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Talk about a messed up week…..

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In my zeal to complete the Shine On Award I completely forgot to mention another disturbing thing that happened this past week.  This time it involves a different man, my ex-husband.  I’ll admit it totally threw me off guard and was more than a little emotionally upsetting.

I received a text, one night, at midnight, as I was sitting at my computer.  It was from my ex-husband’s number, asking “do you still think of me sometimes?”  What. The. Fuck.????!!   I was flabbergasted!  It didn’t sound at all like something he would say.

So I wasn’t sure what to think.  It crossed my mind that perhaps it wasn’t him writing the message, but his girlfriend.  She is super jealous and seems to think I’m still interested in him, which is preposterous, but I guess she has no way of knowing better.  She also seems to take the fact that I am single as a personal threat, as though that indicates I’m still pining over him.  If only she knew, but she doesn’t.

It wouldn’t be the first time she had messaged me using his phone, without saying who she actually was and causing confusion. She had also sent messages before from her own number, using underhanded little jabs regarding my singledom and supposed inability to get a man.  And this, this just didn’t make sense coming from my ex-husband.

So my immediate response was “is this a joke?”  The person on the other end said “No, why?”  I started to doubt my first impression, what if it really was him?  What if he was actually asking me this question?  Was he having any kind of regret over our failed marriage?  I was so confused.

I responded “I just can’t imagine why you would ask me that”.  The return text said “Idk either”.  Now I felt kind of bad.  What if I was hurting his feelings with my abruptness? 

In any case, who never thinks of someone they were married to for almost half their life?  Sure he crosses my mind, though it is usually with remembrances of the more hurtful things he said and did.  I try to block out the better times because it comes with the painful recognition of failure at something I wanted so badly to work out, for us and for our children.

I didn’t know what to say.  Who was I actually talking to?  How could I be honest without leading him on if he were actually having thoughts of reconciliation?  I finally responded “I mean, I was married to you for 13 years and we were together 15.  Of course you cross my mind but not in a wanting to get back together ever sort of way.”

I hoped that answer would be sufficient.  For him, for his girlfriend, whoever might be reading.  I didn’t get a response until late the next morning.  In the meantime I lay down to sleep in a jumble of confusing, conflicting and bewildering thoughts.  I remembered things like the Valentine’s day gift he brought me after the divorce and how shocked I’d been that the person who’d hardly ever thought of me during our marriage managed to do so after.  I had simply thanked him and left it at that, but it was fucking with me.

The next morning the text I got from him said that he wasn’t texting me the night before, that his girlfriend had too much to drink and he wasn’t sure what all she said to me.  I commented that yeah, it didn’t sound like something he would say.  Still now, I guess I’ll never know, was it really her being a manipulative bitch or was it him and he used that excuse to cover up what he’d actually been thinking?

In either case it really fucked with my head, being in the emotional state I’ve been in already.  Kind of emotionally cruel but I guess he was passive aggressively like that during the marriage too. 

His girlfriend, on the other hand, just has this obsession with thinking I want him back so most likely it WAS her but it’s ridiculous.  I mean, she really seems to see me as a threat and I’ve no interest in him whatsoever, despite having had children together and trying to make our marriage work for years and years.  It didn’t.  I’m done. 

She invited me once to a BBQ at her house, last summer.  Not knowing that I see men on my own I think she thought she’d try and hook me up with someone.  My kids were there, and my ex-husband, as well as her mother and grandmother and daughters and cousins. 

His girlfriend and all her family are black.  I and my ex- husband and kids are white. They invited one other white guy to the BBQ and he was REALLY trying hard to hook up with me, which I was avoiding at all costs.  She was super encouraging of trying to help him get to know me.   I suspect it was a set up. 

I had to leave early (to go on a date) and soon after the guy texted, even though I’d declined to give him my number.  He’d gotten it from her.  UGH!

There is no way in HELL I would date a friend of theirs, even if I’d been attracted to this guy.  I just have no interest in associating with them or letting them know my business.  Not to mention it was super awkward with my ex- husband there looking on as the guy followed me around.  That, and her general fakeness and introducing me as his “baby mama”.  Please.  I was MARRIED to the man for 13 years and we have children together, it was a hell of a lot more than that.

I don’t blame her for being jealous of me.  She weighs twice as much as I do and is physically less attractive.  That’s putting it nicely.  Most people were in shock when she and my ex started dating after the divorce.  He’s a very physically fit and good looking man. My first thoughts were this lady is really ghetto/ratchet.  Sorry, but it’s true.

The woman has a police record for domestic assault (3 times) and dui’s, she’s been in jail since he was with her, supposedly for violating probation.  I normally try and avoid her.  I’m not looking for a fight.

My kids are required to visit with them and to be fair she has been nice to them thus far.  She got them Christmas presents and my ex doesn’t do that kind of thing on his own.  She bought my 3 year old daughter a (black) doll and I thought that was really sweet.  She also wanted to pierce my daughter’s ears to which I said NO (!!!) but I think her intentions were good. 

I feel sorry for her because I think my ex treats her similarly to how he did me and her self- esteem doesn’t seem really high either.  She actually has it worse in some ways, like she was the one working and providing everything for the family while he sat on his butt with no job for almost 8 months.  It’s easy to say I would have left him if I were her but obviously I can’t talk.

She thinks they are getting married and even had a date set last year but it never happened.  I have my doubts.  I only heard about that because my sister (who is half black, so I guess slipped past the radar and she didn’t recognize was someone she didn’t know) had decided to friend her on Facebook out of curiosity, unbeknownst to me.  She called to tell me about the posting regarding the upcoming wedding.  I said something about it to my ex and he denied it was going to happen any time soon.  I guess it never did.

So really, I feel sorry for her and I don’t hate her or anything but I try and avoid her.  My sister has since been removed off her FB, lol.  In any case, it was pretty low to text me pretending to be him, if she did.  I wish she wouldn’t worry about me wanting him back because I don’t.  Hopefully if she’s the one that texted it will allay her fears and if it was him he will have had his curiosity satiated, but yeah, another upsetting incident for me this past week.

Oh, and I’m not getting to see the Producer today.  He is in serious pain with his hip and going to the ER.  No idea what is wrong.  Hopefully it’s not something really serious.

Hmmmm… What are they thinking??

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I was in the middle of making dinner tonight when some surprises arrived on our doorstep.  Something must have made me go look out the window, the dog barking, the sound of a car pulling away?  I don’t know but I saw the gifts before I checked my texts. 

Sitting on the front porch were a Dora the Explorer tricycle and kites that were obviously for my younger kids.  I immediately thought of the Professor because he had mentioned before that I should get the kids kites and come fly them in the park near his house.  There were other possibilities though.  It could have been one of several neighbors, who have been known to give my children gifts.  Attached was a gift receipt, but no note.

My daughter was squealing with excitement so I turned down the meal I was making and went to work assembling her tricycle.  When I finally went to check my phone (which was charging), sure enough there was a text from the Prof.  It said “Hi.  Check your front door.  Miss talking to you and hope you’re doing ok.”

Hmmm…well, of course I had to tell the children who the gifts were from and they wanted me to say thanks.  So I texted back, “Hey!  Thank you so much!! We are doing alright.  My kids are very happy and say thank you”. 

That was over an hour ago and I haven’t heard anything back.  Weird.  It’s been almost two weeks since the last time he sent a text.  I appreciate the gifts and all but I have to wonder about his motive?  He doesn’t try and get me to chat much, or appear to be trying to fuck me or anything.  So I’m just like huh? But okay…

I admit it is kind of hard on me emotionally still.  Thinking of him brings up a lot of hurt.  Lately I’ve felt more anger towards him than anything, so it’s even more confusing.  I think I’m over him but then he does something like this and my feelings resurface and I hate it because I don’t really think he cares THAT much or he would be doing more.

Anyhow, I’m not that excited about this weekend.  I’m on my period and unlikely to be having any sex.  Boo! 

I’m hoping that all this time away from the Pilot doesn’t make him lose interest in seeing me again but he does still text with me a little bit each day.  Often he is the one that initiates so I feel good about that.  Occasionally though, he makes me wonder, lol. 

Like the other night, he was texting me, telling me about some issue he is having with people he rents a house to.  I was wondering if he just wanted to vent or what.  Then he went on to tell me about some woman who he wasn’t especially into but may or may fuck that night.  He was like, asking me advice about it?  Like you would a random friend? She is married but keeps asking him to hang out so I am thinking she must want more but he wasn’t sure and I guess they didn’t end up doing anything in the end.  Tonight he says he wants to go out and have sex but may not.

 Not sure what to make of him telling me all this, lol.  At this point it doesn’t bother me at all and we still flirt and stuff.  I told him the other day that some guy had been trying to give me his number at the grocery store while we were texting and he said he would too.  I didn’t take down the guy’s number but we were talking about it and I was saying I had fantasized before about randomly meeting a stranger at the store and fucking them in the parking lot.  This is true, though I’m not sure why I told him that, haha but now he wants to fuck me in a parking lot at the store, lmao!!  He’s like bent on doing it the next time we meet.  Cracks me up!  Maybe we will! 😉

Meanwhile, I’m still getting hit up a couple times a day by the Producer.  He sent me pics of his new tattoo and of his dogs. He wanted to get together the other day again, but I was busy hanging out with one of my children.  He’s taking off to another state for a few days soon and eventually going to another country for a while but he will be back.  Somehow I think he will stay in touch.

The other day I got a surprise text from the married man as well.  He sent a picture of his very hard, very nice looking cock, lmao.  I’m supposed to be mad at him for cancelling our plans the last time but he’s just too damn good in bed to stay pissed at for long.  I totally know why his wife stays with him despite being a cheater.  I mean, how could anyone give up that SEX?! 

I sure as hell can’t but I still gave him a bit of a hard time.  He said something about wanting to see me and I was like are you going to pull this crap on me at the last minute again?  He said no, “promise”.  I was like “yeah-huh”.  The next day though he is texting again and telling me how badly he wants me to sit on his face.

 Then he wanted to know if the Prof was fucking me well enough. I said he wasn’t at all and he had to know all about who was then.  When I admitted to having been up his way for a swinger party not too long ago he was like why didn’t you let me know you were in town?? I ignored this because obviously I wasn’t happy with him and anyhow fucking the Pilot 7-8 times in a row then trying to do the Married Man for 4 hours might have killed me, lmao! 😉

He asked for some pics so I sent some in the outfit I wore to the party.  He said “I would have fucked you until you couldn’t have walked for two days”.  (He is not joking either, he’s the only guy I would totally take at his word for something like that, lol).  I said I knew he would have and he was “no, really, you have no idea” then started pressing to know if I got off with the Pilot.

Yeah, I don’t think it will be long before we see one another again.  How could I resist that sex?  OMG.  He is really too good.  He claims not to be having constant sex with his wife but I don’t even know how that could be true.

 If I were married to a guy like that we’d be homeless and living on the street because I’d want him to fuck me all day, every day and wouldn’t let him go to work!!  We’d have to have a soundproof home though, to keep all the noise away from the kids and we’d never be able to go anywhere.  I admit when he stayed the night with me, the next morning I was avoiding him, because I knew if we got started we wouldn’t be able to stop, and I had to go pick up my children before a certain time. So  yeah, I can see how she’d have to stay away from him to manage to keep everyone fed and alive, lol. 

I hate that I’m stuck home this weekend due to menstruating but I don’t know if anyone is up for a hotel room that looks like a murder scene, so not pushing for that.  It’s funny, when I told the Pilot that I’d had a stressful day the other day and starting my period wasn’t helping he was like well wouldn’t you be more stressed if you weren’t?  haha  That I would be!

 He then made some comment about how he hadn’t cum in me but there could always be a slipup and I’m thinking, um no, not if you are concerned about it, lol..  He’s brought up himself the number of kids we each have and been like “do you think anyone would imagine that between the two of us we have NINE kids?” (meaning we look good, lmao) but some of his comments make me wonder if I shouldn’t watch out, lol.  He’s not like the married man, who claims to WANT to get me pregnant, or like my FWB that makes jokes about it and likes to freak me out, but IDK, now and again he says things that are kinda iffy.  He’s also talked about stuff like us getting pictures taken together (sexy ones) by some friend he knows and some other stuff that is a tad relationshipy, so I’m not really sure where he’s going with all that but trying to stay a step removed for now still and stick with the FWB thing. 

It’s just kind of interesting and a tad puzzling to try and figure out what’s in all their heads.  Men say women are confusing but it seems like more often we are the ones trying to interpret everything they do.  Random surprises on my doorstep but you don’t want to talk or have sex?  Telling me all about how you are maybe gonna fuck some woman but that she isn’t all that cute?  When, obviously, I would gladly fuck you (thought circumstances prevent it right now). Is he trying to make me jealous or just being friendly or what? Dipping out on me, then popping up later to say how bad you want to fuck me (typical)?  Taking the time to send me pics of your dogs and crap when you say you don’t want a relationship? Haha..  men…

Someone’s been sleeping in MY bed…

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So tonight I got a text from the Professor.  It’s been 3 weeks since he dropped off the surprise donuts at my house “for the kids” (of course, right after I decided to burn bridges) and 6 weeks before that when we officially ended things.  Suddenly, 9 weeks later, he texts me:

“Just thought I would say hello and hope you and your kids are doing well”. 

Yeah.  Now you care?  This couldn’t POSSIBLY have something to do with knowing that I finally went out to a party without you, had a blast and am starting to really enjoy someone else.  It couldn’t be that I FINALLY am starting to get over you and move on and NOW you are having second thoughts, could it now? :p  It’s not that you don’t like someone else infringing upon “your” territory now is it?

Men always do this.  Always.  Without fail.  Every time.  They never really go away forever….not if you had any kind of relationship with them.  It’s like they just can’t stand to see another man have what was once theirs, even if they didn’t want to keep it for themselves!

  I knew he’d wait until I did all the work on finally getting over him to make his move, I even said so in my previous blog posts. You know it’s more than just wanting to check in on me and the kids, come on!  If he cared about that he’d have done it a long time ago, when I was hurting the most.

 I texted him back “Hi.  Yeah, we are doing great, thanks”.  He said “you are welcome.  Take care of yourself”.  Boring conversation and I left it at that but what do you wanna bet that isn’t the end of it?  Just wait….

 

 

Sinking low

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I’ve been having a hard time even bringing myself to update my blog lately.  I think the depression stage of getting over a breakup has been hitting me hard.  Not to mention anything that reeks of “depression” TERRIFIES me. 

Realize that I am the daughter of a woman with depression so severe that she has gone to the point of near death by suicide twice, and you might understand why.  I would do virtually ANYTHING to avoid feeling “depressed” and sometimes behave recklessly rather than allow myself to wallow.  It took me less than 3 weeks to contract a freaking STD after the way things ended with the Professor and I’m trying not to be like that, but it vacillates. 

I keep going back and forth between anger and tears.  For a while things were falling apart at home. I couldn’t get things done and my daily routine completely flew out the window.  I’ve gained weight; my sleep schedule has been crazy. I feel like I can’t function.  I don’t know what’s wrong with me, but I do. 😦

This past weekend I went home to visit for my brother’s graduation.  My period not only started late and interfered with things but wanted to hang on, causing spotting and me feeling like a bloated balloon all through the time I could have met with the married guy or the one I had the affair with. 

I talked with both of them but we ended up not getting together.  Partly due to my period, and partly due to other factors but I just didn’t have the motivation to make it work.  Instead I hung out with my siblings and family.  Of course, I enjoyed that but for me not to be that excited about sex with these guys is HUGE.  It is so not like me at all to be apathetic about sex and most especially when it’s with someone that is the best of my life or that I’ve been emotionally so into in the past.

I’ve been so despondent.  Things with the Professor hurt me a lot more than I would have thought and I think I liked/loved him a lot more than I even wanted to admit to myself.  I am emotionally just CRUSHED that things turned out the way they did and still so confused as to why.  I feel like all the life has been sucked out of my body.

Somehow I’ve been managing to get through the days, mostly not breaking down until I’m lying in my bed at night.  Then I just sob my heart out.  I’ve been staying up really late, I think to avoid having to face the thoughts in my mind when I’m alone in bed.  Then I get woken up early by the kids and I just look a hot mess.

My sister did my hair yesterday and that has been helping me feel a little better.  I had her brighten it up a bit with warmer tones and I love it.  It’s sort of a coppery brown with golden highlights, which is closer to the natural state of my hair as a kid.  We’d been trying to avoid the natural reddish undertones that my hair tends to pull beforehand but I think it looks much better when I let them shine and brightens up my face and goes better with my green eyes. 

So it has been cheering me up a bit and I came home and got quite a bit done yesterday after unpacking.  Oh, and my grandma gave me some natural supplements that are supposed to help with weight loss.  It’s really just the 15 lbs or so that I keep losing then gaining back but I want to get rid of it for good.  I’ve never tried dieting really or pills but maybe these will help and they are natural so we will see.  I work out several days a week and take my Zumba and pole dancing classes and stuff, but right now it doesn’t seem to be helping. 

My diet has admittedly suffered though these past few weeks.  Then of course, I’ve had bloating from my menstrual cycle.  I dropped off like 5 lbs this morning from yesterday so that is going down and helping me feel a little better too. I do tend to hit a depressed state that time of the month and gain some water weight which makes me feel like crap.

I keep wanting to say I’m on my way to getting over this but I’m really not sure.  There are days when I feel like I am doing better but then nighttime falls and I am a wreck.  Ugh.

I’m still not lacking for men that want to talk to me.  There is a swinger guy I may or may not meet with next weekend and my fuck buddy texted to ask where I’ve been and says he misses me.  The married man says his wife will be out of town soon and the guy I had the affair with was really disappointed that we missed each other.  Then there is that guy I kissed awhile back who gave me the flowers.  He’s been emailing me again.  Oh, and I got a text from the guy with the small dick (I should probably think up a nicer way to refer to him, lol) wanting to see me this weekend too.  Plus there’s this other guy who just got married, but has been talking about flying me out to see him for quite a while.  Lots of prospects, just need to get over this pesky broken heart. :p

The guy I had the affair with has been kind of cracking me up.  His texts are interesting.  He’s gone back to being really possessive lately, even though we haven’t seen each other in like 6 months and rarely talk.  Out of the blue he’s telling me I’m his and he doesn’t want to share.  I just sort of laughed it off and he was like “Lovergirl, I’m serious”.  I’m not sure how to take that.  I used to love his possessive attitude towards me but right now it seems so far removed.  I had said if he wanted it to be his he was going to have to come get it (meaning get your butt down here soon, lol) and he said “I am going to come get it!! And I’d better not find out someone else is getting it or there will be problems”.  What??  Men, I swear they are so weird sometimes.  Why would he act territorial NOW, when we’ve not been an item for a long time?

Anyhow, I’m trying not to think too much about what the Professor has been up to.  Obviously he doesn’t want to talk to me or he would.  It has been over four weeks now since we’ve spoken to one another.  He seems perpetually always signed on to the swinger site but I think it’s always been like that.  He was on my “friends” list there so I’m used to seeing his name as “online”.  I think it must just mean his phone is on or something.  I try to stay away from his profile, his house, anything like that, no matter how tempting it is to look.  Everything about thinking about him makes me feel so disappointed and hurt. 

Who knows?  Maybe he’s spending all his free time with that married woman now or playing with whomever off the swinger site.  I guess I know one thing for sure and that’s that he never really cared that much about me or the friendship in the way he pretended to.  He’s never even bothered to check and see how things are going with all the stressful stuff he knew was happening here at my house with my oldest child. 

This really isn’t doing much to help my trust towards men in general.  I feel betrayed because he ACTED like someone who really liked me but then just turned on me and disappeared when it didn’t fit his agenda.  I don’t understand why, if he just wanted to be FWB, he would do all that stuff for me and get involved in my daily life and act like I meant something to him.  They always say you can judge a man’s feelings more by his actions than his words but in this case I guess I should have been listening to his words and ignoring the actions.  I’d much rather he never have done all that stuff and given me hope if he didn’t mean it.  :/

 

 

 

 

On the homefront

Latest-News

So since I’m on a sex ban for a week until the antibiotics have had the time to work their magic, I spent Saturday night with my old friend from out of town.  We went out to eat with one of her sisters at a nice restaurant, then did a little pub crawl and got properly sauced.

We had a blast, despite the lameness of the bars in this town.  Not just the bars themselves, but the people in them, lol.  It seems around here there is an age limit to partying and it cuts off somewhere around about age 23, making us feel ancient.  This is so NOT true of the town we grew up in and where she lives now.  There the “grown and sexy” are getting their groove on well into their old age, or at least way past their 30’s!

Also, I never see anyone DANCING at any of the clubs here.  They just like, stand there and talk?  Boring!! I guess that’s why I don’t make any real effort to hit the town when I don’t have a good reason, like an outside visitor to entertain. Still, we know how to make do, haha. 😉 

Pathetic pickup line of the night: “my friend has a ten inch dick”, said by some 20 something kid while pointing at his friend.  Didn’t bother to find out if that was true, for obvious reasons. We did have some guy, who said he was 28, buying us drinks and trying to dry hump my ass and grab on me at the bar. 

Overall though, it was a good place to be when you are carrying an STD and can’t have sex anyway, lol.  I pondered whether or not that might be a good way to get random guys off our back if necessary.  Hey, sorry, I have an STD, lmao.  But no, I didn’t actually say that.  Instead we pulled the standard slipping off to the restroom disappearing act. 

We had a good time and I told her a little bit about my current lifestyle.  I mentioned the swinging and at first she was mildly surprised but then laughed and was like “sounds just like you were in high school”.  Yep… 

She says she is kind of jealous, I guess because it sounds adventurous and fun.  Who knows, maybe I’ll convince her to give it a whirl, lol.  I told her about my pole dancing class too and she was like “I so wish we lived closer and could take it together!!!” 

See, telling the people I grew up around that I am doing this kind of stuff is really no big deal at all.  My family probably would be shocked for a minute or two, then just have questions and be cool with it. I don’t think they’d really care all that much.  It’s the uber judgmental Christian folks I’ve been spending way too much time with, since I moved here and got married to a guy in ministry, that are the problem.  Hell, they act like if you are DIVORCED they can barely associate with you.  Ran into a girl today that was in one of my church groups and is still on my Facebook page and it was just awkward.  If only they knew….

I’m due to go home next weekend for a family member’s graduation and I am so excited!! It is going to be my first two nights in a row away from my kids, I think in the past 13 years.  That part is a little hard but I think they will be fine and I’m really hoping to get to see the married man.  He talked about getting me a hotel room. 

My period was 6 days late though, so I’m on it now and afraid it won’t be over.  Dangit!  Not sure that will stop him though, haha.  This is way gross, but I saw the other day on Facebook that he had “liked” some picture a girl posted that talked about how a real man wasn’t afraid to get a little blood on him or something like that and had a pic with a guy with blood all over his face like he’d been eating her out during that time of the month.  Yeah, I wouldn’t put it past him, lol.  Hopefully I don’t have to find out though. :p  Ewwwwwww…

Also, I was looking forward to seeing the guy I had the affair with and HE is pretty unlikely to want to hook up if I’m still bleeding, but he may still want to hang out.  He is a sweetheart.   The other day he sent me a text for Mother’s day that read “Happy Mothers Day Momma 😉  I miss and love you no matter the distance”.  Awww….   I miss him too.  He always knows the right thing to say. 

Sadly, from the Professor I heard nothing.  It’s been 23 days now.  Still nothing.  I guess I need to let go of the hope that there could ever be some kind of reconciliation.  I thought I was doing okay but broke down in tears again last night.  I’m sure I’ll hear from him again someday, but like most guys he won’t decide he wants to be with me until it’s too late and I’ve already done all the work of healing and don’t want to go back.  Why do men have to be like that?  Sigh…

That guy who gave me the flowers the other day is acting weird as hell.  I went over that one time afterwards and we kissed then I left and nothing.  So a few days ago I look at my Plenty of Fish account and he has emailed me saying how bad he wants me.  WTF?  I was like “did you lose my number?” and he said “I still have your number, you know, it works both ways dear”.  I said I figured if he wanted to talk he would call and he said he felt if I was interested and liked HIM I would hit him up too.  I just said “ok” and no response after that.  SMFH. 

I’m really not one to aggressively pursue men.  I don’t want to be with anyone who isn’t gung ho about being with ME.  Maybe I’m too sensitive about that, I don’t know, but the idea of chasing after men is really unappealing.  Why would I want to be with a man who didn’t want to PURSUE me?  Seems like that should be his job, I’m old fashioned like that, or something. Or I just like being chased, haha.  That’s half the fun, no?

I know some will disagree but ah well.  A wishy- washy man does nothing for me.  Plus it reminds me too much of my ex- husband, though he actually was the one that sought me out in the beginning too.

I wonder sometimes if the Professor might be hoping or expecting that I will reconnect with him but he’s the one that ended things so it doesn’t seem right.  I don’t want to look like a fool.  Nah, he hurt me.  It’s on him to make things better if he really wanted to, too much risk of re-opening the wound if I were to contact him and get rejected again.  I admit though that he is still on my mind a lot.  I don’t really understand how he could turn his back on me that way.  Guess he’s just a dick like the rest of them.  I can’t believe I thought he was so great.  I must be really fucking delusional or something.

In other news, I’ve been emailing with this couple off the swinger site.  They are rather interesting because the woman doesn’t really like to play with other women and doesn’t really want to do a full swap with a couple.  Their profile says MAYBE if the guy fit certain criteria that my fuck buddy would probably make.  So when they sent me an email I responded back and added that he might be someone she would like too. 

They didn’t comment on that but the guy wants to meet ME.  Sometimes he plays alone, but I guess at others she comes along.  So she might come along if we were to play and sit there and WATCH. 

I don’t know about this.  The idea of having sex with this guy (who is admittedly quite hot from the pics) while his wife sits there and observes just seems really AWKWARD.  Now I know how all these guys feel when the husbands watch and do nothing.  It’s just downright weird, lol.  Not sure I can do it.  I think I would feel really inhibited and shy with her watching and not participating and feel less like I could get into it with her husband because I’d be worried about how it would make HER feel.  Any women have any experience with anything like this before?

 

You’re gonna miss what you had…

It’s ten days in and I haven’t contacted the Professor.  I hope he’s miserable.  I hope he’s realizing what a dumb move it was to dump me and how hard it will be for him to find a replacement.  Sure, he can go around banging these old married ladies but none of them are ever going to compare to me.  I mean, not to be conceited, but…if everything guys tell me is true then I’m not such a bad “catch”. 

PLUS, he will always have to deal with their husbands, with a man involved, whether he is watching or taking pictures or into threesomes or just telling his wife whether or not she can play that day.  There aren’t a lot of single women in the Lifestyle either.  There’s a reason they are called “unicorns”.  He can’t even get into a lot of the swinger parties without a woman as a date.  No one else is going to be as accessible as I was and the majority of single women outside of the Lifestyle are not going to be near as easygoing about coming along for the ride. 

Every single man I meet that is on the swinger site WANTS me to come to a party with him! The fuck buddy has asked me as well as the married man and the officer and a couple guys I’ve gone on dates with or talked to.  They all seem to be looking for a swinging partner. I’ve always said no in the past because I didn’t want to show up with anyone other than the Professor.  People already were treating us as though we were a couple and I felt like it would be disrespectful.  He said himself that he got a lot more offers and attention when I was there with him. I think he deserves to be knocked upside the head, lol.

Even barring all that, he also told me I was some of the best sex he’s ever had in his life.  So it’s not just me that will be missing out on that little perk.  Take that!

Oh, and he’s a man.  For the most part women aren’t coming up to him and seeking him out for sex.  He has to go looking and looking and looking and put up with all kinds of rejection in the process.  Me, not so much.  There is a lot more chance of him ending up lonely and by himself than me.  Yes, he’s fabulous in bed but no one is going to be aware of that until they agree to have sex with him and even then some people just really do have more chemistry than others

I don’t really know why men think I’m good in bed but they keep telling me that.  The officer actually texted me today to tell me “your sex game is amazing”, LMAO.  

Then he wanted to know if I had another woman I wanted to bring in on the fun. :p  Men are so funny.  They all seem to think women like fucking their girlfriends and that we are going to have one on hand to share guys with.  Yeah right!  I can’t think of anything more likely to cause drama in a friendship than that, even if I were so inclined. 

Anyhow, he’s also missing out on the daily companionship and affection from me.  Sure he can get that from the married woman too, but she’s far away and limited in her interactions with him.  She’s not going to bring him by a meal when he’s sick or physically be there to touch and tease him except on rare occasions.  I mean, it was over six months since he last had sex with her, assuming he’s telling the truth.

The majority of our interactions were fun and lighthearted and sexy and affectionate.  I think I’ve written about most of the drama.  If that’s too much for him, well, there is a lot he could have done to prevent it so I feel like it’s partially his choice.  Yes, I have things I need to work on and I’m not forgetting that but I don’t want to take ALL the blame either.

Last month I slept with 4 guys.  The Professor, my fuck buddy, the guy I met off Craigslist that had the smallish cock and the Officer. I also went on a date with another guy and though I didn’t get to write about it, I did end up going back over to his house for a kiss.  He was the guy that gave me the flowers. He had said how much he wanted to kiss me and asked me to stop by so I finally did and we kissed for a few then I left, lol.  Haven’t heard from him since, which is odd, but again we both were having breakups and I didn’t feel any real chemistry. 

My grandmother, the night after our first date, informed me that at some point I had accidentally dialed her number on my phone and that she was sitting there listening to our conversation “for 8-10 minutes”.  Lovely!  LOL  She told me she heard him talking about his girlfriend, so apparently she knows I was out with some guy that had a girlfriend who is pregnant with another man’s (possibly) baby though it could also be his.  Wonder if she heard anything about Craigslist??  At least it was a fairly tame conversation, lmao.  I can only imagine if I’d been there with the Officer or something…..eek!

The Professor did look at my swinger profile once so far.  Wonder what he was thinking?  I do miss him, a lot, but I’m also pretty hurt and as the days go by I feel more angry.  Maybe I am getting over him, that is one of the stages of grief. 

I was looking at the swinger site tonight and guess whose profile I came across?  The DJ stalker guy I wrote about in Stopping the Stalkers! And guess who had validated him and said they were FWB?  One of the women that the Professor has told me he played with before!  Hilarious!  I guess I shouldn’t be surprised since there are a limited amount of folks in this area on that site and it would make sense that we might have the same taste.  She had also told the Professor she really liked that guy I went out on a date with but thought smelled?  Ewwwww…. 

The DJ is pretty good looking and has nice pics.  He was just….crazy.  Of course with this woman being married also he probably didn’t act like such a nutcase and wasn’t trying to get her to be his girlfriend! With her husband around he probably wasn’t going to hold her down and refuse to let her get up or go in without a condom when she was insisting he should wear one.  I think there are a lot of benefits to having a more serious man in your life if you are going to play this way. 

Doing it as a single woman is definitely a lot more risky, not just physically, but emotionally.  I definitely would have felt a lot safer if the Professor had wanted to do this from the framework of having a “relationship” but he didn’t want to give me that. That’s really what the gist of our coming to an end had to do with.  I couldn’t handle it without a more secure base to work from.

My other option is to just keep emotional distance from everyone and I can do that when I set my mind to it.  If I’m not attached to anyone it’s not going to hurt so much to be rejected or feel abandoned.  Still, it’s one of the reasons I stay away from FMF threesomes, thus far.  I had that one experience where I felt left out and it killed me to the point that I am very afraid of going there without the reassurance that the guy involved is super into ME. 

Maybe it would be different if I just come in as a third wheel though so far I have shied away from that too.  There is this guy I have texted with back and forth that has a really nice body (per his pics anyway) who texted me a picture of a girl he has played with before and asked me if I’d consider a threesome with them.  I saw her pic and was thinking um, no way.  This girl looks way younger than me and clearly hasn’t had kids and it’s like I so don’t want to be the old hag in the interaction that gets “left out”.  Yeah, no thanks!  The only time it sounded more appealing was when the married man wanted me to join him and his wife, lol.  Because in that case I just wouldn’t feel the jealousy.  However, she might.  Plus, he’s good enough in bed for the both of us and then some!

 Dangit I wish he was free on weekends.  Gonna have to figure something out here soon with him. 😉 Talked to him recently and he says he wants to see me but no solid plans.  The FWB is off to another state again and the guy I had the affair with is stuck at home for an event with his kid.  He invited me to come along actually, but I don’t think I will, lol.  I should be up that way in a few weeks anyway.

Of course my trusty fuck buddy is still around and the Officer should be swinging back this way shortly.  I wonder though, if I will end up alone and depressed for the weekend.   Maybe it’s time to hit up Craigslist?  Or perhaps I will just spend it getting my massage and nails done and taking one of my kids on an outing that we’ve planned.  Guess I will see.  I don’t want to sleep with just anyone and still want to be choosy.  I know all too well how decisions on sleeping with someone made in haste sometimes end up in regret. :p

Does he miss me?

I happened to look at the swinger site tonight and saw that the Professor had viewed my profile. I wonder why? It’s bringing all sorts of feelings up that I’ve been trying to push aside.

I know it could mean nothing. Maybe he was just checking to see if I’d removed the little blurb I had on there about HIM. Before, I’d put down that I had someone I play with sometimes, if anyone wanted to play with us together and gave a brief description. I took it down the other day when it seemed like stuff was truly over with us.

I haven’t talked to him for 5 days. I don’t even have the desire to try and contact him because I felt so hopeless with our last conversation. He seemed bent on ending things and believing that I’m just too much trouble and work for him. He said his relationship with that married woman was more valuable to him right now and that cut like a knife. I was pretty much speechless after that and just said ok, goodbye and hung up the phone. I was choking back tears and I’m sure he could hear it in my voice.

So I don’t know if he’s missing me or maybe just feeling sorry for me. I really don’t want anyone’s pity. If he doesn’t want to be with me for my own merits, screw it. Of course, being a typical female, now I’m going to analyze this whole thing to death though. Does he miss me?? Wah!! 😦

Who knows, maybe he was showing someone ELSE my profile and telling them who he USED to play with. There’s really no telling. I know what I WANT it to be. I want to believe he misses me and regrets what he said. Wonder what the chances are of that? Probably shouldn’t get my hopes up. :/

I’m sure on some level he’s GOT to miss the sex at least. But maybe not. Men have that reputation for wanting more variety and getting bored with the same person more easily.

He’s always claiming I over-exaggerate his ability to find women to sleep with but I’m not so sure. There are lots of options out there in the swinging community and it’s not like he was having trouble before he met me. There’s been several women who’ve at least asked him to meet with them since we’ve been together, though he mostly turned them down and chose to be with me instead.

I never told him he had to do that or anything but he acts as though he was doing me a favor. He also claimed that his reason for not seeing the married woman for so long was partly because of me. According to him, he didn’t want to upset me too much. I think he resented this, but really he was making assumptions, not basing it on any actual statements on my part. Not that I don’t understand, I greatly curtailed the amount of outside sex I was having so as not to hurt him too because I knew he didn’t like it.

I think maybe he thought being done with me would give him more freedom and he can just do whatever the hell he wants without thinking about anyone else’s feelings. That’s true, to an extent it would give him that. Sometimes though, endless No Strings Attached sex can still make a person feel pretty lonely. I think even for men.

Maybe he needs time to figure that out for himself, and by then maybe he will find someone he’d rather be with than me. Or maybe he really is much happier with that married woman for whatever reason. Maybe he didn’t ever like me all that much. I don’t know but I’m still aching inside and I definitely miss the sex. A connection like that doesn’t really come that easily, at least in my experience.

I guess on the plus side I can have less guilt about playing with whomever in the mean time. I mean, this isn’t like a regular relationship and he didn’t want that with me anyway. It was open anyhow, lol. So while I do feel kinda bad when I meet with other guys I know I don’t have a legit reason to stop doing so.

I went out on a date tonight with a new guy. We met at his apartment. I was a little reluctant to do so at first but he called and assured me over the phone that he was “not like other guys” and that I had nothing to fear. He sounded sincere enough.

So I showed up and he was just as nice looking as his pics. He was a tall, attractive, in shape and nice guy. We talked and had nice conversation. He then took me out for ice cream and gave me a bouquet of flowers. See?

flowers

But he didn’t even kiss me goodbye. :p I wonder if he was even attracted to me? He did mention how he loved that I always seemed to be smiling. Still, I just felt a distinct lack of chemistry. Maybe it was due to the fact that he is fresh out of a recent breakup (as am I). He said his ex cheated on him with another man and now she is pregnant and doesn’t know if the baby belongs to him or the new guy but she’s made it clear she WANTS it to belong to the new dude. Ouch. He’d just moved out to a hotel a couple months ago and then to this apartment within the past couple of days. There were still boxes around though the living room was set up nicely.

In any case, I left and haven’t heard from him yet. I’m not sure I really want to. It’s not that there is anything lacking about him specifically, just wasn’t really a sexual vibe. I’m pretty sure he’s not the type that would be okay with the fact that I’m sleeping with other guys and I’m not wanting to hurt anyone either.

I HAVE heard from that other guy a couple times (the one I slept with the other night that wasn’t so well endowed). I’ve been polite but not trying to get his hopes up too much. I told him I’m busy this weekend and I had mentioned the swinger site to him before and he said he checked it out and is enjoying it. Maybe that will be a good distraction to keep him from being too interested in me.

I still have plans to meet with that one older guy for sex later this weekend. I’ll let you all know how that goes! I have to admit that I really do miss the Professor a lot. 😦 Trying not to think too much about what he might be up to. :/