It’s my Blogiversary!! :D

Ladies and Gentleman, I am proud to announce that it is the official one year anniversary of the day I opened a WordPress account and began this wonderful blog! Woohoo!  I am thrilled to see that in that amount of time I have acquired 226 followers and even more happy that so many of you have taken the time to interact and comment on my writing and experiences.  I’ve even received blog award nominations a total of 14 times!  Wow!! 

So glad I decided to come here and put my thoughts to good use.  It’s like therapy for me to write about what’s in my head and and others get a peek into my interesting life.  I’m having my cake, eating it and sharing it with all of you!! 😀

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It’s funny that right around this time weddings have really been on my mind.  Not just the little emotional fantasy voyage my mind has been on regarding the Producer, but other weird little happenings as well. 

The other day, Friday the 13th to be exact, my ex- husband’s girlfriend texted me again.  She wanted to know why our marriage ended and if he had ever cheated, so I gave her the short version. 

I said “Not that I know of.  He fell for another woman that he was working with but I am pretty sure they never had sex.  He told the marriage counselors that he would leave all of us for her if she wanted him though.  Really our marriage was over long before that.  We weren’t having sex hardly at all and he said he was never attracted to me.”

I mean, all that is the truth.  There is a lot more I could have said but I was kind of taken aback by the question in the first place and didn’t want to trash talk.  Yet, at the same time I felt like I should warn her.  Warn her about the lack of sex and let her know that if it is happening to her she’s not alone.  I mean, what do you say?  There’s no way I could fit 13 years of marriage into a text.

Anyway, she had a reason for asking because right afterwards she informed me that he had proposed to her and that’s why she wanted to know.  Holy cow!  She has claimed in the past that they were going to tie the knot, and even had a date set, but he told me that they weren’t at that time.  This, however, sounds more serious.

If any of you all remember the blog post I wrote about six weeks ago, where I got a text from his number asking if I still think about him, but he later said it was her drunk texting on his phone, well, that makes it extra weird.  One of my sisters, her child’s father did something similar right before he proposed to his current wife.  He just had to check and make sure she wasn’t still interested first, and I wonder if that was what it was all about, but I guess I’ll never know!

In any case, I would never want to get back with him but at the same time it brings up some feelings.  It’s again a reminder of the family I dreamed of having being shattered and totally lost as our marriage fell apart.  It’s a reminder of all the plans we had for our life together and how those came crashing down.  Another reminder of my own failure to provide the perfect home I thought I could have for my children, and that I’ll never have that chance again.  Ouch.

As another reminder, when I was getting my nails done later that day ,(finally using that gift certificate I won, lol) I picked a glittery neutral pinkish color, thinking it would go well with most of my clothing and toes.  The woman said “oh, that is ‘June Bride’, were you a June bride?” and mentioned that she had just gotten married this June.  Sigh… 

Yesterday I was at the park with my kids and took my 3 yr old in the restroom.  Inside was a woman dressed in a wedding gown attempting to use the restroom while three bridesmaids held her dress.  That was entertaining anyhow.  What’s the message in that?  Marriage is shitty?  Haha

For the most part I’m not too worried about my ex getting married.  I’m thinking it doesn’t really affect us that much since he is already fairly distant from the kids.  It might mean he won’t want to take part in our tax return deal, where I allow him to claim a couple of the kids in exchange for half his refund, so in that sense not good for me.  Other than that, I don’t know. 

Today when I dropped the kids off for their (day) visit, he didn’t come out to the vehicle to get them.  I called and he said he might be there in a minute.  We waited awhile and finally his girlfriend came out, which was awkward, since I normally avoid her.  She said he was just waking up.

So I text my son and ask if everything is okay and call the other one, and they say, it is now, our dad just got home.  What?  I don’t get that.  They were lying to me about him being there, which makes no sense, unless he just didn’t want to talk to me. When I called and texted was like 15 minutes after I left and he had known we were coming. He had even texted me like an hour before to make sure what time (and he was supposedly asleep?).

 His girlfriend is really jealous and seems to think I still want him, regardless of me telling her multiple times I don’t.  She has gotten upset if I talk to him about anything that isn’t related to the kids, even finances.  I don’t know if this marriage thing is going to her head to the point where she thinks she has to control his every move or what.  She is kind of like that and I wonder if that isn’t why they are together.  He did say, when we were divorcing that the reason he wasn’t as attracted to me was because I was “too nice” and not bossy enough.  (I know, wtf? Right?)

I wonder what this means for the future because if he is unwilling to talk to me even about things with the kids, it is going to make me feel uncomfortable leaving them there.  I have full, sole custody and he doesn’t show a whole lot of interest in them or with helping with our difficult teenage son anyhow.  I think it would make me feel a lot less guilty about packing up and moving far away if it comes to that.  I guess only time will tell.

26 thoughts on “It’s my Blogiversary!! :D

  1. Happy anniversary to you and the thing with your ex? Don’t let it mess with your head, okay? The way I see it – and from what you’ve told me – you didn’t fail – he did and then left you and your kids to fend for yourself, which you’ve managed to do. And never feel guilty if/when you have to do what’s best for you and your kids, even if it meant packing up and moving. And if he doesn’t like it, too fucking bad – he made his choices and it even makes me scratch my head in disbelief…

    • Thanks. It’s hard not to feel like a failure because I failed in some way even if it wasn’t all my fault. I failed to pick the right guy as a father to my kids. He doesn’t really seem to care that much about them at all and I had thought he’d make a great dad, back when we were dating.

      In any case, yeah, you aren’t the only one scratching your head. They are an odd couple. He’s a health nut and works out all the time, she’s very overweight and doesn’t take care of herself. She smokes and has an alcohol problem that has included dui’s and was in jail for her 3rd domestic assault a couple years ago. My ex doesn’t drink or smoke and is generally a pretty passive guy. She smokes weed, he doesn’t. No clue what they could possibly have in common. It’s all just really surprising to everyone that knows him.

      My sister says maybe that’s what he wanted all along and was just afraid to let anyone know so he married me because that is what he thought would fit everyone’s image of what he was “supposed” to do and want with his life. He probably felt pressure to go into ministry because his father was a preacher. Maybe he spent so long doing what everyone else expected of him that he just decided fuck it, this is what I really want and finally I’m going to do me.

      It’s a shame that he apparently didn’t want the responsibility of having children though because it’s a little late to decide that. He wanted all these kids. I wonder if they will have any more together? That would be crazy.

  2. He probably didnt come outside to get the kids because im sure she told him you said she wouldnt get sex from him that often(thats like saying he be a suck future husband), and he probably thinking you trying to sabotaged him.. never trust someone that is jealous of you.. Do you think you ever going to get married again and if so would you want it to be a open marriage(swingers)…

    • The way I worded it wasn’t blaming though, I said “we weren’t having sex” and mentioned that he said he wasn’t attracted to me. So she’s probably thinking he just wasn’t attracted and he could easily claim he just wasn’t into ME. I don’t think she believes he wasn’t attracted to me though. No one believes that because I’m ten times more physically attractive than she is, but whatever. I’m still not convinced that his being with her isn’t still covering up really being gay.

      He doesn’t think sex is as important as most people do, unless he has drastically changed his outlook. So I honestly don’t think he’d be all that offended. He just thought I was being over the top, wanting sex all the time, and that a woman shouldn’t care so much about that.

      You’re right I should never trust her and I don’t. Of course I think he’d suck as a husband, lol. We wouldn’t be divorced otherwise. So asking the ex wife is kind of counterproductive anyhow, unless you are just trying to dig up some dirt.

      As for marriage in the future. I really don’t know. If I did I think it would HAVE to be open. I’m pretty sure I couldn’t trust myself or a man to be faithful for life, especially not the ones I am attracted to. Not sure that we’d have to swing. A don’t ask/don’t tell arrangement might work just as well or better.

  3. i see her marry him, and she probably just fuck dudes on the side(if he taking care of the bills), and if she taking care of the bills etc, then thats his reason for marry her and he the trophy of the relationship, there always a trade off..marriage wont hold strong just based on love…

    • She was the one taking care of the bills for a looong time. He didn’t work (or pay child support to us) for 8 months and she would be telling the kids stuff like “your Dad needs to pay rent”. So, I don’t think she’s marrying him for the money! Haha

      Though she did mention recently that she just lost her job. She was trying to get me to back off on the amount of child support that the court has ordered him to pay (his wages are garnished now). Yeah right, it’s much lower than it should be anyhow and he owes thousands in back support from not working. I was like he needs to be helping support his children and she said well, he couldn’t get by himself if he had to live on just half his check without her help. So she feels like she is the one taking care of him.

  4. Congrats on the one year anniversary. Keep it going. Your blog is great.

    From your last couple posts, it seems like you miss marriage and want to be married again soon. Just make sure you go forward with a clear head on where you’ve been and where you want to go. Don’t let the extraneous stuff cloud your judgment.

    • Glad you are enjoying it and thank you!! 🙂 I wouldn’t say that I really miss marriage. I think it’s more that I feel overwhelmed as a mom of 5 and trying to deal with a difficult teenage son on my own. I’m struggling financially on top of it.

      So really, it’s the financial security and just having a man around as I try to bring up my kids, especially my 4 boys, who will all be teenagers at once. I know they really need a male role model and their dad is not helping much in that area. It would be nice to have someone backing me up on things.

      I think if I were to get married again it would be more of a business transaction than anything. He would have to be someone with a good income and someone who would be intimidating enough to help keep my son in line, as well as generally nice because I don’t want someone abusive. In return I’d be happy to do things like cook, do laundry and take care of the house. I do all that anyhow.

      He couldn’t be a slob like my ex though (even his new girlfriend has complained that when the kids come over she is the one who has to clean up after them and he doesn’t help). It would have to be someone who wouldn’t be making my life stressful with extra work. I don’t need an extra kid.

      The Producer has said he doesn’t do housework. He claims it cramps his hands up (eyeroll). However, he seems pretty organized and clean so he at least wouldn’t be making lots MORE work. He has a bunch of extra bedrooms and wants someone to cook for him. He’s gone on trips a lot and only there half the week normally. If I had freedom to have sex with the guys I want to as well and he wouldn’t stress? Sounds kinda like an ideal arrangement to me and I guess that’s why I was letting my mind wander.

      • I laughed like hell with your reply to me when you called for a “business arrangement” instead of a marriage. Just make sure your business partner understands the arrangement. And so I say no need to get married; just live together.

    • Hahaha, I agree about the not needing to get married stuff. 😉 Honestly, I’m not even sure I am ready to live with a man at this point. When I think back to when I was married, it was really so much extra stress and work to try and keep my ex happy (which didn’t work anyhow) and so much more mess to clean.

  5. Im pretty sure the producer can keep clean easy since he only one person, but i dont see him being the family man no matter what he says i think he like the arrangement you have now because things is on his term, if you move in or vice verser with your kids that change the dynamics of everything, i cant imagine a dude moving in and having a family and allowing you to see other dudes, it might start off like that then later he spit the”im starting to grow stronger feeling for you (jealousy)to stop you from seeing other men, or when he get tired of you(you should always see things as temporary messing with people who must have more than one person to have sex with(swingers=never satisfied), i dont know why maybe im wrong but lifealovergirl in the future i see you becoming a escort, either through curiosity or to get a leg up on the financial tip…

    • If being an escort were legal I might do it, but it isn’t and its too risky. I have little people depending on me and can’t be going to jail. A sugar daddy though…. I think I might like ;):).

      I actually am pretty happy with the arrangement with the Producer as is right now too and I can definitely see him acting the way you describe, and being more possessive if we got more serious. So for now I think I will just enjoy what’s in front of me.

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