Archive | May 2013

Don’t look back…

bridgeonfire

Well, things have come to a final close with the Professor.  My hope is gone and I know it’s over.  He tried to act polite and maybe even lead me on a little with our most recent discussion, but I asked a male friend to look over our texting transcript and give me his honest opinion.

 Basically, he told me I was giving too much weight to the little scraps of hope and that the Prof was being a tad dishonest.  Like one time I asked him straight out if a comment he made meant he still liked me and he said “sure”.  I asked “sure? lol “ and he claimed his phone had changed his “yes” answer to “sure”.  Considering the possibility of that is about zero, yeah, he had to be full of shit.

Anyhow, the whole interaction left me feeling pretty awful, even though he purported to be having a hard time too.  His actions belied his words.  Without a man to interpret that for me I probably would have continued grasping at straws.  It was hard to accept reality, but it also took a huge weight off my shoulders. 

I’m finally done.  I don’t think there is any going back now, even if he changed his mind.  The respect I had for him has kinda gone out the window and I feel betrayed and hurt and don’t want to mess with it again.  I asked him to delete the videos he has of me and he said he would.  Then I told him to forget he ever met me.  He gave some lame reply about how he wouldn’t forget, which I didn’t respond to.  As far as I’m concerned he can fuck off.

I broke down and cried after the conversation, and again last night when my head hit the pillow, but it’s different.  I don’t want him back. I have no desire to check up on him, I just want to stay far, far away.  Only once do I remember having a breakup this painful and it hurt me for YEARS.  I can’t allow that to happen. 

My self -esteem has taken quite a blow but Lovergirl always hits the ground running.  I’ve got an interesting new prospect in the wings.  Actually, he is someone off the swinger site that has an uncanny resemblance to the Professor.  I almost ignored him because of that and the issues I’ve been having with him but decided not to let that affect my decision.

In an interesting twist of fate, he has also been validated on the site by the married woman that sees the Professor.  I’m not sure what that means exactly, as he has a LOT of very positive sounding references from the ladies.  I have no idea how well they might know each other but he does live up in her general direction. 

At first this kind of put me off, because I’d like to avoid dabbling in the Professor and this woman’s social circle for the time being, but at the same time, if I want to hook up with anyone off that site or at parties it is probably something I will have to face eventually.  SO, I’m like, fuck it, I’ll just do my thing and not worry about that.

I had sex once before, with a man who had been validated by the married lady.  She had great things to say about him online but he and I didn’t hit it off very well at all.  He drove 4 hours and got a hotel to come fuck me but it wasn’t the greatest experience.  I didn’t find him to be my “type” and he didn’t follow through on the promises he made for the bedroom.  Like he said he would give me a full body massage and go down on me.  Never happened.  The most exciting moment of the night was when the condom snapped off and got lost inside me for a minute.  I also can’t assume that just because we have the same taste in the Prof we’d be similar with other guys.  Still I’m sure there are going to be SOME overlaps in that area. 

Anyhow, let me tell you all about the new guy.  I’m kind of excited, but well, you’ve seen how that plays out for me sometimes. Don’t want to jump the gun here too much! Trying to keep in mind that it may be another let down, but it’s fun to imagine anyway.

The recent prospect lives a few hours away.  We haven’t met yet and due to circumstances it will be a couple of weeks before we do.  His car is in the shop because of a minor accident and I’m expecting my period to arrive next week (unless it’s 6 days late again!) In any case it seems like forever right now but we have been doing a lot of texting and I like his personality.

His rave reviews on the site are definitely a big factor in my interest, lmao.  A few women mentioned his expertise in using all of his tools properly and how he rocked their world.  Yeah, I can handle that ;).  His looks, well, at first I thought he looked a little too much like the Professor, but on closer observance I’d say he’s objectively better looking.  I don’t think most people would be all “damn he’s hot” when looking at a picture of the Prof but my emotions colored my response to him. 

So “hot” wasn’t my first thought but he is definitely do-able.  He has some kind of job that involves strategic planning at an Army headquarters and I guess he’s the boss.  He also flew a helicopter in Iraq and Afghanistan, which is pretty damn cool, so from now on I’ll probably refer to him as “the Pilot”.

He’s been in “the Lifestyle” for 4 years, and is 40 years old.  According to him, he would love to find a woman that would attend parties with him occasionally.  I’m not opposed to that, just need to watch out that I don’t end up in a similar situation as I did with the Professor, if we do hit it off.  I’ve asked him a few questions to try and see where his head is at and so far so good.  He tries not to get emotionally attached but loves the feeling of connection with the women he plays with. 

Sexually, we seem, so far, to be a really good match.  He likes to dominate, and our likes and dislikes appear to be similar.  He’s not particularly into anal, can take it or leave it (yay!) and loves to eat pussy (my kind of man!).  He asked me what my “limits” are and that question always throws me for a loop because you are never sure what kinds of activities they are imagining.  Apparently my answers were entertaining.  Like I said that I didn’t like anyone biting my nipples, no fisting, don’t slap me in the face or call me names and he laughed and said he wasn’t planning anything like that! 

He did admit to having fucked quite a few wives and having it videotaped and he said he doesn’t mind incidental contact with males but doesn’t want any intentional touching.  This led me to ask if he has tried DVP (double vaginal penetration).  I have no interest in it myself but am kind of morbidly curious since the Prof and another man have told me they have done so.  Sure enough, he says he has, twice, with one couple.  He said the woman really enjoyed it but it wasn’t particularly his thing or anything.  Gosh, this is more common than I would have thought, or else he and the Prof and the other dude are all talking about the same couple!  Ha!

He told me an interesting story about a swinger party he attended in a small town about an hour and a half away that has a population of like 2,000.  I guess they had a party there a couple of years ago that was specifically for white women who were into black men.  It was on a farm out in the middle of nowhere, and he says he fucked 7 women in a row and ended up breaking the couple’s bed.  Hmmm…  haha.  Well, at least we know he’s got some stamina.

In any case, he’s planning on driving here, getting a hotel for the night and taking me out to dinner and for drinks.  I’m looking forward to it.  In the meantime, he texts quite a lot and keeps telling me how interested in me he is, so I guess that’s good news.  Hopefully nothing gets ruined during our two week wait.

His pictures were nice but the first pic he sent of his cock I was thinking it didn’t look all that big.  Yet, he made a comment about how my pics made “all 8 ½ inches stand up” so maybe it’s an illusion.  Also I was thinking he needed a trim around the pubic area but maybe it was just the lighting and background because the next pic didn’t look bad.  Idk, I kinda like a bit of manscaping because it’s easier for me to do what I wanna do to him, but I’m not asking him to shave it all off or anything.  Actually, not saying a word, haha, but thinking.  Maybe it was the lighting effect of the supposed pubic fro that made his junk look shorter than he says. 

Wish me luck though, it seems so far that this one has some promise to develop into something fun and maybe more than just a one night stand.  In the meantime I have to figure out what I am going to do with myself this weekend!  I have been chatting back and forth a bit with a guy that says he takes Boudoir photos, but he is going to be gone too.  I know that sounds sketchy and I even met him through Craigslist, but he actually seems pretty professional and you sign forms and whatnot and get a cd of touched up images.  He’s trying to build a portfolio.   I would so love to have some pics like that of myself.

I don’t know, despite my insane amount of horniness lately (I haven’t had sex in 3 weeks!!) I may decide to take a little healing break and spend some time alone or shopping for cute clothes and lingerie or even a new vibrator, rather than go on a date this weekend.  Don’t count on it though, will see what happens next. 😉

Versatile? You better believe it!

Versatile Blogger Award

I love the Versatile Blog Award, because I think it really DOES describe me! I’m versatile in a lot of ways, in and out of the bedroom. 😉 This is my second time receiving this award and I am quite flattered!! 😀

A special thanks to Jack Joseph’s Mom for nominating me! I encourage you all to check out her blog. As someone who has suffered a rather traumatic miscarriage myself, I really feel for her. Even though I already had children, it affected me quite a bit. I passed my 8 week old baby/fetus onto the bathroom floor and wasn’t willing to let it go for a while, finally burying him/her in a little box in my yard. You could definitely see the features of my little developing baby, still inside the sac. I took pictures and everything.

To people who haven’t experienced something similar I’m sure it seems morbid, but that was all a part of processing the grief. I wanted to show everyone the baby and the pictures and not everyone wanted to see, which I understand, but to me it was important to acknowledge that my baby was real. I thank her for helping open people’s eyes and understanding.

On to the award! I again get to give 7 facts about myself and nominate 15 fellow bloggers! Woohoo!! In keeping with the spirit of versatility, I’m going to start out with some ways in which I fit the description.

1. From a very early age I was exposed to a lot of different people, cultures and ways of life. I was born in Hawaii, which is a melting pot in its own right, where people don’t wear shoes in the house and Polynesian and Asian traditions and languages mix in with a hodgepodge of others. Eventually we moved away and my mother married a man from South America, who barely spoke English. Of course, with him came his family and their traditions. So this little white girl had an Abuela and Abuelo and a zillion aunties, uncles and cousins. Later, my mother married a black man and I was immersed in a different subset of American culture. His family may have been less than thrilled that he was married to a white woman, but as for me, being a child, I was accepted and brought into the fold, again amongst a multitude of relatives. My mother’s mother is part Greek and my father was part Native American so add that to the mix and you can see how I grew to easily adapt.

2. Probably because of all this, I’ve always found it relatively easy to feel at home with different groups of people. In my teen years I could be found at all black parties (other than me of course) in the hood, or across town living it up with the rich white kids. The next day I might be running around with my Mexican girlfriends or drinking with the Natives. I could be seen with a group of friends with blue and green hair, mowhawks and various piercings, or with some sorority girls, depending on the day. During my married years I blended in with the conservative church folks and we lived surrounded by Amish. The only people I really seem to have a hard time relating to are redneck country people and hicks, lol. Not that I haven’t tried, it’s just the mindset seems harder to understand.

3. However, being the “white kid” growing up did have its disadvantages, lol. Occasionally it got me “drafted” into doing things my dumb ass should have said no to. As in “hey, Lovergirl, you’re white! Why don’t YOU return these stolen items to the store and get us some money! They’ll believe YOU!” Or “hey, let’s go to McDonald’s and Lovergirl can tell them they got our order wrong, so we all get free food!” I was a little too willing to go along with these schemes, lol, perhaps due to my overly kind, accommodating nature combined with lack of fear and faith in my ability to appear “innocent” but hey, most of the time it worked! It’s even been “here Lovergirl, hold my gun while I run into this gas station” and sweet talking teachers or the police. Yeah, I guess I’m blessed with a lot of pure luck too, lmao.

4. Speaking of stealing, I went through a phase as a teenager where I did some unsavory things, and that was one of them. I had a girlfriend who could walk into virtually any store and rob them blind. As far as I know she still does. My sister said awhile back that she asked her if she “needed anything” when she went shopping, lol.

From her, I learned some tricks. For one, she used to walk into a store, with no makeup on and just use whatever they had available to get ready to go out for the night. Like she’d be opening up eye shadows and mascara’s and lipstick, just putting it on there in the store, with no concern about whether or not she got caught. She’d finish with a spritz of perfume and off we’d go to a club or something, lol. SMH…..

I loved her to death but I even caught her stealing clothes from ME. Eyeroll…. Anyhow we used to walk into grocery stores and just walk out the door with 2 liters of pop, chips, whatever. One time another girlfriend and I filled an entire grocery cart, with things like pot pies and such and threw some empty boxes on top. Me, being the “white girl”, went up and sweetly asked the manager if it was okay for us to have these boxes and he said yes. So we took all of our loot and loaded up! Bad, bad!

5. Oh, that wasn’t the only thing. I worked in a donut shop and a savvy (this time white) girl taught me how to pretend I was ringing up a dozen and only charge for one donut, pocketing the rest of the money. I also handed out tons of free dozens to friends, rationalizing that they threw away so many anyway, that it wasn’t that big of a deal. It’s true that they trashed huge bagfuls of donuts at the end of every night and because of some stupid regulations couldn’t even donate them to homeless people, who would instead come digging in the trash can after hours. Oh, and the friend who showed me how to pilfer the money? She went on to become a teacher, then a scientist and now a lawyer…hmmm… I knew a preacher’s daughter too, in college, who would take stuff from Walmart all the time.

6. I also went through a “car-hopping”, as we used to call it, phase. We never stole much of any real value, but we did dress in dark clothes, tape our fingers and break into vehicles to see what we could find. Stupid, just stupid, lol, considering most of what we ended up with was spare change anyhow and at first we were actually dumb enough to use scotch tape. ::: slapping forehead :::

Thankfully I outgrew all of that. I think I’ve mentioned before that my mother never has. She is a total klepto. If that is a real disorder, then she has it. She even stole a freaking VACUUM CLEANER for my baby sister’s new apartment. How the hell, in this day and age do you get away with that? I don’t even want to know…

7. I feel like I need to redeem myself here, lest you lose all respect for me, haha. Really though, now that I’m all grown up I’m pretty straight and narrow. I try and avoid all illegal activity. My focus is on being a good mom and example.

I still enjoy talking to people from all walks of life and the accompanying diversity. So let me proceed with introducing you to some more of the many interesting blogs out there!!

1. A True Unfolding
2. His Princess 307
3. Inner Musings of a Scarlet Woman
4. Love, Sex and Marriage
5. Ding Dong, its Mr. Wrong!
6. My Life as I Know It
7. Of Fries and Men
8. Secret Diary Of a Girl
9. Research to be Done
10. The Narcissist’s Blog
11. A Girl Named Clay
12. The Bad Wife’s Guide
13. Diary of a Lolita
14. Mr. Guy Pants
15. Ask Miriam

Ahhhh….inspiration!

inspiring blogger2

Yes, yes!! I’ve been nominated again, for the 3rd and 4th time, for the Very Inspiring Blogger award!! What does this say about me and my blog? That I’m inspiring folks to get off their butts and quit sulking, go to a swinger party, fuck someone you met off Craigslist, just do the damn thing!! 😉 Trying to follow that advice myself as well right now, haha. 😉 Someone, hit me over the head!

A world of thanks to Speaking out on Nate and Betty Homebanger for presenting me with this prestigious award and helping to inspire ME out of my doldrums! You are both awesome and I love your blogs and everyone should check them out! A special thanks to Betty, because your name has inspired me to recall the dreaded fate of Blow Job Betty back in the day in the infamous song by Too Short. Perhaps this will save me, somehow, from choking to death on a throatful of cum. We all owe her a moment of silence this Memorial Day.

In any case, I love this award because I get to come up with 7 random facts about myself all on my own, no hard questions, lol. Then I get to pass it on to 15 deserving bloggers. I love to try and pick new ones each time, to give some variety to my readers and let them see the world of inspiration that is to be found out there amongst talented writers.

Most of the people I follow talk about things sexual, but not always. Lovergirl is a variety kind of gal, afterall. I enjoy reading and discussing all sorts of topics. Keep peeling back the layers because there is always more to find out about me! I’m like one of those little nesting dolls, where you open it up and there’s another one inside, and another, and another, it never ends.

So what should I tell you about me this time? Hmmmm….

1. I’ve fucked several sets of brothers. I can think of at least three families where I have had sex with more than one of the guys, and that is just off the top of my head. I’ve done cousins too, but I’ve never done a guy and his dad. What got me thinking about this is a photo I saw of a guy that used to like me (we never actually had sex, no idea why, I would have) and his dad at a family BBQ yesterday on Facebook. He’s a cousin of the guy I had the affair with too (and I’ve slept with several of HIS brothers, lol).

Anyhow his Dad looked freaking hot to me. I was thinking I’d like to fuck HIM, lmao. He’s got to be pretty old because the guy in question is at least 3-4 years older than me and this is his DAD, but he doesn’t look it. I’m thinking he must be one of the guy I had the affair with’s uncles too.

Damn, something about the guys in that family. I have a real affinity for them, but then so do half the women in that town, lol. Affair guy’s dad has like 20 kids with like 8,9, 10 or more women and HIS brothers were apparently fucking the town back in the day too, so, they get around, which makes it even more feasible. Hmmm…you never know…

Hey, and this is the INSPIRING blog award! Maybe I can inspire you all to do something similar 😉 Keepin it in the family? LMAO

2. I don’t think I’ve ever broken anyone’s heart. I mean there have been guys who were all into me and I wasn’t feeling it, and stalkers and the like, but I’ve never broken up a relationship with things like “it’s not you, it’s me” or “this just isn’t going to work out” type statements. It was always either the guy dumping me or some kind of big blowup, like where he got another girl pregnant or tried to choke me for confessing to cheating on him or something. Even my marriage, I filed for divorce but it wasn’t until after HE fell in love with another woman and after him saying in marriage counseling that he would leave me and the kids for her if she’d be with him, that we went there. I’m pretty tenderhearted and really hate to hurt people.

3. I’ve never asked a guy out, except for ONE time there was this guy in high school that I had a crush on. He was in my Spanish class and we’d kind of flirt every day, so I thought he liked me. Plus he was smoking hot with a really nice body and a wrestler.

I don’t know if I actually “asked him out” but I told him I liked him, over the phone. Turns out he was dating a girl that lived down the street from me and I didn’t even know it, but he took me out anyway, which was kind of weird, lol, but okay. Like, he said sorry, he had a girlfriend but then asked me to go somewhere with him and took me on a little date. I don’t know if he just felt bad for me or if he secretly kind of liked me, I think it was a bit of both. I think we actually went out twice.

4. I smoked a lot of pot as a teenager, but other than that never really got into drugs. I mean, I tripped on acid a couple of times and smoked some wet a handful of times or occasionally pot laced with coke. Oh, and one time I smoked crack, but it was by accident.

How the hell do you smoke crack by accident, you ask? LMAO But really, it was on a plate with a bunch of other stuff at this drug dealer’s house. My friend was dating him at the time and we just grabbed the wrong stuff and a bunch of us girls were there. We didn’t realize it until too late and we noticed the smell. Then of course we stopped, but…oops!

Considering my parents both have/had drug issues that is pretty tame. I’ve only smoked pot once as an adult (past the age of 19) at a swinger party. I was out in the car with this crazy wild girl, haha and already drunk off my ass. I think all of my siblings smoke pot but not I. Last time I went to visit I was sitting on the bed in my sister’s room while three of them got high, but I didn’t even do it then.

5. I’m really not a big drinker. I will get drunk occasionally, but usually if I drink it’s a glass or two of wine. I especially love Moscato D’Asti or D’oro. Oh and I like Margaritas or Vodka and cranberry juice or lemon drop shots. The Prof has made me Midori sours too and I like those a lot too. Back when, I used to down a lot of Jack Daniels and Lemonade or Kamikazi’s. Nowadays, I drink maybe once or twice a month.

Back in the day I got drunk a lot more, before my marriage, but was more into smoking pot. In any case, my very first episode of getting completely wasted, I was 15. My grandmother was out of town and my girlfriend and I invited over a couple of guys (which later turned into a big party with us as the only females). One was my boyfriend at the time and the other was this 21 year old guy that lived across the street. He brought the alcohol.

We played Quarters and I was losing badly and ended up downing half a bottle of kiwi- lemon mad dog, half a bottle of Wild Irish Rose and half a 40 oz of Old E. I paid dearly for this and not only had sex with my boyfriend but later got near raped by another guy and eventually woke up half naked in my bed after throwing up all over the place.

One of the things I remember though, was sitting on the couch with my 40 oz and a bunch of guys my age and a little younger were all around me trying to get a sip. There were like 8 of them and some of them were trying to kiss on me. In walks a few more guys and one of them was a brother of the guy I had the affair with.

He was like “DAMN girl, you are a PLAYER, look at you!!” and for the longest time he gave me hell about that at school. It was hilarious. LOL Even fairly recently, he loves to tell people stories about me and some of the other things I have done, though I’d say he exaggerates. He told my sister that he and I had sex but that’s not entirely true, we just 69’d one night when we’d been goofing off for a while and he went to try and fuck me but came before he ever got inside me.

6. I’ve had a lot of guys exaggerate our sexual escapades (what else is new, lol). One in particular claimed to everyone that I gave him head when he was outside my bedroom window. In reality, we were making out and I just jacked him off till he came. It would have been quite a feat for me to hang upside down from the window and give him a blowjob that way but nevertheless my supposed flexibility skills became legendary. 😉 Dang, a blow job like that and I really could have ended up like old Betty 😉 HA!

7. I love, love, love riding roller coasters!! The bigger and scarier the better. Nothing like the feeling of that BIG DROP! It’s such a rush, lol. I haven’t been on one for a while but I always enjoyed them and other similar rides at amusement parks.

One time, when I was maybe 12 or 13, some friends and I got dropped off at an amusement park for the day with no adults in sight and rode the same big coasters, over and over and over (it was like a weekday and not too many people there). At one point I decided to not only hold my hands up in the air but put my feet on the front of the car as well. Someone saw this and they stopped the whole ride and a guy had to climb up to the top of the hill to tell me it was too dangerous and I needed to put my foot down.

Also, thinking of the guy I mentioned above (the one that used to call me a player), one year at the county fair he and I must have ridden the “gerbil cages” as I like to call them (no idea what that ride is actually named) 20 times. It’s that ride where you have the control to flip your own car over while it is also spinning around and around and you are in this little “cage”. It was nighttime and we kept riding together, trying to flip it over and over as many times and as hard as possible. Amazingly, neither of us ever threw up, lol.

It was fun though, having someone who was just as enthusiastic as I was about getting our thrills on, most people would get tired. I’m so not a “shopper” at amusement parks. I want the exciting stuff!! I hate it when folks wanna look around at all the little trinkets and do boring crap.

Well, that was random! LOL but I guess that’s the point!! While I’m writing a blog post I guess I should mention the good news. 

I texted with the Professor last night. I’m the one that initiated it but it was really, really good to hear from him again. I wasn’t going to do it but since we’d already looked at each other’s profiles I thought now or never.

I said I was glad he has found someone new (not!) and he said he hasn’t that they were people he’s known a long time. I didn’t ask more questions about that. In any case, I was really, really happy to learn that he got the new job he’d applied for before. It is perfect for him and he will be making like 12,000 extra per year. I’d been secretly rooting for him with that one even since the breakup.

I know everyone says it’s better to pretend you are doing wonderful if you want to get back together with someone but I didn’t do that. I just said I was going to be honest and admitted I’d been kind of heartbroken but that I know it will be okay in the long run. He said he was sorry, that he hadn’t wanted to hurt me and I told him I know.

I’m not sure where things will go from here. He sounded like he was missing me too. I said I hoped he had a good summer and that it was kind of hard to say goodbye again after not talking for so long and he agreed, saying “it’s really hard”. He’s actually away visiting family in another city for the holiday but he still took the time out to text with me. Maybe that’s a good sign, but I also don’t want to get my hopes up. Keep your fingers crossed for me anyway. I really think he and I could work things out if he was willing.

I said I’m not one of these people that has it all together, that I am flawed, insecure and needy for love and affection and definitely a fixer-upper. He was like “It’s ok. Trust me I have my issues too. I’m not close to figuring out much of anything. Hell, I need a lot of work”. In any case, I miss him, though I didn’t say it, I think it was pretty obvious. I feel kinda like he wants me back too.

Okay, enough of that! Before I forget or go on too long, here are the wonderful winners of the award that I am passing on!! Congrats to all of you and hope I’m inspiring my readers to check you out!! 😀

1. Accidental Masturbator
2. Because I’m a Whore
3. Dominant Soul
4. Eroticnoire
5. Gemini Words
6. Letters to My Lover’s Wife
7. My Puzzled Life
8. Passive Aggressive Abuse
9. Red, Red, Apples
10. Ten Years In
11. The Invisible Woman
12. The Mommaleh
13. The Wandering Mind
14. Theo Black
15. Tixarah

My latest Craigslist date

uncomfortable date

Last night I went on a date with a Puerto Rican man I met through the casual encounters section of Craigslist.  I had posted an ad saying I was looking for a man who really knew his way around the bedroom and a woman’s body and he was one of the first responders that seemed attractive so I agreed. 

The first picture he sent me had sunglasses on.  He looked cute enough but I wasn’t sure so I requested one where I could see his eyes.  I hate it when guys use pics that don’t show their eyes.  He obliged and from the pic he looked pretty hot! 

I said I preferred to meet first in public to make sure we were both who we said we were, so he offered to take me out to dinner.  Good deal and he seemed really nice.  There was no mention of sex, but I was kind of assuming that was in the cards if things worked out, considering the nature of my ad and that it was in the NSA section of Craigslist, lol.

From the discussion we had beforehand he sounded like a pretty good guy.  He is 38, military and just moved here from Alaska for a job where he supervises men on the shooting range.  He has a degree in Graphic Arts with a concentration on social sciences and small business administration.  Previously, he was stationed in Afghanistan and Iraq and says this is kind of a “break” for him.  All this made him sound reasonably decent and normal so I was looking forward to meeting.

A lot of other men responded to my ad and I wasn’t interested in most of them, but there were a couple more I kind of liked.  One in particular, who was trying to get me to drop my date and come see him instead, but I didn’t want to be disrespectful so I told him maybe at a later time.  Eventually my ad was flagged and taken down, as usual.  There were also a couple of men from the swinger site who were going to be in town and one even emailed me during and after the date wanting me to meet him at his hotel room but I wasn’t so sure about that one anyway and didn’t respond.  By the time I got his messages I was already on my way to pick up the kids.

Anyhow, Mr. Puerto Rican seemed dependable and sure enough he showed up when he said he would, riding into town on his motorcycle.  He lives where there is a military base, about an hour and a half away.  Actually, my fuck buddy is there too and maybe the bulk of the more attractive men in this area.  Us ladies can always count on military bases for an influx of fresh meat. 😉 The ex-cop came from that direction as well.

Like a lot of guys, he wanted ME to pick the restaurant.  Understandable, since he hasn’t been to this town in over a decade, but I hate it when men want me to choose.  It’s like, he’s paying and I don’t want to pick anything out of his price range, so I don’t know what to say.  I know restaurants that I would love to dine in but it would make me feel bad if he spent tons of money and I ended up not wanting to have sex. 

I wasn’t sure so he suggested we meet downtown.  A lot of the restaurants there are pretty pricy and I kept thinking of this really nice Italian place where the Prof dropped about $75 on me for our first date, but I wasn’t about to suggest that, and honestly thinking of him just hurts right now.  Even anything close to there would remind me of him. 

My indecisiveness caused him to say he’d be waiting for me at a gas station and he gave me the address so I drove there in my super cool minivan (ha) and pulled up next to his bike (which actually is pretty nice).  I smiled and waved and got out and talked to him for a few.  He was wearing sunglasses and I had to ask him to take them off again so I could see him better.

He looked like his picture.  His face was attractive but not as attractive as I’d imagined in my head.  He was clearly built and muscular, though he was wearing a leather jacket and it was like 80 degrees.  The thing that got to me was his VOICE.  It wasn’t the Puerto Rican accent, though he did have one, but the nasally sound of it.  Almost like one of those cartoonish depictions of a Mexican, lol. Visions of Cheech and Chong in Up in Smoke danced in my head.  I could almost hear him say “hey man, am I driving okay? Man, I think we’re parked!”  He didn’t say “man” though, haha.

He stood at about 5’8”, which is the same height as a lot of the guys I’ve slept with/dated, including the guy I had the affair with, my fwb, my fuck buddy, the Professor.  However, I was in a sundress and heels (I think they are about 4 inches) and felt unnecessarily tall.  I think I was just getting that “vibe” from him that he didn’t like it.  My fuck buddy is like that too, when I wore heels on a date the minute we got to the hotel room he was like “take those damn things off” because he didn’t like me being too tall.  I’m only 5’6” but lately a lot of people have been making me feel too tall.  WTF?  Sure enough, he later commented on my height, saying he was expecting me to be shorter.  Sigh….

Anyhow, I suggested maybe we get Mexican food, but he wasn’t down with that.  He said Puerto Ricans hate Mexican food and spicy stuff.  Okay then, Applebees?  LOL  He agreed and said he would follow me there. 

Unfortunately, though the drive would normally have been about 5 minutes, it ended up being much longer because we got stuck in the middle of some kind of parade/car show.  Meanwhile I’m kind of watching him follow behind me on the motorcycle and trying to decide if there was any chemistry between us.  I wasn’t really feeling it.

FINALLY we arrived and since it’s in the middle of this little show going on it was PACKED but we managed to get a seat fairly quickly.  The waitress arrived and he was complaining to her about them not having drinks large enough for him.  He didn’t order any alcohol but I got a mango margarita and some margarita lime chicken and he got himself one of these triple appetizer plates PLUS a full meal that he proceeded to scarf down.  By now he’s taken off the jacket and his shirt is covered with spots of sweat.  I can vaguely smell it from across the table.

He spent almost the entire time talking about himself.  I didn’t get much of a word in edgewise so he later decided I was “shy”.  Dammit.  Clearly I’m coming across this way to guys lately, but it’s really not the case.  I guess I’m situationally shy sometimes but mostly I was just listening to him and asking occasional questions.

During the course of the conversation it came out that he is MARRIED.  He is married to a 22 year old Russian woman who is trying to get her green card and he says after another year, when she gets it, they will divorce.  Meanwhile he says she spends all his money on purses and shoes and doesn’t do anything and that he feels he is a good guy for not making her work like a slave, as other men would do.  :::Blink, blink:::::  He goes on to tell me how he could be beating her and stuff but he doesn’t.  Gee, how thoughtful and kind of him.  Then he goes into detail about the amount of extra money he gets from the military for having a wife. 

Also, he mentions how aggressive he was/is growing up and how women always told him he is “crazy”.  Gee, that’s encouraging me to want to sleep with him…not!  He adds that he got his first wife put in jail.  Later he says it’s because she attacked him out of jealousy and went after him with a gun.  He said she was holding it up against him and he was holding her back and unloading the gun with his other hand while bullets were dropping all over the floor, then she chased him to his car and he ran out there half naked and she was beating on him and another guy came out there with a gun pointing it at him thinking it was his fault and the police showed up.  Nice story for a first date.

Oh yeah, and he told me his “secret” for when women attack him.  He says he just grabs their purse and throws it out a window or door because women care so much about their makeup and stuff that they will run after the purse rather than attack him and then he has the upper hand and can lock them out or whatever.  According to him this “always” works, as apparently he has needed this technique frequently.

He talks about how he grew up Catholic and was supposed to be a priest but that didn’t happen due to everyone saying he was too aggressive and violent.  He tells me women love violent and aggressive men that beat them and he thinks the secret is that they are good behind closed doors ::: wink, wink:::  Some comments are thrown in about how all “Hispanics” run their own “business” and he does that too.  It sounded like he was alluding to drug deals, though he didn’t outright say it.

He went on to describe his secrets for picking up women in areas like this.  Pretending to need help with things like square dancing lessons and country line dancing because they LOVE it when you try to dance like them, but he really doesn’t care for country music.  Bahahaha….  Offhandedly, he mentions that all men are secretly “evil”.  He says there really are no good men in the world, that if you put them behind closed doors they would all do bad things and sleep with underage girls.  I hadn’t brought up the topic, he did it all on his own, lol, so I asked if women were the same way, secretly “evil” and he said no. Damn.  He did say though that usually we are bipolar.  That is why women attack guys all the time.

Given his philosophies on life he was strangely non-sexual.  I was quite relieved that he didn’t try anything on me, though also surprised.  Maybe he just wanted my feminine company, a listening ear?  Or maybe he wasn’t attracted to me?  WTF?  Am I that bad?  Sheesh.

Afterwards, he suggested we watch the parade for a bit and talk. At some point an 11-12 year old girl came up and wanted him to take a picture of her with his motorcycle and he obliged and was friendly.  He asked me what I thought about him and at first I kind of shrugged and said IDK, and he was like really?   Anyway, I thanked him for dinner and said I needed to get my kids and he gave me a peck on the cheek before leaving.  He asked when I am available and said maybe we could meet another time. He later texted that he’d had a good time and thank you!

It kind of reminded me of the guy who gave me the flowers and showed virtually no sexual intent but now and then hits me up again saying he likes me.  HE actually texted me during the date asking if I was free and I didn’t respond until afterwards but he didn’t try and meet then.  I don’t get it.

It’s killing me that I’m having such dry luck and the Prof is off having the time of his life when he’s the one that hurt me in the first place.  Yes I did sleep with a couple of guys since then, but nothing worth continuing.  Ugh.  I think I wanted him to know he hurt me because I deliberately went and looked at his profile this morning and made it where he can see that I did.  I have no intention of talking to him further, just wanted to make it clear that I saw. 

It was probably dumb and maybe now he’s gloating over that fact, but if he cared at all I’d hope he’d also have some guilt.  I would have felt kinda bad if the Jamaican guy had verified me on the site and he saw that, even though I view the breakup as more his fault.  Part of me might have been feeling vindicated but I also would never want to hurt someone that I loved and cared about.  He’s a guy though so probably just wanting to drive the knife in deeper, or reveling in the fact that he outdid me.  I don’t know. 

I know I should leave it and him alone, and that doing otherwise probably makes me look desperate and pathetic.  So I’m not planning on looking any more.  I may even avoid the site altogether after today.  Just had to do that one little thing.  Maybe reach out enough that if there is anything left or any chance I will hear from him again, he will let me know.  I doubt it, but will see.  :/  I just checked though after writing this and he did look back at mine.

It’s not that there aren’t other men in the world and I don’t know that eventually I could find a great one, it’s that I really still have feelings for him.  I thought we had a really good thing and I wanted it to work out so badly.  Why does it have to be so hard? :/

Rock bottom

depression04

Well, if I was sinking low before, now I’ve pretty much hit rock bottom.  The only way from here is up, right? :/   Please say yes.

The past couple of days have been an emotional nightmare.  First, the married man got me all excited about a meeting with him and then let me down.  Following that, I discovered, last night, that the Professor has for sure been fucking someone new and they are all excited about each other.

I shouldn’t have looked at his profile.  I’ve resisted the temptation for the better part of the past 5 weeks, but took a peek once or twice before.  Last night, I saw that he’d received a new validation and he happened to be offline so I went to take a look (disabling the feature that would let him see I’d been there).  Sure enough, a woman that says she has known him awhile, just now got to know him “much better” and that he is quite the “lady pleaser”.   She wrote that like a week ago.

I wanted to throw up, or maybe kill myself.  I’m not even joking, but I wouldn’t do it because I love my kids.  You don’t have to worry about Lovergirl offing herself but the feeling was definitely there, the thoughts.  My heart sunk to my knees.  I went to look at her profile and his comments about her and he called her “hot”, which he hadn’t said about me on mine (though he did about the married lady).  All he said about me was that I am not as shy as I appear, which again feels like an underhanded insult.  I’m not really shy but I’m very sensitive to people’s perceptions and his making me feel that way at swinger parties inhibited me from acting like myself.

This woman is married too, and tiny, like under 100 lbs and very short.  So was the married lady.  He would refer to me as “tall” though I’m only 5’6” and now that really feels like an insult, like I’m some kind of a giant.  Not only is she smaller and skinnier but she’s 6 years younger than me, blonde, married and lives nearby.  It’s definitely the nail in the coffin.  I could never get naked in front of him again after seeing all that and his use of exclamation points when referring to her as “hot!!!”  Makes me feel like he must have never been that attracted to me or my body.  I’m wishing now that I’d never given him that video of me masturbating for his birthday or let him videotape us during sex.  I feel so old and ugly and fat.

In any case, at least I know now that there is absolutely no hope of reconciliation.  It’s pretty obvious I never meant shit to him.  It hurts like hell and from now on I need to proceed as though he were dead to me.  Dead.  I almost wish he were.  It might be easier than facing this kind of rejection.

Wanna hear what happened with the married man? He contacted me earlier in the week saying his wife was going to be out of town and he wanted to get together.  Awesome, right?  We are talking about the best sex of my life here!!  He’d mentioned that the week before when I was in town too, saying it would be easier for him then because she’d be gone.

Okay, so I was willing to make accommodations and try to get up that way again, for him.  I worked things out so that I could head up there Friday night.  He had offered to help with gas.  My ex was going to take the kids.  It all seemed great.

Earlier in the day Friday, he texts and asks if I’m up for a threesome.  I asked with who and he didn’t have a picture but described his “friend” as a slim, 21 yr old, dark skinned, girl with a round butt” and said she was into females.  I said okay, thinking, if I am going to have a FMF threesome he’d definitely be the person to do that with.  He’s excellent in the sack and I know no one would leave disappointed.

Well, all seemed well but then he didn’t text for several hours and before I was getting ready to take my kids to their dad’s I texted to make sure we were still on.  He didn’t answer for a long time and I said I need to know for sure before dropping off my kids.  Then he texts and says sorry he was working but did I still need money for gas?

I said yes and he asked if it was okay to do half and I said yes, anything would help, even though he acts normally like he has plenty of money.  He’s the same guy that was offering me $3,000 a month to have his baby.  I’m thinking this is weird, but okay.  I asked if the other girl was still coming and he said no it would just be me and him.  Not a big deal.  Then he wanted to know if I was staying the night and I said I could if he wanted me to.  He was like “give me 10 min and I will call you”.

Then……NOTHING.  I was sitting here waiting to either take my kids or not, because if I took them and he cancelled that would leave me with no time to schedule with anyone new, and no free time other than that all weekend.   If I was going to see him, I’d have to get going pretty soon, since it is a long drive.

I waited about 30 min and then texted and said sorry I don’t mean to be pushy or anything but I need to know soon because of the situation with my kids or it could potentially ruin my entire weekend.  Nothing, no answer.  Thirty minutes later I texted him again “???”  Still nothing.  Finally I was like, “fucked up, wow” and cancelled with my kids dad.

About an hour and a half later I was working out at the gym and get a text from the married man claiming “I am sorry, I left my phone in the car and thought I had it with me”.  Please!!  Give me a fucking break!!  Does he think I’m retarded??  WTF?  I ignored his text and 30 minutes later he sent me another one “I take it I f’ed up”.  Yeah, dude, you fucked up.  I’m not even sure your sexual prowess is going to make up for that one this time.

It’s NOT the first time he’s done something like that either.  It’s like the 3rd, or maybe 4th.  The other times I let slide because I figured it had something to do with him being married, plus he’s so freaking good in bed!  But now his wife was out of town and that was just downright disrespectful.

My best guess is that he had a bunch of options for who he was going to sleep with and someone closer or maybe that he liked better followed through so he had no need of meeting me or paying for my gas or any of the extra that would entail since I live farther away.  Still, the very least he could have done was let me know SOONER THAN THAT and not leave me hanging.  Being left hanging makes me so anxious and stressed.  It’s so FUCKING RUDE.  So at this point, yeah, I may even be done with HIM forever.

My vibrator is starting to look like a way better option than sex right now.  Dealing with men’s bullshit is just getting beyond what I can bear.  I feel like becoming a nun.  A nun with a vibrator, lol.  I’m not willing to give THAT up.  At least I can still get off, even if I end up with a houseful of cats.

Anyway, I’m feeling like crap but I didn’t want to mope, so after all that and most especially after reading the stuff about the Prof, I decided what the hell I will throw out a Craigslist ad.  I have looked on the swinger site and actually had three different guys who wanted to meet with me this weekend from there but I had avoided responding because of the married man and plans with him.  So I guess in a way I did something similar to what he did to me, only I didn’t leave them hanging at the last minute, which is important. VERY FUCKING IMPORTANT, sheesh!

SO my Craigslist ad, yielded quite a few results.  I put in there that I wanted a man who knows his way around the bedroom and a woman’s body.  One of my first responders was a super- hot, black Puerto Rican (that’s what he calls himself, he looks kinda mixed) man who just moved here (he is military) from Alaska.  He’s 38 and seems really nice and cool so far and we have a date planned for tonight.  I like that he wants to take me out for a meal first even after my NSA sex ad.  Good deal and a sign that he’s maybe not a total asshole and is a gentleman.  Hoping he’s also good in bed!!  Wish me luck!!

After agreeing to that I have gotten a couple other men that actually interested me who also responded.  Lots of emails of course and my ad was flagged, but it took longer than usual.  Anyhow, one of the guys sounds promising and is trying to convince me to drop my date tonight but I don’t want to disrespect Mr. Hot Puerto Rican so I told him maybe another night.

So maybe this little blitz will yield some new fun results.  I did find my fuck buddy off Craigslist after all and he’s pretty much my saving grace at the moment, the only guy that is keeping me from becoming a total man hater.  He’s cool as a cucumber and the sex is great and he’s never disrespectful or hurtful, even though we aren’t emotionally connected.  Makes it seem like men in general just suck in the feelings/love/relationship department, but what else is new?  😛  Maybe I do too. 😦

Sinking low

drowning

I’ve been having a hard time even bringing myself to update my blog lately.  I think the depression stage of getting over a breakup has been hitting me hard.  Not to mention anything that reeks of “depression” TERRIFIES me. 

Realize that I am the daughter of a woman with depression so severe that she has gone to the point of near death by suicide twice, and you might understand why.  I would do virtually ANYTHING to avoid feeling “depressed” and sometimes behave recklessly rather than allow myself to wallow.  It took me less than 3 weeks to contract a freaking STD after the way things ended with the Professor and I’m trying not to be like that, but it vacillates. 

I keep going back and forth between anger and tears.  For a while things were falling apart at home. I couldn’t get things done and my daily routine completely flew out the window.  I’ve gained weight; my sleep schedule has been crazy. I feel like I can’t function.  I don’t know what’s wrong with me, but I do. 😦

This past weekend I went home to visit for my brother’s graduation.  My period not only started late and interfered with things but wanted to hang on, causing spotting and me feeling like a bloated balloon all through the time I could have met with the married guy or the one I had the affair with. 

I talked with both of them but we ended up not getting together.  Partly due to my period, and partly due to other factors but I just didn’t have the motivation to make it work.  Instead I hung out with my siblings and family.  Of course, I enjoyed that but for me not to be that excited about sex with these guys is HUGE.  It is so not like me at all to be apathetic about sex and most especially when it’s with someone that is the best of my life or that I’ve been emotionally so into in the past.

I’ve been so despondent.  Things with the Professor hurt me a lot more than I would have thought and I think I liked/loved him a lot more than I even wanted to admit to myself.  I am emotionally just CRUSHED that things turned out the way they did and still so confused as to why.  I feel like all the life has been sucked out of my body.

Somehow I’ve been managing to get through the days, mostly not breaking down until I’m lying in my bed at night.  Then I just sob my heart out.  I’ve been staying up really late, I think to avoid having to face the thoughts in my mind when I’m alone in bed.  Then I get woken up early by the kids and I just look a hot mess.

My sister did my hair yesterday and that has been helping me feel a little better.  I had her brighten it up a bit with warmer tones and I love it.  It’s sort of a coppery brown with golden highlights, which is closer to the natural state of my hair as a kid.  We’d been trying to avoid the natural reddish undertones that my hair tends to pull beforehand but I think it looks much better when I let them shine and brightens up my face and goes better with my green eyes. 

So it has been cheering me up a bit and I came home and got quite a bit done yesterday after unpacking.  Oh, and my grandma gave me some natural supplements that are supposed to help with weight loss.  It’s really just the 15 lbs or so that I keep losing then gaining back but I want to get rid of it for good.  I’ve never tried dieting really or pills but maybe these will help and they are natural so we will see.  I work out several days a week and take my Zumba and pole dancing classes and stuff, but right now it doesn’t seem to be helping. 

My diet has admittedly suffered though these past few weeks.  Then of course, I’ve had bloating from my menstrual cycle.  I dropped off like 5 lbs this morning from yesterday so that is going down and helping me feel a little better too. I do tend to hit a depressed state that time of the month and gain some water weight which makes me feel like crap.

I keep wanting to say I’m on my way to getting over this but I’m really not sure.  There are days when I feel like I am doing better but then nighttime falls and I am a wreck.  Ugh.

I’m still not lacking for men that want to talk to me.  There is a swinger guy I may or may not meet with next weekend and my fuck buddy texted to ask where I’ve been and says he misses me.  The married man says his wife will be out of town soon and the guy I had the affair with was really disappointed that we missed each other.  Then there is that guy I kissed awhile back who gave me the flowers.  He’s been emailing me again.  Oh, and I got a text from the guy with the small dick (I should probably think up a nicer way to refer to him, lol) wanting to see me this weekend too.  Plus there’s this other guy who just got married, but has been talking about flying me out to see him for quite a while.  Lots of prospects, just need to get over this pesky broken heart. :p

The guy I had the affair with has been kind of cracking me up.  His texts are interesting.  He’s gone back to being really possessive lately, even though we haven’t seen each other in like 6 months and rarely talk.  Out of the blue he’s telling me I’m his and he doesn’t want to share.  I just sort of laughed it off and he was like “Lovergirl, I’m serious”.  I’m not sure how to take that.  I used to love his possessive attitude towards me but right now it seems so far removed.  I had said if he wanted it to be his he was going to have to come get it (meaning get your butt down here soon, lol) and he said “I am going to come get it!! And I’d better not find out someone else is getting it or there will be problems”.  What??  Men, I swear they are so weird sometimes.  Why would he act territorial NOW, when we’ve not been an item for a long time?

Anyhow, I’m trying not to think too much about what the Professor has been up to.  Obviously he doesn’t want to talk to me or he would.  It has been over four weeks now since we’ve spoken to one another.  He seems perpetually always signed on to the swinger site but I think it’s always been like that.  He was on my “friends” list there so I’m used to seeing his name as “online”.  I think it must just mean his phone is on or something.  I try to stay away from his profile, his house, anything like that, no matter how tempting it is to look.  Everything about thinking about him makes me feel so disappointed and hurt. 

Who knows?  Maybe he’s spending all his free time with that married woman now or playing with whomever off the swinger site.  I guess I know one thing for sure and that’s that he never really cared that much about me or the friendship in the way he pretended to.  He’s never even bothered to check and see how things are going with all the stressful stuff he knew was happening here at my house with my oldest child. 

This really isn’t doing much to help my trust towards men in general.  I feel betrayed because he ACTED like someone who really liked me but then just turned on me and disappeared when it didn’t fit his agenda.  I don’t understand why, if he just wanted to be FWB, he would do all that stuff for me and get involved in my daily life and act like I meant something to him.  They always say you can judge a man’s feelings more by his actions than his words but in this case I guess I should have been listening to his words and ignoring the actions.  I’d much rather he never have done all that stuff and given me hope if he didn’t mean it.  :/