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My fantasies come true!

arrival

So remember last time, how positively SURE I was that I had found evidence that the CEO is married? I’m struggling now, with doubts. What if I was wrong?

Yes, I found a picture of him, posted shortly before we met, with his wedding ring on, the mother of his child and her family. That should be proof enough, shouldn’t it? You would think.

Only, he’s just so CONVINCING when he talks to me. Can a man really be THAT good of a liar?! This most recent rendezvous, he mentioned his “ex” (and he calls her that) several times. He even made a comment, saying “that’s why I left her”.

He also told me he’d been in China. I’d assumed he was lying because Tinder showed him as being 10 miles away during that time. Yet, when we got together again, he was COMPLAINING about having to haggle for prices when he was in China. If he’s a liar, he’s a damn good one!

What if….what if I’m completely wrong about him? What if that picture was taken previously and someone just re-posted it? Could I be convincing myself he’s a cheater because of my general mistrust of men? Maybe its easier for me to believe he is untrustworthy, than to open myself up to the possibility of getting hurt.

Perception is such a big thing. I could be making up an elaborate story in my head, because it fulfills some sort of fantasy for ME. Maybe the idea of a torrid, illicit, affair just turns me on! 😉 Or maybe, I’m totally on the mark and just trying to make excuses for him because I like him so much. :p He DOES behave like a married man and I haven’t ever been to his place!

There is just something deliciously sexy about the idea of sleeping with a taken man. So sue me, I get wet over the naughtiness of it all! Playing the mistress role for a little bit can feel kind of… intoxicating.

Sigh…in any case our last rendezvous was absolutely DREAMY! 🙂 He was doing work in a southern state and he decided to fly me to him for a hot overnight! Unfortunately, I couldn’t make arrangements to stay longer, since he notified me at the last minute, but he had said I could stay for up to a week.

I hadn’t heard from him in like 3 weeks and he just popped up out of the blue and suggested this trip. He didn’t really even ASK if I wanted to come, just stated that he was planning on flying me out on Saturday to be with him. Fortunately, I happened to have the weekend free!

He did mention that he’d been in China, and he said he’d missed me. I never know though, with him, whether I will hear from him or not. I don’t go out of my way to contact him, just wait and see what happens. Telling myself he is married at least gives me a way to make sense out of it all.  Meanwhile, he’s the fantasy mystery guy.

It was so exciting and I felt like a princess!! He flew me business select and I got to be practically the first person on the plane each time. I don’t know if he paid or used his companion miles but I saw what the tickets cost when he sent me the choices for when I could come and return. Two one way tickets, would have been about $700. Not that that’s probably not pocket change to HIM, lol, but it would be a big deal to me!

I love, love, love traveling, even when its just a short little jaunt to someplace new! It’s so fun for me and I don’t get to do it often. When I arrived, he took me out to a really nice seafood restaurant for dinner too! Yum!!

The discussion was interesting and he really is a fascinating man. He’s like an extreme caricature of what I would consider “masculine”. Sometimes I find his thinking to be very overly logical and black and white, but he is incredibly intelligent and it shows.

He’s also so, so, soooo incredibly masculine and dominant in the bedroom!! He’s absolutely PERFECT in the sack. WOW! I can’t get over how much he turns me on!! He’s like the perfect combination of super dominant and super giving, that I absolutely LOVE!

He’s so good that I still let him go for anal, even though it hurts like hell and we haven’t been able to do it for very long, lol. 😉 It’s still not my favorite activity but by the time he tries it I’m usually drowning in oxytocin and wanting to give him anything and everything.

The last time (not this one) he even brought lube, and a toy! He said Trojan had been at some convention he was at and he bought this little vibrator. It was awesome!! He pulled it out and surprised me during sex, whispering in my ear that he had gotten me a little surprise. Just the tone of his voice when he said that to me STILL gives me tingles all through my pussy.

It was brand new, in the box. He ended up having to go and get a knife to open it, lol. Yet, he didn’t give it to me afterwards. I wonder what he did with it? Did he give it to his wife? Another woman? Throw it away? Hmmmm….haha

Anyway, he used it on me in multiple ways during sex and it felt sooo good. Then he lubed up my ass and used it on my clit during anal. It probably made it a little easier but it still hurt and I still bled after. We didn’t do it for very long.

This time, on our trip, we didn’t do all that, but I FINALLY got to experience HIM having an orgasm. He didn’t even cum with me the first 4 times we had sex, even after HOURS of fucking and blow jobs. I was trying to play it cool but it had me a little worried!

This time he came, after a nice long blow job and then thrusting really hard and fast while I was on my stomach. I figure maybe he was afraid to be that rough with me in the beginning. He’s super focused on getting ME off most of the time and probably needed to relax enough to be a bit selfish for a change, and get HIS.

Lest you think the sex was short this time, it wasn’t.  It was down to about 3 1/2 hours though, versus the 5 or 8 the last few times.  It was still amazing and we did have a little anal, though not for too long.  Did I mention how incredibly fantastic he is at going down on me?? Oh MY GOD!  Lol  So many men let that slack after a while.  He even licked my asshole. 😉  No qualms… I love guys like that!

In any case, I was relieved! He came all over my back and down the crack of my ass. Ahhhh… sweet satisfaction! 😉 He cuddled afterwards and was a gentleman all the way till the time he dropped me back off to go home, always opening my car door and all the little things we women love. 🙂 I’m still walking on air…

On another note, I heard again from the Cohort. He texted me at the beginning of the year and said he was thinking of me. He was halfway across the country for a relative’s wedding and it said it made him appreciate me and the time he had with me.

It felt good to hear that, but like every other time he has contacted me, it ended in reliving a lot of grief and pain. It just hurts so much to know he still thinks of me and cares, but not ENOUGH.

I’m still spending a fair amount of time with Radioman. I saw him the day before I left on the plane but I never told him I went anywhere. We see each other at least once a week and often more.

Its funny, sometimes he says things like how he misses having a woman at home, someone to cook for him, to be there to share his day with, to be part of his everyday life. I’m not sure if he’s hinting about that with ME, or not? I like him a lot but I just don’t know if I could go there. There are so many things, like his love of gambling and the way he’s like most men and would not want ME with anyone else, but might end up there himself!

Still, I really do enjoy him and the sex is good. We’ve seen a little more of each other lately because he got my employer to agree to a collaboration with the radio station for the next couple of months. It’s been fun seeing him in a professional setting, as well as in his bed. 😉

Most of the others have fallen by the wayside, at least for the time being. I’m okay with that, especially since its been cold and wintery and I feel more like cuddling in than going out on new dates or with new men. Hope 2016 is going well for all of you!!

I should have known….and somewhere deep inside, I did!

intuition

He’s married! The CEO is married! Why am I not really surprised? He hasn’t admitted it to me yet but I found proof. I discovered a picture of him online, with his wife and her family, wedding ring clearly visible on his finger. It was taken just before I met him and posted on a relative’s Facebook page.

We are not friends on Facebook and his page is private, as is his wife’s, but I’m a good detective and I did a little digging. I’m not able to see who is on his friends list, but I could see that he and I have at least one friend of a friend in common, which was amusing. She had commented on a public photo of his. He’s friends with an old fuck buddy of mine’s WIFE.

Sometimes it pays to snoop! Just saying! I just KNEW he was too good to be true and my gut feeling proved me right, once again. Sigh…

I felt a little upset at first, but I’m over it. At least now I know and can protect myself from getting too hopeful that this is going to go anywhere. At best it will be a passionate affair.

We’ve slept together 4 times now and this last time I knew but didn’t say a word. It will be interesting to see if he ever slips up or tells me about it. I plan to sit back and give him some time.

All along, I’ve felt mildly suspicious but Tinder tipped me off because I could see when he was lying to me about where he was. Sometimes, when he says he is traveling, he is telling the truth, but others it shows him as being 11 miles away, at his HOUSE.

So there’s that, and the fact that he usually plans time with me around when he’s either just arrived home on the plane, or is just getting ready to leave. He always gets a very nice hotel, which is wonderful, but of course points to the fact that he avoids having me in his home! His excuse that his sister was watching his child there may have held up at first, but why would she be there when he’s just getting ready to fly off to another city? Shouldn’t she be with her mom by then? Yeah….

The sex is still through the roof amazing and I’m definitely not ready to give THAT up! I’m really finding myself liking him on a personal level too, which gives me mixed feelings about it all. If nothing else though, I know not to really trust him. You heard me say it! Now don’t let me forget….

I don’t know his reasons, I don’t know if his wife already knows. I mean, come on, she HAS to suspect that her high sex drive, super good in bed, hot, millionaire, traveling businessman husband is not faithful to her! I’ve seen pictures of her now too and she looks kind of mousy and quiet, like someone that would put up with whatever. I have to admit though, that if this guy were paying my bills, I probably would too…

He’s got no shame in putting his face out on public dating sites and he seems to avoid being seen in public with her much. Even one of the captions on a photo I saw of them together he just put “making appearances” and they weren’t touching. The one where I saw his ring they were, but she was kind of in the background of it all. It’s interesting to note body language.

On OKCupid, one of the questions he answered said he’d never been in love. I wonder if that’s true? How can you be almost 40 years old and never fallen in love before? Not even with your wife? It doesn’t make sense to me but I’m curious to learn more. I guess time will tell.

I understand the multitude of reasons why a man would lie about being married or even lie about being in an open relationship, if that’s what it were. Still, its dishonest and it makes me miss the Cohort even more. He’s really the only guy I’ve researched and found nothing but complete honesty to me. Even when it hurt, he told me the truth. I think that’s a big reason why I loved and still love him.

The Cohort contacted me a couple of weeks ago, via email and asked me to call him. He acted like it was important and I guess he went the email route because he had deleted my number to avoid temptation to get in touch. I called though, and he wanted to talk about bubble wrap. He wanted to ask me where he could get bubble wrap…seriously! I know for a fact he already orders it online for his business but he said he wanted to know where I got some that I gave him last year (it was from packaging on my kids toys that came in the mail).  It was obviously an excuse to talk to me.

He told me a little bit about what is going on in his life with car problems but things going well at work. He asked how I was doing and sounded a bit wistful. It ended there and we hung up. I didn’t hear from him on Christmas. My heart still hurts but I know I can survive without him and I feel like I made the right choice to walk away. I know right now, if he were to ask me to be with him for real, I would, but he hasn’t done that. I can’t hang around someone I care that much about and allow it to continue to cause me pain.

In other news, I went out with a new guy that I will not allow myself to see again. We had a fun date that ended up with him almost raping me in the back of his car. I was genuinely scared and that doesn’t happen often.

He is an executive chef at one of the big casinos here in the city. He said he used to work in New York and Washington and he only moved here 6 months ago. We met on OkCupid and over text he seemed a bit pushy at first. On the phone though, he was funny and I agreed to meet him at a very nice seafood restaurant for drinks and appetizers.

He showed up 20 minutes late and I was beginning to wonder if I should leave. I was sitting at the bar and didn’t order anything. He finally arrived, without any excuse. Now, I kind of suspect he did this on purpose, because after one drink they were about to close. We didn’t have time to order anything to eat.

He asked where the closest bar we could hang out at late was and they told him a place around the corner. When we got there he made a weird statement about how he goes there all the time. That threw me off a bit (didn’t he just have to ASK the bartenders where to go?). He also claimed to go to the seafood restaurant “all the time”. Anyway, we had more drinks and an appetizer at this jazz bar.

He was funny and fun to talk to, but super nosy. He was asking questions about who I was fucking and what was the guy’s name. He pressed and pressed until I finally gave him the first name of someone I am sleeping with (Radioman, who was the only safe option to say anything about and I see him regularly).

He immediately showed some signs of jealousy and was telling me about how he is going to make me forget about Radioman. Oh, and he also friend requested me on Facebook while we were out. He had figured out my last name somehow. I was a bit creeped out by this, but then you all know I do my own “research” so I was trying to be fair and not assume he is a stalker.  I accepted his request and laughed about his discovery.

I was slightly tipsy, but not drunk, when we decided to go home. I declined an offer to go back to his place but agreed to get in his car with him and “talk” for a minute because it was very cold outside. We got in the backseat and he proceeded to practically start ripping off my clothes.  I was a bit taken aback by how quickly he went there.

I told him to stop, told him no, told him I don’t want to do this and he just kept going. I was actually afraid and that doesn’t happen often. I had to be very verbally forceful to get him to finally stop. For a bit I there I didn’t think he was going to. He was putting his hands in my panties and saying he knew I wanted it, because of how wet I felt. But I didn’t want it. I didn’t feel good about him, despite the fun banter in the bar.

I finally was able to divert him from trying to fuck me by giving him a hand job. He came quickly and I was able to leave. Whew!

He called on the way home and apologized over voice mail. He said he was sorry and that he just was so turned on that he got carried away. He said he didn’t mean to be so aggressive and that he just lost control. Would I please give him another chance?

All that is well and good and I said okay but I really don’t want to see him again. He asked if I would and I said “maybe after the holidays”. After briefly contemplating giving him a second chance, I have decided there is no way! He is still on my Facebook, but I will probably delete him eventually. For now I plan to just blow him off.

I LIKE guys that are dominant, I LIKE guys that go after what they want and don’t ask. I DON’T like it when someone ignores my boundaries and plows on. If I am repeatedly telling someone STOP and they won’t, that is too much. Yes, I still gave him a handjob. I didn’t know what else to do to get him to back off because my words were not working. Obviously, he was stronger than me.

Even after all the experiences I have had, I still found myself in this situation. Sometimes I ignore my gut feelings about guys and I’m still learning to trust my intuition. Gut says he’s married, he probably is! It says to be careful, then WATCH OUT!

Now if only I could get my intuition to make sense when it comes to the Cohort. It’s still in confusion. I still feel like he loves me, even though his actions aren’t really proving that at all. It’s been 6 months and it really only feels like days since I’ve seen him. Maybe I will never see him again, but I just haven’t completely come to terms with that.

Getting a little risque ;)

Image

This has been quite a week for me, sexually. I usually don’t have the time to have sex as often as I would like, but I got kinda lucky with free babysitting (yay for family!) and I kind of went to town.

I’ve also agreed to do some telephone work for the Married Man’s business, from home, so of course I needed to meet with him first. You know, to do “business”. 😉

I started off Sunday with a date and sex with a new guy that I have told you all about already. He’s the one who knows my friend. Since we are both being sneaky with our down low behaviors, I’ll refer to him as “The Cohort”.

Tuesday was my first trip to a casino. The casino itself, well, let’s be real, I thought it was pretty boring. How on earth do people get addicted to this? Granted, we only played the slot machines, but sheesh. All you do is sit there and push a button or pull a lever and the cash you are using just disappears, or you get a slip of paper with an amount on it. I won some, but lost more, and eventually stopped, after blowing about $100 of this guy’s money. He was cool with that.

He had gotten a room at the casino hotel and went in ahead of time, to get it all set up, with candles and wine glasses. Unfortunately, he was having some trouble with opening the cork on the wine bottle and it was pissing him off, lol. We ended up drinking vodka and red bull.

Then we fucked on the bed. He wanted to talk a lot before, and after, and says he wants to know everything there is about me. He wore a condom, and the sex was pretty good, but didn’t last long, maybe 5-10 minutes. He didn’t go down on me and I didn’t give him a blowjob.

According to him, he has been seeing this woman that he is in a poly relationship with, for 3 years. He calls himself an “alpha male” and said that she doesn’t fuck any other men but sometimes likes to just watch him with women, or participate. We will refer to him as “Mr. Poly”, even though it’s debatable if it’s really “poly” when it’s one sided like that.

I’m supposed to meet her (and him) for brunch tomorrow. We will see how that goes! It’s kind of interesting anyhow.

Wednesday, I spent with The Cohort again, at his house, fucking for a good couple of hours. It was pretty darn good, even better than the last time. According to him, he is a person that likes to fuck the same woman over and over again, because he says it keeps getting better. He wants to see me regularly. So far he is easy to get along with and talk to, so it sounds like fun.

I got back pretty late. My baby brother had stopped by late in the evening because he was in town and I left him with the kids while I took off. So the next morning I was TIRED, lol, but it didn’t stop me for going to talk with my new “boss”. 😉 😉

I was supposed to meet with the Married Man, Thursday morning, at his house, to pick up some paperwork, so I can get started doing my “job”. Of course, I knew it would be more than that. 😉

He lives in a big, 3200 square foot, historical home, deep in the city. His house is very nice and the decor was quite “artsy”, almost like being in a museum or gallery, with antiques and other interesting stuff to look at. Some of the surrounding neighborhood is kind of iffy though. It’s a mix of renovated homes like his, and not-so-renovated, falling apart, ghetto looking places. There was graffiti all over the stop signs around his house and shady looking apartments nearby. I noticed the security system while I was sitting on the couch and saw what may have been a camera, in the corner of the ceiling.

He had a pit bull puppy sitting in a crate by the front door, but it didn’t bark when I entered. I sat on the couch and looked around while he went upstairs to get a file folder for me. I wondered where his wife was. I have no idea what she does for a living but I am assuming she works outside the home.

After explaining what I would need to do and handing me a couple of papers to take home, he suddenly pulled me up off the couch for a kiss. Almost as quickly, and quite roughly, he turned me around, shoved me onto my knees and pulled out his cock for me to suck. Then he practically threw me, face forward, onto the couch, and yanked down my pants and panties, entering me from behind. He was fucking me fast and furiously, I could barely grab a hold of the back of the leather couch to keep from falling over.

A few minutes later, he nearly knocked me down on my back, pushing my legs up over my head, my pants still only halfway down. He saw the fear on my face and promised not to tear my pants, lol, ripping one leg off while the other was still flailing about, as he kept going hard.

Eventually we did get them all the way off, as well as my boots, blouse and bra, but it took awhile, lol. He would slow down and talk to me occassionally, asking questions like whether or not I would fuck his wife? I was like um, yeah, probably and he asked if I had seen her. When he and I were Facebook friends I had seen her pic, so I said yes. He laughed and said “yeah, she would KILL me!”

He was like “have you ever fucked a married man at his house before?” and I said no. He later told me he had never fucked anyone like that at HIS house either, I guess implying he’s fucked married women in THEIR homes. A couple of times he told me “you know we can’t be doing this right, now that you work for me?” Yeah sure, lmao. 😉 Then he asked me if he was bigger than “all those white guys” I have been fucking. I was thinking, what white guys??? LOL But I played along. 😉

At one point there was a sound at the front door and I startled, but it was only the dog, moving around in it’s crate. He said where we needed to worry about was the back door, where their driveway is. Another time, he had jumped up to look out the back window, lifting the blinds. Then he told me to come over that way, setting me up on his kitchen table to fuck right in front of the open window!

He was still being pretty aggressive at that point, then pulled out and got down to eat my pussy while I was naked on his kitchen table, in front of the window. He came back up and slowly thrust inside me for a minute, looking me in the eyes, before picking me up off the table, setting me down in front of him and grabbing my hair, pushing my head up onto his dick as he came in my mouth. I swallowed every last drop. 😉

The funny thing is, I never came. It was hot but I think I was too alert and on edge to relax enough to do that. As we were looking around for bits of my clothing and my missing panties (which we finally found under the couch), I warned him to make sure there weren’t any strands of my hair laying about. His wife is black and I have long hair with streaks of blonde in it. I think it would be pretty obvious, eek! He saw me off and kissed me goodbye. We will see if that happens again…

Friday night I went out with another new guy. He took me to the art walk downtown and we had a good time even though I wasn’t feeling that attracted to him. We met on Craigslist and he had referred to himself as “well above average looking”. Um…no. :p

I almost backed out of fucking him. I just wasn’t feeling him and didn’t really want him to kiss me. I insisted on a condom and he didn’t have one so he had to run to the gas station. Beforehand, he had me suck him off and tried to cum in my mouth but I kind of spit it out. It was very fast, and while he was gone I debated just ditching, but decided to stay.

I’m kind of glad I did because he was actually pretty good in the sack. He was ESPECIALLY good at going down on me and made me cum a few different times like that. He was quite dominant as well and the sex wasn’t half bad. I’m not sure at this point about the future. He clearly wants to see me again.

He does have an on again/off again girlfriend who he says never wants to fuck. According to him though, he is fucking 4 different married women on the side and also suggested that we get together with one of his male friends for a threesome because they like to sometimes “go half” on women.

I don’t know though, I guess I will see. I’m iffy on this one. In any case, whew! Wonder what next week will look like?? I’m honestly having kind of a hard time keeping up with all the guys that want to see me right now. Maybe its a good thing that my phone still isn’t getting all my texts, it helps keep things at bay. :p

 

They’re baaacck!! ;)

he's back

Well, I am moved to the big city!! So far, so good, and I am happy here. It’s like night and day from where I was living before. A few things suck, like the maintenance issues I have been dealing with regarding my new place, and the fact that it’s like two more weeks before they will hook up my internet. However, all that should only be temporary. If you are reading this, its because I managed to use my phone as a hot spot long enough to post, lol. 😉

In the men department, of course, many things have changed. I kind of left a few guys in the dust when I bailed town. Some of them weren’t too happy about it. Others, I’m not as sure. I’ve been having some issues with my phone not recieving texts, which may have made my departure seem even colder than it was meant to be.

I debated and debated with myself about contacting the married man when I moved up here. I didn’t want to be the one to cause him to stumble, but it was sooo tempting to want to text and be like “hey neighbor” to let him know I was in town and close by. Turns out I didn’t have to. 😉 HE contacted ME, out of the blue, the Friday before I was set to move!!

His text read “come to *the City* this weekend and let me make it up to you”. When I told him I was MOVING up that weekend he was in shock, lol, and totally excited! He said “you just made my day”. 😉 He was profusely apologetic for what happened the last time, when we didn’t have sex due to his guilt, and said that things aren’t what “he thought” at home. Whatever that means…. I didn’t ask.

After he found out about my move, he started in with some demands. He said now that I am coming his way I need to know that he doesn’t like to share with other men. According to him, he planned to have me so “touched out” I wouldn’t need anyone else anyway. Then he started getting onto me about the swinger parties (which he never did when I wasn’t close by) and claiming he was worried about std’s.

I’m pretty sure that is not the case. I mean this is a guy who fucked me bareback, within minutes of meeting me the first time, off Craigslist, lol. Whatever. He was sooo “concerned” that he put on a condom this time though, for about 30 seconds, before ripping it off and throwing it on the floor.

It was weird though, the sex this time wasn’t all that great. I mean, it was still good, but nothing like I remember. It was pretty much like fucking any other guy. I’m not really sure what it was, if it was me, or him, or just a change in the chemistry. I admit to being a little bit irritated with him beforehand too, about his attitude, and because he showed up WAY later than expected and kept saying he’d be there in a little bit. Maybe emotionally I was just put off. Not sure what was going on there.

He’d been pushing hard to see me that night and I was putting him off because I’d already invited Mr. Firm to come help me christen my new house. 😉 We didn’t have plans set in stone or anything, it was just a maybe, but the Married Man had contacted me after, so he was kind of the backup plan. When he started exhibiting all the typical madonna/whore stuff, and I’d been all happy chatting with Mr. Firm, who doesn’t do that, right before….he just seemed less exciting, or something.

I will say though, that I am still impressed with Mr. Married Man’s ability to unsnap a bra strap with more ease than I’ve ever seen anyone do it in my life, lmao. I’m like how does he DO that?? He can get it off even more easily than me, with one hand, in like half a second.

He seemed super tall to me for some reason too. Maybe because I wasn’t wearing heels for a change. I was in socks when he came to the door and he seemed like a giant when he had to bend down to kiss me lol. He’s 6’1″, just seemed bigger than he used to be. It HAS been over a year since we last slept together and the last time I saw him he was seated in his car.

The other returning man has been the Pilot!! We’ve still kept in touch all this time, but it has mostly been sporadic. He had told me at some point that he was falling for a woman at work and thinking about something serious with her, which totally turned me off. I told him I didn’t want to be fucking him in that situation and he thought that I was being dramatic. It just bothered me, and I didn’t want to be put again into a situation like I was with the Professor, or the Producer, or any of these guys where I ended up getting hurt because they wanted to treat me as second best.

Anyhow, when he heard I was moving his direction, he made it clear he’d like to spend some more time with me again. I didn’t even ask about the other woman. It had been months ago when he mentioned that. He invited me to be his partner for this group where they were supposed to be having “orgies during the day” at lunchtime, once or twice a month. I was unsure but agreed to come to the meet and greet and check it out.

He came to pick me up and my 22 year old sister was here to babysit. We were both dressed up and pretending to be going to some sort of a luncheon. My sister later said to me “OMG, he’s cute AND he has a nice car, I need to hang out with you more often!!” LOL

Anyhow, he’d asked me to wear a dress, with the plan being that we would meet these people then find a place to fuck each other after. So I was in a short, shiny, silver, tank dress and heels. He kept telling me I looked especially hot. He also was “warning” me about things now that I am living closer to the big city swinger scene. He said to be careful.

I couldn’t really get him to be specific, so not sure what he meant, but he was concerned about me being a single woman and how the guys would act now that I’m living up here. I told him I’d gone to some of the Host’s parties (he knows him) and he didn’t really like that. He said he doesn’t like to compete, and mostly stays away from that sort of thing (which I don’t really get because here we are on our way to an orgy group…).

We showed up at the meeting spot, which was a park gazebo, yet nobody arrived. I have no idea where he “met” these folks online, but it wasn’t the swinger site. I’m suspecting Craigslist, because he was vague when I asked and I’ve had another “orgy party” that failed through there too once, with the Prof. He had also informed me that we were using fake names for this party beforehand.

I don’t think either one of us was too terribly disappointed that it didn’t work out. He’d given me some fair warning beforehand that it might not. After about 20 minutes we got back in the car to find a place to have fun on our own.

He kept driving in circles, checking out parking lot after parking lot. I suspect it was mostly because he wanted to talk. He started telling me about this woman again. He still has feelings for her but they have only had sex once. He’s her boss at work and he’s had some issues there with gossip lately. It sounds like a mess and he’s obviously got it bad.

He said he was surprised I didn’t ask about her and I didn’t comment. Her name, he told me, is almost the same as mine. :p She told him her “tarot card reader” said she shouldn’t mess with him anymore and has some issue with an extremely abusive ex boyfriend. She had just texted him that day though, to ask him to come see her new house (she is moving too) and he wanted to know if I thought that meant she wanted to start seeing him again. SMH…

Anyway, it was kind of starting to kill the mood and I’m wondering if we are even going to have sex. He did sort of apologize and comment on that right before. He was like “this probably isn’t a good time to be discussing this”. Ya think?? 😛

After driving me through a million parking lots and pointing out a club he said he was wanting to show me that is “Lifestyle friendly but not a Lifestyle club” we finally settled on what looked like the parking lot of a nursing home. Right smack dab in the middle of it. There was no one around, though I suppose anyone could have looked out their window, lmao.

He came around and stood next to the passenger side of the car, unbuckling his pants. I sucked his dick. Then he had me get out and bend over the seat while he fucked me a little bit from behind. It felt really good but after a few minutes he started to get uneasy and wanted to move to another place.

We drove to the back side of the parking lot of a large health club and went at it again. This time he was in a better position to see who was coming and going. I have to admit it was pretty hot. He kept saying “God you are sooo wet”. He asked me where I wanted him to cum and I said anywhere but inside me. So he told me to turn around and take it in my mouth. He came a lot and I managed to swallow most of it, though I got a bit in my hair and on my arm.

Then he drove me home and we talked some more. I just don’t know. The whole thing still bothers me. I guess maybe it shouldn’t, but it makes me feel used. I didn’t tell him any of that though.

Maybe I’ve just been emotional lately (recently finished my period) but I got to thinking about it a lot and why it bugs me so much. On one hand I do enjoy casual sex and I am fine with it with some people, but I still really crave a close emotional relationship with SOMEONE.

All the current men in my life…they already have someone who they are “in love” with, but it isn’t me. I even met and had sex with a new guy the other day, and he seems like he has someone already too. He was trying to tell me we are going to have threesomes, and I noticed when he was showing me pictures on his phone that this one girl’s face just kept popping up.

Theres really not a lot to tell about that guy, lol. I met him on Plenty of Fish. He’s some kind of a golf star and has trophies all over the place and pictures of himself in “Golf Digest”. He lasted about 30 seconds in bed and then maybe a couple minutes for the second round. We had dinner at his house and he cooked me some ribs, macaroni and bbq beans, lol. It was good and then he wanted a massage. He seemed a little selfish overall, and crazy, because he was telling me I need a mixed baby and that maybe in a couple of years he and I could have one (!!). However, he has been nice in offering to have someone who works for him (he owns an auto shop) come look at the A/C in my vehicle. I don’t know, not super into him but may give it another try. I’m not too keen on the threesome idea though.

Anyway, I guess I’m just feeling a little unloved. Its not like I have time to devote to a real relationship and I realize that, but I do ache for some attention and affection, in more ways than just sex. I think I’m lovable, but I’m not sure anyone else sees it.

Society says men only fall in love with you if you don’t sleep with them and I’m not sure there isn’t some truth behind that. Trying to play that game though, seems so fake. I guess I just want someone to be able to see me for who I am and fall in love with that, instead of an image I put forth to “trick” them into something. I’m not holding my breath. :p

Holiday happenings

I hope everyone is having a wonderful holiday season.  My Christmas was great but didn’t include any wild sex stories.  I did see my fuck buddy before he left to go back home, to Georgia…for good. 😦

I’m a little bit sad.  We’ve been having sex about once a month for nearly two years now.  I knew he was trying to sell his house, after getting out of the military, but last we’d discussed it, he was still looking to stay in this area.  It came as a surprise to hear he is leaving. 

He may come back to visit friends, and at least one relative here. He still has to get some stuff out of storage, so it’s possible I could see him again, but for the most part, this is the end.  I’m glad we didn’t really get emotionally attached.  Still, I am going to miss the reliable sex…and that huge, thick cock!!  OMG!  I bet it’ll be a looong time before I come across another one like that, if ever!

Our last meeting was pretty hot.  He was staying temporarily in a hotel and we had a couple rounds of fun, followed each time by me swallowing his cum.  My little parting gift. 😉  He was off the day after Christmas, but we plan to keep in touch.  He said he thinks I would really like Atlanta, lots of “successful black men” (damn, am I that transparent? haha ).  Who knows, maybe someday….  Plus after seeing a pic of him and his brothers down there, I am thinking a gangbang doesn’t sound so bad after all.  Heh…. 😉

Now who am I going to replace him with?  I’ve still got Mr. Firm, and the Host, and I guess this Bodybuilder guy, but they all live far away.  My fuck buddy was only an hour and a half.  It’s got me thinking…and today I even did a little browsing on Craigslist.

I didn’t have any luck on Craigslist today, but I did find something that has me cracking up and gloating like crazy!!  Remember the Producer?  He contacted me a few days before Christmas to say he hoped I was doing alright, and then again to wish me and the kids a Happy Holiday.  Then today, I get on CL and found his old ad!!!  Only he had changed it up just a little bit, to add in that he is “attached”.

Hahahahaha….he’s already looking to cheat on that woman he pretty much dumped me for!  I love it!  She was a condescending little bitch towards me.  Revenge is sweet.  What kills me is he made some comment in the ad, alluding to the fact that he is not getting as much sex as he would like.  Yeah, well, whose fault is that??  Bam!  Got them both, and in less than 3 months time.  Somehow I doubt that relationship is going to last forever. “We are soul mates”.  Give me a fucking break!

Supposedly she was cool with non-monogamy, but clearly that isn’t working out for them the way he thought, or he wouldn’t be sneaking around behind her back.  It’s obvious, from the wording of the ad, that he is.  I wouldn’t be half surprised if he tries to get back with me either, at this point.  I guess we will find out.

Damn though, right after Christmas?  And right after they went on a cruise together for their birthdays (or were supposed to, I am assuming they did).  Times must be hard. 😉 😀

Not only did HE contact me recently, but the guy I had the affair with!  Remember him?  The one who stood me up for a concert and never bothered to explain why?  He hit me up on Facebook email (we aren’t friends on there) to say “I miss you”.  I got Mr. Firm’s advice before saying anything and finally went with “fuck off”.  LOL  I was worried about upsetting him but Mr. Firm said I shouldn’t be with the way he disrespected me.  He didn’t comment back and it actually kind of felt good to stand up for myself like that.  On my own I tend to be way too forgiving.

I’ve STILL been having to ignore Mr. Motorcycle.  He left a box of gifts on my doorstep and tried texting several times to see if I got them.  I feel so mean ignoring him but I know if I give him even a little acknowledgement he will try and find a way to get back in.  As Mr. Firm pointed out, his using my kids and getting gifts for them to get to me, really is manipulative, and not a cool thing to do.  Especially after I TOLD him, flat out, repeatedly, that I didn’t want him to buy them anything. 

The gifts he gave were nothing expensive and I went ahead and let the kids open them as extras.  One was a board game that was missing pieces and looked like it had been used.  He gave me a bottle of wine and some sort of homemade soap.

The TV he gave us?  That short circuited and almost electrocuted my teenager.  He and a friend got the bright idea to smash it up after that, and take the copper out of the back.  It could have been dangerous but thankfully they didn’t grind up the glass and get lead poisoning or something.  I had to pay $60 to have it carted off as hazardous waste.  Gee, thanks for the “gift”.

The Referee has tried calling and texting me too, begging me to pick up the phone.  I ignored that as well.  I didn’t hear from him on Christmas though so maybe he’s getting the drift that I am serious.  No way Jose, will I ever get with him again.

Mr. Host has been cool though and says he bought me a gift, because he can’t stop thinking about me.  Nice!  I am looking forward to seeing him again.  The sex was just awesome!

He invited me to another party and I was a little disappointed in the guest list.  Mainly that he didn’t invite Mr. Firm. :/  Whhhyyy???  I hope he still ads him on.  I don’t think he would have been able to come anyhow, but it’s the principle of it all.  I hope it’s just that he is varying what single males come to each party or something.  It would really upset me if he was leaving him out due to ME or doesn’t like him.

See, I’m a little afraid that he is going to be like all these other guys I have come across and start acting possessive.  Or that he might see Mr. Firm as a threat because my excitement about him being invited the first time was probably pretty obvious.  Plus, he may have seen us kissing a few times at the party and I doubt you could miss the passion there. 😉

I really hope that isn’t it.  Mr. Firm is cool as hell, has had nothing negative to say about Mr. Host so far, and I know he was excited about having been invited to that last party.  He also took the time and trouble to validate Mr. Host and say nice things.  I wouldn’t want him to be left out on account of me and I’d really like him to be at some future parties if I am going to be there.  I’m a little afraid to bring it up to Mr. Host though.  Like, if I make too big a deal of it he may just decide never to invite him again.  Ugh.

Looking over the guest list, there seem to be less single guys, so maybe it is just something to do with that.  :/  The whole thing has my brain spinning. I usually tell Mr. Firm about parties and had mentioned the date of the upcoming one, so I’d feel weird never mentioning it, like I was keeping something from him.  I’d feel like a jerk though, talking about it when he wasn’t invited.  Grrrr…

I haven’t heard from the Professor. 😦 We talked a little bit on his birthday earlier in the month and he was kind of weird. He made comments about how he missed me and that he wasn’t getting any sex for his B’day, but didn’t want me to come over (“to say hi”, I didn’t flat out offer him sex). I told him I’m not at the point anymore where I think the relationship thing would even be an issue, basically hinting at just some NSA sex, but he said it was HIM that had the problem handling it and not me. Okay, whatever.

Anyhow, wish me luck on replenishing the ranks.  I’ve got some possible upcoming changes in my life as well.  I’m seriously considering a move to the big city myself.  There aren’t a lot of things holding me back at this point and 2014 may be just the time to get up on it.

The conflicted married man

obsessed

Many times on this blog I have mentioned the man that was the best sex of my life.  If you recall, he is married, but I didn’t realize that at the beginning.  We met for what was supposed to be a one night stand, which turned into a little more. 

It’s been over a year since I saw him last but we still keep in contact.  He often asks me to meet up at times that are inconvenient or impossible.  Other times we set up plans and he flakes out.  If it were anyone else I probably would have been done a long time ago, but he is A-MAZING and I let things slide.

I figure he’s married and I know that it is hard to plan, especially with him living a few hours away.  Nevertheless, it gets annoying at times, being cancelled on.  Still, we are talking about a man, who within minutes of meeting me, off Craigslist, at a hotel, managed to make me cum REPEATEDLY, like 50 times in an hour and a half time period.  This, after me having NEVER been able to cum with another man before in my life!!  He’s like some kind of superhuman sex God, I’m not even kidding!!  After that it just got better!!

We’ve actually only met up a couple of times.  The rest of it has been this flaky, weird behavior with him that I keep talking about.  Married man shit.  Yet, we text, he asks me about the guys I meet and the swinger parties, and of course wants an occasional picture.  Once his wife caught him texting me and that was a problem.  Still, 3 weeks later he was contacting me again and even added me on Facebook. 

He’s cool, I like him, but it is not an emotional thing, other than right after having sex because he does tend to affect me.  He was talking crazy, with this stuff about me moving into one of the houses he owns, having his baby and paying me 3,000 a month to do so.  I thought at first he was just saying that because we were so into the sex and it was part of a fantasy, but he has brought up me moving there at other times and again said things about wanting to get me pregnant.

On Facebook, and from the things he has told me about his life and kids, he appears to be the ideal, upstanding, church-going, family man.  His wife posts cutesy pictures of the two of them together and tags him in it.  She is pretty and seems sweet from all I can see.  The kids are adorable and one is actually from another mother, who oddly enough is now dating a guy I went to high school with!  So I see their pics on there too, lol. 

Anyhow, that’s the backstory.  He makes good money and travels a lot for his business. He lives a few hours away in a big city, but when we originally met he was here for some sort of convention. 

A couple of days ago he texted me saying he had plans to see a client in a town that was about an hour from here.  He had deliberately scheduled it at the end of his day hoping to see me before he had to head home. Letting me know a day in advance is an improvement on his usual “hey I am in xyz town can you be here in a couple of hours” type texts. I said I would check and see if my ex would take the kids and if so, sure I would try and meet up.

It all worked out and I gps’d it and was heading his direction.  He’d made sure to check with me ahead of time and warn me that he would be in meetings and unable to answer the phone until after that was over but said just start driving.  He wanted me to come earlier but I wasn’t able to head out until after my ex came home at 6. 

I was on the road, on a highway I’ve never taken, when he called to ask where I was at.  He said not to meet him there after all but in a different city, that he thought was closer.  I was familiar with the second city but was going completely in a different direction, well parallel, to it.  Unfortunately I had driven a ways before we figured that out.  It was dark, my gps on my phone kept saying it couldn’t access data and neither one of us knew for sure where the hell I actually was.

I finally got it to take me back to the familiar highway that would get me to the city he wanted to meet up in, but I had to drive 22 miles to get there, on some scary, dark, back roads.  Did I mention I was wearing heels?  Not just heels, but heels and a bra and panties, with a trench coat, per his request.  I did bring some other clothing but had mostly stripped it off due to the cold sweat I had broken out in from all the stress of being lost in the dark.  I was also without ANY kind of phone service for the 22 miles I was on that road.  Ugh.  I was driving around all these curves, in heels and lingerie, terrified, in the dark, on some back country road in the middle of nowhere. 

NO ONE else could have gotten me to do this, lol.  I swear.  He is just way too freaking good in bed!!  Still, I was a tad irritated.  Then I finally get to a city I recognize and am finally able to call him. It turns out I have BACKTRACKED on that freaking highway.  I’m only about 15 miles out of town and still need to drive almost an hour more.  Sigh….

I asked if it was getting too late, if he still wanted me to come.  He vacillated a bit because he wanted to get home at a decent hour, but said he REALLY wanted to fuck me.  I kept driving.

Finally, I arrive in the parking lot off the highway, where he is waiting in his car.  I get out, in my trench coat and heels and walk over.  He lets me in and I ask where he wants to go now.

He says “there is something we need to talk about”.  Oh God, this doesn’t sound good.  What could it possibly be?

His wife had just called him, telling him she loves him.  Now he is feeling guilty.  He doesn’t think he can do this.  He didn’t used to feel guilty but he had promised her and God that he wouldn’t do this anymore and now here he is and she calls to tell him she loves him.

I say it’s ok.  I understand and I am not mad at him.  He apologizes.  Then he just stares at me.  “I want to fuck you so bad”.  “God, I want to fuck you so bad”.  He grabs my hair and keeps staring, lustfully, and stroking my head.  He goes in for a kiss, then pulls away, looking guilty.  “I can’t do this”. 

I said it’s ok.  He says he wants to fuck me so bad but he promised and he needs to be a better man.  He keeps apologizing and says he will fill my tank up with gas.  I said it’s ok, I don’t want you to hurt anyone or feel guilty.  I’m not mad at you.  He keeps staring and staring at me.

Then, suddenly he starts driving.  I was like “where are we going?” and he wouldn’t answer.  The look in his eyes was almost crazy.  I asked again and he said nothing, making me start to freak out inside.  It was dark and he was driving me towards the woods.  I was like “where are you taking me?” and he pulled over in a dark parking lot corner near the woods. 

He started kissing me and pulled open my coat.  His mouth went down to my nipples and he started sucking on them.  Then he pulled away and looked guilty again.  “I can’t”.  He said he wanted me really badly but he loves his wife. I said it’s okay, I understand.  I’m not mad.  You can take me back to my van.

He kept apologizing as we drove back and had me follow him out to the gas station.  He put about $25 in my tank and asked if that was enough.  I said it was and he said “I’m sorry” and that he felt bad having me drive all the way up there.  I said it was okay and he looked at me again before turning away to walk in the convenience store.

I drove off and halfway home texted “goodnight :/”.  He said “sorry” and when I got all the way back I said “sometimes temptation is hard to resist”.  He was most likely home with his wife by then, and never responded.

Sigh.  I really wanted to fuck him.  But I also feel bad.  I’m not trying to be a homewrecker or tear apart anyone’s happy family.  I really do think he loves her and she is probably a great wife.  From what I gather I think he has most likely been a serial cheater, though he did say it’s been a long time since he did anything. 

I struggled a little bit, feeling rejected, but I know and understand his reason.  Still, a big part of me wanted to tempt him to fuck me again anyway.  The other part is going “awww….how sweet, he’s such a good guy” and partly feeling guilty for leading him astray. 

I wonder if I’m ever going to hear from him again?  Can he really keep it up, resisting temptation?  He told me when we first met that he thinks he is a sex addict.  He said “you are too, aren’t you?  I can tell”.  According to him, he’s never met a woman like me, that was already such a freak before meeting him, though he claims he’s turned others out.  He couldn’t believe I just walked up to his hotel room to fuck after communicating on Craigslist and said he’d never expect that from a woman of my caliber and looks. 

Anyway, I’m a tad bit torn.  I want him to be happy and not feel so guilty but again I don’t want to give him up!  I know his wife would never leave him in a million years.  He’s too good in bed, makes good money and is a good dad.  A woman’s dream.

 Ladies, if you ever want to keep a guy from cheating, now you know.  Let him know you love him and make him feel guilty.  Seems like it works better than anything else I know of.  He said before he didn’t used to feel guilt about it.  Now he does.  I’m guessing they must be trying to work on their relationship, maybe with counseling or something.

Anyhow, that’s where we are at.  I hope if he ever decides to cheat again though, that it is with me.  I won’t interfere if he is doing what he believes is right but if he changes his mind I am not going to fight that either!  I couldn’t, he is just too darn good!!  I guess he has been living vicariously through me a bit with the stories of my life and parties and all that too. 

Now I know why he is so darn flaky.  I hate the guilt.  Yet I really do understand.  I felt that way too, at times, when I was cheating on my husband, even though I felt it was with good reason.  It took me awhile to come to terms with it all. 

I felt a little resentful that he seemed to be putting me in the role of evil, seductive, temptress but I have to remember he is deeply entrenched in Christianity too.  He is the moral, upright, kind of guy you see in church every Sunday and Wednesday night.  Kinda like my ex husband.  Yet the sex, OMG, I have never felt so much passion out of someone in my life.  He said he felt the same way about me.  I wonder if he will cave?

 

 

How I got out

FreeBird

All these posts about my ex have probably left you all wondering a couple of things.  You may be wondering why on earth I stayed and put up with it all or how I can refer to him as “passive” when his behavior and actions, from the way I’ve described him thus far, just don’t sound “passive” at all.  Well, you’re in good company because sometimes I wonder those very things myself!

An important piece of the puzzle, perhaps, is that when I first met my ex- husband, I was running away from something else in my life.  I had left home and gone away to a small, conservative, college out in the middle of nowhere.  I had reasons for attending that school, including a full scholarship, but I was also trying to get away from a lifestyle that I knew would be my downfall if I continued to live it, as well as from some of the people involved, one in particular. 

My life as a teenager deserves a whole nother series of posts, or perhaps a book, lol.  To try and explain it all here would be too much, but in short I was hanging out with folks that one man described as “crawdads in a bucket”.  As he put it, when one of us tried to climb out, the rest would grab on and pull that one back, so none of us were going anywhere.  As we all know, the fate of a bunch of crawdads in a bucket isn’t a good one and sad to say neither was the fate of many I left behind when I managed to get out of there.

 I know far too many people who are now in prison, or dead.  The ex -boyfriend that I most needed to get away from was in prison at the time I left and as far as I know still is (though he may have gotten released and put back in a few times since).  I couldn’t risk him knowing where I was, should he get out, due to his stalking behaviors and insane jealousy.  Not only that but he was feared by many and the police associated me with his name and would follow me around questioning about him, forcing me to lie and deflect information.  They were convinced he was the “biggest gang member” in the area and surrounding counties, though small town cops do tend to exaggerate, lol.  In any case he was bad news and even to this day it is hard to get disassociated with his name among the folks back home. 

Yes, my lack of good judgment regarding the male gender seems to have gotten me into more than my fair share of trouble in life.  My thug phase is long over but I still sometimes question my ability to make the right choices.   I like to think I’ve learned a lot and am much better at screening them, but it’s hard to trust myself in that regard.

 In my defense I had a horrible example.  My mom’s choices in men were notoriously awful and left us with a trail of abusive stepfathers as well as have gotten her into all kinds of hot water since then.  I try very hard not to emulate that and it’s one of the reasons I’m so afraid of bringing guys around my kids, no matter how nice they seem, and mostly avoid it.  Even the Professor, who so far has been great to all of us, has spent a limited amount of time around them.

So anyway, I was still fairly fresh out of Dodge when I met my ex, the first semester I was in college.  I already knew I needed to make some radical changes in my life and I guess someone like him and with his ideas, seemed like just the ticket.  He wasn’t completely wrong saying I needed to get away from various folks in my life and get on a different path.  It just all went….too far in the other direction. I was blind too, to his faults or that he was being “controlling” because compared to the likes of the guys I’d been with in the past he seemed extremely “tame”.

Also, outside of politics and religion or debating those topics, my ex really was very laid back.  Even in a heated debate he would smile and come across as a “nice guy”.  He’s very non-confrontational outside of discussing his beliefs.  Post- divorce, in some ways, that’s a good thing and I also thought so in the early years of our marriage and child rearing but I’ve since come to acknowledge that he uses very passive aggressive tactics to get what he wants or to “get back” at people.

To give a recent example, he enjoys undermining my parenting by doing things he knows will cause trouble or make me upset.  Like I would bring them for visits and he would load up the children with energy drinks right before sending them home in the evening.  He even gave an energy drink to our two year old once.  When I expressed serious concern about that he laughed and acted like it was a big joke.  During our marriage he behaved similarly, making me out to be the “mean” parent who insisted on the children following rules and then would turn around and encourage them to disobey when he was there, laughing like it was funny. 

If I tried leaving him with the kids for even long enough to go to the grocery store he seemed to make sure I regretted it.  Some huge disaster would happen right after I left, the house would be completely trashed, he would call every 5 minutes asking questions about things as if he didn’t know what to do, anything to infringe upon my time alone.  He actually still does this.  Whenever the children are with him, he texts and harasses me endlessly, asking when I’m coming back even though I’ve been gone less than an hour.  The Professor and other guys I am with will be like “ignore him, he can wait” and mostly now I do but he knows darn well that I am going to be on edge, worrying that it might be a real issue with one of the kids.  He does this even when I’ve given a specific time that I am going to be back, and then acts to the kids as though I have failed to show up when I am “supposed to” and gets them calling me too, hours before we agreed upon.  It’s all a continuation of his emotional sabotaging.

The behaviors were rarely “in your face”, though a couple of times he was outright cruel, telling me things like that the reason he wouldn’t sleep with me was because I was “ugly”.  He later apologized but in a way that made me question his sincerity.  I asked why he would marry someone he wasn’t attracted to and he said that’s not why you get married, you don’t base it on looks. 

The thing that bothered me the most was that if he honestly found me unattractive there were so many other men who wouldn’t have.  In marriage counseling, towards the end, when he fell in love with another woman, he also used the excuse of my “unattractiveness” but I’m not hearing that from anyone else.  I think I’m actually, to most people, pretty decent looking.  So he changed it to that I was “sexually unattractive” and well, I’ve never had another guy tell me that, ever, despite the crushing blows to my self- esteem.  I’d go so far as to say the vast majority of men seem to find me quite fuckable!!

Those things hurt and caused me all kinds of stress but some of his behavior was just downright odd.  Like his lack of protective instinct towards me and the kids.  There were a couple instances, in the middle of the night, where I had to get up and deal with a possible intruder.  Like once our dog was barking and it turned out to be a woman breaking into one of our vehicles and I opened the door and yelled out at her what was she doing and she ran off with a bunch of stuff she had taken and was eventually caught up with by the police, but the ex just lay there in bed and let me deal with it all, wide awake.

Another time the dog got out and was running circles around a man in the street, barking.  I had to go and try to pull her away from him, but he was drunk and leering at me and acting aggressive towards the dog.  I had tried to get my ex to come help but he refused to get up out of bed.  Again, he wasn’t asleep, just didn’t want to deal with it.

When I had the affair, I once had to drive home late at night and my affair partner was freaking out that I would be all alone driving and telling me to call him if I needed anything and lock all my doors and keep the windows up and obviously all concerned.  He could not understand how my ex could not be worried about me doing that but he didn’t give a lick.  He wanted the car back so he could go somewhere in the morning and could care less about my safety on the road.  His entire attitude made me feel so unloved.

Gosh I could go on and on about specific instances but I won’t because I’m emotionally wore out from just talking about it.  I will point out the time he dumped out an entire bulk bag of shredded cheese through all the layers of the refrigerator just because he was mad that I hadn’t made his lunch for him before work and he had to make his own.  I was dealing with a fussy nursing baby and unable to get to it in time.  He knew darn well that I couldn’t just leave all that mess there while he was gone and would feel as though I had to clean it. It’s a perfect example because  that was really typical, if exaggerated behavior on his part.  While on the surface we rarely ever argued or even talked much outside of his lectures on politics and religion, he was doing things to deliberately get at me.  Often it involved making big messes because he never cleaned and knew I was overwhelmed as it was trying to keep up with everything.  So if he felt irritated with me he’d do things to make my job 10x harder.

So whyyyy did I stay??  What the hell was wrong with me??  I can only say that I didn’t feel like there was another option.  We’d married “till death do us part” and I was so determined to honor those vows. 

It’s funny how when you are married everyone chides you not to “give up” so easily and tells you how divorce shouldn’t be an option and how you need to “work harder” on your marriage.  Then, after you get divorced they are all saying “why didn’t you leave earlier??”  Umm…  wait a minute!  I thought I was supposed to be “making it work” and “fighting for my marriage”. 

We’d married under some pretty old fashioned ideas about marriage and religion as well and were surrounded by like- minded folks.  It wasn’t until I had my affair that a door was opened back into the “world” and freedom for me.  It was the guy I had the affair with that reminded me that not only were men still attracted to me and wanted to have sex with me, but that someone could appreciate ME and my interests and my writing.  He actually was a big part in encouraging me to get back to a more “normal” state of living as well.  In order to continue on what we had I needed a cell phone and started getting away from the house to attend MOPS meetings (Moms of Preschoolers, they have on site babysitting in a church) and I even got DSL (like 10 years after everyone else, we finally had internet when I started the affair but it was dial up and very slow). 

So while a lot of people look at affairs as evil, I don’t so much.  Mine was my lifeline and it opened my eyes to what was going on and what I was missing.  Not to say my affair was all candy and roses because we actually had a lot of emotional things to deal with and I cried A LOT over him.  All those tears, that I’d held back for so long I was finally able to open up and express again.  It wasn’t easy but in a lot of ways it was healing for me.  He is also someone who had known me back in those turbulent teen years and just knowing that someone could love me without judgment when he’d been there and seen all my vile “sinful” past, meant a lot.

 So I don’t regret it.  It may have been dishonest but that was my ticket out for good. It also helped me cope when my ex “fell in love” with someone else that didn’t even want him and got a sexual harassment type charge filed against him at work.  I don’t know how I would have gotten through that if my heart wasn’t already elsewhere.  Divorce wasn’t easy but I’m so glad I’m not in that prison of a marriage any longer.  You can read more about the affair in Confessions of a Cheater if you haven’t already. 

This is also a continuation of the three previous posts about my ex husband and the spiritual and emotional abuse that occurred and his passive aggressive behavior.