Archive | March 2015

Here we go again….

Twins 4_11_08 2nd Ultrasound

Well, it happened AGAIN. The Cohort and I had ANOTHER miscarriage. Who does that? What 30-something, responsible adults, who are not in an “official” relationship of any kind, go and get pregnant TWICE in a 6 month period? Apparently, us.

There is no appropriate excuse or explanation for it. It just…IS, and somehow, on some deeper level, we BOTH have to want this. We had a talk, shortly after finding out this time, and we both fessed up to the fact that there must be some subconscious pull to have a baby together. Still, it didn’t make it any easier.

Emotions were up, down, all over the place. He went back and forth from telling me that he really, really likes me and would jump on the opportunity to be with me long term if I didn’t have so many kids, to yelling at me to get an abortion. He said I treat him maybe better than any woman he has ever been with. Then said he was worried about being able to financially provide for my whole family and the social implications for him, and even brought up the fact that my other children are white. He said everyone would think he was crazy.

Then he said he’d been thinking. He thought maybe we could have some kind of non-traditional relationship, where we didn’t actually live together. He said he felt like maybe he never really wanted the whole traditional marriage type deal anyway. No matter what, he promised, he would always be there for his child.

Not long after that though, he went back to seeming angry and resentful. I told him I couldn’t handle it and just call me when he could talk without being upset. At some point, we ended up in bed together again, having hot, passionate, emotional sex. We cuddled and kissed and slept together, he came inside me, because he could. He was super affectionate.

Then, he was angry again. The roller coaster was almost too much to take. On Valentines day, it came crashing down to the bottom. I woke up to gushing blood and passed what looked like it may have been twins, in the same sac. He invited me over, and offered comfort and hugs. I had to bring a change of clothes because I was bleeding all over the place and passing clots on the mat in his bathroom.

He cleaned things up and brought me food. He took me out for pizza even though I could barely walk without having to run to the bathroom. He admitted he was sad this time and said that he hadn’t told me, but he had found a home near my house that he was planning to buy.

This sounds like the end, but it wasn’t. Almost a week later, I was still feeling nauseous, my breasts hurt and pregnancy tests kept showing up darker and darker. I was still bleeding and starting to get concerned that maybe I was wrong about having miscarried. My mind and body were playing tricks on me.

I called him, which I probably shouldn’t have, and he got really angry and started accusing me of lying. He said I was trying to “trap” him and that he thought I’d been making up that I had the miscarriage in the first place. He yelled at me that he never wanted a baby with me, to go get an abortion and leave him alone.

I ended up driving to the hospital, dizzy and bleeding, by myself, in a snowstorm. I was terrified. The ER doctors took tests and my hcg level was higher than expected for how far along I would have been. They did a pelvic exam and said my uterus was still enlarged. For a bit there I really started to believe I might still be pregnant.

Then they did an ultrasound. They said there was a lot of leftover tissue, more than what there should be, but no baby. It was possible I was farther along than expected, or it was a multiple pregnancy. I know exactly when I got pregnant because the Cohort had slipped and cum inside of me. This confirmed that it was probably what I thought the first time- twins.

They talked about the possibility of an emergency d&c but decided it was safe to send me home. I was given cytotec, which I never took because of the horror stories I have heard. The doctor said it was okay to do things naturally as long as I returned to the ER if I had pain or heavy bleeding.

Meanwhile, I had texted the Cohort to tell him where I was at and keep him updated. He asked questions via text but never bothered to come to the hospital. I felt scared and alone, and later, resentful and angry. When I expressed this to him, he was quiet, but offered to pay for the medicine and any other medical costs I incurred. He sent me the money via paypal.

He later apologized, but said he decided we should no longer have sex. So that is where we are at. He asked if I would continue to work for him, and I said yes, but we are not hanging out outside of that. I have only seen him once since then and he didn’t even hug me. We were working and talked to each other but he was obviously trying to keep his physical distance.

I’m hurt. I said I was sad and he says he is too. He says he just doesn’t think its a good idea if our relationship isn’t “going anywhere”. I guess its just too tempting to impregnate me.

The past few weekends, he’s avoided calling. Even this weekend, my kids were away at their dads, but we didn’t see one another. Still, he sends me random texts and calls sometimes for “work” purposes that really aren’t necessary. I don’t know what is going to come out of it all, but I miss him.

It feels bad to feel like I got dumped because I had a miscarriage. 😦 I’m trying to get out there and date a little bit, but haven’t really felt like having sex. The married man, when I told him I had a miscarriage, was all over that. He said “you want a baby? I’ll give you one”. Yikes! He WAS the one that once offered me $3000 a month to have his child. Now I’m kind of scared to have sex with him, lol.

It’s not been too long since I have slept with the Host (who has a vasectomy), the Pilot or Mr. Firm (he wore a condom but WOW that was hot- I think he may have earned the new position of best in bed ever, I’m not as enamored with sex with the Married Man as I used to be). There was another new guy for a bit, he was boring but he bought me some $200 boots and nice perfume. Still, I’m emotionally pretty caught up with the Cohort still and its hard to let go. I guess I am still hoping he will change his mind and want something real with me.

Maybe its hopeless, but something inside me says he’s the right man for me, like for life. Am I crazy?  Can I really be so wrong?  I know he still cares, even though he tries to hide it.  He finds reasons and excuses to contact me.  I just don’t know if I am dreaming of something that can never be.

I think one of the reasons I have had such a hard time writing in my blog lately is because I am SO AFRAID of how intense my feelings are this time around.  I’m afraid of putting it all out there and risking that vulnerability, admitting how I really feel, admitting I want something so badly.  What if I say all this and it all comes crashing down?  What if I’m wrong? What if I announce to the world how much I love someone and it turns out they really DON’T give a fuck about me?

Well, I decided to write anyway.  Thank you Mr. Firm, for encouraging me 😉 and all the others who keep asking why I don’t write.  Here I go again….