Trying to keep it moving :/

Heart-break_OM-Times

Well, it looks like the Professor and I are done seeing one another.  I’m still reeling from the pain and don’t really even want to write about it much.  Suffice it to say that we are “broken up”.  My heart feels like it’s been run over by a steamroller.

 He fed me all kinds of typical one liners about WHY.  He even said “it’s not you, it’s me”,” maybe we will get back together in the future when I’m ready for a different kind of relationship” and “this hurts me too”.  He claims that he still has feelings for me. Then I asked him if he valued the relationship he has with the married woman more than the one he has with me.  He said he didn’t until now, when I supposedly caused all the trouble by giving him drama about it.

 According to him the reason he got into the Lifestyle was to get away from drama and this situation with me has caused too much of it and is too much like a typical monogamous relationship. I love how he tries to pin all the drama on me as though he wasn’t doing anything to cause it, or giving  me any himself.  Ugh!  Well, he did admit that he has been getting jealous too and said maybe it all was more his issues (hence the “it’s not you it’s me” bullshit).  

I don’t know but fuck him.  I guess it’s time to move on.  I’m upset with myself for letting down my guard.   I really do have feelings for him and I’ve done a lot of crying and very little eating for the past couple of weeks. :/ 

I wasn’t trying to give him drama.  I really thought I was trying NOT to do that.  I felt like I was doing much better than I’ve done in some monogamous relationships but I don’t know.  Maybe I’m just not cut out for this open stuff.  It seems like if it had been handled differently it may have been easier but really it’s just a scary thing sharing someone you have feelings for, when you don’t have the reassurance that you won’t be abandoned for another person.  It seems like in this case all my fears were reinforced, because in the end I do feel like I’ve been abandoned for someone else.

I feel sick.   On the plus side there are still other men in my life.  In a shameless appeal for some attention from a few of them I decided to take a few new naughty pics and send them out.  Well, the idea actually hit me because the married man had contacted me late last night asking if I’d meet him halfway right then (yeah right).  So he and I exchanged a few pics and I was like fuck it, I’m sending these out to everyone!  Ha. 

I’d say it worked because the guy I had the affair with was trying to get me to set up a time for him to come down again, the fwb was talking about coming to visit when he gets back from Atlanta (where he is now) and got a couple other guys telling me they missed me.  Men are so easy. 😉

Anyhow, all the crying had left me with some pretty red, puffy, swollen eyes but I treated them with cucumber slices and ice and potatoes and decided to respond to a Craigslist ad tonight.  I exchanged face pics with a cute guy and agreed to meet up for drinks. 

After enjoying a margarita and talking for a bit we decided to head back to his place.  It’s actually very close to mine, like I could probably WALK there if I wanted to.  It might take like 30 minutes if I did but is a very short drive.  I didn’t tell him just how close by I happen to live but he knows the general vicinity. 

So anyhow we hung out and talked for a bit at his house.  He told me some crazy stories about how he moved down here from Chicago with some friend who got busted for selling large amounts of cocaine and now is serving life in prison.  I admit that had me a little concerned, but he swears up and down he had no part in this operation. 

In any case he was nice looking and clean and had a clean, nice townhome where he lives by himself.  He’s my age and said he’s single as the sunlight.  I think I made it pretty clear I was just looking for sex.  I admit my mind was thinking “one night stand” pretty much from the start. He doesn’t seem like someone I’d really want a relationship with.  He smokes and drinks quite a bit and smokes pot but didn’t lay claims to doing anything else.  Still, the stories were enough to keep me from wanting to go there with him! 

So I thought this will just be an NSA thing and maybe it will help me in my quest to get over the Professor.  I had just spoken with the Prof before I went to see this guy and we weren’t “completely” broken off until after, so he knew about it.  Honestly he kept popping up in my mind during the sex, so it was hard in that sense but I know I need to get over him.

So we finally made our way up to his bedroom and he went down on me and fingered me and it was pretty good.  THEN he took off his pants.  :/  Let’s just say it might make me recant my position on not wanting a guy with a large cock because I was pretty disappointed to see that he was fairly small.  Like, maybe possibly the smallest cock I have ever seen on a man (well, I’ve seen some pictures of small ones on the swinger site but not seen them in person).  It was not only shortish, but pretty thin as well.  He was black too, by the way.  Poor guy. 

Despite having a small cock, he really did make an effort to make the sex good.  For his size he didn’t do a bad job I guess, but my heart wasn’t in it.  I was still thinking of the Professor and hurting over him and I just couldn’t be fully present.  He made some comment about how I just kept cumming and cumming and cumming and I was thinking um, no actually I haven’t cum yet but I didn’t tell him that of course. I did get kinda close a couple times but I just didn’t get there.

He wore a condom, which is good but also lessens the feeling.  A couple of times he lost his erection too and was like “I shouldn’t have jacked off earlier today, I did it for like an hour looking at your pic”.  Um, okay.  He was on top a lot of the time but also wanted me to spend a lot of time riding him (my least favorite position).  To his credit he was able to last a long time, but it was probably too long.  I kind of wanted it to be over with. 

I also spent an inordinate amount of time sucking his dick, which he loved.  He was like “you are really skilled at that”.  Sigh…  Well, I mean it was pretty easy to get most all of it in my mouth so it wasn’t a big chore or anything but it took him a long time to cum.  He tried to go back in me without a condom once and I wouldn’t let him. 

Afterwards I jumped up to clean off and get dressed and didn’t give him a chance to try and cuddle or kiss me.  I did hug him goodbye and he kept saying he would love to see me again and he hoped I wanted to see him again.  I feel kind of bad because I’m not sure I would.  He was like “you aren’t answering that and it makes me feel kind of bad”.  Ugh.  I didn’t want to hurt anyone and now I feel like I kind of used him. He hasn’t contacted me since though so maybe he won’t. I mean, he was nice and everything but I’m not into him.

I also met a new guy last week.  It was when the Professor was out of town and I was going to see my fuck buddy to keep myself occupied.  This guy lived in the same town as he does, so we decided to meet for a drink before I went to go sleep with the fuck buddy.  He was actually a pretty cool guy, a couple years older than the Professor and I think could be good in bed from the way he talks.  He’s out of town until next week but we will see. 

At the time the fuck buddy was incredulous that some guy was willing to meet with me knowing I was going to leave and come fuck HIM right after, lol, but I did meet him on the swinger site.  As he was kissing me goodbye he was like “boy, he’s a really lucky man tonight I wish it was me” or something to that effect.

I’m trying to keep myself occupied and sleeping with other people until my head and heart are in the right place again.  I don’t want to hurt anyone but just trying to get my mind off the Professor.  This stuff with him the past couple weeks has just left me feeling really broken.  I guess I should have known it would end eventually but I feel blindsided by it all.  I was finally admitting to myself that I was falling in love and then this….:(

 

 

 

 

12 thoughts on “Trying to keep it moving :/

  1. Ugh. I’m sorry. Listen, I know I’m YOUR reader, which could make me be on YOUR side, but I really do think that you did everything right in the relationship with the Prof. I know that a hard core poly person might not agree, but it seems like you were simply keeping things OPEN and NOT being jealous and that the PROF is the one who could not agree to at least, reassure you or maintain your sense of security. I get that security comes from WITHIN, overall, but I think you BOTH had feelings for each other. And it sounds like HE pretty much admitted that too, and I would have to agree with the “it’s me not you” thing here, even though that line SUCKS. Sigh.

    I wouldn’t have asked if “she” has become more valuable etc….simply b/c that just opened the door for you to compare yourself to her, in regard to him and his feelings. Of course he values THAT relationship “now” or maybe “more” now, b/c she’s probably still married and probably doesn’t give him ANY shit. That’s not all that appealing to ME, personally, unless of course I want to screw her with no issues AT ALL.

    If I thought you went nuts on him DURING his encounters for NO REASON, then I’d be honest (kind, of course, but honest.) And I am sure you did let loose on him AFTER. But to me, all along, it seems like it was always triggered by HIM changing or not holding up his end of the agreement. I still stand by the fact that WHATEVER your arrangement was, he did NOT continue to be in contact with you on a level that you were either used to from him or that was clearly explained to him by you etc….based on your needs. And so you developed feelings for him. So what? You STILL allowed for the open factor, and he did not want to meet your needs in that area.

    And that kind of situation is one that SUCKS. I felt it in the past with my MM, when I would want more, and he would tell me that while he loves me and will see me forever and sees us ending up together, he just cannot leave right now. It always made me feel like *I* was the one who had to choose to end things, b/c I couldn’t get my needs met. He never lied to me and knew all along that he did not feel that he could walk out on his family. Eventually I quit blaming and accepted my own choices and came to peace with our current arrangement. But it took A LOT of me freaking out on him about similar things as you have dealt with…like not calling or texting as much at certain points etc. Ultimately he realized what I was saying and how it made me feel and he has tried very hard to always keep me feeling secure with our relationship.

    On a totally different note….I actually thought of you this weekend. I went out with some girlfriends on Saturday night. While out, I met a guy who was a bit older than me, single and my type. We were just chatting, as normally I don’t even look for anyone to talk to etc….but HE actually had approached me with a compliment that was sincere and not cheesy and we just ended up visiting. Anyway…we did dance for a few minutes and I found myself wondering if I could actually have a FWB or if I could actually “be” with another man, while still having MM. (notice that my husband doesn’t cross my mind, but I have never hooked up with anyone here or someone I’ve met while out.) I was attracted to this guy and let my mind wander a little bit and the alcohol helped of course, but later, after switching to water, and hanging with him a little longer, while he was NICE and did nothing wrong, I started comparing. I compared the way he talked, smelled and even what he wore. I compared his overall vibe to that of MM, and I started to feel guilty. Like I was cheating on MM. And had I “gone home” with this guy (which I couldn’t for obvious reasons) I would have been sick out it, the next day.

    So on the cab ride home, I was feeling kind of sick about even talking to him or dancing with him and in entertaining the idea of ever seeing him on a personal level, and I thought of you. I wondered how you did it? And I guess that maybe, if you aren’t “in love” with someone else, that it’s different? Is that the key? Because I guess if I was single and was alone that weekend, I could have hooked up, and maybe been okay with it. But I just felt so empty and as if the entire night and conversation and even the flirting, just made me feel sick. Please do NOT think I am suggesting that you should or do feel the same. I am seriously asking…..b/c it causes me a lot of stress to wonder if I will ALWAYS feel this way. I really do think that the love I have for and with MM is a once in a lifetime thing, and while that’s all well and good now, when I AM single, I am sure there will come a day, when I will feel as if I’d like to have someone in my life more often. I don’t know. I guess I was just a little bummed, after realizing that there was no way in hell that I could actually sleep with this guy, even if it was no strings and he was nice and respectful of that. I just cannot go there. And yet, I can’t see MM all the time either. So that bugs me.

    Anyway….didn’t mean to write such a long story or comment here. I’m so sorry that you are hurting right now. I really do think that you did everything “right” for the type of “relationship” you were looking for. And maybe, like what I experienced, love just fucks everything up.

    • I feel like basically he’s dumping me for having feelings for him. I don’t know how any woman who did could handle this stuff without any reassurance without drama. Maybe some of these hardcore poly people could but then most of them seem to be playing while having the home base of a husband that they have been with for years and are bored to tears with sexually. If you’ve got that security it’s different.

      He said that he didn’t sleep with the married woman for 6 months and then “blamed” it on me. He said he didn’t because of me and that he turned down times she wanted to come visit because he didn’t want to upset me. Well, I never told him he couldn’t sleep with her and I feel like I TRIED to come to terms with it but I needed to know I wasn’t going to be sidelined for her and he just wasn’t giving me that. Even now, he has sex with her ONE TIME in six months and all of a sudden I don’t mean crap anymore? Now that relationship is more valuable to him? Ok.

      Well, I wish him luck I guess. He’s even admitted that it’s not always easy for him to find people to play with. I have a feeling he will eventually regret this because I was mostly good to him and happy and the sex was great! The drama came out of times I wasn’t feeling treated right and that is something you have to be willing to communicate about and work things out, but he doesn’t want to put forth the effort of a “relationship” like that. Well, okay. We also talked every day in a friends type of way A LOT. I will miss that but you can’t have that with me and then say you don’t want a “relationship” when it’s convenient because you don’t want handle your part of things.

      As for your situation, honestly when I have feelings for someone it IS hard to want to play with someone else. I sometimes had to force myself to play with the fuck buddy, even though he’s nice and hot and good in bed. I kept it up because I knew there was no way I could handle when the Professor played if I wasn’t doing it myself. Still, my natural inclination IS more to not want other guys when I am deep into feelings with someone. So I pushed myself to go there. I did enjoy it but I also would miss the Professor more afterwards and sometimes even during because he’s the person I had feelings for. It made it worse that he would get upset with me afterwards, even though he said he wanted to be open. It was hard to know he didn’t like it.

      When I was having my affair, I didn’t want anyone but him for a long, long time. The first couple of years I couldn’t be with anyone else, even though I “knew” he was probably having sex with other people besides his wife. I eventually pushed myself to do so though because I knew it was really hurting ME in the long run to be the one who was just with him while he was being with others.

      I guess what it boils down to is that during the New Relationship Energy stage, for a couple of years, it is hard. When things settle down later it isn’t as much. It is something I can push past though if I need to. Still, my other relationships and sex with others did drop down drastically after being with the Professor. I mostly just wanted him. I was having sex once a month or so with the fuck buddy but it is not emotionally satisfying sex. It DID make me feel better sometimes when I was hurting though. Overall, other men weren’t as appealing to me and I’m still in that stage just forcing myself to keep on keeping on.

      The dates and stuff I went on while with him, it was like you said, I saw more of the negatives and they didn’t compare. Even with that guy last night, well, as you can see I wasn’t that excited about it. He wasn’t the Professor. 😦

      • Sigh. I’m sorry again. And the WORST part is falling in love with someone who is also amazing in bed. I really think that is part of my problem with MM. We click on every level and he is the best I’ve ever had. Even when I ended things 15 years ago, when I had been with him for 2 years and I was young. I needed to let him go, so I could get on with my life. I thought I was over him when I met my husband and I WAS in love with my husband and thought the sex was great, but I have to admit that I never really stopped thinking of MM. And now we’ve been together again almost 3.5 years and we’re older and even better. I just wonder how I can ever let him go and find myself fulfilled sexually again? So THAT is where I feel for you as we’ll, b/c I know you said that the sex/connection was amazing. Add in some emotional feelings of love or attachment and ugh. Maybe he’ll miss you enough to re-evaluate what he can give? I’m sure he will miss your daily interaction. I know that I always do and MM says it makes him literally sick to his stomach, when I’ve cut him off like that before. Sometimes you don’t realize how much you miss the person and contact with them about NORMAL things, until your phone is silent for awhile. Either way, I hope that you can hang in there and start to feel better soon. 😦

      • Yeah, it is really hard to find someone that great in bed. When I found him I was thrilled because I thought I’d never find someone as good as the married man. Not only was the Professor almost as good, we just had a really good connection emotionally that made it even better. I guess all I can do is keep looking but it’s hard to believe it’s even possible. Thankfully I am still in contact with the married man too so maybe I’ll have to make more effort to see him again! I’m not in love with him though so it’s still different. I want to cry every time I remember the sex with the Professor. I was pretty sure he was near perfect. 😦

        He claims that this is really hard for him too but that’s pretty cliché. I’ve never really been in the position of dumping someone except out of extreme anger so I really don’t know what it’s like to be on the other end. I don’t know if he really gives a fuck or is just trying to make me feel better.

        Everywhere I look I am reminded of him because of all the little things he bought for me and my kids. Several of their toys are from him, my tv antenna, my coat, the workout clothes I wear, etc. It makes it especially painful because all those things made me feel like he really cared about me.

        He was always one to text a lot and would send me videos of stuff he was doing all the time and wanted to be in contact so you’d think he’d miss it but he does have that married woman, who is retired and I think texts him all the time. So maybe he won’t care at all.

        I don’t know. I was being like the typical scorned person for awhile and trying to get him to talk to me but once he told me that he valued her more I pretty much gave up. That just hurt beyond repair. I need to focus on healing and moving on.

  2. Oh that sucks. I swear men have some sort of radar when they know you’re starting to fall in love, and have let yourself become open and vulnerable – and bam, that’s when they dump you. It’s so crap. Hope you feel better soon and meet someone you don’t have to worry about all the time. x

    • I know right? It’s definitely making me fear letting my feelings show for someone. It’s like here I am opening up to you and I get rejected? Thanks. I never told him I loved him but I was close to saying something a couple of times. Now I feel like an idiot.

    • LOL Well, yeah, I mean he had just gone down on me…it seemed like proper etiquette. There is a naked cock in my face and sucking it seemed like the polite thing to do, regardless of size, haha. Just call me Miss Manners! ;p

      • Really? Only big dicks get sucked? My experience says that a dick ain’t gotta be big in order to suck it – it just has to work!

      • LOL Yeah, it’s actually a lot easier to give a blow job to a guy with a smaller cock. My fuck buddy has a big and thick 9 incher and while I like it very much it is hard to get my mouth around it and I’m always hoping I don’t scrape him with my teeth by accident, lol.

  3. Pingback: An Eye-rolling Moment | Kdaddy23's Blog

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