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Another wipeout…

wipeout

Well, Radioman is gone. It looks like it’s pretty much time to wipe the slate clean and start all over again, with new men. Let me tell you a little bit about what happened.

Besides an occasional rendezvous with the CEO, Radioman has been the main man in my life for the past several months. I’ve been seeing him a couple times a week, and felt like the emotional bond was getting stronger. We were casual, but comfortable and seemingly happy. He was my mainstay and I really didn’t feel the need to spend much time with anyone else.

Actually, recently, he had started to express a little more jealousy. When I was out with a girlfriend, he asked me not to sleep with any other men. Yet, at the same time he was asking questions about a possible threesome with her or another woman. Typical. Still, he claimed he wasn’t sleeping with anyone else.

On top of that, we had gotten the radio station together with my company to do a little temporary project. It was fun and we were enjoying seeing each other at work. Or so it seemed….

I was really starting to wonder if maybe, just maybe, Radioman was someone I could see myself with long term. He had started bringing up topics like how he hates living alone and wanted a woman to come home to. He said he missed having someone cook for him and be there to talk to at the end of the day. He even asked me to come over and just be there with him, he said it didn’t have to be all about sex. He even invited me to come cook dinner at his house because my oven wasn’t working, he said just so he could smell the food, even if he wasn’t eating it, lol.

I still had reservations, in the back of my mind. I wondered, could I really be faithful to someone like Radioman? I know he would want that. From what I know of his ex wife, she got BORED. Also, he struggles financially with all the child support he pays, having 3 children with three different women. Then there is the gambling… Yet I thought, maybe. Maybe I am being too picky and can’t afford to be that way. I do really enjoy my time with him and I feel comfortable, if not in love. Maybe I should give it a chance.

All that was blown out of the water very quickly though. First, there was an incident at work where I had to leave early and he was apparently hitting on my co-worker. He added her on Facebook and since I was friends with both of them it popped up.

I was pretty upset. I was MORE upset that he was possibly damaging a relationship with my co-worker than I was worried about how it would affect me and him. I most definitely do not need competition over men at work. A big part of my job is being able to be in good spirits and having fun with the people I work with in order to make sales. I told him if he is pursuing her then we need to be done.

We got into it and he seemed sincerely apologetic. He swore up and down that it was all just friendly and business but she said she had felt uncomfortable with it too. He yelled at me for over an hour about how innocent he was and said that couldn’t I see from all this how much he CARED about me? He said he really only wanted ME and that was why he was here fighting for this relationship, almost like we were “married” (his words). He agreed to delete her and that it wouldn’t happen again.

I finally relented and forgave him and for the next week he seemed much more concerned about showing me he cared. He was going way out of his way to call, text, and invite me over. It was almost to the point of being annoying.

All seemed well, or so I thought. The following weekend it all disappeared. He showed up, at an event he knew I would be working, with a DATE.

He had been texting me repeatedly, throughout the day, asking questions. So he KNEW I was going to be there and knew what time. He even TOLD me he was coming and I said great, maybe I can come hang out with you for a little bit. He insisted that he wouldn’t want me to do that, since he knew I had to make sales. I was like, its really not a big deal I can leave for a while if I want to.

Thirty minutes before he arrived, he texted and told me that since he had extra tickets from the radio station, he was going to meet a friend and “her” kids. That made me feel weird and I wasn’t sure what to think. He and I have never done anything with my children. Still, I thought, okay, maybe I should chill out and its just platonic. He does have a lot of friends.

I saw him, and the woman and her daughter, so he came over and said hi. The woman was ugly, in my opinion, and she kind of hung back a bit. Finally, he introduced us and it all just felt really uncomfortable. I could tell the teenage daughter did not feel good about it. Something wasn’t right.

The longer I worked, while they were walking around doing whatever, the more my blood began to boil. I just couldn’t believe, out of all the places in the city he could have gone, that he brought another woman to the place he knew I was going to be, on what appeared to be a “date”. We hadn’t gone on a date since the first couple of times we were together, before having sex. It seemed very disrespectful and in my face.

I finally texted him later that night and asked him about it. He said I was tripping and that she was just a friend. So I went over to his Facebook page and saw that she had tagged him a couple of days prior, when he took her out to a restaurant for lunch! It happened to be a day that he had told me he was with a “client”. I was PISSED!

So I emailed her on Facebook, told her I was the woman she met and asked what their relationship was. She said they had been friends for a long time, but were on a date and that he was pursuing her hard for a relationship. They hadn’t had sex yet.

I questioned him again and he was still being evasive, until I told him I had talked to HER. She asked me to ask him if he wanted to date her to see what he would say. He wouldn’t answer for a very long time and then he finally asked her to be his girlfriend and told me that is what he had wanted all along.

OUCH. Ouch. Just ouch. 😦 I am glad I confronted it all head on though, rather than allow myself to continue to be disrespected. I blocked him on Facebook and put all his text messages to spam. I can see that he hasn’t tried to contact me anyway, but I feel better not being tempted to respond if he does.

I’m still a little bit shell shocked. It definitely hurt and I cried quite a bit over the abandonment of it all but I know I am going to be okay. I know, logically, that I had questions in my mind about him anyway and that he wasn’t the man for me, but I still felt attached. It had been almost 9 months since we started sleeping together.

It reminds me SO MUCH of what happened with the Producer, if any of you all remember THAT story. Sigh. Why do other women always get chosen over me? This woman wasn’t even physically attractive, that I could see. Her face was sort of worn and leathered, like that of a former drug addict or someone who has had a hard life.

I don’t understand. Maybe its because she was holding out on sex? He was already treating her better than he treated me, from the get go. He took her out to a nicer restaurant, and according to her, to the movies, AND he was taking her to a party at the radio station the next night. Not to mention the event I was working at.

Why? Why? Why? I feel so defeated, like giving up. Is something wrong with me?

A funny twist in it all- the very next night I got asked out on a double date by some guys that live out of town but were working here with me. After dinner, my phone died and I was in the heart of the city trying to figure out how to get home. So, I just started driving and looking for something familiar.

I ended up in the shopping district and got out at a gas station to ask directions. When I walked out of the door, I was standing smack dab in front of the Married Man that I haven’t seen in forever! He said I looked good and he wanted to start seeing me again. I probably would have that night if I hadn’t been on my period. 😉 Maybe again soon.

In the meantime, I’ve gone out on a couple of dates with different guys. I had sex with one. He is a professional boxer and personal trainer and is here from out of town for a tournament. He’s a nice looking guy and has a big dick but there really isn’t a whole lot else to say about him, lol. The sex was decent, but nothing out of this world.

I went out with someone else last night but he definitely wasn’t for me. I guess I just need to keep playing the numbers game and see what I come up with. Wish me luck!

Some Cohort Confusion

noteating_Large

Remember how I said things seemed to be heading towards more serious with the Cohort? Apparently he thought so too. In fact, he wanted to bring up a “discussion” about it. Sigh…

It was his idea to talk about this. He admitted that I had never given any real indication that I thought the relationship needed to go anywhere. He now says he regrets even bringing it up, that it was probably too soon and that he did so because HE was starting to feel emotions that made him think about me in that light.

Okay, but what he wanted to SAY was that he DOESN’T want the relationship to go anywhere. He said he’d been thinking about it and he just can’t handle it. He’s not ready to take on my kids or sure he could handle the whole swinger thing with someone he considered his “girl”.

He gave me some speech about how he thinks I am every bit WORTH all of that but he doesn’t think he can handle it. Then he said, who knows, he may change his mind later, he just didn’t want that expectation. THAT kind of pissed me off. I was like don’t do that to me. Don’t give me this talk about how you don’t want that then try to give me hope that things might change.

Anyhow, the whole discussion was REALLY upsetting. Mainly because I had never seriously allowed myself to even THINK like THAT. Not about him, not about anyone at all, since my divorce. I just assume most men are not going to want that kind of serious with me, due to the kids and general circumstances. Its a lot to take on. I don’t expect that at all, from anyone.

He brought all this up and made me think about things I don’t even allow myself to think about because I am too afraid to hope for it. It freaking CRUSHED me, to have him bring it up and dangle the thoughts in front of my face then turn around and be like, we can never have this because of the situation.

It’s not that I don’t understand. I do. I know all too well that it’s highly unlikely that most decent men would consider doing the family thing or anything close to marriage with me. I’m not saying this because I don’t think I am personally worth it, but because I have more than the average number of children and I know its a huge responsibility, both emotionally and financially, for anyone to consider.

Why did he bring this up?? He says it was because he’s been thinking about it a lot. That basically we’ve been behaving like we are already in a relationship, that he was seeing me as someone he could have a future with, because I’m like everything he wants in a woman, otherwise. Then he got to thinking about how we met (Craigslist! And the swinger site) and the whole swinger thing too and that kind of bothered him as well.

OUCH. 😦 The whole discussion just about killed me. I was crying over it for a couple of days. 😦 He said he felt really shitty even bringing it up because I’d never asked for or demanded anything of him relationship wise. He said he just wanted to be sure to remind us BOTH that its “just FWB”.

I felt like I was being rejected/dumped but he swears up and down that was not his intent. He says he would ideally like to keep everything we have the same. He still wants to hang out, have sex, go out to dinner or swingers parties, spend time together and have me help him with his business. All this, but without the expectation of “more”.

What’s funny is it’s not like I really EXPECTED that anyway. I would have been on cloud 9, yes, if he’d said he wanted that with me, but I’d never have dreamt of ASKING for it if he hadn’t said anything himself. Ugh. Just a bad thing to bring up, especially right before I started my period.

It made it even worse that he made a comment about how if he ever DID get into a serious relationship, it would be with someone like me. He said probably someone he just happened to meet, at a bar, on the swinger site, Craigslist or somewhere like that. I’m like nice, so now I have to worry about that happening at any time? Before I felt confident that he was really into me, but that kind of ripped it out from under my feet.

Emotionally I was a wreck. I was seriously considering having nothing to do with him again and decided not to go to this weekend long swinger party at the lake we had planned on. How could I in that state of mind? I’d suddenly feel threatened by other women and insecure, which would make it a bad experience for the both of us.

Actually, if he’d gone down by himself, at that point, I couldn’t have handled it either. I wouldn’t have been able to forgive him for making me feel like crap and then just walking away to go have fun and fuck other people, someplace we’d planned to go together, without making things right first. I would feel abandoned, whether or not it was reasonable.

I told him how I felt and that I wasn’t demanding he stay back or anything, he was free to do what he wants, but this is how it is affecting me. He said he would take that into consideration, and ultimately he decided to stay Friday night. He would probably go down to the lake Saturday, but he wanted to give us a chance to make up first.

We talked and decided we were both on the same page still and okay with doing everything we have been doing and no expectations. Feelings are fine and bound to be there but it doesn’t have to “go anywhere”. We’d still be free to act the same way. Both of us were relieved and done with the “relationship talk” for the time being.

Then he asked me out. We went to a jazz bar and had a good time, followed by dinner at a late night greasy hamburger joint. He spent the night at my house and we had lots of good sex and lots of laughs. He asked if I would still like to go to the swinger party with him and I agreed to come along. 🙂

The next morning we had more sex and showered and got ready to go. We went shopping together for alcohol and food and stuff for the trip, then headed that way. We had good talks on the way down but mostly avoided the whole relationship thing.

At the party we had a good time. There was no one there I particularly wanted to fuck, though there were some guys I definitely did NOT want to fuck. We had known that ahead of time and discussed some things about it, so it was all good.

He slept with three women at the party, once each, but spent a lot more time with me. I think we had sex about 5 or 6 times there, plus the few the night before and a few times after we came back home. He even said after the first woman he slept with that it made him want to be with me even more for some reason.

He was a little perturbed when a couple of men busted in on him having sex with a woman in order to ask if they could have permission to fuck ME. LOL They hadn’t even said anything to me at that point, but wanted to ask HIM first. Its amazing to me sometimes how much more respect guys will show towards another man in that situation, yet they will get all pushy with the woman when she’s alone. These same guys, once he said it was up to me, were hounding me a bit but I chose not to go there, even though they were trying to argue me into it while he was in the other room.

I just wasn’t feeling any of the men there that night, even though several asked. Him having sex with others mostly didn’t bother me at all. The only time I got mildly upset was when he made a comment about not knowing if he would have “anything left” for me at the end of the night. It rubbed me the wrong way for a minute and he didn’t like my reaction but we remedied that fairly quickly and he did have plenty left over, lol. :p

Oh and then Mr. Motorcycle happened to show up. Eeek! That was awkward. He came and tried to lay a guilt trip on me, saying he couldn’t fuck anyone there because he didn’t think they were as beautiful as I was. That really wasn’t even true as all of the women there were at least somewhat attractive and I’d say some were prettier than I am, definitely with better bodies. I’m less than perfect after having had kids. :p

So whatever. He didn’t stay long at all and maybe it did have something to do with me. He claimed he’s been pining over me since I stopped talking to him and I really hope that was bullshit. I hate hurting people’s feelings but he definitely was not a good guy for me, and he lied a lot.

There was one point where the Cohort offered to have a threesome with me and another guy but the guy was getting ready to leave. He was a younger guy, it was his first party, but he was actually pretty good looking. It could have been fun…damn. Oh well. I was glad that the Cohort at least was considering it. That could say good things about future parties, for me.

He said afterwards that he was a little concerned I hadn’t played. Mainly “concerned” because he’s still not sure how or if he is going to be able to handle it. He kind of wants to see how it goes down and how much it will or won’t bother him.

He said he really liked having me there with him, that he enjoyed the companionship more than anything else. If he’d been there by himself he’d have spent a lot more time alone. We spent a lot of time talking and making out, especially late at night. We slept in a room with several beds and other couples and people watched us fucking a couple of the times, so it wasn’t like I didn’t do ANYTHING.

We drank and talked and socialized with people and he commented later that he likes how friendly I am. He was a little concerned that people would automatically assume we are a “couple” because of how publicly affectionate we were but then said he really didn’t mind if people thought that. Some women expressed concern that I might be upset with him sleeping with them alone, but I wasn’t, same as the guys who wanted to double check before even trying with me.

I actually went out of my way to leave him alone for a little bit here and there so he COULD have a chance to be with other people. I wasn’t trying to spoil his fun or be monopolizing him the entire time. He still sought me out and wanted a lot of sex with me, so that made me feel good. I walked by him having sex with some of the other people and it really didn’t bug me in the least. I didn’t have any desire to join in or anything and once a husband beckoned me to come over but I shook my head no because I didn’t want to fuck HIM.

Not that the guys there were bad or anything. Actually a couple of the white guys might have been fuckable. I didn’t go there this time but no saying if I would or wouldn’t sometime in the future. It was nice to see some white guys who were not just sitting there being cuckholds and were actually getting it in at a party like this though. I think my viewpoint is a little tainted with seeing a lot of that lately.

The single black men that were there (this was an “interracial party”, in case that wasn’t clear) were not ones I was personally interested in fucking (I might have gone there with the young guy who left early, but the age thing does get to me) but they were fun to talk to. The Cohort was kind of surprised, and like, but so and so has a big dick. I’m like yeah, but I’m more about the person first and the dick second.

I’m trying not to fuck guys I’m not really feeling. I guess I’m probably even more like that when there is someone I really DO like there. Like, is it worth it when there is a chance it could upset him and I’m not really that into this guy? Nahhh… Now if Mr. Firm had showed up…I would have fucked him. He wasn’t able to come because he was coaching a kids game. Damn shame… 😉 Maybe next time. 🙂

Anyhow, I’m still a bit confused with the Cohort. I really, really do like him. I kind of wish he’d never opened that can of worms because it makes me feel like I am missing something. For now though, I’m just going to try and enjoy what we have going and not think too heavily about it.

Dancing, drama, and a quickie (party #2)

inthemoodforaquickie

On the way to the second party of the night, the Host warned me that the old guy and his wife, who have been at all of his other parties, would be there.  I was a little leery as to why he was telling me this and asked if they were spending the night.  He said no, and that he knew I didn’t like the older man.  In hindsight, I’m going to guess that this was his way of letting me know he wasn’t planning on giving me much attention.

He dropped me off at a table with these people, as soon as we arrived, and the redhead girl from the former parties, and then barely spoke to me until it was time to leave.  I tried to be friendly, but they were decidedly unwelcoming.  The old guy didn’t even look my direction and the redhead didn’t say much.  The other girl, well, later I heard her talking ABOUT me, and about how I was going to move up there, but she wasn’t saying anything directly TO me.

Wow.  Okay.  I felt like we were in junior high or something.  I’m pretty sure there was some jealousy involved because the one girl was making a point of talking loudly about her relationship to the Host and how he said she was special to him and that her husband knew and accepted all of this.  I mostly just ignored them and went off to do my thing, though I did see them looking at me a few times when I was dancing with different guys.  They stayed sitting at the table pretty much the entire time, with the redhead sometimes sitting on the old guy’s lap.

Rather than worry about feeling excluded, I just talked with the Mexican girls at the next table over, who were nice, and got up and walked around.  I was making my way to the restroom, when I slipped and almost fell on something wet on the floor.  The people whose table I was in front of stopped to talk with me a bit and tease me about my mishap.

This guy looked kind of like Don Knotts.  His wife was blonde and cute though.  They were with another couple and they all said they thought I was Mexican, because I was over there hanging with the Mexicans.  It wouldn’t be the first time people have thought that either, lol.

They asked who I had come there with and I pointed out the Host, who was off talking with people.  The Don Knotts looking guy said “oh, I heard he is the ‘exception to the rule'” (wink, wink).  I’m pretty sure he was referring to his endowment, and I was thinking, I can’t believe he just said that, but played dumb, like I had no clue what he meant.  Mr. Host may not be that well endowed, but he’s pretty damn good in bed.  I’m sure as hell not complaining! Honestly, he’s just as good, if not better, than a lot of guys that are more so.

Shortly after that, a man asked me to dance.  He was a tall, slightly older, black man with a streak of gray in his hair.  I would  guess him to be in his late 40’s.  He said this was his first time at one of these parties and claimed not to remember having made a profile on the swinger site.  I’m not sure how he got in otherwise, though. 

We danced to a couple songs, then he wanted to go check out some of the rooms at the club.  They have public and private rooms where people can have sex.  I’d been to this place before with Mr. Motorcycle, but it was a different club and they were charging for private rooms.  This one, they were free.

He pulled me into a private room and closed and locked the door.  We took off our clothes and fucked on the couch.  He wore a magnum condom that I don’t think he needed and it lasted about 30 seconds, before he came.  We got dressed and left the room, pretending like nothing had happened. He later asked me to dance again and was raving about the “great time” we had together.

A few minutes later, I was walking near that same room and a Mexican guy aggressively grabbed and started kissing me.  I was pulling away and the Host walks out of the nearby room that is set aside for smokers.  He walked up to me and took my arm, telling the guy I’d talk to him “later”.  He said to me “see, I am always watching you, always looking out for you, I don’t miss a thing”.  I was thinking yeah, except for the fact that I just fucked someone in that same room like 5 minutes ago, lol.

So I sit down for a minute at our table and am sipping on my drink when a tall, biracial guy walks by and pulls on my hair.  I ignored him so he walks back and pulls it again.  I’m kinda giving him a “leave me alone” look, and look back at my drink,so he goes up to the redhead and does the same thing.  She ignores him and looks away too.  Then he walks up behind the woman that is all into Mr. Host and grabs her ass. 

She flipped and told him to back off.  Her husband comes charging at the guy and a bunch of people have to hold him back.  Mr. Host gets in the middle of it all and starts trying to talk to the mixed man, while the security guys are running in.  Presumably, he was explaining that this was inappropriate.  The guy was yelling but I couldn’t hear what Mr. Host was saying. 

It took seemingly forever and lots of talking, between this guy, Mr. Host and the security guys but finally this man was asked to leave the party.  As he is heading out to the parking lot, his girlfriend flips out, something about him having her credit cards on him, and punches him in the face! 

Everyone is standing there waiting to see if he would hit her back, but he kept his arms down at his side, even though they were screaming at one another.  Finally, she got into her car and took off.  I don’t know what he did after that, but he wasn’t allowed back in the club.

Back at the table, this girl whose ass he grabbed is going on about how her husband had her back but COMPLAINING about Mr. Host not getting upset enough.  WTF?  I’m thinking, if anything, he was overreacting.  He was way involved in the situation and really all the guy did was grab her ass.  I’ve had that happen multiple times at swinger parties and never made a scene about it.  He shouldn’t have, but really, after she said something, he backed off. So it didn’t need to turn into a 5 alarm emergency.  She was clearly enjoying all the drama and attention directed at her.

I drifted away from all the drama and a 27 year old white guy asked me to dance.  He was telling me he had never been to a swinger party before but had decided to come here when he was moping about his ex and thinking that she was probably fucking other people.  He said the idea turned him on and somehow that led him to decide to try a swinger party tonight.  I wasn’t into this guy but was listening to his story and basically humoring him.  He was okay looking, I just wasn’t that attracted.

We sat at a table, drinking for a few minutes and then he said something about wanting to look around so we walked past some of the public sex rooms.  He invited me into one and I was hesitant.  Mr. Host was standing a few feet away, with his back to me, talking to people and I was kind of hoping he would see and help get me out of this situation, but he didn’t. 

I was holding back and the guy was like come on, we can just go sit in there and watch.  There were a few couples in there but they weren’t doing anything more than kissing.  I reluctantly walked in the room with him and sat on the couch.  He didn’t try anything at first and I was watching the porn on the big screen and noticing that there were several single guys standing outside the door, staring (they aren’t allowed to come in unless they are with a woman or couple).  It was a bit creepy.  They were like hungry vultures, looking at some prey, lol.

I was using their staring as my excuse not to engage with this guy when he started trying to kiss on my neck.  I would pull away from him but he just kept going for it.  I noticed he had a quarter sized hole in the crotch of his jeans and I was like WTF?  lol  He pulled me on his lap and was kissing my neck and rubbing my shoulders. I was feeling really uncomfortable and it was obvious because one of the Mexican guys, who was standing in the doorway, later told me I really looked like I didn’t want to be in there.  He questioned “you didn’t like that guy did you?” when we were dancing. 

I finally said something about how I needed to go talk to Mr. Host and got up and walked out of the room, leaving the poor guy behind.  Mr. Host was in another room, talking and goofing off with one of the club owner’s wives, so I didn’t actually talk to him but sat down at our table. 

Her husband came up to me.  He said he remembered me coming to his club with the Pilot.  I was like “oooh, you are good, you even remember who I was with” and he said yeah, the Pilot is one of his friends.  I’m pretty sure, at the time, the Pilot had been talking about arranging something with these people, but the guy actually seems kinda shy.

Anyhow, his wife, and a bunch of the Mexican girls, wanted me to come out and dance, so I did.  A lot of dancing after that, the Mexican folks were a bunch of party animals, lol.  I danced with the girls, danced with different guys, danced on the pole with a bunch of girls, danced on a pole by myself and finally sat down, exhausted, in my chair.  So this Mexican girl comes over and gives me a lap dance, and all these guys are watching. 

She was asking if I wanted to come to their after party later and I said I wasn’t sure, I was just going wherever Mr. Host was.  Some of the other Mexican folks went over and talked to him and came back saying he was “definitely” coming to party with them, so I would be too.  It was like 3 in the morning and I was honestly pretty tired and not feeling in the mood for that but I didn’t say so.

Finally, Mr. Host comes over and asks me do I want to go with the Mexicans or just come back to his house for some “alone time”.  I was going to say “alone time” but then he asked me if I had “gotten mine” yet.  I said “a little bit” and he was like “a little??” I’m pretty sure he thought since I’d been gone a long time (with that white guy) that I must have been fucking someone.  I was, of course, referring to the 30 second fuck I’d had earlier, lol.

So he says hold on a minute and goes over to talk to these biker people.  He came back and said I tell you what, we are going to take them back to the house for “a little fun” and then we can kick them out and it will just be you and me.

 I took one look at these people and said “I am not fucking any of those guys”.  The guys had long, Duck Dynasty beards and fucked up teeth.  They were definitely not my type.  Mr. Host said “oh, no, I would NEVER expect you to do that” and that now I am going to find out about his “bad side”.  He said they were just coming over to smoke a little weed. He again joked about me getting my “30 seconds” later (if only he knew…)

I’m like, okay whatever and one of the couples comes along and gets in his truck with us.  Ugh.  I guess they didn’t have their own vehicle with them and had been drinking.  So I know he’s going to have to take them back home or something later too.  Plus, the guy was just obnoxious.

Anyhow, I’ll tell you all more about it later. 😉  I actually ended up having some fun later in the night, but I promise you it wasn’t with the biker, lmao! 😉

Thankful for my Mr. Firm!! :D

the perfect man

I hope you all had as great of a Thanksgiving as I did!  I love being able to see my family on the holidays plus was extra thankful this time to get to see Mr. Firm!  He lives 30 minutes away from where I was visiting and we were able to make it work on a whim.  He drove up shortly before he was set to leave out of state himself and got a cheap motel. 

MMMmmmm….he is SO GOOD in bed!!  He’s right up there with the Professor, maybe even better, though without the same emotional component. Skill wise he may be the closest I’ve ever had to the married man, and since he’s apparently gone, I’m VERY thankful Mr. Firm is still around!! 

I don’t mean to imply the sex isn’t emotional, because it is, I just know where the boundaries lie and it stops outside the bedroom.  He’s got a regular relationship and seems very skilled at maintaining that while still being awesome with me.  I love it.  I wish every guy could be like that.  It would make the whole open relationship thing go a lot more smoothly.

Mr. Firm has been really cool.  He’s extremely low drama and unlike other men who say they “don’t do drama” he seems to really mean it, lol.  I asked if he’s ever had trouble with that in the lifestyle and he said once with a married woman who was crossing inappropriate boundaries but that he “shut that shit down real quick”.  He says that one of the reasons he likes sleeping with married women in the swinging lifestyle is that if they get out of hand he can just tell their husband’s to come and get them.  Haha…

Anyhow, he’s been doing this for years and I am really appreciating his wisdom and advice regarding some of my recent incidents with men.  He’s very good at detecting bullshit and pointing out inconsistencies in people’s stories.  I’m sure his working at a law firm helps with that!!  LOL  Plus he doesn’t get jealous and I feel like I can trust him to be real with me, rather than just try to elbow out the other guys.

If he wasn’t already in a relationship I think I would totally fall for him.  Yet he is, and because of his attitude towards that and towards me and because he doesn’t lead me on I can respect that.  We have amazing sex and he says I fuck him just the way he needs.  I was like ” I wish it could be more often, but I’ll take what I can get ” and he said him too, but that it makes him appreciate me even more. 🙂

I’m not sure I would have been able to get rid of Mr. Motorcycle without his support.  I told him all the stuff that had happened and he sat there and pointed out each obvious lie that Mr. Motorcycle tried to confuse me with and each way he had tried to manipulate me, from promising gifts to telling me that he’d spent the whole weekend trying to tell me he was “falling in love” with me when he was called out on his repeated disappearances.  Then he claimed he was manscaping “for the first time” in the hotel.  Mr. Firm said it doesn’t take that long to manscape anyhow and I found pictures he had sent me before we even met where he was totally shaven.  Eyeroll…

Basically what Mr. Firm did was put words to all those nagging feelings and red flags I had been seeing.  He voiced that he seemed like he was trying to control me and that he’d come across men like that before and it never ends well.  I knew he was right of course but on my own have a tendency to be too nice and wait it out until someone does something really awful before cutting them off.  He predicted the way he would act afterwards correctly but kept encouraging me not to fall for any of it.  He was like you are really NICE and I love that about you but some people will take advantage of that and really try to get you to bend (which I have found to be very true). So far I’ve been holding strong and believe me Mr. Motorcycle is still trying.  He even sent me some weird picture for Thanksgiving, that looks like two dragons kissing in the shape of a heart in the sky.  WTF?

Then when this situation came up with the Referee he was totally awesome.  I told him all the facts of what happened and he helped me pick it apart.  Even better was that I got an apology letter during the time he and I were talking, from the couple that the Referee had ditched me for.  I sent it to him and he pointed out several obvious lies and differences from what the Referee had told me.  I could see a lot of them for myself but it helps to have someone else letting you know you aren’t just being a bitch!

Here is the letter, supposedly written by the female half of the couple and sent to me on the swinger site via email:

hey there sexy girl I wanted to apologize for Saturday night for me cussing at you that was inappropriate and that is not like me to do that . I was irritated with my boyfriend for getting very drunk and I was the one having to drive home and a neighborhood and an area that I am not familiar with . we did not even know that (the Referee) was going to be in town until that afternoon we were out having drinks and he met up with us we didn’t even see him until about 5 o’clock that day we were unaware of any plans that he had to meet up with you . so he was not with us Friday night or at all saturday day . so I hope you accept my apology and hopefully we can see each other again sometime . :

 

It ended with a “kiss”.  At first reading I was even a tad skeptical.  I mean, how is this woman who I never met other than her cussing me out going to start out calling me “sexy girl”?  Even more telling though was “her” comment that they did not know the Referee would be in town until 5 pm.   That’s kind of hard to claim when I have texts from him at 10:30 am saying they had invited us to stay the night at their place. 

Not to mention little things like who spends 3 hours at dinner at a restaurant?  And the Referee told me that evening all he had eaten all day was “6 pieces of shrimp”.  That’s a long ass time to be sitting there not eating food.  As Mr. Firm pointed out, it wasn’t hard to find their way around the neighborhood either.  Three adults in the car, three gps’s on their phones, and they managed to get “lost” for over an hour after the party?  Give me a break!!  I live out of town and had absolutely no trouble.  This isn’t in a confusing neighborhood, it’s right off a main road.

Also, they bring up Friday night and early Saturday.  I never asked or implied that he was with them then.  The only reason I think they might think I would care is because he told me that morning he had told them I was his “girlfriend”.  No, I was simply pissed at being stood up outside the hotel.  I was lucky I even got into the room.

Also, the Referee claimed that he and the “husband” (who I guess was a boyfriend) were together at the restaurant and that the wife didn’t show up until later.  He said that she showed up at the last minute.  The Referee also said he had ridden with this couple in their car because he didn’t want to drive his vehicle if he had been drinking.  Yet I am supposed to believe he got in a car with people who had been drinking for 3 hours prior to going to the party? 

There were just so many other little details but I don’t have time to type it all out.  The library closes in 8 minutes and my laptop is sent away to be fixed again.  In any case, I am glad to be rid of the Referee.  He is so full of shit it’s not even funny.  He had the nerve to text me a Happy Thanksgiving too and I simply ignored it.

Mr. Firm and I think most likely what happened was that the Referee was trying to help out the boyfriend of this couple, or at least pretending to, by making him think he had a chance at sleeping with ME.  So that he could get to fuck both me and the female half of this couple in one night.

The sad part is, if he’d not been such an ass he probably quite easily could have.  He could have shown up at the hotel on time, taken me to the party as planned, and after a little drinking and socializing it is very likely the female half of the couple and I would BOTH have been likely to sleep with him there, or he could have even just slept with HER while I was off having fun and gone back to the hotel with me later as planned.  Seems like he went way out of his way to make things more complicated than they should have been. 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Another one bites the dust…

The men in my life are falling like dominoes.  If it weren’t for Mr. Firm, who has been supremely awesome, and my fuck buddy, I’d be high and dry.  In the past week I’ve decided to drop Mr. Motorcycle, the Married Man has taken me off his Facebook (so I’m guessing he is serious about this not wanting to fool around stuff) and as of now I am completely done with the Referee.

Getting rid of Mr. Motorcycle has proven to be a challenge.  He’s not wanting to go without a fight.  After the events of the last party, and after discussing it with a few different people, I decided it was for the best to just end things now, before things get worse.  There are just too many red flags with him and I have some serious suspicions about what went on behind my back at that hotel party with him.

Three different men, who had all been to that party before, listened to my retelling of the events with him and said the same exact thing, that they KNOW he was fucking people in the hotel rooms while I was sitting alone at the party.  Mr. Firm, the Pilot, and the Referee all said that is what happens there during the party and that even signing up all the black guys get invited to these BBC gang bangs that are going on.  They said if he was even gone 20 minutes he HAD to have been fucking someone.

Well, combined with the totally lame excuses he gave me for disappearing I would have to say they are right.  First off, he claimed he was in the hotel room manscaping “for the first time” and it made such a mess that he spent a lot of time cleaning up.  Not only does that not explain his multiple disappearances, but it is a flat out lie.  I have proof in the form of pictures he sent me before we even met of him naked, and completely shaved.  Not to mention there weren’t any dirty towels lying around or anything like that in the hotel room.  What the fuck ever. Who gets dressed up for a party then turns around and decides to manscape in the hotel anyhow?

Since I have told him I am done he has tried EVERYTHING to manipulate me into staying with him.  He said he spent the entire weekend trying to decide to tell me he is falling in love with me.  Then he said he already bought the kids and I Christmas presents and that they were all wrapped and he couldn’t take them back and wanted to bring them over to my house.  I told him not to waste his time.  I’ve had to be pretty harsh.  It’s hard, but I’ve managed to stay firm.  With his background and that “adult abuse without stalking” charge, he freaks me out anyway.  I don’t want to get too involved with a control freak.

I thought things were still awesome with the Referee, but found out differently this weekend.  He had made plans to come visit me but changed them because one of his daughters had won in a college basketball tournament and he wanted to stay for her game.  He said he would pay my gas to come up there and we could go to a party that evening.  Cool.  It was a house party and I was excited to check one of those out.

Before I came up he brought up a couple that he knows that was going to be there.  The woman half is someone he said he was in an “exclusive” relationship for some time with but that she was too jealous and he had to end it.  He said the husband had offered for us to stay at their house but I didn’t think that was a very good idea, considering her jealousy and all and me not knowing these people.  He claimed not to have taken the offer seriously anyway and that he was planning on paying for another night at the hotel. 

The party started at 7 o’clock and the hosts sent out an email asking people to try and arrive around then. I would have to do what I could to get there by then because it would take me about 2 1/2 hrs to get there.  The Referee said all was cool when I texted him I was leaving at 4:45.

So I arrive at the hotel, a Fairfield Marriot.  I call the Referee, no answer.  I text and he doesn’t text back.  He had sent me a copy of the confirmation number before I came up, because it had the address of the hotel.  So I went in and got the room number.  Knocked on the door and there was no answer.  I finally went downstairs and got the people at the front desk to give me a key.  When I got into the room there was no one inside.  There were no suitcases or anything lying around.  The only sign anyone had been there were a couple of wrappers in the trash can.  Supposedly he had stayed there the night before.

I’m puzzled because I had tried calling and texting several more times to no avail.  I decide to just start getting ready for the party, change my clothes and touch up.  By now it is after 8:00 and still no sign of the Referee.  I wonder if I am getting stood up?  So I text the host of the party and ask if by chance he had arrived there, thinking maybe he’d gone to check out the party and was planning to come back.  Nope.  They haven’t seen him but tell me to come on by on my own!

Finally my phone rings and it is the Referee.  He says he went to dinner with that couple “right around the corner” that he had talked about and that he had “left his phone charging in the car” because it was dead.  Give me a fucking break!  Who leaves their car running for an hour and a half with a phone charging in it when they know someone is supposed to be arriving in town?? Supposedly he was on his way back. I was pissed and hung up on him.  I finished getting ready and debated on what to do. 

It was a pretty long time and he still hadn’t shown up, so I decided to gather my bags up and leave.  Just as I am heading out the door he is coming in.  He was like “wait! where are you going?” and trying to talk to me but I just brushed past.  He left his suitcase in the hall and chased after me down to my vehicle, begging me to just wait and go to the party with him.  I told him I am going to the party by myself and he said he wasn’t going to go if I wouldn’t talk to him.  I said I hoped he had fun fucking that woman (which of course he denied) and got in my van. 

After I drove off he called me and said if I wasn’t going to talk to him fine, he would leave and I could keep the hotel room.  I said great, you can stay with your friends.  He said he wasn’t going to do that and kept trying to talk to me. He was like “really?  You are that pissed off about me going to dinner with someone?” and I pointed out that he’d shown up an hour and a half late and just left me hanging, no matter what the hell he was doing.  He knew I was coming to the hotel and supposed to be there a little after 7. 

I got to the party a little after 9. I got in free since I was alone and female. There weren’t a ton of people there yet but the host guy liked me and was showing me around.  He even announced my arrival at the party to groups of people like I was some sort of celebrity, lol.  A single woman there all by myself I might as well have been.  A few different men came up to talk to me at various times.

When I got a minute to head back over to check my phone (which was in my coat by the door) there were texts from the Referee.  He was like “seriously?”.  A little while later he showed up at the party, WITH that couple.  I was chatting with a good-looking, biracial, 24 year old, body builder when he walked in and he didn’t say anything to me but walked into the kitchen with his little friends.

Of course, I’d had to explain to several people why I was there all by myself, and from so far away.  Repeatedly, people said what a dick he is for doing that to you!  He’s losing out!!  He motioned at me once from the kitchen and I discretely flipped him off.

I walked past him at one point and the male half of the couple tried to stop me.  I said (loud enough for the people in the vicinity to hear) to the guy who was with me “this is that couple he stood me up for” and the woman started getting pissy.  I ignored her and walked downstairs.

A while later the body building guy invited me back into a private room.  We went in with the intent to play.  However, he couldn’t get it up, so it was kind of a fail.  I sucked on his floppy little dick to no avail.  He said it was his first party and he was kind of nervous.  He didn’t know why it wasn’t cooperating.  I said that was okay and we eventually headed back out to join the party.

Later on, I ended up in that room again.  This time I was spread eagle on the bed while a woman was using a Hitachi magic wand on me and licking my pussy.  Another woman and man were sucking on my nipples and another guy fingered me.  I also went down on a redheaded girl that was next to me while the wand was being used on her. I had kissed and made out with a couple of different women at the party, one who I had met and made out with when I was with Mr. Motorcycle before. 

The door was supposed to stay closed and “private” when there were people in there but someone let in the Referee.  He came over and tried to play with me too and I put my hand over my pussy to deny him access.  He kept pushing and pulled me away from the people and rather than cause a big scene I finally let him.  He’s the only guy I actually fucked there.

Afterwards, I was ignoring him again.  He and that couple walked past me and I was standing there with the body builder.  I said, that’s the one that ditched me and those are the people and she turned around and started screaming.  She started screaming at me that she hadn’t even fucked him and yelling at the top of her lungs.  I didn’t respond and they walked out the door, together. 

The body builder guy was like “damn, you didn’t even say two words to her and she started flipping out”.  I pointed out that the Referee hadn’t even bothered to stand up for me and just LEFT with this woman.  Nice.  The other people at the party were like damn, what is her problem?  Wow.  At some point earlier another woman had come up to me and said that I was right, that the Referee was really an asshole.  She didn’t say why, but apparently he had pissed her off somehow.

I stayed and talked for a little while but decided to go back to the hotel alone.  The body builder offered to come with me and I said probably not tonight.  I was hoping the Referee would have gone home with those people and I wouldn’t have to see him.  I’d only had two mixed drinks but I didn’t feel like driving all the way home late at night. 

I got back to the room and no one was there so I bolted the door and got ready for bed.  Unfortunately, about half an hour later the Referee showed up.  Long story short he tried every trick in the book, even telling me he “loves” me to get me to forgive him.  Then he started demanding that I owed him sex since he payed for the room for us to be in together.  He only pays like $35 for a room because he gets a special discount but it was a very nice suite.  Still, I told him that I don’t “owe” him anything and that I was totally turned off due to his behavior.

He argued and pushed and argued and pushed, all night long.  At 4 am he still wouldn’t go to sleep even though I’d asked him to just leave me alone.  He said he couldn’t sleep without an orgasm and that he couldn’t get himself off.  Every time he touched me I told him to back off. 

He finally climbed on top of my legs while I was lying on my stomach, and wouldn’t get off.  He said he knew I was horny because I was so wet and I told him not for him.  He started jacking off and trying to rub his cock between my thighs, swearing that was all he was going to do.

He wouldn’t get off me. He finally pretended to “fall” and push it in between my legs, under my panties. Please. Give me a fucking break. I told him to quit and get off me. He did but repeated a similar process again. He begged and pleaded and begged me to fuck him. He tried to say he treats me sooo well and I will never find another man who is so good to me.

At one point he claimed he would call this woman and stand up for me now. I told him to do it. He then said he only had her husband’s number. I said then call him and ask for hers and he said no one does that (eyeroll). He said he is getting out of the lifestyle now and it is all my fault, that he is in love with me and he can’t deal with this kind of stuff. He was so full of shit.

I ended up begrudgingly fucking him, twice, just to get him to leave me alone so I could sleep. No, I really didn’t want to and I flat out told him that. I didn’t cum or anything like that and barely acknowledged him. Then the next morning he tried to say he thought since we had “made love” everything was better. What a freaking joke. I am so, so, so, done. I was so glad to get out of there and never want to see him again. He kept telling me how I am going to miss him and be so sad. Give me a fucking break!!

Pissed at the Producer

Well folks, it looks like things have come to a halt with the Producer.  I was flaming mad for a few days and have finally calmed down a little bit.  Spending the night with my fuck buddy last night seemed to help a lot.  Gosh, I’d almost forgotten what a huge dick he has, lol.  It’s super thick, on top of being 9 inches long.  The Producer is always bragging about how thick HIS cock is (and it is) but after being with my fuck buddy again, well, it seems like it’s twice as wide. 

Anyhow, we had a great night, with a few rounds of sex and cuddling up to watch a movie, naked on his couch. As predicted, he went raw with me for the first time.  I don’t doubt that seeing that pic of me and the Producer, that he had gotten mad about because he wasn’t wearing a condom, had something to do with it.  He still wore a condom for the first couple rounds but one broke and we ran out of Magnums and tried to use another one on him that I had but it was tight.  He’s normally a real stickler about condoms, but we decided it would be okay for him to just pull out.  We slept all snuggled up and had more great sex in the morning before I left.  That’s also the first time, in almost a year and a half of seeing each other, that we have spent a full night together.

So back to the Producer.  Remember how great things were going with us?  At least that’s what I thought.  He had kept saying how sprung he was with me, was texting me frequently, calling “just to hear my voice”, seeing me twice a week when he came through, kept talking about how he wanted to take me to Vegas and go to parties that are a few months down the road, bought me roses and took me out on my Birthday, was saying how I give the best head he’s ever had in his life and what wonderful sex we have, and had recently met a couple of my kids.  He even bought us go-cart tickets that were like $250 worth of rides.  I was really feeling confident that he was “into” me.

I had gotten sick for a couple of weeks but he was still calling and texting and all seemed well when he took off overseas.  He had been in touch ever since, on Whatsapp, sexting and telling me about his trip. 

So imagine my surprise when he suddenly, out of the blue, messages me on there to drop the bomb.  He’s found a new woman, that he met on Match.com two weeks ago and they are developing “feelings” for each other.  He doesn’t want to drop me however, but to “include” me with the two of them, because “isn’t this crazy” she is bi and believes in an open relationship.

Um, excuse me?  WHAT THE FUCK?!  I was totally blindsided!! I’ve been seeing him for months and I’M the one that needs to be “included” like a little side piece?  Because he is developing feelings that apparently he never had for me?  WOW!!

I was FLOORED!!  OUCH! 😦 😦 😦  He approached it like it was some important thing he had to tell me and was like “I understand if you never want to talk to me again”. I said “so I got sick and you found someone else and now you want me to settle with second place….yeah, fuck off”.  He said okay and a few hours later sent me some bullshit poem about a “Ride or Die Chick”. I told him “go fuck yourself” and he laughed then said okay he would consider himself deleted. 

He said I was being hostile and that he had always treated me with respect and never treated me second class and that he had told this woman all about me.  He said he really talked me up and that he told her how much respect he had for me and my kids and that he had to include me in his life.  He added that we had always “gone beyond the friends situation” and that he wanted to continue to do so.

I told him there was nothing respectful about asking me to take a backseat because he fell in love with someone and to please never contact me again.  He started getting mad and said I was acting like a bitch.  He commented that I have all these men “on the side” so what am I talking about?  I was like “whatever, I never asked you to take a backseat to anyone, I don’t treat people that way.  I’ve also never called you out of your name.  I’m done, goodbye and good riddance”. 

He responded by telling me it was my fucking loss, that I am wack and left a voice message again saying I was acting like a bitch and telling me to fuck off.  Then he blocked (and later unblocked) me on Whatsapp.  I decided to block him after that and haven’t talked with him since.

My blood was boiling for a few days there.  I mean, he has some fucking NERVE trying to get me to hang around for scraps after he has decided he prefers someone else.  Add that I had told him a little bit about what happened with the married woman and the Professor and it was just adding insult to injury.  Unbelievable.

There is no way in HELL I want to put myself in a position where I am having to compete with another woman like that again.  I didn’t sign up to be the jumpoff.  They can both go jump off a fucking cliff!! 

After calming down a little bit, I can see that if he’d approached me differently I might not have been so upset, but it’s still not a position I want to be in.  Clearly he was envisioning bi threesomes and all kinds of fun, but um, I’ve TOLD him my big fear about threesomes with another woman is being left out.  How the heck would I feel being the unloved one in the group.  NO THANKS! 😦

What’s crazy is the day before he was going on about how I give the best head he’s ever had in his life and asking me to rate his sexual performance.  He said he wanted to be my number 1 and how close was he? “Be honest”. I finally said “you’re in the top ten” and he wasn’t satisfied with that.  So I was like well, probably the top 5.  (Reasoning that the Married man, then Mr Firm, then the Professor, followed by a tie between the Pilot and the Fuck Buddy might get him there).  He still wasn’t liking it and I said that wasn’t fair because I don’t ask him to rate me.  So he claimed I am his #1 head giver and #3 otherwise.  I was like “only #3?” and he said that was because there was a 3 way tie and if he ranked alphabetically.  Yeah, whatever…. but I think it’s kind of fucked up that if he likes the sex that much he would try and fuck it up by announcing that he was in love with some bitch he has known for all of TWO WEEKS???  How do you fall “in love” that fast anyway? 

I don’t know but I am kind of in an emotional mess over it.  It seems like the minute I dropped my guard and started to let him in, he turned on me!  That seems to happen far too frequently with men. 😦  Makes me think none of them are trustworthy at all.  It’s like the minute you start to let them know you actually like them they decide it’s time to stick a knife in your back.  Fuck him!  Or rather not, I don’t know that I could ever go there again, I feel so disrespected. He wants to make ME the secondary?  Really?  To some woman he just met??  Isn’t that backwards????  Shouldn’t he be putting ME first? What’s messed up is I thought I was doing everything right, never causing drama, giving great blowjobs, trying to keep it all positive and my reward is getting knocked to the side….nice. 

I am so fucking offended it is hard to get over it.  Thank God for my Fuck Buddy or I think I’d hate all men right now.  He is my lifesaver. 🙂

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Sigh….

radar

So the Producer is texting me now, worried about whether or not I am fucking anyone else.  He’s not really been asking me that until now.  What does he have some sonar radar?  LOL  I’ve not acted suspicious in any way.  Plus, we are supposed to be just FWB, his idea.  He once claimed to have slept with some woman at a swinger bar since I met him. 

 

Anyhow, here’s how the texts went (totally out of the blue):

 

Him: So have you been holding out for me… Or has someone else hit it?  LOL

Me: Do you really wanna know?  Lol  Someone has hit it once since I met you.  How about you?

Him:  Since we last saw each other

Me:  Is that what you are asking or telling me?  Why do you want to know?

Him:  Asking…just curious

Me: Yeah

Him:  What makes you want to keep fucking me?  What separates the two situations?

Me:  Why wouldn’t I?  I just met this guy.  He is a swinger, lives in ****** and is in a long term open relationship with the mother of his child.  He just happened to be coming through.

Me:  I like you, the time spent together, the sex.   Has nothing to do with anyone else.

Him:  I gotcha…. was it good…lol?

Me:  Lol…It was fun enough.

Him:  I need to Men in Black ya… so you forget about his dick and the experience…Lol

Me:  Hahaha…what is “Men in Black” me? LMAO Never seen the movie….

Him:  Make you look into the baton and zap your memory.

Me:  Lol, I wouldn’t mind seeing your baton 😉 😉 😉

Him:  You sure..I’m not doing a good enough job keeping that pussy occupied

 

Sigh….  ugh…  Are men really even capable of doing the fwb/do what you want/open/swinger thing without jealousy and possessiveness creeping in?  Sometimes I have my doubts.  What’s funny is he never answered whether or not HE has been doing anything!!  He IS in another state and has been in a few over the past week or so and went to at least one pool party and said today he’d had “fun”.  Somehow I have the feeling there is a double standard in effect here. 

 

UPDATE: Suspicion confirmed….

I pressed him about whether or not HE had been with anyone and after a long time he finally answered.

“Yes ma’am. In *****. An executive from the ***** industry. It was a one time situation… Something both of us wanted to get out our system. And never crossed that line before but were at the pool party together and just hooked up afterwards… Lust”

I was like “see, and it wasn’t anything I did wrong. You just wanted to ;)”

He said that he never said he did….um, okay, hahaha