My heart is in shambles :/

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My heart is in a place of numbness that makes it hard for me to write. I haven’t been able to cry over the Cohort other than a little bit when he called me the other day. What he called to say, is that he is deleting my number. He said it’s too tempting for him to call or text me.

I don’t understand. I don’t understand at all how he can claim he misses me, say it’s hard not to contact me, but still be unwilling to give me love, affection, and emotional exclusivity. He knows damn well I’m not asking for a sexual commitment, but I never, ever want to go through what I went through that night he took a woman to a party again.

What cuts me to the core, is that the night before he did that, is when I had finally told him I love him. It felt like a kick in the face. It’s not just that he went to the party with someone either- he’s right, we did not have a commitment and he did not do something technically wrong. It’s that he knew I was distraught over it, and it didn’t stop him.

I just know, that if the roles were reversed and it had been me, there is no way I could have run out and had fun, knowing someone I cared about was hurting because of it. Never. If the Cohort was the one that was suffering, I would have turned right around and been there for him, forget some other person or a swinger party.

I feel betrayed. I feel angry, furiously angry, and I can’t seem to let go of that feeling, no matter how irrational. I am deeply hurt, but I cannot seem to access the pain. I vacillate between rage and a sickening numbness.

I’m afraid of my feelings because they remind me so much of what I went through when my mother tried to commit suicide. When the doctors said she was going to die, other people cried, but not me. I was stoic and carrying on like normal, able to deal with all the doctors and nurses and other people’s concerns, yet deep down I felt a burning anger that continues to this day.

I’ve been waking up at 4 am, unable to sleep, my thoughts and heart racing, unable to get him off my mind, but still I can’t cry. When he called me to say he is deleting my number, the floodgates were opened, for just a little while. It felt so final and so painful. I felt so abandoned, all over again.

Yet, some of the things he said, just infuriated me. He said he does care, that he was not telling the truth when he said he doesn’t feel affection for me, that he thinks I am special and that he feels really bad for not wanting a committed relationship with me. Yeah, fuck him. A man who meant those words would be backing them up.

I looked back at some of my posts after the Professor and I ended things. I cried and cried. Yet, I didn’t feel half for him what I felt for the Cohort. I’m so devastated that I think I’m disassociating, like I’ve done with some of the more traumatic events of my childhood and life. I’ve been able to function, work, live, almost like nothing is wrong.

I hope that this isn’t going to affect me permanently, that someday I will be able to be vulnerable and open my heart again. Right now, I’m having my doubts. I feel like I gave the best of what I have to offer to the Cohort, he saw more of the real me than anyone ever has and if he didn’t love me for it, no one ever will.

The last few times I saw him, I was so full of love and affection I thought I was going to explode! When he hurt his foot and I was there by his side, I felt like this is a man I could love for the rest of my life. Even if he was old and sickly and needed taken care of, I would be happy just to be with him. I’d never felt like that about anyone, and it meant nothing to him. Nothing!

The time before that, on his birthday, his face and head had been covered with a terrible razor burn rash that he was trying to get rid of. I remember thinking how handsome he still looked to me, that it didn’t matter, I would still pick him over any man in the world. I freaking adored him! That he could be so disloyal to ME, just burns.

On the one year anniversary of the day we met (and HE was the one who brought up and remembered that) we had gone out to eat and had this absolutely beautiful day together. Everything felt perfect and wonderful. We sat on the patio of a lovely Mexican restaurant and drank margaritas. He had loaned me his jacket because of the cool air and was smiling about how big it looked on me.

Afterwards, he took me along shopping for some things he needed at the mall. We were in a department store and he was trying on clothes. A woman in the waiting area of the dressing room asked if he was my husband and commented on how happy we looked together. She told me she had been married for 30 years and now that the kids were out of the house it was like she and her husband were dating all over again, that it was so much fun. It seemed at the time, almost like a sign of what was to come, for us, even though that doesn’t really make any logical sense.  It just FELT that way.

Heck, when I was working for the Cohort and at his house often, I was even happy just doing simple things like the laundry together. I remember feeling like this just feels so RIGHT. He feels like my other half, like someone I should be with forever and it feels so WRONG to be ending things but I know I can’t handle being strung along and feeling unloved. It’s like my gut and my heart are just all fucked up and giving me all the wrong signals because they keep telling me I should be with someone who I guess doesn’t feel the same way. I feel so lost and confused, like I’m going the wrong way, but it seems like my only option.

9 thoughts on “My heart is in shambles :/

  1. It’s all fun and games until someone gets really serious. It sucks that you’ve once again learned a really hard lesson about men and their intentions and actions and how, in the end, they prove to have meant nothing at all; despite all they did and said, you were no more than a convenience, a means to an end, and not the necessity you wanted him to see you as.

    I feel so badly for you to have had this happen… again.

    • Thanks. It’s not making me feel very good about men in general. Is there a way to get them to see me differently? I mean I know I could meet them traditionally and pretend not to be sexually open, but I’d rather not be the one faking someone out either.

      • My friend, here’s the mistake you consistently make in this: You go with whatever’s going on – the sex, the other nice things being done and said – and without ever giving a single thought about why all this good shit is happened; you take it at face value and never question the guy’s motives.

        At times, you see the signs that tell you that, um, this guy’s saying and doing all the right things… but there’s something fishy about this – and then you ignore them and then commit yourself to a situation that, eventually, proves itself to not be what you thought, felt, and even wanted to be.

        I hate to say it but in this, you’re consistent and you’ve always paid a high price for it. I even recall mentioning to you, way back when you first met The Cohort, that he was playing you and despite all the good shit being heaped on you. For me, that business with you getting pregnant and, sadly, losing the baby – and the way he reacted – should have told you he wasn’t as into you – or as much in love with you – as you were led to believe.

        Men… well, we are what we are and, yes, if you make it easy for us to get what we want from you, some of us will take full advantage of it; we will use you for our purposes, let you believe that we’re so into you… and then drop you like a bad habit when the situation stops being to our liking.

        Maybe you should consider not making it so easy for men to use you; maybe you should start actively questioning their motives and not believing everything they say until they manage to prove that their intentions toward you are good and honorable. You don’t have to be fake – you just have to do more thinking than feeling and maybe a tiny bit “paranoid” because, my friend, if it looks too good to be true, it usually isn’t true… even when you want it to be true.

        Just because a guy can fuck you good and do a lot of good things for you doesn’t always mean what it appears to mean so, yeah, when your gut tells you that things aren’t what they appear to be, listen to it closely and carefully.

        Damn, girl, I feel so bad for you and I don’t like telling you these things but, yeah, I’m the guy who’d tell you because you really need to know.

      • It’s so hard because men always say they want to be trusted and want women to trust them, yet if you do you are a fool for it. 😦 I guess I just get blinded by wanting to believe the best about someone I have feelings for, like if I love them this much surely their intentions towards me are good underneath it all too. I don’t know. I feel so hopeless. I really do love the Cohort.

  2. I read your blog, but couldn’t read ANYTHING about the personality of the cohort. The start would be finding out what kind of personality he has/had. That way you can even see whether you really love him, or loved only the way things were easy between you two.

    • That’s an interesting observation. I absolutely love the Cohort’s personality! He’s hilarious and he makes me laugh and laugh every time we are together. He also really “gets” my sense of humor, which is something I have found lacking in some guys. He’s very playful and much more open with his emotions than most men. I just love it!! He’s a big, sensitive, sweetheart. He can get very serious too and then he tends to overthink everything. He’s blunt and honest to a fault, which is something I love and need in a man. Like me, he has a tendency to be sarcastic and dry at times and sometimes covers up his feelings that way. I really love everything about him, I just can’t handle not being given more priority in his life.

      • Oh, girl. I feel bad for you. You let your heart stop you from hearing and seeing reality. The Cohort is a swinging single male. He wants to keep fucking whoever he wants. You put up all the red flags for him. You got jealous; you wanted to control who he fucked ; and you wanted a say in his swinging activity. That’s not good. Of course he enjoyed spending time with you, but when you crossed the red line of turning a fun sexual relationship into “love,” the Cohort reacted just like any honest make swinger would, by distancing himself from you. If you want a normal vanilla relationship that includes swinging; swinging where you have a major say in all activities; you need to be up front and honest with these guys. Most will not want to go there, but you’ll know right away where they stand. Instead of you having expectations that they don’t that end up getting you hurt. I think you just need to stop trying so hard for your next marriage and just enjoy some good sex!

    • Thanks. It’s been over a month since I wrote this and I’m still crushed inside. I am having a hard time bringing myself to write. I’ve been keeping busy and am doing well in other pursuits (like at work) but I am broken over the Cohort. 😦

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