In my last blog post I was pissed at the Producer and hurt and had no intention of continuing anything with him. I finally calmed down a bit and thought, okay, maybe I can do this. Maybe, if he is really wanting to continue seeing me, like he was saying he had insisted to the other woman, and would be willing to keep treating me the same way he has been, then it wouldn’t be so bad. I mean, isn’t that what “open relationships” are supposed to be about?
He was, at this point, in Amsterdam, so still couldn’t talk to me until I unblocked him from Whatsapp. I decided to do so and told him that maybe I had overreacted. He was very happy. He said that I meant a lot to him and he couldn’t just turn relationships off and on like a light switch, that he isn’t that kind of guy. According to him he’d been telling this woman how hurt he was that I wouldn’t talk with him and that he felt like he was losing our friendship.
From there things moved very quickly. He had said he would like to take me out and talk about things over dinner when he came back, and I thought we could do that. Then he brought up a swinger party that was going on here in town this weekend. It was Halloween themed and did sound like a lot of fun. He thought that would be a great environment for me and the new woman to meet, saying he knew we’d really like each other.
I was a little concerned that we wouldn’t have a chance to have our talk FIRST, before jumping into the whole party scene, but it did sound like a good time. Plus it would be a more easygoing way to meet her. I agreed, since he was overseas, to reserve the hotel room (he said he would pay and normally wouldn’t ask me, but since he was so far away, I didn’t put it on a credit card or anything) for the three of us. I also notified the hosts of the party that I would be bringing two people and reassured them they would be cool.
Since it was a Halloween party and only a few days away, there was also the concern of figuring out costumes. I have a really cute little French Maid getup that I was thinking of wearing. I said maybe somehow the three of us could coordinate. He asked her and she said she had a ton of costumes, that maybe she could let me wear one of them. Before I knew it she was offering to come by and show them to me.
I was a little surprised that she would be willing to drive so far just to do that, and said it wasn’t a big deal if we matched or not, but agreed to let him give her my number so we could figure something out. She lives about an hour and a half away, closer to where he stays when he comes down here (he had decided recently not to get the apartment near me, even though he’d already put down a deposit, and now I think it’s pretty obvious why). She seemed really eager to meet me immediately. In fact, she drove down that night.
He had sent me a few pictures of her, body parts first. I was like, can I see her face please? LOL Men, sheesh, how can I tell anything about a person from random body parts? From the pictures she looked cute, not super pretty but average. She was in fairly good shape, though heavier than I am.
He had already told me she was super bi and into women and that she and her ex used to play sometimes with other men because he was bisexual. I didn’t really feel like getting fixed up or anything to see her though, so I didn’t. She had commented that she was getting her hair done beforehand, but I didn’t want to seem over competitive and spent more time on housecleaning than anything because my kids had made a mess and spilled popcorn everywhere. I also had to get them to their dads and had a big ordeal with my oldest son that made us run pretty late.
When she got in town she texted to ask if I had eaten and I hadn’t so she offered to buy me some Taco Bell and if I wanted to meet her there first. So I drove around the corner to Taco Bell. There weren’t many people inside and I knew right away which one she was. She had asked what I wanted over text and was just bringing it over to the table when I walked in.
In person she looked older than I expected. I guessed her to be in her early to mid 40’s and she had a few wrinkle lines on her face. She was skinnier than she looked in the pictures but still had a bit of a tummy on her. Her accent was pure country and she said she was originally from Nashville. She was dressed up in a fancy blouse and big earrings. It looked like she was trying hard to impress.
I was a little bewildered that the Producer would be so into this woman. At first sight she seemed nothing like his type. His ex wife was a gorgeous Brazillian woman with a perfect butt. There is another girl he has played with occasionally in my town and she is 20 years old and blonde and really pretty. The other women he has shown me that he talks to or plays with have all been more attractive than this one. I mean, she was still cute, but like I said, closer to average than gorgeous. Turns out she is the same age as I am, I was kind of surprised.
I was having a hard time imagining myself playing with her. Not due so much to her looks as her kind of uptight seeming attitude. I can be reserved at times too but my personality is more laid back. Her body language was tight and reserved and a bit schoolmarmish. I thanked her for the food and sat down to eat and talk.
She started in with the questions and came across a bit like an interviewer, asking me about my education and seeming to look down on me a bit when I said I only had a Bachelor’s degree. She works in an optometrist’s office. Her three kids are teenagers and she and her daughter don’t get along so the daughter has moved in with her father and they hadn’t talked for 6 months until recently. I wondered how a parent could go that long without so much as talking to their child, even in the worst of circumstances, but kept my mouth shut. After all, I have a difficult teenager too and I talked about him.
I was listening and slowly forming my opinions, wondering how on earth she and the Producer could ever get together. They seemed to me to have absolutely nothing in common. She’d been married twice, both times to abusive men, and apparently things were kind of bad with her most recent boyfriend too. They had dated almost two years and she showed me a picture of him. He was a rough looking white guy, a biker, and it honestly seemed she still liked him a bit despite his supposed abusiveness.
We talked more after we got back to my house and she told me she has never been with a black guy before. Her mother was in shock and told her not to tell her dad, who is very racist. She said her mom was cool with it but she was going to wait on telling her father until she was sure things were going to get more serious.
She had brought along a huge suitcase full of costumes, most of them never worn. She said she just sees things and likes to buy them sometimes. There were also lots of high heels. As we discussed what to wear I suggested maybe we could be Playboy bunnies and have the Producer wear a silk robe, like Hugh Hefner. I didn’t know if he had anything like that though and she said “are you kidding me? He probably has piles of silk robes”. Um, what? LOL Why would he have that? But I didn’t comment. I’ve been shopping with him before at Walmart and he bought clothes there. He’s not really flashy like that with his clothing, though of course he does have money.
She seemed nice but still a little condescending. Like she acted sorry for me that the Producer was in a relationship with her and that I had been “just” a FWB that developed “feelings” for him. She was clearly trying to put me in my “place”, which I didn’t like.
Anyhow, we finally decided that some of her clothes could be put together, with a little altering, to make a French maid outfit but that we’d include bunny ears. I didn’t really like most of the rest of her costumes, not my style and wouldn’t make me look hot. We also took a picture of ourselves (fully clothed and sitting on my bed) to send to the Producer, though at that time we figured he was probably still fast asleep.
She left and I was a little depressed. I couldn’t really figure out what he saw in her and why he would think she was better than me. I also didn’t get the impression she was nearly as “bi” as he claimed. He had said she was really into women, but she told me that she was “willing” to play a little at places like a party. She said she wasn’t into feelings or anything with women (of course neither am I so I didn’t really care about that).
I didn’t really tell the Producer my thoughts about her. Just said it left me a little sad, honestly, speaking with her and he said maybe we should call off the party because he didn’t want me to feel bad in any way. He said they both felt really bad that I had been hurt by things. I said that’s okay, I was sure the party would be fun and I just needed a couple days to adjust.
The next day though, I found out something that completely changed my mind. He made some comment about how she only wanted him to play with other women if she was there with him and I was like, wait, hold up, does that include me?? Because that changes the whole ballgame. He didn’t answer for a long time and I was getting anxious. I finally was like ?? well??
He finally admitted that she had told him her one request was that he never play with another woman without her present, including myself. He said it was very important to her that they only play together as a couple and she had agreed to do the same for him. He said he was going to respect her wishes.
Oh hell no. I wasn’t going to have her tagging along every time we had sex. That completely went against what he had said about the relationship between him and I being just the same as it always has been. If I can’t have alone time with him I am not going to do this. He said she was okay with us going out together still, for dinner or to a movie, but no sex.
FUCK THAT!! OMG!! Did he seriously think that was going to be okay with me? I’m suddenly not “allowed” to have sex with him on our own any more? Um, no. That settles my decision that this is just not going to happen. I asked, is SHE okay with never playing with you unless I am there?? Of course he wasn’t answering so I said I was going to text her and ask. He told me not to do that but I did it anyway.
She gave me a very condescending little “lecture” over text about how they have a “relationship” and I was only sex to him, so it was different. She told me maybe I needed to “back off” because she didn’t want someone with feelings for him hanging around. Meanwhile he was telling me that he really does have feelings for me but he wanted to go along with her wishes since he was trying to do this. He tried to hint that if we had a slipup it would be okay as long as he told her afterwards. Yeah, whatever, I was done. I said I spent 13 years married to a man who wouldn’t sleep with me and I am NOT okay with dates that don’t include sex or a babysitter and forced threesomes.
He was upset with me. He couldn’t see why I wasn’t okay with this little arrangement. I said are you kidding me? You want me to just accept this? I’m suddenly supposed to be fine with being the third wheel all the time? Um, no. I need my one on one time to connect, especially because we’d been seeing each other before she ever came along.
I said I was done with the both of them and since we weren’t going to be seeing each other anymore I would tell him the things I’d been afraid to upset him with before. I said a real friend should tell you the red flags they see anyhow and I know you’ll think I’m just being a hater but I am going to throw them out there anyhow and you can make your own decisions. I said this is what I want to leave you with so save it and come back to it someday to see if I am right. He said okay, talk to me.
I told him:
- Her family is racist. She’s never dated a black man before. She said her mom was in shock she is seeing you and told her not to tell her dad. I know you had a relationship recently where the family’s racism drove you apart and this is something you are going to have to live with for a really long time if you all get serious.
- ALL of her exes have been “abusive”, which is a red flag that she may someday be saying that about YOU. Even if you know you’d never be abusive you did have that one incident where you hit your ex wife that has been haunting you (his ex still brings this up) and this woman might be someone that is so used to abuse she even tries to provoke you to hit her.
- She seems like she is trying to isolate you. She’s already gotten you to completely drop the other women you were seeing and is trying to kick me out of the picture. A lot of times emotionally abusive people will try and isolate you. It’s very possible that someone who has been involved with abusive men could be emotionally abusive herself. She talks down to me already.
- She has you getting involved in all of HER activities, martial arts, her church, her social group. What about YOUR interests, why isn’t she accompanying you to any of those? It seems like she is trying to change you. She actually spent time preaching at me while I was there, telling me I should be in church again and that she is “really spiritual” despite admitting that swinging parties go completely against her church’s doctrine.
- She seems really controlling, placing all these demands on you right off the bat. If she’s like this now, how do you think she is going to be in a couple of years? A woman who has respect for you is going to follow YOUR lead, not boss you around.
- I don’t know if I am right about this but she still seems interested in her ex boyfriend, the one she saw for 20 months. She talked about him a lot and even showed me his picture.
- Why doesn’t her teenage daughter want to live with her? Why would she prefer the “abusive” dad? Even if they have a lot of issues, why would she go 6 months without talking to her? As a mom that really rubs me the wrong way. My own mother would do stuff like that but she abandoned us in a lot of other ways too.
Then I mentioned the comment about him probably having a lot of robes and that she apparently has some frivolous spending habits with all that stuff she buys but never wears. I reminded him that his ex was a gold digger and he might want to watch out for that to happen again.
He thanked me for my insights and agreed that they were things he should look into and some were very true. Then a little while later he hits me back saying how could I criticize her about her daughter when I have an out of control son. I said hey, no one is trying to get serious about and marry me but if they were I would be up front about that. He is right, my son has a lot of issues but he also knows I love him more than anything in the world and would choose to live with me over anyplace else. Even if he didn’t I wouldn’t go 6 months without speaking to him.
Okay, so then I get a LIVID message from her that he has FORWARDED my entire message to her. She said I was lying and twisting things to my benefit. That nothing I said was remotely true. I said, um no, you weren’t meant to see that but I stand behind what I said, it was an opinion based on what I have observed. I asked why he texted that to her and he said he just wanted to ask her if it was true.
He then texts me to blame me for causing all this “drama”. He said he can’t believe he is having to deal with this kind of drama from two women when he is all the way overseas and that it’s worse than his ex who is in her mid 20’s or this 20 year old girl. He was like I thought I was dealing with grown women that could be mature about this. I said, nope, you caused the drama by SENDING HER my opinion, did you really think she wouldn’t get pissed?? That’s your people, you can deal with the repercussions of that!
At that point he was heading off on the plane to come home to the U.S. so I wished him a safe journey and said maybe he’d find a seatmate that wanted to listen to his woman troubles and offer advice, lol. When he got back though, shit hit the fan because he was still trying to say he really just wished we could all go to the party together and I would agree to have her with him when we had sex. Never…..
It finally got to the point where I blocked him again. He just seems so brainwashed by this woman already. WHAT the hell did she do to him?? I don’t get it at all!! How could he be so bowled over by someone like her?? She must have some serious skills in some area or another!! Is it in the bedroom? I know she doesn’t give better blowjobs than me because he was just telling me that I am a head and shoulders above all the rest as far as that is concerned.
Maybe he likes her because she is such a hit to his ego. 37 years and has never been with a black man and now she’s sooooo in love with him! I admit I probably didn’t flatter his ego enough. I held back in that regard and didn’t want to come across as to overeager.
The only other thing I can think of is that she is some kind of a master manipulator. During our last argument he threw in my face that they are going on a cruise together for “their” birthday. Apparently their birthdays are the same week and he said this means they are meant for each other. He really seems to believe that bullshit too. It’s amazing. My ex husband and I were 4 days apart, big fucking deal. I was like, well, it sure beats roses that didn’t mean anything to you and he said “you are trying to guilt trip me but it’s not working”. Um, okay. He then said I was twisting everything about her. Apparently she’s really pulling some puppet strings because, no, I was being real.
In any case, it’s crazy seeing him act like such a fool over someone he’s only known a few weeks. He’s been totally snowed. Who decides to get all serious THAT quickly? Seems like a train wreck waiting to happen, but it’s no longer any of my concern.
P.S. No clue why WordPress decided to number my paragraphs after #5 both #1 again. Maybe they think those are extra important, lol. 😉