I interrupt my regularly scheduled blogging to bring you this little bulletin.  I woke up to a text this morning from the Professor.  It said “check your front door”.  So I went out there and looked and he had left a box of donuts.

I’m not sure how to take this.  I thanked him and asked why he did it and he said he thought my kids might like it.  It’s a nice gesture, but….is it really?

Whyyy would he do this NOW?  It’s almost like he saw that I am slipping away and wanted to try and get me back on the string again.  Or maybe he is trying to fuck with my losing weight so I can look hotter for new guys, ha. I wonder if he peeked on the swinger site and saw that I had signed up for a new party.  It’s possible to discover that info from my profile if he clicks on a button that shows your events attended/attending.

Maybe he is just trying to be nice and I’m assigning all kinds of suspicious motives.  I don’t know, but now I’m really confused.  I guess he could just feel sorry for me or honestly be thinking about the kids, but it’s been 6 weeks. 


33 thoughts on “WTF??

  1. I don’t know shit about how men work, so I’m probably not much help but I’d say it’s one of two reasons. One, he thinks you’ve come to some closure so dropping this off won’t send mix messages (although it kinda does) and it really is just a peace offering. Two, he’s stringing you along since he can tell you’re moving on. I’d say either way don’t read too much into it, you are already healing, there’s no need to rethink the situation.

    • Yeah, its all kinds of confusing and he didn’t say much over text when I thanked him. I don’t want to reopen that can of worms right now!! I JUST got to the point where I thought I was getting over him and its fucking with my head and emotions.

  2. well.. if he just meant it as a peace offering then it’s just donuts. If he meant to be an asshat and lure you in, it might be best to act like it’s just donuts. Either way, I’d say “sometimes a donut is just a donut”.
    Your emotions are certainly not bought with a box of pastries. Either way.. I’d say “thanks” and try to move on.
    It’s hard. I feel ya.

  3. They are just doughnuts – and really some guys even though they might have done ass hole things like jerks, are capable of doing nice things – some guys hate knowing there is a woman out there that hates them.

    I would thank him and say, best to not do that again and leave it at that because you know deep down inside you can’t just be friends with him, and you can’t keep anything casual with him so why even start texting and asking him questions : they’re just dougnuts. And the best part is you can put all your last bit of confusion, hate, love into a pastry and eat it or toss it out – be all symbolic like.

    • I don’t know Pyx. I’m not really sure that it’s in the male repertoire of behaviors to deliver gifts to a former sexual partner as part of a random act of kindness. It will be interesting to see what any men have to say on the matter. It’s possible he is trying to redeem himself out of asshole land and that’s it, I don’t know. I did just have that conversation with him, 4 days ago, where I told him to delete my videos and forget he ever knew me.

      I thanked him and asked why and he just said he thought my kids would like it. I was like well, thank you and he said you are welcome and it was left at that. Trying to view them as “just doughnuts” but it’s definitely bringing up feelings that I have been trying to set aside and get over. This is someone I fell in love with after all, not just a random guy and I’ve been having the worst time getting over him.

      It figures that the minute I’m finally able to get past it he does something like this. They always do. It’s like men have this radar that lets them know when you are moving on and it’s then that they try to stop it from happening.

      • Just so you women know, not all men do stuff like this as a matter of course – I wouldn’t have done it because I know it would send the wrong signals, mixed messages, stuff like that even if my intentions were for the kids to enjoy them. And, really, if I was trying to get back into her panties, I would have left something more enticing than doughnuts…

      • Probably; men will do anything to get pussy. Maybe this is what he wants you to think but whatever his reasoning is, don’t let it fuck with your head – just don’t read anything into this or go asking him why he did this. You do that and you’re probably playing right into his hands – again.

        If he was just being nice, fine – leave it at that… but I’d keep my eye out for other such acts of random kindness – it could be an attempt to get you back.

      • Yeah, if he really wanted me back you’d think he’d have acted differently a few days ago, when I was trying to reach out to HIM and feel him out. So I finally accept that it’s over and he throws this in the mix. Makes it seem like maybe he doesn’t want me back but he wants me to have hope so I’m available for him should he need a fallback. No thanks.

      • Well I have spent enough time with men to know, that just like women, they come in all shapes and sizes and no two are exactly the same. Men do some stupid shit – a lot of them become the bad guy so that a woman end things so he doesn’t have too – being one of the guys has it’s benefits. The Proff is doing his thing and now it’s you who are in control of doing yours!

        Is there a chance he will be at this party too? If the swinging pool is rather ‘small’ in your area, it would be in his best interest to at least not have you in a state of mind that could complicated the reality of running into each other someplace, party or club?

        You know PC was ‘seeing’ this girl, she had a kid, she was really cool too and they had a sexual thing going on (I know you loved the Proff but I have a point) they texted a lot, chatted a lot and there came a point where he could tell she was in love with him. He felt really bad, it was never that for him and was never going to be that for him and he broke things off with her because he knew she was in love and he wouldn’t be able to give her that. Do I think he dropped off doughnuts at her door? No, not at all, because PC is the sort of guy to know that it would hurt – the proff might not know better but really was thinking of the kids.

        yeah the timing on this really sucks! I know what you mean, a few times i wondered if the fates weren’t purposely setting me up with this crap, but if I thought that way than the doughnuts would be the perfect Trojan horse: this has or will expose if you are really over this guy and what unresolved issues you have. Makes more work of it, now you have to fight the urge to peek and ask more questions but maybe a good practice on resolve and self discipline (do not give in to the damaging behaviours) and it might time to let go of some of that anger too?

        Don’t get me wrong you have every right to feel what you are feeling but I don’t think people can move on without coming to terms with this stuff and accepting an end – don’t let this turn you inside out again, don’t let relationship with the Pilot start off with suspicion and doubt of men, don’t give in to the idea that this means something or that it is a negative, I am sure you set some new boundaries for yourself after you two broke up, use them now…

        You can come out the other end of this im convinced of it!

      • I’d have a hard time believing that the Prof just didn’t know this would affect me. He’s far from stupid. Could he just feel bad? Possibly. It might be some sort of a guilt offering or to show he’s not a bad guy. He knew I was hurting, I made that clear.

        As for running into him at that swinger party, I highly doubt it. It’s a 3 hour drive and in a bigger city. I don’t think he’s been to that particular club before or he’d probably have mentioned it. He told me of a couple he went to up there and that wasn’t one of them.

        It’s very plausible that if I went to a party, especially here in town, that I would see him. I actually brought that up during our last conversation. I asked what he would do if we ran into each other at a party and he said probably leave. I didn’t say I’d be there WITH anyone but he likely inferred that because he knows I’m not really comfortable with going alone.

        This other party though, nah. It is not a place he’d likely be, which is another reason I liked the idea. The Pilot had suggested coming to one here and I momentarily discouraged it because I DON’T want to run into the Prof right now. I’m not ready.

        I didn’t tell the Pilot that or anything about my relationship with the Prof. Only mentioned offhand that I’d been to some parties with another guy that I’d been seeing for 9 months, no other details. Just thought it would be really awkward to show up to a party here because not only might the Prof be there but people are used to seeing me there with him and he knows a lot more people in the Lifestyle here than I do.

        Right now I don’t feel much urge to do anything about my feelings, or the donuts (other than eat them, haha, and they are gone thanks to my ravenous children). Its just puzzling.

  4. They are NOT just a box of doughnuts, and he is not just trying to be nice. If nice was what he was concerned with, and he really was concerned about your children, his behavior up to this point would have been totally different.

    Who leaves a box of doughnuts or someone’s doorstep? It’s a gesture of some sort.

    It’s definitely an attempt to occupy your thoughts and keep you interested. Maybe this is all he thinks he needs to do to occupy that space. Maybe that’s all he can afford. Maybe he thought doing more would open the floodgates, and while he may be interested, he may not want to stir up the drama, especially if he’s preoccupied with someone else right now.

    And I would take what you read on that site with a grain of salt. He knows you can see he’s spending time with other women and talking about them. Never underestimate this as a ploy to make you jealous on some level.

    There is a school of thought that says if a man is into you he will make is intentions clear; however, I’m not always convinced men are not above a little game playing themselves and withhold these things. If he instinctively feels he has the upper hand with you, he may feel comfortable playing games.

    • Yeah, there had to be some kind of meaning behind it all…even if it was just that he didn’t get laid this weekend and had a momentary realization. “Damn, did I just throw away a woman who would fuck me six ways from Sunday? Ooops…. time to do some damage control and mend those bridges before its too late”. Actually, I’m thinking that’s a pretty fair guess.

      I don’t think men are above game playing either. I’ve seen quite a bit of it. If they really always said and did what they mean women wouldn’t have all the confusion about relationships that we do!

      • I’m telling ya, if I were going to play that game, I would have used something more enticing than doughnuts – doughnuts are kinda lame if you’re trying to get back into someone’s good graces and thong – he needs to be smacked in the back of the head like Dinozzo…

      • Yeah, it may be just a little thing to test the waters too. He’s left us doughnuts before, as a seemingly sweet gesture and even gave me some the last time I saw him.

  5. I don’t know, it could be a benevolent gesture, or it could be malicious, but I’m with the camp that’s saying “it’s just donuts, and if it’s not, treat it as such”.

  6. OMG . . . .

    If you polled 100 men and asked them if they would go out of their way to do something for someone they had no interest in, the YES answers would be slim. Men don’t do things like this to be “nice” they do it for reciprocation (therefor it’s not just doughnuts). They may hold the door for someone who is right in front of them to be nice, etc, but that’s about it.

    And doughnuts are an appropriate gesture for this situation, in my opinion. It’s thoughtful, something that he knows you like, but it’s not over the top (which can feel creepy, too try-hard, or desperate).

    • LOL Yeah, I’m trying to imagine men randomly dropping of gifts on women’s doorsteps without a hint of sexual intent and it just isn’t happening. The day that happens we will probably also see pigs fly. I can see why he’d do something seemingly innocuous, such as donuts too.

  7. That being said, if it were me, the most I would reply to him would be a simple thank you, and I wouldn’t rush to even say that. He needs to be much more consistent in his behavior before I would allow myself to get to emotional over it all.

  8. Guys and their mindgames… I’d either throw them away (if you can’t resist) or let the kids go nuts on the donuts (hopefully they won’t leave any leftovers). That takes care of the weight-loss issue, as for his intentions, I wouldn’t read too much into it. He is not worth your time. I would give him the flick and not look back. If he keeps pestering you with presents or texts just ask him politely and firmly to leave you alone.

    • I still have feelings for him so it’s not like I just want him to leave me alone. It’s like he’s opening a wound that had just started to close up. I’m still very hurt by the way things ended with us. At this point though, I feel like the donuts are something I can just sort of shrug off. Will see if he does anything else in the future.

  9. I finally had a chance to catch up on one or two of your posts…damn life can get in the way of fun sometimes. This is totally a manipulation box of donuts. He was playing with you while you were together, and he’s trying to play with you now. He wants his cake, and to eat it too. If he was being nice to your kids, he would have sent them a gift, or, as a previous commentor said, he would have been nicer to you in the first place. He seemed to be clued in to you pretty well, and he knows how to push your buttons. Know that he wants you on his hook, and act accordingly, whatever that means for you.

    • Yeah, I am afraid that is probably what it is. :/ Haven’t heard from him since but he did look at my profile on the swinger site. I managed to ignore it for several hours then finally decided to go ahead and peek back at his. Big mistake. I could see that he’d been validated by yet another woman he’d obviously slept with and I suspect that’s what he wanted me to see. Almost like he is bragging. Not sure why he feels the need to do so when he’s the one that ended things and I’m hurting already.

      • Not sure if my previous attempt to comment went through or not…if not, what I said was something like: Don’t waste your time on the Prof unless he comes to you face to face with a legit apology and makes a sincere effort to win back your trust and your affection. Anything else is much less than you deserve, and a mind game on his part.

      • Thanks and I agree. If he can’t be bothered with more than dropping a box of donuts at my door he doesn’t really care all that much anyway. Not worth my time and investment.

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