My heart is in a place of numbness that makes it hard for me to write. I haven’t been able to cry over the Cohort other than a little bit when he called me the other day. What he called to say, is that he is deleting my number. He said it’s too tempting for him to call or text me.
I don’t understand. I don’t understand at all how he can claim he misses me, say it’s hard not to contact me, but still be unwilling to give me love, affection, and emotional exclusivity. He knows damn well I’m not asking for a sexual commitment, but I never, ever want to go through what I went through that night he took a woman to a party again.
What cuts me to the core, is that the night before he did that, is when I had finally told him I love him. It felt like a kick in the face. It’s not just that he went to the party with someone either- he’s right, we did not have a commitment and he did not do something technically wrong. It’s that he knew I was distraught over it, and it didn’t stop him.
I just know, that if the roles were reversed and it had been me, there is no way I could have run out and had fun, knowing someone I cared about was hurting because of it. Never. If the Cohort was the one that was suffering, I would have turned right around and been there for him, forget some other person or a swinger party.
I feel betrayed. I feel angry, furiously angry, and I can’t seem to let go of that feeling, no matter how irrational. I am deeply hurt, but I cannot seem to access the pain. I vacillate between rage and a sickening numbness.
I’m afraid of my feelings because they remind me so much of what I went through when my mother tried to commit suicide. When the doctors said she was going to die, other people cried, but not me. I was stoic and carrying on like normal, able to deal with all the doctors and nurses and other people’s concerns, yet deep down I felt a burning anger that continues to this day.
I’ve been waking up at 4 am, unable to sleep, my thoughts and heart racing, unable to get him off my mind, but still I can’t cry. When he called me to say he is deleting my number, the floodgates were opened, for just a little while. It felt so final and so painful. I felt so abandoned, all over again.
Yet, some of the things he said, just infuriated me. He said he does care, that he was not telling the truth when he said he doesn’t feel affection for me, that he thinks I am special and that he feels really bad for not wanting a committed relationship with me. Yeah, fuck him. A man who meant those words would be backing them up.
I looked back at some of my posts after the Professor and I ended things. I cried and cried. Yet, I didn’t feel half for him what I felt for the Cohort. I’m so devastated that I think I’m disassociating, like I’ve done with some of the more traumatic events of my childhood and life. I’ve been able to function, work, live, almost like nothing is wrong.
I hope that this isn’t going to affect me permanently, that someday I will be able to be vulnerable and open my heart again. Right now, I’m having my doubts. I feel like I gave the best of what I have to offer to the Cohort, he saw more of the real me than anyone ever has and if he didn’t love me for it, no one ever will.
The last few times I saw him, I was so full of love and affection I thought I was going to explode! When he hurt his foot and I was there by his side, I felt like this is a man I could love for the rest of my life. Even if he was old and sickly and needed taken care of, I would be happy just to be with him. I’d never felt like that about anyone, and it meant nothing to him. Nothing!
The time before that, on his birthday, his face and head had been covered with a terrible razor burn rash that he was trying to get rid of. I remember thinking how handsome he still looked to me, that it didn’t matter, I would still pick him over any man in the world. I freaking adored him! That he could be so disloyal to ME, just burns.
On the one year anniversary of the day we met (and HE was the one who brought up and remembered that) we had gone out to eat and had this absolutely beautiful day together. Everything felt perfect and wonderful. We sat on the patio of a lovely Mexican restaurant and drank margaritas. He had loaned me his jacket because of the cool air and was smiling about how big it looked on me.
Afterwards, he took me along shopping for some things he needed at the mall. We were in a department store and he was trying on clothes. A woman in the waiting area of the dressing room asked if he was my husband and commented on how happy we looked together. She told me she had been married for 30 years and now that the kids were out of the house it was like she and her husband were dating all over again, that it was so much fun. It seemed at the time, almost like a sign of what was to come, for us, even though that doesn’t really make any logical sense. It just FELT that way.
Heck, when I was working for the Cohort and at his house often, I was even happy just doing simple things like the laundry together. I remember feeling like this just feels so RIGHT. He feels like my other half, like someone I should be with forever and it feels so WRONG to be ending things but I know I can’t handle being strung along and feeling unloved. It’s like my gut and my heart are just all fucked up and giving me all the wrong signals because they keep telling me I should be with someone who I guess doesn’t feel the same way. I feel so lost and confused, like I’m going the wrong way, but it seems like my only option.