Rock bottom

depression04

Well, if I was sinking low before, now I’ve pretty much hit rock bottom.  The only way from here is up, right? :/   Please say yes.

The past couple of days have been an emotional nightmare.  First, the married man got me all excited about a meeting with him and then let me down.  Following that, I discovered, last night, that the Professor has for sure been fucking someone new and they are all excited about each other.

I shouldn’t have looked at his profile.  I’ve resisted the temptation for the better part of the past 5 weeks, but took a peek once or twice before.  Last night, I saw that he’d received a new validation and he happened to be offline so I went to take a look (disabling the feature that would let him see I’d been there).  Sure enough, a woman that says she has known him awhile, just now got to know him “much better” and that he is quite the “lady pleaser”.   She wrote that like a week ago.

I wanted to throw up, or maybe kill myself.  I’m not even joking, but I wouldn’t do it because I love my kids.  You don’t have to worry about Lovergirl offing herself but the feeling was definitely there, the thoughts.  My heart sunk to my knees.  I went to look at her profile and his comments about her and he called her “hot”, which he hadn’t said about me on mine (though he did about the married lady).  All he said about me was that I am not as shy as I appear, which again feels like an underhanded insult.  I’m not really shy but I’m very sensitive to people’s perceptions and his making me feel that way at swinger parties inhibited me from acting like myself.

This woman is married too, and tiny, like under 100 lbs and very short.  So was the married lady.  He would refer to me as “tall” though I’m only 5’6” and now that really feels like an insult, like I’m some kind of a giant.  Not only is she smaller and skinnier but she’s 6 years younger than me, blonde, married and lives nearby.  It’s definitely the nail in the coffin.  I could never get naked in front of him again after seeing all that and his use of exclamation points when referring to her as “hot!!!”  Makes me feel like he must have never been that attracted to me or my body.  I’m wishing now that I’d never given him that video of me masturbating for his birthday or let him videotape us during sex.  I feel so old and ugly and fat.

In any case, at least I know now that there is absolutely no hope of reconciliation.  It’s pretty obvious I never meant shit to him.  It hurts like hell and from now on I need to proceed as though he were dead to me.  Dead.  I almost wish he were.  It might be easier than facing this kind of rejection.

Wanna hear what happened with the married man? He contacted me earlier in the week saying his wife was going to be out of town and he wanted to get together.  Awesome, right?  We are talking about the best sex of my life here!!  He’d mentioned that the week before when I was in town too, saying it would be easier for him then because she’d be gone.

Okay, so I was willing to make accommodations and try to get up that way again, for him.  I worked things out so that I could head up there Friday night.  He had offered to help with gas.  My ex was going to take the kids.  It all seemed great.

Earlier in the day Friday, he texts and asks if I’m up for a threesome.  I asked with who and he didn’t have a picture but described his “friend” as a slim, 21 yr old, dark skinned, girl with a round butt” and said she was into females.  I said okay, thinking, if I am going to have a FMF threesome he’d definitely be the person to do that with.  He’s excellent in the sack and I know no one would leave disappointed.

Well, all seemed well but then he didn’t text for several hours and before I was getting ready to take my kids to their dad’s I texted to make sure we were still on.  He didn’t answer for a long time and I said I need to know for sure before dropping off my kids.  Then he texts and says sorry he was working but did I still need money for gas?

I said yes and he asked if it was okay to do half and I said yes, anything would help, even though he acts normally like he has plenty of money.  He’s the same guy that was offering me $3,000 a month to have his baby.  I’m thinking this is weird, but okay.  I asked if the other girl was still coming and he said no it would just be me and him.  Not a big deal.  Then he wanted to know if I was staying the night and I said I could if he wanted me to.  He was like “give me 10 min and I will call you”.

Then……NOTHING.  I was sitting here waiting to either take my kids or not, because if I took them and he cancelled that would leave me with no time to schedule with anyone new, and no free time other than that all weekend.   If I was going to see him, I’d have to get going pretty soon, since it is a long drive.

I waited about 30 min and then texted and said sorry I don’t mean to be pushy or anything but I need to know soon because of the situation with my kids or it could potentially ruin my entire weekend.  Nothing, no answer.  Thirty minutes later I texted him again “???”  Still nothing.  Finally I was like, “fucked up, wow” and cancelled with my kids dad.

About an hour and a half later I was working out at the gym and get a text from the married man claiming “I am sorry, I left my phone in the car and thought I had it with me”.  Please!!  Give me a fucking break!!  Does he think I’m retarded??  WTF?  I ignored his text and 30 minutes later he sent me another one “I take it I f’ed up”.  Yeah, dude, you fucked up.  I’m not even sure your sexual prowess is going to make up for that one this time.

It’s NOT the first time he’s done something like that either.  It’s like the 3rd, or maybe 4th.  The other times I let slide because I figured it had something to do with him being married, plus he’s so freaking good in bed!  But now his wife was out of town and that was just downright disrespectful.

My best guess is that he had a bunch of options for who he was going to sleep with and someone closer or maybe that he liked better followed through so he had no need of meeting me or paying for my gas or any of the extra that would entail since I live farther away.  Still, the very least he could have done was let me know SOONER THAN THAT and not leave me hanging.  Being left hanging makes me so anxious and stressed.  It’s so FUCKING RUDE.  So at this point, yeah, I may even be done with HIM forever.

My vibrator is starting to look like a way better option than sex right now.  Dealing with men’s bullshit is just getting beyond what I can bear.  I feel like becoming a nun.  A nun with a vibrator, lol.  I’m not willing to give THAT up.  At least I can still get off, even if I end up with a houseful of cats.

Anyway, I’m feeling like crap but I didn’t want to mope, so after all that and most especially after reading the stuff about the Prof, I decided what the hell I will throw out a Craigslist ad.  I have looked on the swinger site and actually had three different guys who wanted to meet with me this weekend from there but I had avoided responding because of the married man and plans with him.  So I guess in a way I did something similar to what he did to me, only I didn’t leave them hanging at the last minute, which is important. VERY FUCKING IMPORTANT, sheesh!

SO my Craigslist ad, yielded quite a few results.  I put in there that I wanted a man who knows his way around the bedroom and a woman’s body.  One of my first responders was a super- hot, black Puerto Rican (that’s what he calls himself, he looks kinda mixed) man who just moved here (he is military) from Alaska.  He’s 38 and seems really nice and cool so far and we have a date planned for tonight.  I like that he wants to take me out for a meal first even after my NSA sex ad.  Good deal and a sign that he’s maybe not a total asshole and is a gentleman.  Hoping he’s also good in bed!!  Wish me luck!!

After agreeing to that I have gotten a couple other men that actually interested me who also responded.  Lots of emails of course and my ad was flagged, but it took longer than usual.  Anyhow, one of the guys sounds promising and is trying to convince me to drop my date tonight but I don’t want to disrespect Mr. Hot Puerto Rican so I told him maybe another night.

So maybe this little blitz will yield some new fun results.  I did find my fuck buddy off Craigslist after all and he’s pretty much my saving grace at the moment, the only guy that is keeping me from becoming a total man hater.  He’s cool as a cucumber and the sex is great and he’s never disrespectful or hurtful, even though we aren’t emotionally connected.  Makes it seem like men in general just suck in the feelings/love/relationship department, but what else is new?  😛  Maybe I do too. 😦

2 thoughts on “Rock bottom

  1. You know what, it does get better and my gut say you are feeling this low because… you are about to experience a great shift in the way you think and deal with relationships. This is a wonderful time to put guys off for a while and work on you – if you believe in such things as the fates this might be the reason for the onslaught of disappearing and less than pleasing men, the STD, though the heartache is rough – you deserve the time to mourn that relationship and try harder to not assume what The Prof was/is feeling or thinking because I am certain he didn’t set out to break your heart. You will never know and should go easier on yourself and stop beating yourself up. It’s a hard cycle to break but I’m a firm believer that people who get this low come back up with some pretty good solid choices to change their futures.

    My other question or rather suggestion would be next time you are about to drop the kids off and your date fucks up – do it anyway. Don’t you think the alone time would be healthy, a break from being mom and freedom even if only for the night to do something for yourself. It would also get your ex in the habit of you dropping the kids off (and im sure the kids do love to be with their dad) and meaning it.

    Okay guy bailed but rule number one with married guys who cheat (and I have been with married guys) they are lairs. I am rather confident six months from now you will have some pretty solid rules for yourself and how you deal with others so that you are not constantly disappointing – after all the only thing we can control is ourselves.

    Man I really do wish you luck with all this, it has been somewhat difficult to read you going through this stuff but I am cheering for you to come out the winner!

    • Thanks Pyx. I appreciate the kind and thoughtful words. I hope you are right that there is about to be a period of change for the better.

      As for the deal with my kids dad, it’s a pain in the butt. My kids hate going there and my 13 year old had actually run off last night and tried to avoid going and I had to round him up beforehand. After finally achieving that victory, the married man dips and it was like fuck it. The kids complain that he just sits them in front of the TV and doesn’t pay any attention to them and they are bored. Plus if I don’t send food he won’t feed them or gives them very little. Most times he insists I send food, even though the divorce agreement actually has it written in there that he has to provide it when they are visiting, per my request. He knows I don’t have the money to take him back to court over stuff like that and will provide it rather than let the kids go hungry.

      Anyhow, he doesn’t take them a full weekend like he is supposed to, ever. He will only occasionally agree to overnights. Most times it is only a few hours at a time and that is my only few hours all week that I have a chance at some human adult contact. He treats it like he’s babysitting for me or something. So if I take them Fri night there is no way he will keep them on Sat. or Sunday. Like this time, I managed to cancel so they will go there tonight instead for a few hours (but not overnight) and I can at least go on a date, so long as Mr. Puerto Rican doesn’t bail.

      I have been stood up or had plans fall through in the past and tried to fill the time but it was lonely and miserable. Unless I have some money to go shopping (and he won’t take them until after 6:30 at night usually, so a lot of places are closed anyway) then I’m stuck with nothing much to do except maybe clean my house and that is NOT relaxing. I do that all the time anyway. There’s really not a lot I want to do for myself other than have sex, lol, or at least not things that don’t need planned ahead of time or done earlier in the day. Even shopping alone imparts a terrible sense of loneliness.

      I agree, married men are liars, and I know that and I know they are flaky and I know HE is flaky, but it still ruined my night. Ugh! Topping it off with this stuff with the Professor? Yeah, totally not cool. I know you say not to make assumptions and I probably shouldn’t but it is hard. I feel so betrayed by him. He made out like he FELT something for me and it was all a hoax.

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