Archive | July 2013

Talk about a messed up week…..

babymamaphoto

In my zeal to complete the Shine On Award I completely forgot to mention another disturbing thing that happened this past week.  This time it involves a different man, my ex-husband.  I’ll admit it totally threw me off guard and was more than a little emotionally upsetting.

I received a text, one night, at midnight, as I was sitting at my computer.  It was from my ex-husband’s number, asking “do you still think of me sometimes?”  What. The. Fuck.????!!   I was flabbergasted!  It didn’t sound at all like something he would say.

So I wasn’t sure what to think.  It crossed my mind that perhaps it wasn’t him writing the message, but his girlfriend.  She is super jealous and seems to think I’m still interested in him, which is preposterous, but I guess she has no way of knowing better.  She also seems to take the fact that I am single as a personal threat, as though that indicates I’m still pining over him.  If only she knew, but she doesn’t.

It wouldn’t be the first time she had messaged me using his phone, without saying who she actually was and causing confusion. She had also sent messages before from her own number, using underhanded little jabs regarding my singledom and supposed inability to get a man.  And this, this just didn’t make sense coming from my ex-husband.

So my immediate response was “is this a joke?”  The person on the other end said “No, why?”  I started to doubt my first impression, what if it really was him?  What if he was actually asking me this question?  Was he having any kind of regret over our failed marriage?  I was so confused.

I responded “I just can’t imagine why you would ask me that”.  The return text said “Idk either”.  Now I felt kind of bad.  What if I was hurting his feelings with my abruptness? 

In any case, who never thinks of someone they were married to for almost half their life?  Sure he crosses my mind, though it is usually with remembrances of the more hurtful things he said and did.  I try to block out the better times because it comes with the painful recognition of failure at something I wanted so badly to work out, for us and for our children.

I didn’t know what to say.  Who was I actually talking to?  How could I be honest without leading him on if he were actually having thoughts of reconciliation?  I finally responded “I mean, I was married to you for 13 years and we were together 15.  Of course you cross my mind but not in a wanting to get back together ever sort of way.”

I hoped that answer would be sufficient.  For him, for his girlfriend, whoever might be reading.  I didn’t get a response until late the next morning.  In the meantime I lay down to sleep in a jumble of confusing, conflicting and bewildering thoughts.  I remembered things like the Valentine’s day gift he brought me after the divorce and how shocked I’d been that the person who’d hardly ever thought of me during our marriage managed to do so after.  I had simply thanked him and left it at that, but it was fucking with me.

The next morning the text I got from him said that he wasn’t texting me the night before, that his girlfriend had too much to drink and he wasn’t sure what all she said to me.  I commented that yeah, it didn’t sound like something he would say.  Still now, I guess I’ll never know, was it really her being a manipulative bitch or was it him and he used that excuse to cover up what he’d actually been thinking?

In either case it really fucked with my head, being in the emotional state I’ve been in already.  Kind of emotionally cruel but I guess he was passive aggressively like that during the marriage too. 

His girlfriend, on the other hand, just has this obsession with thinking I want him back so most likely it WAS her but it’s ridiculous.  I mean, she really seems to see me as a threat and I’ve no interest in him whatsoever, despite having had children together and trying to make our marriage work for years and years.  It didn’t.  I’m done. 

She invited me once to a BBQ at her house, last summer.  Not knowing that I see men on my own I think she thought she’d try and hook me up with someone.  My kids were there, and my ex-husband, as well as her mother and grandmother and daughters and cousins. 

His girlfriend and all her family are black.  I and my ex- husband and kids are white. They invited one other white guy to the BBQ and he was REALLY trying hard to hook up with me, which I was avoiding at all costs.  She was super encouraging of trying to help him get to know me.   I suspect it was a set up. 

I had to leave early (to go on a date) and soon after the guy texted, even though I’d declined to give him my number.  He’d gotten it from her.  UGH!

There is no way in HELL I would date a friend of theirs, even if I’d been attracted to this guy.  I just have no interest in associating with them or letting them know my business.  Not to mention it was super awkward with my ex- husband there looking on as the guy followed me around.  That, and her general fakeness and introducing me as his “baby mama”.  Please.  I was MARRIED to the man for 13 years and we have children together, it was a hell of a lot more than that.

I don’t blame her for being jealous of me.  She weighs twice as much as I do and is physically less attractive.  That’s putting it nicely.  Most people were in shock when she and my ex started dating after the divorce.  He’s a very physically fit and good looking man. My first thoughts were this lady is really ghetto/ratchet.  Sorry, but it’s true.

The woman has a police record for domestic assault (3 times) and dui’s, she’s been in jail since he was with her, supposedly for violating probation.  I normally try and avoid her.  I’m not looking for a fight.

My kids are required to visit with them and to be fair she has been nice to them thus far.  She got them Christmas presents and my ex doesn’t do that kind of thing on his own.  She bought my 3 year old daughter a (black) doll and I thought that was really sweet.  She also wanted to pierce my daughter’s ears to which I said NO (!!!) but I think her intentions were good. 

I feel sorry for her because I think my ex treats her similarly to how he did me and her self- esteem doesn’t seem really high either.  She actually has it worse in some ways, like she was the one working and providing everything for the family while he sat on his butt with no job for almost 8 months.  It’s easy to say I would have left him if I were her but obviously I can’t talk.

She thinks they are getting married and even had a date set last year but it never happened.  I have my doubts.  I only heard about that because my sister (who is half black, so I guess slipped past the radar and she didn’t recognize was someone she didn’t know) had decided to friend her on Facebook out of curiosity, unbeknownst to me.  She called to tell me about the posting regarding the upcoming wedding.  I said something about it to my ex and he denied it was going to happen any time soon.  I guess it never did.

So really, I feel sorry for her and I don’t hate her or anything but I try and avoid her.  My sister has since been removed off her FB, lol.  In any case, it was pretty low to text me pretending to be him, if she did.  I wish she wouldn’t worry about me wanting him back because I don’t.  Hopefully if she’s the one that texted it will allay her fears and if it was him he will have had his curiosity satiated, but yeah, another upsetting incident for me this past week.

Oh, and I’m not getting to see the Producer today.  He is in serious pain with his hip and going to the ER.  No idea what is wrong.  Hopefully it’s not something really serious.

Trying to keep my sparkle…

shineonbaby

Kinky Poly has no idea how much she made my day awarding me the Shine On award! I’ve been having kind of a rough week, and after someone insulted my blog and writing skills, when I was making a comment elsewhere, I’ve been kind of reluctant to try and type. So thank you, thank you, for not only giving me an incentive to write something but making me feel better and reminding me that I do have a bunch of wonderful followers! The awards I’ve received say there are people out there who DO enjoy reading and I don’t want to let the haters bring me down!

Screw them all! Or rather, don’t, because they clearly have issues with a woman enjoying her sex life and writing about it, so screwing them is probably a bad idea, lol.

Anyhow, let me give you all an update of what is going on in my life, before I get to the questions, because it’s got me in a depressed kind of mood that may shine through in my writing. 😦 I’m also due for my period and that really tends to affect me emotionally. I swear sometimes I think I have PMDD (Pre-menstrual dysphoric disorder). It’s not so much irritability, though there is some of that, but falling into a depression each month. It’s to the point where I struggle to function normally and to keep suicidal thoughts out of my head. I know I’d never actually kill myself because of my kids but I just get to feeling so overwhelmed and hopeless that I don’t know what to do. It’s only once a month for a couple of days though, thankfully.

Hell, that’s something about me, so let’s consider it my first fact. Back to this past week. Well, I lost my Fuck Buddy. Totally unexpected but he got upset with me. He had wanted to see me one morning and when he texted I was really too exhausted to wake up and start getting ready. I’d been up all night the night before dealing with issues with my teenage son.

So that probably made him a little cranky with me to begin with. I had said maybe but ended up sleeping longer than planned and he had to go back to his town early. He asked for some pictures, since we weren’t meeting, and having not had a chance to get ready I asked if he wanted to see some of me with another guy. He said “sure” and I figured since our faces weren’t in it and he’s not emotionally attached AND he agreed to it, he would be okay with it all. Big mistake.

I sent him a couple pics. They are of me and the Producer but just show his cock going into my pussy, from behind, close up. I didn’t tell him WHO the pictures were of. Guys send me pics of themselves with women all the time, minus face, and often ask me for the same, so I’m thinking no big deal.

Well, he got PISSED because he saw the other guy wasn’t wearing a condom!! Sigh. HE wears one every single time and we’ve been fucking for over a year and he never asked me before if the other guys wear condoms or not. He was like, you are fucking raw now? I said not usually, but admitted I have and he said “well, I can’t fuck you. That’s a bit much”. I said the Professor never wore one with me and did he expect the married women he fucks with to wear condoms with their husbands and he said “no”. I was like well, I’m not sure how it affects you since you always wear one but okay, I guess I shouldn’t have sent the pics, have a nice life. Haven’t spoken with him since.

As if that wasn’t enough, I kind of cut things off completely with the Professor too. He came over here the other day, wanting to bring us some big floor pillow that he said he wasn’t using and he made me a drink and brought it with him. He’d been texting me pictures of this alcoholic beverage he was trying, called “Kinky”, and mixing it with Moscato. I was asking what it tasted like so he made me a cup.

We’d been being friendly but he hadn’t seemed interested in meeting up for anything more. He kept acting all depressed and sad and envious of the fact that I have been getting out and seeing guys. Yet, when I made a comment about him not seeming interested in hanging out with ME, he said “I am, but I don’t know if I can handle it” and commented that we argued “too much”.

So okay, I’m thinking then he must just want to be friends right? He keeps initiating text conversations with me and seeming to want to chat. When he was here I gave him a hug goodbye and said thanks for the stuff. He apologized for not having showered, so he wasn’t getting all fixed up for me or anything.

Anyhow, I’m starting to accept that he seems to want to be platonic friends and thinking okay, I can handle this. Then I sent him a Facebook request. We’ve never been Facebook friends before but we’d been talking a lot lately and I’d written something I kind of wanted him to read and see what he thought. It would have been too long to send over text.

He didn’t accept my request. He totally ignored it but kept on texting me. 5 days later I finally asked why? He made some remark about how he doesn’t like to have “Lifestyle friends” on there because of his job. I pointed out that he has that married woman on there and he says that he told her he would “probably take her off soon, for the same reason”. COME ON! Give me a fucking break!! That is utter bullshit. If he were going to take her off for that reason he’d have done it by now!!

I said “I doubt it” and his response was “That’s not true. I haven’t seen her since April”. Um, did I ask when he saw her?? WTF? I just ignored his texting after that and haven’t responded since.

I can’t think of any reason he wouldn’t want me on there that isn’t offensive, and made especially offensive by the fact that SHE is on there!! Just another reminder that he thinks she is somehow better and more valuable than me. What a fucktard.

Not that I care that much about having him on my Facebook page but it’s just the concept behind it all. Like what? Are you embarrassed of me? Do you think I’m trashy enough to go airing dirty laundry on Facebook when I get upset? Clearly, if you think that, you don’t know me very well. That’s SO insulting! UGH!

At least I’m seeing the Producer for lunch tomorrow. We probably won’t be having sex, just hanging out. He tried to talk me into a threesome with this 21 year old girl last night and I just wasn’t interested in going there, especially right now when I’m about to start my period and would be overemotional. Don’t want to risk flipping out or getting hurt feelings over something silly.

I told him all that too, lol. He also claims how bad she wants me and that she wanted to text me. I told him tell her she can send me an email or something, I don’t really like texting that much. Not to be offensive but texting with a 21 yr old girl sounds really annoying to me, lol.

It’s bad enough when it’s this 23 year old guy I slept with last year. He keeps trying to get me to see him again and I just felt so awkward, I don’t know if I can. He’s sooo cute, but it’s just too “cute” or something, like he has this baby face and he seems soo young. He’s also in a fraternity, lol. I am WAY too old to be fucking frat boys! Haha!

Oh and the Pilot still has not contacted me and never responded to my apology. He was, however, looking at my profile on the swinger site yesterday. Wonder why? I had unblocked him but he hasn’t unblocked me. Ah well.

I do have a guy I have been talking to that I really hope works out. He and I will be meeting in person soon but we’ve been mostly communicating over email. He’s from the swinger site and has over 100 positive validations from females. They make him sound like hot stuff and his pics aren’t half bad either!! 😉

Also, he’s fun over email and seems sweet and nice. He has been in an open relationship for over 9 years, with the mother of his child, so I’ve asked him a lot of questions about that and how he does it. He says he only plays with singles when travelling and that she does the same. They can play with couples close to home but she doesn’t do it nearly as often as he does. I guess when she does though it’s mostly single men. He goes out to dinner or dancing with other women but saves “romantic dinners” for her.

He’s the IT manager at a law firm. So, no idea what I will call him if we end up hitting it off, lol. He has also invited me to come along with him and some of his guy friends on a “guy’s weekend” that they are having. I’m thinking that kind of defeats the purpose of a weekend with the guys and asked if he meant for me to fuck them too. He said not necessarily. Hmmm. In any case, I told him I want to meet him first and make sure we even click and he said he agreed that was a good idea.

Okay, dangit, I am telling you all too much and haven’t even gotten to the rest of my facts. I’ll try and be concise ;).

2. I love avocadoes. I could eat them day and night, every day and be happy. Oh wait, that’s what I used to do when I lived in Hawaii. We had two avocado trees and ate them constantly. My dad would be all “we don’t need to buy groceries, just go eat an avocado” and suggesting things like avocado pancakes and avocado peanut butter sandwiches (!). Nevertheless, I NEVER got tired of eating them, lol. Give me some salt and lemon juice with it and I’m even more happy. On burgers, tacos, in salads, sandwiches, you name it! I love making homemade guacamole too.

3. Pineapples! I love them too!! Especially fresh but I’ll eat almost anything with pineapples in it. Chocolate covered, in smoothies, on ham, in some cake. Yeah baby! LOL I used to, when I wasn’t drinking alcohol, order a pineapple juice instead, every time we went to a restaurant. If they serve alcohol they almost always have it on hand, whether it’s listed on the menu or not.

4. My teenage son is driving me batshit crazy. I am so at my wits end with him!! I’m trying so hard to deal with everything he brings up but it’s something new EVERY FUCKING DAY. Some kid is claiming he stole their bike and I have parents yelling at me on almost the daily. Thing is, he has a very expensive BMX bike and I’m pretty darn sure he’s never stolen one!! Virtually every time it turns out to be this kid who is a “friend” of his and keeps putting the blame on him. The kid finally tried to take HIS bike and pulled a knife on him. I’m so fed up!

When it’s not that, someone is calling the cops because he and some kid he had spending the night are writing their names in lighter fluid in the road and setting them on fire (at 4am while I was fast asleep) or blowing up bike tires by over-pumping them and waking up the entire neighborhood.

He and a friend actually tried to hide in the trunk of my van when I was headed out to a date with the Producer. I got in the lobby of the hotel, where we were meeting before going out to get a drink and he calls me on the phone to ask what I am doing at a hotel. They thought they were hilarious. Sigh….

I don’t know. I used to be critical of parents whose kids were like this, back when I was working with them. I guess I’m getting a taste of my own medicine now. He’s just such a little imp!! I swear people used to tell me how well behaved he was when he was little, even though he’s always had boatloads of energy. He’s like 5 ADHD 2 year olds on speed, I’m not kidding. Somehow, for some reason, I ended up with this child. It must be paybacks for everything I’ve ever done in this life and maybe some others, lol. My others are little angels in comparison, that hardly ever misbehave. Thank God!!

5. I’m home alone today, just enjoying several hours all by myself, for the first time in a really long time! The Producer and I were going to meet but I guess he pulled out his hip or something and decided to wait to drive here until tomorrow. I was actually kind of relieved. Even if he is meeting up with that 21 year old instead, I am totally fine with that. I told him if he wanted to do that, when he first brought up the threesome, that he could just get together with her instead but he was insistent he’d rather be with me. I, on the other hand, just wasn’t feeling it and kind of wanted some alone time. So I guess it all worked out for the best.

I did some shopping and got myself a cute little sundress that I will probably wear when he and I go out for lunch tomorrow and made myself some dinner and am working on my blog. Oh, and I had a grand old time with my toy, all alone, and a fantastic orgasm ;). Not really in the mood to deal with men at the moment, which is unusual, since my sex drive tends to be very high, but I think I just needed a break.

6. I’ve been looking into some ways to make money writing and found some ideas that I think might work. Going to give it a shot anyhow. Nothing to do with this blog, since I don’t want to make you all view advertisements. You’d hate that right? I find pop ups and stuff when I’m trying to read someone’s stuff really frustrating.

I’d love to get paid for reviewing things or writing articles online. I enjoy writing and always thought it would be great to actually make something doing it. It’s just so hard to find legit opportunities. If it actually works out I will have to let you all know!

In the meantime, there’s always that Paypal Donate button!! (wink, wink) Psst…it’s at the top right of the page and I will always LOVE and appreciate your financial support! You know what they say, there’s no nation like a DOUGH-nation and no city like GENEROSITY!! 😉 😀

7. I love wearing skirts and sundresses in the summer. I wish I could dress like that all year. It’s just so summery and breezy and even more fun when you are on a date and forget your panties. 😉

I went out the other night with the Producer to this dinner theater and it was fun. I wore a short skirt and as he was dropping me off to go park the car I told him I wasn’t wearing any panties under it and you should have seen the look on his face! Haha

It was a cool theater too, where you could recline in your chair and they brought you alcoholic beverages and food. We went out to a bar afterwards and he was sliding his hand underneath my skirt, while we were sitting on barstools at the bar. Afterwards, was, what else, but fun sex?

He cornered me though, in the car, as we were driving back, to ask me to rate him on a scale of 1-10 again. Sigh. I think I said 8. I mean, it’s probably more like a 6.5-7 but I’m not trying to hurt his feelings. Then he demanded to know if I’d ever slept with a 10 before and I was honest and said yes (after he kept saying BE HONEST). He wanted to know why but how can I explain that to him?? I may have to write a blog post about that soon.

Gosh, I’m finished already? Kidding. I want to recommend to you some more awesome blogs I have found recently as well. So, to all of my fabulous rewardees, (that’s not really a word, is it? But you know what I mean) keep smilin, keep shinin, knowin you can always count on me….for sure…

Be sure to keep this award shining on to the next person, post the lovely blog award image. Mention me, linking to my blog, state 7 things about yourself and name 15 great blogger recipients of your own! Shine on sexy people!

1. The Mental Illness and Non-Monogamy Blog
2. Laffemeroar
3. My Gay Guy
4. AngelMorals
5. Dreamshadow 59
6. Joseph McNamara
7. A Day in the Life of Shareen A.
8. Sun and Fun
9. Being a Beautiful Mess
10. My Mind to Your Mind
11. A Sexual Being
12. Goodgirlmostly
13. Vegasfetishes
14. HandswhereIcanseethem
15. MariMar

A Stranger’s Sybian

sybian

Tonight I finally went through with something I’ve fantasized about doing for quite some time.   I met a complete stranger off of Craigslist and went to his house to ride his Sybian machine.  I can’t say it was all it was cracked up to be but it was an interesting experience.

I had communicated with this man awhile back, I think shortly after breaking up with the Professor.  I hadn’t had time to actually follow through with meeting up but I’d kept his emails.  What had partly kept me from going there was when I found out he lives in the SAME apartment complex as the Prof.  I didn’t want the Prof to see my vehicle and think he was being stalked, lol. That, and lack of time.

This time it was a little different because the Professor and I have been chatting here and there.  Actually, I was kind of hoping he’d take it the next step and invite me over tonight because he knew I was going to be alone and was dropping the kids off for a few hours, but he didn’t. He claimed he would probably be sitting at home alone watching a movie and was acting sad that he didn’t have plans to go out. Hmmm..  I think that is especially odd he wouldn’t bother to ask me, since he’s been telling me he misses me and wants to talk? 

Oh well.  Since he didn’t seem like he wanted to hang out, and some other plans of mine had fallen through, I needed something to occupy myself.  The married man and I were going to meet, since his wife is out of town, but then he got hit in the face with a ball and his tooth almost went through his lip.  He wasn’t feeling too hot and didn’t want me to drive up last night.  Tonight, he said he wanted to see me but that he wouldn’t be able to go down on me or kiss and he felt like if I am going to drive all the way there he wants to make it worth my while.  Totally understand that so I’m not mad at him.

He changed his mind a couple of times and tried to see if I would still come up there but I had made arrangements to pick up my kids in a few hours and said I’d better not.  Not that he wouldn’t be awesome sex even without the kissing or licking, lol.  He’s wonderful with his cock and I’ve no doubt I’d still have tons of orgasms.  There will be more times with him.  The sex is just too freaking good, I know it will have to happen again.

Also, there was a guy on the swinger site that I would have loved to have met up with tonight but there seems to be some kind of issue with me emailing him.  He’s sent me his email three different times from the site, and each time I tried to send him emails he apparently never got them.  So he keeps emailing me on the site but I can’t get back to him!  Sooo frustrating, I am guessing my mails must be ending up in his spam folder or something.  He was here in town tonight and from his pics and validations looked and sounded really good.  So much for that!

On to the Sybian.  Before I went there I made sure to text a male friend and tell him what I was up to.  I gave him the guy’s address and said this is in case I never return.  He said okay and make sure I tell the guy that he has it too, which I did.

So I drove over to this guy’s apartment.  He lives on the other side of the complex from the Prof, thankfully, but you have to drive in the same entrance gate to get there.  I was a little concerned he might see me and was relieved that I didn’t pass him in his car or anything.  He had mentioned going to the store an hour or so before. 

I was a little nervous when I knocked on the door but the guy seemed normal and friendly.  He was an overweight, average looking, 40 something white guy.  There was actually something really familiar about his face and I was wondering where I’d seen him before.  Church?  A swinger party?  Hmmmm…  haha  In any case, he was nice and non- threatening.  Still, I mentioned I had shared his address with someone, in case he was a serial killer.  He laughed and said that was fine.

His house looked a lot like the Professors inside.  I could see a treadmill in the living room and bottles of wine on the counter in the kitchen.  It was well lit and he lead me down the hall to his bedroom, where there was a large screen TV and a queen sized bed.  On the floor in front of the bed was the Sybian machine, all set up.  I glanced around for any hidden cameras but nothing in sight, lol.

He opened a bag and pulled out several different attachments, lying them across the bed.  I got to pick which one I want but I wasn’t sure.  Some of them looked way too huge and others had inserts for your ass or looked like a finger.  He said most women pick one of these and some like to put this penis sheath on the top, showing me a couple of average looking ones.  The penis sheath, even the smallest one, looked suspiciously wide.  But I decided to go with that.

It had ridges and bumps on the bottom of the piece that you could rub your clit against.  Anyhow, he placed it across the Sybian machine and added a condom, lubing it up.  I asked if a lot of women come and ride it and he said he’s had a handful, or something like that.  He said he likes to share it and that it belonged to his ex wife but he got it in the divorce.  I commented that she must have been mad about that and he said actually not, that she’d been concerned it was desensitizing her.

He told me I didn’t need to take all my clothes off, whatever was comfortable for me.  I opted to pull off my shorts and panties but left my shirt and bra on.  I regretted that later because when I was in the middle of getting off I kind of wanted to take it all off but I didn’t.  I had on a flimsy little satiny tank with a zipper down the front that comes off quite easily too. He said it was up to me who would run the controls and I said I’d rather it be him since I didn’t know what I was doing (and figured I’d want to focus on other things).

He sat in front of me on the floor and gave me a little stool to hold onto if need be.  Then I climbed aboard, lol.  It was kind of a big attachment and hard to straddle so when he started moving it around inside me I had to ask him to stop.  I remember not liking that feeling at my first swinger party when I rode the Sybian there either.  So he stopped the inside movement and I just straddled the fake cock while he turned up the vibrations.

He never turned it up very high but it felt pretty strong to me.  I came but it took a while and I can’t say the orgasms were near as good as with my favorite men or with my toy at home.  Perhaps it was because he was staring at me and he just wasn’t someone that turned me on, lol.  In my fantasies, even if the guy is a stranger and maybe not that attractive, he still would be different.  Like less, harmless?  I don’t know, haha.

This guy was just too nice and non- scary.  Which is good, but then again, not so good when I am trying to get off, lmao.  😉  It’s funny because there are really only 3 people in my life who I’ve really been able to get off with.  With any others the orgasms are like sub- par and it makes me think about that a bit.

Those three guys are the Married Man, The Professor, and this one guy that I used to fuck back in high school.  I pretty much hated him but the sex was sooo good.  Anyhow, what they have in common, that I can see, is all being both really dominant in bed AND being sweet but in a way I don’t really know how to describe.  Even the one guy, though he was an asshole, and our first couple times having sex were forced, he was still really more “loving” in bed.  There is something about that combination of being both super dominant and super giving that just drives me wild.  Orgasms from a machine just don’t compare.  When I’m on my own with my vibrator or shower massager I do pretty well but I have to get lost in fantasy.  That’s hard when you have Mr. Nice Guy staring you in the face.

So anyway, I came, and even a few times, but not in full force.  He seemed to enjoy watching anyhow and didn’t try anything on me.  He mentioned that some women like to have sex afterwards but that he never pushes and I was more than happy to get dressed again and be on my merry way.  I received an email after I left from him stating that I am free to come back for another ride any time he is at home.  Maybe sometime if I have nothing better to do, and am horny enough and in the mood, haha.

 

Was I wrong?

Tonight I am questioning myself and the conclusions I jumped to regarding the Pilot.  Maybe I was wrong.  Maybe he really was telling the truth and I assumed the worst about him.  If so, then I was totally unfair. 

Yes, he did sign up for a party right after cancelling on me but his excuse, that I had blocked him or he wouldn’t have done it, may have been a valid one.  He may have reacted to my actions with anger and signed up to spite me.  Not very nice but then neither was deleting our profile we had just created.  That cost him money too. :/

We haven’t spoken but I’m debating apologizing to him.  Even if I was RIGHT then I probably shouldn’t have called him an asshole.  To be fair he didn’t react in kind. 

I’m not saying I’m okay with being cancelled on at the last minute, but it was a first time offense.  He’s never done anything else to piss me off before and actually seemed to like me quite a bit.  That may have changed now and I’m not expecting anything to go back the way it was but I’m thinking the right thing may be to apologize anyhow.

A couple things got me thinking in that direction and one was my date with the Producer last night.  He took me out to a bar that is run by some swingers here in town and we were chatting when the topic came up about what had happened with the Pilot.  Even though he was jealous of him before he was like you STILL haven’t forgiven him for that?  He said I was “harsh” and he wouldn’t want to be on my bad side, that he was going to try and avoid pissing me off, haha.

Then tonight, the Married Man texted me wanting to hook up.  His wife is out of town and if you all recall, the last time this happened he stood me up and I got pretty pissed at him.  Nevertheless, he’s too amazing in bed to stay mad at for long and I finally agreed to try and work with him on some last minute plans.  Okay, if I can forgive him repeatedly (because he’s pulled this crap several times), how can I be so angry with the Pilot for doing the same thing?

Well, guess what happened with Mr. Married Man?  He cancelled on me AGAIN!  Only this time I actually believe it was for a legit reason.  He got injured playing ball and cut his mouth open and said his tooth almost went through his lip.  He was texting me pics of it and asking what he could do to stop the bleeding.  It was actually kind of cute because he seemed to think I was going to know what to do and kept asking me questions.  What does he think I am, a nurse?  LMAO.  Fortunately I did know how to help because I have some very active boys and have spent far too much time in the ER. 

After things settled down a bit and he told me he was in so much pain he wanted to cry, he says he wouldn’t be able to go down on me if I came up and sent me a sad face.  He said he wanted to be able to satisfy my whole body and not just with his dick if I was going to travel all that way (he lives near the Pilot).  He was like “I am soo sorry”, and this time I feel like it was sincere.  I mean, sometimes people really do just feel “not up to” having sex and want to give you their best.  It’s possible that could really have been the case with the Pilot.

I know some of you all on my blog were questioning too.  I don’t know.  Maybe I should just suck it up and say I am sorry.  Of course from there he could still be really pissed or unforgiving but I guess the outcome isn’t really what matters.  My biggest concern with that is that he really WAS being an ass and then I am making a fool of myself or letting him take advantage of me, but if it ever happened again then I guess I would know.  Seriously considering it.  I feel bad for blowing up at him.

While I was mad at the Pilot, I spent a little time talking to the Professor.  He says he misses me.  He made some comment about me not believing him about things that made me wonder if I’m extra suspicious.  I know I’m not the most trusting person on earth.  I’ve been lied to way too many times. 

Anyhow, he sounds sad, and says he really hasn’t played much since he was with me.  He said only with some people he knew before and once at a party he went to but acted like none of it was that great.  According to him he’s only been with that married woman once this entire year, the time we got in an argument.  I told him a little about the Pilot and what happened because he knew about our couples profile and that I’d been to a party with someone.  He seemed a bit jealous that I have been going out and getting laid more than he says he has.

Then he was sending me pics of what he ate for dinner, lobster and some kind of avocado and tomato salad and telling me he was thinking of me when he made it. I do love my avocadoes and raw tomatoes, lol.  We haven’t talked a whole lot since.  He keeps saying he misses me but he’s not making any moves to get me back in bed. 

I talked with my fuck buddy recently for a bit and we even discussed the possibility of going to a party together.   Not sure if we will do that but looking forward to sex with him again, it’s been awhile. He has started bringing up anal though and I can’t say I’m all that excited about that.  It’s like seriously, the guy with the huge 9 inch, thick cock just HAS to be the one that wants to fuck me in the ass, lol.  I was like your dick is way too big for that kind of activity!   Of course he claims his ex- wife hated it at first but then got used to it and would ride him reverse cowgirl anal and he loved it.  Sigh….

Actually, lately, the person I’ve been seeing the most of is the Producer.  He’s been coming through here about twice a week.  I haven’t really been pushing the gold digging thing but he seems quite happy to offer things on his own.  He says he wants to take me to Vegas with him in the fall and then maybe on a cruise in the Bahamas.  Hey, I can handle that! 😉 

Each time we meet up he makes sure to take me out and do SOMETHING with me so that is fun. He says he doesn’t want it to be “just sex”.  He’s also talking about doing something special for my birthday next month, so we will see.

Once he brought up wanting a threesome with this woman he says he has slept with here before.  She is like 21 and blonde and he sent me pics and I’m wondering why the hell he always wants to see ME instead of her then when he is here, but whatever.  He keeps saying what incredible pussy I have.  I can’t help that. 😉  He’s like, “it’s just sooo SOFT and wet and hot and GOOD”.  He says he can’t believe I’ve had kids. Yeah…  well, what can I say?  LMAO  (Other than one of my kids was 9 ½ lbs with a big head and I had them all natural, guess it hasn’t damaged THAT area too badly anyway).

He’s still bent on becoming the “best sex ever” for me and wants me to rate his performance afterwards and tell him what a big dick he has all the time, but whatever, I guess I can oblige that, haha.  Shaking my head…. The sex isn’t bad.  It’s not off the charts spectacular but it’s still fun!! 

When we were at the bar last night we met a single woman that we struck up a conversation with and she and I exchanged numbers.  This is more likely a hangout thing than a sex thing, though she was having an issue with being in a fight with a current lover while her fuck buddy on the side cancelled for the night.  She seems like she might be fun though, so you never know. We were texting a bit back and forth last night but I was decidedly tipsy.  I also sent a drunk I miss you text to the Professor. He said he misses me too and sent a sad face.  :/  Dangit I’m just all kinds of confused right now.

 

I Think I Know What The Problem Is At Last – Sexual Anorexia

Wow, “sexual anorexia”. This is fascinating to me because it describes my ex husband’s behaviors almost to a T. Who knew there was a disorder by this name? He also suffered sexual abuse as a very young child (by his much older brother who now identifies as gay). I didn’t know that until far too late because he never confided in me or shared this info and I eventually was told by another family member, after 13 years of marriage. Religious/oppressive background? Check, self described “porn addiction”, check…., lack of emotional closeness, using silence and anger to “control” your partner (yes very much, he was outwardly passive but it was very passive aggressive and that describes his behavior in a nutshell), he was also very weird about money and would get angry at me for spending money on basic things like toilet paper and dish detergent, (as though those were optional) despite me being really, really frugal. He was extremely and unfairly critical and avoided spending time with me. Yep, pretty much ALL of this….

Tales from a Sex Starved Wife

s

I have only recently become aware of this disorder as I came across the term in passing in one of the forums at Experience Project, and then again in the first episode of Ray Donovan (a new TV show starring Leiv Schreiber).  Intrigued by this, I began investigating and researching all I could on the internet.

Essentially Sexual Anorexia is defined in Wikipedia as:

Sexual anorexia is a pathological loss of “appetite” for romantic-sexual interaction, often the result of a fear of intimacy to the point that the person has severe anxiety surrounding sex with emotional content i.e. in an intimate relationship.

The term was first coined in 1975 by psychologist Nathan Hare, and a book was later written about the subject in 1997 by psychologist Patrick Carnes called Sexual Anorexia.  Hopefully I can find a copy of this book and learn as much about this subject as possible.

There is a very good article…

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Crash landing for the Pilot :(

crash

Well, so much for the Pilot, I guess we are over and done with.  I thought he was this really great guy but my opinion of him has taken a total nosedive.  He really pissed me off and left me upset last night.

First of all, we had plans to go to a party.  His idea, we’d made them Wed. night.  I was excited to come up and see him again and do our thing.  Our couples profile was doing great, with lots of views and winks and people commenting that we were hot and asking to meet up.

Then, Thursday night he texts me and says he has a friend of his that would be interested in hanging out with us and his girl.  He tells me to check out this couple’s profile and that they have sent us their private gallery with face pics.  He says he knows the guy, and he is cool, but never met the woman.

I look at the pics and the guy isn’t bad, probably fuckable, though I’d have to see him in person to know for sure.  The woman, well, not so much.  She was a little below average on looks.  Her profile stated she was 33, but she looked worn and much older, like someone who’s done too many drugs.  Naked, I wasn’t that impressed.  There was something about her that made me wonder about cleanliness.  Like she looked halfway shaven, like she hadn’t taken the time to clean up before a picture and that bugged me a bit. 

I mean, if we are playing with a couple, I am most likely going to have to play with the woman too and don’t want to be grossed out.  I didn’t want to be rude since the guy is his friend, but I wasn’t liking the idea.  So I said “they could be alright, what do you think about her?”  He said “mas o menos, not that excited about her but she is not that bad”.  I told him I was thinking similarly but if he wants to we can.

Then he added that his friend wanted to split the cost of a room and all share together.  His friend was leaving on an airplane early the next morning and had actually asked the Pilot and another guy to fuck her while he was gone.  Okay, that sounded a little weird but it is the Lifestyle, right?

I asked if they were wanting to stay in or go out to the party.  He said he wasn’t sure, that they were signed up for a different party then added that he wasn’t big on the idea of sharing a hotel room.  I admitted I wasn’t really either because that left us stuck with them all night.  He was like “no pressure, we don’t have to hook up with them”.

Then he sent me a text saying that the party we were planning on going to had a lot of people, but they didn’t look that appealing and that his friend keeps calling him.  I said “the people there don’t look that appealing?  And your friend does?  LOL”  What I meant, was he keeps calling?  But a couple minutes later I realized that probably came off as though I meant his friend didn’t look appealing.  It wasn’t his friend that wasn’t appealing to me, but the woman, but I wouldn’t have been that rude anyhow.

I quickly tried to explain what I had meant and he just said “it’s ok”.  He said “not saying he or she is either.  He contacted me today and asked me to fuck her…told him I had plans for Friday but would ask you”.  He said his friend was a little strange for wanting him to fuck his girl while he was gone and he thought it was crazy she agreed to it.  I was like “why wouldn’t she, she gets to fuck two guys, at least one of whom is hawt ;)”.  He said he’d never thought of it that way and I laughed and said I was shaking my head. 

Then I told him that I honestly wasn’t that excited about the idea and thought it would be fun to go out.  He said he felt the same.  I said he could always fuck her after I leave if his friend needs him too and he laughed….then ignored the rest of my texts that evening.  I sent 4, including one asking if he was okay with not hanging out with his friend. I  said we could if he wants.  No response.

It was late so I though he possibly fell asleep and decided not to worry about it.  The next morning I sent a text “so what is the plan for tonight?”  He said he was torn and I asked between what and he said the two parties, the one we had signed up for and the other one, that his friend had signed up for.  I noticed he had used our couples profile to add us to that list too.

He said the first party he’d been told by a good friend, who was a “hot married woman that is all about fucking, single or coupled males so I trust her opinion” that it was a waste of time.  That no one really does anything at that party.  He said the second one was either or, it could be fun or “underwhelming” and not a lot of people had signed up.  I said maybe that one would be more fun then and if it wasn’t we could make it that way, or we could even do something non swingerish- it didn’t matter to me.  There was also another couple that we had spoken with before that lives up there and was interested in getting together with us, people he had chosen.

He mentioned that he liked the party we had been to the last time but it is next weekend and he is going out of town.  I asked what he had told his friend and he said “nothing, I blow him off all the time”.  I said okay then he ignored a handful of texts from me so I was like “I hope I’m not texting you too much at work”.  He said no, you know I enjoy your texts, I was out at lunch for a while”. 

I asked if we were still on for tonight and said I needed to make sure I wouldn’t have to reschedule childcare.  I just had this nagging feeling that he was going to back out on me.  He didn’t answer the question and just asked if I wanted to go to the second party.  I said sure and he asked what time I was planning on coming up.  I told him and didn’t hear back for an hour. 

By this time it was getting close to when I would need to take my kids to their dad’s and leave and he hadn’t said anything about making hotel reservations or anything.  Then he comes out with “Do you mind if I cancel?  I am not feeling it for tonight.”

Wow.  I said I wished he would have told me earlier.  Then I was like “I don’t really see the point of having a couples profile if you aren’t interested in seeing me either???”  No response so I got pissed and said I was going to delete it and called him an asshole.

He sent a text saying “definitely want to see you…just been tired it’s a busy week” right at about the same time I sent that so probably before he read it.  He was like “wow, ok, don’t you think you are overreacting a little?”  I told him no, I don’t think so, he completely disrespected me and my time and I have told him I need to know ahead of time due to childcare arrangements.  I said he kept putting me off and that was rude and hoped he had a lovely time with whoever he’d decided to see instead.

He claimed he wasn’t seeing anyone that he’d been working 10+ hours a day that week and that he wasn’t complaining but he has to pay for the hotel and the party and help with gas money and he was tired.  I said I didn’t know how stupid I look to him but that it was a waste of my time to drive up there to see someone who would cancel on me because he is “tired”, that we both know that is utter bullshit and sorry if it’s too much expense.  Clearly he didn’t find me worth it so no use wasting his time, I never claimed to have a lot of money and am a single mom that has to take care of my kids, that I had told him I might be able to cover my own gas this time (I had).  He was like “Lovergirl, I said I don’t mind….”

I asked why then did he bring it up and said there was really no point in me talking to him and having a couples profile if he’s going to cancel on me the only time all month when we would have a chance to see one another.  I said “I am not an idiot.  I know men don’t cancel on a chance to have fun and sex with a woman because they are “tired”.  You found more exciting plans for the night, enjoy”.

He responded “I can’t change what you think but you are so wrong”.  I called bullshit and told him to have a nice life.  Then I went and deleted the couples profile and blocked him from mine.  Not 5 minutes later I went to look at the list of the 2nd party, the one where his friend had been going and sure enough, he was signed up for it, with his OWN profile..

By now I was livid so I texted him and told him I saw that and called him a liar.  He tried to say he did that after I blocked him, which I think he did but why would you do that if you were “too tired” to go to a party?  I pointed that out and he called me “childish” and said “this isn’t Romper room”.  I said there is nothing childish about pointing out that I was being lied to and treated like shit and that I hoped he had fun at the party.  He again tried to come in with “I signed up after you blocked me” as if that changed anything.

I thanked him for ruining my plans for the weekend since my ex was now saying he couldn’t take them overnight the next night.  He said “ok, so I guess you would rather me just hang out with you tired and all, but at least that way you could have fun, right?”.  I can’t believe he was still trying to claim to be “tired” after I’d seen he signed up for a party!!  What a fucktard.  Men really think women will believe some stupid shit.

I said you have no problems going tired without me!! But whatever I’m not going to play games, you really hurt my feelings.  Hope it’s more fun without me.  He said “you can think whatever, I am going to bed”.  This was at 5:30 pm.

I got pretty pissed at him and told him off.   By now I was crying and upset but told him sorry he didn’t enjoy my company enough to want to hang out and have a great night it was fun for a little while.  He said “so what, would you rather cum up here and let me fuck you in front of everyone?”  I told him no way in hell would I stoop that low, that he has me fucked up if he thinks I am one of these pathetic women who would come running after a guy who didn’t want to see me in the first place.  That I would have been happy to do that before, but not now.  Fool me once, okay but the second time I would be my own fault.

I added that I had someone asking me out to dinner Sat (the Producer) and would rather try and work out childcare for that than waste my time with someone who’d just treated me like dirt.  I asked him to delete the pictures of us he has on his profile and our video and he claimed he would but as far as I can see he has not gotten rid of the pics off his profile.  I should have left it there but I was pissed off and told him off a few more times.  He claimed he was sitting at home, just reading my “rants” at like 10:30 and I said that was funny since he was so tired he was going to bed at 5:45.  Ugh.  What a fucking LOSER. 

Who knows what he decided to do instead?  Hang out with his friend and the not so attractive woman?  Or someone else at that party.  I can’t believe he pulled this shit on me when I thought he was so great.  I am so done with his sorry ass and sorry I fell for it.  I cried a lot last night.  You’d think it wouldn’t affect me so much since I’m really not “in love” with him at this point but I guess I had a lot of hope with the way things were going.  Better now than farther down the road I guess.

Tonight the Producer is taking me out to a dinner theatre.  I’m not that excited about it and my eyes are totally red and swollen but I am going to go anyway.  Anything to keep my mind off this.  I haven’t talked to the Professor since the other day and he is probably still all hurt thinking I’m with this other guy.  If only he knew. 😦

Uh-oh

fighting

Tonight the Pilot and I opened a new couples profile together on the swinger site.  We added some pics of ourselves fucking as well as photos taken from each of our individual profiles.  He wrote it up really well and we look and sound awesome, if I do say so myself. 😉

As soon as he put it out publicly we were inundated with views and winks and emails as well as people sending us their private photo galleries.  It’s only been up a couple of hours and there have been something like 400 or more visitors already.  One of our first visitors was apparently, the Professor. :/

I felt awful.  He texted me almost as soon as the photos were posted.  He must have seen the ones of me and tried to click on it on the main page where they feature new photos.  Only, he couldn’t access our actual profile because the Pilot blocked single males from looking at us. 

His text said “I see you block single males from your profile now so I guess you found someone who will treat you well and appreciate you.  Good luck”.    I’d been hoping with him being blocked he wouldn’t have even been able to see the photos.  Unfortunately that wasn’t the case. 😦  No idea if he had to see the ones of us fucking or even recognized that it was us but for his sake I hope not.

It was especially bad because he’d been texting me yesterday, obviously trying to reconnect.  I do still care about him too, a lot, and don’t want to hurt him.  He clearly took us blocking single males as a personal affront but it wasn’t that at all.

The Pilot wanted to do so because he didn’t want to deal with emails from single men.  No reason that he should need to.  If I come up there to visit him and we are playing with someone we meet with our couples profile it wouldn’t be fair for it to be a guy.  Then the Pilot wouldn’t get to fuck anyone and I would.  A single female at least we could both play but he isn’t into guys. 

We kept our single profiles and it was decided to avoid drama we will only hook up with people TOGETHER with our couples profile and if we want to do something separately we need to do it with our own profiles.  Makes perfect sense to me. 

However the Prof was clearly hurt and it put a damper on my excitement.   We texted back and forth and I was here trying to comfort him in between happy texts from the Pilot telling me thanks for being such a cool girl.  We are also planning to go to another party and were getting all the details taken care of for that.  Then he was off to hang out with some swinger friends (and possibly have sex). 

I still feel totally relaxed about the Pilot and what he does without me.  It doesn’t bother me a bit at this point.  He’s just got a really good attitude about it all.  It was his idea to not have any outside hookups without each other from our couple’s profile.  I love the way he sets boundaries like that.  It makes me feel so much better about everything and like I don’t have to worry.

So, back to the Prof.  He was clearly jealous and upset.  I told him I wasn’t blocking single males from my regular profile just for this one and it’s only for occasional play with a friend.  He was like “oh, well ok.  Glad you found a friend that appreciates you”.  I must have told him at some point before that he didn’t appreciate me.  Sigh.

I told him to stop it.  That he’d pretty much broken my heart and that I wasn’t trying to hurt him and that the single male blocking wasn’t personal.  I said I didn’t think he’d even see it, which was true.  We put it in a zip code closer to the Pilot and I just wasn’t expecting the Prof to notice it right away like that.  Our profile photo doesn’t show our faces.

He said our breakup was hard for him too and that he cares for  me and it isn’t easy but I have the right to do whatever I like.  I spent some time explaining that it was just for fun and I’m not tied down to this guy or anything.  He commented “well, he must not want you guys to play with single guys when you’re a couple because he did block them”.  He was really stuck on the blocking thing.  Maybe because it makes him feel shut out and he can’t even look but I really don’t think he wants to see a bunch of pics of me fucking the Pilot anyhow.  I didn’t tell him that though.

I tried to explain our reasoning and he said I didn’t have to but there was still a hurt and jealous tone to his texts.  He kept saying “well, I hope you’re having fun”.  He made a comment that I acted like he was supposed to know this guy or something the way I talked and I said no, not that I know of.  I didn’t tell him this but I’ve barely even mentioned to the Pilot that I had a relationship before him.  I commented that I had been seeing someone about 9 months and going to parties with him occasionally but that’s all he knows.  He hasn’t pressed any further so I kept quiet about it.

It’s possible that they’ve met.  The Pilot apparently also knows (and probably slept with) the married woman that the Prof sees but I wasn’t going to get into a discussion about that.  I didn’t want to get into too much detail with either of them about that kind of stuff.

I finally told the Prof, hey, you didn’t want me anyway, you said you didn’t want any kind of relationship with me.  You said the other woman in your life was more valuable to you and that I wasn’t  worth the trouble.  Then when I tried to see how you were doing you acted uninterested in talking to me.  You seemed happy with all the people you were sleeping with and like I hadn’t really meant anything.

His excuse was that he was really busy with the end of the school year and then getting started in his new job.  He said he can’t believe I don’t think he cares and that he misses talking to me.  I told him I cried for months and you didn’t seem to care then and he said it was because he knew it would be harder.  

I finally said “well, it’s not like anyone was making you not talk to me or be around me.  That was what you wanted”.  He said it was because there was stuff in his life that he needed to get figured out.  I have no clue what he is referring to there.

We left it at that before he went to bed and I’m up here typing.  Part of me is thinking hey, why not just have my cake and eat it too?  Can I somehow incorporate the Prof back into my life without ruining things with the Pilot?  I really do have feelings for him.  Things right now with the Pilot are so awesome though, that I am also afraid to risk it. 

It SHOULDN’T be a risk but I am not so sure that it wouldn’t be.  The Prof knows a lot of people and likes to talk and could very easily get word out about things between he and I in a way that might piss off the Pilot.  I can see him trying to sabotage things with us.  Maybe he wouldn’t and maybe I am being unfair and should give him the benefit of the doubt, but then again, maybe not. 

I also do wonder about whether the Pilot is going to exhibit any jealousy in the future.  It’s too early to tell and if he doesn’t he’d be a rare male indeed.  He’s admitted that he is afraid it is something he could struggle with if he likes someone too much.  Right now he doesn’t ask me about guys but he has said we are free to do what we want with our individual profiles so I know he has to know that is a possibility.  I have no intention of rubbing it in his face or giving him details though unless he asks.

I wonder if it’s possible though, for me to have it all?  Like can I just have all my fun with the Pilot and relegate the Prof to the fuck buddy status he claimed to want or is that just a recipe for hurt and disaster at this point? 

Oh, and the Producer has been more silent lately.  Maybe I upset him when I told him I might be going out of town this weekend.  He knew it was to see another guy and he wanted to come here.  Also, he’s just been through an ordeal because he accidentally tried to board an airplane while carrying a loaded gun in his bag.  EEEk!  As you can imagine the TSA did not take kindly to this, especially coming from a big black man.  I guess it really was an accident and he has a conceal and carry license and a clean record so they let him off but he faces the possibility of like a 25,000 fine and has to be investigated by the Feds.  He said it was really embarrassing. 

Anyway, decisions, decisions……