Uh-oh

fighting

Tonight the Pilot and I opened a new couples profile together on the swinger site.  We added some pics of ourselves fucking as well as photos taken from each of our individual profiles.  He wrote it up really well and we look and sound awesome, if I do say so myself. 😉

As soon as he put it out publicly we were inundated with views and winks and emails as well as people sending us their private photo galleries.  It’s only been up a couple of hours and there have been something like 400 or more visitors already.  One of our first visitors was apparently, the Professor. :/

I felt awful.  He texted me almost as soon as the photos were posted.  He must have seen the ones of me and tried to click on it on the main page where they feature new photos.  Only, he couldn’t access our actual profile because the Pilot blocked single males from looking at us. 

His text said “I see you block single males from your profile now so I guess you found someone who will treat you well and appreciate you.  Good luck”.    I’d been hoping with him being blocked he wouldn’t have even been able to see the photos.  Unfortunately that wasn’t the case. 😦  No idea if he had to see the ones of us fucking or even recognized that it was us but for his sake I hope not.

It was especially bad because he’d been texting me yesterday, obviously trying to reconnect.  I do still care about him too, a lot, and don’t want to hurt him.  He clearly took us blocking single males as a personal affront but it wasn’t that at all.

The Pilot wanted to do so because he didn’t want to deal with emails from single men.  No reason that he should need to.  If I come up there to visit him and we are playing with someone we meet with our couples profile it wouldn’t be fair for it to be a guy.  Then the Pilot wouldn’t get to fuck anyone and I would.  A single female at least we could both play but he isn’t into guys. 

We kept our single profiles and it was decided to avoid drama we will only hook up with people TOGETHER with our couples profile and if we want to do something separately we need to do it with our own profiles.  Makes perfect sense to me. 

However the Prof was clearly hurt and it put a damper on my excitement.   We texted back and forth and I was here trying to comfort him in between happy texts from the Pilot telling me thanks for being such a cool girl.  We are also planning to go to another party and were getting all the details taken care of for that.  Then he was off to hang out with some swinger friends (and possibly have sex). 

I still feel totally relaxed about the Pilot and what he does without me.  It doesn’t bother me a bit at this point.  He’s just got a really good attitude about it all.  It was his idea to not have any outside hookups without each other from our couple’s profile.  I love the way he sets boundaries like that.  It makes me feel so much better about everything and like I don’t have to worry.

So, back to the Prof.  He was clearly jealous and upset.  I told him I wasn’t blocking single males from my regular profile just for this one and it’s only for occasional play with a friend.  He was like “oh, well ok.  Glad you found a friend that appreciates you”.  I must have told him at some point before that he didn’t appreciate me.  Sigh.

I told him to stop it.  That he’d pretty much broken my heart and that I wasn’t trying to hurt him and that the single male blocking wasn’t personal.  I said I didn’t think he’d even see it, which was true.  We put it in a zip code closer to the Pilot and I just wasn’t expecting the Prof to notice it right away like that.  Our profile photo doesn’t show our faces.

He said our breakup was hard for him too and that he cares for  me and it isn’t easy but I have the right to do whatever I like.  I spent some time explaining that it was just for fun and I’m not tied down to this guy or anything.  He commented “well, he must not want you guys to play with single guys when you’re a couple because he did block them”.  He was really stuck on the blocking thing.  Maybe because it makes him feel shut out and he can’t even look but I really don’t think he wants to see a bunch of pics of me fucking the Pilot anyhow.  I didn’t tell him that though.

I tried to explain our reasoning and he said I didn’t have to but there was still a hurt and jealous tone to his texts.  He kept saying “well, I hope you’re having fun”.  He made a comment that I acted like he was supposed to know this guy or something the way I talked and I said no, not that I know of.  I didn’t tell him this but I’ve barely even mentioned to the Pilot that I had a relationship before him.  I commented that I had been seeing someone about 9 months and going to parties with him occasionally but that’s all he knows.  He hasn’t pressed any further so I kept quiet about it.

It’s possible that they’ve met.  The Pilot apparently also knows (and probably slept with) the married woman that the Prof sees but I wasn’t going to get into a discussion about that.  I didn’t want to get into too much detail with either of them about that kind of stuff.

I finally told the Prof, hey, you didn’t want me anyway, you said you didn’t want any kind of relationship with me.  You said the other woman in your life was more valuable to you and that I wasn’t  worth the trouble.  Then when I tried to see how you were doing you acted uninterested in talking to me.  You seemed happy with all the people you were sleeping with and like I hadn’t really meant anything.

His excuse was that he was really busy with the end of the school year and then getting started in his new job.  He said he can’t believe I don’t think he cares and that he misses talking to me.  I told him I cried for months and you didn’t seem to care then and he said it was because he knew it would be harder.  

I finally said “well, it’s not like anyone was making you not talk to me or be around me.  That was what you wanted”.  He said it was because there was stuff in his life that he needed to get figured out.  I have no clue what he is referring to there.

We left it at that before he went to bed and I’m up here typing.  Part of me is thinking hey, why not just have my cake and eat it too?  Can I somehow incorporate the Prof back into my life without ruining things with the Pilot?  I really do have feelings for him.  Things right now with the Pilot are so awesome though, that I am also afraid to risk it. 

It SHOULDN’T be a risk but I am not so sure that it wouldn’t be.  The Prof knows a lot of people and likes to talk and could very easily get word out about things between he and I in a way that might piss off the Pilot.  I can see him trying to sabotage things with us.  Maybe he wouldn’t and maybe I am being unfair and should give him the benefit of the doubt, but then again, maybe not. 

I also do wonder about whether the Pilot is going to exhibit any jealousy in the future.  It’s too early to tell and if he doesn’t he’d be a rare male indeed.  He’s admitted that he is afraid it is something he could struggle with if he likes someone too much.  Right now he doesn’t ask me about guys but he has said we are free to do what we want with our individual profiles so I know he has to know that is a possibility.  I have no intention of rubbing it in his face or giving him details though unless he asks.

I wonder if it’s possible though, for me to have it all?  Like can I just have all my fun with the Pilot and relegate the Prof to the fuck buddy status he claimed to want or is that just a recipe for hurt and disaster at this point? 

Oh, and the Producer has been more silent lately.  Maybe I upset him when I told him I might be going out of town this weekend.  He knew it was to see another guy and he wanted to come here.  Also, he’s just been through an ordeal because he accidentally tried to board an airplane while carrying a loaded gun in his bag.  EEEk!  As you can imagine the TSA did not take kindly to this, especially coming from a big black man.  I guess it really was an accident and he has a conceal and carry license and a clean record so they let him off but he faces the possibility of like a 25,000 fine and has to be investigated by the Feds.  He said it was really embarrassing. 

Anyway, decisions, decisions……

11 thoughts on “Uh-oh

  1. You’re heading down the slippery slope with the Prof, and if you’re not careful you will get burned! He’s still telling you stories, and trying to manipulate you, and that’s it. If he loved you and really cared for you, he’d be direct and up front about it. Instead he’s playing passive aggressive games. If that is what you want, then by all means proceed, but do so knowing that nothing has really changed other than that you aren’t sleeping with him.

    • Hmm. That is quite an interesting turn of events. I have a few thoughts about it.

      First, it seems as if he is the type (as you said earlier) that wants what he can’t have. In the sense that while he was WITH you, it wasn’t enough. But when you guys ended things and you didn’t come back begging and crying, it likely shocked him. My MM has a way of telling me EVERYTHING I ever want to hear, when we are not seeing each other. It’s like, without me, he NEEDS me, but once I give in and see him again and resume contact, he doesn’t meet my emotional needs as well. It’s messed up.

      Second, as far as resuming anything with him….I can see both sides of why and why not. It seems like you guys had the most trouble, with being a swinger COUPLE, and then with playing separately while trying to remain open. But, if you put him in the same category as your FB, and simply slept with him every so often, maybe some of that would not happen? It wouldn’t even have to be a relationship in which “open and honest” was incorporated, you know?

      But, based on you saying you had that emotional connection with him DURING sex (which is what I have with MM) then, I could see you accidentally falling in love, fast and hard, all over again. And, if he is anything like my MM or anything like he was prior, I would guess that he would end up not meeting your emotional needs in some way, all over again.

      The only sabotage would come in, probably when YOU found yourself not wanting other men, even the Pilot. That is the risk. I mean, otherwise, you could be the swinger couple with the Pilot, and simply have two FB’s. But those damn feelings….they seem to get in the way.

      I truly believe that his excuses are just BS excuses….BUT, I DO think that he didn’t realize how good he had it and that he does miss you. I think that he realizes how good the sex was, how great the connection was, and that he had a chick who was basically “his” but letting him do his thing….and he fucked it up. I think when he went out to try to “do his thing” it wasn’t as good, as when he was with you, and so he wants you back in his life. In what capacity? I don’t know. But I do think he has feelings for you and misses you, in both genuine ways and ALSO in that “want what you can’t have” way. Sigh.

      And here’s the thing. When I give in to MM, and resume seeing him, and then he lets me down….I get upset. I turn everything around into feeling used. While he is just happier with me in his life, thus his life IS happier, all the way around. In a weird way, when I refuse to see him in that way, I KNOW he misses me, obsesses about me and wants me all the time. And so in those times, I am the one with the power and it allows me to feel better about not being able to be with him, knowing he is missing me, while I am fine. Sigh. But see the catch? In order to do that, I don’t get to see him or be with him. Lose/Lose! And if I give in, because I always want to, it is amazing, and I tell myself I can handle it, but then, I end up starting fights and having issues all the time, b/c he can’t give me enough. Lose/Lose.

      I guess you will never know unless you try. If you want to be with him, coming from me, I would say just do it. I know that pull and that draw, at least in regard to parts of your situation. But, maybe you can have an exit strategy laid out in advance, incase you feel yourself pulling away from the Pilot and other men? I don’t know. It is risky, but you’ll always wonder, probably…..unless you try and then KNOW.

      It is a tough call, but I am not quite sure, that you can NOT not see him again, just based on everything you have said about him. Although, I don’t ever have anyone on the side to keep me occupied so I am ALWAYS pining for MM, even if I don’t act on it. Whatever you do, keep us posted! And…Good Luck! 🙂

      • Yes, the Prof seems to be one of those guys that always wants the elusive, out of reach woman. I mean he seemed more into the married woman than me and she wasn’t nearly as available so it makes you think. Once I really became out of his reach he wanted me back.

        Men seem to have this thing, where they dump women for whatever reason, and assume that we will just sit around and wait for them the rest of our lives and not move on. It’s like it surprises them that another man eventually moves in on the territory, but come on! What did you expect?

        See, I’m thinking kind of like you are, that if I were to resume something with him it could just be casual. No parties together, no sharing what we are doing with others and when, less drama, everything he CLAIMED to want. From the way he is acting right now though I’m having my doubts he would be able to handle it, especially coming 2nd to the Pilot, because now the Pilot and I have a couple’s profile and I think the Prof sees it that way. The Pilot and I aren’t really near as emotionally involved and invested in each other as he probably assumes from that alone. Now he knows though, that being put in an involuntary “secondary” position doesn’t feel good.

        Yeah, the emotions, right now I can handle, but we aren’t having sex with one another and that does tend to change things up. I think he would be trying extra hard to get me away from the Pilot too so the sex would probably be spectacular! But if he succeeded then I’d be boring again and he wouldn’t want me as much.

        I suspect he thought life would be much better without me because he could fuck whoever but maybe his luck hasn’t been as great as he hoped, as far as finding fabulous sex, and also he probably didn’t realize he’d miss the one on one that he is less likely to get from these married women he is fucking. The one, yes they see each other alone, sometimes, but maybe she is getting clingy now and he’s restless again. It’s funny how people work like that.

        It’s like so many times relationships are just this delicate balance of power and someone is always the one holding the most. There is always one person who needs more out of the other at the time but its constantly switching up. The person who has the power risks getting bored and the one who doesn’t risks getting hurt, until everything flips upside down again.

        I know it will be really hard to say no if he keeps trying to get with me. Like I keep saying, I still do have some feelings for him and OMG the sex was fantastic! I guess we will see if I buckle, lol……

    • @ Deepexplorations: Do you think they are games? I think he probably does miss me and he HAS been trying to talk to me the last couple of days and brought by some gifts for my kids. I am leery of his excuses though for not talking to me before. What kind of stuff that you are figuring out in your life necessitates breaking up with someone you only spend time with once a week or so anyway? I mean we texted and talked daily but it wasn’t like I was taking up vast amounts of his time. He has been fairly direct in saying that he misses talking to me, but he hasn’t been like “I’m sorry I hurt you” either.

  2. I agree with Deep and say to you that if the Prof is upset, too fucking bad; now he knows how you felt about that woman. He had a chance to salvage things with you before the shit hit the fan – and he didn’t do it. I know you’re still feeling some kind of way about him… but you don’t need to get sucked back into his bullshit so, please, don’t.

    Despite what some of us say, there are guys who think sharing a woman is an easy thing to do – right up until they find out that it’s not that easy and their territorial nature comes to the front. So if you think that the Pilot might get upset if you decided to start seeing the Prof again, ya might not want to do that – don’t risk that good thing.

    • Yes, its true. He is getting a taste of his own medicine. He couldn’t understand why I felt unsafe about his relationship with her but he doesn’t like the idea of me being a “couple” with another guy either. Part of me is just thinking, hey you had all the chance in the world to be a “couple’ with me and chose not to, so why do you care?? The other part though, still cares enough about him that I can’t stand to see him hurt.

      I think at this point that I am enough over the Prof that I might not be as inclined to get as emotionally attached. It’s hard to say though because the sex was REALLY good and that does have an effect on me.

      My biggest fear though is not getting caught up with him again, since I am smarter this time around, but messing up what I’ve got started with the Pilot. I just have a gut feeling that it wouldn’t go over well if he thought I was “involved” with someone. I’m not entirely convinced that he will like sharing me with another man at all or knowing I am fucking people. We’ve still got to see how he reacts to couple swapping, lol.

      • All I can say about the Pilot is that he reacts well – maybe he will but don’t be surprised if he doesn’t. You know I’m gonna tell you to handle your business the best way you can and according to what’s in YOUR best interests… but I’m also gonna tell you “to your face” not to fuck up what you have going with the Pilot because the Prof is still kinda hiding out in your heart.

  3. I’m with Deep and KDaddy. Don’t get dragged back in with the Prof. You won’t be able to keep things casual and keep your feelings out of it (hell, you can’t even do it now while you’re not seeing him!), and he doesn’t seem like he’s gonna commit in any way. So you’re setting yourself up for a disaster. Don’t do it. Enjoy the Pilot and your other adventures.

    • You may be right. I think I can keep my feelings from taking over but it might not be as easy as I like to imagine. Maybe if I wait a little longer until things are better established with the Pilot I will be more inclined to be able to handle it but by then the Prof may have moved on himself.

  4. Your heart seem to belong to profess, but you keep the others as substitute, , its like the profess is insecure and losing his power over you, me understanding the game duke messing up, also if he stalk your swinger site he even might read this blog, which is very entertaining. Lg you one of the most sexual liberated person i ever seen, why couldnt black women be like this??, you know society would call you a full fledged whore ha

    • Yes, he still has my heart. There hasn’t been enough time yet for me to fall in love with someone else. I like the Pilot a lot but it’s not “there” yet at this point.

      If he read this blog he would have known more about the Pilot beforehand so I’m thinking probably not, lol. He knows I have one though so who knows?

      I’m glad you find my blog entertaining, haha. Don’t underestimate black women either, I know a few that could put me to shame in that regard!! I think they often have to deal with more of a stigma for messing around, primarily from black men who often seem to have an even bigger double standard than white guys in their heads.

      I can go on my Facebook page, on pretty much any given day, and see statuses from the guys I grew up with (mostly black) reminding all of us females not to be sluts and whores, lol. MEANWHILE, these are the exact same men I know for a fact fuck around all the time themselves. Messed up.

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