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Another wipeout…

wipeout

Well, Radioman is gone. It looks like it’s pretty much time to wipe the slate clean and start all over again, with new men. Let me tell you a little bit about what happened.

Besides an occasional rendezvous with the CEO, Radioman has been the main man in my life for the past several months. I’ve been seeing him a couple times a week, and felt like the emotional bond was getting stronger. We were casual, but comfortable and seemingly happy. He was my mainstay and I really didn’t feel the need to spend much time with anyone else.

Actually, recently, he had started to express a little more jealousy. When I was out with a girlfriend, he asked me not to sleep with any other men. Yet, at the same time he was asking questions about a possible threesome with her or another woman. Typical. Still, he claimed he wasn’t sleeping with anyone else.

On top of that, we had gotten the radio station together with my company to do a little temporary project. It was fun and we were enjoying seeing each other at work. Or so it seemed….

I was really starting to wonder if maybe, just maybe, Radioman was someone I could see myself with long term. He had started bringing up topics like how he hates living alone and wanted a woman to come home to. He said he missed having someone cook for him and be there to talk to at the end of the day. He even asked me to come over and just be there with him, he said it didn’t have to be all about sex. He even invited me to come cook dinner at his house because my oven wasn’t working, he said just so he could smell the food, even if he wasn’t eating it, lol.

I still had reservations, in the back of my mind. I wondered, could I really be faithful to someone like Radioman? I know he would want that. From what I know of his ex wife, she got BORED. Also, he struggles financially with all the child support he pays, having 3 children with three different women. Then there is the gambling… Yet I thought, maybe. Maybe I am being too picky and can’t afford to be that way. I do really enjoy my time with him and I feel comfortable, if not in love. Maybe I should give it a chance.

All that was blown out of the water very quickly though. First, there was an incident at work where I had to leave early and he was apparently hitting on my co-worker. He added her on Facebook and since I was friends with both of them it popped up.

I was pretty upset. I was MORE upset that he was possibly damaging a relationship with my co-worker than I was worried about how it would affect me and him. I most definitely do not need competition over men at work. A big part of my job is being able to be in good spirits and having fun with the people I work with in order to make sales. I told him if he is pursuing her then we need to be done.

We got into it and he seemed sincerely apologetic. He swore up and down that it was all just friendly and business but she said she had felt uncomfortable with it too. He yelled at me for over an hour about how innocent he was and said that couldn’t I see from all this how much he CARED about me? He said he really only wanted ME and that was why he was here fighting for this relationship, almost like we were “married” (his words). He agreed to delete her and that it wouldn’t happen again.

I finally relented and forgave him and for the next week he seemed much more concerned about showing me he cared. He was going way out of his way to call, text, and invite me over. It was almost to the point of being annoying.

All seemed well, or so I thought. The following weekend it all disappeared. He showed up, at an event he knew I would be working, with a DATE.

He had been texting me repeatedly, throughout the day, asking questions. So he KNEW I was going to be there and knew what time. He even TOLD me he was coming and I said great, maybe I can come hang out with you for a little bit. He insisted that he wouldn’t want me to do that, since he knew I had to make sales. I was like, its really not a big deal I can leave for a while if I want to.

Thirty minutes before he arrived, he texted and told me that since he had extra tickets from the radio station, he was going to meet a friend and “her” kids. That made me feel weird and I wasn’t sure what to think. He and I have never done anything with my children. Still, I thought, okay, maybe I should chill out and its just platonic. He does have a lot of friends.

I saw him, and the woman and her daughter, so he came over and said hi. The woman was ugly, in my opinion, and she kind of hung back a bit. Finally, he introduced us and it all just felt really uncomfortable. I could tell the teenage daughter did not feel good about it. Something wasn’t right.

The longer I worked, while they were walking around doing whatever, the more my blood began to boil. I just couldn’t believe, out of all the places in the city he could have gone, that he brought another woman to the place he knew I was going to be, on what appeared to be a “date”. We hadn’t gone on a date since the first couple of times we were together, before having sex. It seemed very disrespectful and in my face.

I finally texted him later that night and asked him about it. He said I was tripping and that she was just a friend. So I went over to his Facebook page and saw that she had tagged him a couple of days prior, when he took her out to a restaurant for lunch! It happened to be a day that he had told me he was with a “client”. I was PISSED!

So I emailed her on Facebook, told her I was the woman she met and asked what their relationship was. She said they had been friends for a long time, but were on a date and that he was pursuing her hard for a relationship. They hadn’t had sex yet.

I questioned him again and he was still being evasive, until I told him I had talked to HER. She asked me to ask him if he wanted to date her to see what he would say. He wouldn’t answer for a very long time and then he finally asked her to be his girlfriend and told me that is what he had wanted all along.

OUCH. Ouch. Just ouch. 😦 I am glad I confronted it all head on though, rather than allow myself to continue to be disrespected. I blocked him on Facebook and put all his text messages to spam. I can see that he hasn’t tried to contact me anyway, but I feel better not being tempted to respond if he does.

I’m still a little bit shell shocked. It definitely hurt and I cried quite a bit over the abandonment of it all but I know I am going to be okay. I know, logically, that I had questions in my mind about him anyway and that he wasn’t the man for me, but I still felt attached. It had been almost 9 months since we started sleeping together.

It reminds me SO MUCH of what happened with the Producer, if any of you all remember THAT story. Sigh. Why do other women always get chosen over me? This woman wasn’t even physically attractive, that I could see. Her face was sort of worn and leathered, like that of a former drug addict or someone who has had a hard life.

I don’t understand. Maybe its because she was holding out on sex? He was already treating her better than he treated me, from the get go. He took her out to a nicer restaurant, and according to her, to the movies, AND he was taking her to a party at the radio station the next night. Not to mention the event I was working at.

Why? Why? Why? I feel so defeated, like giving up. Is something wrong with me?

A funny twist in it all- the very next night I got asked out on a double date by some guys that live out of town but were working here with me. After dinner, my phone died and I was in the heart of the city trying to figure out how to get home. So, I just started driving and looking for something familiar.

I ended up in the shopping district and got out at a gas station to ask directions. When I walked out of the door, I was standing smack dab in front of the Married Man that I haven’t seen in forever! He said I looked good and he wanted to start seeing me again. I probably would have that night if I hadn’t been on my period. 😉 Maybe again soon.

In the meantime, I’ve gone out on a couple of dates with different guys. I had sex with one. He is a professional boxer and personal trainer and is here from out of town for a tournament. He’s a nice looking guy and has a big dick but there really isn’t a whole lot else to say about him, lol. The sex was decent, but nothing out of this world.

I went out with someone else last night but he definitely wasn’t for me. I guess I just need to keep playing the numbers game and see what I come up with. Wish me luck!

Another one bites the dust…

The men in my life are falling like dominoes.  If it weren’t for Mr. Firm, who has been supremely awesome, and my fuck buddy, I’d be high and dry.  In the past week I’ve decided to drop Mr. Motorcycle, the Married Man has taken me off his Facebook (so I’m guessing he is serious about this not wanting to fool around stuff) and as of now I am completely done with the Referee.

Getting rid of Mr. Motorcycle has proven to be a challenge.  He’s not wanting to go without a fight.  After the events of the last party, and after discussing it with a few different people, I decided it was for the best to just end things now, before things get worse.  There are just too many red flags with him and I have some serious suspicions about what went on behind my back at that hotel party with him.

Three different men, who had all been to that party before, listened to my retelling of the events with him and said the same exact thing, that they KNOW he was fucking people in the hotel rooms while I was sitting alone at the party.  Mr. Firm, the Pilot, and the Referee all said that is what happens there during the party and that even signing up all the black guys get invited to these BBC gang bangs that are going on.  They said if he was even gone 20 minutes he HAD to have been fucking someone.

Well, combined with the totally lame excuses he gave me for disappearing I would have to say they are right.  First off, he claimed he was in the hotel room manscaping “for the first time” and it made such a mess that he spent a lot of time cleaning up.  Not only does that not explain his multiple disappearances, but it is a flat out lie.  I have proof in the form of pictures he sent me before we even met of him naked, and completely shaved.  Not to mention there weren’t any dirty towels lying around or anything like that in the hotel room.  What the fuck ever. Who gets dressed up for a party then turns around and decides to manscape in the hotel anyhow?

Since I have told him I am done he has tried EVERYTHING to manipulate me into staying with him.  He said he spent the entire weekend trying to decide to tell me he is falling in love with me.  Then he said he already bought the kids and I Christmas presents and that they were all wrapped and he couldn’t take them back and wanted to bring them over to my house.  I told him not to waste his time.  I’ve had to be pretty harsh.  It’s hard, but I’ve managed to stay firm.  With his background and that “adult abuse without stalking” charge, he freaks me out anyway.  I don’t want to get too involved with a control freak.

I thought things were still awesome with the Referee, but found out differently this weekend.  He had made plans to come visit me but changed them because one of his daughters had won in a college basketball tournament and he wanted to stay for her game.  He said he would pay my gas to come up there and we could go to a party that evening.  Cool.  It was a house party and I was excited to check one of those out.

Before I came up he brought up a couple that he knows that was going to be there.  The woman half is someone he said he was in an “exclusive” relationship for some time with but that she was too jealous and he had to end it.  He said the husband had offered for us to stay at their house but I didn’t think that was a very good idea, considering her jealousy and all and me not knowing these people.  He claimed not to have taken the offer seriously anyway and that he was planning on paying for another night at the hotel. 

The party started at 7 o’clock and the hosts sent out an email asking people to try and arrive around then. I would have to do what I could to get there by then because it would take me about 2 1/2 hrs to get there.  The Referee said all was cool when I texted him I was leaving at 4:45.

So I arrive at the hotel, a Fairfield Marriot.  I call the Referee, no answer.  I text and he doesn’t text back.  He had sent me a copy of the confirmation number before I came up, because it had the address of the hotel.  So I went in and got the room number.  Knocked on the door and there was no answer.  I finally went downstairs and got the people at the front desk to give me a key.  When I got into the room there was no one inside.  There were no suitcases or anything lying around.  The only sign anyone had been there were a couple of wrappers in the trash can.  Supposedly he had stayed there the night before.

I’m puzzled because I had tried calling and texting several more times to no avail.  I decide to just start getting ready for the party, change my clothes and touch up.  By now it is after 8:00 and still no sign of the Referee.  I wonder if I am getting stood up?  So I text the host of the party and ask if by chance he had arrived there, thinking maybe he’d gone to check out the party and was planning to come back.  Nope.  They haven’t seen him but tell me to come on by on my own!

Finally my phone rings and it is the Referee.  He says he went to dinner with that couple “right around the corner” that he had talked about and that he had “left his phone charging in the car” because it was dead.  Give me a fucking break!  Who leaves their car running for an hour and a half with a phone charging in it when they know someone is supposed to be arriving in town?? Supposedly he was on his way back. I was pissed and hung up on him.  I finished getting ready and debated on what to do. 

It was a pretty long time and he still hadn’t shown up, so I decided to gather my bags up and leave.  Just as I am heading out the door he is coming in.  He was like “wait! where are you going?” and trying to talk to me but I just brushed past.  He left his suitcase in the hall and chased after me down to my vehicle, begging me to just wait and go to the party with him.  I told him I am going to the party by myself and he said he wasn’t going to go if I wouldn’t talk to him.  I said I hoped he had fun fucking that woman (which of course he denied) and got in my van. 

After I drove off he called me and said if I wasn’t going to talk to him fine, he would leave and I could keep the hotel room.  I said great, you can stay with your friends.  He said he wasn’t going to do that and kept trying to talk to me. He was like “really?  You are that pissed off about me going to dinner with someone?” and I pointed out that he’d shown up an hour and a half late and just left me hanging, no matter what the hell he was doing.  He knew I was coming to the hotel and supposed to be there a little after 7. 

I got to the party a little after 9. I got in free since I was alone and female. There weren’t a ton of people there yet but the host guy liked me and was showing me around.  He even announced my arrival at the party to groups of people like I was some sort of celebrity, lol.  A single woman there all by myself I might as well have been.  A few different men came up to talk to me at various times.

When I got a minute to head back over to check my phone (which was in my coat by the door) there were texts from the Referee.  He was like “seriously?”.  A little while later he showed up at the party, WITH that couple.  I was chatting with a good-looking, biracial, 24 year old, body builder when he walked in and he didn’t say anything to me but walked into the kitchen with his little friends.

Of course, I’d had to explain to several people why I was there all by myself, and from so far away.  Repeatedly, people said what a dick he is for doing that to you!  He’s losing out!!  He motioned at me once from the kitchen and I discretely flipped him off.

I walked past him at one point and the male half of the couple tried to stop me.  I said (loud enough for the people in the vicinity to hear) to the guy who was with me “this is that couple he stood me up for” and the woman started getting pissy.  I ignored her and walked downstairs.

A while later the body building guy invited me back into a private room.  We went in with the intent to play.  However, he couldn’t get it up, so it was kind of a fail.  I sucked on his floppy little dick to no avail.  He said it was his first party and he was kind of nervous.  He didn’t know why it wasn’t cooperating.  I said that was okay and we eventually headed back out to join the party.

Later on, I ended up in that room again.  This time I was spread eagle on the bed while a woman was using a Hitachi magic wand on me and licking my pussy.  Another woman and man were sucking on my nipples and another guy fingered me.  I also went down on a redheaded girl that was next to me while the wand was being used on her. I had kissed and made out with a couple of different women at the party, one who I had met and made out with when I was with Mr. Motorcycle before. 

The door was supposed to stay closed and “private” when there were people in there but someone let in the Referee.  He came over and tried to play with me too and I put my hand over my pussy to deny him access.  He kept pushing and pulled me away from the people and rather than cause a big scene I finally let him.  He’s the only guy I actually fucked there.

Afterwards, I was ignoring him again.  He and that couple walked past me and I was standing there with the body builder.  I said, that’s the one that ditched me and those are the people and she turned around and started screaming.  She started screaming at me that she hadn’t even fucked him and yelling at the top of her lungs.  I didn’t respond and they walked out the door, together. 

The body builder guy was like “damn, you didn’t even say two words to her and she started flipping out”.  I pointed out that the Referee hadn’t even bothered to stand up for me and just LEFT with this woman.  Nice.  The other people at the party were like damn, what is her problem?  Wow.  At some point earlier another woman had come up to me and said that I was right, that the Referee was really an asshole.  She didn’t say why, but apparently he had pissed her off somehow.

I stayed and talked for a little while but decided to go back to the hotel alone.  The body builder offered to come with me and I said probably not tonight.  I was hoping the Referee would have gone home with those people and I wouldn’t have to see him.  I’d only had two mixed drinks but I didn’t feel like driving all the way home late at night. 

I got back to the room and no one was there so I bolted the door and got ready for bed.  Unfortunately, about half an hour later the Referee showed up.  Long story short he tried every trick in the book, even telling me he “loves” me to get me to forgive him.  Then he started demanding that I owed him sex since he payed for the room for us to be in together.  He only pays like $35 for a room because he gets a special discount but it was a very nice suite.  Still, I told him that I don’t “owe” him anything and that I was totally turned off due to his behavior.

He argued and pushed and argued and pushed, all night long.  At 4 am he still wouldn’t go to sleep even though I’d asked him to just leave me alone.  He said he couldn’t sleep without an orgasm and that he couldn’t get himself off.  Every time he touched me I told him to back off. 

He finally climbed on top of my legs while I was lying on my stomach, and wouldn’t get off.  He said he knew I was horny because I was so wet and I told him not for him.  He started jacking off and trying to rub his cock between my thighs, swearing that was all he was going to do.

He wouldn’t get off me. He finally pretended to “fall” and push it in between my legs, under my panties. Please. Give me a fucking break. I told him to quit and get off me. He did but repeated a similar process again. He begged and pleaded and begged me to fuck him. He tried to say he treats me sooo well and I will never find another man who is so good to me.

At one point he claimed he would call this woman and stand up for me now. I told him to do it. He then said he only had her husband’s number. I said then call him and ask for hers and he said no one does that (eyeroll). He said he is getting out of the lifestyle now and it is all my fault, that he is in love with me and he can’t deal with this kind of stuff. He was so full of shit.

I ended up begrudgingly fucking him, twice, just to get him to leave me alone so I could sleep. No, I really didn’t want to and I flat out told him that. I didn’t cum or anything like that and barely acknowledged him. Then the next morning he tried to say he thought since we had “made love” everything was better. What a freaking joke. I am so, so, so, done. I was so glad to get out of there and never want to see him again. He kept telling me how I am going to miss him and be so sad. Give me a fucking break!!

Meeting the Producer’s new girlfriend…

pitythefool

In my last blog post I was pissed at the Producer and hurt and had no intention of continuing anything with him.  I finally calmed down a bit and thought, okay, maybe I can do this.  Maybe, if he is really wanting to continue seeing me, like he was saying he had insisted to the other woman, and would be willing to keep treating me the same way he has been, then it wouldn’t be so bad.  I mean, isn’t that what “open relationships” are supposed to be about?

He was, at this point, in Amsterdam, so still couldn’t talk to me until I unblocked him from Whatsapp.  I decided to do so and told him that maybe I had overreacted.  He was very happy.  He said that I meant a lot to him and he couldn’t just turn relationships off and on like a light switch, that he isn’t that kind of guy.  According to him he’d been telling this woman how hurt he was that I wouldn’t talk with him and that he felt like he was losing our friendship.

From there things moved very quickly.  He had said he would like to take me out and talk about things over dinner when he came back, and I thought we could do that.  Then he brought up a swinger party that was going on here in town this weekend.  It was Halloween themed and did sound like a lot of fun.  He thought that would be a great environment for me and the new woman to meet, saying he knew we’d really like each other. 

I was a little concerned that we wouldn’t have a chance to have our talk FIRST, before jumping into the whole party scene, but it did sound like a good time.  Plus it would be a more easygoing way to meet her.  I agreed, since he was overseas, to reserve the hotel room (he said he would pay and normally wouldn’t ask me, but since he was so far away, I didn’t put it on a credit card or anything) for the three of us.  I also notified the hosts of the party that I would be bringing two people and reassured them they would be cool.

Since it was a Halloween party and only a few days away, there was also the concern of figuring out costumes.  I have a really cute little French Maid getup that I was thinking of wearing.  I said maybe somehow the three of us could coordinate.  He asked her and she said she had a ton of costumes, that maybe she could let me wear one of them.  Before I knew it she was offering to come by and show them to me. 

I was a little surprised that she would be willing to drive so far just to do that, and said it wasn’t a big deal if we matched or not, but agreed to let him give her my number so we could figure something out.  She lives about an hour and a half away, closer to where he stays when he comes down here (he had decided recently not to get the apartment near me, even though he’d already put down a deposit, and now I think it’s pretty obvious why).  She seemed really eager to meet me immediately.  In fact, she drove down that night.

He had sent me a few pictures of her, body parts first.  I was like, can I see her face please?  LOL  Men, sheesh,  how can I tell anything about a person from random body parts?  From the pictures she looked cute, not super pretty but average.  She was in fairly good shape, though heavier than I am.

He had already told me she was super bi and into women and that she and her ex used to play sometimes with other men because he was bisexual.  I didn’t really feel like getting fixed up or anything to see her though, so I didn’t. She had commented that she was getting her hair done beforehand, but I didn’t want to seem over competitive and spent more time on housecleaning than anything because my kids had made a mess and spilled popcorn everywhere.  I also had to get them to their dads and had a big ordeal with my oldest son that made us run pretty late. 

When she got in town she texted to ask if I had eaten and I hadn’t so she offered to buy me some Taco Bell and if I wanted to meet her there first.  So I drove around the corner to Taco Bell.  There weren’t many people inside and I knew right away which one she was.  She had asked what I wanted over text and was just bringing it over to the table when I walked in.

In person she looked older than I expected.  I guessed her to be in her early to mid 40’s and she had a few wrinkle lines on her face.  She was skinnier than she looked in the pictures but still had a bit of a tummy on her.  Her accent was pure country and she said she was originally from Nashville.  She was dressed up in a fancy blouse and big earrings.  It looked like she was trying hard to impress.   

I was a little bewildered that the Producer would be so into this woman.  At first sight she seemed nothing like his type.  His ex wife was a gorgeous Brazillian woman with a perfect butt.  There is another girl he has played with occasionally in my town and she is 20 years old and blonde and really pretty.  The other women he has shown me that he talks to or plays with have all been more attractive than this one.  I mean, she was still cute, but like I said, closer to average than gorgeous. Turns out she is the same age as I am, I was kind of surprised.

I was having a hard time imagining myself playing with her.  Not due so much to her looks as her kind of uptight seeming attitude.  I can be reserved at times too but my personality is more laid back. Her body language was tight and reserved and a bit schoolmarmish.  I thanked her for the food and sat down to eat and talk. 

She started in with the questions and came across a bit like an interviewer, asking me about my education and seeming to look down on me a bit when I said I only had a Bachelor’s degree.  She works in an optometrist’s office.  Her three kids are teenagers and she and her daughter don’t get along so the daughter has moved in with her father and they hadn’t talked for 6 months until recently.  I wondered how a parent could go that long without so much as talking to their child, even in the worst of circumstances, but kept my mouth shut.  After all, I have a difficult teenager too and I talked about him.

I was listening and slowly forming my opinions, wondering how on earth she and the Producer could ever get together.  They seemed to me to have absolutely nothing in common.  She’d been married twice, both times to abusive men, and apparently things were kind of bad with her most recent boyfriend too.  They had dated almost two years and she showed me a picture of him.  He was a rough looking white guy, a biker, and it honestly seemed she still liked him a bit despite his supposed abusiveness.

We talked more after we got back to my house and she told me she has never been with a black guy before.  Her mother was in shock and told her not to tell her dad, who is very racist.  She said her mom was cool with it but she was going to wait on telling her father until she was sure things were going to get more serious.

She had brought along a huge suitcase full of costumes, most of them never worn.  She said she just sees things and likes to buy them sometimes.  There were also lots of high heels.  As we discussed what to wear I suggested maybe we could be Playboy bunnies and have the Producer wear a silk robe, like Hugh Hefner.  I didn’t know if he had anything like that though and she said “are you kidding me?  He probably has piles of silk robes”.  Um, what?  LOL  Why would he have that?  But I didn’t comment.  I’ve been shopping with him before at Walmart and he bought clothes there.  He’s not really flashy like that with his clothing, though of course he does have money.

She seemed nice but still a little condescending.  Like she acted sorry for me that the Producer was in a relationship with her and that I had been “just” a FWB that developed “feelings” for him.  She was clearly trying to put me in my “place”, which I didn’t like. 

Anyhow, we finally decided that some of her clothes could be put together, with a little altering, to make a French maid outfit but that we’d include bunny ears.  I didn’t really like most of the rest of her costumes, not my style and wouldn’t make me look hot.  We also took a picture of ourselves (fully clothed and sitting on my bed) to send to the Producer, though at that time we figured he was probably still fast asleep.

She left and I was a little depressed.  I couldn’t really figure out what he saw in her and why he would think she was better than me.  I also didn’t get the impression she was nearly as “bi” as he claimed.  He had said she was really into women, but she told me that she was “willing” to play a little at places like a party.  She said she wasn’t into feelings or anything with women (of course neither am I so I didn’t really care about that).

I didn’t really tell the Producer my thoughts about her.  Just said it left me a little sad, honestly, speaking with her and he said maybe we should call off the party because he didn’t want me to feel bad in any way. He said they both felt really bad that I had been hurt by things.  I said that’s okay, I was sure the party would be fun and I just needed a couple days to adjust.

The next day though, I found out something that completely changed my mind.  He made some comment about how she only wanted him to play with other women if she was there with him and I was like, wait, hold up, does that include me??  Because that changes the whole ballgame.  He didn’t answer for a long time and I was getting anxious.  I finally was like ?? well?? 

He finally admitted that she had told him her one request was that he never play with another woman without her present, including myself.  He said it was very important to her that they only play together as a couple and she had agreed to do the same for him.  He said he was going to respect her wishes.

Oh hell no.  I wasn’t going to have her tagging along every time we had sex.  That completely went against what he had said about the relationship between him and I being just the same as it always has been.  If I can’t have alone time with him I am not going to do this.  He said she was okay with us going out together still, for dinner or to a movie, but no sex. 

FUCK THAT!!  OMG!!  Did he seriously think that was going to be okay with me?  I’m suddenly not “allowed” to have sex with him on our own any more?  Um, no.  That settles my decision that this is just not going to happen.  I asked, is SHE okay with never playing with you unless I am there??  Of course he wasn’t answering so I said I was going to text her and ask.  He told me not to do that but I did it anyway.

She gave me a very condescending little “lecture” over text about how they have a “relationship” and I was only sex to him, so it was different.  She told me maybe I needed to “back off” because she didn’t want someone with feelings for him hanging around. Meanwhile he was telling me that he really does have feelings for me but he wanted to go along with her wishes since he was trying to do this.  He tried to hint that if we had a slipup it would be okay as long as he told her afterwards.  Yeah, whatever, I was done.  I said I spent 13 years married to a man who wouldn’t sleep with me and I am NOT okay with dates that don’t include sex or a babysitter and forced threesomes. 

He was upset with me.  He couldn’t see why I wasn’t okay with this little arrangement.  I said are you kidding me?  You want me to just accept this?  I’m suddenly supposed to be fine with being the third wheel all the time?  Um, no.  I need my one on one time to connect, especially because we’d been seeing each other before she ever came along.

I said I was done with the both of them and since we weren’t going to be seeing each other anymore I would tell him the things I’d been afraid to upset him with before.  I said a real friend should tell you the red flags they see anyhow and I know you’ll think I’m just being a hater but I am going to throw them out there anyhow and you can make your own decisions.  I said this is what I want to leave you with so save it and come back to it someday to see if I am right. He said okay, talk to me.

I told him:

  1. Her family is racist. She’s never dated a black man before.  She said her mom was in shock she is seeing you and told her not to tell her dad.  I know you had a relationship recently where the family’s racism drove you apart and this is something you are going to have to live with for a really long time if you all get serious.
  2. ALL of her exes have been “abusive”, which is a red flag that she may someday be saying that about YOU.  Even if you know you’d never be abusive you did have that one incident where you hit your ex wife that has been haunting you (his ex still brings this up) and this woman might be someone that is so used to abuse she even tries to provoke you to hit her.
  3. She seems like she is trying to isolate you.  She’s already gotten you to completely drop the other women you were seeing and is trying to kick me out of the picture.  A lot of times emotionally abusive people will try and isolate you.  It’s very possible that someone who has been involved with abusive men could be emotionally abusive herself.  She talks down to me already.
  4. She has you getting involved in all of HER activities, martial arts, her church, her social group.  What about YOUR interests, why isn’t she accompanying you to any of those?  It seems like she is trying to change you.  She actually spent time preaching at me while I was there, telling me I should be in church again and that she is “really spiritual” despite admitting that swinging parties go completely against her church’s doctrine. 
  5. She seems really controlling, placing all these demands on you right off the bat.  If she’s like this now, how do you think she is going to be in a couple of years?  A woman who has respect for you is going to follow YOUR lead, not boss you around.

 

  1. I don’t know if I am right about this but she still seems interested in her ex boyfriend, the one she saw for 20 months.  She talked about him a lot and even showed me his picture.

 

  1. Why doesn’t her teenage daughter want to live with her?  Why would she prefer the “abusive” dad?  Even if they have a lot of issues, why would she go 6 months without talking to her?  As a mom that really rubs me the wrong way.  My own mother would do stuff like that but she abandoned us in a lot of other ways too.

 

Then I mentioned the comment about him probably having a lot of robes and that she apparently has some frivolous spending habits with all that stuff she buys but never wears. I reminded him that his ex was a gold digger and he might want to watch out for that to happen again.

He thanked me for my insights and agreed that they were things he should look into and some were very true.  Then a little while later he hits me back saying how could I criticize her about her daughter when I have an out of control son.  I said hey, no one is trying to get serious about and marry me but if they were I would be up front about that.  He is right, my son has a lot of issues but he also knows I love him more than anything in the world and would choose to live with me over anyplace else.  Even if he didn’t I wouldn’t go 6 months without speaking to him.

 

Okay, so then I get a LIVID message from her that he has FORWARDED my entire message to her.  She said I was lying and twisting things to my benefit.  That nothing I said was remotely true. I said, um no, you weren’t meant to see that but I stand behind what I said, it was an opinion based on what I have observed.  I asked why he texted that to her and he said he just wanted to ask her if it was true. 

 

He then texts me to blame me for causing all this “drama”.  He said he can’t believe he is having to deal with this kind of drama from two women when he is all the way overseas and that it’s worse than his ex who is in her mid 20’s or this 20 year old girl.  He was like I thought I was dealing with grown women that could be mature about this.  I said, nope, you caused the drama by SENDING HER my opinion, did you really think she wouldn’t get pissed??  That’s your people, you can deal with the repercussions of that!

 

At that point he was heading off on the plane to come home to the U.S. so I wished him a safe journey and said maybe he’d find a seatmate that wanted to listen to his woman troubles and offer advice, lol.  When he got back though, shit hit the fan because he was still trying to say he really just wished we could all go to the party together and I would agree to have her with him when we had sex.  Never…..

 

It finally got to the point where I blocked him again.  He just seems so brainwashed by this woman already.  WHAT the hell did she do to him??  I don’t get it at all!!  How could he be so bowled over by someone like her??  She must have some serious skills in some area or another!!  Is it in the bedroom?  I know she doesn’t give better blowjobs than me because he was just telling me that I am a head and shoulders above all the rest as far as that is concerned. 

 

Maybe he likes her because she is such a hit to his ego.  37 years and has never been with a black man and now she’s sooooo in love with him!  I admit I probably didn’t flatter his ego enough.  I held back in that regard and didn’t want to come across as to overeager.

 

The only other thing I can think of is that she is some kind of a master manipulator.  During our last argument he threw in my face that they are going on a cruise together for “their” birthday.  Apparently their birthdays are the same week and he said this means they are meant for each other.  He really seems to believe that bullshit too.  It’s amazing.  My ex husband and I were 4 days apart, big fucking deal.  I was like, well, it sure beats roses that didn’t mean anything to you and he said “you are trying to guilt trip me but it’s not working”.  Um, okay.  He then said I was twisting everything about her.  Apparently she’s really pulling some puppet strings because, no, I was being real.

 

In any case, it’s crazy seeing him act like such a fool over someone he’s only known a few weeks. He’s been totally snowed. Who decides to get all serious THAT quickly?  Seems like a train wreck waiting to happen, but it’s no longer any of my concern.

P.S. No clue why WordPress decided to number my paragraphs after #5 both #1 again. Maybe they think those are extra important, lol. 😉

Pissed at the Producer

Well folks, it looks like things have come to a halt with the Producer.  I was flaming mad for a few days and have finally calmed down a little bit.  Spending the night with my fuck buddy last night seemed to help a lot.  Gosh, I’d almost forgotten what a huge dick he has, lol.  It’s super thick, on top of being 9 inches long.  The Producer is always bragging about how thick HIS cock is (and it is) but after being with my fuck buddy again, well, it seems like it’s twice as wide. 

Anyhow, we had a great night, with a few rounds of sex and cuddling up to watch a movie, naked on his couch. As predicted, he went raw with me for the first time.  I don’t doubt that seeing that pic of me and the Producer, that he had gotten mad about because he wasn’t wearing a condom, had something to do with it.  He still wore a condom for the first couple rounds but one broke and we ran out of Magnums and tried to use another one on him that I had but it was tight.  He’s normally a real stickler about condoms, but we decided it would be okay for him to just pull out.  We slept all snuggled up and had more great sex in the morning before I left.  That’s also the first time, in almost a year and a half of seeing each other, that we have spent a full night together.

So back to the Producer.  Remember how great things were going with us?  At least that’s what I thought.  He had kept saying how sprung he was with me, was texting me frequently, calling “just to hear my voice”, seeing me twice a week when he came through, kept talking about how he wanted to take me to Vegas and go to parties that are a few months down the road, bought me roses and took me out on my Birthday, was saying how I give the best head he’s ever had in his life and what wonderful sex we have, and had recently met a couple of my kids.  He even bought us go-cart tickets that were like $250 worth of rides.  I was really feeling confident that he was “into” me.

I had gotten sick for a couple of weeks but he was still calling and texting and all seemed well when he took off overseas.  He had been in touch ever since, on Whatsapp, sexting and telling me about his trip. 

So imagine my surprise when he suddenly, out of the blue, messages me on there to drop the bomb.  He’s found a new woman, that he met on Match.com two weeks ago and they are developing “feelings” for each other.  He doesn’t want to drop me however, but to “include” me with the two of them, because “isn’t this crazy” she is bi and believes in an open relationship.

Um, excuse me?  WHAT THE FUCK?!  I was totally blindsided!! I’ve been seeing him for months and I’M the one that needs to be “included” like a little side piece?  Because he is developing feelings that apparently he never had for me?  WOW!!

I was FLOORED!!  OUCH! 😦 😦 😦  He approached it like it was some important thing he had to tell me and was like “I understand if you never want to talk to me again”. I said “so I got sick and you found someone else and now you want me to settle with second place….yeah, fuck off”.  He said okay and a few hours later sent me some bullshit poem about a “Ride or Die Chick”. I told him “go fuck yourself” and he laughed then said okay he would consider himself deleted. 

He said I was being hostile and that he had always treated me with respect and never treated me second class and that he had told this woman all about me.  He said he really talked me up and that he told her how much respect he had for me and my kids and that he had to include me in his life.  He added that we had always “gone beyond the friends situation” and that he wanted to continue to do so.

I told him there was nothing respectful about asking me to take a backseat because he fell in love with someone and to please never contact me again.  He started getting mad and said I was acting like a bitch.  He commented that I have all these men “on the side” so what am I talking about?  I was like “whatever, I never asked you to take a backseat to anyone, I don’t treat people that way.  I’ve also never called you out of your name.  I’m done, goodbye and good riddance”. 

He responded by telling me it was my fucking loss, that I am wack and left a voice message again saying I was acting like a bitch and telling me to fuck off.  Then he blocked (and later unblocked) me on Whatsapp.  I decided to block him after that and haven’t talked with him since.

My blood was boiling for a few days there.  I mean, he has some fucking NERVE trying to get me to hang around for scraps after he has decided he prefers someone else.  Add that I had told him a little bit about what happened with the married woman and the Professor and it was just adding insult to injury.  Unbelievable.

There is no way in HELL I want to put myself in a position where I am having to compete with another woman like that again.  I didn’t sign up to be the jumpoff.  They can both go jump off a fucking cliff!! 

After calming down a little bit, I can see that if he’d approached me differently I might not have been so upset, but it’s still not a position I want to be in.  Clearly he was envisioning bi threesomes and all kinds of fun, but um, I’ve TOLD him my big fear about threesomes with another woman is being left out.  How the heck would I feel being the unloved one in the group.  NO THANKS! 😦

What’s crazy is the day before he was going on about how I give the best head he’s ever had in his life and asking me to rate his sexual performance.  He said he wanted to be my number 1 and how close was he? “Be honest”. I finally said “you’re in the top ten” and he wasn’t satisfied with that.  So I was like well, probably the top 5.  (Reasoning that the Married man, then Mr Firm, then the Professor, followed by a tie between the Pilot and the Fuck Buddy might get him there).  He still wasn’t liking it and I said that wasn’t fair because I don’t ask him to rate me.  So he claimed I am his #1 head giver and #3 otherwise.  I was like “only #3?” and he said that was because there was a 3 way tie and if he ranked alphabetically.  Yeah, whatever…. but I think it’s kind of fucked up that if he likes the sex that much he would try and fuck it up by announcing that he was in love with some bitch he has known for all of TWO WEEKS???  How do you fall “in love” that fast anyway? 

I don’t know but I am kind of in an emotional mess over it.  It seems like the minute I dropped my guard and started to let him in, he turned on me!  That seems to happen far too frequently with men. 😦  Makes me think none of them are trustworthy at all.  It’s like the minute you start to let them know you actually like them they decide it’s time to stick a knife in your back.  Fuck him!  Or rather not, I don’t know that I could ever go there again, I feel so disrespected. He wants to make ME the secondary?  Really?  To some woman he just met??  Isn’t that backwards????  Shouldn’t he be putting ME first? What’s messed up is I thought I was doing everything right, never causing drama, giving great blowjobs, trying to keep it all positive and my reward is getting knocked to the side….nice. 

I am so fucking offended it is hard to get over it.  Thank God for my Fuck Buddy or I think I’d hate all men right now.  He is my lifesaver. 🙂

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Stood up!!

stood-up

Sad to say this, but apparently the man I used to call the “love of my life” has now joined the ranks of the biggest losers.  He stood me up this weekend in a rather cruel way.  Makes me wonder if he felt some sort of need to get revenge for something I have done.  Only I can’t imagine what?  The only thing I seem to have failed at with him was not giving him enough attention the past several months.  Perhaps due to his narcissism this made him angry.  I really can’t say.

We hadn’t been talking much lately.  Now and again I’d get a random text from him saying he misses me, and I would respond in kind but we hadn’t planned any get togethers.  It’s been something like 9 months since we last had sex or saw one another. 

On my birthday he texted me.  It was sweet, he said he wished he were here to enjoy it with me.  A few days later I got another text.  This time he was inviting me to a concert.  He said a friend had given him their tickets because they couldn’t go and he had an extra one. 

I was thrilled because, unbeknownst to him I was going to be in his town anyway!  I was driving up to see family and had meant to text him and let him know but hadn’t done it yet.  So when I told him this and that my sister would likely be able to babysit he sounded excited that I’d said yes.  He emphasized that even if I wasn’t able to go to the concert with him he REALLY wanted to see me. 

The concert was for an old school singer whose music I love, and I know he does too.  It was an all white event and both of us were going to have to find something to wear.  Being that it was nearly Labor Day I figured I’d be able to find something on sale.  After telling me the details of where and what time it was and how we needed to dress, he disappeared.

That was the last I heard of him.  I assumed he was working.  He tends to be really slow responding to texts and constantly busy so I didn’t think much of it at first.  I texted him a few times, mostly thanking him, and letting him know how stoked I was that he had invited me to come along! 

Then I set off to find a dress.  I found a darling little white sundress on clearance sale for $15 at the mall and some really cute shoes (used but in fantastic condition and a normally expensive brand) for $9.  The dress didn’t require a bra, since it has a bit of one built in.  I was thankful for that, having nothing strapless and white to wear otherwise.  I got some white flower pins for my hair and a cute white bracelet and earrings.

white dress

white shoes

 

I texted to let him know I’d found some things, because he’d expressed that he needed to find white clothing as well.  No response, but I still wasn’t too worried.  The concert was the next evening so I only had one day to look and get ready to drive his way.  I even decided to swing by a tanning booth since I haven’t been in the sun much lately and I wanted my color to look good with the dress.  I decided on sparkly gold nail polish for both fingers and toes.

By the next morning, when I was getting ready to leave town with the kids, I still hadn’t heard from him.  By now I was getting a little worried but trying not to stress.  We’ve had big blow outs in the past because I’d over-reacted (or so he says) to him not responding to texts when he’s busy with working.  He always says that if he hasn’t responded then nothing has changed and that he is a man of his word and his feelings don’t change that quickly, so not to flip. 

We’ve worked a LOT on this kind of stuff in the past.  I mean, we were seeing each other and in an emotional relationship for 4 years.  Our affair lasted two years during the end of my marriage and carried on over two years after that before it started to dwindle.  He knows all too well that being stood up is a HUGE pet peeve of mine and that I tend to panic if I have any reason to believe plans are going to be changed at the last minute. 

That’s what is really fucked up about all this.  He knows me and knows my trigger points probably better than anyone on the planet.  He knows all too well about my abandonment issues, and over the years that I’ve really been trying hard to work on them.  So I finally texted that I was starting to feel anxious and stressed but that I was going to try not to worry and looked forward to hearing back from him soon. 

I let him know I was on my way to town and was looking forward to seeing him when I arrived, that I’d be at my sister’s house.  His cousin and my sister have a child together, so in that sense we are practically related and I’ve known him since we were kids.  I reasoned that everything was probably fine and was proud of myself for not going overboard or getting angry with him for his lack of response.  I was trying to remain calm.

All to no avail.  I arrived and showered and got ready for the concert but still no word from him.  I had an awful feeling in the pit of my stomach and just knew he wasn’t going to show.  I didn’t put on my new dress and I told my sister what was up.  She was like “yeah, if he hasn’t responded by NOW, he’s probably not coming”. 

Wow. Just wow.  I couldn’t believe he would do this.  My sister said yeah, but what do you expect from the men in that family anyway?  I had to acknowledge that there is some truth to that.  I dated one of his half- brothers long ago and he stood me up constantly.  I just wanted to believe he was better than that.  Sure enough, he never showed and I haven’t heard a peep out of him.

I guess he must have invited someone else instead but the least he could have done was make up some stupid lame excuse.  I’d rather hear one of those, and maybe even be lied to, than stood up like that.  It was cruel.  My sister said the same thing, and so did Mr. Firm when I told him.  The Producer said I shouldn’t be hanging around lame ass bustas like that, haha and I even told the Pilot (we’ve been texting back and forth a bit, but no plans to get together again or anything as of now).

The Producer says he will take me out and I can wear my new white dress. 😀 At least I know he will most likely follow through! For my birthday he took me out to an expensive steak house and for a couples massage and had bought me roses and a card as well. He went to a white linen party himself recently and bought white clothes for that too so we could even match, lol. Mr. Firm thought it was pretty fucked up too and said I should send HIM a pic of myself in the dress.

 

I commented to the Pilot “see why I am so sensitive about stuff like that?” and he said “I can understand that but I didn’t have you come all the way up here and change my mind”…which is true.  At least he gave me that much respect and in that sense his behavior is more forgivable.  Thank God I didn’t make a trip up there JUST for that or I would be pissed beyond belief.  I was coming up anyhow to get my hair done by my sis and hang out with the fam.  I’d also made tentative plans with Mr. Firm for the following day.

As it is though, I was mad enough to text him to never bother contacting me again.  I left it at that and said have fun at the concert.  What an ass.  I am so done with him and compared to the hot sex I ended up having with Mr. Firm the next day, he’s really not looking like he was ever much of a catch anyhow.

OMG.  Mr. Firm was beyond fabulous in bed.  He drove up at lunchtime (he’s 30 minutes away from my hometown) and got a cheap motel.  I’d just had my hair done and couldn’t get all the dye off my head but he was cool about that, lmao.  He said the same thing happens to him when he colors his goatee.  He must have gray hairs in it or something, lol.

WOW, did my time with him ever make me feel better!!  😀  I think he has surpassed even the Professor in the bedroom.  He’s almost up there with Mr. Married Man and is probably my second most favorite ever.  I loved every minute of it!!  We fucked twice and were in there for two hours.

He’d told me beforehand to come in the back door because the front desk staff was being nosy about his checking out a room during that time of day.  I’m pretty sure by the time I left there was absolutely nothing left to their imaginations as to what we’d been doing, lmao!  He even said he saw a shadow on the wall from someone standing in front of the door for quite some time while we were having sex, though it was gone by the time we’d finished. 

I was trying to be quiet but it was impossible, lmao, and he was like “just let it go”. 😉  Oh my God, he is good!!!  There is no doubt in my mind that he has had LOTS of practice, haha. 

He texted me afterwards. “That was great.  You fuck me just the way I like.  Amazing.”  He even commented a couple more times how freaking great it was and how he loves the way I fuck.  Apparently it was good for him too!  I have no idea why and it still baffles me that men say that when I don’t feel like I do anything special in bed, but I am thrilled that he likes it!!  Haha

Nothing like getting under one man to get over another.  Soooo glad I had someone to fall back on, because it really did help.  I’m ready to forget the guy I had the affair with and move on.  So much for that.  Unbelievable that he would stoop that low but unless he’s dead or something there really isn’t a good enough excuse.

 

 

Was I wrong?

Tonight I am questioning myself and the conclusions I jumped to regarding the Pilot.  Maybe I was wrong.  Maybe he really was telling the truth and I assumed the worst about him.  If so, then I was totally unfair. 

Yes, he did sign up for a party right after cancelling on me but his excuse, that I had blocked him or he wouldn’t have done it, may have been a valid one.  He may have reacted to my actions with anger and signed up to spite me.  Not very nice but then neither was deleting our profile we had just created.  That cost him money too. :/

We haven’t spoken but I’m debating apologizing to him.  Even if I was RIGHT then I probably shouldn’t have called him an asshole.  To be fair he didn’t react in kind. 

I’m not saying I’m okay with being cancelled on at the last minute, but it was a first time offense.  He’s never done anything else to piss me off before and actually seemed to like me quite a bit.  That may have changed now and I’m not expecting anything to go back the way it was but I’m thinking the right thing may be to apologize anyhow.

A couple things got me thinking in that direction and one was my date with the Producer last night.  He took me out to a bar that is run by some swingers here in town and we were chatting when the topic came up about what had happened with the Pilot.  Even though he was jealous of him before he was like you STILL haven’t forgiven him for that?  He said I was “harsh” and he wouldn’t want to be on my bad side, that he was going to try and avoid pissing me off, haha.

Then tonight, the Married Man texted me wanting to hook up.  His wife is out of town and if you all recall, the last time this happened he stood me up and I got pretty pissed at him.  Nevertheless, he’s too amazing in bed to stay mad at for long and I finally agreed to try and work with him on some last minute plans.  Okay, if I can forgive him repeatedly (because he’s pulled this crap several times), how can I be so angry with the Pilot for doing the same thing?

Well, guess what happened with Mr. Married Man?  He cancelled on me AGAIN!  Only this time I actually believe it was for a legit reason.  He got injured playing ball and cut his mouth open and said his tooth almost went through his lip.  He was texting me pics of it and asking what he could do to stop the bleeding.  It was actually kind of cute because he seemed to think I was going to know what to do and kept asking me questions.  What does he think I am, a nurse?  LMAO.  Fortunately I did know how to help because I have some very active boys and have spent far too much time in the ER. 

After things settled down a bit and he told me he was in so much pain he wanted to cry, he says he wouldn’t be able to go down on me if I came up and sent me a sad face.  He said he wanted to be able to satisfy my whole body and not just with his dick if I was going to travel all that way (he lives near the Pilot).  He was like “I am soo sorry”, and this time I feel like it was sincere.  I mean, sometimes people really do just feel “not up to” having sex and want to give you their best.  It’s possible that could really have been the case with the Pilot.

I know some of you all on my blog were questioning too.  I don’t know.  Maybe I should just suck it up and say I am sorry.  Of course from there he could still be really pissed or unforgiving but I guess the outcome isn’t really what matters.  My biggest concern with that is that he really WAS being an ass and then I am making a fool of myself or letting him take advantage of me, but if it ever happened again then I guess I would know.  Seriously considering it.  I feel bad for blowing up at him.

While I was mad at the Pilot, I spent a little time talking to the Professor.  He says he misses me.  He made some comment about me not believing him about things that made me wonder if I’m extra suspicious.  I know I’m not the most trusting person on earth.  I’ve been lied to way too many times. 

Anyhow, he sounds sad, and says he really hasn’t played much since he was with me.  He said only with some people he knew before and once at a party he went to but acted like none of it was that great.  According to him he’s only been with that married woman once this entire year, the time we got in an argument.  I told him a little about the Pilot and what happened because he knew about our couples profile and that I’d been to a party with someone.  He seemed a bit jealous that I have been going out and getting laid more than he says he has.

Then he was sending me pics of what he ate for dinner, lobster and some kind of avocado and tomato salad and telling me he was thinking of me when he made it. I do love my avocadoes and raw tomatoes, lol.  We haven’t talked a whole lot since.  He keeps saying he misses me but he’s not making any moves to get me back in bed. 

I talked with my fuck buddy recently for a bit and we even discussed the possibility of going to a party together.   Not sure if we will do that but looking forward to sex with him again, it’s been awhile. He has started bringing up anal though and I can’t say I’m all that excited about that.  It’s like seriously, the guy with the huge 9 inch, thick cock just HAS to be the one that wants to fuck me in the ass, lol.  I was like your dick is way too big for that kind of activity!   Of course he claims his ex- wife hated it at first but then got used to it and would ride him reverse cowgirl anal and he loved it.  Sigh….

Actually, lately, the person I’ve been seeing the most of is the Producer.  He’s been coming through here about twice a week.  I haven’t really been pushing the gold digging thing but he seems quite happy to offer things on his own.  He says he wants to take me to Vegas with him in the fall and then maybe on a cruise in the Bahamas.  Hey, I can handle that! 😉 

Each time we meet up he makes sure to take me out and do SOMETHING with me so that is fun. He says he doesn’t want it to be “just sex”.  He’s also talking about doing something special for my birthday next month, so we will see.

Once he brought up wanting a threesome with this woman he says he has slept with here before.  She is like 21 and blonde and he sent me pics and I’m wondering why the hell he always wants to see ME instead of her then when he is here, but whatever.  He keeps saying what incredible pussy I have.  I can’t help that. 😉  He’s like, “it’s just sooo SOFT and wet and hot and GOOD”.  He says he can’t believe I’ve had kids. Yeah…  well, what can I say?  LMAO  (Other than one of my kids was 9 ½ lbs with a big head and I had them all natural, guess it hasn’t damaged THAT area too badly anyway).

He’s still bent on becoming the “best sex ever” for me and wants me to rate his performance afterwards and tell him what a big dick he has all the time, but whatever, I guess I can oblige that, haha.  Shaking my head…. The sex isn’t bad.  It’s not off the charts spectacular but it’s still fun!! 

When we were at the bar last night we met a single woman that we struck up a conversation with and she and I exchanged numbers.  This is more likely a hangout thing than a sex thing, though she was having an issue with being in a fight with a current lover while her fuck buddy on the side cancelled for the night.  She seems like she might be fun though, so you never know. We were texting a bit back and forth last night but I was decidedly tipsy.  I also sent a drunk I miss you text to the Professor. He said he misses me too and sent a sad face.  :/  Dangit I’m just all kinds of confused right now.

 

Rock bottom

depression04

Well, if I was sinking low before, now I’ve pretty much hit rock bottom.  The only way from here is up, right? :/   Please say yes.

The past couple of days have been an emotional nightmare.  First, the married man got me all excited about a meeting with him and then let me down.  Following that, I discovered, last night, that the Professor has for sure been fucking someone new and they are all excited about each other.

I shouldn’t have looked at his profile.  I’ve resisted the temptation for the better part of the past 5 weeks, but took a peek once or twice before.  Last night, I saw that he’d received a new validation and he happened to be offline so I went to take a look (disabling the feature that would let him see I’d been there).  Sure enough, a woman that says she has known him awhile, just now got to know him “much better” and that he is quite the “lady pleaser”.   She wrote that like a week ago.

I wanted to throw up, or maybe kill myself.  I’m not even joking, but I wouldn’t do it because I love my kids.  You don’t have to worry about Lovergirl offing herself but the feeling was definitely there, the thoughts.  My heart sunk to my knees.  I went to look at her profile and his comments about her and he called her “hot”, which he hadn’t said about me on mine (though he did about the married lady).  All he said about me was that I am not as shy as I appear, which again feels like an underhanded insult.  I’m not really shy but I’m very sensitive to people’s perceptions and his making me feel that way at swinger parties inhibited me from acting like myself.

This woman is married too, and tiny, like under 100 lbs and very short.  So was the married lady.  He would refer to me as “tall” though I’m only 5’6” and now that really feels like an insult, like I’m some kind of a giant.  Not only is she smaller and skinnier but she’s 6 years younger than me, blonde, married and lives nearby.  It’s definitely the nail in the coffin.  I could never get naked in front of him again after seeing all that and his use of exclamation points when referring to her as “hot!!!”  Makes me feel like he must have never been that attracted to me or my body.  I’m wishing now that I’d never given him that video of me masturbating for his birthday or let him videotape us during sex.  I feel so old and ugly and fat.

In any case, at least I know now that there is absolutely no hope of reconciliation.  It’s pretty obvious I never meant shit to him.  It hurts like hell and from now on I need to proceed as though he were dead to me.  Dead.  I almost wish he were.  It might be easier than facing this kind of rejection.

Wanna hear what happened with the married man? He contacted me earlier in the week saying his wife was going to be out of town and he wanted to get together.  Awesome, right?  We are talking about the best sex of my life here!!  He’d mentioned that the week before when I was in town too, saying it would be easier for him then because she’d be gone.

Okay, so I was willing to make accommodations and try to get up that way again, for him.  I worked things out so that I could head up there Friday night.  He had offered to help with gas.  My ex was going to take the kids.  It all seemed great.

Earlier in the day Friday, he texts and asks if I’m up for a threesome.  I asked with who and he didn’t have a picture but described his “friend” as a slim, 21 yr old, dark skinned, girl with a round butt” and said she was into females.  I said okay, thinking, if I am going to have a FMF threesome he’d definitely be the person to do that with.  He’s excellent in the sack and I know no one would leave disappointed.

Well, all seemed well but then he didn’t text for several hours and before I was getting ready to take my kids to their dad’s I texted to make sure we were still on.  He didn’t answer for a long time and I said I need to know for sure before dropping off my kids.  Then he texts and says sorry he was working but did I still need money for gas?

I said yes and he asked if it was okay to do half and I said yes, anything would help, even though he acts normally like he has plenty of money.  He’s the same guy that was offering me $3,000 a month to have his baby.  I’m thinking this is weird, but okay.  I asked if the other girl was still coming and he said no it would just be me and him.  Not a big deal.  Then he wanted to know if I was staying the night and I said I could if he wanted me to.  He was like “give me 10 min and I will call you”.

Then……NOTHING.  I was sitting here waiting to either take my kids or not, because if I took them and he cancelled that would leave me with no time to schedule with anyone new, and no free time other than that all weekend.   If I was going to see him, I’d have to get going pretty soon, since it is a long drive.

I waited about 30 min and then texted and said sorry I don’t mean to be pushy or anything but I need to know soon because of the situation with my kids or it could potentially ruin my entire weekend.  Nothing, no answer.  Thirty minutes later I texted him again “???”  Still nothing.  Finally I was like, “fucked up, wow” and cancelled with my kids dad.

About an hour and a half later I was working out at the gym and get a text from the married man claiming “I am sorry, I left my phone in the car and thought I had it with me”.  Please!!  Give me a fucking break!!  Does he think I’m retarded??  WTF?  I ignored his text and 30 minutes later he sent me another one “I take it I f’ed up”.  Yeah, dude, you fucked up.  I’m not even sure your sexual prowess is going to make up for that one this time.

It’s NOT the first time he’s done something like that either.  It’s like the 3rd, or maybe 4th.  The other times I let slide because I figured it had something to do with him being married, plus he’s so freaking good in bed!  But now his wife was out of town and that was just downright disrespectful.

My best guess is that he had a bunch of options for who he was going to sleep with and someone closer or maybe that he liked better followed through so he had no need of meeting me or paying for my gas or any of the extra that would entail since I live farther away.  Still, the very least he could have done was let me know SOONER THAN THAT and not leave me hanging.  Being left hanging makes me so anxious and stressed.  It’s so FUCKING RUDE.  So at this point, yeah, I may even be done with HIM forever.

My vibrator is starting to look like a way better option than sex right now.  Dealing with men’s bullshit is just getting beyond what I can bear.  I feel like becoming a nun.  A nun with a vibrator, lol.  I’m not willing to give THAT up.  At least I can still get off, even if I end up with a houseful of cats.

Anyway, I’m feeling like crap but I didn’t want to mope, so after all that and most especially after reading the stuff about the Prof, I decided what the hell I will throw out a Craigslist ad.  I have looked on the swinger site and actually had three different guys who wanted to meet with me this weekend from there but I had avoided responding because of the married man and plans with him.  So I guess in a way I did something similar to what he did to me, only I didn’t leave them hanging at the last minute, which is important. VERY FUCKING IMPORTANT, sheesh!

SO my Craigslist ad, yielded quite a few results.  I put in there that I wanted a man who knows his way around the bedroom and a woman’s body.  One of my first responders was a super- hot, black Puerto Rican (that’s what he calls himself, he looks kinda mixed) man who just moved here (he is military) from Alaska.  He’s 38 and seems really nice and cool so far and we have a date planned for tonight.  I like that he wants to take me out for a meal first even after my NSA sex ad.  Good deal and a sign that he’s maybe not a total asshole and is a gentleman.  Hoping he’s also good in bed!!  Wish me luck!!

After agreeing to that I have gotten a couple other men that actually interested me who also responded.  Lots of emails of course and my ad was flagged, but it took longer than usual.  Anyhow, one of the guys sounds promising and is trying to convince me to drop my date tonight but I don’t want to disrespect Mr. Hot Puerto Rican so I told him maybe another night.

So maybe this little blitz will yield some new fun results.  I did find my fuck buddy off Craigslist after all and he’s pretty much my saving grace at the moment, the only guy that is keeping me from becoming a total man hater.  He’s cool as a cucumber and the sex is great and he’s never disrespectful or hurtful, even though we aren’t emotionally connected.  Makes it seem like men in general just suck in the feelings/love/relationship department, but what else is new?  😛  Maybe I do too. 😦