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Another wipeout…

wipeout

Well, Radioman is gone. It looks like it’s pretty much time to wipe the slate clean and start all over again, with new men. Let me tell you a little bit about what happened.

Besides an occasional rendezvous with the CEO, Radioman has been the main man in my life for the past several months. I’ve been seeing him a couple times a week, and felt like the emotional bond was getting stronger. We were casual, but comfortable and seemingly happy. He was my mainstay and I really didn’t feel the need to spend much time with anyone else.

Actually, recently, he had started to express a little more jealousy. When I was out with a girlfriend, he asked me not to sleep with any other men. Yet, at the same time he was asking questions about a possible threesome with her or another woman. Typical. Still, he claimed he wasn’t sleeping with anyone else.

On top of that, we had gotten the radio station together with my company to do a little temporary project. It was fun and we were enjoying seeing each other at work. Or so it seemed….

I was really starting to wonder if maybe, just maybe, Radioman was someone I could see myself with long term. He had started bringing up topics like how he hates living alone and wanted a woman to come home to. He said he missed having someone cook for him and be there to talk to at the end of the day. He even asked me to come over and just be there with him, he said it didn’t have to be all about sex. He even invited me to come cook dinner at his house because my oven wasn’t working, he said just so he could smell the food, even if he wasn’t eating it, lol.

I still had reservations, in the back of my mind. I wondered, could I really be faithful to someone like Radioman? I know he would want that. From what I know of his ex wife, she got BORED. Also, he struggles financially with all the child support he pays, having 3 children with three different women. Then there is the gambling… Yet I thought, maybe. Maybe I am being too picky and can’t afford to be that way. I do really enjoy my time with him and I feel comfortable, if not in love. Maybe I should give it a chance.

All that was blown out of the water very quickly though. First, there was an incident at work where I had to leave early and he was apparently hitting on my co-worker. He added her on Facebook and since I was friends with both of them it popped up.

I was pretty upset. I was MORE upset that he was possibly damaging a relationship with my co-worker than I was worried about how it would affect me and him. I most definitely do not need competition over men at work. A big part of my job is being able to be in good spirits and having fun with the people I work with in order to make sales. I told him if he is pursuing her then we need to be done.

We got into it and he seemed sincerely apologetic. He swore up and down that it was all just friendly and business but she said she had felt uncomfortable with it too. He yelled at me for over an hour about how innocent he was and said that couldn’t I see from all this how much he CARED about me? He said he really only wanted ME and that was why he was here fighting for this relationship, almost like we were “married” (his words). He agreed to delete her and that it wouldn’t happen again.

I finally relented and forgave him and for the next week he seemed much more concerned about showing me he cared. He was going way out of his way to call, text, and invite me over. It was almost to the point of being annoying.

All seemed well, or so I thought. The following weekend it all disappeared. He showed up, at an event he knew I would be working, with a DATE.

He had been texting me repeatedly, throughout the day, asking questions. So he KNEW I was going to be there and knew what time. He even TOLD me he was coming and I said great, maybe I can come hang out with you for a little bit. He insisted that he wouldn’t want me to do that, since he knew I had to make sales. I was like, its really not a big deal I can leave for a while if I want to.

Thirty minutes before he arrived, he texted and told me that since he had extra tickets from the radio station, he was going to meet a friend and “her” kids. That made me feel weird and I wasn’t sure what to think. He and I have never done anything with my children. Still, I thought, okay, maybe I should chill out and its just platonic. He does have a lot of friends.

I saw him, and the woman and her daughter, so he came over and said hi. The woman was ugly, in my opinion, and she kind of hung back a bit. Finally, he introduced us and it all just felt really uncomfortable. I could tell the teenage daughter did not feel good about it. Something wasn’t right.

The longer I worked, while they were walking around doing whatever, the more my blood began to boil. I just couldn’t believe, out of all the places in the city he could have gone, that he brought another woman to the place he knew I was going to be, on what appeared to be a “date”. We hadn’t gone on a date since the first couple of times we were together, before having sex. It seemed very disrespectful and in my face.

I finally texted him later that night and asked him about it. He said I was tripping and that she was just a friend. So I went over to his Facebook page and saw that she had tagged him a couple of days prior, when he took her out to a restaurant for lunch! It happened to be a day that he had told me he was with a “client”. I was PISSED!

So I emailed her on Facebook, told her I was the woman she met and asked what their relationship was. She said they had been friends for a long time, but were on a date and that he was pursuing her hard for a relationship. They hadn’t had sex yet.

I questioned him again and he was still being evasive, until I told him I had talked to HER. She asked me to ask him if he wanted to date her to see what he would say. He wouldn’t answer for a very long time and then he finally asked her to be his girlfriend and told me that is what he had wanted all along.

OUCH. Ouch. Just ouch. 😦 I am glad I confronted it all head on though, rather than allow myself to continue to be disrespected. I blocked him on Facebook and put all his text messages to spam. I can see that he hasn’t tried to contact me anyway, but I feel better not being tempted to respond if he does.

I’m still a little bit shell shocked. It definitely hurt and I cried quite a bit over the abandonment of it all but I know I am going to be okay. I know, logically, that I had questions in my mind about him anyway and that he wasn’t the man for me, but I still felt attached. It had been almost 9 months since we started sleeping together.

It reminds me SO MUCH of what happened with the Producer, if any of you all remember THAT story. Sigh. Why do other women always get chosen over me? This woman wasn’t even physically attractive, that I could see. Her face was sort of worn and leathered, like that of a former drug addict or someone who has had a hard life.

I don’t understand. Maybe its because she was holding out on sex? He was already treating her better than he treated me, from the get go. He took her out to a nicer restaurant, and according to her, to the movies, AND he was taking her to a party at the radio station the next night. Not to mention the event I was working at.

Why? Why? Why? I feel so defeated, like giving up. Is something wrong with me?

A funny twist in it all- the very next night I got asked out on a double date by some guys that live out of town but were working here with me. After dinner, my phone died and I was in the heart of the city trying to figure out how to get home. So, I just started driving and looking for something familiar.

I ended up in the shopping district and got out at a gas station to ask directions. When I walked out of the door, I was standing smack dab in front of the Married Man that I haven’t seen in forever! He said I looked good and he wanted to start seeing me again. I probably would have that night if I hadn’t been on my period. 😉 Maybe again soon.

In the meantime, I’ve gone out on a couple of dates with different guys. I had sex with one. He is a professional boxer and personal trainer and is here from out of town for a tournament. He’s a nice looking guy and has a big dick but there really isn’t a whole lot else to say about him, lol. The sex was decent, but nothing out of this world.

I went out with someone else last night but he definitely wasn’t for me. I guess I just need to keep playing the numbers game and see what I come up with. Wish me luck!

Another house party (part 1)

house-party

I’m eager to write about what happened this weekend, though short on time.  So bear with me if I can’t finish it all and you are left with another cliff hanger. 😉

Mr. Firm has begun reading my blog.  So far so good.  😉  He really seems to like it!  Whew!!  Of course, when I had texted with him last, he was only back to like August of this year.  He hadn’t read about all the drama with the Professor, my past, some of my more weak, insecure postings.  If he keeps reading he will see it all, the good, the bad and the ugly.

I was totally relieved by his response to what he has read thus far.  He said not to be embarrassed, that my experiences don’t even scratch the surface of some of the stuff he has done.  I believe him, lol.  You don’t get that good in bed without some serious practice!! 😉 It’s a really good feeling to have acceptance from someone who knows me personally, after reading all I have written. I feel like I have trusted the right person.  So few men are able to truly handle my sexuality, and with him I feel safe.

He said we will have a lot to discuss and he may even make some comments on the blog.  I think that will be very educational.  I’m pretty sure he’s someone I can and will learn a LOT from, both inside and outside the bedroom.  I look forward to what the future holds in that regard, especially now that he knows some of my deep, dark desires. 😉  Of course, he said he had me pegged on a lot of that stuff already, I guess due to how we interact and in the bedroom plus what he has seen in others.

He says he is going to answer some of my questions, like what he means when he says I fuck him like he “needs” and whether I missed out on not coming for a gangbang.  LMFAO, that should be eye opening!  😉 🙂 I’m looking forward to more of his response.

In the meantime I had another interesting weekend!!  I attended another party thrown by The Host.  It wasn’t quite as fun as the last time but I had my share of adventures!

Right before leaving town, the Professor texted me.  He asked what I was doing and seemed kind of upset that I was leaving to go to a party.  I felt like he was trying to guilt trip me, like he did in the past when we were seeing each other.  Only now, he really has no excuse.  He said he knew I was probably going to “have fun” and I said “maybe” and he said “yeah right, you know you will”.  He seemed a tad jealous, but hey, he’s not fucking me, so why does it even matter anymore? It’s been 9 months since we have had sex.

Anyhow, I got to the party and was a little disappointed.  There weren’t as many people there as last time, even though I arrived almost two hours after it started.  There were a few of the same couples and people but most I didn’t recognize from the last party.  I have seen quite a few of them at other swinger clubs however.  It made me feel a little better about him not inviting Mr. Firm.  Maybe he was just trying to vary the list and only invited a handful of the same folks, like me and this couple that was in the bed with us last time.  His cousins, the two I had played with, were there and one woman who I met before who later told me she is his Aunt.  A few of the single women were the same and I figure maybe that’s because they are people he is fucking, lol.

In any case, at first I couldn’t even find HIM because I guess he was out in the garage smoking with a bunch of people, and I don’t smoke, so I hadn’t even realized they were out there.  Nevertheless, I talked a little bit with the security guys and made my way around the house to see who was there.  I spoke with a couple people I recognized before finally finding Mr. Host and him telling me where I could find some wine.  I was cautioned by several people, somewhat jokingly, not to drink too much.  I guess my passing out last time made an impression, ha!  People were monitoring my drink levels the whole entire party. :p  I was only allowed 3 cups. lol

Anyhow, I mingled and chatted and did my thing though it at first seemed a little more difficult than last time.  A few different guys kind of hit on me but none of them seemed that appealing.  Still, I tried to be friendly.

After awhile people started to go into some of the back bedrooms and close doors.  We all know what that means.  😉  So I found an excuse to make my way back to the “public” play room that was the main bedroom.  In there a woman was using a Hitachi magic wand on another woman while several couples and a few singles watched.  When I walked in the door I was invited to be next, and I obliged.

I lay on the bed, while the redheaded girl I went down on at another party cleaned off the wand.  She sprayed some cotton candy lube in my mouth, saying taste this stuff, its really good isn’t it?  She said she had gotten it at a Passion Party.  That reminds me that I have a girlfriend from high school who throws those.  She’d tried to get me to have one awhile back, a “divorce party” after my marriage fell apart, but I felt like, at the time, none of the ultra conservative Christian people I was hanging around with would have been interested, lol.

Anyhow, while like 20 people watched, she helped me pull off my clothes and boots and put the toy against my clit.  Part of the time she was fingering me as well and the whole thing felt really good.  The older black man from the previous party, the one who had cum all over my face in 15 seconds, pulled down my top and started sucking on one of my boobs.  A Mexican girl started playing with the other.  People continued to walk in and out of the room to see what was going on and she upped the vibrator to a level 5 (out of 10). It had some sort of pulsating motion that was feeling really good. She said that was her favorite level too.

The older guy moved out of the way and I think motioned to his wife, who came over and started sucking on my boob in his place. I finally came, not loudly like I sometimes do during sex, but enough that people could tell that I needed to stop.

I am not sure who all was even in there at that point but I know I’d seen the host come in and out and some other single guys. One of the security guys, the one I’d had sex with the time before, was paying attention because he commented that he’d seen I was having fun. He and I continued to flirt a bit throughout the party and he had told me he couldn’t wait to get finished “working” so we could play.

After I walked out of the room, I heard a woman moaning loudly in another bedroom. Outside the door was a guy listening in and he said “that’s my wife and the Host”. He looked to be enjoying it.

I continued to mingle and awhile later the redhead who had used the magic wand on me comes up and says in a low voice, “OMG, did you see that guy I just came out of the room with?” I said no and she was like “his dick is THIS BIG” motioning with her hands. “It was HUGE, I don’t mean just kind of huge, I mean HUGE, like where it actually hurt and I have never even seen a dick that big”. I asked who it was and she kind of described him and said he was wearing a blue shirt.

So I took note but didn’t see the guy for a bit until she passed me near the stairs and says “that’s him, over there”. Oh, okay, that guy had been trying to hit on me earlier and I thought he was lame. I’d gotten kind of bored and made an excuse to ditch him. Now, I was sufficiently curious, lmao. I decided I’d have to let him try again later. 😉

So after awhile I see him and the redheaded girl together on the couch and I decided to join them. I sat on the other side of her and they were sharing pictures and looking at the swinger site. She kind of discreetly flashes me a dick pic that he had just sent on her phone. It did look pretty big, though you can’t always tell in a picture. I had to see this in real time to decide if I agreed, lol. The three of us talked for a couple minutes before she got up and left.

Of course, then he starts trying to talk to me again. I listened while he told me how he would love to take me on a date and to the movies and out to eat. He said I seem like the type of girl that would love to go to “vanilla parties” and just do “vanilla” things with him. WTF? Why would I be here then?? I figured he must be worn out from the sex and was trying to make a date for later because of that.

He blabbed on and on about how all the white girls where I live are so enlightened and intelligent and they all listen to rnb (because I said that was my favorite genre when he asked). Yeah right! I live in a racist, redneck hell-hole that doesn’t even HAVE an rnb station, and most people there listen to country music and lame ass pop. Whatever, but he was clearly trying to flatter me that way.

I’m thinking, I wish this guy would just shut up and pull out his cock already, lol. We exchanged numbers, and FINALLY he kisses me. We made out for a little bit before he asked me if I wanted to go back to one of the bedrooms.

So we go in the room and clothes start coming off and and he finally pulls off his pants. That girl was NOT LYING, lmao!! He was freaking HUGE! He had to be over 10 inches and as thick as my wrist!! It was like a freaking tree trunk! I was seriously kind of glancing down there thinking “oh crap, I don’t know if I can do this” haha.

I started giving him a blow job and was very thankful for the practice I’ve had with my fuck buddy and someone who was really thick around. Because I at least had some idea what to do when you can barely get your mouth around it. He seemed to be enjoying it a lot. He went down on me too and was pretty good at that.

He put on a condom (yeah all those guys who claim that their magnum condoms are too tight are lying, lmao, cause if this guy could wear one anyone could). The sex was fairly good, though he had to go slow. When he asked me to get on my hands and knees though, I was a bit reluctant. I’m thinking, how the fuck does he think I am going to be able to do that?? Hahaha but I just said “BE CAREFUL” and we kind of managed, with him going very slow. It still hurt at some angles and it wasn’t like we could finish that way.

He pulled out, took off the condom, and I blew him some more. He asked if he could cum in my mouth and I didn’t answer right away. I really didn’t want him to. I love it when its with a guy I am into, but really, those are few and far between. With most guys it seems repulsive. It’s like a mental block, I have to be really into the guy or the sex to want to swallow his cum.

He asked again and I kind of shook my head no. So he pulled it out and said then he was gonna save his cum for next time, so I’d be sure to have something to come back for. :p Asshole, lol.

Don’t think I finished here, though that was mostly the end with that particular guy. There’s still lots more to tell. I have to get off the library computer now though. Booo!! Till next time!

Thoughts on submission

submission

Lately I’ve been pondering some things about dominance and submission.  Now, before you get too excited, realize I’ve never considered myself as a part of the BDSM community.  I really don’t know a whole lot about it, just read little bits here and there. 

I find it somewhat fascinating but at the same time scary sounding.  I’m not fond of being in pain or hurting anyone so that part doesn’t sound appealing to me.  I see things like floggers, electric shockers, and nipple clamps and I’m thinking OMG, no, not for me!

I had a chance to talk with a male friend once who had gone to his very first BDSM convention.  He talked about some of the workshops and about people who wore latex masks over their heads and all kinds of things I had never heard of (at the time) that were happening.  It was very interesting, but for me pretty much stopped there. 

That’s not to say I’m not curious.  I’m curious about things like what it would be like to be tied up or blindfolded.  I wonder just how much spanking I could handle (I do like that!).  All in all, my thoughts about it are pretty tame, compared to what I know is out there, and I’ve probably only scratched the surface as far as reading and learning about BDSM.

I find the idea of power play a little more intriguing than the pain aspect.  I’ve experienced some of that with my lovers and it has turned me on.  Some things that come more naturally, and don’t require props or safewords, have been part of my sex life on many of occasions. 

I’ve always been really turned on by men that are very dominant in bed.  Not mean though, it doesn’t excite me when someone calls me names or gets overly rough.  No, I like them passionate in an almost romantic way in the bedroom.  Passionate and in control, but still very affectionate and focusing on getting ME off, rather than their own selfish desires, that will get satisfied in the end anyhow.

I guess that’s a pretty tall order.  Maybe I am spoiled because I have found men who have been able to give me that very thing.  As few and far between as they may be, I’m becoming more adroit at identifying those that can satisfy the cravings of my mind and body. 

Recently, when I was having dinner with a man I have met at some swinger parties and a couple he was here visiting; the topic of choking came up.  None of them found it to be a sexual turn on.  I said that I had thought I never would either, but when it actually happened during sex, it turned me on much more than expected.  They looked at me like I’d grown another head!  LOL

Yet, it’s true.  I had always thought I would hate being choked during sex.  I was terrified of the idea.  Yet the first time a man did it to me in the bedroom, I came.  It was actually right before I met the married man who made me cum so many times in a row and it was mild in comparison, but it happened.  It was with my FWB who does have a tendency to like a little roughness between the sheets. When I told Mr. Firm of our dinner conversation he laughed and said a lot of women say one thing but in bed like another. He was like “I could tell you liked that”.

It calls to mind memories of the guy who was my very favorite sex partner as a teenager.  We hated each other’s guts!  Pretty much anyway, lol.  Yet, the sex was addicting.  We’d come back to fucking again and again, despite the way we treated one another outside the bedroom. 

I’ve mentioned him a few times on my blog.  The first time we had sex it was actually forced and as part of a bunch of guys pulling a train on me, one that I didn’t want to participate in.  I had willingly slept with the first guy but HE was the 2nd, the one who got on top of me and wouldn’t get off or allow me to get dressed.  He wouldn’t take no for an answer and slowly inched his way in, despite my protests, all while confusing me even more with the things he was whispering in my ear.

 Despite the fact that I was adamant about not wanting to have sex with him, he was deliberately turning me on.  He knew what he was doing and I can guarantee that wasn’t the only time he’s done it.  It happened again, a second time, where they pulled a train on me and he was again the person that pushed it.  The first time we were in a park and the police showed up before the guys scattered and the second we were in a house and I was alone in a room on the couch with the other guy before he came in. 

Those were actually fairly traumatic experiences for me emotionally but like I have said before I continued to have sex with him.  Outwardly, I couldn’t stand this guy.  I couldn’t stand his asshole attitude (I even call him The Asshole in one of my blog posts, My Deep, Dark Past).  He was a real jerk and we would be at each other’s THROATS in arguments. 

I can remember one time, being at a party in this guy’s backyard and we got into it.  We were yelling and cussing at one another over something and he suddenly picked me up off the ground and started walking.  I was actually a little scared of what he was about to do.  He picked me up and carried me down those basement steps, stopping to pretend he was going drop me every once in a while, causing me to scream and hang onto his neck. 

When we got to the bed, he threw me on it and started pulling off my clothes.  I didn’t say no that time but he took exactly what he wanted and it got a little rough.  He was shoving my face down on the pillow and at some point a couple guys came down and were watching.  It was hot!! 😉  LOL

There was another time we had been dropped off at this Mexican drug dealer’s house and were stuck there all night.  All the bedrooms were occupied and he and I were in the living room, fighting like cats and dogs.  One of the Mexican guys finally came out of his room and threw a pair of boxing gloves at us, telling us to shut up already and just duke it out.  Haha.

Later, some really creepy, crackhead looking motherfuckers with missing teeth came to the house and we were stuck with them too, in the living room.  They were adults and we were still really kids and these guys were leering and hitting on me.  I was scared, but The Asshole actually stood up for me, backed me up against the wall behind him and was cussing them out and threatening them. 

We ended up having sex after that, on the floor in another room and all the tension was relieved.  He let me sleep up next to him, with his arm out across me to ward off the bad guys, lol. 😉 He’s really not all that bad, though he did spend some years in prison after being tried as an adult for holding up someplace with a gun, soon after.

The day before that happened was the last time I ever touched him.  He came up behind me, while I was standing in a front yard at this guy’s house and put me in a choke hold with a loaded gun up against my head.  He said “don’t move or I’ll shoot”.  I said “you wouldn’t shoot me”.  He cocked the gun and pulled his arm tighter around my throat “say I won’t!!”  I said “you’d miss me too much” and he was like “say I won’t do it” and looked me in the eye. I said “do it then” and turned my cheek toward him. He stood there. “Come on then, do it! I dared him. He kind of smirked and put down the gun.  I could tell by the look in his eyes he could never go through with that ;). 

He’s on my Facebook now and he’s married and life has changed, but I told that story to illustrate how early on in life I was already getting off a little bit on a power exchange dynamic.  It was hot!!  He was great in bed for how young we were and despite being rather forceful would turn into an almost totally different person with the passion and affection and things he would say to me (he loved to talk during sex).

Nowadays I have come to realize just how much I ENJOY a man taking control in the bedroom and that feeling of helplessness.  All of my favorite men have at some point called me “really submissive”.  I hope, and think, that means they like it!  LOL  My ex- husband sure didn’t, because he was the same way. 

I’ve struggled a bit, with the whole being submissive thing, because I know I am and that naturally that is just me.  However, so many people seem to equate it with weakness.  If I’m honest I would say that actually in a way I do too.  My ex husband’s submissiveness was a total turn off to me.  I didn’t want a man to act weak in the bedroom. 

So I wonder, if men really even like that?  I sometimes feel like I am not DOING anything and wonder why men still say I am good in bed.  Do some people actually enjoy and LIKE it when someone is letting them call all the shots?  I know there are guys that do, it’s just so hard for me to picture being on the other end of that.

Mr. Firm always says I fuck him just the way he “needs”.  I love that he tells me that but am a little puzzled by what he actually means.  I find HIM very fulfilling because he is that perfect combination of dominant and sweet and he can make me cum again and again.  I’m quite happy to be on the receiving end of all that, lol. 😉

He said recently that I am so submissive he can’t picture me being dominant, even with another woman.  I had to think about that for a minute because I am pretty sure I wouldn’t want to be, but at the same time the idea of submitting to another female kind of gives me a pause.  I don’t think I would want to!  Not really.  I have an inkling that if a woman started trying to tell me what to do in bed it would piss me off!   I’m happier and more comfortable with something equal.

I think the reason it is different with men has something to do with just loving to see all that masculine POWER.  I don’t desire that from a woman.  I love when a guy can just take me and do whatever he wants, but where I trust him enough to know he also wouldn’t really hurt me.

From me, I guess I’d also say submission to someone is a gift.  I don’t act like that with just anyone.  I mean, I don’t boss any guy around in the bedroom, but for me to actively and willingly “submit” there has to be trust involved.  Still, that is where I am at my happiest.  If I can’t get to that point with a man then the sex doesn’t become truly spectacular.

I’m curious to hear from men or women who LOVE being dominant in bed.  What is it that turns you on about a person submitting to you?  When I try to dig up info from that side of the spectrum, there is very little, even on the world wide web!  Lots of people can describe what they love about someone dominating them but what about in reverse?  Why do you like it?  Is there anything a “submissive” person can do to make you like it even more?

Another one bites the dust…

The men in my life are falling like dominoes.  If it weren’t for Mr. Firm, who has been supremely awesome, and my fuck buddy, I’d be high and dry.  In the past week I’ve decided to drop Mr. Motorcycle, the Married Man has taken me off his Facebook (so I’m guessing he is serious about this not wanting to fool around stuff) and as of now I am completely done with the Referee.

Getting rid of Mr. Motorcycle has proven to be a challenge.  He’s not wanting to go without a fight.  After the events of the last party, and after discussing it with a few different people, I decided it was for the best to just end things now, before things get worse.  There are just too many red flags with him and I have some serious suspicions about what went on behind my back at that hotel party with him.

Three different men, who had all been to that party before, listened to my retelling of the events with him and said the same exact thing, that they KNOW he was fucking people in the hotel rooms while I was sitting alone at the party.  Mr. Firm, the Pilot, and the Referee all said that is what happens there during the party and that even signing up all the black guys get invited to these BBC gang bangs that are going on.  They said if he was even gone 20 minutes he HAD to have been fucking someone.

Well, combined with the totally lame excuses he gave me for disappearing I would have to say they are right.  First off, he claimed he was in the hotel room manscaping “for the first time” and it made such a mess that he spent a lot of time cleaning up.  Not only does that not explain his multiple disappearances, but it is a flat out lie.  I have proof in the form of pictures he sent me before we even met of him naked, and completely shaved.  Not to mention there weren’t any dirty towels lying around or anything like that in the hotel room.  What the fuck ever. Who gets dressed up for a party then turns around and decides to manscape in the hotel anyhow?

Since I have told him I am done he has tried EVERYTHING to manipulate me into staying with him.  He said he spent the entire weekend trying to decide to tell me he is falling in love with me.  Then he said he already bought the kids and I Christmas presents and that they were all wrapped and he couldn’t take them back and wanted to bring them over to my house.  I told him not to waste his time.  I’ve had to be pretty harsh.  It’s hard, but I’ve managed to stay firm.  With his background and that “adult abuse without stalking” charge, he freaks me out anyway.  I don’t want to get too involved with a control freak.

I thought things were still awesome with the Referee, but found out differently this weekend.  He had made plans to come visit me but changed them because one of his daughters had won in a college basketball tournament and he wanted to stay for her game.  He said he would pay my gas to come up there and we could go to a party that evening.  Cool.  It was a house party and I was excited to check one of those out.

Before I came up he brought up a couple that he knows that was going to be there.  The woman half is someone he said he was in an “exclusive” relationship for some time with but that she was too jealous and he had to end it.  He said the husband had offered for us to stay at their house but I didn’t think that was a very good idea, considering her jealousy and all and me not knowing these people.  He claimed not to have taken the offer seriously anyway and that he was planning on paying for another night at the hotel. 

The party started at 7 o’clock and the hosts sent out an email asking people to try and arrive around then. I would have to do what I could to get there by then because it would take me about 2 1/2 hrs to get there.  The Referee said all was cool when I texted him I was leaving at 4:45.

So I arrive at the hotel, a Fairfield Marriot.  I call the Referee, no answer.  I text and he doesn’t text back.  He had sent me a copy of the confirmation number before I came up, because it had the address of the hotel.  So I went in and got the room number.  Knocked on the door and there was no answer.  I finally went downstairs and got the people at the front desk to give me a key.  When I got into the room there was no one inside.  There were no suitcases or anything lying around.  The only sign anyone had been there were a couple of wrappers in the trash can.  Supposedly he had stayed there the night before.

I’m puzzled because I had tried calling and texting several more times to no avail.  I decide to just start getting ready for the party, change my clothes and touch up.  By now it is after 8:00 and still no sign of the Referee.  I wonder if I am getting stood up?  So I text the host of the party and ask if by chance he had arrived there, thinking maybe he’d gone to check out the party and was planning to come back.  Nope.  They haven’t seen him but tell me to come on by on my own!

Finally my phone rings and it is the Referee.  He says he went to dinner with that couple “right around the corner” that he had talked about and that he had “left his phone charging in the car” because it was dead.  Give me a fucking break!  Who leaves their car running for an hour and a half with a phone charging in it when they know someone is supposed to be arriving in town?? Supposedly he was on his way back. I was pissed and hung up on him.  I finished getting ready and debated on what to do. 

It was a pretty long time and he still hadn’t shown up, so I decided to gather my bags up and leave.  Just as I am heading out the door he is coming in.  He was like “wait! where are you going?” and trying to talk to me but I just brushed past.  He left his suitcase in the hall and chased after me down to my vehicle, begging me to just wait and go to the party with him.  I told him I am going to the party by myself and he said he wasn’t going to go if I wouldn’t talk to him.  I said I hoped he had fun fucking that woman (which of course he denied) and got in my van. 

After I drove off he called me and said if I wasn’t going to talk to him fine, he would leave and I could keep the hotel room.  I said great, you can stay with your friends.  He said he wasn’t going to do that and kept trying to talk to me. He was like “really?  You are that pissed off about me going to dinner with someone?” and I pointed out that he’d shown up an hour and a half late and just left me hanging, no matter what the hell he was doing.  He knew I was coming to the hotel and supposed to be there a little after 7. 

I got to the party a little after 9. I got in free since I was alone and female. There weren’t a ton of people there yet but the host guy liked me and was showing me around.  He even announced my arrival at the party to groups of people like I was some sort of celebrity, lol.  A single woman there all by myself I might as well have been.  A few different men came up to talk to me at various times.

When I got a minute to head back over to check my phone (which was in my coat by the door) there were texts from the Referee.  He was like “seriously?”.  A little while later he showed up at the party, WITH that couple.  I was chatting with a good-looking, biracial, 24 year old, body builder when he walked in and he didn’t say anything to me but walked into the kitchen with his little friends.

Of course, I’d had to explain to several people why I was there all by myself, and from so far away.  Repeatedly, people said what a dick he is for doing that to you!  He’s losing out!!  He motioned at me once from the kitchen and I discretely flipped him off.

I walked past him at one point and the male half of the couple tried to stop me.  I said (loud enough for the people in the vicinity to hear) to the guy who was with me “this is that couple he stood me up for” and the woman started getting pissy.  I ignored her and walked downstairs.

A while later the body building guy invited me back into a private room.  We went in with the intent to play.  However, he couldn’t get it up, so it was kind of a fail.  I sucked on his floppy little dick to no avail.  He said it was his first party and he was kind of nervous.  He didn’t know why it wasn’t cooperating.  I said that was okay and we eventually headed back out to join the party.

Later on, I ended up in that room again.  This time I was spread eagle on the bed while a woman was using a Hitachi magic wand on me and licking my pussy.  Another woman and man were sucking on my nipples and another guy fingered me.  I also went down on a redheaded girl that was next to me while the wand was being used on her. I had kissed and made out with a couple of different women at the party, one who I had met and made out with when I was with Mr. Motorcycle before. 

The door was supposed to stay closed and “private” when there were people in there but someone let in the Referee.  He came over and tried to play with me too and I put my hand over my pussy to deny him access.  He kept pushing and pulled me away from the people and rather than cause a big scene I finally let him.  He’s the only guy I actually fucked there.

Afterwards, I was ignoring him again.  He and that couple walked past me and I was standing there with the body builder.  I said, that’s the one that ditched me and those are the people and she turned around and started screaming.  She started screaming at me that she hadn’t even fucked him and yelling at the top of her lungs.  I didn’t respond and they walked out the door, together. 

The body builder guy was like “damn, you didn’t even say two words to her and she started flipping out”.  I pointed out that the Referee hadn’t even bothered to stand up for me and just LEFT with this woman.  Nice.  The other people at the party were like damn, what is her problem?  Wow.  At some point earlier another woman had come up to me and said that I was right, that the Referee was really an asshole.  She didn’t say why, but apparently he had pissed her off somehow.

I stayed and talked for a little while but decided to go back to the hotel alone.  The body builder offered to come with me and I said probably not tonight.  I was hoping the Referee would have gone home with those people and I wouldn’t have to see him.  I’d only had two mixed drinks but I didn’t feel like driving all the way home late at night. 

I got back to the room and no one was there so I bolted the door and got ready for bed.  Unfortunately, about half an hour later the Referee showed up.  Long story short he tried every trick in the book, even telling me he “loves” me to get me to forgive him.  Then he started demanding that I owed him sex since he payed for the room for us to be in together.  He only pays like $35 for a room because he gets a special discount but it was a very nice suite.  Still, I told him that I don’t “owe” him anything and that I was totally turned off due to his behavior.

He argued and pushed and argued and pushed, all night long.  At 4 am he still wouldn’t go to sleep even though I’d asked him to just leave me alone.  He said he couldn’t sleep without an orgasm and that he couldn’t get himself off.  Every time he touched me I told him to back off. 

He finally climbed on top of my legs while I was lying on my stomach, and wouldn’t get off.  He said he knew I was horny because I was so wet and I told him not for him.  He started jacking off and trying to rub his cock between my thighs, swearing that was all he was going to do.

He wouldn’t get off me. He finally pretended to “fall” and push it in between my legs, under my panties. Please. Give me a fucking break. I told him to quit and get off me. He did but repeated a similar process again. He begged and pleaded and begged me to fuck him. He tried to say he treats me sooo well and I will never find another man who is so good to me.

At one point he claimed he would call this woman and stand up for me now. I told him to do it. He then said he only had her husband’s number. I said then call him and ask for hers and he said no one does that (eyeroll). He said he is getting out of the lifestyle now and it is all my fault, that he is in love with me and he can’t deal with this kind of stuff. He was so full of shit.

I ended up begrudgingly fucking him, twice, just to get him to leave me alone so I could sleep. No, I really didn’t want to and I flat out told him that. I didn’t cum or anything like that and barely acknowledged him. Then the next morning he tried to say he thought since we had “made love” everything was better. What a freaking joke. I am so, so, so, done. I was so glad to get out of there and never want to see him again. He kept telling me how I am going to miss him and be so sad. Give me a fucking break!!

I’m anal about anal, but(t)….

Anal_Warning

Okay, so I have never been into anal sex.  My first experiences with it were not pleasant and I generally tell my lovers I am not interested.  Still, I’ve never completely discounted that I might do it for *some* guy, at *some* point, if I liked him enough and he was careful.

Most of the men I have been with haven’t pushed it.  They might make suggestive comments once in a while, or ask, but when they see my lack of interest they let it drop, or never actually follow through.  I’ve been especially happy with the men in my life who have done it but aren’t all that into it and don’t even try. 

What can I say?  I know in this day and age it is practically prude not to want anal but it’s just not something that gets me excited.  I don’t even like a finger up there.  Ouch.

Actually, there was a guy once, a long, long time ago, who used to like to stick his finger up there while I was riding him.  It wasn’t so bad and at times I even enjoyed it. I don’t remember it hurting.  Yet when someone tries now, it does.  Go figure.  Maybe the guys I am with now just have bigger fingers?  Hmmm…

As for actual anal, the first time I had it I was 13.  Yes, you read that right.  It was with the first guy I ever had sex with.  We were having sex in a public sauna, near the swimming pool in a hotel, and he suddenly decided to stick his dick in there.  He tried to talk me into it, a little, AS he was doing it, but mostly just shoved it in.  All the way in…. and started pounding.

I got dizzy and lightheaded.  Not to mention it HURT.  I begged him to stop.  Afterwards I nearly threw up.  It wasn’t fun.  My body was nowhere near ready to handle anything like that.  We were young and I have no idea how big his dick was but I would guess somewhere between 7-8 inches.  He wasn’t small.

My second experience, I was 16.  I was seeing that crazy drug dealer guy I have mentioned a few times before, and he would have been like 21-22 at the time.  This guy was ROUGH in bed.  Really, too rough for my liking, to begin with.  The anal, he totally took me by surprise.

I was bent over the bed and we were going at it, when he pulled out and just RAMMED it up my ass.  HARD.  And kept going. My body practically went into shock.  I had a very similar reaction, in that I got so dizzy and lightheaded I nearly fainted, and then felt like I was going to vomit.  I don’t mean just KIND of “felt like,” either time.  I was doubled over and not feeling well for quite a while.

Since then there has been nothing attractive to me about the idea of anal.  Nothing.  Add fear of having my asshole stretched out, or getting hemorrhoids and possible disgusting messes, and yuck…   

On top of that, I have heard some real horror stories regarding anal experiences.  One was actually from a guy who is really into it and was sharing an experience that his roommate had.  According to him, this girl had some issue of backed up constipation.  In a drunken state, she and this guy had anal sex, that ended up in crap, ALL.OVER. THEIR. APARTMENT.   He told me the story in way too much gory detail and I don’t even want to share or you’ll all be retching over your keyboards.  Nasty. 

Being someone who is kind of obsessed with personal hygiene, this stuff REALLY did not appeal to me.  Then there were the stories of enemas.  I guess some women take the time to take THOSE before engaging in anal, you know, to keep it more “clean”.

 Um, the ONLY time I have ever used an enema was before labor was induced with my very first child.  No thanks to my mother in law, who offered this advice, I thought that would help make labor and delivery easier.  Please.  I have had four babies since then and that experience was by far my most difficult.  Never again will I take an enema.  It didn’t help with jack during labor and instead left me doubled over in massive pain, lying on the bathroom floor (but still not in labor) when I needed to get to the hospital for an induction. 

So we’ve pretty much established that I have a “no thanks, I’ll pass” general reaction to anal advances.  If you read my story of my first swinger party, you’ll know a man tried to stick it up there during my first six-some and I wasn’t too thrilled with that either. Still, I know it makes SOME guys happy and that a lot of people are really into it.  I’ve heard stories of women who loved it or even had orgasms from it and sure, I’m still a little curious. 

I’ve been curious if, as an adult and with someone more skilled and careful, my experiences might be different.  I’m still put off by some things (like shitty stories) but there was nothing nasty in either of my previous anal adventures, so I know it isn’t something that HAS to happen.

Keep in mind I’m pretty prim and proper most of the time when it comes to even DISCUSSING anything to do with bathroom habits.  I prefer to pretend it’s not something I ever do, being a “lady” and all.  Heck, I won’t even use terms like “shit” in real life and it’s even hard to type, lol.  People “use the restroom”, they don’t “take a dump” or “crap” or do disgusting things like that.

With all that out of the way, let me tell you what happened today.  I had a date with the Referee, who has been driving this way about once a week for a lunch date.  He again got a room at the Marriot and took me out to lunch at Applebee’s.    It was kind of freaky because the waitress, who waited on us the last time we were there, three weeks ago, said she remembered me ordering exactly the same thing.  Nevermind that I hadn’t remembered my exact order, or even the fact that she had waited on us before, lol.  Wow.  It wasn’t anything unusual or altered from the main menu either.  Crazy.

On the drive over he was playing porn on the dashboard, he said to “get me in the mood”.  Haha…as if I needed that. 😉  He kept telling me how much he likes me, how I have him “addicted” so much that he is driving a couple hours just to see me and getting obsessed.  Yeah, yeah, I’ve heard that before.

He said you aren’t supposed to get this way in the Lifestyle and he knows that but that he has it bad.  He keeps telling me he wants me to be his “wife” and then saying “I’m not trying to scare you though”.  I *think* he is kidding?  :p  When I told him about the party I went to recently he says of course no guy is ever going to want to share me if we are together.  He says I have that “effect” on men and that is going to make it hard for me to swing.

Oh, and he was claiming later, after sex, that he likes me so much that he has pretty much stopped having sex with whoever else he was sleeping with.  But then he let some comment drop about how this woman he normally sleeps with was complaining that he normally nuts 3+ times in a session and that he must be giving it all away to a “younger, hotter, girl”.  Yeah…still trying to discern how full of it he is but I guess you never really know with men.  Some of them just looove to talk like they are all about you, when they are not. 

I’m leery.  But I do like him a lot.  I just don’t want to fall for all the stuff I know I have a tendency to fall for, and he’s really laying it on thick!  He’s like “I want to be your Daddy”, “I want to take care of you”, “you make me want you all to myself”, “I’ve been liking you for a year and a half”, “You’re so beautiful and I like you so much I could wife you up”, “if I’m not careful I am going to want you to have my baby”, “I’m gonna have to get snipped so I won’t want to make you pregnant”, “I don’t want to just fuck when we are together, you are too beautiful for that, I want to treat you special”, “other girls aren’t like you” and “I get depressed when you leave”.  He’s even told me “I love you” a couple times, in bed.

I’m trying really hard to keep all his words from affecting me because I know men say things they don’t mean. It’s just so hard sometimes to be able to tell.  He calls me a couple times a day and likes to call first thing in the morning too.

Anyhow, back to anal.  That’s another thing he’s been on.  Wanting to be the only guy who I am willing to have anal with.  I’ve suspected since the beginning he was angling for that and he’s made it pretty obvious with the stuff he does during sex to try and “prep” me. 

He’ll get his tongue all up in there and spit on it during sex and try and slide his finger around the hole.  He’s asked about anal in the past, and that was the first thing he wanted to know if I’d done with the other guy at the swinger party.  He said I should save it for “Daddy” and then was like “just kidding” but it was obvious he wasn’t really.

Surprise, surprise, this time he went for it.  Before our second round of sex he brought out a vibrator.  It was a vibrating dildo, with a smooth gold surface, but no attachment for the clit, like the one I have.  He put it in me and turned it on.  I’m not sure how much the vibrations actually do INSIDE me because it doesn’t feel like much but it still felt good. 

He moved it in and out and eventually started playing with my ass, licking and eventually trying to stick a finger in it.  He went in for regular sex with me on my stomach, while getting things extra wet, playing with his finger and with the vibrator in front. 

Later, he slid his dick out and started rubbing it around my asshole.  He slowly started trying to ease his way in.  I tensed up a bit but didn’t resist.  He was sweet talking me a bit and promising only to put in “just the head” (yeah, yeah, we all heard that one in high school).  After moving it in and out just a little bit, with the head, he grabbed a bottle of Liquid Silk and started pouring it on. 

That helped it get in just a little bit further, but not much.  He held me still for a while with it in place and would start to move but I’d whimper and he’d pull back a tiny bit or go in just a little bit more.  He maybe got a third of his dick in after a while and was slowly rocking back and forth.  At one point he said he was going to cum, but didn’t.

Then he pulls out and goes RIGHT IN MY VAGINA.  OMG.  I am totally freaking out, thinking he is going to give me some kind of bacterial infection, but I didn’t say anything and he finished off.  I’m still trying to decide how to tactfully bring up to him that I don’t want him to EVER do THAT again.  I am REALLY susceptible to infections, even as a kid I was super sensitive to soaps or bubble baths or anything in that area and have always had to be very careful and hygienic. 

We cleaned up and had a couple more rounds of sex.  He tried to go in my ass again but it was SORE (and still is, hours later) so it wasn’t working.  Since I left, he has texted asking if I am going to let him put it all the way in and that that would make him happy.  Yeah, well, we will see… 

Just a little bit ago Mr. Motorcycle texted and I was busy writing this blog.  He asked if I was getting my freak on and I said “I wish”.  I didn’t mention the fact that I saw the Referee today, because he’s asked me not to tell him if I sleep with other guys.  His response was “yeah, you save that shit for me”.  I was like “is that what you want?” and he said that is one of the things he wants.  I thought we’d gone over this.  Sigh….

Pissed at the Producer

Well folks, it looks like things have come to a halt with the Producer.  I was flaming mad for a few days and have finally calmed down a little bit.  Spending the night with my fuck buddy last night seemed to help a lot.  Gosh, I’d almost forgotten what a huge dick he has, lol.  It’s super thick, on top of being 9 inches long.  The Producer is always bragging about how thick HIS cock is (and it is) but after being with my fuck buddy again, well, it seems like it’s twice as wide. 

Anyhow, we had a great night, with a few rounds of sex and cuddling up to watch a movie, naked on his couch. As predicted, he went raw with me for the first time.  I don’t doubt that seeing that pic of me and the Producer, that he had gotten mad about because he wasn’t wearing a condom, had something to do with it.  He still wore a condom for the first couple rounds but one broke and we ran out of Magnums and tried to use another one on him that I had but it was tight.  He’s normally a real stickler about condoms, but we decided it would be okay for him to just pull out.  We slept all snuggled up and had more great sex in the morning before I left.  That’s also the first time, in almost a year and a half of seeing each other, that we have spent a full night together.

So back to the Producer.  Remember how great things were going with us?  At least that’s what I thought.  He had kept saying how sprung he was with me, was texting me frequently, calling “just to hear my voice”, seeing me twice a week when he came through, kept talking about how he wanted to take me to Vegas and go to parties that are a few months down the road, bought me roses and took me out on my Birthday, was saying how I give the best head he’s ever had in his life and what wonderful sex we have, and had recently met a couple of my kids.  He even bought us go-cart tickets that were like $250 worth of rides.  I was really feeling confident that he was “into” me.

I had gotten sick for a couple of weeks but he was still calling and texting and all seemed well when he took off overseas.  He had been in touch ever since, on Whatsapp, sexting and telling me about his trip. 

So imagine my surprise when he suddenly, out of the blue, messages me on there to drop the bomb.  He’s found a new woman, that he met on Match.com two weeks ago and they are developing “feelings” for each other.  He doesn’t want to drop me however, but to “include” me with the two of them, because “isn’t this crazy” she is bi and believes in an open relationship.

Um, excuse me?  WHAT THE FUCK?!  I was totally blindsided!! I’ve been seeing him for months and I’M the one that needs to be “included” like a little side piece?  Because he is developing feelings that apparently he never had for me?  WOW!!

I was FLOORED!!  OUCH! 😦 😦 😦  He approached it like it was some important thing he had to tell me and was like “I understand if you never want to talk to me again”. I said “so I got sick and you found someone else and now you want me to settle with second place….yeah, fuck off”.  He said okay and a few hours later sent me some bullshit poem about a “Ride or Die Chick”. I told him “go fuck yourself” and he laughed then said okay he would consider himself deleted. 

He said I was being hostile and that he had always treated me with respect and never treated me second class and that he had told this woman all about me.  He said he really talked me up and that he told her how much respect he had for me and my kids and that he had to include me in his life.  He added that we had always “gone beyond the friends situation” and that he wanted to continue to do so.

I told him there was nothing respectful about asking me to take a backseat because he fell in love with someone and to please never contact me again.  He started getting mad and said I was acting like a bitch.  He commented that I have all these men “on the side” so what am I talking about?  I was like “whatever, I never asked you to take a backseat to anyone, I don’t treat people that way.  I’ve also never called you out of your name.  I’m done, goodbye and good riddance”. 

He responded by telling me it was my fucking loss, that I am wack and left a voice message again saying I was acting like a bitch and telling me to fuck off.  Then he blocked (and later unblocked) me on Whatsapp.  I decided to block him after that and haven’t talked with him since.

My blood was boiling for a few days there.  I mean, he has some fucking NERVE trying to get me to hang around for scraps after he has decided he prefers someone else.  Add that I had told him a little bit about what happened with the married woman and the Professor and it was just adding insult to injury.  Unbelievable.

There is no way in HELL I want to put myself in a position where I am having to compete with another woman like that again.  I didn’t sign up to be the jumpoff.  They can both go jump off a fucking cliff!! 

After calming down a little bit, I can see that if he’d approached me differently I might not have been so upset, but it’s still not a position I want to be in.  Clearly he was envisioning bi threesomes and all kinds of fun, but um, I’ve TOLD him my big fear about threesomes with another woman is being left out.  How the heck would I feel being the unloved one in the group.  NO THANKS! 😦

What’s crazy is the day before he was going on about how I give the best head he’s ever had in his life and asking me to rate his sexual performance.  He said he wanted to be my number 1 and how close was he? “Be honest”. I finally said “you’re in the top ten” and he wasn’t satisfied with that.  So I was like well, probably the top 5.  (Reasoning that the Married man, then Mr Firm, then the Professor, followed by a tie between the Pilot and the Fuck Buddy might get him there).  He still wasn’t liking it and I said that wasn’t fair because I don’t ask him to rate me.  So he claimed I am his #1 head giver and #3 otherwise.  I was like “only #3?” and he said that was because there was a 3 way tie and if he ranked alphabetically.  Yeah, whatever…. but I think it’s kind of fucked up that if he likes the sex that much he would try and fuck it up by announcing that he was in love with some bitch he has known for all of TWO WEEKS???  How do you fall “in love” that fast anyway? 

I don’t know but I am kind of in an emotional mess over it.  It seems like the minute I dropped my guard and started to let him in, he turned on me!  That seems to happen far too frequently with men. 😦  Makes me think none of them are trustworthy at all.  It’s like the minute you start to let them know you actually like them they decide it’s time to stick a knife in your back.  Fuck him!  Or rather not, I don’t know that I could ever go there again, I feel so disrespected. He wants to make ME the secondary?  Really?  To some woman he just met??  Isn’t that backwards????  Shouldn’t he be putting ME first? What’s messed up is I thought I was doing everything right, never causing drama, giving great blowjobs, trying to keep it all positive and my reward is getting knocked to the side….nice. 

I am so fucking offended it is hard to get over it.  Thank God for my Fuck Buddy or I think I’d hate all men right now.  He is my lifesaver. 🙂

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Stood up!!

stood-up

Sad to say this, but apparently the man I used to call the “love of my life” has now joined the ranks of the biggest losers.  He stood me up this weekend in a rather cruel way.  Makes me wonder if he felt some sort of need to get revenge for something I have done.  Only I can’t imagine what?  The only thing I seem to have failed at with him was not giving him enough attention the past several months.  Perhaps due to his narcissism this made him angry.  I really can’t say.

We hadn’t been talking much lately.  Now and again I’d get a random text from him saying he misses me, and I would respond in kind but we hadn’t planned any get togethers.  It’s been something like 9 months since we last had sex or saw one another. 

On my birthday he texted me.  It was sweet, he said he wished he were here to enjoy it with me.  A few days later I got another text.  This time he was inviting me to a concert.  He said a friend had given him their tickets because they couldn’t go and he had an extra one. 

I was thrilled because, unbeknownst to him I was going to be in his town anyway!  I was driving up to see family and had meant to text him and let him know but hadn’t done it yet.  So when I told him this and that my sister would likely be able to babysit he sounded excited that I’d said yes.  He emphasized that even if I wasn’t able to go to the concert with him he REALLY wanted to see me. 

The concert was for an old school singer whose music I love, and I know he does too.  It was an all white event and both of us were going to have to find something to wear.  Being that it was nearly Labor Day I figured I’d be able to find something on sale.  After telling me the details of where and what time it was and how we needed to dress, he disappeared.

That was the last I heard of him.  I assumed he was working.  He tends to be really slow responding to texts and constantly busy so I didn’t think much of it at first.  I texted him a few times, mostly thanking him, and letting him know how stoked I was that he had invited me to come along! 

Then I set off to find a dress.  I found a darling little white sundress on clearance sale for $15 at the mall and some really cute shoes (used but in fantastic condition and a normally expensive brand) for $9.  The dress didn’t require a bra, since it has a bit of one built in.  I was thankful for that, having nothing strapless and white to wear otherwise.  I got some white flower pins for my hair and a cute white bracelet and earrings.

white dress

white shoes

 

I texted to let him know I’d found some things, because he’d expressed that he needed to find white clothing as well.  No response, but I still wasn’t too worried.  The concert was the next evening so I only had one day to look and get ready to drive his way.  I even decided to swing by a tanning booth since I haven’t been in the sun much lately and I wanted my color to look good with the dress.  I decided on sparkly gold nail polish for both fingers and toes.

By the next morning, when I was getting ready to leave town with the kids, I still hadn’t heard from him.  By now I was getting a little worried but trying not to stress.  We’ve had big blow outs in the past because I’d over-reacted (or so he says) to him not responding to texts when he’s busy with working.  He always says that if he hasn’t responded then nothing has changed and that he is a man of his word and his feelings don’t change that quickly, so not to flip. 

We’ve worked a LOT on this kind of stuff in the past.  I mean, we were seeing each other and in an emotional relationship for 4 years.  Our affair lasted two years during the end of my marriage and carried on over two years after that before it started to dwindle.  He knows all too well that being stood up is a HUGE pet peeve of mine and that I tend to panic if I have any reason to believe plans are going to be changed at the last minute. 

That’s what is really fucked up about all this.  He knows me and knows my trigger points probably better than anyone on the planet.  He knows all too well about my abandonment issues, and over the years that I’ve really been trying hard to work on them.  So I finally texted that I was starting to feel anxious and stressed but that I was going to try not to worry and looked forward to hearing back from him soon. 

I let him know I was on my way to town and was looking forward to seeing him when I arrived, that I’d be at my sister’s house.  His cousin and my sister have a child together, so in that sense we are practically related and I’ve known him since we were kids.  I reasoned that everything was probably fine and was proud of myself for not going overboard or getting angry with him for his lack of response.  I was trying to remain calm.

All to no avail.  I arrived and showered and got ready for the concert but still no word from him.  I had an awful feeling in the pit of my stomach and just knew he wasn’t going to show.  I didn’t put on my new dress and I told my sister what was up.  She was like “yeah, if he hasn’t responded by NOW, he’s probably not coming”. 

Wow. Just wow.  I couldn’t believe he would do this.  My sister said yeah, but what do you expect from the men in that family anyway?  I had to acknowledge that there is some truth to that.  I dated one of his half- brothers long ago and he stood me up constantly.  I just wanted to believe he was better than that.  Sure enough, he never showed and I haven’t heard a peep out of him.

I guess he must have invited someone else instead but the least he could have done was make up some stupid lame excuse.  I’d rather hear one of those, and maybe even be lied to, than stood up like that.  It was cruel.  My sister said the same thing, and so did Mr. Firm when I told him.  The Producer said I shouldn’t be hanging around lame ass bustas like that, haha and I even told the Pilot (we’ve been texting back and forth a bit, but no plans to get together again or anything as of now).

The Producer says he will take me out and I can wear my new white dress. 😀 At least I know he will most likely follow through! For my birthday he took me out to an expensive steak house and for a couples massage and had bought me roses and a card as well. He went to a white linen party himself recently and bought white clothes for that too so we could even match, lol. Mr. Firm thought it was pretty fucked up too and said I should send HIM a pic of myself in the dress.

 

I commented to the Pilot “see why I am so sensitive about stuff like that?” and he said “I can understand that but I didn’t have you come all the way up here and change my mind”…which is true.  At least he gave me that much respect and in that sense his behavior is more forgivable.  Thank God I didn’t make a trip up there JUST for that or I would be pissed beyond belief.  I was coming up anyhow to get my hair done by my sis and hang out with the fam.  I’d also made tentative plans with Mr. Firm for the following day.

As it is though, I was mad enough to text him to never bother contacting me again.  I left it at that and said have fun at the concert.  What an ass.  I am so done with him and compared to the hot sex I ended up having with Mr. Firm the next day, he’s really not looking like he was ever much of a catch anyhow.

OMG.  Mr. Firm was beyond fabulous in bed.  He drove up at lunchtime (he’s 30 minutes away from my hometown) and got a cheap motel.  I’d just had my hair done and couldn’t get all the dye off my head but he was cool about that, lmao.  He said the same thing happens to him when he colors his goatee.  He must have gray hairs in it or something, lol.

WOW, did my time with him ever make me feel better!!  😀  I think he has surpassed even the Professor in the bedroom.  He’s almost up there with Mr. Married Man and is probably my second most favorite ever.  I loved every minute of it!!  We fucked twice and were in there for two hours.

He’d told me beforehand to come in the back door because the front desk staff was being nosy about his checking out a room during that time of day.  I’m pretty sure by the time I left there was absolutely nothing left to their imaginations as to what we’d been doing, lmao!  He even said he saw a shadow on the wall from someone standing in front of the door for quite some time while we were having sex, though it was gone by the time we’d finished. 

I was trying to be quiet but it was impossible, lmao, and he was like “just let it go”. 😉  Oh my God, he is good!!!  There is no doubt in my mind that he has had LOTS of practice, haha. 

He texted me afterwards. “That was great.  You fuck me just the way I like.  Amazing.”  He even commented a couple more times how freaking great it was and how he loves the way I fuck.  Apparently it was good for him too!  I have no idea why and it still baffles me that men say that when I don’t feel like I do anything special in bed, but I am thrilled that he likes it!!  Haha

Nothing like getting under one man to get over another.  Soooo glad I had someone to fall back on, because it really did help.  I’m ready to forget the guy I had the affair with and move on.  So much for that.  Unbelievable that he would stoop that low but unless he’s dead or something there really isn’t a good enough excuse.