This is one of those posts that has the potential to upset and offend just about everyone in some way or another, so I’ve been procrastinating, lol, but there have been a couple of times I said I would write it up. So, here you go, in question and answer format.
Most of these are real questions that people have asked at some time or another. Don’t expect them to be politically correct and I can’t be responsible for other people’s thought processes. Some, I find offensive too, but I’m going to attempt to answer them anyhow. I’m a big fan of DISCUSSING things rather than shushing people up and telling them they are wrong to ask.
I’m writing it out in this manner because I think the assumptions people make can be really crazy and so far off from the truth. Sometimes I understand why they might think a certain way and others I am just shaking my head. Still, its not like everyone doesn’t wonder. Maybe YOU were too afraid to ask ;).
Ever since high school, I’ve been getting this:
Lovergirl, why don’t you ever date white guys?
Who says I don’t? Why would they assume this? Mostly it’s…white guys..who ask. I guess its true, that even back then, the majority of the guys I dated were black. Still, I’m a never say never kind of girl, especially when it comes to things like sex. 😉
Just for fun, I sat down and figured out the actual percentages for you. Yeah, I was feeling like a nerd. 😉 This is the breakdown of guys I “count” as having had sex with (invoking the Bill Clinton clause-it doesn’t include oral). Here are my pussy’s demographics:
Mixed race- 7.35%
In every case the “mixed” group was a mix of black and white.
Actually, the first guy I ever had sex with was white, followed by the second guy, who was Asian and then the third, who was black. Bam! Bam! Bam! Got that out of the way as soon as I could, hahaha. 😉 I’m playing. I honestly didn’t even think about it at the time, though now it is kind of cool to be able to say I’ve tasted the rainbow. 🙂
Anyhow, we’ve established that its not “never”. I’ve always been kinda bugged by people who say they would “never” date someone of a different race, but it’s even more weird when you apply that to your own! How can you block out an entire race of people from your sexual realm of possibility, and how lame is it to discount your OWN freaking race?? WTF??
Honestly, it bothers me when I hear black men say they won’t date black women and I fully understand why some black women get pissed. The other day at the swinger party where I was talking with two women, a white guy (the one I had just given a blow job to, actually) walked out the door and they both commented that he was cute but they couldn’t fuck him. The one girl said “I just can’t do white guys anymore” and the other agreed. They were both white. I kept my mouth shut but inwardly I was rolling my eyes.
HOWEVER, that said, I clearly do have a preference. My general preference is black men. That is USUALLY what I am attracted to. It’s actually a very strong preference, as you can see from my numbers above. I sometimes don’t want to admit it, like when the Professor was looking at my swinger site emails and noticed “you don’t even open the white guys’ mail!” That wasn’t entirely true though, I just hadn’t opened MOST of their mail, lol.
Is it because you hate your dad and are trying to get back at him?
This one is kind of entertaining. Because, well, I didn’t really know my dad until I was a teenager and in the meantime, I had three stepdads. The first one was white, the second was from South America and the third was black.
I hated my third stepdad, and still do, but the last way I would try to “get back” at him would be to date black men. So, hopefully that answers the question as to whether I would date that way because I was “close” to my stepfather too. NOPE.
If my black stepfather had been my only exposure to black men and I was one to assume they were all like him, I’d be a racist bitch. It didn’t happen that way though, thankfully. Maybe because I was around enough OTHER family members, who were also black, to not make those kinds of assumptions.
I always felt like I was treated like part of the family, for the most part. While some of his family weren’t too keen on the fact that he was married to a white woman, they didn’t take it out on ME, because I was a kid. I was just thrown into the mix with the zillions of cousins running around and really no one seemed to think much of it.
Is it because black guys have bigger dicks?
I’ve gone over this one in my post Big Black Men, Is it True? So if you haven’t read that, head over there. The answer is no. That really has nothing to do with it at all. When white guys tell me they are “black below the belt” it doesn’t turn me on. I’m just shaking my head.
Is it because you fucked black guys at a young age and “once you go black you never go back?”
Again, I am a never say never kind of girl, remember? Even after sleeping with a lot of black guys, I went away to an almost totally white college and guess who I fucked there? White guys! In fact, that is where I met my ex husband, who was white.
I get this question more from black men than white ones, actually. What was really entertaining was after I first met my ex husband and went back home for the summer.
When I first came back, some girlfriends and I went over to this guy’s house. There were probably like 15 people over there hanging out. Maybe 5 girls and 10 guys, all of whom were black (except me). One of the guys asked who I was dating and I told them about my ex.
He thought that was crazy and announced “Lovergirl is dating a white dude!!!” Soon, the attention was all on me, while he and a few of the other guys grilled me right and left and totally made fun of that fact.
He was like “you aren’t really dating a white guy, you can’t date a white guy! Once you go black you NEVER go back”. The girls had to jump in “how can you tell her she can’t date a white guy?? She’s white! You act like she’s black or something!!” He asked “what’s his name?” and I told him his name and he starts busting out laughing and all the guys are “that is such a white name, hahahaha”. I said “he’s white!” lmao “what do you expect?? You want his parents to give him a black name?” hahaha
The teasing went on for awhile, with the guys telling me he was probably cheating on me and me saying “no he isn’t”. The girls were like “he’s not cheating on her! He’s white!!” and the guys were saying he was probably doing so right at that very moment. :p Then they threatened to call my ex boyfriend, the crazy drug dealer one, and tell him the news. They were pretending to pick up the phone and I was all “go ahead!! Why would he care, I’m not talking to him anymore anyway”.
The whole thing ended with the guy whose house we were at telling me I “even look more white” and pretending to sneer at me, lmao. Then he was like “you’ll be back…wait”. Hahaha I guess I can’t argue about that. 😉
Hold on, wait. You have sex with all these black guys and then the guy you chose to MARRY was white? Is this some sort of latent racism? Did you think he was better marriage material and a better person to make babies with because of his whiteness?
No. It wasn’t because he was white that I married him. I actually always wanted to have a biracial baby, because of my little brother and sister. When they were born I was a young teenager and took care of them all the time. I thought they were the cutest things on earth and adored my younger siblings. I totally wanted a mixed race baby, lol.
However, I DID think my ex husband was completely different from all the other guys I had been with and more “marriage material”. So this question gave me a pause for just a minute. Why did I think that? Was it more than just the fact that he had been the one to ASK me to get married or that his parents kind of pressured us in that direction? I never dated any black guys whose parents were pressuring them to marry a white girl, btw, lol.
If there was ONE stereotype I think I had in my head at the time regarding black men, it was that “black men always cheat”. I know that this is probably unfair, and of course not always true, but it is what it is. I’d grown up with that imbedded into my brain, mainly from black women! Not to mention I’d had quite a few experiences of being cheated ON by black guys, including 3 who impregnated someone else whilst we were dating.
I didn’t want to marry someone who would cheat on me. So I think in some way that probably DID factor into my decision at the time. Now that I’m older and wiser I’d say everyone cheats, or they will, if they have the option. If they have the option and don’t think they would get caught, years after being married…I suspect MOST men AND women, would cheat, black or white.
Shortly before I actually ended up cheating on my ex husband, I was emailing back and forth with a friend I hadn’t seen in a long time on MySpace. She is biracial and has 5 kids with like 5 different dads. She was relaying a story of one of the dads, who had asked her to marry him and got her to come to another state and even gave her a ring, before she discovered that he was ALREADY married and had given her his current wife’s ring! Nuts.
She said “you’re lucky, you married a white guy, you don’t have to worry about him cheating on you”. She went on to lament that she could never date a white guy herself. I guess I’ll never know if my ex actually cheated on me but he did eventually fall in love with someone else, so there goes that theory down the drain!
Anyhow, sometimes I kind of wish I had married a black man. For all the negative press black men get, I’m virtually always impressed by what great fathers the guys I see are. I mean, they go over and above, and I am so sad for my own children that they don’t have that.
I think a lot of black men, these days, make it a HUGE priority to be a good dad. It’s like all their lives they have seen the negative effects in the black community and all the stereotypes and go completely the opposite direction. I wish someone had drilled this into my ex husband’s head while they were knocking him over it with the Bible. Sigh…
You must have a sexual “fetish” for black men.
I don’t think that is the case. It’s true that I am more physically attracted, usually, to black men. Why that is, I can’t say for sure. I can say that there are plenty of black men I am NOT attracted to and that the ones I am, tend to fall into a very specific “type”. So like any other “type” that a person has, mine is black men that fall into whatever attraction template I have. Actually, I think I have a couple. Most of the guys I see, look or act, in some way, like a man that I have liked previously. I guess that is part of my natural selection bias.
I also prefer black men to date, not just for sex. I tend to feel a lot more comfortable with black men and have more in common. Maybe that is due to not having been around as many white guys growing up. Even when I had the South American stepfather, most of the families we associated with were not white. I sometimes have a harder time relating to white guys, despite being white myself.
Even with my ex husband, I never really felt “close” to him, whereas a lot of times I can talk better with black men and feel more understood. Maybe it is because I don’t really have the same cultural background as most white men. When I went away to an all white, country, college, it was actually kind of a culture shock for me. The music, movies, and general attitude that I grew up with veered more towards black than white. Not that I didn’t have white friends or go to predominately white schools, because I did, but at home it was different.
So what is it that you like about black men and why do you think you choose them?
This is the hard part, because I can’t write it without admitting to having some stereotypes. I like to think I don’t, but I guess we all do to some extent, like it or not. Here is the deal though, I have certain traits that I like and have come to look for in men. In my experience, it is much EASIER to find what I am looking for in a black man.
What I think it boils down to, is that I percieve black men as being more “Alpha” in general. Before the white guys get too upset and disagree, let me explain. It’s not that white guys don’t sometimes have “Alpha” characteristics or that ALL black men fit the description. It just seems, in our culture and at least, here in the U.S., that with white guys it’s something like 20% of the population versus 80% of black men.
Let’s say, for example, that I am looking for a man who is dominant in bed. I go on a sex site and find 10 black guys and 10 white guys. Probably 8 of the black men are going to fit that description, but only 2 of the white guys. Since the majority of the population is white (and especially where I live now), if I just focus on the black men, I can get what I want a LOT faster and not have to filter through zillions of passive white dudes. Plus, because there are few black men in this area, I have an even smaller group to narrow it down to.
Ever feel like you are totally overwhelmed at Walmart because there are sooo many choices to pick from, for something as basic as shampoo? It’s like I don’t even know where to start and I don’t want to try each one to figure out if it (he) is what I am looking for. Would be much faster to run around the corner to the place that only sells a few salon brands.
Anyow, that might be a bad analogy because I usually do just grab a Walmart shampoo, lmao, and I like to try different ones. 😉 But hopefully, I’m making SOME sense.
What are the traits that you associate more often with black men, that you like?
Well, we have established the more dominant part. I think that tends to be true, both in and out of the bedroom. Now get ready for the massive generalizations, but I find them to be mostly true in my experience.
In general, black men that I meet, are more likely to have some of the following characteristics:
Dress nicely (white European guys do this but in the U.S., white guys tend to think this is “gay”)
Take good care of their physique or are “athletic”
Clean freaks (I love this and you rarely come across black men that are slobs)
LIKE to talk about relationships, and sex (for some reason white guys don’t seem as interested in this a lot of times)
Less emotionally reserved and more willing to talk about feelings
More of a gentleman in how they treat women
More supportive, emotionally
Put more emphasis on family and ties to friends
AND…what I know you really want to know…IN the bedroom
More emotionally expressive and PASSIONATE
More appreciative of my body
More dominant and commanding
More sensual and “romantic”
Care more about my pleasure in a non-supplicating way
There are plenty of lame black men out there too, but I do seem to be able to find what I am looking for more often and I do love the color contrast of dark skin on lighter skin in bed. I’ve been with a couple of white guys that were good in bed but they didn’t open up as much. I’ve also had a disproportionate amount of one night stands with white guys. It’s like they are quicker to hit it and quit it or think of you as “slutty” afterwards.
My other deal with the white guys I have come across on dating sites is that they seem to go to extremes. It’s like they are either super passive or they go crazy with it and take “dominant” to mean rough, aggressive and MEAN, which I hate. I once put out a Craigslist ad looking for a “freak” in the bedroom. It was like all the black guys knew exactly what I meant but the white guys were talking about totally off the wall shit, involving all kinds of props and stuff that I would never want to do. I don’t know, maybe that’s just part of the communication barrier I was talking about earlier.
I know some of you all are probably chomping at the bit by now, but these are just my observations, experiences and feelings. Thoughts?