“Good in bed” and what it means to me…

in deep

I talk a lot about sex on my blog.  Sometimes I mention how fantastic a certain guy is in bed.  I’ve even mentioned “Penis Power” and the effect certain guys can have on a woman, and what they can do to her with their dick. However, today I’d like to go into more detail, and describe what “good in bed” means to me.

What got me thinking was a recent question by Cecilia in response to one of my blog entries.  She asked what it was that made “good pussy” according to men, since I have mentioned guys telling me I have some.  I’ve often wondered the same thing.  Kdaddy responded with his idea of “good pussy” which was interesting and helpful. He even mentioned that he may write a blog about it himself.  I’d definitely be interested in reading that one!! 

I’ve actually posed that question to men before and they have given various answers but the concept is still pretty vague.  Basically, I get that they want a woman to be enthusiastic.  Some say they like them tight and others say wet.  Being “good in bed” as a woman is hard to define.  Heck, I wrote an entire blog about THAT too. (Redefining Love) I talked about the lame tips we get from sources like Cosmo and how we are supposed to figure out what to do from there but don’t really have any real guidelines, as women.

Today though, I want to talk about men, and my personal preferences.  I can’t really speak for other women though I can GUESS that they might be similar to me in some ways.  Still, we are often different, or so say the men, and confusing.  Nero mentioned recently in one of HIS blogs that his wife didn’t like him pulling her hair during sex, though he thought she’d respond well to something a little more rough, since he’s been spying on her kindle searches and she seems to like sex stories that involve dominant men.

I don’t know about her, and can’t really fathom the negative response she gave, other than attributing it to being her husband and not wanting to submit too much too him.  However, on MY end, I love that shit.  I love it when a guy gets a little rough with me, hair pulling, spanking, getting aggressive, even to the point where I feel fear.  Actually that turns me on, being a little afraid of him and the power that he has over me in bed.

I used to think I’d hate someone choking me but there have been a few occasions where a guy put his hand to my throat in a mock “choke” and I actually came.  Despite my massive fear, and claustrophobic reaction to being “choked”, or perhaps because of it, I got really turned on.  I wouldn’t have thought so.  After having a guy really try to choke me once, and pick me up by my throat in a non- sexual manner, it is something that freaks me out…and apparently gets me horny too.

That said, I wouldn’t want serious choking, in or out of the bedroom.  It’s a fine line, kind of like a rape fantasy.  Oh, and rape fantasies?  I have those too.  I guess I’m actually fairly typical as far as women go in that regard.  It’s supposedly one of the top things we fantasize about and I’m right there with you all.

Actually, and I know this is terribly un-pc and perhaps a bit dangerous to admit (thank God this is fairly anonymous) but there was at least one time I was raped for real and actually enjoyed it.  It’s not something I’d ever want to encourage anyone to do, of course, and I’ve also been raped in a more traumatic way, at gunpoint, but this time, well, it was fucking HOT!! 

I’m a tad bit drunk while writing today (downed a bottle of wine) so bear with me, but this is brutal honesty.  Please don’t take it as me saying its okay to rape, or be raped because it’s not.  I was not turned on at ALL by the incident with the guy with the gun, however, this particular other time, well, it was the stuff my fantasies are made of.  If you are sensitive to this topic you may want to stop reading now.

I’ve mentioned this before on my blog.  I was 15 years old and lying in bed after having had sex with my boyfriend.  He went upstairs when some people showed up at the house and I was in a dark basement bedroom all by myself.  My clothes were on the floor next to the bed and I didn’t feel like getting up just yet. 

Someone came down the stairs, I think I probably thought it was my boyfriend and didn’t make a move to get up.  They opened the door and I could see a silhouette in the doorway, the light shining behind the guy who was standing there.  I was naked so I quickly pulled a sheet over myself, but not before he saw my body. All I could see of him was that he was wearing a wife beater and some kind of pimp hat.  He appeared to be biracial.  I couldn’t see his face though, because it was too dark and the light was behind him.

He came right up to the bed and got on top of me, with only the sheet between us.  I don’t remember what he said but know he was talking in a low voice and trying to get me turned on, as he pulled the sheet down.  I actually fought back, pushing him off, telling him no, and even biting his shoulder, yelling at him to stop.  I guess no one heard me.  He ignored my protests and just kept going. 

I couldn’t stop him.  He pried my legs apart and slid inside me easily, due to my being soaking wet already, from just having finished a round of sex with someone else.  He had a decent sized cock and no matter how much I had tried to stop him I couldn’t stop how good he was starting to make me feel.  IT FELT REALLY FREAKING GOOD.  He was whispering in my ear and despite my reluctance I couldn’t stop myself from moaning in pleasure. 

When he was done he got up and left.  I was upset enough that I cried and I asked around to try and figure out who he was.  The guys who were there gave some guesses so I THINK I know and it’s someone I saw fairly frequently at school but never actually talked to.  Still, I will never be 100% sure.

Did I feel violated?  Yes, but I was also extremely turned on and it’s something that still gets me excited to think about today.  Actually it was similar to my experience with another guy, one I’ve mentioned before as someone who I eventually got into a fuck buddy style relationship with, even though we basically hated each other. 

The second guy was the one who first got me involved in some gangbangs.  I blame him because I willingly slept with the first person, but not with this one.  He came up behind, unexpected and got on top of me before I had a chance to get up.  I fought with and attempted to push him off multiple times, but he wouldn’t let me or allow me to get to my clothes.  He’d just start talking to me, whispering in my ear as he inched a little closer, with the tip inside me, a little bit at a time, until he was all the way in and fucking me, where I couldn’t make him stop. 

I don’t doubt in the least that they had planned it that way, because he was good.  Not just good at working his way in but good at sex in general and soon had me feeling better than I wanted to and super turned on, even though I didn’t want to be, or want to be in that situation.  By the time the next guys came along in line I didn’t even try to fight with them.  I knew it was fruitless and wasn’t going to work, he’d made me feel helpless.  So I lay there and let them have their way with me.

There were many times after that he and I continued to have sex and he was always very aggressive in the sense that he just “took” what he wanted.  We could barely stand one another during the day but at night he was fucking the daylights out of me.  We’d get in arguments that ended up in the bedroom, with him taking out his aggression and it was just hot, hot, hot!!

Admittedly, nowadays, I get turned on by that shit.  A guy who can make me feel completely at his mercy can REALLY get me going.  I can’t really say whether that is due to previous experiences or just the way I am but I love it!!

The Married Man, who is my favorite sex of all time, does just that.  Makes me feel like he is in complete control and there is nothing I can do.  He was the first guy that brought me to multiple orgasms and it was because I didn’t have any choice.  He had me in all these positions and was doing all this stuff to me that felt sooo good and I couldn’t make him stop.  I lost all control because he took it.  He even pinned me down when he was licking me and wouldn’t let me up, and what do you know I just kept cumming and cumming and cumming.

  At one point he had me pinned up against the headboard of the bed, fucking me in a pretzel style that had me screaming because I couldn’t handle it anymore.  He finally realized I was serious and gave me a little break, lol.  I thought I was going to have a heart attack I was orgasming so much.  I mean it.

He also knew exactly what to do with his dick.  As does the Professor.  Stuff and positions that drive me crazy.  He, the Prof and the guy I mentioned above are my top three of all time. 

Another thing they all had in common was that they wanted to be called “Daddy” in bed.  Something about that just puts me through the roof and part of it is probably that I would never just say that to anyone.  It’s another form of taking control.  Something about the vulnerability of “going there” with a guy is like the ultimate turn on to me.

Mr. Firm, well, judging from the explosive first time sex we had, he may get there someday as well.  The way he stared into my eyes, the things he said to me, the forceful way he grabbed my body and did what he wanted, all those are indicators to me of a man that can rock my world.  I have a big thing for experiencing all that masculine power between the sheets.

Even the Producer, the last time we had sex was hotter than usual and I think it was because I was still half dressed.  I was wearing heels and he had me bent over the bed and I kept sliding in them across the carpet so couldn’t fully stand up.  He just ignored it and pounded away.  Then he had me lying on my back with my legs up and the fact that I was still wearing them added to that helpless feeling.  I dunno why I love that so much but I do.

So for me the top turn ons are a really dominant guy who also can sweet talk me.  If he’s saying sexy things to me (but not mean, like calling me a whore or something) and at the same time fucking me forcefully I just lose it.  Completely.  Something about that sweet, sexy, voice and also knowing what to do with his cock puts me over the edge.  If he can go down on me and do it in a dominant way then he is like top of the list too (Mr. Firm was good at that…as is the Married Man…mmmmm….).

Some people get upset by rape-ish fantasies and it seems all the more difficult these days to find men that can indulge them without misunderstanding. (By that I mean understanding that I don’t like any real pain and still want to feel a connection.) Still, when they can….whew!  Not to say the Prof did that, because he didn’t, but he was still dominant and still really took control. 

Man, I’m getting all excited and I’m stuck here because my vehicle is in the shop.  The Producer is halfway across the US today at a party and no one else is nearby or available.  Dangit… 

There’s that guy that gave me the flowers and he keeps trying to hit me up but I know he would suck in bed, lol.  He was trying to convince me with lines like “I’ll make it really fast, just come by here for a couple minutes”.  Gee, that’s hot…NOT!!

I did a funny little experiment the other day, after this guy on my Facebook posted that if you want to know if a guy is really into you, ask him your eye color.  So I thought I’d play a little game and see if any of them got it right.  Wanna know who did?  My Fuck Buddy!!  Hahaha  

I told him what the guy had posted and he was like “that guy is an idiot”.  Lmao…yeah, I didn’t figure he was all that “into me” anyhow.  My eyes are olive green…see the pic?


  Yet most of them said “hazel”. 

The Married Man guessed light brown or light green.  Mr. Firm said “hazel or multicolored” and I told him he gets a pass, since we just met, lol. The Pilot ignored me (though we’ve talked a tiny bit, I wished him a Happy Birthday via text and he chatted just a little but I think he’s still mad) and the Producer tried to argue with me that olive green and hazel are “the same”.  He was googling pics and trying to convince me that he is actually “into me” lmao!!  My FWB, who I haven’t seen in ages, said hazel but then was like “I could identify your eyes among 100 pairs”.  Yeah, yeah….  I didn’t ask the guy I had the affair with because he knows beyond a shadow of a doubt.  He always talks about my “green eyes”. 

I avoided asking the young guy or the one who gave me flowers or any of the ones I think are into me but where I don’t return the sentiment.  I’m still not talking to the Prof.  He looked at my swinger pics once again but I’m too upset with the Facebook shenanigans to have anything to do with him at this point.  Ugh. 

Anyhow, will see the Producer in a couple of days so not like I’m going sexless any time soon.  😉  He is having to find a new place for when he is in town and may get one closer to me.  Not sure what that is all about but it’s interesting anyway.  Hope you all have a wonderful weekend!!


P.S.  I do exactly what is in the picture sometimes, ha!!  Trying to keep from guys going in too deep!! 

20 thoughts on ““Good in bed” and what it means to me…

  1. i think most women have rape fantasies but will they admit it…nope not the social norm, the thing is they want to be attracted to the guy i think…

    • Yeah…I think we probably do too, but we want it to occur under our control, the way we want it to happen and not “truly” out of our control like a real rape. So we have to be attracted to the guy and it has to play out the way we want it to in our fantasy world. 😉 Usually guys aren’t going to be catering to that if they are actually raping you. Plus some people are into the brutality type rape scenarios and I totally am not. The guy I think raped me, he is good looking and probably someone I would have been attracted enough to sleep with had I not had a boyfriend that I didn’t want to cheat on/and could actually see him in the dark, lol. But it’s definitely more than just looks.

  2. some couples play rape game with a code word ,but to me that beat the purpose..rape about control..alot of serial rapist receive tons of love letters from women which i think batshit crazy…its like alot women secretly want a man thats a affectionate rapist that dont leave marks or beat her up but willing force/strong arm himself inside her .. its very dangerous ground which a girl can land you in jail asap(buyers regret)..

    • Yes, I’d say there is some truth to that but it’s really too dangerous a game to play without consent. Im like you say though, turned off by having code words and all that. I don’t think I REALLY want to be raped though. More like I just want the guy(s) I am into to manhandle me. 😉

  3. Hmmm, interesting stuff! And it made my dick just a little hard, so I guess I’m as bad as you? I have zero interest in actual rape of any woman, but sometimes I get angry/selfish because my wife is making me wait for so long for sex that I sometimes kinda just cant take it any longer and I ‘have my way’ with her ie give her very little choice. And yet that’s when she seems to kinda respond… maybe I just need to be more ‘forceful’ with her?
    But then again, sometimes when I try that shit it backfires on me (as per my blog post you linked to). So once again we’re back to: women – who knows what they’re thinking?!

    • I don’t think that makes you bad. That is interesting that she seem to like it more when you are forceful, and not that surprising. Though you always have to be careful due to that fine line between enjoying something forceful and really not liking it. That does make it kind of hard for men!!

  4. Hmm. Not sure my more “forceful sex” type of fantasies could be considered a true rape fantasy? I don’t know. If I fantasize about being taken forcefully, or without me being ready, it is always about the same person (my former MM) and I am always willing, but maybe I’m mad at him, or maybe he just won’t stop. But I haven’t had any fantasies about being “taken” in a way in which I said no, stop, or imagine myself being hurt, etc…or with a stranger. I have had fantasies about “strangers” coming in to do work on the house or something, and I have sex with them…LOL! But it’s always weird, b/c they don’t really have a face or identity! But I mostly fantasize about my former MM, and the ways that we used to be together, or the ways that I wanted to be with him, but being more shy in bed, never really did. I have fantasized about being with another woman before, but those seem to be the types of fantasies where it is simply because it is “foreign” to me, and supposedly “taboo” (although I have nothing against same sex relationships, just have never had one, and growing up when I did, it was still not as accepted.) And the women fantasies were always geared more towards me just ending up thinking of something “bad” so that I could finish faster…LOL! I guess I’m not all that creative in the fantasy world!

    As for the good factor, with men and ME? I agree with you, in loving when a man talks to me in a certain way, during sex. My MM was the first guy who ever really got to me there, and since I met him YEARS ago, it always seemed to be the standard that I held others too. He didn’t say anything degrading, ever….or use highly explicit words, but what he did say, about me, my body, how it felt, and the tone he used….just drove me crazy. I, on the other hand, haven’t been able to break out of my comfort zone, and find it really hard to say much at all, even though my mind is FILLED with things I WANT to say. I always hated that about myself, with MM, but felt I had to protect myself in SOME way, by not giving him EVERY SINGLE THING I HAD, b/c I KNEW that one day, it would have to end, and I just didn’t want to be even more intimately connected with him, than I already was. Sigh. Not sure if it helped much, but part of me feels like at least if I ever find someone else that gets me like that, I have SOMETHING to give, that I haven’t before. Don’t know.

    And I like a guy who is confident about his body, regardless of if he is carrying some extra weight in the middle (my MM used to ebb and flow and I always kind of preferred him, when he was a little heavier, b/c I liked the feel of the weight on top of me!) He always just walked around naked, which I was not used to, and it made me laugh, but I loved his confidence. And when he wanted it, he would start it, he would initiate all the positions, etc….and I always loved every one….so maybe I was boring…but he never complained, and we NEVER got sick of each other, so I guess I had something that he liked/loved! But I just liked that he could talk to me, that nothing was “gross” or that normal things that happen during sex, weren’t some kind of turn off to him.

    Obviously much of my fear, concern and holding back, has come from the emotional and verbal abuse that happened in my marriage, b/c looking back, I can see clearly now, that we had a VERY routine sex life, even though I always finished, and thought it was “great” in my younger years. I probably thought that, b/c of the safety and security I was feeling, at finding someone, being engaged, etc….but in retrospect, we never had any REAL intimacy or did anything that “evolved” or went outside of any box, that he was living in! As soon as we got married, he started criticizing my body SO much, that of course, I started putting up walls and didn’t feel like being that “exposed” if I was that hard to look at. (and when I got married, I was a whopping 125 lbs., at 5’6″, so really….I should have just said..”fuck off” and left then. But….I didn’t. Live and learn, I suppose! I just think that feeling that way about myself, was fostered by the marriage and that when I reconnected with MM again, 4 years ago, that I remembered what I LOVED about him the first time and that I loved myself too!

    Hopefully one day, I will be single…and in time, will find someone who is fully available to me (not sure I ever want to be married again) but I DO want a partner who is committed to me, and with whom I can finally be myself with, open up with, and feel beautiful with. I think that as much as I could have sex with whoever, and as much as I DO miss the activity itself, along with what makes someone “good” FOR ME, is knowing that he CARES about me, and that I can TRUST him. I have to have some kind of foundation and feelings for the person…..if I am going to be able to really let go. Otherwise, to be totally honest, while it is not emotionally fulfilling, it is really much easier, to just take care of myself. LOL!

    (PS…It’s odd, isn’t it, how past trauma affects each person differently? I mean, you have had much more trauma in YOUR life, than I have had, and yet you don’t seem to have any of the kind of “hang ups” I do, about my body, self, sexuality, etc. I really think that for me, it is because I didn’t grow up in turmoil and so I wasn’t used to it. I went from unconditional love of two parents, to a really CONDITIONAL environment, and so I didn’t KNOW how to cope and just shut down instead. You, on the other hand, having experienced what you did as a child, probably HAD to find ways to cope, and I don’t just mean sexually, I mean….in general, just to survive. And so maybe you just cope better in life overall? I seriously sometimes envy my friends who came from more dysfunctional families than I did, b/c they aren’t as easily overwhelmed, disappointed or upset by things as I can be. I think that they have coping styles in place, that they learned early on, whereas I was 28, when I got married and the abuse started. While I had my own trials in life, dealing with abusive behavior by someone I LOVED, was not one of them. That can really mess you up, and for me, it also lead to attempting to numb myself through alcohol/drugs/exercise/food…..always SOMETHING, to keep from feeling, b/c I did not know how to process it. Anyway….sorry for the analysis. Just find it fascinating that my history in my marriage, has affected my own ability to express myself sexually, and yet yours, which was filled with trauma, hasn’t affected that part of you? Or maybe it has? What do you think? Do you think it’s why you are seeking and enjoying the lifestyle you do now? And you KNOW I am not judging, or saying anything with disrespect! I just think it is really interesting, especially since I feel our marriages mirrored each other in certain ways as well. Maybe when I’m divorced, I’ll blossom, the way you have? LOL! )

  5. I’ve heard the theory that women sometimes fantasize about forced situations because it takes the responsibility off of us for our sexual desires, the fear of judgment, etc. that women have to deal with in this society. I think maybe sometimes that is the case, though sometimes it just seems hot to have some guy overpower you. I’ve thought about stuff like that when angry too.

    When I was curious about sex with other women I even had some forced type fantasies there. Not so much now though that I have experienced it. I don’t think that is something I would really enjoy and it was probably one of those ways of redirecting the responsibility for the fantasy elsewhere. The forced part is more hot when it is from a guy (to me).

    I don’t want to be harmed either so some might not consider my thoughts to be real “rape” fantasies either. I’ve seen some people talk about things like knife play or guns in their blogs and those are total turn offs to me too. I guess we all have our own comfort levels and that is why one can never assume that rape fantasy=actually wanting to be “raped” in the way someone else envisions it.

    Sex talk drives me nuts. I’d still rather he be the one talking than me, lol, but I do respond with what I can. I’ve probably gotten better at that over the years.

    Actually, I said something to Mr. Firm yesterday over text about the way he talked to me in bed and loving it and his response was “yes, I wanted you to know while I was there I was in control and it was my pussy and I was going to make you feel good”. Um…yeah, PERFECT response!! 😉 I love when guys get like that. He’s smart in that he specified that it was “while he was there” so I don’t think he’s a needy, territorial, one either. LOL

    Body confidence is important in a guy and I think it’s important in the reverse too. Actually, I had a LOT of hangups about my body after getting divorced and the issues with my ex. The guy I had the affair with helped a lot there though because he really made sure I knew how much he loved my body. The more guys I’ve been with the more I realize that most of them seem to like it, despite my own misgivings. I was pretty sure having kids destroyed everything so have been surprised to see that men don’t seem to see it that way. Granted I don’t sleep with a lot of white guys and overall they seem more critical and mean about women’s imperfections.

    I’ve LEARNED to be a lot more confident, or at least come across that way in bed and I think that affects men’s perceptions of you as well. It’s not necessarily how I feel deep down but I can fake it until I make it. My experience has been that most men are less critical than I am, just like we are of them. Like you say how you like a little pudge on your MM. He’s probably worried about it somewhere but not saying anything out loud.

    What you are saying about trauma IS interesting. I’d never thought about it that way but yes, having had a lot from an early age I probably did develop coping mechanisms that helped me get through the things I have dealt with as an adult. Maybe they aren’t entirely healthy but they help me to get through life and be stronger. What doesn’t kill you does make you stronger, there is some truth to that!

    I think it did affect me, for a long time, but I pushed past that and decided to take things into my own hands and NOT let my ex’s behavior “ruin” me. I set out to prove to myself that I was still desirable to other men and have found that in fact I AM. So THERE, ex husband, lol. Part of that may be my promiscuous style life right now and some of it is just that I am enjoying it now that I am here.

    The idea of being trapped in a marriage sounds awful to me these days, like being sent back to the prison I escaped from. The only time I really think about it is when I have fallen deeply for someone (which I did for the Professor, but I “knew” any thoughts like that were unrealistic, thankfully, with the way things turned out). OR when my kids ask about getting a stepdad. THEY would love for me to get married and it kind of breaks my heart. Not that anyone is trying to ask me to marry them or settle down anyway, at this point.

  6. I’m a bisexual man and even I have had a rape fantasy or two, its never happened and am not sure if it ever will, but for the most part, I say, as long as you enjoy it, your not truly getting hurt, go for it!!! A woman with total confidence is the biggest turn on there is and you seem like a woman who knows how to be confidently sexy!!! THank as always for sharing my dear!!!

  7. I feel, that at the end of the day, as long as you can look yourself in the mirror and be happy, all is well!!! Just from reading your blogs I can tell you project confidence like a pro….Kuddos to you for that!!!

  8. After reading this all I can say is wow … your life can be turned into an HBO series. Thank you for sharing so much of yourself in this post. Soldierboy143 has a point about being able to look at yourself in the mirror and if you can be happy, then ALL IS really well.

  9. Pingback: How to get your guy to fulfil your rape fantasy… | Her Secret Library

  10. “If he can go down on me and do it in a dominant way then he is like top of the list too”. – can you describe what going down on a dominant way means and how to do it? Great post btw! Keep em’ coming!

    • Taking control of the interaction, pinning me down, not doing it in a supplicating way, if that makes sense? I want it to be his idea and not because I have demanded it. And thank you!! 😀

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