You’re gonna miss what you had…

It’s ten days in and I haven’t contacted the Professor.  I hope he’s miserable.  I hope he’s realizing what a dumb move it was to dump me and how hard it will be for him to find a replacement.  Sure, he can go around banging these old married ladies but none of them are ever going to compare to me.  I mean, not to be conceited, but…if everything guys tell me is true then I’m not such a bad “catch”. 

PLUS, he will always have to deal with their husbands, with a man involved, whether he is watching or taking pictures or into threesomes or just telling his wife whether or not she can play that day.  There aren’t a lot of single women in the Lifestyle either.  There’s a reason they are called “unicorns”.  He can’t even get into a lot of the swinger parties without a woman as a date.  No one else is going to be as accessible as I was and the majority of single women outside of the Lifestyle are not going to be near as easygoing about coming along for the ride. 

Every single man I meet that is on the swinger site WANTS me to come to a party with him! The fuck buddy has asked me as well as the married man and the officer and a couple guys I’ve gone on dates with or talked to.  They all seem to be looking for a swinging partner. I’ve always said no in the past because I didn’t want to show up with anyone other than the Professor.  People already were treating us as though we were a couple and I felt like it would be disrespectful.  He said himself that he got a lot more offers and attention when I was there with him. I think he deserves to be knocked upside the head, lol.

Even barring all that, he also told me I was some of the best sex he’s ever had in his life.  So it’s not just me that will be missing out on that little perk.  Take that!

Oh, and he’s a man.  For the most part women aren’t coming up to him and seeking him out for sex.  He has to go looking and looking and looking and put up with all kinds of rejection in the process.  Me, not so much.  There is a lot more chance of him ending up lonely and by himself than me.  Yes, he’s fabulous in bed but no one is going to be aware of that until they agree to have sex with him and even then some people just really do have more chemistry than others

I don’t really know why men think I’m good in bed but they keep telling me that.  The officer actually texted me today to tell me “your sex game is amazing”, LMAO.  

Then he wanted to know if I had another woman I wanted to bring in on the fun. :p  Men are so funny.  They all seem to think women like fucking their girlfriends and that we are going to have one on hand to share guys with.  Yeah right!  I can’t think of anything more likely to cause drama in a friendship than that, even if I were so inclined. 

Anyhow, he’s also missing out on the daily companionship and affection from me.  Sure he can get that from the married woman too, but she’s far away and limited in her interactions with him.  She’s not going to bring him by a meal when he’s sick or physically be there to touch and tease him except on rare occasions.  I mean, it was over six months since he last had sex with her, assuming he’s telling the truth.

The majority of our interactions were fun and lighthearted and sexy and affectionate.  I think I’ve written about most of the drama.  If that’s too much for him, well, there is a lot he could have done to prevent it so I feel like it’s partially his choice.  Yes, I have things I need to work on and I’m not forgetting that but I don’t want to take ALL the blame either.

Last month I slept with 4 guys.  The Professor, my fuck buddy, the guy I met off Craigslist that had the smallish cock and the Officer. I also went on a date with another guy and though I didn’t get to write about it, I did end up going back over to his house for a kiss.  He was the guy that gave me the flowers. He had said how much he wanted to kiss me and asked me to stop by so I finally did and we kissed for a few then I left, lol.  Haven’t heard from him since, which is odd, but again we both were having breakups and I didn’t feel any real chemistry. 

My grandmother, the night after our first date, informed me that at some point I had accidentally dialed her number on my phone and that she was sitting there listening to our conversation “for 8-10 minutes”.  Lovely!  LOL  She told me she heard him talking about his girlfriend, so apparently she knows I was out with some guy that had a girlfriend who is pregnant with another man’s (possibly) baby though it could also be his.  Wonder if she heard anything about Craigslist??  At least it was a fairly tame conversation, lmao.  I can only imagine if I’d been there with the Officer or something…..eek!

The Professor did look at my swinger profile once so far.  Wonder what he was thinking?  I do miss him, a lot, but I’m also pretty hurt and as the days go by I feel more angry.  Maybe I am getting over him, that is one of the stages of grief. 

I was looking at the swinger site tonight and guess whose profile I came across?  The DJ stalker guy I wrote about in Stopping the Stalkers! And guess who had validated him and said they were FWB?  One of the women that the Professor has told me he played with before!  Hilarious!  I guess I shouldn’t be surprised since there are a limited amount of folks in this area on that site and it would make sense that we might have the same taste.  She had also told the Professor she really liked that guy I went out on a date with but thought smelled?  Ewwwww…. 

The DJ is pretty good looking and has nice pics.  He was just….crazy.  Of course with this woman being married also he probably didn’t act like such a nutcase and wasn’t trying to get her to be his girlfriend! With her husband around he probably wasn’t going to hold her down and refuse to let her get up or go in without a condom when she was insisting he should wear one.  I think there are a lot of benefits to having a more serious man in your life if you are going to play this way. 

Doing it as a single woman is definitely a lot more risky, not just physically, but emotionally.  I definitely would have felt a lot safer if the Professor had wanted to do this from the framework of having a “relationship” but he didn’t want to give me that. That’s really what the gist of our coming to an end had to do with.  I couldn’t handle it without a more secure base to work from.

My other option is to just keep emotional distance from everyone and I can do that when I set my mind to it.  If I’m not attached to anyone it’s not going to hurt so much to be rejected or feel abandoned.  Still, it’s one of the reasons I stay away from FMF threesomes, thus far.  I had that one experience where I felt left out and it killed me to the point that I am very afraid of going there without the reassurance that the guy involved is super into ME. 

Maybe it would be different if I just come in as a third wheel though so far I have shied away from that too.  There is this guy I have texted with back and forth that has a really nice body (per his pics anyway) who texted me a picture of a girl he has played with before and asked me if I’d consider a threesome with them.  I saw her pic and was thinking um, no way.  This girl looks way younger than me and clearly hasn’t had kids and it’s like I so don’t want to be the old hag in the interaction that gets “left out”.  Yeah, no thanks!  The only time it sounded more appealing was when the married man wanted me to join him and his wife, lol.  Because in that case I just wouldn’t feel the jealousy.  However, she might.  Plus, he’s good enough in bed for the both of us and then some!

 Dangit I wish he was free on weekends.  Gonna have to figure something out here soon with him. 😉 Talked to him recently and he says he wants to see me but no solid plans.  The FWB is off to another state again and the guy I had the affair with is stuck at home for an event with his kid.  He invited me to come along actually, but I don’t think I will, lol.  I should be up that way in a few weeks anyway.

Of course my trusty fuck buddy is still around and the Officer should be swinging back this way shortly.  I wonder though, if I will end up alone and depressed for the weekend.   Maybe it’s time to hit up Craigslist?  Or perhaps I will just spend it getting my massage and nails done and taking one of my kids on an outing that we’ve planned.  Guess I will see.  I don’t want to sleep with just anyone and still want to be choosy.  I know all too well how decisions on sleeping with someone made in haste sometimes end up in regret. :p

11 thoughts on “You’re gonna miss what you had…

    • Haha….hmmm… I guess that remains to be seen. My only experiences with anal were pretty bad but I was young, the guys were rough and both times they were “surprise attacks” lol. I was 13 the first time and 16 the second. Each time I got lightheaded and dizzy and nearly passed out/threw up. I didn’t like the feeling at all. There was nothing pleasurable about it to me.

      For the right guy, if I trusted him and he was gentle I might go there again but right now it doesn’t sound too appealing. Mr. Officer was trying to tell me how if you do it right it isn’t so bad but I’ve heard all that before. :p

  1. I can see you’re still hurt (to be expected), but you seem to be working through it. Keep it up!

    it’s funny – I get those ‘do you have a female friend to share’ types of questions a lot too. And, in fact, during several different periods of my life, I have had such friends. We’d have 3-somes and 4-somes and moresomes together on a regular basis, and it worked for a long time. until it didn’t (for various reasons)… I’d like such a friend again!

    • Yeah I’m trying :/. I can see how having a girlfriend that liked to play with guys with you could be a lot of fun! 🙂 Just can’t think of anyone I know these days that would be down like that, lol.

  2. That sucks. 😦 It sucks that you had such a connection and still miss him so badly.

    I know you’ve already addressed this, but I wonder if getting close to a man in the swinger lifestyle is the best choice for you (and the abandonment issues) long-term? I understand that you like to “play” and are good at enjoying sex while remaining detached, but I think you may always have problems when you begin to develop deeper feelings for a man in this lifestyle.

    I have no direct experience with the lifestyle, but I would think the best way to keep this type of man is to be somewhat aloof for the first year or so. Share and connect and stuff, but I would refrain from putting any pressure or expectation on him regarding who he is with or what he is doing. By virtue of the lifestyle I think you should expect they want a lot of freedom.

    I also wouldn’t allow the man to put any sort of constraints on you either and what you are doing.

    You sound like you are wonderful in a relationship and, through time, a man in the lifestyle would want to become exclusive with you. But I think it will feel demanding/needy to him if you apply pressure in any way in the beginning. They are not looking for a conventional relationship with all the considerations that go along with it in the beginning.

    Just my .02 🙂 Again, I have no experience with it, and could be completely wrong, just speaking more from a relational/psychological perspective.

    • Thanks Cecilia. That sounds like good advice. I do have a hard time when I start to get attached to someone and really I DO want something more than just casual fuck buddy sex with a guy. The Professor and I were only seeing one another for 9 months and I guess I just started to get too attached. 😦

      I do miss him, very much, but if he felt the same I’m sure I’d hear from him and I’m not. :/ He was wanting to put constraints on me too and even admitted so. But like you said guys in that lifestyle are probably more seeking freedom. I don’t really know how to find someone who is actually what I want. It may never happen. Maybe it’s more likely with him gone though.

      I know with the abandonment issues its probably not good for me to get involved with anyone so need to work on those. Kind of hard to do though when you aren’t in a relationship because they don’t come up! It’s also lonely just having sex with people and NOT being in something with someone to me. I do tend to be overall pretty relationship oriented and WANT that in my life.

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