Archive | June 2015

Meanwhile….

sex-in-cars-

As seems to be my tendency when I am suffering from heartache, I am numbing myself with sex. I can’t cry. I can’t seem to feel and every time I think of the Cohort, my stomach just ties into knots and my heart sinks. I’d do just about anything to avoid thinking about him, to get away from the memories that seem to be jogged at every turn.

So the other night, I slept with the Boring guy again. He had called me, surprisingly, despite getting rather coldly dumped when I found out I was pregnant the second time (see, men DO always come back!!). Nothing has changed. He was, as usual, boring.

He has a routine and he sticks to it religiously. This means, every Friday night he eats wings for dinner. He plays the same playlist each time we have sex. He insists I drink the same drink at his place, which is apple flavored Crown Royal and Diet Coke.

He lives, literally, right behind an entertainment complex. His apartment is a part of it, yet he never wants to do anything there other than go to the same boring old bar. It’s not a financial thing either, he’s the same guy that bought me $200 boots and nice perfume for Christmas. He makes good money, he just doesn’t like to do anything new.

The times he has taken me out to eat, we have gone to the same exact restaurant all but once. He says he is a “creature of habit”. The sex is okay, but it’s just….the same. He wears a condom and can’t cum with one on, so it seems pointless. It’s hard for me to feel satisfied with sex when I haven’t been able to get a guy to orgasm.

The worst part is the questions he asks me though. He seems to think I should be obsessing over his body (he works out regularly and runs in races- he likes to show me his medals). He will be like “does my frame feel different to you baby?” Uh, what? I could honestly care less about his “frame”.

This is the guy who sends texts that say things like “I’m working out to get in shape for you baby”. It’s such a turnoff to think of a man preening for me. Yuck! Oh and he sometimes wears G-string underwear. Sooo full of himself. :p

He will ask “are you still feeling it from last night baby?” The next fucking day! Um, no, I don’t feel anything the next day. Am I supposed to?? How do you answer questions like that without either lying or seeming rude? Really, you can’t. So I play along, but come on.

Anyhow, it kind of made me laugh when he asked me that this time, because I had actually left his house, still horny, and went and fucked the Married Man. The Married Man, has been begging me for months to fuck him again. I kept putting him off.

Well, except for one time. One time, a couple of months ago, he had offered to pay me to come help him with folding his laundry. He said his wife was overwhelmed and was going to lose her mind if he didn’t help her get caught up on the laundry.

It felt pretty shady, but he put up a fake Craigslist ad, using MY email, as if it were from me, and then pretended to respond to it. I was supposedly a person who was offering in home services, like folding laundry. I was thinking that this really wasn’t that great of a cover up, if his wife DID happen to walk in the door. She had caught him sexting me once a long time ago and there is a good chance she would remember what I looked like.

In any case, I went to his house and I really did help him fold a lot of laundry. There were baby clothes amongst the piles and I was like, wait a minute- did you have a baby? He said yes, he had a 3 month old. I admit that made me feel a little bit guilty.

It also felt weird to be folding his wife’s laundry and seeing her (and his!) ratty underwear. Please, remind me, if I ever get married again, to NEVER let my underthings go to pot! He says they aren’t having sex. With a new baby, that is somewhat understandable but I’m sure sexier undergarments would help a little too. I felt sorry for her. :/ Oh, and she wears the same size bra I do…

Anyway, its not like its just me. He had a “girlfriend” for quite some time on the side but he said she was getting too attached and he didn’t want things to interfere with his relationship with his wife. He also told me a recent story about a threesome he was having with two women where one of them asked to call over a 3rd. He said SURE and the person that showed up was *surprise* a tranny!! He said he could never have sex with that woman again after watching her have sex with the tranny. He and the other woman were in shock. I can’t say I blame him, that isn’t the kind of SURPRISE most people are banking on, regardless of how open minded you are.

Point being, it’s not just me he’s fucking on the side. So, I don’t feel THAT bad. I’m definitely not emotionally attached or trying to take him away from his wife. In fact, that is the LAST thing I would want. He was actually freaking me out with some of the stuff he was saying whilst we were fucking the other night, but I’ll get back to that in a minute.

Back to the laundry. I was folding and he came downstairs and fucked me every which way on the couch before I finished. Then, some kind of contractor his wife had called came to the door and I went back to pretending to be the laundress while they talked about the state of the foundation of the house, at the kitchen table. He paid me for the laundry service and I left. Crazy.

He still texts me almost every day wanting sex. Most days I turn him down but he is persistent. Every once in awhile, I’m like what the hell, especially when things are going bad with the Cohort.

So the other night, I left the Boring guy and agreed to meet with him. It was late and he told me to meet him 10 minutes away, in the parking lot of a small restaurant. There was a man still there cleaning up, and he started to walk up to me in my car, right before the married man pulled up. Whew!

He told me to get in the back and take off my clothes. So I’m naked, other than a thong, and he was driving. He reached behind the seat to play with my nipples. At a stoplight he started undoing his pants and had me lean over the middle to give him a blowjob. His hand was feeling on my ass, which was in the air.

He was driving around trying to find a place to stop and finally settled on a dead end road in front of a house with the lights off. He climbed in the back and immediately started to go down on me. I was hoping he couldn’t taste the condom that the Boring guy had been wearing.

We were in all kinds of positions that I didn’t even know you could do in the back of a car. As he was fucking me, he started saying things like “tell me you will have my baby”. Yikes! I was like “no”. He’d say, “say it! say you will have my baby, come on”. I was totally freaked out and saying “no, no, no, no” and he kept pushing for a yes. Then he said “I’m just talking shit”. I was relieved for a minute but then he started saying he was going to leave his wife for me. He was saying that and that he wanted me to have his baby (again). I tried to tell myself, okay, this is just a fantasy thing, he said that, lol, but still…

The sex though, was good. 😉 Afterwards he asked if it had been a long time for me and I said “not that long”. LMAO. Yeah, like an hour before I came over. 😉 He was complaining that his wife never wants to have sex anymore and I said yeah that sounds like married life.

Now he wants me to commit to seeing him more often, but I’m not giving any promises. I said if and when we both have the time.

Did I mention Mr. Poly has tried to resurface a couple of times? Oh, and the Pilot. I fucked the Pilot on his lunch break from his new job (he does something with mutual funds). He was in a suit and tie and he took me out to lunch right across from where he works. Then, we fucked in the parking lot in the back of my van. There was another couple, fucking, a few cars over. He had to wipe up cum with the undershirt he had on then threw it away.

I’ve since been informed that you can get sex offender charges for fucking in public like that. Kind of scary. I should probably be much more careful. I have a history of getting careless when my heart is broken too. I just don’t want to think of the Cohort. 😦

A friend in need…isn’t shit?

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Some of you may be wondering what ever happened to the Cohort. Well, he DID come back after his disappearance. He called to talk, about a week and a half later. I was happy to hear from him. He said he was surprised he didn’t hear from ME. We spoke briefly, then a few days later he texted me. Things seemed like they were getting back to normal.

Bright and early the next morning, I got a phone call. I was still half asleep. It was the Cohort and he had injured his foot at a boxing gym the night before. He said he’d been attempting to get back in shape and was in a lot of pain. He’d been up half the night hurting and was going to call his doctor as soon as the office opened. He wasn’t sure if he’d be able to drive and asked if I might be able to take him.

OF COURSE! The man I love was hurting and I would do anything within my capability to help him. I jumped in the shower and drove over to his place.

We spent the day together. I drove him to the doctor and later to get an ultrasound on his foot. We went to pick up medicine at the pharmacy. In the waiting rooms, we kept each other entertained. There was a lot of banter and silliness between us, even though he was obviously in a lot of pain, that even medication was not helping with.

He texted me from the exam room while I was in the lobby. “The nurse just asked me to get naked”. I asked if she had rubbed her boobs on him yet. He responded that she said she wanted to check out his package before she looked at his foot. I said I bet she does. He was like “she said she doesn’t have anymore whipped cream for me to lick off her nipples” and I told him to “tell her you will whip up a batch of mayonnaise” (he’s always making jokes about how his cum is actually mayonnaise after we have sex). He was like “Lovergirl, you are REALLY filthy” and I told him that I was just over here keeping busy flashing guys in the lobby (he had thought my sundress was showing a lot of cleavage and asked me if I was trying to show off, beforehand).

Everything seemed good natured and fun. He took me out to lunch at Panera and I had to wait on him and help do things because it was hard for him to walk. He gave me a little money for “gas” (though I was driving his car) and was very thankful. When we got to his place I helped him wrap his foot in ice packs. He sort of hinted at having sex with me before I left but I told him that it hadn’t felt good when he disappeared the last time, that it had made me feel abandoned. He said “Lovergirl, I am not a bad guy. I wasn’t trying to make you feel like that. We should spend more time together. We make a good team”. He hugged me tightly and said it was good to see me.

I got a text from him after I went home that said my help really meant a lot. I told him not to hesitate to call if he needed anything else. All seemed well.

So the next morning, he called again. He asked if I could bring him lunch and I said sure. He also wanted me to help do some things for his business, that would have been hard for him, though his foot was getting better. He had pulled, but not torn, a tendon. He would pay me for the work I did.

I spent another day with him. I picked him up some fast food for lunch. I went to the doctor’s office to pick up a note he would need for work. I waited on him. I made him something to eat, basically just did whatever he needed. We talked and watched movies on the couch.

When I was getting ready to leave, he made a comment about how we couldn’t play anymore because that would make me feel “degraded”. It sounded like he was mocking the hurt I had expressed the night before. He didn’t hug me this time, or offer to pay for the lunch I picked up and I left feeling unsettled and kind of used.

On the drive home, I told him how I felt and somehow it blew up into a huge argument. Granted, I was about to start my period, and I do get very emotional with PMS. Anyway, I just felt hurt. Hurt that he wanted me to do all this stuff for him and to be there, but not enough to give me the reassurance that he would call after sex. Like, he’d rather not have sex at all, than give me that.

He said he hadn’t called before because “you said you didn’t want to be friends”. This is only part of the truth. What I had SAID, was that I didn’t want to be PLATONIC friends. I had told him if we weren’t having sex, then I didn’t want to be around him AT ALL. I asked, if you thought we weren’t friends, then why did you call ME when you needed someone? It degenerated from there.

He accused me of only helping him to “get” something in return, which is absolute bullshit. I helped him because I love him and couldn’t stand to see him in pain. I wanted to do everything I could to relieve him and make it better. It felt even worse to hear him say that because I felt like I was demonstrating just how much I care about him in being there and doing all that I did. There wasn’t some selfish motivation behind it.

Anyhow, my emotions were in overdrive and everything came spilling out. I told him I loved him. I told him that sitting there in the doctor’s offices with him I could see being with him the rest of my life and that this all is making me feel confused and strung along. I expressed how hurt I feel that he has not acknowledged a relationship between us, after a year of spending a couple of days a week together, talking almost every day and two pregnancies.

He said “I’m sorry- I can’t give you the feeling you want”. I was like, what feeling? What are you talking about? He wouldn’t answer and I was like just say it! I can take it and maybe it is best I hear it now. It took until the next morning to get him to actually say what he meant and here it is ” what I mean was that I can’t give you the feeling of love and affection and being the #1 woman in my life because I don’t see a long term relationship as a possibility between us”.

Ouch. 😦 Okay. I said “then get the fuck out of my life”. He said he was sorry but that he didn’t want to start his day off with negativity. I ignored it and had no intentions of talking to him further.

That should have been the end. Only it wasn’t, because something worse happened.

That night, I signed onto the swinger site and was looking at a party. He had signed up, which was no big deal, except for that he put a notation on there that he was coming AS A COUPLE with a particular other woman, who he named.

I just about freaking LOST IT. I called him and was like “how could you do this to me??” He said you are hysterical I will call you tomorrow, but I was so upset I wouldn’t leave him alone. I couldn’t believe that, that very night, he was going to take another woman out to a party, like she was his girlfriend, after I’d just spent two days doing everything possible for him. I was like why didn’t you call HER?!! Why would you call ME when you needed someone, then the minute you are feeling better you turn around and take someone ELSE out? Where was she when you hurt your foot?

He said that was the only way he could get into the party. It was full on single males and so she had said he could get in with her. Nevertheless, he didn’t HAVE to sign up on the site at all if that were the case and he had to know there was a good chance I would see it. It felt humiliating and extremely hurtful. I know that I would not have gone to a party with another man so soon, just out of basic respect. I would have protected him from having to SEE that I was, for sure!

I was an absolute mess, crying and devastated. That he could still go out and have fun, knowing that, made it even more painful. It was like he didn’t even give a second thought to my feeling hurt. Yet, when he had (recently) dumped some woman he went on 3 dates with (and they never even had sex), he told me he felt really bad “for about 12 hours”. It was just so shocking and horrible and hurtful that he could blatantly disregard my feelings in that way.

That was a week ago and I am still reeling from the pain. I would have done anything in the world to keep him from hurting, but when it was me, he didn’t even seem to care at all. No compassion whatsoever. I’d even say his responses were cold and borderline mean.

He did try to call later in the week and I didn’t answer. When I returned the call about 20 minutes later he didnt pick up the phone. He later texted that he just wanted to see how I was feeling. I texted back “I don’t feel good about what happened with you. It felt, and still feels, really horrible to think of you taking someone else to a party. I feel taken for granted. I feel like I put my heart out there and it just got trampled. It feels awful to be told I will never be #1 to you or have your love and affection”.

I never heard back. Nothing. Not a word. That was 4 days ago. There may be nothing left to be said about the Cohort. If that is the case, then what a harsh and painful ending it was. I don’t know how I can feel so much love and affection for someone who doesn’t feel anything in return. What is wrong with me?