Thoughts on submission


Lately I’ve been pondering some things about dominance and submission.  Now, before you get too excited, realize I’ve never considered myself as a part of the BDSM community.  I really don’t know a whole lot about it, just read little bits here and there. 

I find it somewhat fascinating but at the same time scary sounding.  I’m not fond of being in pain or hurting anyone so that part doesn’t sound appealing to me.  I see things like floggers, electric shockers, and nipple clamps and I’m thinking OMG, no, not for me!

I had a chance to talk with a male friend once who had gone to his very first BDSM convention.  He talked about some of the workshops and about people who wore latex masks over their heads and all kinds of things I had never heard of (at the time) that were happening.  It was very interesting, but for me pretty much stopped there. 

That’s not to say I’m not curious.  I’m curious about things like what it would be like to be tied up or blindfolded.  I wonder just how much spanking I could handle (I do like that!).  All in all, my thoughts about it are pretty tame, compared to what I know is out there, and I’ve probably only scratched the surface as far as reading and learning about BDSM.

I find the idea of power play a little more intriguing than the pain aspect.  I’ve experienced some of that with my lovers and it has turned me on.  Some things that come more naturally, and don’t require props or safewords, have been part of my sex life on many of occasions. 

I’ve always been really turned on by men that are very dominant in bed.  Not mean though, it doesn’t excite me when someone calls me names or gets overly rough.  No, I like them passionate in an almost romantic way in the bedroom.  Passionate and in control, but still very affectionate and focusing on getting ME off, rather than their own selfish desires, that will get satisfied in the end anyhow.

I guess that’s a pretty tall order.  Maybe I am spoiled because I have found men who have been able to give me that very thing.  As few and far between as they may be, I’m becoming more adroit at identifying those that can satisfy the cravings of my mind and body. 

Recently, when I was having dinner with a man I have met at some swinger parties and a couple he was here visiting; the topic of choking came up.  None of them found it to be a sexual turn on.  I said that I had thought I never would either, but when it actually happened during sex, it turned me on much more than expected.  They looked at me like I’d grown another head!  LOL

Yet, it’s true.  I had always thought I would hate being choked during sex.  I was terrified of the idea.  Yet the first time a man did it to me in the bedroom, I came.  It was actually right before I met the married man who made me cum so many times in a row and it was mild in comparison, but it happened.  It was with my FWB who does have a tendency to like a little roughness between the sheets. When I told Mr. Firm of our dinner conversation he laughed and said a lot of women say one thing but in bed like another. He was like “I could tell you liked that”.

It calls to mind memories of the guy who was my very favorite sex partner as a teenager.  We hated each other’s guts!  Pretty much anyway, lol.  Yet, the sex was addicting.  We’d come back to fucking again and again, despite the way we treated one another outside the bedroom. 

I’ve mentioned him a few times on my blog.  The first time we had sex it was actually forced and as part of a bunch of guys pulling a train on me, one that I didn’t want to participate in.  I had willingly slept with the first guy but HE was the 2nd, the one who got on top of me and wouldn’t get off or allow me to get dressed.  He wouldn’t take no for an answer and slowly inched his way in, despite my protests, all while confusing me even more with the things he was whispering in my ear.

 Despite the fact that I was adamant about not wanting to have sex with him, he was deliberately turning me on.  He knew what he was doing and I can guarantee that wasn’t the only time he’s done it.  It happened again, a second time, where they pulled a train on me and he was again the person that pushed it.  The first time we were in a park and the police showed up before the guys scattered and the second we were in a house and I was alone in a room on the couch with the other guy before he came in. 

Those were actually fairly traumatic experiences for me emotionally but like I have said before I continued to have sex with him.  Outwardly, I couldn’t stand this guy.  I couldn’t stand his asshole attitude (I even call him The Asshole in one of my blog posts, My Deep, Dark Past).  He was a real jerk and we would be at each other’s THROATS in arguments. 

I can remember one time, being at a party in this guy’s backyard and we got into it.  We were yelling and cussing at one another over something and he suddenly picked me up off the ground and started walking.  I was actually a little scared of what he was about to do.  He picked me up and carried me down those basement steps, stopping to pretend he was going drop me every once in a while, causing me to scream and hang onto his neck. 

When we got to the bed, he threw me on it and started pulling off my clothes.  I didn’t say no that time but he took exactly what he wanted and it got a little rough.  He was shoving my face down on the pillow and at some point a couple guys came down and were watching.  It was hot!! 😉  LOL

There was another time we had been dropped off at this Mexican drug dealer’s house and were stuck there all night.  All the bedrooms were occupied and he and I were in the living room, fighting like cats and dogs.  One of the Mexican guys finally came out of his room and threw a pair of boxing gloves at us, telling us to shut up already and just duke it out.  Haha.

Later, some really creepy, crackhead looking motherfuckers with missing teeth came to the house and we were stuck with them too, in the living room.  They were adults and we were still really kids and these guys were leering and hitting on me.  I was scared, but The Asshole actually stood up for me, backed me up against the wall behind him and was cussing them out and threatening them. 

We ended up having sex after that, on the floor in another room and all the tension was relieved.  He let me sleep up next to him, with his arm out across me to ward off the bad guys, lol. 😉 He’s really not all that bad, though he did spend some years in prison after being tried as an adult for holding up someplace with a gun, soon after.

The day before that happened was the last time I ever touched him.  He came up behind me, while I was standing in a front yard at this guy’s house and put me in a choke hold with a loaded gun up against my head.  He said “don’t move or I’ll shoot”.  I said “you wouldn’t shoot me”.  He cocked the gun and pulled his arm tighter around my throat “say I won’t!!”  I said “you’d miss me too much” and he was like “say I won’t do it” and looked me in the eye. I said “do it then” and turned my cheek toward him. He stood there. “Come on then, do it! I dared him. He kind of smirked and put down the gun.  I could tell by the look in his eyes he could never go through with that ;). 

He’s on my Facebook now and he’s married and life has changed, but I told that story to illustrate how early on in life I was already getting off a little bit on a power exchange dynamic.  It was hot!!  He was great in bed for how young we were and despite being rather forceful would turn into an almost totally different person with the passion and affection and things he would say to me (he loved to talk during sex).

Nowadays I have come to realize just how much I ENJOY a man taking control in the bedroom and that feeling of helplessness.  All of my favorite men have at some point called me “really submissive”.  I hope, and think, that means they like it!  LOL  My ex- husband sure didn’t, because he was the same way. 

I’ve struggled a bit, with the whole being submissive thing, because I know I am and that naturally that is just me.  However, so many people seem to equate it with weakness.  If I’m honest I would say that actually in a way I do too.  My ex husband’s submissiveness was a total turn off to me.  I didn’t want a man to act weak in the bedroom. 

So I wonder, if men really even like that?  I sometimes feel like I am not DOING anything and wonder why men still say I am good in bed.  Do some people actually enjoy and LIKE it when someone is letting them call all the shots?  I know there are guys that do, it’s just so hard for me to picture being on the other end of that.

Mr. Firm always says I fuck him just the way he “needs”.  I love that he tells me that but am a little puzzled by what he actually means.  I find HIM very fulfilling because he is that perfect combination of dominant and sweet and he can make me cum again and again.  I’m quite happy to be on the receiving end of all that, lol. 😉

He said recently that I am so submissive he can’t picture me being dominant, even with another woman.  I had to think about that for a minute because I am pretty sure I wouldn’t want to be, but at the same time the idea of submitting to another female kind of gives me a pause.  I don’t think I would want to!  Not really.  I have an inkling that if a woman started trying to tell me what to do in bed it would piss me off!   I’m happier and more comfortable with something equal.

I think the reason it is different with men has something to do with just loving to see all that masculine POWER.  I don’t desire that from a woman.  I love when a guy can just take me and do whatever he wants, but where I trust him enough to know he also wouldn’t really hurt me.

From me, I guess I’d also say submission to someone is a gift.  I don’t act like that with just anyone.  I mean, I don’t boss any guy around in the bedroom, but for me to actively and willingly “submit” there has to be trust involved.  Still, that is where I am at my happiest.  If I can’t get to that point with a man then the sex doesn’t become truly spectacular.

I’m curious to hear from men or women who LOVE being dominant in bed.  What is it that turns you on about a person submitting to you?  When I try to dig up info from that side of the spectrum, there is very little, even on the world wide web!  Lots of people can describe what they love about someone dominating them but what about in reverse?  Why do you like it?  Is there anything a “submissive” person can do to make you like it even more?

17 thoughts on “Thoughts on submission

    • Yes, I do have some. I think that is pretty typical though. It’s like the #1 fantasy among women, though most wouldn’t want to REALLY get raped so it can be misconstrued. Honestly, I don’t want to be raped for real either, even though there were a couple times in my life where it happened and turned into something that I did like. I definitely wouldn’t want it in a brutal way. I was raped by a guy at gunpoint once and it was awful, even though he didn’t physically hurt me. I also didn’t like that guy forcing himself on me after that last party, even though I wasn’t traumatized by it. I don’t want to be misleading. In our fantasies we are the ones who are REALLY in control to make it go the way we want it to.

  1. it make you feel more of a man if the women submissive,,its a reason why thugs/bad boys in, no matter how broke they are they get a fair share of sex… black women have a hard time being submissive unless it with a different race

    • Thugs and bad boys do get more sex and I think it’s because they aren’t afraid to show their more masculine/dominant side, whereas nice guys often are. The best men though are the NICE masculine/dominant types, moreso than the bad boys, but they are harder to find and a lot of women don’t realize they exist.

      As for black women and submission…I wouldn’t know, not being a man, but do you find that is true IN the bedroom or just outside of it? I have a hard time believing most black women would prefer to submit to someone outside their race. The vast majority of black women aren’t even interested in dating other races and I would suspect that has more to do with them feeling like they can ONLY submit to a black man.

      The black girls I grew up with mostly won’t have anything to do with white men. They will say thing like “well, maybe if he was REALLY good looking” but that they are not attracted. Plus the comments I have heard always seem like they think white guys are too weak. Heck, I know black (and mixed!) women who say they don’t even like light skinned black men, with the implication that they think they are too “soft”.

  2. Black women have no problem submitting to the opposite race, i think white women like that too ,like if they date others they dont have a problem letting loose, as if not going to get back to the home race(and looked at as weak), black women like white men(they say one thing but react differently), it just alot white men dont prefer them as wifes and girlfriends but only a fuck thang or fwb so black women pretend and reject first since they know what their chances are with whitemen aside from the creepy geeky ones, scandal like the number one show for a reason its like a secret desire black women dont talk about…

    • Hmmm… I honestly can’t say and that gets into a whole nother topic, that I am not really qualified to make a blog post on, not being a black woman myself, lol. My stepsister is black and has a baby with a white guy (and they live together). She gets accused of “acting white” anyhow though. She grew up in the hood but their mom did everything possible to ensure her kids could have a better life so she was sent to a prestigious private school that is mostly white. (Actually the married man sends his kids to that same school.) Some of my family think the guy is kind of a jerk but I don’t know whether he qualifies as “dominant”.

      My ex husband is living with a black woman and he is white. He is definitely the submissive person in the relationship there though. She even says stuff like “I control things here” to me! LOL

  3. Submission and power exchange…one of my favorite sexual subjects. As a man, I have developed a complicated relationship to dominance and submission. I am a very easy going person in my “ordinary” life, but I am not submissive. I would term myself as agreeable, but independent. I have no problem taking direction, and cooperating, but I do my own thing, and don’t take orders or bossing from anyone.
    Sexually, until meeting Amy (the woman I’ve had an ongoing affair with) I was never sexually dominant. I was heterosexual, as a teen but developed an interest in crossdressing, which naturally lead to an interest in submission. My sexual relationship with my wife was control neutral (neither of us dom or sub), and I have a big reservation about getting into any kind of sub experience with her because I don’t want it to color the rest of my marriage.
    Anyway, I have a small package, and have always been insecure about it, and additionally with my wife I always felt insecure about my ability to stave off orgasm…she always cums more than once, but still I was always insecure about it. Those two factors, along with my developing interesting in exploring my bi side lead me to take on a submissive role with men, and to explore a submissive role at the few BDSM clubs I visited.
    Once I met Amy however things changed. She is submissive in the bedroom, and extremely responsive sexually. She makes me feel like an absolute stud, and with her I can have amazing control on my orgasm. With her I am very dominant in bed in a sensual way. I completely control her, with firmness but never roughness, and she has seemingly endless orgasms.
    That freed me up to be confident with other women and take a more dominant role. I still haven’t figured out the rough sex thing, even though I’ve been with a couple women who like it…it just doesn’t come natural to me.

  4. I would say being a man, and having been with many men, that most men fall into two categories: those that want to be in charge, and everyone else! lol Based off of Craigslist postings and experience in BDSM, there is an endless stream of men that want to be dominated sexually or want to submit either to women, or to men. There are also however plenty of men that want to be tops or doms, but I would say in the “alternative” sexual world that subs outnumber tops 3-1. Maybe the top guys just don’t need to advertise?

    • I wonder. There are men who are sort of dominant, but not as many as I would like, or at least not AS dominant. Or at least it seems that way. I do know a little more what to look for now, I think.

  5. And I would have to agree on the race/bad boy thing. I used to work in an almost all black school, which was my first real experience with black men/women on a daily and familiar basis. Black men are FAR more expressive with their desire and sexuality and dominance. As such they ask more, and the more you ask the more likely you are to get a yes answer. White guys are more reserved and less likely to take the “you wanna fuck?” approach than the average black guy. Many women are insecure, and respond very favorably to being pursued and many also have a hard time saying no, so when you get a badass guy asking you to fuck, there are plenty I think who will say yes, whether they really want to or not. Along with that, lots of women are attracted to strong, manly men. These days a lot of white guys have gone the nerdy dweep xbox playing route, while a lot of young black guys are still out being boys and men.

    • I think it is true that black men in general are much more sexually aggressive. White guys, at least here in the U.S., seem to be a lot more tentative. Like I mentioned in my most recent post about the orgy party (part 2), the only white guy I sort of played with was asking me stuff like “is this okay”. I’ve gotten that from a lot of white guys and its one of those things that turns me off. Maybe a few black guys like that but not near as many. Sure there are some dominant white guys but they seem more difficult to find.

  6. Funny, we’ve just been discussing this subject at “The Erotic Writer” and at the blog “cleverboots”. I’ll mention your blog post at these other sites too. 🙂

  7. Pingback: Ask Anything | The Erotic Writer

  8. Pingback: Pain & Pleasure | The Erotic Writer

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