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Some Cohort Confusion

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Remember how I said things seemed to be heading towards more serious with the Cohort? Apparently he thought so too. In fact, he wanted to bring up a “discussion” about it. Sigh…

It was his idea to talk about this. He admitted that I had never given any real indication that I thought the relationship needed to go anywhere. He now says he regrets even bringing it up, that it was probably too soon and that he did so because HE was starting to feel emotions that made him think about me in that light.

Okay, but what he wanted to SAY was that he DOESN’T want the relationship to go anywhere. He said he’d been thinking about it and he just can’t handle it. He’s not ready to take on my kids or sure he could handle the whole swinger thing with someone he considered his “girl”.

He gave me some speech about how he thinks I am every bit WORTH all of that but he doesn’t think he can handle it. Then he said, who knows, he may change his mind later, he just didn’t want that expectation. THAT kind of pissed me off. I was like don’t do that to me. Don’t give me this talk about how you don’t want that then try to give me hope that things might change.

Anyhow, the whole discussion was REALLY upsetting. Mainly because I had never seriously allowed myself to even THINK like THAT. Not about him, not about anyone at all, since my divorce. I just assume most men are not going to want that kind of serious with me, due to the kids and general circumstances. Its a lot to take on. I don’t expect that at all, from anyone.

He brought all this up and made me think about things I don’t even allow myself to think about because I am too afraid to hope for it. It freaking CRUSHED me, to have him bring it up and dangle the thoughts in front of my face then turn around and be like, we can never have this because of the situation.

It’s not that I don’t understand. I do. I know all too well that it’s highly unlikely that most decent men would consider doing the family thing or anything close to marriage with me. I’m not saying this because I don’t think I am personally worth it, but because I have more than the average number of children and I know its a huge responsibility, both emotionally and financially, for anyone to consider.

Why did he bring this up?? He says it was because he’s been thinking about it a lot. That basically we’ve been behaving like we are already in a relationship, that he was seeing me as someone he could have a future with, because I’m like everything he wants in a woman, otherwise. Then he got to thinking about how we met (Craigslist! And the swinger site) and the whole swinger thing too and that kind of bothered him as well.

OUCH. 😦 The whole discussion just about killed me. I was crying over it for a couple of days. 😦 He said he felt really shitty even bringing it up because I’d never asked for or demanded anything of him relationship wise. He said he just wanted to be sure to remind us BOTH that its “just FWB”.

I felt like I was being rejected/dumped but he swears up and down that was not his intent. He says he would ideally like to keep everything we have the same. He still wants to hang out, have sex, go out to dinner or swingers parties, spend time together and have me help him with his business. All this, but without the expectation of “more”.

What’s funny is it’s not like I really EXPECTED that anyway. I would have been on cloud 9, yes, if he’d said he wanted that with me, but I’d never have dreamt of ASKING for it if he hadn’t said anything himself. Ugh. Just a bad thing to bring up, especially right before I started my period.

It made it even worse that he made a comment about how if he ever DID get into a serious relationship, it would be with someone like me. He said probably someone he just happened to meet, at a bar, on the swinger site, Craigslist or somewhere like that. I’m like nice, so now I have to worry about that happening at any time? Before I felt confident that he was really into me, but that kind of ripped it out from under my feet.

Emotionally I was a wreck. I was seriously considering having nothing to do with him again and decided not to go to this weekend long swinger party at the lake we had planned on. How could I in that state of mind? I’d suddenly feel threatened by other women and insecure, which would make it a bad experience for the both of us.

Actually, if he’d gone down by himself, at that point, I couldn’t have handled it either. I wouldn’t have been able to forgive him for making me feel like crap and then just walking away to go have fun and fuck other people, someplace we’d planned to go together, without making things right first. I would feel abandoned, whether or not it was reasonable.

I told him how I felt and that I wasn’t demanding he stay back or anything, he was free to do what he wants, but this is how it is affecting me. He said he would take that into consideration, and ultimately he decided to stay Friday night. He would probably go down to the lake Saturday, but he wanted to give us a chance to make up first.

We talked and decided we were both on the same page still and okay with doing everything we have been doing and no expectations. Feelings are fine and bound to be there but it doesn’t have to “go anywhere”. We’d still be free to act the same way. Both of us were relieved and done with the “relationship talk” for the time being.

Then he asked me out. We went to a jazz bar and had a good time, followed by dinner at a late night greasy hamburger joint. He spent the night at my house and we had lots of good sex and lots of laughs. He asked if I would still like to go to the swinger party with him and I agreed to come along. 🙂

The next morning we had more sex and showered and got ready to go. We went shopping together for alcohol and food and stuff for the trip, then headed that way. We had good talks on the way down but mostly avoided the whole relationship thing.

At the party we had a good time. There was no one there I particularly wanted to fuck, though there were some guys I definitely did NOT want to fuck. We had known that ahead of time and discussed some things about it, so it was all good.

He slept with three women at the party, once each, but spent a lot more time with me. I think we had sex about 5 or 6 times there, plus the few the night before and a few times after we came back home. He even said after the first woman he slept with that it made him want to be with me even more for some reason.

He was a little perturbed when a couple of men busted in on him having sex with a woman in order to ask if they could have permission to fuck ME. LOL They hadn’t even said anything to me at that point, but wanted to ask HIM first. Its amazing to me sometimes how much more respect guys will show towards another man in that situation, yet they will get all pushy with the woman when she’s alone. These same guys, once he said it was up to me, were hounding me a bit but I chose not to go there, even though they were trying to argue me into it while he was in the other room.

I just wasn’t feeling any of the men there that night, even though several asked. Him having sex with others mostly didn’t bother me at all. The only time I got mildly upset was when he made a comment about not knowing if he would have “anything left” for me at the end of the night. It rubbed me the wrong way for a minute and he didn’t like my reaction but we remedied that fairly quickly and he did have plenty left over, lol. :p

Oh and then Mr. Motorcycle happened to show up. Eeek! That was awkward. He came and tried to lay a guilt trip on me, saying he couldn’t fuck anyone there because he didn’t think they were as beautiful as I was. That really wasn’t even true as all of the women there were at least somewhat attractive and I’d say some were prettier than I am, definitely with better bodies. I’m less than perfect after having had kids. :p

So whatever. He didn’t stay long at all and maybe it did have something to do with me. He claimed he’s been pining over me since I stopped talking to him and I really hope that was bullshit. I hate hurting people’s feelings but he definitely was not a good guy for me, and he lied a lot.

There was one point where the Cohort offered to have a threesome with me and another guy but the guy was getting ready to leave. He was a younger guy, it was his first party, but he was actually pretty good looking. It could have been fun…damn. Oh well. I was glad that the Cohort at least was considering it. That could say good things about future parties, for me.

He said afterwards that he was a little concerned I hadn’t played. Mainly “concerned” because he’s still not sure how or if he is going to be able to handle it. He kind of wants to see how it goes down and how much it will or won’t bother him.

He said he really liked having me there with him, that he enjoyed the companionship more than anything else. If he’d been there by himself he’d have spent a lot more time alone. We spent a lot of time talking and making out, especially late at night. We slept in a room with several beds and other couples and people watched us fucking a couple of the times, so it wasn’t like I didn’t do ANYTHING.

We drank and talked and socialized with people and he commented later that he likes how friendly I am. He was a little concerned that people would automatically assume we are a “couple” because of how publicly affectionate we were but then said he really didn’t mind if people thought that. Some women expressed concern that I might be upset with him sleeping with them alone, but I wasn’t, same as the guys who wanted to double check before even trying with me.

I actually went out of my way to leave him alone for a little bit here and there so he COULD have a chance to be with other people. I wasn’t trying to spoil his fun or be monopolizing him the entire time. He still sought me out and wanted a lot of sex with me, so that made me feel good. I walked by him having sex with some of the other people and it really didn’t bug me in the least. I didn’t have any desire to join in or anything and once a husband beckoned me to come over but I shook my head no because I didn’t want to fuck HIM.

Not that the guys there were bad or anything. Actually a couple of the white guys might have been fuckable. I didn’t go there this time but no saying if I would or wouldn’t sometime in the future. It was nice to see some white guys who were not just sitting there being cuckholds and were actually getting it in at a party like this though. I think my viewpoint is a little tainted with seeing a lot of that lately.

The single black men that were there (this was an “interracial party”, in case that wasn’t clear) were not ones I was personally interested in fucking (I might have gone there with the young guy who left early, but the age thing does get to me) but they were fun to talk to. The Cohort was kind of surprised, and like, but so and so has a big dick. I’m like yeah, but I’m more about the person first and the dick second.

I’m trying not to fuck guys I’m not really feeling. I guess I’m probably even more like that when there is someone I really DO like there. Like, is it worth it when there is a chance it could upset him and I’m not really that into this guy? Nahhh… Now if Mr. Firm had showed up…I would have fucked him. He wasn’t able to come because he was coaching a kids game. Damn shame… 😉 Maybe next time. 🙂

Anyhow, I’m still a bit confused with the Cohort. I really, really do like him. I kind of wish he’d never opened that can of worms because it makes me feel like I am missing something. For now though, I’m just going to try and enjoy what we have going and not think too heavily about it.

Sampling the Continental Platter

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I’ve slept with 7 different guys in the past 2 weeks, though only one was brand new. That doesn’t even count the Married Man, who I haven’t had a chance to fuck lately,or the Host, who hit me up, but I’ve kind of avoided.

I’m starting to wonder if I should slow it down. Not that I mind all the sex, but part of me wonders if this is really okay, or if my sex sprees are unhealthy. Then again, maybe I’m just buying into society’s unfair standards for sexual behavior, especially when it comes to women.

Granted, there were a couple of sexual experiences in there that I didn’t really enjoy. Still I wouldn’t have known that for sure unless I tried them. For example, the Englishman.

I met this guy off the swinger site. He had attractive, professional looking pictures and said something about how he speaks 4 different languages. When he emailed I was already drowning in dick, but I was like this guy is kinda hot, why not?

So I responded, by text, while I was sitting in the shop waiting on my vehicle to be fixed. Then I promptly forgot about it. Mere minutes later, as I was driving, I recieved a call from an unknown number. The caller ID showed a suspicious looking, foreign sounding, name.

When I answered I wasn’t particularly friendly. I was thinking it was probably some Nigerian scam artist. I hadn’t realized from the guy’s pictures that he was not an American. He identified himself and said that he is from England. His accent seemed to prove that. He’d just moved here 7 months ago, supposedly to go to law school.

He was sort of abrupt and didn’t want to beat around the bush. He wanted to meet for sex and I hemmed and hawed for a minute because of his lack of manners or attempts to get to know me first. He said he found me attractive and didn’t I like his pictures and we should get together to fuck.

I commented, “but you haven’t even seen my face yet”. He didn’t think that mattered and just wanted to meet up. I found an excuse to get off the phone and ignored several of his other calls and texts, over the next few days, while I thought about it. I responded to some of them but he was seeming pushy and I don’t like that.

Okay, his pictures were attractive enough. He had a few validations on the site but mostly they just said he was the man in the pictures, or that they had met him at a party. Still, why not? What was holding me back? He was right, he was attractive enough to fuck on a physical level, and then you have the added excitement of someone new and different, from another country, and even with a kind of cool accent.

I decided to go ahead and give it a whirl, but I said I would need to meet him someplace in public first. He wasn’t real thrilled with that but said we could meet at a Starbucks near his house. I got an address from him and put it in the GPS on my phone.

I don’t know why it didn’t register that he probably wouldn’t have the exact street address for Starbucks but I was confused when my GPS took me to an apartment complex instead. Grrrr…. He met me in the parking lot.

I said I thought we were going to Starbucks first and he said oh yeah, we could. Did I want to follow him or could he just ride with me? I’m thinking, this motherfucker does not have a car and this is his little game to get me to give him a ride. So I said I’d rather follow him (to see what he would do). He said, come on, couldn’t I see he was a decent guy?

I begrudginly relented, after a bit of begging, and let him in my van. He didn’t even know where a Starbucks was, but said his roommate told him there was one close by. I put it in my GPS and the closest one was 8 minutes away. He tried to wheedle his way out of going but I wasn’t about to let him get away without at least a $3 drink, after all that.

He paid for our drinks, though I suspect he was less than thrilled about it, and we sat down at a table outside. According to him, he is 33, works as a personal trainer and does a little modeling on the side. When pressed about law school, he claimed he is studying to take the Bar exam online.

He was very proud of the pictures he has on the site and was like “now can you see that is really me?” I was wondering why I would even doubt that. I mean they look professional but what was the big deal? He said he is doing a shoot for GQ in 3 months, in New York, and has to spend a lot of time getting ready.

I mean, okay, I can believe that part, I guess. The pics he has on there do look a bit GQish. My former brother in law works as a personal trainer/model and is poor as hell on his own (though he has a rich boyfriend). He travels to New York for stuff like that too and is in magazines like Men’s Health.

Whatever. I mean I can see that he has features that some of those magazines would appreciate but I know guys I think are hotter that aren’t “models”. His conceit and incessant bragging were annoying too. He asked me if he was my “type,” obviously referring to his looks and I was like uh, I guess, though I don’t really know what your personality is like yet. He couldn’t understand and said I was gorgeous and clearly his type.

I asked about swinger parties he has been to and he claimed he never has. He said he doesn’t need those to get laid and all he has to do is walk into a bar and the women are all over him. He’d only signed up because of a friend telling him about it and wasn’t impressed. I guess he forgot there are people saying they met him at a party, ON his profile!

He claimed he’d just had a threesome a couple of days ago, with two women. They thought he was so hot that they had invited him back to their house. A likely story….

We finished our drinks and he suggested we go back to his place so I could give him a massage. Inwardly, I was rolling my eyes. EVERY single time a guy has suggested starting things off with a massage for HIM, he has turned out to suck in bed. I should have known, and I suspected, but I went along with it anyhow.

Why? I don’t know. I wasn’t that impressed with him. I guess it was because I was already there, he was decent enough looking and I was curious to see how an English guy was in bed? Maybe he would surprise me? Sorry, folks from the UK, but he didn’t represent, lol. You all may have to help him out here…

He had an average looking apartment, which he said he shared with a guy from Israel who wasn’t there at the moment. We went directly back to his room, where he put some music on his notepad and stripped down to his boxer briefs. He lay on the bed and told me it was all mine and I could come and get it.

God, he was so full of himself. Like he thought he was just supposed to lie there and display his dick and I would get all excited about it. Modeling, for me. Yippeeee…..

I had to push him to wear a condom, but he did. He asked if he had the biggest dick I’d ever seen. Uh, yeah, sure, lol. I mean he was bigger than average but nothing I’ve never experienced before.

It was over quickly and somewhere in there he called himself my “boy”. Ack! Afterwards, he wanted to cuddle and tell me that he was thinking about a serious relationship. HELP! I wanted to get out of there sooo badly, lol. He said he was developing feelings and falling for me, even though he wasn’t expecting that.

According to him the sex was incredible. I always wonder about that. Can it really be that great for one person and not the other? I have my doubts.

Come on dude. More like you want a green card. Or a sugar mama, at the very least. NOT gonna happen. WRONG woman, lol. The last thing I want is a “boy”.

I ignored his calls and texts after and thankfully there were only a couple. I was afraid he’d be the stalker type. Whew.

There are more stories to tell but I don’t have time at the moment. Bad sex with the Bodybuilder, who also wants something serious with me, as does the Poly guy (similar experience number two with him and his girlfriend), and the other guy, who I will call Mr. Shady, he claims to want to commit to me too, after he and his girlfriend break up, in a few months. Give me a break!

My commitment issues are going into overdrive. I don’t want ANYBODY tying me down right now!! Did I seriously write something about wanting “more” not too long ago? SMFH…. What was I thinking??

The guys that I am happiest with are mostly taken already. What’s sad is that is sort of a relief for me.

Well, other than the Cohort. When we are together he is making me laugh so hard my sides hurt too. I mean, I could see something more there and he has kind of hinted at it but he already knows what I am up to and is doing his own thing as well, so I don’t think I have to worry about being overly restricted there.

He’s like “you are like a guy when it comes to sex”. LOL I feel that way sometimes too. I don’t think I am masculine in most ways, but sometimes I wonder if my sex drive is abnormal. I’ve always felt like I wanted it just as much, or more than the guys I have been with.

I know there are other women out there in a similar boat, but they seem few and far between. Or maybe they are just covering it up better. I do hear some wild stories about swinger women.

I actually felt kind of prude the other day when a couple of different people were talking about tying me up and I didn’t feel comfortable. I’ve always kind of wanted to try that but I’m paranoid unless its someone I feel safe with and trust. Comparatively, it seems like a lot of these swinger women are doing all kinds of wild and crazy things all the time.

Seems like every time I hear about a swinger woman she’s tied up and having an anal gangbang with complete strangers, while they slap her in the face and call her a bitch. Mr. Firm says that’s just because I only hear the extreme stories and most women aren’t doing that. I guess he would know. 😉 The Cohort says if he ever meets a woman who wants an anal gangbang he is going to pick up the phone and call me right then and there, lol.

So maybe what I’m imagining in my head and comparing myself to, isn’t reality. I still haven’t been tied up or handcuffed, but maybe someday. The Cohort did have me wear a collar during sex the other day, lmao.

I came over and he had two wine glasses sitting on the coffee table for us, each one inside a studded leather collar. One said “slut” and the other said “bitch”. He said “pick one” and I was like oookayyy…I’ll take “slut,” I guess, lol. He said, “I knew it! Everyone picks that one”. “Everyone??” I asked. You have “everyone” that comes over here wear that?? He shook his head at me and said no, not “everyone” but a select few. Haha

I finally put it on though, along with the body stocking he had gotten me off Amazon, that looks like this (I picked it out-its crotchless with cute little bows up the back). He thought it looked hot and we had fun, but no tying up, yet…. 😉

The “trophy” swinger….

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Last night I went out to dinner with a guy I have met a few times at parties.  He was visiting a couple here in town and invited me out with them.  He promised no sex, which was fine, since I’d just had some earlier in the day with my Fuck Buddy. 😉

Anyhow, I am not sure about this guy.  He seems really nice but maybe not my type.  He’s decent enough looking, though a little chubbier than I usually go for.  He also has a “country” way about him that is typical of this region but no so much of black men, lol.  It’s interesting.

So he invited me out to eat and I was cool with that.  He paid for me and the couple took care of their own bill.  We had a couple of drinks and laughed and talked.  I felt like she may have been uncomfortable with my presence in the beginning but I tried to make her feel at ease.  It was a little weird coming to dinner with them knowing they had been fucking earlier in the day and he’d just decided to bring me along.

The male half of the couple was very quiet and I could barely get him to look my direction.  He wasn’t particularly attractive and maybe he was just shy or felt I was out of his league.  I’m not sure, he could have just been uninterested, but then so was I.  He really only spoke briefly about football to the guy I was with and at one point I saw him show him a couple pictures he had taken earlier with his cell phone of his wife sucking the guy’s dick.

The wife seemed to warm up and was friendly but I’m not sure how much of it was real and how much was that fake thing that females sometimes do.  She said something about how we should get together sometime so I asked for her number and sent a text at dinner but she didn’t respond.  I was unsure how he presented my visit to them, so that part was a little awkward. 

He invited me to come over and hang at their house and watch the football game today but I politely declined.  He said it wouldn’t involve playing unless maybe he and I wanted to and I said that might be a little uncomfortable at their house. He laughed and said yeah.  So I thought it was probably best to avoid going over there. It was actually the first time he has been to visit this couple and I didn’t want to rain on their parade too much.

Anyhow, he is having a house party in a couple of weeks.  He had mentioned it before and maybe sent me an email but it went in one ear and out the other.  Maybe because I’d gotten another email around that time inviting me to a “bareback orgy party” and that was shocking enough that I didn’t think about the rest, haha!  Who does that???  That is probably a little too risky even for me! It involved things like naked twister and spin the bottle and “no condoms allowed”.  Whew….

His party was private and he showed me the guest list on his phone.  I saw that Mr. Firm was signed up and also Mr. Motorcycle and both had confirmed they are coming. I said I knew Mr. Firm and he said he had met him and he is a really cool guy.  When I saw him before I had been with Mr. Motorcycle and he asked if things were okay there and I said not so much.  He later asked more about that situation and promised if I come he will make sure things are secure and he doesn’t cause drama.

When I told the guy I wasn’t sure if I will be able to make it or not due to gas money and stuff he said that would be no problem, he will send me money to cover that.  He wasn’t the least perturbed when I told him last time it cost me $60 in gas to go that way either. He also said I could stay at his place. I’m assuming I wouldn’t have to pay the cover charge either.

I later texted Mr. Firm about it. He definitely plans on going.  I told him Mr. Motorcycle was signed up and he knows the deal with that too.  He didn’t comment on that but said “If you decide to go, I will be sure to dance with you and probably fuck, lol.  But wouldn’t try to be all over you so you couldn’t meet or hook up with someone else.  I would also introduce you to others I know or meet”.  I said I would try and do the same.  See, I told you he is awesome!! 🙂 

So today the party host contacts me again and asks me some more questions about Mr. Motorcycle and why we are no longer talking.  I explained a few things like the couple’s profile he opened without my permission and that I felt he wanted more of a relationship than I wanted to give.  I said I felt kind of like I was being used as bait to get other women.

I tell him all this then guess what he proposes to me??  He says he wants me to be his “trophy” and help him host his parties.  Apparently the woman he had the couples profile with and who I have seen him with before wanted more of a relationship than he did and he just wanted the profile to have parties with.  Suddenly he sees me as someone who would not be this way and thinks I would make a great partner to help him in his endeavor.  I guess eventually he plans to make money off of all this and open an actual club but for now wants to party in his house.

I’m a little confused about what all this would entail but he has mainly told me that I would just smile and be friendly to people and look cute.  He says he loves my smile and thinks I would attract a lot of people to his parties.  Really?  After I’d just told him I felt “used” as bait by someone??  Haha.  I find it more amusing than offensive though.

What men often don’t seem to get, and what I feel, is that women are not always jumping at the bit when guys use me to lure them in.  I think some of them actually feel threatened by me.  I’m a single, unattached woman and I’m not always feeling the love from them until I make a point of letting them know I’m not in it for the competition aspect. 

The thing I’m not sure on is if he is trying to get me to have a couples profile with him.  I told him maybe we should wait until I’ve at least gone to a party or two before I commit to anything like that but he still seems to be wanting something.  He said he and I wouldn’t even necessarily have to play together.  What??  Does that mean he doesn’t want to?  So odd… He is wanting to call me and talk about it in a few minutes here when I leave the library. 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Meeting the Producer’s new girlfriend…

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In my last blog post I was pissed at the Producer and hurt and had no intention of continuing anything with him.  I finally calmed down a bit and thought, okay, maybe I can do this.  Maybe, if he is really wanting to continue seeing me, like he was saying he had insisted to the other woman, and would be willing to keep treating me the same way he has been, then it wouldn’t be so bad.  I mean, isn’t that what “open relationships” are supposed to be about?

He was, at this point, in Amsterdam, so still couldn’t talk to me until I unblocked him from Whatsapp.  I decided to do so and told him that maybe I had overreacted.  He was very happy.  He said that I meant a lot to him and he couldn’t just turn relationships off and on like a light switch, that he isn’t that kind of guy.  According to him he’d been telling this woman how hurt he was that I wouldn’t talk with him and that he felt like he was losing our friendship.

From there things moved very quickly.  He had said he would like to take me out and talk about things over dinner when he came back, and I thought we could do that.  Then he brought up a swinger party that was going on here in town this weekend.  It was Halloween themed and did sound like a lot of fun.  He thought that would be a great environment for me and the new woman to meet, saying he knew we’d really like each other. 

I was a little concerned that we wouldn’t have a chance to have our talk FIRST, before jumping into the whole party scene, but it did sound like a good time.  Plus it would be a more easygoing way to meet her.  I agreed, since he was overseas, to reserve the hotel room (he said he would pay and normally wouldn’t ask me, but since he was so far away, I didn’t put it on a credit card or anything) for the three of us.  I also notified the hosts of the party that I would be bringing two people and reassured them they would be cool.

Since it was a Halloween party and only a few days away, there was also the concern of figuring out costumes.  I have a really cute little French Maid getup that I was thinking of wearing.  I said maybe somehow the three of us could coordinate.  He asked her and she said she had a ton of costumes, that maybe she could let me wear one of them.  Before I knew it she was offering to come by and show them to me. 

I was a little surprised that she would be willing to drive so far just to do that, and said it wasn’t a big deal if we matched or not, but agreed to let him give her my number so we could figure something out.  She lives about an hour and a half away, closer to where he stays when he comes down here (he had decided recently not to get the apartment near me, even though he’d already put down a deposit, and now I think it’s pretty obvious why).  She seemed really eager to meet me immediately.  In fact, she drove down that night.

He had sent me a few pictures of her, body parts first.  I was like, can I see her face please?  LOL  Men, sheesh,  how can I tell anything about a person from random body parts?  From the pictures she looked cute, not super pretty but average.  She was in fairly good shape, though heavier than I am.

He had already told me she was super bi and into women and that she and her ex used to play sometimes with other men because he was bisexual.  I didn’t really feel like getting fixed up or anything to see her though, so I didn’t. She had commented that she was getting her hair done beforehand, but I didn’t want to seem over competitive and spent more time on housecleaning than anything because my kids had made a mess and spilled popcorn everywhere.  I also had to get them to their dads and had a big ordeal with my oldest son that made us run pretty late. 

When she got in town she texted to ask if I had eaten and I hadn’t so she offered to buy me some Taco Bell and if I wanted to meet her there first.  So I drove around the corner to Taco Bell.  There weren’t many people inside and I knew right away which one she was.  She had asked what I wanted over text and was just bringing it over to the table when I walked in.

In person she looked older than I expected.  I guessed her to be in her early to mid 40’s and she had a few wrinkle lines on her face.  She was skinnier than she looked in the pictures but still had a bit of a tummy on her.  Her accent was pure country and she said she was originally from Nashville.  She was dressed up in a fancy blouse and big earrings.  It looked like she was trying hard to impress.   

I was a little bewildered that the Producer would be so into this woman.  At first sight she seemed nothing like his type.  His ex wife was a gorgeous Brazillian woman with a perfect butt.  There is another girl he has played with occasionally in my town and she is 20 years old and blonde and really pretty.  The other women he has shown me that he talks to or plays with have all been more attractive than this one.  I mean, she was still cute, but like I said, closer to average than gorgeous. Turns out she is the same age as I am, I was kind of surprised.

I was having a hard time imagining myself playing with her.  Not due so much to her looks as her kind of uptight seeming attitude.  I can be reserved at times too but my personality is more laid back. Her body language was tight and reserved and a bit schoolmarmish.  I thanked her for the food and sat down to eat and talk. 

She started in with the questions and came across a bit like an interviewer, asking me about my education and seeming to look down on me a bit when I said I only had a Bachelor’s degree.  She works in an optometrist’s office.  Her three kids are teenagers and she and her daughter don’t get along so the daughter has moved in with her father and they hadn’t talked for 6 months until recently.  I wondered how a parent could go that long without so much as talking to their child, even in the worst of circumstances, but kept my mouth shut.  After all, I have a difficult teenager too and I talked about him.

I was listening and slowly forming my opinions, wondering how on earth she and the Producer could ever get together.  They seemed to me to have absolutely nothing in common.  She’d been married twice, both times to abusive men, and apparently things were kind of bad with her most recent boyfriend too.  They had dated almost two years and she showed me a picture of him.  He was a rough looking white guy, a biker, and it honestly seemed she still liked him a bit despite his supposed abusiveness.

We talked more after we got back to my house and she told me she has never been with a black guy before.  Her mother was in shock and told her not to tell her dad, who is very racist.  She said her mom was cool with it but she was going to wait on telling her father until she was sure things were going to get more serious.

She had brought along a huge suitcase full of costumes, most of them never worn.  She said she just sees things and likes to buy them sometimes.  There were also lots of high heels.  As we discussed what to wear I suggested maybe we could be Playboy bunnies and have the Producer wear a silk robe, like Hugh Hefner.  I didn’t know if he had anything like that though and she said “are you kidding me?  He probably has piles of silk robes”.  Um, what?  LOL  Why would he have that?  But I didn’t comment.  I’ve been shopping with him before at Walmart and he bought clothes there.  He’s not really flashy like that with his clothing, though of course he does have money.

She seemed nice but still a little condescending.  Like she acted sorry for me that the Producer was in a relationship with her and that I had been “just” a FWB that developed “feelings” for him.  She was clearly trying to put me in my “place”, which I didn’t like. 

Anyhow, we finally decided that some of her clothes could be put together, with a little altering, to make a French maid outfit but that we’d include bunny ears.  I didn’t really like most of the rest of her costumes, not my style and wouldn’t make me look hot.  We also took a picture of ourselves (fully clothed and sitting on my bed) to send to the Producer, though at that time we figured he was probably still fast asleep.

She left and I was a little depressed.  I couldn’t really figure out what he saw in her and why he would think she was better than me.  I also didn’t get the impression she was nearly as “bi” as he claimed.  He had said she was really into women, but she told me that she was “willing” to play a little at places like a party.  She said she wasn’t into feelings or anything with women (of course neither am I so I didn’t really care about that).

I didn’t really tell the Producer my thoughts about her.  Just said it left me a little sad, honestly, speaking with her and he said maybe we should call off the party because he didn’t want me to feel bad in any way. He said they both felt really bad that I had been hurt by things.  I said that’s okay, I was sure the party would be fun and I just needed a couple days to adjust.

The next day though, I found out something that completely changed my mind.  He made some comment about how she only wanted him to play with other women if she was there with him and I was like, wait, hold up, does that include me??  Because that changes the whole ballgame.  He didn’t answer for a long time and I was getting anxious.  I finally was like ?? well?? 

He finally admitted that she had told him her one request was that he never play with another woman without her present, including myself.  He said it was very important to her that they only play together as a couple and she had agreed to do the same for him.  He said he was going to respect her wishes.

Oh hell no.  I wasn’t going to have her tagging along every time we had sex.  That completely went against what he had said about the relationship between him and I being just the same as it always has been.  If I can’t have alone time with him I am not going to do this.  He said she was okay with us going out together still, for dinner or to a movie, but no sex. 

FUCK THAT!!  OMG!!  Did he seriously think that was going to be okay with me?  I’m suddenly not “allowed” to have sex with him on our own any more?  Um, no.  That settles my decision that this is just not going to happen.  I asked, is SHE okay with never playing with you unless I am there??  Of course he wasn’t answering so I said I was going to text her and ask.  He told me not to do that but I did it anyway.

She gave me a very condescending little “lecture” over text about how they have a “relationship” and I was only sex to him, so it was different.  She told me maybe I needed to “back off” because she didn’t want someone with feelings for him hanging around. Meanwhile he was telling me that he really does have feelings for me but he wanted to go along with her wishes since he was trying to do this.  He tried to hint that if we had a slipup it would be okay as long as he told her afterwards.  Yeah, whatever, I was done.  I said I spent 13 years married to a man who wouldn’t sleep with me and I am NOT okay with dates that don’t include sex or a babysitter and forced threesomes. 

He was upset with me.  He couldn’t see why I wasn’t okay with this little arrangement.  I said are you kidding me?  You want me to just accept this?  I’m suddenly supposed to be fine with being the third wheel all the time?  Um, no.  I need my one on one time to connect, especially because we’d been seeing each other before she ever came along.

I said I was done with the both of them and since we weren’t going to be seeing each other anymore I would tell him the things I’d been afraid to upset him with before.  I said a real friend should tell you the red flags they see anyhow and I know you’ll think I’m just being a hater but I am going to throw them out there anyhow and you can make your own decisions.  I said this is what I want to leave you with so save it and come back to it someday to see if I am right. He said okay, talk to me.

I told him:

  1. Her family is racist. She’s never dated a black man before.  She said her mom was in shock she is seeing you and told her not to tell her dad.  I know you had a relationship recently where the family’s racism drove you apart and this is something you are going to have to live with for a really long time if you all get serious.
  2. ALL of her exes have been “abusive”, which is a red flag that she may someday be saying that about YOU.  Even if you know you’d never be abusive you did have that one incident where you hit your ex wife that has been haunting you (his ex still brings this up) and this woman might be someone that is so used to abuse she even tries to provoke you to hit her.
  3. She seems like she is trying to isolate you.  She’s already gotten you to completely drop the other women you were seeing and is trying to kick me out of the picture.  A lot of times emotionally abusive people will try and isolate you.  It’s very possible that someone who has been involved with abusive men could be emotionally abusive herself.  She talks down to me already.
  4. She has you getting involved in all of HER activities, martial arts, her church, her social group.  What about YOUR interests, why isn’t she accompanying you to any of those?  It seems like she is trying to change you.  She actually spent time preaching at me while I was there, telling me I should be in church again and that she is “really spiritual” despite admitting that swinging parties go completely against her church’s doctrine. 
  5. She seems really controlling, placing all these demands on you right off the bat.  If she’s like this now, how do you think she is going to be in a couple of years?  A woman who has respect for you is going to follow YOUR lead, not boss you around.

 

  1. I don’t know if I am right about this but she still seems interested in her ex boyfriend, the one she saw for 20 months.  She talked about him a lot and even showed me his picture.

 

  1. Why doesn’t her teenage daughter want to live with her?  Why would she prefer the “abusive” dad?  Even if they have a lot of issues, why would she go 6 months without talking to her?  As a mom that really rubs me the wrong way.  My own mother would do stuff like that but she abandoned us in a lot of other ways too.

 

Then I mentioned the comment about him probably having a lot of robes and that she apparently has some frivolous spending habits with all that stuff she buys but never wears. I reminded him that his ex was a gold digger and he might want to watch out for that to happen again.

He thanked me for my insights and agreed that they were things he should look into and some were very true.  Then a little while later he hits me back saying how could I criticize her about her daughter when I have an out of control son.  I said hey, no one is trying to get serious about and marry me but if they were I would be up front about that.  He is right, my son has a lot of issues but he also knows I love him more than anything in the world and would choose to live with me over anyplace else.  Even if he didn’t I wouldn’t go 6 months without speaking to him.

 

Okay, so then I get a LIVID message from her that he has FORWARDED my entire message to her.  She said I was lying and twisting things to my benefit.  That nothing I said was remotely true. I said, um no, you weren’t meant to see that but I stand behind what I said, it was an opinion based on what I have observed.  I asked why he texted that to her and he said he just wanted to ask her if it was true. 

 

He then texts me to blame me for causing all this “drama”.  He said he can’t believe he is having to deal with this kind of drama from two women when he is all the way overseas and that it’s worse than his ex who is in her mid 20’s or this 20 year old girl.  He was like I thought I was dealing with grown women that could be mature about this.  I said, nope, you caused the drama by SENDING HER my opinion, did you really think she wouldn’t get pissed??  That’s your people, you can deal with the repercussions of that!

 

At that point he was heading off on the plane to come home to the U.S. so I wished him a safe journey and said maybe he’d find a seatmate that wanted to listen to his woman troubles and offer advice, lol.  When he got back though, shit hit the fan because he was still trying to say he really just wished we could all go to the party together and I would agree to have her with him when we had sex.  Never…..

 

It finally got to the point where I blocked him again.  He just seems so brainwashed by this woman already.  WHAT the hell did she do to him??  I don’t get it at all!!  How could he be so bowled over by someone like her??  She must have some serious skills in some area or another!!  Is it in the bedroom?  I know she doesn’t give better blowjobs than me because he was just telling me that I am a head and shoulders above all the rest as far as that is concerned. 

 

Maybe he likes her because she is such a hit to his ego.  37 years and has never been with a black man and now she’s sooooo in love with him!  I admit I probably didn’t flatter his ego enough.  I held back in that regard and didn’t want to come across as to overeager.

 

The only other thing I can think of is that she is some kind of a master manipulator.  During our last argument he threw in my face that they are going on a cruise together for “their” birthday.  Apparently their birthdays are the same week and he said this means they are meant for each other.  He really seems to believe that bullshit too.  It’s amazing.  My ex husband and I were 4 days apart, big fucking deal.  I was like, well, it sure beats roses that didn’t mean anything to you and he said “you are trying to guilt trip me but it’s not working”.  Um, okay.  He then said I was twisting everything about her.  Apparently she’s really pulling some puppet strings because, no, I was being real.

 

In any case, it’s crazy seeing him act like such a fool over someone he’s only known a few weeks. He’s been totally snowed. Who decides to get all serious THAT quickly?  Seems like a train wreck waiting to happen, but it’s no longer any of my concern.

P.S. No clue why WordPress decided to number my paragraphs after #5 both #1 again. Maybe they think those are extra important, lol. 😉

Stood up!!

stood-up

Sad to say this, but apparently the man I used to call the “love of my life” has now joined the ranks of the biggest losers.  He stood me up this weekend in a rather cruel way.  Makes me wonder if he felt some sort of need to get revenge for something I have done.  Only I can’t imagine what?  The only thing I seem to have failed at with him was not giving him enough attention the past several months.  Perhaps due to his narcissism this made him angry.  I really can’t say.

We hadn’t been talking much lately.  Now and again I’d get a random text from him saying he misses me, and I would respond in kind but we hadn’t planned any get togethers.  It’s been something like 9 months since we last had sex or saw one another. 

On my birthday he texted me.  It was sweet, he said he wished he were here to enjoy it with me.  A few days later I got another text.  This time he was inviting me to a concert.  He said a friend had given him their tickets because they couldn’t go and he had an extra one. 

I was thrilled because, unbeknownst to him I was going to be in his town anyway!  I was driving up to see family and had meant to text him and let him know but hadn’t done it yet.  So when I told him this and that my sister would likely be able to babysit he sounded excited that I’d said yes.  He emphasized that even if I wasn’t able to go to the concert with him he REALLY wanted to see me. 

The concert was for an old school singer whose music I love, and I know he does too.  It was an all white event and both of us were going to have to find something to wear.  Being that it was nearly Labor Day I figured I’d be able to find something on sale.  After telling me the details of where and what time it was and how we needed to dress, he disappeared.

That was the last I heard of him.  I assumed he was working.  He tends to be really slow responding to texts and constantly busy so I didn’t think much of it at first.  I texted him a few times, mostly thanking him, and letting him know how stoked I was that he had invited me to come along! 

Then I set off to find a dress.  I found a darling little white sundress on clearance sale for $15 at the mall and some really cute shoes (used but in fantastic condition and a normally expensive brand) for $9.  The dress didn’t require a bra, since it has a bit of one built in.  I was thankful for that, having nothing strapless and white to wear otherwise.  I got some white flower pins for my hair and a cute white bracelet and earrings.

white dress

white shoes

 

I texted to let him know I’d found some things, because he’d expressed that he needed to find white clothing as well.  No response, but I still wasn’t too worried.  The concert was the next evening so I only had one day to look and get ready to drive his way.  I even decided to swing by a tanning booth since I haven’t been in the sun much lately and I wanted my color to look good with the dress.  I decided on sparkly gold nail polish for both fingers and toes.

By the next morning, when I was getting ready to leave town with the kids, I still hadn’t heard from him.  By now I was getting a little worried but trying not to stress.  We’ve had big blow outs in the past because I’d over-reacted (or so he says) to him not responding to texts when he’s busy with working.  He always says that if he hasn’t responded then nothing has changed and that he is a man of his word and his feelings don’t change that quickly, so not to flip. 

We’ve worked a LOT on this kind of stuff in the past.  I mean, we were seeing each other and in an emotional relationship for 4 years.  Our affair lasted two years during the end of my marriage and carried on over two years after that before it started to dwindle.  He knows all too well that being stood up is a HUGE pet peeve of mine and that I tend to panic if I have any reason to believe plans are going to be changed at the last minute. 

That’s what is really fucked up about all this.  He knows me and knows my trigger points probably better than anyone on the planet.  He knows all too well about my abandonment issues, and over the years that I’ve really been trying hard to work on them.  So I finally texted that I was starting to feel anxious and stressed but that I was going to try not to worry and looked forward to hearing back from him soon. 

I let him know I was on my way to town and was looking forward to seeing him when I arrived, that I’d be at my sister’s house.  His cousin and my sister have a child together, so in that sense we are practically related and I’ve known him since we were kids.  I reasoned that everything was probably fine and was proud of myself for not going overboard or getting angry with him for his lack of response.  I was trying to remain calm.

All to no avail.  I arrived and showered and got ready for the concert but still no word from him.  I had an awful feeling in the pit of my stomach and just knew he wasn’t going to show.  I didn’t put on my new dress and I told my sister what was up.  She was like “yeah, if he hasn’t responded by NOW, he’s probably not coming”. 

Wow. Just wow.  I couldn’t believe he would do this.  My sister said yeah, but what do you expect from the men in that family anyway?  I had to acknowledge that there is some truth to that.  I dated one of his half- brothers long ago and he stood me up constantly.  I just wanted to believe he was better than that.  Sure enough, he never showed and I haven’t heard a peep out of him.

I guess he must have invited someone else instead but the least he could have done was make up some stupid lame excuse.  I’d rather hear one of those, and maybe even be lied to, than stood up like that.  It was cruel.  My sister said the same thing, and so did Mr. Firm when I told him.  The Producer said I shouldn’t be hanging around lame ass bustas like that, haha and I even told the Pilot (we’ve been texting back and forth a bit, but no plans to get together again or anything as of now).

The Producer says he will take me out and I can wear my new white dress. 😀 At least I know he will most likely follow through! For my birthday he took me out to an expensive steak house and for a couples massage and had bought me roses and a card as well. He went to a white linen party himself recently and bought white clothes for that too so we could even match, lol. Mr. Firm thought it was pretty fucked up too and said I should send HIM a pic of myself in the dress.

 

I commented to the Pilot “see why I am so sensitive about stuff like that?” and he said “I can understand that but I didn’t have you come all the way up here and change my mind”…which is true.  At least he gave me that much respect and in that sense his behavior is more forgivable.  Thank God I didn’t make a trip up there JUST for that or I would be pissed beyond belief.  I was coming up anyhow to get my hair done by my sis and hang out with the fam.  I’d also made tentative plans with Mr. Firm for the following day.

As it is though, I was mad enough to text him to never bother contacting me again.  I left it at that and said have fun at the concert.  What an ass.  I am so done with him and compared to the hot sex I ended up having with Mr. Firm the next day, he’s really not looking like he was ever much of a catch anyhow.

OMG.  Mr. Firm was beyond fabulous in bed.  He drove up at lunchtime (he’s 30 minutes away from my hometown) and got a cheap motel.  I’d just had my hair done and couldn’t get all the dye off my head but he was cool about that, lmao.  He said the same thing happens to him when he colors his goatee.  He must have gray hairs in it or something, lol.

WOW, did my time with him ever make me feel better!!  😀  I think he has surpassed even the Professor in the bedroom.  He’s almost up there with Mr. Married Man and is probably my second most favorite ever.  I loved every minute of it!!  We fucked twice and were in there for two hours.

He’d told me beforehand to come in the back door because the front desk staff was being nosy about his checking out a room during that time of day.  I’m pretty sure by the time I left there was absolutely nothing left to their imaginations as to what we’d been doing, lmao!  He even said he saw a shadow on the wall from someone standing in front of the door for quite some time while we were having sex, though it was gone by the time we’d finished. 

I was trying to be quiet but it was impossible, lmao, and he was like “just let it go”. 😉  Oh my God, he is good!!!  There is no doubt in my mind that he has had LOTS of practice, haha. 

He texted me afterwards. “That was great.  You fuck me just the way I like.  Amazing.”  He even commented a couple more times how freaking great it was and how he loves the way I fuck.  Apparently it was good for him too!  I have no idea why and it still baffles me that men say that when I don’t feel like I do anything special in bed, but I am thrilled that he likes it!!  Haha

Nothing like getting under one man to get over another.  Soooo glad I had someone to fall back on, because it really did help.  I’m ready to forget the guy I had the affair with and move on.  So much for that.  Unbelievable that he would stoop that low but unless he’s dead or something there really isn’t a good enough excuse.

 

 

Was I wrong?

Tonight I am questioning myself and the conclusions I jumped to regarding the Pilot.  Maybe I was wrong.  Maybe he really was telling the truth and I assumed the worst about him.  If so, then I was totally unfair. 

Yes, he did sign up for a party right after cancelling on me but his excuse, that I had blocked him or he wouldn’t have done it, may have been a valid one.  He may have reacted to my actions with anger and signed up to spite me.  Not very nice but then neither was deleting our profile we had just created.  That cost him money too. :/

We haven’t spoken but I’m debating apologizing to him.  Even if I was RIGHT then I probably shouldn’t have called him an asshole.  To be fair he didn’t react in kind. 

I’m not saying I’m okay with being cancelled on at the last minute, but it was a first time offense.  He’s never done anything else to piss me off before and actually seemed to like me quite a bit.  That may have changed now and I’m not expecting anything to go back the way it was but I’m thinking the right thing may be to apologize anyhow.

A couple things got me thinking in that direction and one was my date with the Producer last night.  He took me out to a bar that is run by some swingers here in town and we were chatting when the topic came up about what had happened with the Pilot.  Even though he was jealous of him before he was like you STILL haven’t forgiven him for that?  He said I was “harsh” and he wouldn’t want to be on my bad side, that he was going to try and avoid pissing me off, haha.

Then tonight, the Married Man texted me wanting to hook up.  His wife is out of town and if you all recall, the last time this happened he stood me up and I got pretty pissed at him.  Nevertheless, he’s too amazing in bed to stay mad at for long and I finally agreed to try and work with him on some last minute plans.  Okay, if I can forgive him repeatedly (because he’s pulled this crap several times), how can I be so angry with the Pilot for doing the same thing?

Well, guess what happened with Mr. Married Man?  He cancelled on me AGAIN!  Only this time I actually believe it was for a legit reason.  He got injured playing ball and cut his mouth open and said his tooth almost went through his lip.  He was texting me pics of it and asking what he could do to stop the bleeding.  It was actually kind of cute because he seemed to think I was going to know what to do and kept asking me questions.  What does he think I am, a nurse?  LMAO.  Fortunately I did know how to help because I have some very active boys and have spent far too much time in the ER. 

After things settled down a bit and he told me he was in so much pain he wanted to cry, he says he wouldn’t be able to go down on me if I came up and sent me a sad face.  He said he wanted to be able to satisfy my whole body and not just with his dick if I was going to travel all that way (he lives near the Pilot).  He was like “I am soo sorry”, and this time I feel like it was sincere.  I mean, sometimes people really do just feel “not up to” having sex and want to give you their best.  It’s possible that could really have been the case with the Pilot.

I know some of you all on my blog were questioning too.  I don’t know.  Maybe I should just suck it up and say I am sorry.  Of course from there he could still be really pissed or unforgiving but I guess the outcome isn’t really what matters.  My biggest concern with that is that he really WAS being an ass and then I am making a fool of myself or letting him take advantage of me, but if it ever happened again then I guess I would know.  Seriously considering it.  I feel bad for blowing up at him.

While I was mad at the Pilot, I spent a little time talking to the Professor.  He says he misses me.  He made some comment about me not believing him about things that made me wonder if I’m extra suspicious.  I know I’m not the most trusting person on earth.  I’ve been lied to way too many times. 

Anyhow, he sounds sad, and says he really hasn’t played much since he was with me.  He said only with some people he knew before and once at a party he went to but acted like none of it was that great.  According to him he’s only been with that married woman once this entire year, the time we got in an argument.  I told him a little about the Pilot and what happened because he knew about our couples profile and that I’d been to a party with someone.  He seemed a bit jealous that I have been going out and getting laid more than he says he has.

Then he was sending me pics of what he ate for dinner, lobster and some kind of avocado and tomato salad and telling me he was thinking of me when he made it. I do love my avocadoes and raw tomatoes, lol.  We haven’t talked a whole lot since.  He keeps saying he misses me but he’s not making any moves to get me back in bed. 

I talked with my fuck buddy recently for a bit and we even discussed the possibility of going to a party together.   Not sure if we will do that but looking forward to sex with him again, it’s been awhile. He has started bringing up anal though and I can’t say I’m all that excited about that.  It’s like seriously, the guy with the huge 9 inch, thick cock just HAS to be the one that wants to fuck me in the ass, lol.  I was like your dick is way too big for that kind of activity!   Of course he claims his ex- wife hated it at first but then got used to it and would ride him reverse cowgirl anal and he loved it.  Sigh….

Actually, lately, the person I’ve been seeing the most of is the Producer.  He’s been coming through here about twice a week.  I haven’t really been pushing the gold digging thing but he seems quite happy to offer things on his own.  He says he wants to take me to Vegas with him in the fall and then maybe on a cruise in the Bahamas.  Hey, I can handle that! 😉 

Each time we meet up he makes sure to take me out and do SOMETHING with me so that is fun. He says he doesn’t want it to be “just sex”.  He’s also talking about doing something special for my birthday next month, so we will see.

Once he brought up wanting a threesome with this woman he says he has slept with here before.  She is like 21 and blonde and he sent me pics and I’m wondering why the hell he always wants to see ME instead of her then when he is here, but whatever.  He keeps saying what incredible pussy I have.  I can’t help that. 😉  He’s like, “it’s just sooo SOFT and wet and hot and GOOD”.  He says he can’t believe I’ve had kids. Yeah…  well, what can I say?  LMAO  (Other than one of my kids was 9 ½ lbs with a big head and I had them all natural, guess it hasn’t damaged THAT area too badly anyway).

He’s still bent on becoming the “best sex ever” for me and wants me to rate his performance afterwards and tell him what a big dick he has all the time, but whatever, I guess I can oblige that, haha.  Shaking my head…. The sex isn’t bad.  It’s not off the charts spectacular but it’s still fun!! 

When we were at the bar last night we met a single woman that we struck up a conversation with and she and I exchanged numbers.  This is more likely a hangout thing than a sex thing, though she was having an issue with being in a fight with a current lover while her fuck buddy on the side cancelled for the night.  She seems like she might be fun though, so you never know. We were texting a bit back and forth last night but I was decidedly tipsy.  I also sent a drunk I miss you text to the Professor. He said he misses me too and sent a sad face.  :/  Dangit I’m just all kinds of confused right now.

 

Don’t look back…

bridgeonfire

Well, things have come to a final close with the Professor.  My hope is gone and I know it’s over.  He tried to act polite and maybe even lead me on a little with our most recent discussion, but I asked a male friend to look over our texting transcript and give me his honest opinion.

 Basically, he told me I was giving too much weight to the little scraps of hope and that the Prof was being a tad dishonest.  Like one time I asked him straight out if a comment he made meant he still liked me and he said “sure”.  I asked “sure? lol “ and he claimed his phone had changed his “yes” answer to “sure”.  Considering the possibility of that is about zero, yeah, he had to be full of shit.

Anyhow, the whole interaction left me feeling pretty awful, even though he purported to be having a hard time too.  His actions belied his words.  Without a man to interpret that for me I probably would have continued grasping at straws.  It was hard to accept reality, but it also took a huge weight off my shoulders. 

I’m finally done.  I don’t think there is any going back now, even if he changed his mind.  The respect I had for him has kinda gone out the window and I feel betrayed and hurt and don’t want to mess with it again.  I asked him to delete the videos he has of me and he said he would.  Then I told him to forget he ever met me.  He gave some lame reply about how he wouldn’t forget, which I didn’t respond to.  As far as I’m concerned he can fuck off.

I broke down and cried after the conversation, and again last night when my head hit the pillow, but it’s different.  I don’t want him back. I have no desire to check up on him, I just want to stay far, far away.  Only once do I remember having a breakup this painful and it hurt me for YEARS.  I can’t allow that to happen. 

My self -esteem has taken quite a blow but Lovergirl always hits the ground running.  I’ve got an interesting new prospect in the wings.  Actually, he is someone off the swinger site that has an uncanny resemblance to the Professor.  I almost ignored him because of that and the issues I’ve been having with him but decided not to let that affect my decision.

In an interesting twist of fate, he has also been validated on the site by the married woman that sees the Professor.  I’m not sure what that means exactly, as he has a LOT of very positive sounding references from the ladies.  I have no idea how well they might know each other but he does live up in her general direction. 

At first this kind of put me off, because I’d like to avoid dabbling in the Professor and this woman’s social circle for the time being, but at the same time, if I want to hook up with anyone off that site or at parties it is probably something I will have to face eventually.  SO, I’m like, fuck it, I’ll just do my thing and not worry about that.

I had sex once before, with a man who had been validated by the married lady.  She had great things to say about him online but he and I didn’t hit it off very well at all.  He drove 4 hours and got a hotel to come fuck me but it wasn’t the greatest experience.  I didn’t find him to be my “type” and he didn’t follow through on the promises he made for the bedroom.  Like he said he would give me a full body massage and go down on me.  Never happened.  The most exciting moment of the night was when the condom snapped off and got lost inside me for a minute.  I also can’t assume that just because we have the same taste in the Prof we’d be similar with other guys.  Still I’m sure there are going to be SOME overlaps in that area. 

Anyhow, let me tell you all about the new guy.  I’m kind of excited, but well, you’ve seen how that plays out for me sometimes. Don’t want to jump the gun here too much! Trying to keep in mind that it may be another let down, but it’s fun to imagine anyway.

The recent prospect lives a few hours away.  We haven’t met yet and due to circumstances it will be a couple of weeks before we do.  His car is in the shop because of a minor accident and I’m expecting my period to arrive next week (unless it’s 6 days late again!) In any case it seems like forever right now but we have been doing a lot of texting and I like his personality.

His rave reviews on the site are definitely a big factor in my interest, lmao.  A few women mentioned his expertise in using all of his tools properly and how he rocked their world.  Yeah, I can handle that ;).  His looks, well, at first I thought he looked a little too much like the Professor, but on closer observance I’d say he’s objectively better looking.  I don’t think most people would be all “damn he’s hot” when looking at a picture of the Prof but my emotions colored my response to him. 

So “hot” wasn’t my first thought but he is definitely do-able.  He has some kind of job that involves strategic planning at an Army headquarters and I guess he’s the boss.  He also flew a helicopter in Iraq and Afghanistan, which is pretty damn cool, so from now on I’ll probably refer to him as “the Pilot”.

He’s been in “the Lifestyle” for 4 years, and is 40 years old.  According to him, he would love to find a woman that would attend parties with him occasionally.  I’m not opposed to that, just need to watch out that I don’t end up in a similar situation as I did with the Professor, if we do hit it off.  I’ve asked him a few questions to try and see where his head is at and so far so good.  He tries not to get emotionally attached but loves the feeling of connection with the women he plays with. 

Sexually, we seem, so far, to be a really good match.  He likes to dominate, and our likes and dislikes appear to be similar.  He’s not particularly into anal, can take it or leave it (yay!) and loves to eat pussy (my kind of man!).  He asked me what my “limits” are and that question always throws me for a loop because you are never sure what kinds of activities they are imagining.  Apparently my answers were entertaining.  Like I said that I didn’t like anyone biting my nipples, no fisting, don’t slap me in the face or call me names and he laughed and said he wasn’t planning anything like that! 

He did admit to having fucked quite a few wives and having it videotaped and he said he doesn’t mind incidental contact with males but doesn’t want any intentional touching.  This led me to ask if he has tried DVP (double vaginal penetration).  I have no interest in it myself but am kind of morbidly curious since the Prof and another man have told me they have done so.  Sure enough, he says he has, twice, with one couple.  He said the woman really enjoyed it but it wasn’t particularly his thing or anything.  Gosh, this is more common than I would have thought, or else he and the Prof and the other dude are all talking about the same couple!  Ha!

He told me an interesting story about a swinger party he attended in a small town about an hour and a half away that has a population of like 2,000.  I guess they had a party there a couple of years ago that was specifically for white women who were into black men.  It was on a farm out in the middle of nowhere, and he says he fucked 7 women in a row and ended up breaking the couple’s bed.  Hmmm…  haha.  Well, at least we know he’s got some stamina.

In any case, he’s planning on driving here, getting a hotel for the night and taking me out to dinner and for drinks.  I’m looking forward to it.  In the meantime, he texts quite a lot and keeps telling me how interested in me he is, so I guess that’s good news.  Hopefully nothing gets ruined during our two week wait.

His pictures were nice but the first pic he sent of his cock I was thinking it didn’t look all that big.  Yet, he made a comment about how my pics made “all 8 ½ inches stand up” so maybe it’s an illusion.  Also I was thinking he needed a trim around the pubic area but maybe it was just the lighting and background because the next pic didn’t look bad.  Idk, I kinda like a bit of manscaping because it’s easier for me to do what I wanna do to him, but I’m not asking him to shave it all off or anything.  Actually, not saying a word, haha, but thinking.  Maybe it was the lighting effect of the supposed pubic fro that made his junk look shorter than he says. 

Wish me luck though, it seems so far that this one has some promise to develop into something fun and maybe more than just a one night stand.  In the meantime I have to figure out what I am going to do with myself this weekend!  I have been chatting back and forth a bit with a guy that says he takes Boudoir photos, but he is going to be gone too.  I know that sounds sketchy and I even met him through Craigslist, but he actually seems pretty professional and you sign forms and whatnot and get a cd of touched up images.  He’s trying to build a portfolio.   I would so love to have some pics like that of myself.

I don’t know, despite my insane amount of horniness lately (I haven’t had sex in 3 weeks!!) I may decide to take a little healing break and spend some time alone or shopping for cute clothes and lingerie or even a new vibrator, rather than go on a date this weekend.  Don’t count on it though, will see what happens next. 😉