Does he miss me?

I happened to look at the swinger site tonight and saw that the Professor had viewed my profile. I wonder why? It’s bringing all sorts of feelings up that I’ve been trying to push aside.

I know it could mean nothing. Maybe he was just checking to see if I’d removed the little blurb I had on there about HIM. Before, I’d put down that I had someone I play with sometimes, if anyone wanted to play with us together and gave a brief description. I took it down the other day when it seemed like stuff was truly over with us.

I haven’t talked to him for 5 days. I don’t even have the desire to try and contact him because I felt so hopeless with our last conversation. He seemed bent on ending things and believing that I’m just too much trouble and work for him. He said his relationship with that married woman was more valuable to him right now and that cut like a knife. I was pretty much speechless after that and just said ok, goodbye and hung up the phone. I was choking back tears and I’m sure he could hear it in my voice.

So I don’t know if he’s missing me or maybe just feeling sorry for me. I really don’t want anyone’s pity. If he doesn’t want to be with me for my own merits, screw it. Of course, being a typical female, now I’m going to analyze this whole thing to death though. Does he miss me?? Wah!! 😦

Who knows, maybe he was showing someone ELSE my profile and telling them who he USED to play with. There’s really no telling. I know what I WANT it to be. I want to believe he misses me and regrets what he said. Wonder what the chances are of that? Probably shouldn’t get my hopes up. :/

I’m sure on some level he’s GOT to miss the sex at least. But maybe not. Men have that reputation for wanting more variety and getting bored with the same person more easily.

He’s always claiming I over-exaggerate his ability to find women to sleep with but I’m not so sure. There are lots of options out there in the swinging community and it’s not like he was having trouble before he met me. There’s been several women who’ve at least asked him to meet with them since we’ve been together, though he mostly turned them down and chose to be with me instead.

I never told him he had to do that or anything but he acts as though he was doing me a favor. He also claimed that his reason for not seeing the married woman for so long was partly because of me. According to him, he didn’t want to upset me too much. I think he resented this, but really he was making assumptions, not basing it on any actual statements on my part. Not that I don’t understand, I greatly curtailed the amount of outside sex I was having so as not to hurt him too because I knew he didn’t like it.

I think maybe he thought being done with me would give him more freedom and he can just do whatever the hell he wants without thinking about anyone else’s feelings. That’s true, to an extent it would give him that. Sometimes though, endless No Strings Attached sex can still make a person feel pretty lonely. I think even for men.

Maybe he needs time to figure that out for himself, and by then maybe he will find someone he’d rather be with than me. Or maybe he really is much happier with that married woman for whatever reason. Maybe he didn’t ever like me all that much. I don’t know but I’m still aching inside and I definitely miss the sex. A connection like that doesn’t really come that easily, at least in my experience.

I guess on the plus side I can have less guilt about playing with whomever in the mean time. I mean, this isn’t like a regular relationship and he didn’t want that with me anyway. It was open anyhow, lol. So while I do feel kinda bad when I meet with other guys I know I don’t have a legit reason to stop doing so.

I went out on a date tonight with a new guy. We met at his apartment. I was a little reluctant to do so at first but he called and assured me over the phone that he was “not like other guys” and that I had nothing to fear. He sounded sincere enough.

So I showed up and he was just as nice looking as his pics. He was a tall, attractive, in shape and nice guy. We talked and had nice conversation. He then took me out for ice cream and gave me a bouquet of flowers. See?


But he didn’t even kiss me goodbye. :p I wonder if he was even attracted to me? He did mention how he loved that I always seemed to be smiling. Still, I just felt a distinct lack of chemistry. Maybe it was due to the fact that he is fresh out of a recent breakup (as am I). He said his ex cheated on him with another man and now she is pregnant and doesn’t know if the baby belongs to him or the new guy but she’s made it clear she WANTS it to belong to the new dude. Ouch. He’d just moved out to a hotel a couple months ago and then to this apartment within the past couple of days. There were still boxes around though the living room was set up nicely.

In any case, I left and haven’t heard from him yet. I’m not sure I really want to. It’s not that there is anything lacking about him specifically, just wasn’t really a sexual vibe. I’m pretty sure he’s not the type that would be okay with the fact that I’m sleeping with other guys and I’m not wanting to hurt anyone either.

I HAVE heard from that other guy a couple times (the one I slept with the other night that wasn’t so well endowed). I’ve been polite but not trying to get his hopes up too much. I told him I’m busy this weekend and I had mentioned the swinger site to him before and he said he checked it out and is enjoying it. Maybe that will be a good distraction to keep him from being too interested in me.

I still have plans to meet with that one older guy for sex later this weekend. I’ll let you all know how that goes! I have to admit that I really do miss the Professor a lot. 😦 Trying not to think too much about what he might be up to. :/

5 thoughts on “Does he miss me?

  1. When you talk about the Professor, it reminds me a lot of a situation I had with my ex between the sperm donor and my now husband. This is going to get kind of long but I have a point, I swear. 🙂 I wasn’t really looking to get into a relationship, and he was still hanging out with other chicks and then one day decided he would just be with me, but that he wasn’t my boyfriend. Um ok. Then he starts telling me he loves me. Ok.

    He had a lot of great qualities, but a lot of bad ones, too. I ended it with him after a year of him pretty much fucking with my head. He was always dangling enough carrot in front of me to keep me interested in sticking around with him; just enough so that I wouldn’t consider dating other people. It’s like he was only with me because it was convenient and if something “better” (his definition of better, by the way) came along he’d just drop me.

    What you say about the Professor reminds me of my ex. Sounds like he did and said just enough to keep you interested in him. He kept dangling the carrot so to speak. My unasked for advice is that you are better off without him. I’m not saying you should only hang around with men that want to marry you if that is not what you are seeking; what I mean is that you need to hang around with men that give you their main course of attention and aren’t just handing you their leftovers from other women. Accept no scraps when you deserve the full 7 course dinner, etc. (I’m hungry thus the food references!)

    It sounds like things were getting too real between the two of your for his comfort zone so he bailed. Of COURSE he is with the married chick; there is no hope of a real future together with her so there is no pressure. Not that I am saying you were pressuring him, but the fact that you aren’t seriously (or legally!) involved with anyone else means that something else COULD have come from your relationship and it CAN’T with married chick. So he went for the easy, completely no strings attached situation FOR HIM. It doesn’t appear to be that way for her; In my opinion, married chick sounds way more into him than he is into her. He seemed to put you second to her throughout your involvement based on your posts here. She is going to get a rude awakening one day when he drops her if shit gets too real for him in that whole situation and by that point, you’ll be long moved on.

    • I know I probably am projecting a lot of my insecurities when I write this blog to the point that you all see them as fact but I also think there is SOME truth to them or I wouldn’t feel that way. I tend to be pretty sensitive to people’s emotions.

      The Professor, I suspect actually DOES like me. I think he enjoys the sex and I think he fears letting that go because he knows finding someone he can see regularly like that isn’t as easy, especially with someone who is “ok” with him playing with others. I think it’s more than that too. He enjoys my companionship and likes me as a person and as a friend, he’s said as much. I’d even say he has feelings of affection that go beyond that, though I still relent I’m the one in this relationship who feels MORE.

      Where we differ is that he’s not interested in falling in love. That’s too threatening to his freedom to fuck around, as he sees it anyway. See, to me, it doesn’t have to be. I don’t think having feelings for someone in this kind of lifestyle makes it worse, I think it has the potential to make things BETTER because you have a safe home base to operate from. For me, if we are going to play with others then a relationship that is more stable and secure makes sense.

      He has SAID he has feelings for me. I believe him. He gets upset when I play with guys and he does a lot of little things that I don’t think he’d be as motivated to do if he didn’t. Only I think he doesn’t like those feelings because they are screwing with him and because they cause drama that he wants to avoid and stay away from. All that makes sense to me and I do understand.

      What I don’t know is if he’s really sitting around thinking I’m not enough and that he will find a “better” woman (maybe) or if he really just wants to play around forever or what. Me, I honestly don’t think I could handle a monogamous relationship at this point in my life either.

      I don’t think he is in love with the married woman either. I think he does like her and sees her as an easier bet because, like you said she isn’t a threat to his freedom. She can have feelings all day but he doesn’t feel obligated to change anything because she is married and can’t put pressure on him.

      Me, I think he interprets as trying to change him and really I think he’s being kinda paranoid there because I’m NOT telling him to be monogamous but every guy always thinks that’s all women want. They freak out and think you want something more serious than you do.

      In any case, in order for this to ever work out, SOMEONE would have to bend. Either I would have to drop any hope of treating this like a “relationship” where we are allowed to play and look at him strictly as just another fwb (pretty hard when we have both developed feelings because those don’t just go away overnight) or HE would have to concede that he has feelings for me and it’s okay for us to fully express those with one another. To me, the latter makes more sense, but well, either one of us comes around or it’s just not gonna work and no sense in continuing to try.

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