8 thoughts on “Not up to blogging

  1. Hey you. Hang in there, okay? I know things have been crappy for you lately and that you’re having a hard time dealing with some emotions regarding what happened with the Professor. I’m so sorry. I know that time is the only thing that will truly help, but just remember that this too, shall pass.

    Remember when you were “in love” with the MM or the “affair guy”? (can’t remember which guy you were with for about 4 years….sorry!) Well, that passed, didn’t it? I am NOT saying that lightly. Please know this. I’m saying it b/c when we are in pain, it is sometimes hard to see either the silver lining or to remember that other things have worked themselves out too. Sometimes I’ve hurt so bad that I’ve literally said “F the Silver Lining”! I get so sick of life “lessons” and trying to learn and grow and be positive through it all. And that’s why now, I don’t fight my low moments as much. Obviously I have to do things and try to find “peace” because I am a mother now. But I try to remember that feeling low for awhile, won’t kill me. I try to feel my way THROUGH my moods and issues now, instead of numbing myself out like I used to. There is no pressure to blog or date or doing ANYTHING that isn’t just being GOOD to yourself.

    You are a wonderful person. A wonderful mother. You are always so kind and welcoming on your blog. You have dealt with so many major things in your life, and have not let them get you down. I am SURE that you have emotional scars and damage that you don’t show the world, but I’m just saying that you are STRONG. I do not know many people, with a history of yours (Both your childhood AND your marriage) who could still be a basically happy and functioning person today. I am serious. So if you get low, it is okay. Remember that it is not always going to be this way. I know that your mother has a history that concerns you, and I get that. I HAVE struggled with depression before as well and it is in my own family too. So I am not making light as if you are just having a shitty day. I know you need to still try to pull yourself up by the boot straps and move on. BUT….just don’t beat yourself up inside. (if you are.) I say that b/c I know that when I am low, I can really do too much thinking about negative things about MYSELF. Please treat yourself with the same kindness that you show so many others. You deserve that.

    As for the Professor…..I AM sorry that things turned out this way. Who knows why or what changed. I do not think it was anything you did though. Relationships (of ANY kind) are hard. Do you know how many times I’ve freaked out and texted things that I later regretted to my MM? Too many times to count. We are HUMAN beings with feelings and just b/c we are in non-traditional relationships, does not mean that things aren’t hard or that we should just “deal with it” if things hurt or go bad. You most likely dodged a bullet here and I know it doesn’t help to hear that RIGHT NOW. But he showed you who he was. It has NOTHING to do with who YOU are. I have a very difficult time sometimes remembering that I cannot control other people’s choices and decisions. I don’t mean my friends etc….but in my relationships. I cannot MAKE my husband get help so that we can SAVE our marriage and thus my children’s home life. I cannot MAKE my MM make a choice to be with me or even talk to me more, if that is what I am needing.

    I was on vacation last week and did A LOT of thinking and reading and read an excerpt from a book that really caused something to click inside of me. I know that this post is long and I hope I haven’t said anything annoying or that has upset you or offended you. It’s really just my way of showing support and concern and letting you know that you are not alone and that you are loved by many. Your readers, your kids, your friends, your family. Many people love you. If one guy chooses NOT to be in your life…..it is HIS loss. And I know anger and blame are not the answer either. But it really is his loss. It could even have been something as simple as HIM realizing that your feelings for him were going somewhere that he KNEW he couldn’t go with you….and choosing to end things so that he didn’t hurt you more. Obviously if this was his plan, then he could have at least had the decency to tell you this or WHY. But, men aren’t always like that. People in general aren’t always like that. I know the feeling of trusting someone and what they say and what they do and then feeling as if you have had the rug pulled out from under you! It isn’t so much that they maybe don’t want to “see” you, it is that they end up being someone that you didn’t think they were. That hurts the most. Along with losing the friend you thought you had. I have been there. It even causes you to question your OWN judgement wondering how in the hell you could have been so blind to WHO a person really was. (and please know that when I use the word “you” I am speaking in generalities….not about YOU specifically!)

    I’m sorry for the rambling. You don’t have to post this comment or you can even delete it. But I just want you to know that I am here for your…..way out in blogland. I know that probably sounds weird too, but I just want you to know that if you need someone to talk to, who knows about your life and understands different types of relationships without judgement, I am here. You can always email me. And again, I am not trying to be all weird. I just sincerely care about you and your well being and want you to know.

    Since this comment is SO LONG (shocker!!) I am going to post the excerpt from that book that I spoke of in another comment. Hang in there and be good and kind to yourself, okay? This will pass. You WILL feel better overall, soon. Life is and can be good, even in the midst of the storm….remember the calm does come.

    (((hugs to you)))

    • Yeah, it was the affair guy and boy did we have some ups and downs! There was a time when we didn’t talk for 3 months straight and I think I cried every night. I was so upset but we eventually resumed our relationship. Now we talk occasionally and there is still SOMETHING there but it’s not the same. I still love him, just not “in love” in that intense way anymore.

      Thank you for all your kind and thoughtful words. I know it will get better eventually, no matter what the outcome. I miss him terribly but at the same time I realize some things just aren’t meant to be and if it is then things will work out in the end. Like you said, I probably just need to feel my way through all the emotions and get it processed.

      I had just bought a handful of books on polyamory and open relationships and I can’t even make myself read them right now. I was halfway through one of them when we got into our argument and I kind of wonder if reading it didn’t make me feel entitled to certain things he just wasn’t willing to give. I like to think that he actually did care about me and probably misses me too but I’m not sure either one of us is willing to bend right now, at least enough to continue what we had going on.

      • I’m not just saying this, but I absolutely think that he genuinely cared for you and does miss you as well. I never thought he was a bad guy, and actually really liked him, through your writing anyway. The only thing about the entire thing is that I feel as if he did owe you some kind of explanation or a follow up call of some sort, outside of the heated exchange after the incident. Ya know? I mean, after 9 months with someone, arguments are bound to occur, but I just wish he would have at least followed up with a check in, or how are you type call or text. Just something that said that he still cared and wanted to be friends etc….so that you guys could at least move on, without a sense of discord between you. I’m sure you do too. And maybe one day he, or you, will decide to just reach out and make a general attempt at peace or to be friends.

        And I understand the stubborn thing. My MM and I are BOTH very stubborn, especially when we BOTH get hurt over something. Although I must give him credit, as he is the one who taught me how to stop “stonewalling” and that NOT talking through things or refusing to talk to him, wasn’t healthy. He taught me how to admit when I had made a mistake and to simply say I’m sorry. He did this by always being there for me, no matter what I did. He never shut the door on me. Obviously he, and the relationship has it’s own set of negative qualities, but I guess I’ve grown up a little and learned how to take the gift out of the experience. Even the negative ones. I’ve learned that there is ALWAYS a gift, if we are open to it.

        I’m glad that you know that this too, shall pass. And I hope that it does quickly. 🙂

      • Yeah. In this case, I DID apologize, when we were arguing but he wasn’t accepting it so I let him go. I mean, at that point there didn’t seem to be much I could do. He apologized for hurting me (over text) but seemed to think it just wasn’t going to work. He kept saying this was hard for him too and yadda yadda, so maybe it was, IDK. According to him this was exactly what he was trying to avoid (I guess he meant the drama and hurt feelings). He made some comment about it being harder for him to find people to play with regularly too. Well, duh, but I guess that is his choice.

  2. Obviously I read this excerpt and applied it to my OWN situation with MM. I have really let go and accepted that things are what they are. And honestly, I don’t really even want to see him anymore. I don’t long for him or really even miss him that much. I’ll always love him, yes. But the situation just wore me down, internally, over time. I am not suggesting that your whole mood is only due to the situation with the Professor. I know you’ve had other issues come up too. But the part in this book that am going to quote, really helped me to realize that I have to simply life MY life, and stop worrying about how other’s choose to live theirs.

    “Detachment is a loving act and quite often a very difficult one. Usually we have to consciously make the decision to let someone else chart their own course and thus define their own life. We mistakenly think that since we are traveling together, we should be able to influence the direction a friend or lover takes, but that’s not the case. Possibly, our opinion will be sought, and in some cases, adhered to, but there are no guarantees. We travel side by side because of the lessons we share, and one of the lessons we all have to learn, it seems, is that we cannot control the actions, the opinions, or the decisions anyone else makes.

    Initially, this seems like a bitter pill to swallow. Our security feels tied to the choices or loved ones make. Are they going to leave us out of their plans, abandon us perhaps? As we grow in wisdom, however, we realize how very fortunate we are that what others do is not up to us, nor does it define us. Living one life, OURS, is enough to handle. Only after experiencing the freedom of letting others be free, can we truly understand the gift of detachment.”

    -Quoted from: ” Let Go Now….embracing detachment” by Karen Casey.

    I love the book b/c it is written page by page, as meditations or thoughts for the day. You can read 10 of them or 1 of them or all of them. You can skim through and find what you might need for any given day. You can journal or reflect on them, anytime. At the bottom of each page, after the author writes on a subject, there is basic 2-3 sentence summary of the thought, for the reader to maybe reflect on or repeat throughout the day.

    The small thought on this page says: ” To be disengaged from what others are choosing to do will give me extra time to do what I need to do today. That’s the primary lesson I am here to learn. I know it and believe it. I will practice it today.”

    As I said…this page spoke to me, b/c of my struggles regarding my own relationship with MM. The only reason I shared it with you, is b/c I know that letting go of the Professor and accepting his decision, has been harder for you than you thought. I hope something I said today helps you to feel just a tiny bit better, in even some small way. I highly recommend this book. It has references to “God” in it, but is not a truly “religious” book. It is written in a way that you can interpret God as whatever it is that you believe in, or think is in control of the universe, etc…..I DO believe in God, but don’t necessarily find highly religious books all that helpful in my own case.

    Sorry again for the LONG message. Take care of you.

    • That quote was definitely thought provoking. Thank you for sharing it with me. We CAN’T control what others may do and a lot of issues in relationships stem from attempting to do that. Sometimes letting go is the best choice. Then you know if someone stays or makes the choices that you hoped they would it is because they WANT to be there and don’t feel pressured.

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