I feel like I can barely breathe, let alone write. The grief is debilitating. I’m not getting anything done. I know I have to get past this. Why does it have to be so hard?
I know I should have hope for the future, I know I should be able to see past this and know I can find someone else. Really though, at this point my motivation is low. It’s like I find someone I really think is great and it turns out they never really cared in the first place. I can’t trust my own judgment.
The worst part isn’t ending things with someone that was good in bed, though that IS a factor. It’s being abandoned by someone I really wanted to learn how to work things out with. It’s being rejected for another woman and feeling like something must be wrong with ME, and not knowing how to fix it.
It’s the everyday interactions too. We talked A LOT. He was the only person I told in detail about all the things that have been going on in my life lately and it’s been a whole lot of stress. I really needed that support from someone and it’s gone. I feel so abandoned, in every sense, because I lost a friend, or I guess what I thought was a friend. Real friends don’t just walk out on you like this.
I’m crushed that he seems to think the worst of me and I felt like I was trying my best. I’m not in a place to be as giving as I want to be but I did give to him in the ways that I was able. I’m broke but I showed him I cared in a lot of ways that maybe never meant anything. I keep thinking of the various things I did to give him a bit of myself and out of my heart and wondering if he ever even noticed.
This is kind of killing my desire to be in an open relationship. If I couldn’t do it with him, how could I ever manage with someone else? I feel like a failure at all of this.
I agree with him that it all should be fun and carefree. I just feel like he’s being unrealistic in his expectations of me. How can you expect a woman who cares about you to not need any reassurance that things are going to be okay? He kept saying that he did all this stuff for me and I should already know but that doesn’t make it any easier to let go when he’s playing with someone that I feel threatened by.
I was able to handle it fine when he played with people that he wasn’t emotionally involved with but this married woman was just an issue from the very beginning. He’d say he saw us both equally but he wasn’t, in my mind, or from what I could see, being really “fair” in his treatment of me. He seemed to be disregarding my feelings and turning on me whenever she was around and I just couldn’t take that. It hurt too much.
From his point of view, he said that things were a certain way before I came along and I was expecting him to change that and he was unwilling. Thing is, I didn’t ever ask him to change what he was doing, just to take my feelings into consideration and remember that I’m here now too. I didn’t ask him not to see her, just to give me affirmation that it wasn’t going to change his relationship with ME. He said he couldn’t give me what I needed. OUCH.
He said things with me reminded him too much of his ex-wife. That is frustrating because there were several times he seemed to assume I was going to react a certain way to something and treated me as though I were and I WASN’T. Like when he ignored me after having sex with this woman he said it was because he “knew” I was going to give him shit. Well, no, I was actually trying really hard NOT to and just needed him to be present with me and reconnect. Instead he acted angry and completely ignored me, which was the worst thing anyone could do when I was already fearing abandonment.
So I feel like he is placing HIS baggage on ME. I guess everyone does that to an extent in relationships. Maybe someday he will realize that and maybe not.
In any case, my deepest issue is probably abandonment. I tried to explain stuff to him because I wanted him to know how to help make it okay but I think he saw it as “demanding”. It’s so hard sometimes to know how to communicate something like that without coming across that way. I don’t want to DEMAND his affection, just trying to show him what kinds of things tend to make me flip out, to try and PREVENT that.
I was abandoned by both of my parents and pretty much by everyone I’ve ever cared for in my entire life, except my grandmother, though even she was missing during some key times during my childhood. I don’t know that I could ever completely get over that but someone willing to show a little understanding and work with me, could go a long way in helping avoid the kind of traumatic response I had here to being ignored.
I did kind of flip out on him but it wasn’t until he’d been ignoring me for a long time. I managed to hold it in for a while, hoping he would reconnect and make things right but it didn’t happen and the emotions just got the best of me. It’s like I think I’ve come a really long way but enough stress can provoke me to act in ways that I regret later anyway. Thankfully I didn’t do anything really dangerous or crazy but I hate the thoughts that were in my mind and I did say something that was pretty mean and I wish I could take back. It’s a lot better than I could have done in some relationships past, so I guess I’ve at least matured and moved forward some, I just wish progress came faster and easier.
So I can see, in a lot of ways how this was my fault. I just don’t know what to do about it. I feel like I’m trying and getting nowhere fast because I just continue to fail in my efforts. It’s like I can’t do anything right and it’s not helping my self- esteem much at all.
Where to go from here? I don’t know. The road ahead is looking pretty bleak and forlorn at the moment. Sure, I can have lots of random and meaningless sex but I really do want someone in my life that is more than that. I just don’t know if I can trust myself to go there.
Right now, I don’t think I could even talk to the Professor if he contacted me. I’m just too torn up and in pain. I don’t want any false hope of reconciliation like he was trying to give me the last time we talked with lines like “maybe later on, when I’m more ready for this kind of relationship”. Yeah, like when does that ever happen?
Ugh. He seemed so perfect to me. He fit into my life so nicely and I thought we could have a lot of fun together. He did all those things for me that I felt meant a lot and he still claims they did but then why would he be so reluctant to want a “relationship”? What the hell did we have? Who spends all that time talking to and doing stuff for someone they don’t want a “relationship” with? I’m so freaking confused. The first time in my life a guy treats me that well and it didn’t mean anything? I’m about to start crying all over again. This is killing me.