So the Prof texted me again last night. He said he hoped my kids enjoyed the gifts and that he still misses talking to me, then a sad face, and goodnight. I didn’t know how to respond or what to say. Of course I miss him too. I hurt for the past couple months over all this.
Part of me just wants to forgive and forget and be with him again. Yet that seems like it would be foolish because he’s already hurt me. Why wouldn’t he do it again? Has anything changed?
I’m sure he’s still talking to that married woman, the one he said he values more than me. He’s obviously been with a few different women off the swinger site. He has been looking at my profile again today so I looked back and he’s gotten a handful of validations from women in the past couple months that sound like he probably slept with them.
So why now? Several weeks ago, when we texted back and forth, he really didn’t appear interested. Is he going through a dry spell and reminiscing or what?
Men do this every time though. EVERY. SINGLE. FUCKING. TIME. If they “break up” with you in some form or another they always come back. Like one man said “like swallows to Capistrano, men always return”. I love that saying because it’s sooo true. Without fail. So predictable.
I still have some feelings for him, yeah, but I don’t know if I want him to see that. I don’t know that I want to make myself vulnerable to him ever again. I finally texted back about an hour later with a face like this “ “. That was the last of our conversation, then him looking at my profile.
Maybe he’s coming to some realizations. Maybe he’s remembering that I pretty much always treated him well or that the sex was better than what he’s getting now. Maybe he’s seeing that I was worth more, and have more value, than he gave me credit for. Maybe now though, it’s too late.
See, because now, I have got new people in MY life. The Pilot has just been really cool and a lot of fun. Plus he puts ME first as far as I can tell, and not some lame old married lady. Yes, he goes and and fucks around and does whatever, but I haven’t felt threatened by it. He knows that exact same married woman too because she has validated him on the site, (since the Prof and I were together, so fairly recently and AFTER she met the Prof), but no indication of him being attached to her in any way.
I have to ask myself why I felt bad with the Prof and not so much with the Pilot. Like tonight he is off at some campout orgy, lol, and I’m stuck at home, yet I don’t feel the least bit worried or insecure. Besides him being fairly new in my life, and not yet having a major emotional attachment, I think there are some other factors.
One, he is clearly interested in me and pays sufficient attention to me when we are together. Like at the party he was all about me first and the other people he messed with were definitely secondary. He never made me feel like he was using me to get at “new pussy” or like it mattered all that much to him whether or not he ended up with anyone but me at the end of the night. He seemed plenty happy to return to the hotel room just the two of us, and that made me feel good.
There were times with the Prof where I felt like he thought it was a letdown if we didn’t end up fucking some other couple or that he was disappointed in me for not wanting to sleep with some ugly guy so that he could get at the wife. Not that he ever actually pushed me to do so, or would, but I just got that vibe, especially at the second party we went to, which I didn’t write about.
I can’t help but think that he fed into my insecurities somehow or they wouldn’t have been there. It’s all about that intuition. I didn’t feel secure enough in his desire for ME to not fear being abandoned. He was unwilling to offer what seems to me to be BASIC reassurance if we are going to play this way, something the Pilot was willing to give on the first try, without being asked and without assuming it meant some sort of “relationship”. HE was the one saying hey, let’s discuss how we are going to handle this, ahead of time, and wanting to set boundaries that made me feel safe.
With the Pilot I don’t feel like he is covering anything up, lying, or acting suspicious. He seems plenty happy to tell me what’s up or what he is about to do with no shame or attitude that assumes it is going to bother me. I think that was a big thing with the Professor. He would approach sleeping with someone else as though he expected me to be upset and that would trigger feelings that maybe I should be. It’s a simple shift in attitude but I do feel like it makes a big difference.
I’m not saying the Pilot is perfect or anything because really I don’t know enough about him yet to see how he will react to certain things. Yet so far he seems to be handling playing together well, even though he’s admitted at some point he knows he might feel jealousy, if he were in a serious relationship or developed feelings. He hasn’t seen me play with a guy yet and doesn’t ask about or know about the men in my life so there is no telling how he will react to that.
As far as picking out couples he thinks we would like to play with though, he has done pretty well. He finds a couple where both the male and female are attractive and asks me what I think. So far he has good taste. To be fair, I think the Prof tried, but there are limited attractive couples in this area, lol. Still his focus was much more on the woman and the Pilot is being more reasonable about what he thinks I would be attracted to in a man. Guys like him, of course! 😉
Personality wise, the Pilot and I also seem to get along really well. We have a lot to talk about and his sense of adventure draws out my fun side. I like going out with him a lot and don’t feel inhibited the way I did when I was with the Prof. I can be withdrawn when I don’t feel comfortable but when I do I’m quite happy to be the life of the party.
So for a playing partner, the Pilot actually seems a better match for me. I don’t feel like I could go back to what I had with the Prof. It no longer seems good enough in that regard. Sex with him though, I can’t deny, was wonderful.
There is just something about the emotional hold the Prof had on me in the bedroom that I can’t even explain. It was hypnotic. I’ve never experienced anything like it, not even with the married man who technically was the best sex of my life.
In spite of that, there were ways in which the sex with the Prof was even better. It was more than just skill and more than just a sex trance. It required me to be very vulnerable though and at this point I don’t think I could go there. I’m too afraid. Too afraid to give him back that control, after the way things ended.
I don’t know. Maybe at some point I will be ready to sleep with him again. Perhaps at this point I wouldn’t want anything more and could handle being fuck buddies. Not sure that I want to give him that though. I feel like I need more of an apology from him or some kind of recognition that he hurt me and was wrong to do so. Sure he’s given me some gifts and said he misses me, but that doesn’t mean he is going to make any kind of change in the way he treats me. For now I’m not ready, but only time will tell.
P.S. I just had a policeman at my house because my 13 year old son was missing for half the day. His phone wasn’t working and it was 1 am and I was getting freaked out. He showed up right after the officer got here but I swear this guy was trying to hit on me, lol. He asked if I needed his number to call him later or for him to drive by my house at night and I’m like no my child is here we should be fine. He was also asking if there were any men here? So then he called me again just a little bit ago (at 2 am) and claimed he thought he left a pad of paper at my house. Yeah, no. He didn’t leave anything, haha. Seriously, a pad of paper? LMAO