Here we go again….

Twins 4_11_08 2nd Ultrasound

Well, it happened AGAIN. The Cohort and I had ANOTHER miscarriage. Who does that? What 30-something, responsible adults, who are not in an “official” relationship of any kind, go and get pregnant TWICE in a 6 month period? Apparently, us.

There is no appropriate excuse or explanation for it. It just…IS, and somehow, on some deeper level, we BOTH have to want this. We had a talk, shortly after finding out this time, and we both fessed up to the fact that there must be some subconscious pull to have a baby together. Still, it didn’t make it any easier.

Emotions were up, down, all over the place. He went back and forth from telling me that he really, really likes me and would jump on the opportunity to be with me long term if I didn’t have so many kids, to yelling at me to get an abortion. He said I treat him maybe better than any woman he has ever been with. Then said he was worried about being able to financially provide for my whole family and the social implications for him, and even brought up the fact that my other children are white. He said everyone would think he was crazy.

Then he said he’d been thinking. He thought maybe we could have some kind of non-traditional relationship, where we didn’t actually live together. He said he felt like maybe he never really wanted the whole traditional marriage type deal anyway. No matter what, he promised, he would always be there for his child.

Not long after that though, he went back to seeming angry and resentful. I told him I couldn’t handle it and just call me when he could talk without being upset. At some point, we ended up in bed together again, having hot, passionate, emotional sex. We cuddled and kissed and slept together, he came inside me, because he could. He was super affectionate.

Then, he was angry again. The roller coaster was almost too much to take. On Valentines day, it came crashing down to the bottom. I woke up to gushing blood and passed what looked like it may have been twins, in the same sac. He invited me over, and offered comfort and hugs. I had to bring a change of clothes because I was bleeding all over the place and passing clots on the mat in his bathroom.

He cleaned things up and brought me food. He took me out for pizza even though I could barely walk without having to run to the bathroom. He admitted he was sad this time and said that he hadn’t told me, but he had found a home near my house that he was planning to buy.

This sounds like the end, but it wasn’t. Almost a week later, I was still feeling nauseous, my breasts hurt and pregnancy tests kept showing up darker and darker. I was still bleeding and starting to get concerned that maybe I was wrong about having miscarried. My mind and body were playing tricks on me.

I called him, which I probably shouldn’t have, and he got really angry and started accusing me of lying. He said I was trying to “trap” him and that he thought I’d been making up that I had the miscarriage in the first place. He yelled at me that he never wanted a baby with me, to go get an abortion and leave him alone.

I ended up driving to the hospital, dizzy and bleeding, by myself, in a snowstorm. I was terrified. The ER doctors took tests and my hcg level was higher than expected for how far along I would have been. They did a pelvic exam and said my uterus was still enlarged. For a bit there I really started to believe I might still be pregnant.

Then they did an ultrasound. They said there was a lot of leftover tissue, more than what there should be, but no baby. It was possible I was farther along than expected, or it was a multiple pregnancy. I know exactly when I got pregnant because the Cohort had slipped and cum inside of me. This confirmed that it was probably what I thought the first time- twins.

They talked about the possibility of an emergency d&c but decided it was safe to send me home. I was given cytotec, which I never took because of the horror stories I have heard. The doctor said it was okay to do things naturally as long as I returned to the ER if I had pain or heavy bleeding.

Meanwhile, I had texted the Cohort to tell him where I was at and keep him updated. He asked questions via text but never bothered to come to the hospital. I felt scared and alone, and later, resentful and angry. When I expressed this to him, he was quiet, but offered to pay for the medicine and any other medical costs I incurred. He sent me the money via paypal.

He later apologized, but said he decided we should no longer have sex. So that is where we are at. He asked if I would continue to work for him, and I said yes, but we are not hanging out outside of that. I have only seen him once since then and he didn’t even hug me. We were working and talked to each other but he was obviously trying to keep his physical distance.

I’m hurt. I said I was sad and he says he is too. He says he just doesn’t think its a good idea if our relationship isn’t “going anywhere”. I guess its just too tempting to impregnate me.

The past few weekends, he’s avoided calling. Even this weekend, my kids were away at their dads, but we didn’t see one another. Still, he sends me random texts and calls sometimes for “work” purposes that really aren’t necessary. I don’t know what is going to come out of it all, but I miss him.

It feels bad to feel like I got dumped because I had a miscarriage. 😦 I’m trying to get out there and date a little bit, but haven’t really felt like having sex. The married man, when I told him I had a miscarriage, was all over that. He said “you want a baby? I’ll give you one”. Yikes! He WAS the one that once offered me $3000 a month to have his child. Now I’m kind of scared to have sex with him, lol.

It’s not been too long since I have slept with the Host (who has a vasectomy), the Pilot or Mr. Firm (he wore a condom but WOW that was hot- I think he may have earned the new position of best in bed ever, I’m not as enamored with sex with the Married Man as I used to be). There was another new guy for a bit, he was boring but he bought me some $200 boots and nice perfume. Still, I’m emotionally pretty caught up with the Cohort still and its hard to let go. I guess I am still hoping he will change his mind and want something real with me.

Maybe its hopeless, but something inside me says he’s the right man for me, like for life. Am I crazy?  Can I really be so wrong?  I know he still cares, even though he tries to hide it.  He finds reasons and excuses to contact me.  I just don’t know if I am dreaming of something that can never be.

I think one of the reasons I have had such a hard time writing in my blog lately is because I am SO AFRAID of how intense my feelings are this time around.  I’m afraid of putting it all out there and risking that vulnerability, admitting how I really feel, admitting I want something so badly.  What if I say all this and it all comes crashing down?  What if I’m wrong? What if I announce to the world how much I love someone and it turns out they really DON’T give a fuck about me?

Well, I decided to write anyway.  Thank you Mr. Firm, for encouraging me 😉 and all the others who keep asking why I don’t write.  Here I go again….

12 thoughts on “Here we go again….

  1. It’s good to see you bad, not so good to hear about all of this. Maybe it’s just me but the right man for you wouldn’t have reacted in such a way; as I read this, his reaction had me feeling some kind of way and had me thinking that if he’s not prepared to deal with the consequences of his actions, i.e., running up in you bare and not getting out in time, or in such a way that a condom can fail (because they do fail), then it is just so irresponsible of him to make such a mistake – and then get bent out of shape when sperm meets egg.

    I’m sorry to hear about this and hope that you’ll be okay going forward…

    • Thank you Kdaddy! It’s good to be back and writing again. I missed it.

      On the surface his behavior looks irresponsible and unfair. I feel like he was just emotional and freaking out though. I know if it had gone on longer and the baby were born, he would have been there 100%. He said that himself, and I believe he was totally sincere.

      I feel like him repeatedly cumming in me and getting me pregnant is because deep down he knows it would give him the “excuse” to go against all his logical arguments and be with me. Yet, he still freaks out because he’s never had kids, and the situation with me having several already scares him.

      I don’t know though. I guess we will see what happens in the future.

  2. Glad you are back. So sorry for all that happened to you, I agree with kdaddy23, but I understand how the Cohort might be thinking. Not fair that he puts you through those rollercoasters though. Does not seem to be emotionally stable or mature to me. I would love for you to find a more mature guy. Or at least one that does not gets you pregnant all the time and then throws a fit about it 🙂
    Love Jai

    • @Jai, I understood how he could have been thinking but appalled that his thoughts made him behave in the way he did and I’ll say it again: If you can’t deal with the consequences of your actions when you fuck this woman with no protection or what-the-fuck-ever, then you need to stay out of her pussy.

      I’m not really knocking the man ’cause I don’t know him like that… but his reaction to all of this and his resulting tirade just offends the shit out of me and, honestly, I’m not too fond of anyone who treats Lovergirl in such a way because she doesn’t deserve to be treated like that.

      Period.

      • I am on the same page with you kdaddy23. And I may add: No woman, nobody, deserves to be treated like that.

        I hope you recover from that well and can move on from the Cohort lovergirl.
        xo Jai

        PS: sorry I replied with the wrong account before. Pls delete the other comment. Thanks 🙂

      • Thank you Jai and Kdaddy. We aren’t having sex now, or really even hanging out. I went shopping with him last weekend and he took me out to lunch but that was it. It was for work purposes and I am still working for him. That was nice and I miss him terribly but I am not going to push anything that he doesn’t want.

        I know what he said was offensive. He apologized for it. I feel like he was just stressed out so I can forgive him. I think (hope) it was one of those things where he was just so emotional that he said things he didn’t really mean.

  3. when you caught up with him you neglect your blog..i knew this would happen(breakup)

    its pretty much over, look like he took the place of the professor, in 6 months it be a another dude you think the one…

  4. well can you please not neglect your blog when things are going good with him and come back when they not , are you planing to fight for him and win him back??, do he have someone else,? is people in his ear friends etc, have you meet any of his family members???

    • Bm- If I can figure out how to fight for him and win him back I would definitely do that. I haven’t met his family. I have met some of his friends and they like me. His best friend (a married guy) seems to always stick up for me when he talks to him about me, so that’s a plus. He doesn’t have anyone else, but he does have an ex girlfriend that he is friendly with. Its platonic and they have been broken up for almost 2 years, but I wonder if her opinion about things is one of the things that bothers him. She doesn’t know about me.

      I totally agree that I should not neglect my blog and I am planning to make an effort to keep writing in it, regardless of what happens with the Cohort.

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