Some Cohort Confusion

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Remember how I said things seemed to be heading towards more serious with the Cohort? Apparently he thought so too. In fact, he wanted to bring up a “discussion” about it. Sigh…

It was his idea to talk about this. He admitted that I had never given any real indication that I thought the relationship needed to go anywhere. He now says he regrets even bringing it up, that it was probably too soon and that he did so because HE was starting to feel emotions that made him think about me in that light.

Okay, but what he wanted to SAY was that he DOESN’T want the relationship to go anywhere. He said he’d been thinking about it and he just can’t handle it. He’s not ready to take on my kids or sure he could handle the whole swinger thing with someone he considered his “girl”.

He gave me some speech about how he thinks I am every bit WORTH all of that but he doesn’t think he can handle it. Then he said, who knows, he may change his mind later, he just didn’t want that expectation. THAT kind of pissed me off. I was like don’t do that to me. Don’t give me this talk about how you don’t want that then try to give me hope that things might change.

Anyhow, the whole discussion was REALLY upsetting. Mainly because I had never seriously allowed myself to even THINK like THAT. Not about him, not about anyone at all, since my divorce. I just assume most men are not going to want that kind of serious with me, due to the kids and general circumstances. Its a lot to take on. I don’t expect that at all, from anyone.

He brought all this up and made me think about things I don’t even allow myself to think about because I am too afraid to hope for it. It freaking CRUSHED me, to have him bring it up and dangle the thoughts in front of my face then turn around and be like, we can never have this because of the situation.

It’s not that I don’t understand. I do. I know all too well that it’s highly unlikely that most decent men would consider doing the family thing or anything close to marriage with me. I’m not saying this because I don’t think I am personally worth it, but because I have more than the average number of children and I know its a huge responsibility, both emotionally and financially, for anyone to consider.

Why did he bring this up?? He says it was because he’s been thinking about it a lot. That basically we’ve been behaving like we are already in a relationship, that he was seeing me as someone he could have a future with, because I’m like everything he wants in a woman, otherwise. Then he got to thinking about how we met (Craigslist! And the swinger site) and the whole swinger thing too and that kind of bothered him as well.

OUCH. 😦 The whole discussion just about killed me. I was crying over it for a couple of days. 😦 He said he felt really shitty even bringing it up because I’d never asked for or demanded anything of him relationship wise. He said he just wanted to be sure to remind us BOTH that its “just FWB”.

I felt like I was being rejected/dumped but he swears up and down that was not his intent. He says he would ideally like to keep everything we have the same. He still wants to hang out, have sex, go out to dinner or swingers parties, spend time together and have me help him with his business. All this, but without the expectation of “more”.

What’s funny is it’s not like I really EXPECTED that anyway. I would have been on cloud 9, yes, if he’d said he wanted that with me, but I’d never have dreamt of ASKING for it if he hadn’t said anything himself. Ugh. Just a bad thing to bring up, especially right before I started my period.

It made it even worse that he made a comment about how if he ever DID get into a serious relationship, it would be with someone like me. He said probably someone he just happened to meet, at a bar, on the swinger site, Craigslist or somewhere like that. I’m like nice, so now I have to worry about that happening at any time? Before I felt confident that he was really into me, but that kind of ripped it out from under my feet.

Emotionally I was a wreck. I was seriously considering having nothing to do with him again and decided not to go to this weekend long swinger party at the lake we had planned on. How could I in that state of mind? I’d suddenly feel threatened by other women and insecure, which would make it a bad experience for the both of us.

Actually, if he’d gone down by himself, at that point, I couldn’t have handled it either. I wouldn’t have been able to forgive him for making me feel like crap and then just walking away to go have fun and fuck other people, someplace we’d planned to go together, without making things right first. I would feel abandoned, whether or not it was reasonable.

I told him how I felt and that I wasn’t demanding he stay back or anything, he was free to do what he wants, but this is how it is affecting me. He said he would take that into consideration, and ultimately he decided to stay Friday night. He would probably go down to the lake Saturday, but he wanted to give us a chance to make up first.

We talked and decided we were both on the same page still and okay with doing everything we have been doing and no expectations. Feelings are fine and bound to be there but it doesn’t have to “go anywhere”. We’d still be free to act the same way. Both of us were relieved and done with the “relationship talk” for the time being.

Then he asked me out. We went to a jazz bar and had a good time, followed by dinner at a late night greasy hamburger joint. He spent the night at my house and we had lots of good sex and lots of laughs. He asked if I would still like to go to the swinger party with him and I agreed to come along. πŸ™‚

The next morning we had more sex and showered and got ready to go. We went shopping together for alcohol and food and stuff for the trip, then headed that way. We had good talks on the way down but mostly avoided the whole relationship thing.

At the party we had a good time. There was no one there I particularly wanted to fuck, though there were some guys I definitely did NOT want to fuck. We had known that ahead of time and discussed some things about it, so it was all good.

He slept with three women at the party, once each, but spent a lot more time with me. I think we had sex about 5 or 6 times there, plus the few the night before and a few times after we came back home. He even said after the first woman he slept with that it made him want to be with me even more for some reason.

He was a little perturbed when a couple of men busted in on him having sex with a woman in order to ask if they could have permission to fuck ME. LOL They hadn’t even said anything to me at that point, but wanted to ask HIM first. Its amazing to me sometimes how much more respect guys will show towards another man in that situation, yet they will get all pushy with the woman when she’s alone. These same guys, once he said it was up to me, were hounding me a bit but I chose not to go there, even though they were trying to argue me into it while he was in the other room.

I just wasn’t feeling any of the men there that night, even though several asked. Him having sex with others mostly didn’t bother me at all. The only time I got mildly upset was when he made a comment about not knowing if he would have “anything left” for me at the end of the night. It rubbed me the wrong way for a minute and he didn’t like my reaction but we remedied that fairly quickly and he did have plenty left over, lol. :p

Oh and then Mr. Motorcycle happened to show up. Eeek! That was awkward. He came and tried to lay a guilt trip on me, saying he couldn’t fuck anyone there because he didn’t think they were as beautiful as I was. That really wasn’t even true as all of the women there were at least somewhat attractive and I’d say some were prettier than I am, definitely with better bodies. I’m less than perfect after having had kids. :p

So whatever. He didn’t stay long at all and maybe it did have something to do with me. He claimed he’s been pining over me since I stopped talking to him and I really hope that was bullshit. I hate hurting people’s feelings but he definitely was not a good guy for me, and he lied a lot.

There was one point where the Cohort offered to have a threesome with me and another guy but the guy was getting ready to leave. He was a younger guy, it was his first party, but he was actually pretty good looking. It could have been fun…damn. Oh well. I was glad that the Cohort at least was considering it. That could say good things about future parties, for me.

He said afterwards that he was a little concerned I hadn’t played. Mainly “concerned” because he’s still not sure how or if he is going to be able to handle it. He kind of wants to see how it goes down and how much it will or won’t bother him.

He said he really liked having me there with him, that he enjoyed the companionship more than anything else. If he’d been there by himself he’d have spent a lot more time alone. We spent a lot of time talking and making out, especially late at night. We slept in a room with several beds and other couples and people watched us fucking a couple of the times, so it wasn’t like I didn’t do ANYTHING.

We drank and talked and socialized with people and he commented later that he likes how friendly I am. He was a little concerned that people would automatically assume we are a “couple” because of how publicly affectionate we were but then said he really didn’t mind if people thought that. Some women expressed concern that I might be upset with him sleeping with them alone, but I wasn’t, same as the guys who wanted to double check before even trying with me.

I actually went out of my way to leave him alone for a little bit here and there so he COULD have a chance to be with other people. I wasn’t trying to spoil his fun or be monopolizing him the entire time. He still sought me out and wanted a lot of sex with me, so that made me feel good. I walked by him having sex with some of the other people and it really didn’t bug me in the least. I didn’t have any desire to join in or anything and once a husband beckoned me to come over but I shook my head no because I didn’t want to fuck HIM.

Not that the guys there were bad or anything. Actually a couple of the white guys might have been fuckable. I didn’t go there this time but no saying if I would or wouldn’t sometime in the future. It was nice to see some white guys who were not just sitting there being cuckholds and were actually getting it in at a party like this though. I think my viewpoint is a little tainted with seeing a lot of that lately.

The single black men that were there (this was an “interracial party”, in case that wasn’t clear) were not ones I was personally interested in fucking (I might have gone there with the young guy who left early, but the age thing does get to me) but they were fun to talk to. The Cohort was kind of surprised, and like, but so and so has a big dick. I’m like yeah, but I’m more about the person first and the dick second.

I’m trying not to fuck guys I’m not really feeling. I guess I’m probably even more like that when there is someone I really DO like there. Like, is it worth it when there is a chance it could upset him and I’m not really that into this guy? Nahhh… Now if Mr. Firm had showed up…I would have fucked him. He wasn’t able to come because he was coaching a kids game. Damn shame… πŸ˜‰ Maybe next time. πŸ™‚

Anyhow, I’m still a bit confused with the Cohort. I really, really do like him. I kind of wish he’d never opened that can of worms because it makes me feel like I am missing something. For now though, I’m just going to try and enjoy what we have going and not think too heavily about it.

8 thoughts on “Some Cohort Confusion

  1. I could see where that would be confusing…to me it seems like either he was just trying to make sure you had a thing without having a thing…or he really digs you and was fishing for your feelings and trying to work through his own. Talking out loud to himself about whether he could be with you as an ordinary couple. The way you present it, it’s kinda like he was trying to talk himself out of a relationship.

    • From what he has said, I think it’s the second option. He does really dig me but looking at things realistically, doesn’t think its something he wants to take on. He doesn’t have any kids….an insta family would be a hell of a life change. It’s not like I was plugging for that anyway but he says its where his mind was going.

      I guess he did talk himself out of a relationship. He said before he said he would never date a woman with kids and then changed his mind and did and it wasn’t bad at all except he got attached to them, so it was hard when they broke up. He says that its still possible he’d change his mind with me but that he doesn’t think he could do it so he doesn’t want me to get my hopes up. He’s been adamant about not meeting my kids (not that I ever asked him to) and its obviously something he’s afraid of.

      • Right. He’s bringing up things you’ve never mentioned because he’s working it over in his mind, and he’s scared and nervous. I have no idea how many kids you have, or your overall situation beyond what you present in your blog, but I promise you that there are guys who would actually be interested in having a real relationship with you in a committed fashion. I know of a woman who just gave birth to her 5th child and she has two men fighting over her. Weird but true. Good luck!

      • That’s interesting. I have the same amount of children she does, but no one fighting for a commitment yet, ha! Of course there is the whole swinger thing…… A glaring part of the problem is that I am not interested in traditional monogamy.

  2. I’ll say it again: Damn, the shit you get yourself into! I read this and, yeah, what he said was kinda confusing but what I had a problem with was your reaction. If you weren’t even thinking about changing the status of your “relationship”: with him, then it shouldn’t have upset you when he said he didn’t think he could do it. To me, you could have just said, “Well, okay – I didn’t expect or want you to get that involved…” because, as you said, you know that some men just can’t handle your situation. But you got upset, thought about not hanging with him… then hung out with him anyway.

    Swinger etiquette is often pretty weird and tho the point where it’s almost nonexistent. I wasn’t surprised that those guys asked his permission to do you because, hey, he might have had some objections; if you object, bad words could come into play – if he objects, violence could happen. The current mindset is that if you’re at a swinger’s party, you’re there to fuck and be fucked… except that’s not even close to the truth and, yeah, I could see the Cohort being a little confused about why you’re not getting all the dick being aimed at you… but he should also understand that women don’t really work like that, even in this situation. If she ain’t feeling it, she’s not gonna do it and if she fucks anyone, it’ll just be the guy she came with… and that just appears to defeat the purpose of going to these things. I mean, we come to these things because I like to fuck and you like to fuck and we kinda don’t have any problems with fucking other people… right?

    For any newbie swingers reading this, um, can you see how complicated this situation can really be? I understand it – I just think it’s fucking hilarious at the same time… but that’s me.

    It just doesn’t surprise me that he doesn’t want to be more fully involved with your life but the thing I learned at an early age is that if you get involved with a woman at any level, you don’t just get involved with one part of her – you get all of her and if you can’t deal with all of it, then why bother with just this one part of it? It’s easier to just walk away from her than to say some shit like he said that would either hurt her feelings or falsely get her hopes up – but that’s what I learned and I can’t speak for other men in this.

    I know that when it comes to these things, you’re kinda “weird;” you want a man who will be with you and into you and willing and able to indulge you in this but you don’t want to really be tied down in a relationship in the conventional sense – you and I have talked about this before, yes? You have me shaking my head because if you’re gonna be in the life, then you have to be fearless about it; if you’re not fucking other men at these parties because you’re afraid that you’re gonna upset him, then why bother with it? If he’s gonna get upset to see a guy pounding the shit out of you, then why bother with showing up? If you’ve got it in your head that you’re not gonna like anyone else who might be there AND because you showed up with a guy you do like like that, why bother? Why not just spend your time with him alone and uninterrupted, right?

    You just have the most amazing situations… no wonder why your blog got voted to be one of the best!

    • Kdaddy.. yes and thanks, I realize my reaction was more emotional than logical. I was cool with what he said at first but then it started to really eat at me. He planted the idea in my head that I COULD actually have this, then took that possibility away, and it hurt!

      I agree swinger etiquette is a whole nother ball game, lol. As far as my not playing, there just wasn’t anyone there that was worth it to me. IF another time there is I may change my mind. The Cohort hasn’t given me reason to believe he’d be upset if I fucked another guy. That’s me, being used to so many guys who would be, and being careful because I like him so much.

  3. That is the worst. I feel your pain, girlfriend. Why do they bring these things up if they never plan on following through? If you care about a woman, respect her enough to not blurt out ideas just because you”re feeling excited if there’s any chance you might take it back. *hugs*

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