Breaking up is hard to do :(

I feel like I can barely breathe, let alone write.  The grief is debilitating.  I’m not getting anything done.  I know I have to get past this.  Why does it have to be so hard? 

I know I should have hope for the future, I know I should be able to see past this and know I can find someone else.  Really though, at this point my motivation is low.  It’s like I find someone I really think is great and it turns out they never really cared in the first place.  I can’t trust my own judgment. 

The worst part isn’t ending things with someone that was good in bed, though that IS a factor.  It’s being abandoned by someone I really wanted to learn how to work things out with.  It’s being rejected for another woman and feeling like something must be wrong with ME, and not knowing how to fix it.

It’s the everyday interactions too.  We talked A LOT.  He was the only person I told in detail about all the things that have been going on in my life lately and it’s been a whole lot of stress.  I really needed that support from someone and it’s gone.  I feel so abandoned, in every sense, because I lost a friend, or I guess what I thought was a friend.  Real friends don’t just walk out on you like this.

I’m crushed that he seems to think the worst of me and I felt like I was trying my best.  I’m not in a place to be as giving as I want to be but I did give to him in the ways that I was able. I’m broke but I showed him I cared in a lot of ways that maybe never meant anything.  I keep thinking of the various things I did to give him a bit of myself and out of my heart and wondering if he ever even noticed. 

This is kind of killing my desire to be in an open relationship.  If I couldn’t do it with him, how could I ever manage with someone else?  I feel like a failure at all of this. 

I agree with him that it all should be fun and carefree.  I just feel like he’s being unrealistic in his expectations of me.  How can you expect a woman who cares about you to not need any reassurance that things are going to be okay?  He kept saying that he did all this stuff for me and I should already know but that doesn’t make it any easier to let go when he’s playing with someone that I feel threatened by. 

I was able to handle it fine when he played with people that he wasn’t emotionally involved with but this married woman was just an issue from the very beginning.  He’d say he saw us both equally but he wasn’t, in my mind, or from what I could see, being really “fair” in his treatment of me.  He seemed to be disregarding my feelings and turning on me whenever she was around and I just couldn’t take that.  It hurt too much.

From his point of view, he said that things were a certain way before I came along and I was expecting him to change that and he was unwilling.  Thing is, I didn’t ever ask him to change what he was doing, just to take my feelings into consideration and remember that I’m here now too.  I didn’t ask him not to see her, just to give me affirmation that it wasn’t going to change his relationship with ME.  He said he couldn’t give me what I needed.  OUCH.

He said things with me reminded him too much of his ex-wife.  That is frustrating because there were several times he seemed to assume I was going to react a certain way to something and treated me as though I were and I WASN’T.  Like when he ignored me after having sex with this woman he said it was because he “knew” I was going to give him shit.  Well, no, I was actually trying really hard NOT to and just needed him to be present with me and reconnect.  Instead he acted angry and completely ignored me, which was the worst thing anyone could do when I was already fearing abandonment.

So I feel like he is placing HIS baggage on ME.  I guess everyone does that to an extent in relationships.  Maybe someday he will realize that and maybe not. 

In any case, my deepest issue is probably abandonment.  I tried to explain stuff to him because I wanted him to know how to help make it okay but I think he saw it as “demanding”.  It’s so hard sometimes to know how to communicate something like that without coming across that way.  I don’t want to DEMAND his affection, just trying to show him what kinds of things tend to make me flip out, to try and PREVENT that. 

I was abandoned by both of my parents and pretty much by everyone I’ve ever cared for in my entire life, except my grandmother, though even she was missing during some key times during my childhood.  I don’t know that I could ever completely get over that but someone willing to show a little understanding and work with me, could go a long way in helping avoid the kind of traumatic response I had here to being ignored. 

I did kind of flip out on him but it wasn’t until he’d been ignoring me for a long time. I managed to hold it in for a while, hoping he would reconnect and make things right but it didn’t happen and the emotions just got the best of me.  It’s like I think I’ve come a really long way but enough stress can provoke me to act in ways that I regret later anyway.  Thankfully I didn’t do anything really dangerous or crazy but I hate the thoughts that were in my mind and I did say something that was pretty mean and I wish I could take back. It’s a lot better than I could have done in some relationships past, so I guess I’ve at least matured and moved forward some, I just wish progress came faster and easier.

So I can see, in a lot of ways how this was my fault.  I just don’t know what to do about it.  I feel like I’m trying and getting nowhere fast because I just continue to fail in my efforts.  It’s like I can’t do anything right and it’s not helping my self- esteem much at all. 

Where to go from here?  I don’t know.  The road ahead is looking pretty bleak and forlorn at the moment. Sure, I can have lots of random and meaningless sex but I really do want someone in my life that is more than that.  I just don’t know if I can trust myself to go there.

Right now, I don’t think I could even talk to the Professor if he contacted me.  I’m just too torn up and in pain.  I don’t want any false hope of reconciliation like he was trying to give me the last time we talked with lines like “maybe later on, when I’m more ready for this kind of relationship”.  Yeah, like when does that ever happen? 

Ugh.  He seemed so perfect to me.  He fit into my life so nicely and I thought we could have a lot of fun together.  He did all those things for me that I felt meant a lot and he still claims they did but then why would he be so reluctant to want a “relationship”?  What the hell did we have?  Who spends all that time talking to and doing stuff for someone they don’t want a “relationship” with?  I’m so freaking confused.  The first time in my life a guy treats me that well and it didn’t mean anything?  I’m about to start crying all over again.  This is killing me.

 

 

14 thoughts on “Breaking up is hard to do :(

    • Thank you. The kind words from people on my blog really do help. There’s not anyone in real life I can talk to about this. My kids see my red eyes and ask what’s wrong but I don’t want to burden them with this so I say it’s grownup stuff and anyone else I really can’t talk about it. My sister tells me all her relationship issues but if I told her this stuff she wouldn’t understand all the open things and just think he was a jerk. I really don’t want to hear anyone talk bad about him right now. Just keeping it to myself other than here. :/

  1. I know your pain. I am dealing with a similiar situation, though not exactly the same. But I grieve everyday for the person I thought he was and that the monster he has become is just in my imagination. Big hug, friend. I am here if you need to talk.

    • Thank you and I’m sorry you are going through that. Breakups can be so awful. Sometimes it would be so nice to be able to turn back the clock, knowing the information you have now.

  2. Sorry you are going through a rough patch. I understand about abandonment issues, I have some myself. Hope things get better soon, till then HUGS!!

  3. I really do NOT know how to get you to realize that YOU are not to blame. I understand your history. While I cannot relate, I understand what you have shared. I think that somehow, even if through therapy, you need to try to separate your feelings about about abandonment, in relation to HIM. This is not to say that you would not FEEl abandoned, based on all that the two of you have shared and based on where you thought your relationship stood. Not at all. But at some point, there has to be a realization that YOU cannot control another’s actions or thoughts.

    Personally, for me, I do NOT understand my MM’s “reasons” for staying….outside of kids, reputation, career, etc….but it doesn’t mean that I always RESPECT them. I CANNOT change how he feels about THAT, but I CAN accept how he feels about me, if I want to. Now, I realize that this situation is different. But the only overlapping is accepting RISK. Because deep down, I do fear that one day, he will simply decide that he cannot leave. Regardless of his feelings for me. And while those days may come and those feelings WILL hurt, I will CHOOSE to not make it about WHERE I FAILED, rather about where HE could simply not give back. I know, as you knew, that there is/was a risk involved, all along, but agreeing to be in a relationship with liberal boundaries.

    If you have learned that all of THIS is NOT for you, then do not beat yourself up, rather…embrace the lesson. You learned. And that doesn’t mean that accepting this doesn’t hurt. It simply means that you let yourself off the hook for “not being enough” or for “failing”. When you add up all the “issues” you certainly remained true to what you said you were going to do, whether you developed feelings for him and “freaked” on him after the fact, or not. I still hold true to my opinion that HE, is more of a PLAYER who wants to do HIS thing, as opposed to caring for a woman who ALSO openly expressed her desire to do HER thing, as well.

    The bottom line is that this is a problem, within HIM. Not you. I’d like to think that if I were ever in your and HIS shoes and found myself in your situation, that I, and my partner, could talk openly about what was happening and what might be changing. He did not do that. It doesn’t mean that you should just “get over it”, not at all. Mend your tender heart. It simply means that I do not want to see you take BLAME for something that had an easier solution, than was presented to you. In the end, I STILL believe that HE was not as truthful to YOU about his wants, needs, desires and un-expected feelings, as you were to him. And while that may suck, and be unfair, and could allow us to call him a bunch of names, it had nothing to do with YOU being faulty, too much like the Ex or with having ANYTHING wrong with YOU. I would not say that if I did not believe this to be the case.

    You have to look forward and believe that you either dodged a bullet OR that he will eventually, when left alone to his “older OW”, will maybe miss your daily talk too. This doesn’t meant that you hold out hope, or go back maybe, as you know. You just have to look forward, embrace the lesson in it all, and KNOW that YOU are YOU….and that YOU are fine, just as you are.

    • Thanks. I do tend to take the blame on myself when things go wrong but he was also saying that it’s because I am too much work and this is too much drama so that made me feel pretty bad.

      Therapy, sigh, that is a whole nother can of worms right now. I was actually IN therapy and had my kids seeing someone in the same practice. For whatever reason, that I don’t understand, the therapist stopped scheduling time to see ME. I don’t know if it’s because she thought I was doing fine or what but I would be in there with my kids and she would be seeing someone else and walk by and not even say hi to me. I was starting to take that really personally and feeling like SHE was abandoning me, when I hadn’t even really begun to get beneath the surface with her at all, so that didn’t help a bit. I ended up pulling my kids out completely last week and it was because of questionable practices on their part. I’m really starting to lose faith that there are any good therapists around here. Among other things they were trying to evangelize my kids and undermine my parenting. That’s what I get for living in the Bible Belt.

      So add that to that I was in the middle of arguing with the Prof AND had other issues to deal with at the time, plus PMS, and I was an emotional wreck. CONSIDERING, I guess I didn’t do THAT bad. Like some people dealing with what I did last week might have had a complete mental breakdown! I felt like I was on the verge but the worst I did was say something mean.

      It may just be about him wanting to be a player. He just wants to fuck around with no thought to anyone else’s feelings and I do understand that. Just don’t lead me on by ACTING like you care if you really don’t. 😦 I think on some level he HAS to care somewhat but probably not as much as I’d like him to if he isn’t willing to make any compromise, especially ones that SHOULD be easy as pie, at least to me, I’m not a guy and they seem to see stuff like that so differently.

      I pointed out that it was unfair of him to get upset when I play and then expect me not to when he does and he did agree. He said he has had issues with jealousy too. He also said that he thinks he gets MORE upset just because I do too. I don’t know about all that but at least he was admitting SOME of the blame wasn’t on me. That’s why he said maybe it is him.

      On top of all this he keeps saying I remind him of his ex wife. THAT seems to be a big factor in his not wanting to continue. He thinks I act like her, but really the times he has said that have been times he’s assumed I was feeling or doing something that I wasn’t.

      I guess this married woman seems comparatively carefree and easy. Granted she has a husband to meet at least some of her needs plus she lives far away and can always put her best face forward. My guess though is that if he dumps me and gets MORE involved with her that eventually that will blow up in his face too because feelings complicate stuff.

      I do need to try and not compare myself negatively to this woman but it is pretty hard given the situation. I noticed that he is Facebook friends with her (we never were) and looked at her profile the other day out of curiosity and with some need to compare I guess. She’s got a Master’s degree (so does he, I just have a B.A.) and is a retired teacher. Maybe he just thinks more highly of her than me. Sometimes I worry that I come off as being ditzy or not very smart. She’s got huge fake boobs, because I’ve seen pics on the swinger site, there are a million ways I could compare myself and just feel bad. TRYING not to do that but it’s pretty difficult. :/

  4. Maybe you need to accept relationships don’t work for the most part always one person like the other person more than the other person like them…he sex you until he got tired of it and spoon fed you everything you wanted to hear, he even made you think like the break up was your fault.He came at you like the perfect one, treated your kids good he basically acted like he wanted a monogamous(even tho he say he didnt which was true) relationship just to woo you in, and even tho you knew it was open like all girls you thought one day you could be just you and him and he eventually get tired of the other women, most women cant handle relationship just based on sex they say they can but down the line they grow feelings…

    • I don’t want to think of him as a sociopath but I guess that could be true. He really seemed so sincere though. I want to believe he’s the good guy I think of him as and that I can still have respect for him, but maybe I’m just a damn fool, who knows?

      As for me, I really DIDN’T want a monogamous relationship. Yes, I did want him to have a good relationship with me and to be his favorite and not have to worry about this married woman but I wasn’t looking for monogamy. I wanted to be able to play too and I was okay with him doing so if he wasn’t threatening the relationship with ME by doing so. I just needed that reassurance.

      See, all men think the same. They always assume that wanting a relationship with someone equals totally stifling their freedom and wanting monogamy but I don’t think like that at all. It’s true that a relationship of any kind does stifle things a little bit. I mean, you have to devote time and attention to that person, but if you nurture that FIRST I think you can manage outside involvements a lot better. Obviously he wasn’t willing to put me before this other woman and that was an issue for ME because deep down that is what I wanted. Still, I would have taken the basic assurance that I was JUST as important. Making me feel LESS important wasn’t gonna work.

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