My DREAM open relationship

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All this relationship talk about the Cohort has me pondering some things lately. I’ve been thinking about what it is that I really WANT, what my DREAM relationship would look like, and what I think I could handle. I am pretty sure, at this point in my life, that a traditional monogamous thing wouldn’t be for me. Yet, there are things I crave that you can’t find just fucking around all the time.

The Cohort and I have been having some interesting discussions. He KEEPS bringing up marriage and babies, which has me pretty confused because he also is still saying he can’t handle that with me, due to my kids. It’s like, okay, then why do you keep talking about it??? Of course, I come as a package deal and he knows that.

I really like him too, which is not helping me think straight!! I mean, I like him enough that, yes, I could see those things with him for sure, just not in a “traditional” way. Not because of him, necessarily, but because of both of us, and our inclinations to have sex with different people. I don’t see us getting seriously monogamous and being able to sustain that for any length of time.

He took me out to lunch, recently, and sat there and asked me if I could handle having another baby. I said “not as a single mom”. He was like (dead serious) “NO LOVERGIRL, that is NOT what I asked you”. Uhhhh… yeah that would be a totally different scenario than what I have going on now!

Then we got into this long discussion another night where he again reiterated that he didn’t feel he could take on the responsibilities involved with raising my kids. Again, I have never asked him to do this, but the topic keeps coming up. So I asked him if he meant “NEVER” and he hesitated and said probably never. Boundary set, right? I’m STILL not 100% sure due to his seemingly contradictory behavior.

He admitted to having feelings for me. He says he just doesn’t want to take it to THAT level and I do understand that. So, I’m acting accordingly. Still he calls and texts me a lot and we spend a lot of time together, doing a lot of relationship type stuff. Oh, and he clearly wants to get married and have babies…with SOMEONE!

Anyhow, he also brought up swinging and that he felt bad that I didn’t play at some of the parties. He said he wanted me to be able to have fun too. I had to let him know that I DID have fun, that there really weren’t guys at the one party that I wanted to play with anyhow and that I don’t think like a man. Yes, I like sex but I’m not there to fuck as many people as possible in one night, unless I actually find them attractive.

As for the other party, I admitted that the Host had said he didn’t feel we could play with him there. He didn’t like that but understood about guys not wanting to step on his toes. He said we would have to find a way to make it clear to people when it is okay, but that he also feels uncomfortable with “inviting” other men to fuck me. Still, he is adamant that he would like to see me be able to play too. So I think there is hope for us sometimes at these parties. πŸ˜‰

I probably was too worried about his reaction to me playing, due to my experiences with other guys. He may be totally okay with it all. He said he’d been a little concerned that my not playing meant I was hoping for him to reciprocate and I said no, that wasn’t it at all. It’s not, I’ve actually not been bothered by him playing with other women, thus far, probably because I am totally sure he likes ME so I don’t feel threatened. According to him, he wants me to tell him if I ever DO feel jealous, which kind of sounds like a bad idea, lol, but I guess we will see if that ever happens.

All of these discussions, plus a wedding that the Cohort attended this weekend (he kept talking about it beforehand),all had me thinking about what I would REALLY want, if I could snap my fingers and have that perfect, dream scenario. I don’t think my little dream is THAT unique, since I have heard of others wanting something similar, but it’s definitely not “traditional”.

I shared it with the Cohort, with the caveat that I wasn’t expecting HIM to fulfill any of this. He liked it and said it was interesting, he could relate to a lot of it. I think I may have shocked him a little. Sometimes, I think people know what and how I am thinking, and forget that they really don’t. He was surprised when I told him before, that I wasn’t on the lookout for something monogamous. SMFH

What I said was that in my dream world, I would be in a serious, but not monogamous, relationship with Mr. Dream Guy, whoever that may be. He would be someone that wanted and could handle living with me and my children (eventually) and who would treat them well. To the outside world, it would look and seem like a typical relationship, we might even get married.

However, we would both have the freedom to play as we wanted with other people. No one would know this, of course, except maybe really close friends and, of course, the people we were playing with.

I said I would probably have a couple of guys that I played with occasionally, besides him. They would be tried and true people, that I knew were cool and could be trusted and fun in bed. (Of course, when I told this to the Cohort he focused on this, of all things- haha- he was like, you want guys who can bang you well!!) The guy would be able to play with whoever too, but we would put each other first.

Of course he would have to like ME the best and we would have to be really into each OTHER. We wouldn’t let other people get crazy attached or cause any issues. I would prefer if he weren’t TOO attached to the other women, but I also wouldn’t want him to be a jerk to them or treat them badly or anything. Just, they would have to know boundaries and so would the guys.

I’d want some emotional exclusivity, though not sexual. I think I would want us to tell each other what we were up to in GENERAL but maybe not notify every time we were playing. Occasionally, we would do something wild, just for fun… a swinger party or some group sex TOGETHER.

BUT we’d do the whole family thing too! Maybe even have a baby or two (I know people think that’s crazy but I’d happily have more babies if I had the money and a supportive husband/co-parent). The kids wouldn’t know what was up and we wouldn’t play with others at our house. That would have to be at hotels, or their house or parking garages or whatever else we could come up with. If we could afford it, even maybe a small apartment for that purpose that we sometimes went to together too, just for fun. πŸ™‚

Of course we’d both be totally okay with everything and trust each other and communicate. I’m sure if I were pregnant and having babies I’d slow down on playing some but we’d still have an open agreement. We would also make sure to spend time together, and go out at least once or twice a week but we would be able to have our space and hang out with the girls/guys and do some other things without each other too.

I also told him that if I got married again I think I’d skip a lot of the stress and just go elope on a beach somewhere or something. I had the whole traditional wedding the first time around and I couldn’t wait for it to be over and go on my honeymoon. Way too much work, stress and money that was basically to please other people, in my case! He said he thought either a beach or that it would be fun to get married at a nice hotel in Vegas, that he’d seen some simple but elegant weddings done there before. ANYHOW, he wasn’t referring to anyone in particular, I don’t think, just threw that one in there. LOL

I finally decided to tell him all this stuff, not because I expect HIM to be a part of it but because I wanted to be honest about what I really want. Honest with myself, and with others. Right now, to me, that is what sounds like a dream. I don’t know that I could ever find it or that a guy would be TOTALLY on board with all of it, but hey, its a nice little fantasy. Who knows? πŸ˜‰

12 thoughts on “My DREAM open relationship

  1. Wow!!! I’m so glad to here that you had that conversation with him. And it sounds like it was very positive. And I truly believe that you could find that. I’ve found it and more. Good luck.

  2. You know, I read this and paid attention to what he was saying and it was throwing red flags up in my mind like you wouldn’t believe! See, I know that a woman with kids – kids of any age, by the way – is a package deal and I’ve never understood why there are men who believe that they can get the woman… but not the things that come along with her. Then this dude is talking about knocking you up – but if he can’t deal with you having kids to begin with, what the fuck makes him think that you having his baby is a different situation?

    He likes to play and obviously loves fucking you… but he’s uncomfortable with you fucking other people… but he wants you to fuck other people when you go play. Now, I don’t know about other dudes but if I’m uncomfortable even thinking about you fucking other men, I’m not going to ‘insist’ that you fuck other people until your heart’s content because the emotional stress it’ll put on me would be devastating. Now, I understand that the only way to get past this particular thing is to go to a party and not only let your woman fuck other people, but watch it happening and then try to work through the rush of very negative emotions until you’ve mastered them – and you have to master them. If, after seeing her having the time of her life being fucked, you still can’t deal with it, um, you just don’t fucking play or, if you do, you don’t bring your woman to the party; not being able to get past this thing can greatly fuck up shit like you wouldn’t believe.

    I don’t know about you but as a man and a swinger AND a die-hard believer in open relationships, the Cohort makes me nervous. I’m not saying he’s a bad man but, baby girl, he’s got issues that should make red flags pop up in your head all day long. I know what you really want and you’ve told him what your ideal situation would be… but, I dunno, he doesn’t seem to be buying into what would make you the happiest being involved with him. He’s conflicted about some really important shit and while I know you’re gonna keep fucking him, but I wouldn’t get myself too emotionally involved with such a conflicted person and regardless to how well he can fuck you. It seems to me that a lot of the guys you’ve been involved with since we met keep falling into this same pattern: They want you to swing with them, to fuck them whenever it pleases them, ain’t too happy about other people wanting to fuck you, they wanna knock you up, they want you to be exclusive with them – you see where I’m going with this, don’t you?

    Tread carefully with this dude; don’t invest too much of yourself with him and I gotta tell you that I don’t know a woman who would deal with a man who couldn’t accept the package deal…

    • Kdaddy…I don’t know. I know that I can’t expect him to fulfill these things and I don’t. At least he knows what I would LIKE in the long term, so if we are on different pages, it is out there in the open.

      I think he is a really good guy. I also think its kind of GOOD that he is leery of the kids situation. If he wasn’t, it would be suspect. It IS a huge responsibility and I don’t want to give it to anyone that hasn’t made the decision that they can handle it, after much thought. If he was just like oh sure, that’s no problem…I would not be able to trust him.

      For me, my biggest fear is probably that I will get emotionally invested in him and he will then find another woman to have the whole marriage and kids thing with. At least I know it is a possibility and can look at it realistically. I’m not saying it wouldn’t hurt but it wouldn’t be completely out of nowhere.

      He has never met my kids. He is afraid to and of getting attached. What that says to me is that he actually cares about that kind of stuff so that is good too. He does sometimes ask about them and their personalities and stuff like that.

      Him talking about knocking me up…I don’t know. I guess his biological clock is ticking. Maybe he WILL find someone else, who doesn’t have kids already, or maybe he will come around. It’s hard to say at this point, but I’m not counting on anything!

      As far as me playing…he HASN’T said he doesn’t want me to. He says he does, that he wants me to enjoy myself. He is a little nervous about how it will make him feel but that’s probably mostly because he hasn’t experienced it. I think he’s being honest and again I appreciate that.

      As far as him being conflicted, yeah…but its totally understandable and honestly sometimes I am too. There are times I think I want all this and other times I’m like wait a minute…I don’t want a guy LIVING with me!! LOL It is a big step and we are still really just getting to know each other. So I think only time will tell what becomes of all this. At least talking about it we can know if we are on the same page or going the same or different directions with it all.

      • That is exactly what is important to do. Make sure the other knows what your dreams are, what your hopes are, and then, once they are on board with those, what your expectations are. But no matter what, communication is the key.

      • Yes it is important and I am glad we have been having these discussions because even if we don’t want the same things, it is good to be able to see it and talk about it.

  3. it would only work for awhile to you end up liking one of your play partners more than your monogamous one…sound like i want my cake and eat it too… why commit?? just sleep with who you want and get your needs differently from different individuals(money, love,sex), you want a relationship where you dont have to totally commit most men wont go for that….unless they old and desperate.

    • LOL I guess I do want my cake and to eat it too! I know most men wouldn’t go for it but it sounds nice to have someone there as a life partner and companion. You can get to know someone on a much deeper level that way too and I do enjoy that.

  4. You should call him professor 2…..way too invested, he know if if act like he want more if keep you attach and not wanting to play with other guys(sly), he keep sparking that hope in you while pulling back saying he cant do it,(just incase you flip out”be like i told you what it is” ).. he running major game………

  5. you have 5 white kids, that would be hard for any blackman to accept that especially out in public it be a weird sight, im just being honest…

    • Ha! I know….but you know what? There is a girl in a moms group I am in that has SIX white kids and married a black man. My stepfather was black and my mom already had me (a white kid) and two hispanic ones. He was an asshole so I don’t know that he counts but there ARE some guys that will be okay with it. I saw a couple the other day where the mom was white and had two white kids, then the dad was black and they had a mixed baby. There’s all kinds of stuff like that out there. My son has friends that are white and were raised by their black stepdad and consider him their father. There are only two of them but still. Its not TOTALLY impossible.

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