Well, it looks like the Professor and I are done seeing one another. I’m still reeling from the pain and don’t really even want to write about it much. Suffice it to say that we are “broken up”. My heart feels like it’s been run over by a steamroller.
He fed me all kinds of typical one liners about WHY. He even said “it’s not you, it’s me”,” maybe we will get back together in the future when I’m ready for a different kind of relationship” and “this hurts me too”. He claims that he still has feelings for me. Then I asked him if he valued the relationship he has with the married woman more than the one he has with me. He said he didn’t until now, when I supposedly caused all the trouble by giving him drama about it.
According to him the reason he got into the Lifestyle was to get away from drama and this situation with me has caused too much of it and is too much like a typical monogamous relationship. I love how he tries to pin all the drama on me as though he wasn’t doing anything to cause it, or giving me any himself. Ugh! Well, he did admit that he has been getting jealous too and said maybe it all was more his issues (hence the “it’s not you it’s me” bullshit).
I don’t know but fuck him. I guess it’s time to move on. I’m upset with myself for letting down my guard. I really do have feelings for him and I’ve done a lot of crying and very little eating for the past couple of weeks.
I wasn’t trying to give him drama. I really thought I was trying NOT to do that. I felt like I was doing much better than I’ve done in some monogamous relationships but I don’t know. Maybe I’m just not cut out for this open stuff. It seems like if it had been handled differently it may have been easier but really it’s just a scary thing sharing someone you have feelings for, when you don’t have the reassurance that you won’t be abandoned for another person. It seems like in this case all my fears were reinforced, because in the end I do feel like I’ve been abandoned for someone else.
I feel sick. On the plus side there are still other men in my life. In a shameless appeal for some attention from a few of them I decided to take a few new naughty pics and send them out. Well, the idea actually hit me because the married man had contacted me late last night asking if I’d meet him halfway right then (yeah right). So he and I exchanged a few pics and I was like fuck it, I’m sending these out to everyone! Ha.
I’d say it worked because the guy I had the affair with was trying to get me to set up a time for him to come down again, the fwb was talking about coming to visit when he gets back from Atlanta (where he is now) and got a couple other guys telling me they missed me. Men are so easy. 😉
Anyhow, all the crying had left me with some pretty red, puffy, swollen eyes but I treated them with cucumber slices and ice and potatoes and decided to respond to a Craigslist ad tonight. I exchanged face pics with a cute guy and agreed to meet up for drinks.
After enjoying a margarita and talking for a bit we decided to head back to his place. It’s actually very close to mine, like I could probably WALK there if I wanted to. It might take like 30 minutes if I did but is a very short drive. I didn’t tell him just how close by I happen to live but he knows the general vicinity.
So anyhow we hung out and talked for a bit at his house. He told me some crazy stories about how he moved down here from Chicago with some friend who got busted for selling large amounts of cocaine and now is serving life in prison. I admit that had me a little concerned, but he swears up and down he had no part in this operation.
In any case he was nice looking and clean and had a clean, nice townhome where he lives by himself. He’s my age and said he’s single as the sunlight. I think I made it pretty clear I was just looking for sex. I admit my mind was thinking “one night stand” pretty much from the start. He doesn’t seem like someone I’d really want a relationship with. He smokes and drinks quite a bit and smokes pot but didn’t lay claims to doing anything else. Still, the stories were enough to keep me from wanting to go there with him!
So I thought this will just be an NSA thing and maybe it will help me in my quest to get over the Professor. I had just spoken with the Prof before I went to see this guy and we weren’t “completely” broken off until after, so he knew about it. Honestly he kept popping up in my mind during the sex, so it was hard in that sense but I know I need to get over him.
So we finally made our way up to his bedroom and he went down on me and fingered me and it was pretty good. THEN he took off his pants. Let’s just say it might make me recant my position on not wanting a guy with a large cock because I was pretty disappointed to see that he was fairly small. Like, maybe possibly the smallest cock I have ever seen on a man (well, I’ve seen some pictures of small ones on the swinger site but not seen them in person). It was not only shortish, but pretty thin as well. He was black too, by the way. Poor guy.
Despite having a small cock, he really did make an effort to make the sex good. For his size he didn’t do a bad job I guess, but my heart wasn’t in it. I was still thinking of the Professor and hurting over him and I just couldn’t be fully present. He made some comment about how I just kept cumming and cumming and cumming and I was thinking um, no actually I haven’t cum yet but I didn’t tell him that of course. I did get kinda close a couple times but I just didn’t get there.
He wore a condom, which is good but also lessens the feeling. A couple of times he lost his erection too and was like “I shouldn’t have jacked off earlier today, I did it for like an hour looking at your pic”. Um, okay. He was on top a lot of the time but also wanted me to spend a lot of time riding him (my least favorite position). To his credit he was able to last a long time, but it was probably too long. I kind of wanted it to be over with.
I also spent an inordinate amount of time sucking his dick, which he loved. He was like “you are really skilled at that”. Sigh… Well, I mean it was pretty easy to get most all of it in my mouth so it wasn’t a big chore or anything but it took him a long time to cum. He tried to go back in me without a condom once and I wouldn’t let him.
Afterwards I jumped up to clean off and get dressed and didn’t give him a chance to try and cuddle or kiss me. I did hug him goodbye and he kept saying he would love to see me again and he hoped I wanted to see him again. I feel kind of bad because I’m not sure I would. He was like “you aren’t answering that and it makes me feel kind of bad”. Ugh. I didn’t want to hurt anyone and now I feel like I kind of used him. He hasn’t contacted me since though so maybe he won’t. I mean, he was nice and everything but I’m not into him.
I also met a new guy last week. It was when the Professor was out of town and I was going to see my fuck buddy to keep myself occupied. This guy lived in the same town as he does, so we decided to meet for a drink before I went to go sleep with the fuck buddy. He was actually a pretty cool guy, a couple years older than the Professor and I think could be good in bed from the way he talks. He’s out of town until next week but we will see.
At the time the fuck buddy was incredulous that some guy was willing to meet with me knowing I was going to leave and come fuck HIM right after, lol, but I did meet him on the swinger site. As he was kissing me goodbye he was like “boy, he’s a really lucky man tonight I wish it was me” or something to that effect.
I’m trying to keep myself occupied and sleeping with other people until my head and heart are in the right place again. I don’t want to hurt anyone but just trying to get my mind off the Professor. This stuff with him the past couple weeks has just left me feeling really broken. I guess I should have known it would end eventually but I feel blindsided by it all. I was finally admitting to myself that I was falling in love and then this….:(