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Another wipeout…

wipeout

Well, Radioman is gone. It looks like it’s pretty much time to wipe the slate clean and start all over again, with new men. Let me tell you a little bit about what happened.

Besides an occasional rendezvous with the CEO, Radioman has been the main man in my life for the past several months. I’ve been seeing him a couple times a week, and felt like the emotional bond was getting stronger. We were casual, but comfortable and seemingly happy. He was my mainstay and I really didn’t feel the need to spend much time with anyone else.

Actually, recently, he had started to express a little more jealousy. When I was out with a girlfriend, he asked me not to sleep with any other men. Yet, at the same time he was asking questions about a possible threesome with her or another woman. Typical. Still, he claimed he wasn’t sleeping with anyone else.

On top of that, we had gotten the radio station together with my company to do a little temporary project. It was fun and we were enjoying seeing each other at work. Or so it seemed….

I was really starting to wonder if maybe, just maybe, Radioman was someone I could see myself with long term. He had started bringing up topics like how he hates living alone and wanted a woman to come home to. He said he missed having someone cook for him and be there to talk to at the end of the day. He even asked me to come over and just be there with him, he said it didn’t have to be all about sex. He even invited me to come cook dinner at his house because my oven wasn’t working, he said just so he could smell the food, even if he wasn’t eating it, lol.

I still had reservations, in the back of my mind. I wondered, could I really be faithful to someone like Radioman? I know he would want that. From what I know of his ex wife, she got BORED. Also, he struggles financially with all the child support he pays, having 3 children with three different women. Then there is the gambling… Yet I thought, maybe. Maybe I am being too picky and can’t afford to be that way. I do really enjoy my time with him and I feel comfortable, if not in love. Maybe I should give it a chance.

All that was blown out of the water very quickly though. First, there was an incident at work where I had to leave early and he was apparently hitting on my co-worker. He added her on Facebook and since I was friends with both of them it popped up.

I was pretty upset. I was MORE upset that he was possibly damaging a relationship with my co-worker than I was worried about how it would affect me and him. I most definitely do not need competition over men at work. A big part of my job is being able to be in good spirits and having fun with the people I work with in order to make sales. I told him if he is pursuing her then we need to be done.

We got into it and he seemed sincerely apologetic. He swore up and down that it was all just friendly and business but she said she had felt uncomfortable with it too. He yelled at me for over an hour about how innocent he was and said that couldn’t I see from all this how much he CARED about me? He said he really only wanted ME and that was why he was here fighting for this relationship, almost like we were “married” (his words). He agreed to delete her and that it wouldn’t happen again.

I finally relented and forgave him and for the next week he seemed much more concerned about showing me he cared. He was going way out of his way to call, text, and invite me over. It was almost to the point of being annoying.

All seemed well, or so I thought. The following weekend it all disappeared. He showed up, at an event he knew I would be working, with a DATE.

He had been texting me repeatedly, throughout the day, asking questions. So he KNEW I was going to be there and knew what time. He even TOLD me he was coming and I said great, maybe I can come hang out with you for a little bit. He insisted that he wouldn’t want me to do that, since he knew I had to make sales. I was like, its really not a big deal I can leave for a while if I want to.

Thirty minutes before he arrived, he texted and told me that since he had extra tickets from the radio station, he was going to meet a friend and “her” kids. That made me feel weird and I wasn’t sure what to think. He and I have never done anything with my children. Still, I thought, okay, maybe I should chill out and its just platonic. He does have a lot of friends.

I saw him, and the woman and her daughter, so he came over and said hi. The woman was ugly, in my opinion, and she kind of hung back a bit. Finally, he introduced us and it all just felt really uncomfortable. I could tell the teenage daughter did not feel good about it. Something wasn’t right.

The longer I worked, while they were walking around doing whatever, the more my blood began to boil. I just couldn’t believe, out of all the places in the city he could have gone, that he brought another woman to the place he knew I was going to be, on what appeared to be a “date”. We hadn’t gone on a date since the first couple of times we were together, before having sex. It seemed very disrespectful and in my face.

I finally texted him later that night and asked him about it. He said I was tripping and that she was just a friend. So I went over to his Facebook page and saw that she had tagged him a couple of days prior, when he took her out to a restaurant for lunch! It happened to be a day that he had told me he was with a “client”. I was PISSED!

So I emailed her on Facebook, told her I was the woman she met and asked what their relationship was. She said they had been friends for a long time, but were on a date and that he was pursuing her hard for a relationship. They hadn’t had sex yet.

I questioned him again and he was still being evasive, until I told him I had talked to HER. She asked me to ask him if he wanted to date her to see what he would say. He wouldn’t answer for a very long time and then he finally asked her to be his girlfriend and told me that is what he had wanted all along.

OUCH. Ouch. Just ouch. 😦 I am glad I confronted it all head on though, rather than allow myself to continue to be disrespected. I blocked him on Facebook and put all his text messages to spam. I can see that he hasn’t tried to contact me anyway, but I feel better not being tempted to respond if he does.

I’m still a little bit shell shocked. It definitely hurt and I cried quite a bit over the abandonment of it all but I know I am going to be okay. I know, logically, that I had questions in my mind about him anyway and that he wasn’t the man for me, but I still felt attached. It had been almost 9 months since we started sleeping together.

It reminds me SO MUCH of what happened with the Producer, if any of you all remember THAT story. Sigh. Why do other women always get chosen over me? This woman wasn’t even physically attractive, that I could see. Her face was sort of worn and leathered, like that of a former drug addict or someone who has had a hard life.

I don’t understand. Maybe its because she was holding out on sex? He was already treating her better than he treated me, from the get go. He took her out to a nicer restaurant, and according to her, to the movies, AND he was taking her to a party at the radio station the next night. Not to mention the event I was working at.

Why? Why? Why? I feel so defeated, like giving up. Is something wrong with me?

A funny twist in it all- the very next night I got asked out on a double date by some guys that live out of town but were working here with me. After dinner, my phone died and I was in the heart of the city trying to figure out how to get home. So, I just started driving and looking for something familiar.

I ended up in the shopping district and got out at a gas station to ask directions. When I walked out of the door, I was standing smack dab in front of the Married Man that I haven’t seen in forever! He said I looked good and he wanted to start seeing me again. I probably would have that night if I hadn’t been on my period. 😉 Maybe again soon.

In the meantime, I’ve gone out on a couple of dates with different guys. I had sex with one. He is a professional boxer and personal trainer and is here from out of town for a tournament. He’s a nice looking guy and has a big dick but there really isn’t a whole lot else to say about him, lol. The sex was decent, but nothing out of this world.

I went out with someone else last night but he definitely wasn’t for me. I guess I just need to keep playing the numbers game and see what I come up with. Wish me luck!

My heart is in shambles :/

confusing.sign_

My heart is in a place of numbness that makes it hard for me to write. I haven’t been able to cry over the Cohort other than a little bit when he called me the other day. What he called to say, is that he is deleting my number. He said it’s too tempting for him to call or text me.

I don’t understand. I don’t understand at all how he can claim he misses me, say it’s hard not to contact me, but still be unwilling to give me love, affection, and emotional exclusivity. He knows damn well I’m not asking for a sexual commitment, but I never, ever want to go through what I went through that night he took a woman to a party again.

What cuts me to the core, is that the night before he did that, is when I had finally told him I love him. It felt like a kick in the face. It’s not just that he went to the party with someone either- he’s right, we did not have a commitment and he did not do something technically wrong. It’s that he knew I was distraught over it, and it didn’t stop him.

I just know, that if the roles were reversed and it had been me, there is no way I could have run out and had fun, knowing someone I cared about was hurting because of it. Never. If the Cohort was the one that was suffering, I would have turned right around and been there for him, forget some other person or a swinger party.

I feel betrayed. I feel angry, furiously angry, and I can’t seem to let go of that feeling, no matter how irrational. I am deeply hurt, but I cannot seem to access the pain. I vacillate between rage and a sickening numbness.

I’m afraid of my feelings because they remind me so much of what I went through when my mother tried to commit suicide. When the doctors said she was going to die, other people cried, but not me. I was stoic and carrying on like normal, able to deal with all the doctors and nurses and other people’s concerns, yet deep down I felt a burning anger that continues to this day.

I’ve been waking up at 4 am, unable to sleep, my thoughts and heart racing, unable to get him off my mind, but still I can’t cry. When he called me to say he is deleting my number, the floodgates were opened, for just a little while. It felt so final and so painful. I felt so abandoned, all over again.

Yet, some of the things he said, just infuriated me. He said he does care, that he was not telling the truth when he said he doesn’t feel affection for me, that he thinks I am special and that he feels really bad for not wanting a committed relationship with me. Yeah, fuck him. A man who meant those words would be backing them up.

I looked back at some of my posts after the Professor and I ended things. I cried and cried. Yet, I didn’t feel half for him what I felt for the Cohort. I’m so devastated that I think I’m disassociating, like I’ve done with some of the more traumatic events of my childhood and life. I’ve been able to function, work, live, almost like nothing is wrong.

I hope that this isn’t going to affect me permanently, that someday I will be able to be vulnerable and open my heart again. Right now, I’m having my doubts. I feel like I gave the best of what I have to offer to the Cohort, he saw more of the real me than anyone ever has and if he didn’t love me for it, no one ever will.

The last few times I saw him, I was so full of love and affection I thought I was going to explode! When he hurt his foot and I was there by his side, I felt like this is a man I could love for the rest of my life. Even if he was old and sickly and needed taken care of, I would be happy just to be with him. I’d never felt like that about anyone, and it meant nothing to him. Nothing!

The time before that, on his birthday, his face and head had been covered with a terrible razor burn rash that he was trying to get rid of. I remember thinking how handsome he still looked to me, that it didn’t matter, I would still pick him over any man in the world. I freaking adored him! That he could be so disloyal to ME, just burns.

On the one year anniversary of the day we met (and HE was the one who brought up and remembered that) we had gone out to eat and had this absolutely beautiful day together. Everything felt perfect and wonderful. We sat on the patio of a lovely Mexican restaurant and drank margaritas. He had loaned me his jacket because of the cool air and was smiling about how big it looked on me.

Afterwards, he took me along shopping for some things he needed at the mall. We were in a department store and he was trying on clothes. A woman in the waiting area of the dressing room asked if he was my husband and commented on how happy we looked together. She told me she had been married for 30 years and now that the kids were out of the house it was like she and her husband were dating all over again, that it was so much fun. It seemed at the time, almost like a sign of what was to come, for us, even though that doesn’t really make any logical sense.  It just FELT that way.

Heck, when I was working for the Cohort and at his house often, I was even happy just doing simple things like the laundry together. I remember feeling like this just feels so RIGHT. He feels like my other half, like someone I should be with forever and it feels so WRONG to be ending things but I know I can’t handle being strung along and feeling unloved. It’s like my gut and my heart are just all fucked up and giving me all the wrong signals because they keep telling me I should be with someone who I guess doesn’t feel the same way. I feel so lost and confused, like I’m going the wrong way, but it seems like my only option.

Gone with the wind?

disappearing

Yep, you guessed it. Things are going wrong with the Cohort again. Why do I do this? It’s like I can only write when I fear things are falling apart. Yet, so much has happened. He’s not even the only man in my life. I have other stories. It’s not like I’m lacking material. There have been so many interesting experiences, feelings and thoughts coursing through my mind, ones that I WANTED to share with you all, but couldn’t bring myself to.

I’m so caught up in my feelings, that it is hard to write. Even now, I am struggling with deleting and rewriting everything. Help!

I always swore I wasn’t going to be one of those blog writers that just disappears all of a sudden because I got caught up in a relationship. No, not me! Never!! Sigh….

The truth is, I finally understand. I finally know what it feels like to be so in love with someone that it takes over your heart and your mind. There. I admitted it.

I love him. Even if nothing works out between us, even if everyone reading my blog thinks I’m crazy or that he’s some kind of bad person because of the things I have said about him. Even if he or I makes every mistake in the book and I open up our life to the world on here, I’ve said it.

I guess, that is a big part of it all. I’m afraid of opening “us” up to criticism. I’m afraid of anyone saying anything negative about him or my feelings for him and want to protect that. I want to protect him from all you big bad bloggers and people out there that might see his mistakes and failures, instead of the man that I see.

Of course, I want to protect myself too. I want to cover up all my fears and vulnerabilities, so no one can go back later and say “I told you so” when things go wrong. The truth is though, that we are both flawed individuals, just like everyone else out there. He’s not a bad guy with bad intentions, any more than I am a bad person.

The difference between the Cohort and other men, is that I feel like I UNDERSTAND him…and like he understands ME. I’ve never had that with anyone, anywhere, before. That’s not to say I understand his every behavior or action- far from it. He’s a typical, completely baffling at times, male. Yet, somehow, without words, when I search my heart, I just know.

It’s funny that I write these words right now, when he’s in the middle of doing something that seems completely incomprehensible. I’ve been agonizing for days because he has just suddenly disappeared, after spending a wonderful day together. The man who normally calls, texts and wants to see me several times a week has just *poof* pulled a Houdini and vanished into thin air.

What happened? His last text to me was sweet and loving. He thanked me for “being there” on his birthday and being someone he cares about and who he knows cares about him. Then….nothing. I haven’t tried to contact him either because something in me knows its not the right thing to do.

What the heck- right? Who does that to someone they have been seeing for over a year? We’d had a great time, he took me out for lunch and a little shopping, we had great sex (with a condom, he wore a condom with me for the very first time), we cuddled and kissed and were all over each other afterwards while we watched a movie at his place. We ate some of the ice cream cake I had made him for his birthday and he walked me out to my car before I left, to kiss me goodbye, and because it was dark.

He had been talking, in bed, about how he wished he could take me on a vacation and how he wanted to see me later in the week. He was affectionate, looking in my eyes, kissing on my neck, stroking my hair, spooning behind me as we watched a movie and wrapping his arms around me. Nothing seemed out of the ordinary or out of place. If anything, he seemed more loving than ever.

So what happened? Where did he go? I know he’s alive. I can see on his business account that he has been shipping things, so he has to be at home, not even on a vacation. I saw him, last night, logged into the swinger site.

I’ve gone through a range of emotions, from fear of abandonment, to anger and just complete confusion. I’ve wondered if this is some kind of cowardly way of “dumping” me, or what? Will I ever hear from him again?

Yet, when I really search my soul, I know it’s okay. Something in me says to trust him, even when he is doing something that many people would be enraged about. That’s not to say it’s easy, but I just know. I know how he gets in his head and overwhelmed by the feelings he has for ME.

It’s kind of like I’ve been feeling about writing in my blog. I want to, I want to reach out, yet I can’t think straight. I feel overwhelmed with emotion. So I put it off and each time I want to do it, I just can’t.

Meanwhile, I go about my life. Sometimes I feel guilty for not writing. Sometimes I crave it but keep putting it off. Its always in the back of my head though, because I really do love writing in my blog, and finally, here I am.

Will I stick around this time? I can’t answer that question. I’m like a non-committal man. I WANT to, really badly, because it feels so good to be here. I came on strong in the beginning, but now I run hot and cold, in and out, unsure of myself because I am unable to handle how I FEEL.

When I come back, each time I realize how much I missed it, and miss you guys! It’s like this huge relief to see the same people commenting again. It feels safe and draws me back in again.

Ahhhh…. this is eye opening. It feels like I know now what to do with the man I love. I’ll let him go and continue to go on about my life. When he comes back I may tell him how it felt while he was gone, but I am not going to hold it against him. No grudges here, because I understand.

I’m not saying I will put up with mistreatment, but also please don’t be too harsh on the Cohort. He’s very much, like me. Sometimes I feel like I am looking in a mirror, like I have found my other half. I feel like this man, is my soul mate, if such a thing exists.

He’s ever so imperfect, but at the same time, so endearing.  He’s so REAL and so full of insecurities and fears, yet so perfect.  Perfect, for ME.  He’s like everything I’ve ever wanted in a man, yet he drives me crazy.  He makes me laugh like no one else, and sometimes, he makes me cry, though I know he feels bad if he does.

I know I could spend the rest of my life with him.  I know I could.  There is NO question in my heart.  He feels like the One.

Would we have a perfect, bump free, life?  Oh HELL no!  Haha  There is just so much to consider.  So many possible pitfalls, so much to overcome.  I just can’t imagine it with anyone else the way I can with him.

Some texts he sent, a couple of weeks ago, after we had a blowout, said this:

“I don’t hate you Lovergirl”

“You’re just very passionate”

“And you are dead wrong…You ARE special to me…. you are probably the woman I truly should be with if I just let myself”

There you have it.  If he just “let himself”.  He’s got this big internal struggle going on over me.  He FEELS like I do, yet he sees my situation as this big, insurmountable obstacle.  He’s still struggling with the fact that I have so many children and my finances aren’t great. Maybe someday he will get over it and just take that leap of faith…and maybe, he won’t.

I guess I just have to trust him, and oddly, for the first time in my life I do. Even when everything that has happened thus far might point other people otherwise.  People might say that he doesn’t love me or he wouldn’t act the way he does, but I don’t believe it.  I FEEL it.  When I dig down, deep inside myself, I KNOW.

So, even though he’s disappeared, for now, I feel safe.  I feel like he will make the decisions he needs to for both of us. Maybe it will mean I never see him again, or maybe not. Somehow I feel good about it, amidst it all. The more I search my heart, the more confident I feel. I’m pervaded with a strange sense of calm. What’s meant to be, will be.

Pissed at the Producer

Well folks, it looks like things have come to a halt with the Producer.  I was flaming mad for a few days and have finally calmed down a little bit.  Spending the night with my fuck buddy last night seemed to help a lot.  Gosh, I’d almost forgotten what a huge dick he has, lol.  It’s super thick, on top of being 9 inches long.  The Producer is always bragging about how thick HIS cock is (and it is) but after being with my fuck buddy again, well, it seems like it’s twice as wide. 

Anyhow, we had a great night, with a few rounds of sex and cuddling up to watch a movie, naked on his couch. As predicted, he went raw with me for the first time.  I don’t doubt that seeing that pic of me and the Producer, that he had gotten mad about because he wasn’t wearing a condom, had something to do with it.  He still wore a condom for the first couple rounds but one broke and we ran out of Magnums and tried to use another one on him that I had but it was tight.  He’s normally a real stickler about condoms, but we decided it would be okay for him to just pull out.  We slept all snuggled up and had more great sex in the morning before I left.  That’s also the first time, in almost a year and a half of seeing each other, that we have spent a full night together.

So back to the Producer.  Remember how great things were going with us?  At least that’s what I thought.  He had kept saying how sprung he was with me, was texting me frequently, calling “just to hear my voice”, seeing me twice a week when he came through, kept talking about how he wanted to take me to Vegas and go to parties that are a few months down the road, bought me roses and took me out on my Birthday, was saying how I give the best head he’s ever had in his life and what wonderful sex we have, and had recently met a couple of my kids.  He even bought us go-cart tickets that were like $250 worth of rides.  I was really feeling confident that he was “into” me.

I had gotten sick for a couple of weeks but he was still calling and texting and all seemed well when he took off overseas.  He had been in touch ever since, on Whatsapp, sexting and telling me about his trip. 

So imagine my surprise when he suddenly, out of the blue, messages me on there to drop the bomb.  He’s found a new woman, that he met on Match.com two weeks ago and they are developing “feelings” for each other.  He doesn’t want to drop me however, but to “include” me with the two of them, because “isn’t this crazy” she is bi and believes in an open relationship.

Um, excuse me?  WHAT THE FUCK?!  I was totally blindsided!! I’ve been seeing him for months and I’M the one that needs to be “included” like a little side piece?  Because he is developing feelings that apparently he never had for me?  WOW!!

I was FLOORED!!  OUCH! 😦 😦 😦  He approached it like it was some important thing he had to tell me and was like “I understand if you never want to talk to me again”. I said “so I got sick and you found someone else and now you want me to settle with second place….yeah, fuck off”.  He said okay and a few hours later sent me some bullshit poem about a “Ride or Die Chick”. I told him “go fuck yourself” and he laughed then said okay he would consider himself deleted. 

He said I was being hostile and that he had always treated me with respect and never treated me second class and that he had told this woman all about me.  He said he really talked me up and that he told her how much respect he had for me and my kids and that he had to include me in his life.  He added that we had always “gone beyond the friends situation” and that he wanted to continue to do so.

I told him there was nothing respectful about asking me to take a backseat because he fell in love with someone and to please never contact me again.  He started getting mad and said I was acting like a bitch.  He commented that I have all these men “on the side” so what am I talking about?  I was like “whatever, I never asked you to take a backseat to anyone, I don’t treat people that way.  I’ve also never called you out of your name.  I’m done, goodbye and good riddance”. 

He responded by telling me it was my fucking loss, that I am wack and left a voice message again saying I was acting like a bitch and telling me to fuck off.  Then he blocked (and later unblocked) me on Whatsapp.  I decided to block him after that and haven’t talked with him since.

My blood was boiling for a few days there.  I mean, he has some fucking NERVE trying to get me to hang around for scraps after he has decided he prefers someone else.  Add that I had told him a little bit about what happened with the married woman and the Professor and it was just adding insult to injury.  Unbelievable.

There is no way in HELL I want to put myself in a position where I am having to compete with another woman like that again.  I didn’t sign up to be the jumpoff.  They can both go jump off a fucking cliff!! 

After calming down a little bit, I can see that if he’d approached me differently I might not have been so upset, but it’s still not a position I want to be in.  Clearly he was envisioning bi threesomes and all kinds of fun, but um, I’ve TOLD him my big fear about threesomes with another woman is being left out.  How the heck would I feel being the unloved one in the group.  NO THANKS! 😦

What’s crazy is the day before he was going on about how I give the best head he’s ever had in his life and asking me to rate his sexual performance.  He said he wanted to be my number 1 and how close was he? “Be honest”. I finally said “you’re in the top ten” and he wasn’t satisfied with that.  So I was like well, probably the top 5.  (Reasoning that the Married man, then Mr Firm, then the Professor, followed by a tie between the Pilot and the Fuck Buddy might get him there).  He still wasn’t liking it and I said that wasn’t fair because I don’t ask him to rate me.  So he claimed I am his #1 head giver and #3 otherwise.  I was like “only #3?” and he said that was because there was a 3 way tie and if he ranked alphabetically.  Yeah, whatever…. but I think it’s kind of fucked up that if he likes the sex that much he would try and fuck it up by announcing that he was in love with some bitch he has known for all of TWO WEEKS???  How do you fall “in love” that fast anyway? 

I don’t know but I am kind of in an emotional mess over it.  It seems like the minute I dropped my guard and started to let him in, he turned on me!  That seems to happen far too frequently with men. 😦  Makes me think none of them are trustworthy at all.  It’s like the minute you start to let them know you actually like them they decide it’s time to stick a knife in your back.  Fuck him!  Or rather not, I don’t know that I could ever go there again, I feel so disrespected. He wants to make ME the secondary?  Really?  To some woman he just met??  Isn’t that backwards????  Shouldn’t he be putting ME first? What’s messed up is I thought I was doing everything right, never causing drama, giving great blowjobs, trying to keep it all positive and my reward is getting knocked to the side….nice. 

I am so fucking offended it is hard to get over it.  Thank God for my Fuck Buddy or I think I’d hate all men right now.  He is my lifesaver. 🙂

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Stood up!!

stood-up

Sad to say this, but apparently the man I used to call the “love of my life” has now joined the ranks of the biggest losers.  He stood me up this weekend in a rather cruel way.  Makes me wonder if he felt some sort of need to get revenge for something I have done.  Only I can’t imagine what?  The only thing I seem to have failed at with him was not giving him enough attention the past several months.  Perhaps due to his narcissism this made him angry.  I really can’t say.

We hadn’t been talking much lately.  Now and again I’d get a random text from him saying he misses me, and I would respond in kind but we hadn’t planned any get togethers.  It’s been something like 9 months since we last had sex or saw one another. 

On my birthday he texted me.  It was sweet, he said he wished he were here to enjoy it with me.  A few days later I got another text.  This time he was inviting me to a concert.  He said a friend had given him their tickets because they couldn’t go and he had an extra one. 

I was thrilled because, unbeknownst to him I was going to be in his town anyway!  I was driving up to see family and had meant to text him and let him know but hadn’t done it yet.  So when I told him this and that my sister would likely be able to babysit he sounded excited that I’d said yes.  He emphasized that even if I wasn’t able to go to the concert with him he REALLY wanted to see me. 

The concert was for an old school singer whose music I love, and I know he does too.  It was an all white event and both of us were going to have to find something to wear.  Being that it was nearly Labor Day I figured I’d be able to find something on sale.  After telling me the details of where and what time it was and how we needed to dress, he disappeared.

That was the last I heard of him.  I assumed he was working.  He tends to be really slow responding to texts and constantly busy so I didn’t think much of it at first.  I texted him a few times, mostly thanking him, and letting him know how stoked I was that he had invited me to come along! 

Then I set off to find a dress.  I found a darling little white sundress on clearance sale for $15 at the mall and some really cute shoes (used but in fantastic condition and a normally expensive brand) for $9.  The dress didn’t require a bra, since it has a bit of one built in.  I was thankful for that, having nothing strapless and white to wear otherwise.  I got some white flower pins for my hair and a cute white bracelet and earrings.

white dress

white shoes

 

I texted to let him know I’d found some things, because he’d expressed that he needed to find white clothing as well.  No response, but I still wasn’t too worried.  The concert was the next evening so I only had one day to look and get ready to drive his way.  I even decided to swing by a tanning booth since I haven’t been in the sun much lately and I wanted my color to look good with the dress.  I decided on sparkly gold nail polish for both fingers and toes.

By the next morning, when I was getting ready to leave town with the kids, I still hadn’t heard from him.  By now I was getting a little worried but trying not to stress.  We’ve had big blow outs in the past because I’d over-reacted (or so he says) to him not responding to texts when he’s busy with working.  He always says that if he hasn’t responded then nothing has changed and that he is a man of his word and his feelings don’t change that quickly, so not to flip. 

We’ve worked a LOT on this kind of stuff in the past.  I mean, we were seeing each other and in an emotional relationship for 4 years.  Our affair lasted two years during the end of my marriage and carried on over two years after that before it started to dwindle.  He knows all too well that being stood up is a HUGE pet peeve of mine and that I tend to panic if I have any reason to believe plans are going to be changed at the last minute. 

That’s what is really fucked up about all this.  He knows me and knows my trigger points probably better than anyone on the planet.  He knows all too well about my abandonment issues, and over the years that I’ve really been trying hard to work on them.  So I finally texted that I was starting to feel anxious and stressed but that I was going to try not to worry and looked forward to hearing back from him soon. 

I let him know I was on my way to town and was looking forward to seeing him when I arrived, that I’d be at my sister’s house.  His cousin and my sister have a child together, so in that sense we are practically related and I’ve known him since we were kids.  I reasoned that everything was probably fine and was proud of myself for not going overboard or getting angry with him for his lack of response.  I was trying to remain calm.

All to no avail.  I arrived and showered and got ready for the concert but still no word from him.  I had an awful feeling in the pit of my stomach and just knew he wasn’t going to show.  I didn’t put on my new dress and I told my sister what was up.  She was like “yeah, if he hasn’t responded by NOW, he’s probably not coming”. 

Wow. Just wow.  I couldn’t believe he would do this.  My sister said yeah, but what do you expect from the men in that family anyway?  I had to acknowledge that there is some truth to that.  I dated one of his half- brothers long ago and he stood me up constantly.  I just wanted to believe he was better than that.  Sure enough, he never showed and I haven’t heard a peep out of him.

I guess he must have invited someone else instead but the least he could have done was make up some stupid lame excuse.  I’d rather hear one of those, and maybe even be lied to, than stood up like that.  It was cruel.  My sister said the same thing, and so did Mr. Firm when I told him.  The Producer said I shouldn’t be hanging around lame ass bustas like that, haha and I even told the Pilot (we’ve been texting back and forth a bit, but no plans to get together again or anything as of now).

The Producer says he will take me out and I can wear my new white dress. 😀 At least I know he will most likely follow through! For my birthday he took me out to an expensive steak house and for a couples massage and had bought me roses and a card as well. He went to a white linen party himself recently and bought white clothes for that too so we could even match, lol. Mr. Firm thought it was pretty fucked up too and said I should send HIM a pic of myself in the dress.

 

I commented to the Pilot “see why I am so sensitive about stuff like that?” and he said “I can understand that but I didn’t have you come all the way up here and change my mind”…which is true.  At least he gave me that much respect and in that sense his behavior is more forgivable.  Thank God I didn’t make a trip up there JUST for that or I would be pissed beyond belief.  I was coming up anyhow to get my hair done by my sis and hang out with the fam.  I’d also made tentative plans with Mr. Firm for the following day.

As it is though, I was mad enough to text him to never bother contacting me again.  I left it at that and said have fun at the concert.  What an ass.  I am so done with him and compared to the hot sex I ended up having with Mr. Firm the next day, he’s really not looking like he was ever much of a catch anyhow.

OMG.  Mr. Firm was beyond fabulous in bed.  He drove up at lunchtime (he’s 30 minutes away from my hometown) and got a cheap motel.  I’d just had my hair done and couldn’t get all the dye off my head but he was cool about that, lmao.  He said the same thing happens to him when he colors his goatee.  He must have gray hairs in it or something, lol.

WOW, did my time with him ever make me feel better!!  😀  I think he has surpassed even the Professor in the bedroom.  He’s almost up there with Mr. Married Man and is probably my second most favorite ever.  I loved every minute of it!!  We fucked twice and were in there for two hours.

He’d told me beforehand to come in the back door because the front desk staff was being nosy about his checking out a room during that time of day.  I’m pretty sure by the time I left there was absolutely nothing left to their imaginations as to what we’d been doing, lmao!  He even said he saw a shadow on the wall from someone standing in front of the door for quite some time while we were having sex, though it was gone by the time we’d finished. 

I was trying to be quiet but it was impossible, lmao, and he was like “just let it go”. 😉  Oh my God, he is good!!!  There is no doubt in my mind that he has had LOTS of practice, haha. 

He texted me afterwards. “That was great.  You fuck me just the way I like.  Amazing.”  He even commented a couple more times how freaking great it was and how he loves the way I fuck.  Apparently it was good for him too!  I have no idea why and it still baffles me that men say that when I don’t feel like I do anything special in bed, but I am thrilled that he likes it!!  Haha

Nothing like getting under one man to get over another.  Soooo glad I had someone to fall back on, because it really did help.  I’m ready to forget the guy I had the affair with and move on.  So much for that.  Unbelievable that he would stoop that low but unless he’s dead or something there really isn’t a good enough excuse.

 

 

The Pilot vs the Professor

JDNewPilot VS professor

So the Prof texted me again last night.  He said he hoped my kids enjoyed the gifts and that he still misses talking to me, then a sad face, and goodnight.  I didn’t know how to respond or what to say.  Of course I miss him too.  I hurt for the past couple months over all this.

Part of me just wants to forgive and forget and be with him again.  Yet that seems like it would be foolish because he’s already hurt me.  Why wouldn’t he do it again?  Has anything changed?

I’m sure he’s still talking to that married woman, the one he said he values more than me.  He’s obviously been with a few different women off the swinger site.  He has been looking at my profile again today so I looked back and he’s gotten a handful of validations from women in the past couple months that sound like he probably slept with them. 

So why now?  Several weeks ago, when we texted back and forth, he really didn’t appear interested.  Is he going through a dry spell and reminiscing or what? 

Men do this every time though.  EVERY. SINGLE. FUCKING. TIME.  If they “break up” with you in some form or another they always come back.  Like one man said “like swallows to Capistrano, men always return”.  I love that saying because it’s sooo true. Without fail. So predictable.

I still have some feelings for him, yeah, but I don’t know if I want him to see that.  I don’t know that I want to make myself vulnerable to him ever again.  I finally texted back about an hour later with a face like this “ :/ “.  That was the last of our conversation, then him looking at my profile. 

Maybe he’s coming to some realizations.  Maybe he’s remembering that I pretty much always treated him well or that the sex was better than what he’s getting now.  Maybe he’s seeing that I was worth more, and have more value, than he gave me credit for.  Maybe now though, it’s too late.

See, because now, I have got new people in MY life.  The Pilot has just been really cool and a lot of fun.  Plus he puts ME first as far as I can tell, and not some lame old married lady.  Yes, he goes and and fucks around and does whatever, but I haven’t felt threatened by it.  He knows that exact same married woman too because she has validated him on the site, (since the Prof and I were together, so fairly recently and AFTER she met the Prof), but no indication of him being attached to her in any way.

I have to ask myself why I felt bad with the Prof and not so much with the Pilot. Like tonight he is off at some campout orgy, lol, and I’m stuck at home, yet I don’t feel the least bit worried or insecure.  Besides him being fairly new in my life, and not yet having a major emotional attachment, I think there are some other factors. 

One, he is clearly interested in me and pays sufficient attention to me when we are together.  Like at the party he was all about me first and the other people he messed with were definitely secondary.  He never made me feel like he was using me to get at “new pussy” or like it mattered all that much to him whether or not he ended up with anyone but me at the end of the night. He seemed plenty happy to return to the hotel room just the two of us, and that made me feel good.

  There were times with the Prof where I felt like he thought it was a letdown if we didn’t end up fucking some other couple or that he was disappointed in me for not wanting to sleep with some ugly guy so that he could get at the wife.  Not that he ever actually pushed me to do so, or would, but I just got that vibe, especially at the second party we went to, which I didn’t write about.

 I can’t help but think that he fed into my insecurities somehow or they wouldn’t have been there.  It’s all about that intuition. I didn’t feel secure enough in his desire for ME to not fear being abandoned.  He was unwilling to offer what seems to me to be BASIC reassurance if we are going to play this way, something the Pilot was willing to give on the first try, without being asked and without assuming it meant some sort of “relationship”.  HE was the one saying hey, let’s discuss how we are going to handle this, ahead of time, and wanting to set boundaries that made me feel safe.

With the Pilot I don’t feel like he is covering anything up, lying, or acting suspicious.  He seems plenty happy to tell me what’s up or what he is about to do with no shame or attitude that assumes it is going to bother me.  I think that was a big thing with the Professor.  He would approach sleeping with someone else as though he expected me to be upset and that would trigger feelings that maybe I should be.  It’s a simple shift in attitude but I do feel like it makes a big difference.

I’m not saying the Pilot is perfect or anything because really I don’t know enough about him yet to see how he will react to certain things.  Yet so far he seems to be handling playing together well, even though he’s admitted at some point he knows he might feel jealousy, if he were in a serious relationship or developed feelings.  He hasn’t seen me play with a guy yet and doesn’t ask about or know about the men in my life so there is no telling how he will react to that. 

As far as picking out couples he thinks we would like to play with though, he has done pretty well.  He finds a couple where both the male and female are attractive and asks me what I think.   So far he has good taste.  To be fair, I think the Prof tried, but there are limited attractive couples in this area, lol.  Still his focus was much more on the woman and the Pilot is being more reasonable about what he thinks I would be attracted to in a man.  Guys like him, of course! 😉

Personality wise, the Pilot and I also seem to get along really well. We have a lot to talk about and his sense of adventure draws out my fun side. I like going out with him a lot and don’t feel inhibited the way I did when I was with the Prof. I can be withdrawn when I don’t feel comfortable but when I do I’m quite happy to be the life of the party.

So for a playing partner, the Pilot actually seems a better match for me.  I don’t feel like I could go back to what I had with the Prof.  It no longer seems good enough in that regard.  Sex with him though, I can’t deny, was wonderful. 

There is just something about the emotional hold the Prof had on me in the bedroom that I can’t even explain.  It was hypnotic.  I’ve never experienced anything like it, not even with the married man who technically was the best sex of my life. 

In spite of that, there were ways in which the sex with the Prof was even better.  It was more than just skill and more than just a sex trance.  It required me to be very vulnerable though and at this point I don’t think I could go there.  I’m too afraid.  Too afraid to give him back that control, after the way things ended. 

I don’t know. Maybe at some point I will be ready to sleep with him again.  Perhaps at this point I wouldn’t want anything more and could handle being fuck buddies.  Not sure that I want to give him that though. I feel like I need more of an apology from him or some kind of recognition that he hurt me and was wrong to do so. Sure he’s given me some gifts and said he misses me, but that doesn’t mean he is going to make any kind of change in the way he treats me. For now I’m not ready, but only time will tell. 

P.S. I just had a policeman at my house because my 13 year old son was missing for half the day. His phone wasn’t working and it was 1 am and I was getting freaked out. He showed up right after the officer got here but I swear this guy was trying to hit on me, lol. He asked if I needed his number to call him later or for him to drive by my house at night and I’m like no my child is here we should be fine. He was also asking if there were any men here? So then he called me again just a little bit ago (at 2 am) and claimed he thought he left a pad of paper at my house. Yeah, no. He didn’t leave anything, haha. Seriously, a pad of paper? LMAO

Feeling the fuck buddy thing

perfectbuddy

The closest thing I’ve had to sex in a month was yesterday and I just sucked my fuck buddy off.  Normally I would want more than that but circumstances kept me from actually having sex with him.  It was fun though and I was willing to do it because he’s really the only guy I feel like I can count on at the moment. 

I am on my period and was supposed to get a Brazilian wax but it had to be postponed due to it starting early.  Meanwhile, I can’t shave, so I feel all gross and disgusting, lol.  I guess years of removing all the hair has just made it seem weird to have any.  I can’t wait to get it all removed, even though I know it’s probably gonna be painful.  I got to experience some of that while having my underarms waxed the other day.  Ouch!!  Love the results though, definitely something I could keep doing!  They are all smooth and perfect, despite still being a tad sore.

Fuck Buddy was wanting to look at and touch my boobs while I sucked his cock, so I let him pull them out but when he asked to lift up my skirt and look at my ass I was like um, no, haha. He knew what time of the month it was but didn’t want to explain the shaving thing until afterwards and thankfully it was a skirt with shorts sewn underneath, lol.  Then he started talking about the possibility of fucking me in the ass (with his thick, 9 inch cock).  My mouth was full but I’m sure the expression in my eyes was “oh hell no!”  I just shook my head and was like “mmmhhmmh.”  Poor guy. 

Despite my reluctance to engage in anything other than sucking his dick, he came fairly hard and easily and into my mouth.  It’s been awhile since I sucked a guy to completion, due to the fact that I usually want to fuck, so it was fun and low pressure.  He happened to be in town visiting a friend, so we were at his house in a bedroom, with him lying on the bed.  I met some guy that was sitting on the couch beforehand but he didn’t say much, lmao.

We talked for a little bit before and after but not a lot because I had errands to run.  I told him the Professor and I are no longer seeing each other and he was surprised and asked why but I sort of blew off the question, saying it just didn’t work out.  He said his last sexual encounter was on Memorial Day, some couple off the swinger site and the woman was older but had a good body. 

When I started to leave he pulled me back for a hug, reminding me how thankful I am for him at the moment.  He’s always sweet and never disrespectful, despite us not having an emotional thing.  He always looks and smells great, has a really nice body, is always up for sex, is great in bed, doesn’t pry if I don’t want to talk about something and returns texts promptly.  No drama, no fuss and I never have to worry about being lied to.  Best of all, he doesn’t lead me on and is pretty straightforward about what he wants.

I guess you never know but I don’t get the feeling he is going to run off and abandon me any time soon.  Even if something doesn’t work out or I am too busy to get together, he’s cool with it and up for meeting again the next time.  I like him a lot and enjoy talking with him but we’ve been seeing each other once or twice a month for a year and still no sign of emotional attachment on either end.  It’s nice to have someone to fall back on like that. I guess that’s why I don’t mind sucking his dick with nothing in return, lol.

When I think of the Professor I am still so emotionally hurt.  I’m not sure I could ever sleep with him again.  Those feelings of abandonment and pain just override any and all memories of the sex to the point where it’s not even appealing anymore.  I still don’t really understand his sudden switch in attitude when all I wanted from him was reassurance that everything would be okay.  I don’t understand how he could go from seemingly caring so much about me to pulling a disappearing act during the time I needed him most.  It just makes me feel so betrayed and confused.

I keep trying to remind myself that I’ve been through worse in the past but it doesn’t really help.  I guess I thought more highly of him than I should have, put him up on a pedestal thinking he was this great guy.  Him bringing by donuts didn’t make it any better and just leaves me still wondering wtf he is thinking?

 A couple days after that he was looking at my profile on the swinger site again.  At first I resisted the temptation to look back, but after several hours I finally took a peek.  Big mistake.  He’d been validated by yet another woman he’d obviously slept with.  It’s almost as though he did that just because he WANTED me to look and see, like he’s bragging.  I wouldn’t put that past him at all but I don’t understand the need to rub it in when I’m already obviously feeling bad.  😦

It’s been a week since the donut drop though and that little profile glance is the last I’ve heard from him.  Maybe now I can manage to put him out of my mind again.  I did notice though, that each time he has been validated by someone new, it has been someone that I have noticed looking at my profile shortly beforehand.  He must be mentioning me or talking to them about me.  I wonder what he’s saying?  Is he bragging that he slept with me or saying something bad?  He’s shown me the profiles of people of some of the women he slept with on different occasions so maybe that’s all it is, I hope.

The Pilot and I are still in regular phone contact.  He wanted to hear my voice and has called a couple of times.  I liked his voice on the phone and that is always a good thing.  I have a thing for a man’s voice, whether it’s talking to me during sex, or singing or just turning me on over the phone.  It’s a wonder I’m not more into phone sex, lol.  He says people sometimes tell him he sounds white over the phone and maybe a little but I could tell he’s not. He sounds sexy.

We’ve been texting fairly often and he still seems pretty interested.  He went to a Lifestyle party last night but said it was kinda boring.  I don’t ask him too much about if he’s been having sex and I didn’t mention the fuck buddy.  Maybe it’s better not to get too detailed about stuff like that, if we know each other has sex with other people isn’t that enough?  Seems like less of a recipe for drama.

He claims not to be a big drinker but seems like every night he is having a drink.  Has me a bit curious about how much that actually is though I suppose if it doesn’t affect him it’s not a huge deal.  That and  he’s pulled a disappearing act a couple of nights though he always texts me eventually.  I’m sure he’s probably having sex or something but he doesn’t outright say so. 

One of the nights, afterwards, he told me that he went to some woman’s house to talk to her 17 year olds about flying and joining the military.  Then he adds that her husband is in Afghanistan and she had a double mastectomy (some time back) and they are friends and he wants to be there to support her since her husband is not. Hmmmm…   I guess I’m on the lookout to make sure I’m not getting involved with anyone who is already deeply emotionally involved with someone else and that one made me wonder.

 Maybe better to continue to keep my distance.  I still want to have sex with him though!  Just don’t want to fall for any tricks or manipulations.  He’s making it seem like he’s soooo into me now but stuff with the Prof has left me kind of raw and leery.  I don’t know, I’m sorta feeling like the whole relationship thing is overrated and I don’t want to let anyone in or too close.  I hope it at least works out though where we get to go to this party together soon.  Looking forward to that!