it turns out they really DON’T give a fuck about me?

Well, I decided to write anyway.  Thank you Mr. Firm, for encouraging me 😉 and all the others who keep asking why I don’t write.  Here I go again….

My DREAM open relationship

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All this relationship talk about the Cohort has me pondering some things lately. I’ve been thinking about what it is that I really WANT, what my DREAM relationship would look like, and what I think I could handle. I am pretty sure, at this point in my life, that a traditional monogamous thing wouldn’t be for me. Yet, there are things I crave that you can’t find just fucking around all the time.

The Cohort and I have been having some interesting discussions. He KEEPS bringing up marriage and babies, which has me pretty confused because he also is still saying he can’t handle that with me, due to my kids. It’s like, okay, then why do you keep talking about it??? Of course, I come as a package deal and he knows that.

I really like him too, which is not helping me think straight!! I mean, I like him enough that, yes, I could see those things with him for sure, just not in a “traditional” way. Not because of him, necessarily, but because of both of us, and our inclinations to have sex with different people. I don’t see us getting seriously monogamous and being able to sustain that for any length of time.

He took me out to lunch, recently, and sat there and asked me if I could handle having another baby. I said “not as a single mom”. He was like (dead serious) “NO LOVERGIRL, that is NOT what I asked you”. Uhhhh… yeah that would be a totally different scenario than what I have going on now!

Then we got into this long discussion another night where he again reiterated that he didn’t feel he could take on the responsibilities involved with raising my kids. Again, I have never asked him to do this, but the topic keeps coming up. So I asked him if he meant “NEVER” and he hesitated and said probably never. Boundary set, right? I’m STILL not 100% sure due to his seemingly contradictory behavior.

He admitted to having feelings for me. He says he just doesn’t want to take it to THAT level and I do understand that. So, I’m acting accordingly. Still he calls and texts me a lot and we spend a lot of time together, doing a lot of relationship type stuff. Oh, and he clearly wants to get married and have babies…with SOMEONE!

Anyhow, he also brought up swinging and that he felt bad that I didn’t play at some of the parties. He said he wanted me to be able to have fun too. I had to let him know that I DID have fun, that there really weren’t guys at the one party that I wanted to play with anyhow and that I don’t think like a man. Yes, I like sex but I’m not there to fuck as many people as possible in one night, unless I actually find them attractive.

As for the other party, I admitted that the Host had said he didn’t feel we could play with him there. He didn’t like that but understood about guys not wanting to step on his toes. He said we would have to find a way to make it clear to people when it is okay, but that he also feels uncomfortable with “inviting” other men to fuck me. Still, he is adamant that he would like to see me be able to play too. So I think there is hope for us sometimes at these parties. 😉

I probably was too worried about his reaction to me playing, due to my experiences with other guys. He may be totally okay with it all. He said he’d been a little concerned that my not playing meant I was hoping for him to reciprocate and I said no, that wasn’t it at all. It’s not, I’ve actually not been bothered by him playing with other women, thus far, probably because I am totally sure he likes ME so I don’t feel threatened. According to him, he wants me to tell him if I ever DO feel jealous, which kind of sounds like a bad idea, lol, but I guess we will see if that ever happens.

All of these discussions, plus a wedding that the Cohort attended this weekend (he kept talking about it beforehand),all had me thinking about what I would REALLY want, if I could snap my fingers and have that perfect, dream scenario. I don’t think my little dream is THAT unique, since I have heard of others wanting something similar, but it’s definitely not “traditional”.

I shared it with the Cohort, with the caveat that I wasn’t expecting HIM to fulfill any of this. He liked it and said it was interesting, he could relate to a lot of it. I think I may have shocked him a little. Sometimes, I think people know what and how I am thinking, and forget that they really don’t. He was surprised when I told him before, that I wasn’t on the lookout for something monogamous. SMFH

What I said was that in my dream world, I would be in a serious, but not monogamous, relationship with Mr. Dream Guy, whoever that may be. He would be someone that wanted and could handle living with me and my children (eventually) and who would treat them well. To the outside world, it would look and seem like a typical relationship, we might even get married.

However, we would both have the freedom to play as we wanted with other people. No one would know this, of course, except maybe really close friends and, of course, the people we were playing with.

I said I would probably have a couple of guys that I played with occasionally, besides him. They would be tried and true people, that I knew were cool and could be trusted and fun in bed. (Of course, when I told this to the Cohort he focused on this, of all things- haha- he was like, you want guys who can bang you well!!) The guy would be able to play with whoever too, but we would put each other first.

Of course he would have to like ME the best and we would have to be really into each OTHER. We wouldn’t let other people get crazy attached or cause any issues. I would prefer if he weren’t TOO attached to the other women, but I also wouldn’t want him to be a jerk to them or treat them badly or anything. Just, they would have to know boundaries and so would the guys.

I’d want some emotional exclusivity, though not sexual. I think I would want us to tell each other what we were up to in GENERAL but maybe not notify every time we were playing. Occasionally, we would do something wild, just for fun… a swinger party or some group sex TOGETHER.

BUT we’d do the whole family thing too! Maybe even have a baby or two (I know people think that’s crazy but I’d happily have more babies if I had the money and a supportive husband/co-parent). The kids wouldn’t know what was up and we wouldn’t play with others at our house. That would have to be at hotels, or their house or parking garages or whatever else we could come up with. If we could afford it, even maybe a small apartment for that purpose that we sometimes went to together too, just for fun. 🙂

Of course we’d both be totally okay with everything and trust each other and communicate. I’m sure if I were pregnant and having babies I’d slow down on playing some but we’d still have an open agreement. We would also make sure to spend time together, and go out at least once or twice a week but we would be able to have our space and hang out with the girls/guys and do some other things without each other too.

I also told him that if I got married again I think I’d skip a lot of the stress and just go elope on a beach somewhere or something. I had the whole traditional wedding the first time around and I couldn’t wait for it to be over and go on my honeymoon. Way too much work, stress and money that was basically to please other people, in my case! He said he thought either a beach or that it would be fun to get married at a nice hotel in Vegas, that he’d seen some simple but elegant weddings done there before. ANYHOW, he wasn’t referring to anyone in particular, I don’t think, just threw that one in there. LOL

I finally decided to tell him all this stuff, not because I expect HIM to be a part of it but because I wanted to be honest about what I really want. Honest with myself, and with others. Right now, to me, that is what sounds like a dream. I don’t know that I could ever find it or that a guy would be TOTALLY on board with all of it, but hey, its a nice little fantasy. Who knows? 😉

Keeping it in the family

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So here I am in bed, kissing this complete stranger that Mr. Host had sent in to “take care of” me, another one of his cousins.  I was a bit peeved at Mr. Host, not only for ignoring me, but now he was giving me to someone else to fuck?  It was confusing, yet, I was excited too. 

The new guy was hot, better looking than either of his other cousins, and I liked his demeanor.  I was turned on by the concept, that I was about to fuck this guy I had never even met.  I wasn’t about to say no.

He was kissing me, one hand in my hair and the other between my legs, rubbing against the satin fabric.  He said “you’ve got a phat pussy under there, I can feel it.  I can’t wait to be inside you”.  He pulled off his boxers and tugged at my pajama pants, letting me take them, and my top, the rest of the way off, as he slid on a condom.  “I am looking forward to seeing this big, black, dick against that white skin” he said, as he watched me undress.

“It’s been a long time since I’ve fucked a white girl” he claimed as he was sliding his way in.  “MMMmmm, I can’t keep my hands out your hair…and you have such beautiful eyes.”  “God, you are so fucking tight”.  He kept telling me he couldn’t believe his good luck, happening to have stopped by at his cousin’s house.

The sex was good.  He was well endowed, though not exceptionally so.  You could tell he knew what he was doing.  Halfway through he was saying “this pussy is so good, I am definitely getting your number” and talking about how he wanted to come down to see me on his motorcycle.  He was thrilled when I told him I’ll be moving up that way soon.

At some point, not long after we started, I heard someone in the hallway, using the restroom.  You could hear a door open and close and the fan being turned on.  It made me wonder who was out there?  Had the Host and those other people even left?

After having me bend over on my hands and knees for a bit, he flipped me onto my back and said “I’m gonna fuck that ass now”.  I said “No, no, no, I don’t want that” and he was like “are you sure?  I seen it winking at me”.  I laughed “NO, it was definitely not winking at you”. He teased “oh yes it was, I saw when you were bent over the bed, it was giving me the eye”.  I said I’d done it before I just don’t like it.  His response was “you just haven’t been with a man who knows how to do it right”.  “But I bet all the guys say that to you, don’t they?” He laughed.  I said yep, that is exactly what they say!  Lmao.

He said my pussy was good enough that he wasn’t gonna really care one way or the other, and went back to fucking me again.  Towards the end he asked if it was okay to cum on my face and I said just don’t get it in my eyes.  So he pulled out and was pretending to spell out his initials on my face with his dick as he came, lmao.  He was like “I’ve gotta leave my mark on that”.

He cuddled with me for a bit and asked if I’d fucked the Host yet tonight.  I said no, and he couldn’t believe he’d let him come in there first.  He took down my number and texted my phone.  Then he left the room to go get a drink out of his car. 

He came back with a lemon iced tea for me that he said he’d just bought at the gas station before he came over.  He said he’d gone downstairs and seen the Host was fucking someone.  I asked who and he said he thought it was that same woman from earlier.  She was riding him and the Host had beckoned him over with his hand.  The cousin said he wasn’t sure if he meant for him to come join in or go get me but that he’d rather just be up here with me alone.

I was surprised the Host was fucking her.  I’m not sure why, I guess I should have assumed that he would be.  She wasn’t unattractive or anything, though she was in her 40’s and maybe a little worn looking.  She was tall and blonde and skinny. 

I guess that’s why he sent the cousin into me.  I’d certainly rather fuck him than the hillbilly guy, any day.  Plus, he DID ask if I had gotten my fun in and probably assumed I’d been fucking more than I had at the party.  Who knows what Mr. Hillbilly was doing?  Watching?  Passed out?  Haha

Anyhow, I fucked Mr. Cousin again (I might have to change his name later if I see him again, I don’t want any newbies to my blog to get confused or too many people finding it searching for incest stories, lmao).  This time he pulled the condom off towards the end and went right back in.  Totally defeats the purpose there, but not the first time a guy has pulled that!

After we were finished (and he again came on my face) he wanted to talk a lot.  He asked if I wanted to come with him to some jazz bar that was open till 6 am and eat catfish.  Normally, that might sound good, but I was tired and ready to sleep.

He was telling me all about how he and the Host and their other cousins have been sharing females since they were in high school.  He said his first sexual experience was actually a MFM threesome.  According to him though, it had been awhile since he’d shared someone with Mr. Host, specifically, and he has never been to a swinger party.

He said he makes a point of not judging women because then they open up to him a lot more.  I agreed that was true and admitted that I had grown up with a family that operated similarly, with the brothers/cousins all fucking the same women.

 The guy I had the affair with was from that same family, though I had promised him during that time I wouldn’t fuck his brothers.  We weren’t at the point where he wanted to share any longer and I would stay away from most of them these days, for various reasons.  I admit to laughing a couple of years ago when one of them posted on Facebook that all he wants is to find just ONE woman that hasn’t fucked any of his brothers or cousins, and all the responses were like “have you thought about moving to Alaska?” lol. 

 He finally left around 5:30 and I heard the Host and his company getting ready to leave a few minutes later.  I knew they’d have a 20 minute or so drive each way, so I drifted back to sleep.

I was awoken by Mr. Host climbing on my back and kissing my neck.  I peeked at the clock, 6:30, but pretended to be asleep.  I was still irritated with him.  I lay completely still and didn’t move.

He slid off my pj pants and started gently biting his way up my thighs and on the underside of my ass.  I didn’t budge.  So he spread my legs open and quickly entered me from behind.  I gasped and he whispered in my ear “are you ready for your 30 seconds?” I said “what. ever.” and we had great sex for like the next hour, twice, before falling asleep.  He was saying stuff like “who’s number 1? Tell me I’m number 1″…and promising that he is going to make the sex different each time so I’ll be sure to keep coming back for more.

He woke me up with more doggystyle sex, which was pretty good, cumming inside me, because again, he’s got a vasectomy.  I started my period the next day, thank God, so we know that other guy who came in me didn’t get me pregnant.

 Anyhow, it’s hard to stay mad and he later claimed that the reason he left me alone at the second party was to let me be and let me enjoy myself.  I don’t know about all THAT, but whatever.  I still had fun and it’s not worth the drama at this point.  Just have to be careful to keep myself emotionally distant.

Meeting cousin #3

casual in scarf

When I left you all, we were just getting in the truck to drive back to Mr. Host’s house, with a hillbilly couple who wanted to smoke some pot with him.  Me, I stopped smoking weed when I was 19, other than one time at a swinger party when I took a couple hits with a girl in her car.  So, not judging people who do and I don’t really care, but for the most part I avoid it these days.

I was definitely not feeling excited about sitting around while these people smoked up, especially after we got in the truck with them.  The guy was loud, annoying, and drunk.  The woman was nicer and more timid, but she had me rolling my eyes too.

They were sitting behind us and one of the first thing the woman says is “I’m scared”.  Okay, getting in a car with complete strangers, not knowing where you are going, can be scary, but it soon became apparent WHY she was “scared”.  Mr. Duck Dynasty starts talking about how they are “country” folk and not used to these “city” people.  Both he and his wife start hinting, but not actually saying out loud, that they are leery of Mr. Host because he is black.  EYEROLL…..

He reassured them that he is not like some of these “ratchet” people.  He was telling them what a “nice guy” he is and asking me to vouch for him, which I did, but was feeling pretty disgusted with it all.  They acted like he was some thug from the hood and he’s over here in a big old cowboy hat and cowboy boots, driving a nice truck, headed to a nice neighborhood with nice houses.  Dumb.

What made it even worse, is that if there was anyone “scary” in this vehicle, it was the hillbilly, biker dude.  He kept going on about things, like how he’d been in jail, his kid is currently locked up, and how he had all these people out to get him.  We stopped at a gas station for them to run in and get cigarettes and he was freaking out because there was a police car in the parking lot.  Mr. Host wouldn’t let him go inside, due to the way he was acting, and made him send his wife instead.

While she is in the convenience store, the man starts going on about how they have been together 24 years.  He said if anyone messed with his wife, he would kill him, stab him to death.  He described it in gruesome detail, but made sure to add “I mean if it were without my permission of course”. 

I wasn’t saying much and Mr. Host told them to crack the windows. “She doesn’t like the smoke”.  Yeah, and I didn’t like being around these people in general. 

As soon as we got back to the house, I went upstairs.  They were going to smoke in the garage and I really just wanted to go to bed.  I knew it would be a long time, by the time they finished and Mr. Host drove them all the way home.  I figured if he wants to sleep with me at this point, he is going to have to wake me up.

I was totally at “just screw this” and decided to wash off my makeup and get comfortable.  I changed into some purple satin pj pants and a matching camisole, no bra.  As I am walking out of the bathroom, I run into the woman.  She says Mr. Host sent her up here to check on me.

I told her I’m fine, just tired and going to bed.  There was a knock at the door and she freaks out again, saying she is scared.  I wasn’t scared, but I wasn’t about to answer it either, dressed the way I was.  I was hoping he hadn’t invited a bunch of people over to party.  I tried to call him on his phone but we could hear it ringing in the living room and he was out in the garage. 

She finally went downstairs to get him and I crawled into bed.  I could hear people talking, and the hillbilly man asking if Mr. Host could drive him home, so they wouldn’t have to call a cab. Mr. Host came in and asked why I didn’t tell him I didn’t want to hang out, claiming he wouldn’t have brought them home.

Apparently, vehemently stating I would not fuck that guy, wasn’t enough.  Then he tried to get me up to come with him when he drove them back.  I was lying on the bed on my stomach, ready to crash. I asked “can I just stay here?” and he finally said okay. He kissed me on the cheek and left.

I could hear voices in the other room as I started to drift off to sleep. A few minutes later, someone walks in.  It was a black man I had never seen before, dressed nicely, in a coat, hat and scarf.  I sat up. I had to strain a bit to see his face, in the light that was coming from the bathroom. 

He was cute. “Who are you?” I asked, as he started removing layers of clothing. “Mr. Host sent me here to take care of you, we didn’t want you to be scared all by yourself”.  He smiled and kept removing more clothing. “I’m Mr. Host’s cousin”.  I was staring at him, somewhat shocked but also turned on that this total stranger was obviously here to fuck me.  He had a nice body too.

I said “I’m totally being a bum, I don’t even have makeup on”.  He looked and me and commented “you don’t need makeup” as he hopped in bed next to me, in his boxers.  He pulled me up to his chest and wrapped his arms around me.  “You have nothing to be scared of, I am going to take really good care of you” he said, as he started to kiss me and let his hand slide down between my legs. 

Oh man, I’d better quit before this gets too long. I’ve got some stuff I need to do.  I’ll finish the story later. 😉

Why do I “prefer” black men?

interracial couple in bed

This is one of those posts that has the potential to upset and offend just about everyone in some way or another, so I’ve been procrastinating, lol, but there have been a couple of times I said I would write it up.  So, here you go, in question and answer format. 

Most of these are real questions that people have asked at some time or another.  Don’t expect them to be politically correct and I can’t be responsible for other people’s thought processes.  Some, I find offensive too, but I’m going to attempt to answer them anyhow. I’m a big fan of DISCUSSING things rather than shushing people up and telling them they are wrong to ask. 

I’m writing it out in this manner because I think the assumptions people make can be really crazy and so far off from the truth.  Sometimes I understand why they might think a certain way and others I am just shaking my head.  Still, its not like everyone doesn’t wonder.  Maybe YOU were too afraid to ask ;). 

Ever since high school, I’ve been getting this:
Lovergirl, why don’t you ever date white guys?

Who says I don’t?  Why would they assume this?  Mostly it’s…white guys..who ask.  I guess its true, that even back then, the majority of the guys I dated were black.  Still, I’m a never say never kind of girl, especially when it comes to things like sex.  😉

Just for fun, I sat down and figured out the actual percentages for you.  Yeah, I was feeling like a nerd. 😉  This is the breakdown of guys I “count” as having had sex with (invoking the Bill Clinton clause-it doesn’t include oral).  Here are my pussy’s demographics:

Black- 75%
White- 13.23%
Asian- 1.47%
Latino- 2.94%
Mixed race- 7.35%

In every case the “mixed” group was a mix of black and white. 

Actually, the first guy I ever had sex with was white, followed by the second guy, who was Asian and then the third, who was black.  Bam! Bam! Bam!  Got that out of the way as soon as I could, hahaha. 😉  I’m playing. I honestly didn’t even think about it at the time, though now it is kind of cool to be able to say I’ve tasted the rainbow. 🙂

Anyhow, we’ve established that its not “never”.  I’ve always been kinda bugged by people who say they would “never” date someone of a different race, but it’s even more weird when you apply that to your own!  How can you block out an entire race of people from your sexual realm of possibility, and how lame is it to discount your OWN freaking race??  WTF??

Honestly, it bothers me when I hear black men say they won’t date black women and I fully understand why some black women get pissed.  The other day at the swinger party where I was talking with two women, a white guy (the one I had just given a blow job to, actually) walked out the door and they both commented that he was cute but they couldn’t fuck him.  The one girl said “I just can’t do white guys anymore” and the other agreed.  They were both white.  I kept my mouth shut but inwardly I was rolling my eyes.

HOWEVER, that said, I clearly do have a preference.  My general preference is black men.  That is USUALLY what I am attracted to.  It’s actually a very strong preference, as you can see from my numbers above.  I sometimes don’t want to admit it, like when the Professor was looking at my swinger site emails and noticed “you don’t even open the white guys’ mail!” That wasn’t entirely true though, I just hadn’t opened MOST of their mail, lol.

Is it because you hate your dad and are trying to get back at him?

This one is kind of entertaining.  Because, well, I didn’t really know my dad until I was a teenager and in the meantime, I had three stepdads.  The first one was white, the second was from South America and the third was black. 

I hated my third stepdad, and still do, but the last way I would try to “get back” at him would be to date black men.  So, hopefully that answers the question as to whether I would date that way because I was “close” to my stepfather too.  NOPE. 

If my black stepfather had been my only exposure to black men and I was one to assume they were all like him, I’d be a racist bitch.  It didn’t happen that way though, thankfully.  Maybe because I was around enough OTHER family members, who were also black, to not make those kinds of assumptions.

I always felt like I was treated like part of the family, for the most part.  While some of his family weren’t too keen on the fact that he was married to a white woman, they didn’t take it out on ME, because I was a kid.  I was just thrown into the mix with the zillions of cousins running around and really no one seemed to think much of it.

Is it because black guys have bigger dicks?

I’ve gone over this one in my post Big Black Men, Is it True?  So if you haven’t read that, head over there.  The answer is no.  That really has nothing to do with it at all.  When white guys tell me they are “black below the belt” it doesn’t turn me on.  I’m just shaking my head.

Is it because you fucked black guys at a young age and “once you go black you never go back?”

Again, I am a never say never kind of girl, remember?  Even after sleeping with a lot of black guys, I went away to an almost totally white college and guess who I fucked there?  White guys!  In fact, that is where I met my ex husband, who was white.

I get this question more from black men than white ones, actually.  What was really entertaining was after I first met my ex husband and went back home for the summer. 

When I first came back, some girlfriends and I went over to this guy’s house.  There were probably like 15 people over there hanging out.  Maybe 5 girls and 10 guys, all of whom were black (except me).  One of the guys asked who I was dating and I told them about my ex.

He thought that was crazy and announced “Lovergirl is dating a white dude!!!” Soon, the attention was all on me, while he and a few of the other guys grilled me right and left and totally made fun of that fact. 

He was like “you aren’t really dating a white guy, you can’t date a white guy! Once you go black you NEVER go back”.  The girls had to jump in “how can you tell her she can’t date a white guy??  She’s white!  You act like she’s black or something!!”  He asked “what’s his name?” and I told him his name and he starts busting out laughing and all the guys are “that is such a white name, hahahaha”.  I said “he’s white!” lmao “what do you expect??  You want his parents to give him a black name?” hahaha

The teasing went on for awhile, with the guys telling me he was probably cheating on me and me saying “no he isn’t”.  The girls were like “he’s not cheating on her!  He’s white!!”  and the guys were saying he was probably doing so right at that very moment.  :p  Then they threatened to call my ex boyfriend, the crazy drug dealer one, and tell him the news.  They were pretending to pick up the phone and I was all “go ahead!!  Why would he care, I’m not talking to him anymore anyway”.   

The whole thing ended with the guy whose house we were at telling me I “even look more white” and pretending to sneer at me, lmao.  Then he was like “you’ll be back…wait”.  Hahaha  I guess I can’t argue about that. 😉

Hold on, wait.  You have sex with all these black guys and then the guy you chose to MARRY was white?  Is this some sort of latent racism?  Did you think he was better marriage material and a better person to make babies with because of his whiteness?

No.  It wasn’t because he was white that I married him.  I actually always wanted to have a biracial baby, because of my little brother and sister.  When they were born I was a young teenager and took care of them all the time.  I thought they were the cutest things on earth and adored my younger siblings.  I totally wanted a mixed race baby, lol. 

However, I DID think my ex husband was completely different from all the other guys I had been with and more “marriage material”.  So this question gave me a pause for just a minute.  Why did I think that?  Was it more than just the fact that he had been the one to ASK me to get married or that his parents kind of pressured us in that direction?  I never dated any black guys whose parents were pressuring them to marry a white girl, btw, lol. 

If there was ONE stereotype I think I had in my head at the time regarding black men, it was that “black men always cheat”.  I know that this is probably unfair, and of course not always true, but it is what it is.  I’d grown up with that imbedded into my brain, mainly from black women!  Not to mention I’d had quite a few experiences of being cheated ON by black guys, including 3 who impregnated someone else whilst we were dating.

I didn’t want to marry someone who would cheat on me.  So I think in some way that probably DID factor into my decision at the time.  Now that I’m older and wiser I’d say everyone cheats, or they will, if they have the option.  If they have the option and don’t think they would get caught, years after being married…I suspect MOST men AND women, would cheat, black or white.

Shortly before I actually ended up cheating on my ex husband, I was emailing back and forth with a friend I hadn’t seen in a long time on MySpace.  She is biracial and has 5 kids with like 5 different dads.  She was relaying a story of one of the dads, who had asked her to marry him and got her to come to another state and even gave her a ring, before she discovered that he was ALREADY married and had given her his current wife’s ring!  Nuts. 

She said “you’re lucky, you married a white guy, you don’t have to worry about him cheating on you”.  She went on to lament that she could never date a white guy herself.  I guess I’ll never know if my ex actually cheated on me but he did eventually fall in love with someone else, so there goes that theory down the drain!

Anyhow, sometimes I kind of wish I had married a black man.  For all the negative press black men get, I’m virtually always impressed by what great fathers the guys I see are.  I mean,  they go over and above, and I am so sad for my own children that they don’t have that.

I think a lot of black men, these days, make it a HUGE priority to be a good dad.  It’s like all their lives they have seen the negative effects in the black community and all the stereotypes and go completely the opposite direction.  I wish someone had drilled this into my ex husband’s head while they were knocking him over it with the Bible.  Sigh…

You must have a sexual “fetish” for black men.

I don’t think that is the case.  It’s true that I am more physically attracted, usually, to black men.  Why that is, I can’t say for sure.  I can say that there are plenty of black men I am NOT attracted to and that the ones I am, tend to fall into a very specific “type”.  So like any other “type” that a person has, mine is black men that fall into whatever attraction template I have.  Actually, I think I have a couple.  Most of the guys I see, look or act, in some way, like a man that I have liked previously.  I guess that is part of my natural selection bias.

I also prefer black men to date, not just for sex.  I tend to feel a lot more comfortable with black men and have more in common.  Maybe that is due to not having been around as many white guys growing up.  Even when I had the South American stepfather, most of the families we associated with were not white.  I sometimes have a harder time relating to white guys, despite being white myself.

Even with my ex husband, I never really felt “close” to him, whereas a lot of times I can talk better with black men and feel more understood.  Maybe it is because I don’t really have the same cultural background as most white men.  When I went away to an all white, country, college, it was actually kind of a culture shock for me.  The music, movies, and general attitude that I grew up with veered more towards black than white.  Not that I didn’t have white friends or go to predominately white schools, because I did, but at home it was different.

So what is it that you like about black men and why do you think you choose them?

This is the hard part, because I can’t write it without admitting to having some stereotypes.  I like to think I don’t, but I guess we all do to some extent, like it or not.  Here is the deal though, I have certain traits that I like and have come to look for in men.  In my experience, it is much EASIER to find what I am looking for in a black man. 

What I think it boils down to, is that I percieve black men as being more “Alpha” in general.  Before the white guys get too upset and disagree, let me explain.  It’s not that white guys don’t sometimes have “Alpha” characteristics or that ALL black men fit the description. It just seems, in our culture and at least, here in the U.S., that with white guys it’s something like 20% of the population versus 80% of black men.

Let’s say, for example, that I am looking for a man who is dominant in bed.  I go on a sex site and find 10 black guys and 10 white guys.  Probably 8 of the black men are going to fit that description, but only 2 of the white guys.  Since the majority of the population is white (and especially where I live now), if I just focus on the black men, I can get what I want a LOT faster and not have to filter through zillions of passive white dudes.  Plus, because there are few black men in this area, I have an even smaller group to narrow it down to.

Ever feel like you are totally overwhelmed at Walmart because there are sooo many choices to pick from, for something as basic as shampoo?  It’s like I don’t even know where to start and I don’t want to try each one to figure out if it (he) is what I am looking for.  Would be much faster to run around the corner to the place that only sells a few salon brands. 

Anyow, that might be a bad analogy because I usually do just grab a Walmart shampoo, lmao, and I like to try different ones. 😉  But hopefully, I’m making SOME sense. 

What are the traits that you associate more often with black men, that you like?

Well, we have established the more dominant part.  I think that tends to be true, both in and out of the bedroom.  Now get ready for the massive generalizations, but I find them to be mostly true in my experience.

In general, black men that I meet, are more likely to have some of the following characteristics:

Dress nicely (white European guys do this but in the U.S., white guys tend to think this is “gay”)
Take good care of their physique or are “athletic”
Meticulous hygeine
Clean freaks (I love this and you rarely come across black men that are slobs)
LIKE to talk about relationships, and sex (for some reason white guys don’t seem as interested in this a lot of times)
Less judgemental
More complimentary
Less emotionally reserved and more willing to talk about feelings
More protective
More of a gentleman in how they treat women
Less critical
More supportive, emotionally
Put more emphasis on family and ties to friends

AND…what I know you really want to know…IN the bedroom

More emotionally expressive and PASSIONATE
More appreciative of my body
More dominant and commanding
More sensual and “romantic”
Care more about my pleasure in a non-supplicating way
Less selfish
More experienced

OF COURSE-

There are plenty of lame black men out there too, but I do seem to be able to find what I am looking for more often and I do love the color contrast of dark skin on lighter skin in bed.  I’ve been with a couple of white guys that were good in bed but they didn’t open up as much.  I’ve also had a disproportionate amount of one night stands with white guys.  It’s like they are quicker to hit it and quit it or think of you as “slutty” afterwards. 

My other deal with the white guys I have come across on dating sites is that they seem to go to extremes.  It’s like they are either super passive or they go crazy with it and take “dominant” to mean rough, aggressive and MEAN, which I hate.  I once put out a Craigslist ad looking for a “freak” in the bedroom.  It was like all the black guys knew exactly what I meant but the white guys were talking about totally off the wall shit, involving all kinds of props and stuff that I would never want to do.  I don’t know, maybe that’s just part of the communication barrier I was talking about earlier.

I know some of you all are probably chomping at the bit by now, but these are just my observations, experiences and feelings.  Thoughts?