Feeling abandoned :(

abandoned

I don’t know if I can continue on what I have with the Professor any longer.  His most recent visit with the married woman caused me a lot of hurt and not for the reasons you might think.  It was less about the fact that he was having sex with her and more about the way I felt he abandoned ME.

Things started out okay.  I knew he was going up to her city for a tournament he was coaching.  I knew there was a possibility of them sleeping together, and even of her staying the night, though the past couple of times her husband has nixed their get togethers so I wasn’t sure how likely it actually was.

The day before he left we saw each other and had great sex.  I was feeling better about things.  The next morning he came and picked me up from the auto shop where my vehicle was being repaired and surprised the kids and I with donuts.  He was like “you look cute this morning” when I got in the car but when I moved over to kiss him as he was driving he didn’t respond.  This made it where I couldn’t quite reach him and I was like “you won’t let me kiss you?”  He said it was because he was driving and he did kiss me later when I got out of the car, but that first instance set a bad feeling in my stomach because it was right before he was heading out of town and would be seeing HER.  I felt like he was starting to pull away from me.

I tried to brush it off but the image stuck in my mind.  I KNOW I have massive abandonment issues and it is something I really struggle with.  The Professor is aware of this because in times past, when the married woman came to visit him I have pretty much flipped.  Each time it’s been due to me feeling ignored and set aside due to her being there. 

It all started with the very first time she came down and he suddenly completely ignored me for THREE DAYS.  We had had sex the day before and I thought everything was so great and was totally confused and hurt by his sudden abandonment of me.  His excuse afterwards was that she was crying over some guy she didn’t even know who had stood her up and needed his attention.

 I have a hard time buying that story.  Who cries for three days over a stranger?  Maybe someone who is being manipulative and trying to keep his attention off of ME.  Or maybe she wasn’t and he was lying?  Or she’s really THAT pathetic?  In any case it made me feel pretty awful that he would treat me like that just because of her and set the whole thing off to a really bad start.

The next couple of times weren’t much better.  Once he skipped a prearranged date with me because she decided she wanted to come see him.  I was on my period but had offered to give him a great blow job and he said, as part of his reasoning that “that wouldn’t be ENOUGH for him anyway”.  Ouch. 😦

Then there was the time she came down on the weekend before my BIRTHDAY, the only time that week he and I would have been able to have a date, and when he had promised and planned to take me out and do something special.  Well, it never happened.  He chose that haggard old married bitch over me and I was NOT HAPPY.  He tried to make up for it by dropping off a bottle of wine and a cake on my doorstep on the day of my birthday and also took the kids and me out for ice cream, but yeah, that’s not quite like an ADULT date ending in sex and I haven’t really forgiven him for that. 

Another time I had invited him over for dinner and even bought steak for us to eat but she decided to stay an extra day at his house and he “forgot”.  Each time was painful for me and we got into some big arguments.  I felt like I was being treated as second best. 

What disturbed me so much was that the REST of the time, when she’s not there, he’s WONDERFUL to me, he’s like the perfect guy and I’d fall harder and harder for him and then he’d do a complete 180 when that woman came around.  It didn’t help when I found a love note she had written him sitting atop his dresser (under my jewelry, where he’d told me to put it the night before) or that when we’d first started seeing each other he’d made it out like she was just a fuck buddy, yet later admitted she was “in love” with him. I’ve written about all of this stuff before in previous posts.

He would SAY that he sees us as “equal” and doesn’t put one of us before the other, but I felt like his actions were saying otherwise.  Why would he keep dropping dates with me and letting her decide to hang around longer and all of that if he cared as much about me?  Once he even made the excuse that he has known her longer (6 months longer) as though I give a flying fuck.  That doesn’t give him a reason to put me out and it made me very angry.

He also tried to say this is just “the Lifestyle” and that he and I aren’t in a “relationship” but are just fwb.  That stung because if this isn’t a “relationship” then why does he want to text with me all day every day (and gets upset if I take a while to respond)?  Why is he buying stuff for me and my kids?  Why is he taking me to parties with him and having sex with me and taking me out on dates and making dinner for me and coming over to my place for Easter dinner?  Why does he insist that we tell each other every time we play with someone else?  Why does HE get upset each time I’m with another man and need my reassurance and talking to him afterwards?  How is that “not a relationship”?  What the hell is it then?

I don’t understand that at all.  It seems like “this is not a relationship” was just something to throw in my face to not have to deal with my emotions when he does something hurtful.  He hasn’t said it again this time but its stuck in my mind because I feel yet again abandoned and like he doesn’t care about my feelings.

We’ve had some arguments each time he was with her due to all of this.  I have told him that if we are going to do this I REALLY need his reassurance that he cares about ME before and after he sees this woman and not to be ignored because of her or put out.  That is very important to me and there is no way I can do the “open” thing without that. 

So a while back, he slept with a different woman and things actually went pretty well.  See my post Almost compersion, (but not quite). One of the big things that helped was that he finally gave me the reassurance that I was looking for and needed to be able to cope.  It helped a LOT.  I thought now, he would do that with this other woman, because he knows that I need it but nope, he STILL won’t give me that when it comes to her.

When he first got into town and checked into his hotel he sent me a picture of his hotel room.  On one hand I’m sure it was because he was thinking of me but it made me feel kind of sick because I knew that he might be playing with her in there and didn’t want to have to picture it.  It was a very nice room.  I said “I wish I could be there with you” and he was like “aww, me too”. 

We texted back and forth that night but he disappeared for a while and said he had fallen asleep.  That kind of left me wondering but I accepted it.  The next day he was pretty uncommunicative.  Part of that, I know, was because he was at the gym all day for a tournament but it ran much later than usual and even afterwards he was being really slow to text back. He said he wasn’t playing with her that night but I had some question in my mind whether or not he was telling the truth.  He talked some though here and there. I tried not to stress too much because of course he had a lot going on and COULD be really as tired as he said he was.   He said he wasn’t playing with the woman because he was exhausted.

Meanwhile, I had thrown out a Craigslist post and also communicated with my fuck buddy.  The professor had almost seemed like he WANTED me to meet up with my fuck buddy.  However fuck buddy had a couple coming over and wanted me to meet with all of them and I wasn’t liking that idea.  It is an older couple and I’ve never met them or seen a picture of the guy and didn’t want to feel obligated to fuck him.  He kept saying the woman “wanted” me but I’d only seen a picture of her from the neck down and the idea of some lady who is as old as my mom that I’ve never even met “wanting” me was a tad creepy.  I decided against it and had a lot to do here at home that day anyway, like get ready for one of my kid’s birthday parties.

The Craigslist post brought back about 50 responses before getting flagged and taken down, but while there are a couple people I’m still emailing with here and there, nothing panned out and there was no one I was super attracted to. The ones that were I suspect were guys using fake pics.

 I also responded to an add from a “couple” looking for a “couple” with pics of me and the Professor and the guy turned it all around to saying that he wanted to be with just me and the Prof as a threesome (I said he wouldn’t go for that) to saying he wanted to play with me alone (I suspect the female half of the couple didn’t actually exist) to eventually admitting he is “bi-curious” and asking me if I’d be willing to suck his dick with another man.  Oh gee, that sounds like the time of my life right?  Go suck some random guy’s dick along with another man!  :p  I didn’t take him up on his offer but in the meantime he’d been told about my fuck buddy as well and seen a pic.  He asked if fuck buddy was still interested and fuck buddy said “tell him to go kill himself”.  Nice! 

This is way off topic, but seriously if you are looking for gay sex how about just posting that instead of being a “couple” looking for a “couple”?  Novel idea?  Oh and he claimed to be biracial and sent me a pic of a biracial guy and was talking about how his “girlfriend” was into “big, black guys” but the pic he sent of his cock looked decidedly white, like very pink, and his pubic hair did not look like it belonged to a “biracial” man.  It didn’t match his “face” pic at all.

Anyway, there were some guys that were interested but no one I felt the same way about so it just wasn’t worth it to me to meet any of them just so I could be playing with someone while the Professor was.  I didn’t want to let that drive my decision making and sleep with someone I’d later regret.

 I finally just decided to focus on stuff here and have also been reading the book “Opening Up” by Tristan Taormino.  I was hoping the advice in there would be able to help me get through this past weekend better, but my emotions just took over after a certain point.  The book also talks a lot about making rules and agreements.  Well, I felt like the Professor was well aware of the fact that I need some reassurance before and after, since we’d talked about it more than once and he’d also done it the last time.  I was actually feeling like, hey, I can do this.  I’m not going to stress and maybe I will meet up with someone else later in the week (though due to have my period soon so it may not be as soon as I’d like and I’m also more emotional, ugh).

So, back to the Professor.  I’d texted him a couple times the next morning and he responded though it seemed like he was mostly brushing me off.  I attributed it to the fact he had to get to the gym and had another busy day ahead of him, which is probably true.  Around 1 pm I asked how the games were going.  He didn’t respond until after 7.  He’s never gone that long without answering me, even during a tournament. 

He said he’d had a crazy day and I congratulated him and his team then asked if he had plans that night.  No response for over an hour.  Finally he texted back “yeah will have dinner with the team.  My friend will come visit with her husband but not spending the night”. 

Okay.  I’m thinking, good, she’s not sleeping over at least, that will be easier for me to deal with.  I texted back “what time is that?”.  No response until 45 minutes later, when he said “about 10”.  It was almost ten already and I had been waiting on edge for a long time.  I said “ok.  Will you tell me when she leaves?”

 He again didn’t answer for a bit and so I was starting to feel very anxious.  Like, why is he not responding to me?  He must be talking to HER and can’t be bothered with it or something.  He knows we have an agreement to tell each other this stuff!  I finally texted again and said “you’ve been ignoring me almost all day and night already”.  He said “Yes, I will.  I miss playing with you though”.

Ugh!  That really pissed me off because it sounded so trite and untrue.  There is no way you miss playing with me RIGHT BEFORE you are about to have sex with HER!  I said “no you don’t.  You’ve barely answered me all day, but whatever”.  Then I put it out on the table “I feel abandoned”, hoping he’d offer some comfort and reassurance because I was really starting to need it.  NO RESPONSE and I knew she was due to be coming there soon.

 How could he not respond when I’d just told him I felt abandoned?  I was starting to feel panic.  I know some of that is due to childhood abandonment issues and it is something that is really difficult, real, and hard for me to deal with.  Thing is he KNOWS this already due to stuff that has happened in the past.  I’ve TOLD him repeatedly that I need that extra bit of reassurance if we are going to do this and now he just ignores me?

I texted “so you’re gonna treat me like this and ignore me and make me feel awful right before she comes over instead of the reassurance I have asked for?” He texted back (20 minutes later) “No, I coached most of the day and don’t get a good signal in the gym and we played a lot”.  What the hell does his coaching all day have to do with NOW??  I’m saying I feel abandoned NOW and he is doing this to me NOW.  So I texted him back “Even since you left there you’ve been taking a really long time to reply to my texts and suddenly treating me like I’m nothing to you.  It’s the same thing you’ve done every other time she was around or you had a chance to hook up with her”.  He texted back “God, you do this to me every time” and left me hanging and feeling like shit for the next couple hours while he was fucking her.

Finally he says “ok, she’s gone”.  I didn’t respond IMMEDIATELY, so FOUR MINUTES LATER he says “I’m not doing this tonight.  I worked and coached all day and haven’t been texting much cause we didn’t have a good signal”.  Note that he expects me to return the text that fast while he takes hours.  I responded “but you had plenty of time for her”.  Obviously he’s been keeping in touch with HER and making plans with HER but can’t be bothered to give me basic respect because of her presence.  He said “No, I didn’t.  I do care about you, but I’m not doing this tonight”, again abandoning me and I haven’t heard from him since (a day and a half later). Now when I’ve had sex with someone he ALWAYS wants to talk afterwards and needs extra reassurance and sometimes I find it annoying but I’ve NEVER begrudged him that, ever.

I finally texted him back, told him” I’m not doing anything to you, I expressed feeling vulnerable and needing reassurance and comfort.  Instead you got pissy and left me hanging while you fucked someone else, thanks.“  It all went downhill from there.  He didn’t respond and I got increasingly upset and told him off pretty much for good.  I don’t think I can forgive someone who ignored me when I needed his emotional support and left me feeling abandoned when he knew that was how I already felt.

Abandonment is a terrifying feeling for me.  He already knows that I feel that way and I made myself vulnerable in trying to say “I feel vulnerable” directly and give him a chance to respond and be kind.  Instead he did the complete opposite and used abandonment in an even worse way to hurt me.  I feel horrible and like everything he ever did for me was fake.  I am so glad I never told him I was falling in love with him because clearly he doesn’t feel the way I thought he did. 

Yesterday I was so angry.  I think if I’d seen that woman I would have wanted to cause her serious harm.  I know logically that it isn’t her fault but yeah, it’s not always hard to understand how jealousy can drive people to commit crimes.  It’s a good thing I’ve never had to meet her.

  As for him, I kinda wish I’d never met him too. I’ve spent the morning today, off and on, in tears.  I know I’ll get over it and be able to move on eventually and it does help that there are other men in the picture. I don’t know if at this point I could make up with him though.  I know I cannot have an open thing with someone who isn’t willing to do his part in helping make it easier on the both of us.  I feel like I’ve been treated like shit.  Again, it’s over her.  For some reason he could give me what I needed when it came to someone else, but not her.  I don’t understand at all. 

 

 

47 thoughts on “Feeling abandoned :(

  1. I wish I could give you a hug. As much as I hate saying this, what’s happened to you is what I’d call typical when you get ‘hooked’ on someone in the lifestyle and are hoping to have a relationship with someone who’s really not interested… because being in the life ain’t about developing relationships – it’s just about having NSA sex. It seems to me that he did, in fact, develop an attachment to this other woman first, putting you in the position of playing second fiddle; now, if this was purely a lifestyle thing, eh, that’s no big deal because the thought here is that as long as you’re getting yours from him – and it’s high quality sex – it really doesn’t matter because your life is much more complicated than getting laid. But since you wanted more from him than he was willing to give, well, this is what usually happens.

    If you’re (not you) relationship-minded, it is best to get into a relationship with someone you know is going to be there for you no matter what – and then talk about being open or swingers IF you learn that the guy’s open-minded enough to run with you in this.

    God, I’m really sorry to hear about this…

    • Well, maybe so. However, if he isn’t interested why does he ACT the way he does, spend so much time talking to me and with me and ACT as though we have something going on every other day of the year?

      We’ve been seeing each other for 9 months. In that time period he’s seen this other woman only a handful of times and been mostly with me. So isn’t it kind of cruel of him to lead me on like that if it isn’t how he feels?

      • Well, yeah it’s cruel… if you just totally overlook something that makes men look bad 99% of the time: We will say and/or do anything we have to in order to get the pussy and to keep getting it.

        I’m not saying he doesn’t have any feelings for you other than just lust; what I am saying, based on what I’ve learned about this, is that he’s not interesting in getting into a committed relationship – but this is what you need and, at the risk of angering you, just because you want it doesn’t mean he does or that he has to go along with it. Is he leading you on? In his mind, he’d say that he isn’t; to him, this is about friendship and, of course, sex.

        This, my friend, is what happens when you bring the deeper emotions to a lifestyle setting.

      • I guess so, only I don’t get why he and you think I want a “committed relationship”. I just want basic respect and caring enough to look out for each other’s needs if we are gonna do this. I’m not looking for monogamy.

      • That’s because the things you’re asking for are the basis of a committed relationship. Not talking about monogamy either but you just learned something about men, huh? Even to me, everything you’ve been saying about what you want from him smacked of a committed relationship kind of thing, you know, the one where you emotionally commit to someone.

        Now, if you, with your words, could make me, a guy who thinks monogamy sucks and one who’s been there and done that think you were saying “relationship” – what do you think the Prof is thinking and I’m pretty sure he hasn’t been doing this for as long as I have? If you’ve been giving him grief about this other chick because he seems to be paying more attention to her than to you – and that’s despite he the fact he spends more time with you than this other woman – the signs say you’re acting as if you’re in a relationship.

        A lot of it goes back to something I told you early on: being open is one thing, being a swinger is an entirely different animal; one requires the basic tenets of a relationship, the other doesn’t and, again, you rarely see swingers who have an open relationship.

        They do exist but they are seen as the exception and not the rule; being open, to them, threatens their base relationship because of the possibility of that emotional connection that has nothing to do with lust – swingers really just wanna deal with the lust and leave all that other stuff behind.

        “Basic respect and caring enough to look out for each other’s needs” are elements of a relationship, my friend. Remember your earlier blogs, where you said that you were worried about him not being into you and all that? Relationship stuff, not swinger stuff and in order to have an open relationship, you gotta have a relationship and FWB doesn’t really count, not when you’re worried about who’s into whom and all the other stuff that’s vital IF there’s a relationship in progress

      • See, and I guess in that sense I do want a committed relationship. I want him to be committed to making the whole open thing work. It’s not like I’m wanting to totally lock him down though. I don’t want to be locked down either.

        Also, he comes up with this stuff about how we are FWB but all the things HE is doing on a regular basis say “committed relationship” to ME.

        He texts and talks to me on a daily basis and wants to hear all about my day and talk about his, he buys things for me and my kids. He bought them Christmas presents and birthday and has come here for Easter dinner. He does stuff like fixes my toilet and helps me put my daughters new bed together (took 3 hours). He makes or buys dinner for me all the time when I come over and sometimes has taken me out on dates, he surprises me with stuff on my doorstep, when he is away he texts me pics and videos of what he is doing, he gives me rides home from the auto place, he loves to cuddle after having sex… All of this says to ME that HE wants more than a FWB.

        Maybe I’m an idiot but this stuff doesn’t indicate that he’s “into me”? If it doesn’t then what would?

      • Yeah, at this point he is flat out ignoring me and so I lost it and told him off. I don’t know that I will ever hear from him again. If I do, and it’s after he sees this woman again this weekend, he can go jump off a cliff. I’m not going to tolerate being ignored when I’m hurt and angry and feeling abandoned only to have him try to right it AFTER he sees this bitch again.

      • OMG all this time I was reading this blog thinking HE was POLY and lifeof was learning to be… I feel like an asshat. Please ignore my other comments then lifeof – I did not realize he was a swinging partner when we had gone back and forth about the whole poly thing…

        ugh. I will shut up now!

      • I’m confused to why his being poly or a swinger has anything to do with it. Why would those labels make a difference?

        If it matters, I’m not interested in sharing someone emotionally and never have been. In fact when I found out she was in love with him I told him that if they had a love thing going on I didn’t want to be a part in this. I have no desire to be anyone’s “secondary”.

        He claims HE is NOT in love with HER and that it is a one sided deal. He says he isn’t in love with anyone, which of course includes me. I feel like most of the time he ACTS differently but when she shows up he doesn’t so maybe it’s all just an act, like Kdaddy says, to keep getting in my panties. Nice.

      • Poly and swingers are two very different relationships, not just labels, they are very clearly defined, and I for some reason thought you two were together (casually dating) that he was poly and you were being introduced to it via him. That was all I meant by this comment. I am really not looking to argue or make things worse here, so I’m just going to thank kdaddy and you for the clarification.

  2. I am going to have to re-read this entry, but I am wondering why it is you keep texting someone when you know they are busy or with someone else but at the same time dont want a blow by blow of what is going on? You really do present your pain and distress so much so.. i feel it. I don’t always know if I should say anything because you are really struggling and I suck at platitudes.

    I think technology is great, dont get me wrong, it keeps us in touch but when my partner was with his lover I didnt intrude on their time, it was his time, and if something i was feeling came up – hard as it is – I sat on it till he got back. I think some things are so important to talk about face to face and work out, rather than on a phone or via text. I am not making up excuses for someone lying but I think people can feel under pressure to say things quickly in order to keep that other person happy…. she is not spending the night, of course will make you feel unsure because he might just be saying that to make you feel better?

    I think you are right, you both need to sit down and define what is going on and put down some rules: when he is away he is away, but when he gets back you need to see him in the flesh and reconnect. You’re feelings that she is intruding on you during her time with him is something to work on because I would take all the texting as your intruding on their time – and it isn’t giving you any solace. In fact it only seems to be causing you more distress. Asking for reassurance before and after he comes back is totally reasonable, I always feel a strong desire to be with my husband after PC leaves, but demanding it during might be… unrealistic? All comes about because you both are not able to achieve the reassurance you need because you havent had the talk?

    Sorry, I am just writing out what I am thinking and probably adding to your discomfort but there are a lot of us Poly people reading your blog, maybe someone considering it, and it is not the way I came about it or would go about it, but I am actually rooting for you to win!

    if you need a sounding board, I am easy to contact… this sorta sucks.

    • I never once texted him while he was with someone else, unless he was lying about it and she was actually there. It wasn’t like I sent him tons of texts either, just one at midday, which he didn’t respond to until after 7 pm and then we had a conversation that was about 7 texts long on my part including the basics asking what his plans were and what time (that’s two texts right there and those are things we have agreed upon to tell one another). HE always asks me those exact same questions before I sleep with anyone and wants to know what time so we WON’T be contacting the other person when they are with someone. The others were because I was feeling hurt.

      I’m not sure how this could be considered “intruding on his time” if he wasn’t even with her or supposedly seeing her at that point. If he’s lying about her spending the night there and all that then he’s just a dickhead. There is no excuse for that when we are supposed to be “open”.

      Even that time he didn’t text me for three days, I wasn’t texting him. It took him that long to respond!! You are making it out like I’m texting him constantly but the truth is he texts ME constantly throughout the day on a normal day and we have a lot of conversations like that and he gets upset if I don’t text back soon enough.

      We HAVE talked about this, repeatedly and he knows that I need that reassurance, especially when it comes to this married woman, because of the issues that have come up in the past. It would be nice, sure, to not need that but I’m not there yet and if I can’t have that I can’t do this because it’s too much to ask of me emotionally.

      I don’t know why you are accusing me of demanding his time WHILE he is with her because I haven’t, other than if he is with her for a few days in a row, I would like at least an acknowledgement here and there that he hasn’t forgotten about me. I’ve never asked him to contact me (other than before and after) when he is spending one night or a few hours with someone.

      We don’t live together and I am a single mom so can only meet up when my kids are with their dad. Asking him to see me right before or after is often unrealistic. We don’t really have that option. Texting on the other hand, or a phone call we can do.

      • I didn’t mean to upset you more than you are which is why I hate to comment on emotional blogs like this, certainly wasn’t accusing you of anything – your feelings are yours and you are trying to own them – which is the only reason I said anything. Perhaps it is the way the entry is written and I wasn’t clear with my meaning: she need not be in the room physically in order for him to be where he is ‘there’ with her. The time he is away there is their time, and I was only trying to suggest it in a way to not put yourself through such distress but regardless of my comment I did not mean to offend you. I really did wish this had a good turn out for you and as a romantic I wished for a happier ending.

        My most sincere apologies.

      • He didn’t tell me she was coming to see him at all for sure until an hour beforehand. The last couple of times he’s been up there they have NOT gotten together, supposedly because the husband didn’t want them to. So I didn’t have a lot of time to process my emotions before he said she was coming or to even think about “their time”. Not that I really feel inclined to give that to him, since when she has come down in the past she’s had no respect for MY time with him, staying extra days and randomly deciding to make her way down on my birthday weekend, etc.

  3. I agree with Pyx – texting and demanding reassurance while someone (who you’re in sort of a FWB/maybe more kinda relationship with) is with another lover sounds a bit too demanding to me. I would never do that, and I expect none of my lovers, including my husband, to ever do that. I’m not saying the Professor always did everything right (like forgetting your dinner invitation for example), but I also totally understand when a lover visiting from out of town takes precedence over one who lives in the same town as me. I do that all the time when i have lovers visiting, and I encourage and expect my partners to do it as well…

    Either way, it seems like you two definitely need to talk about the nature of your relationships, your expectations, needs, and desires, and to establish clear boundaries. and if you are not on the same page on those, then maybe it’s time you separated. this doesn’t seem to be healthy for you, as Pyx says, I can feel your pain

    • Well, maybe it isn’t something you need but I can’t be in a relationship like this without some basic reassurance that I’m not being abandoned. I just can’t. That is my limit. I don’t ask for much but I ask for that.

      We have very few rules when it comes to playing with other people. He has asked that we tell each other when we are going to and when we are done. I have asked that he not make me feel abandoned by it. That’s it. I think if that one request is too much for him to give me then we don’t need to be seeing one another.

  4. the point I was trying to make (perhaps not very successfully) was that rules of what is and isn’t appropriate in a relationship, especially one with fuzzy borders, like yours seems to be, can be easily misinterpreted by the partners. I gave you examples of how I am with my lovers to illustrate the point that many of the behaviors he exhibited that you were hurt by are not hurtful by themselves necessarily; for some people, they are perfectly acceptable. they’re only hurtful if there is an explicit agreement between the partners that they would be hurtful.

    and it looks like that is exactly where the problem lies here. the ‘very few rules’ you guys have are clearly not enough, not clear enough, or not interpreted the same way by both of you. ‘not making you feel abandoned’ is very very vague – for one person it can mean, text me every hour and call me every day; for another it can mean shoot me an email once every month or so…

    so now that you both have some experience with each other and each other’s understandings of various concepts (like abandonment), you should sit down and have a more specific conversation about the things that do and don’t work. good luck!

    • See, but I feel I HAVE made that clear and that is why I was so upset. We have talked this through and if you read my post, Almost compersion….but not quite you will see the texts between us where he had sex with ANOTHER woman and it was totally fine. I didn’t get upset with him at all. He was doing what he knows I need. This time…he failed to. Whether that was completely deliberate, I don’t know. He has (since I wrote this blog) pointed out that he DID say something beforehand. He made that comment that he missed playing with me, but it hurt my feelings more than helped because it seemed pretty unlikely when he was minutes away from fucking someone else and the way he said it was like an afterthought. In any case, I know I can be overemotional and I DO have abandonment issues. Not everyone has to deal with that and all I can say is that I try my best but if the Prof wants to be in this with me he has to make some accommodation for that until I can work through it and it is not a quick and easy process.

  5. I’m so sorry. As a non poly, non swinger, I can only give MY thoughts here. When I read this entry, I could relate to A LOT of it, even with my “affair partner”. My BIGGEST issue has been him falling off the radar on me. We have since worked that out, but I KNOW exactly what you are saying here. And you guys have the option of not even having to hide the whole damn thing, like I have had to.

    To me, there is such a common theme with your guy and mine that I SWEAR to you again…that I was reading what you wrote, and then retracing my own MM’s recent activities, just to be sure that he wasn’t your Professor! Not to make light of this, but some of the stuff he says and does, is just so familiar to me.

    To me, an outsider looking in, I feel like what YOU are wanting is more of a relationship where you guys are each other’s “primaries” yet you either “swing” together or you accept non-emotonal FWB’s. It seems like even though you understand the downfalls of a long term relationship and having other needs pop up, that what YOU are wanting and saying is that you DO want someone who is YOURS, but….you will be willing to share in certain situations that are NOT based on any emotional tie. It seems like b/c of your past, you understand the issues that occur with a long term relationship and so you decided that “open” would work best for you, in an attempt to not get hurt or surprised by cheating or lying or straying or boredom…what have you.

    Personally, b/c the Professor reminds me so much of my MM, I tend to like him and tend to transfer my OWN feelings about my MM onto him, thus feeling as if I know EXACTLY what you are saying and wanting and needing, even though the two scenarios are so different. I sometimes wonder if the Professor is less about Poly OR Swinging and more about just being able to be a player without getting into trouble? Please do not take me wrong or read that as a sign of disrespect, but seriously…his type is so familiar to me b/c of my own MM and I just feel like he isn’t REALLY poly as much as he is just wanting to “do what he wants”.

    The not texting thing…I have dealt with it and it drives me over the edge. I feel like I’ve made so many sacrifices as to what I INITIALLY wanted and yet the ONE thing I want and need, he has failed to deliver. It was not always like that….and he has since seemed to FINALLY understand me, after yet ANOTHER meltdown on my part (which I can relate to as well when you talk about freaking on him). Anyway…and life your guy…my MM will not text me sometimes during the same scenarios for a long time…and yet, if I don’t text or call HIM back promptly…I get hit with texts every 30 minutes and multiple calls wondering where I am and if I’m okay…all disguises for wondering why I’m not responding quickly.

    Anyway…I’m totally on your side here. But I have always felt as if being open was still sort of a testing ground for you, in the way of simply not having the time or the emotional energy to invest in getting hurt all over again. It seems like it is a safe option for you to say…”I am yours, and you are mine….emotionally….but if either of us has an urge and if we are honest, then we should incorporate that into “us”. It seems like this would discourage cheating and lying, while still giving you both the ability to have that person that is technically “yours”…at least emotionally. I sort of feel like the Professor is there too, with you…but then again, a small part of me also believes that he is also wanting to have his cake and eat it too. And that maybe, just maybe….without this full on honesty that you are wanting…that is a bit more of a standard player who thinks that just “admitting” when he “plays” is good enough, as opposed to really being poly or open or anything else. It sometimes seems as if his motives are a simple as…”yeah…I care about you, but I told you how I am and what I’m going to do” and then you are just stuck trying to manage it.

    I’m just really sorry for you that you are feeling hurt and sad. And I can totally see why you are. Good Luck.

    • Thank you so much. It’s nice to know someone understands. You are right that it more the kind of relationship I would like to have. I feel like the only reason we aren’t on the same page is because this married woman was in the picture before we met and that is just another reason for me to resent her presence.

      The idea of looking for that with someone else, well, it’s possible, but it seems like it would be kind of difficult to find a man that is single now and into that sort of thing but also willing to have a relationship with ME. Men are difficult enough when it comes to that but add being open into the mix? Yeah, maybe there’s someone out there somewhere but I have no clue where to find him.

      Even my fuck buddy says if he were in a relationship with a woman there is no way in hell he’d be willing to share her! In my experience the vast majority of men are that way. Even the Professor leans that direction. Without that married woman in the pic he’d probably NOT be cool with me sleeping with other dudes on my own. He just can’t say anything because of her. He doesn’t like it at all when I do and gets pretty upset even though he “says” it is okay.

      Yeah, I’m not sure he’s really that poly either. I told him I was reading a book on Open Relationships and he didn’t even ask which one, lol. I almost got the feeling he was like damn, I hope she’s not getting ideas. He’s not as keen on sharing me and I think he’d rather I didn’t play unless he’s with that married woman at the time or we are doing it together but he’s not in a position to tell me not to!

      If the Prof is a player he’s a damn good one because he got under MY radar and I’ve been with quite a few player types in the past. Still he’s playing the oldest tricks since cell phones with this “there was bad reception in the gym’ stuff. Um, how then did he manage to text me in the morning, FROM THE GYM before they played? And how did he know there was “bad reception” if he didn’t even try after that? It doesn’t pan out.

      Thanks and I think you may actually have him pegged pretty well with that last paragraph. I suspect it’s more of a have his cake and eat it too thing as well. I don’t know that he’s that much into “poly’ stuff. He doesn’t want to sit down and have a discussion about “rules’. It does seem like he basically wants to do his thing and just “admit” it and he’d really rather I not do it but if I’m going to he wants me to fess up. Afterwards he tends to pull away and act hurt too and he says things like he can’t sleep with me if it’s been less than 24 hours after I’ve been with another man and he just pouts and even admits to feeling angry. I think, like a lot of guys, he does prefer the player model, lol, but he’s trying to at least be somewhat open.

      • Is there a chance that this “married woman” and her hubby are rich? I’m not saying that he is getting “paid”, just wondering. If he only met her 6 months before he met you, then I don’t see what the draw would be to an older and married woman. I’m not saying she can’t be sexy or attractive, but it just makes me scratch my head. So SHE is supposedly in love with him…but he’s not, yet he always puts her needs above yours? What’s in it for him….is what I am getting at. Is there a huge will that is coming his way? Is her husband MUCH older than her? Could he have met her years ago and just has a strong bond/loyalty to her? I actually thought that they DID have a long term thing going….not just a 6 month head start to you. It’s almost like she is his wife and you have to deal with her the way that OW’s deal with their AP’s wives. I don’t know. Something about that situation just doesn’t add up to me. There is a reason that he is attached to her, and I am not sure if you have been told everything yet.

        It’s weird that when he is with a random, you’re cool with it and he is willing to be “open” in those areas, but reassuring you etc….Yet with her, he closes off.

        It is so frustrating, b/c I am sure you feel (as I do) that IF you put your foot down….he is going to say…”Damn, that really sucks. But I understand. You have to do what’s right for you.” My MM has said things like that to me before and it always pisses me off and hurts, b/c it makes me feel like he can let go THAT easily. We’ve talked about that and he says that’s not it, BUT….since he is not leaving anytime soon, what else can he do, but let me go, if that’s what I want. The messed up part is that it ISN’T ever what I want. It’s me using STANDARD relationship tactics that have worked in the past and knowing damn well that they DO NOT WORK in my situation. It’s me trying to say…I don’t like how this makes me feel….and yet, not wanting to let him go. Ugh.

        So you can either sleep with him and feel bad about things, which I know sucks, while you “try” to accept the situation, OR…you can tell him you don’t want to see him anymore b/c of this and that and this and that….and he’ll probably say…”okay”. WHICH ALSO SUCKS!!!!

        Big non-poly, non-open, non-bi-curious……(((hugs))). LOL! (trying for a smile with that….I have no problem with any of that stuff, FYI!)

      • Yes they are rich but I doubt he’s receiving money or anything. She might buy him gifts, no telling. He acted like no one did for Christmas other than me but then he also tried to tell me I’m the only person that tells him he’s “hot” and when I was looking at the swinger site one day and saw a comment from the married woman to him, she called him that. Ugh. So maybe he’s just a chronic liar, IDK.

        She’s not bad looking for her age but I don’t think she’s all that hot. To me she looks like an older woman with an 80’s haircut that wears “mom” clothes in the pics. Though he told me recently that her hubby “makes” her dress “sexy” and go in public with him (oh, poor thing, how awful….eyeroll). I’m sure the Prof probably enjoys that.

        Idk, they live in a small town and he says even there she goes out in public with him dressed (like a tramp?) I’m thinking that just sounds trashy but if she doesn’t like it there’s always divorce. She’s too old to have kids in the house. So her crying to the Prof about stuff like this seems like a ploy for sympathy.

        Also, on the swinger site there are pics and it looks like she is in good shape and probably had a few surgeries. I mean if he’s comparing me to that I don’t know what to say. I’m much younger and do my best to stay in shape but I can’t afford surgery. So maybe he doesn’t like my body.

        I think her husband is in his 60’s. So not probably ready to hit the can just yet, lol. I will say that she does seem like she offers him a ton of ATTENTION. Like she texts all the time and gives him a million cards.

        He probably feels like they have this “secret” too because she is allowed to play but she tells him she and her husband don’t communicate. He says her husband would ideally like her to play with a couple of different black guys a week. So maybe she feels exploited and he is nicer to her. I can see why she would fall for HIM anyway. But his part seems more like falling for manipulation to me than anything.

        I really don’t get the sudden 180 on how he treats me when she comes around. THAT is what hurts me. Oh well, I guess if he really wanted me in his life he wouldn’t be stupid enough to do that.

        Right now he doesn’t seem to care and I’ve gotten more and more upset at being ignored so told him off but I’m thinking once his visit with her next weekend is over it will hit him that he lost me for good and THEN he might care, but it will be too late. You don’t get to ignore me when I’m distressed and then try to patch it up later. If there is no reparations now I am done.

        He’s not saying okay, he’s not saying jack except for a couple texts again making excuses about being at the gym. As if that has anything to do with the price of tea in China anyway!! Well, unless he actually WAS with her during that time. He also refused to answer the question of whether she actually spent the night and I don’t think he’d have any problem saying NO SHE DIDN’T if that was the truth. I got pretty angry and called him a liar and a fake. My respect for him has pretty much crashed.

  6. Hi, I didn’t have time to read the previous comment, and I hope I’m not posting anything redundant, but her is my .02

    He is being selfish. He wants to indulge, but only wants YOU to indulge on his terms. When you text him or pour your feelings out to him, you probably come across as extremely needy. And needy can be stifling. However, what you are feeling is completely valid, as you are in a vulnerable spot. Even if you were not in a “swinger” relationship, some of his behavior would be inconsiderate – like not keeping your birthday plans.

    People will behave and treat us only how we allow them to treat us. And he obviously knows how far he can push you. Maybe this other woman wouldn’t stand for it and he caters to her accordingly.

    I would say that this is what you can expect to have and feel with this type of relationship, as it is the polar opposite of what I personally consider to be healthy, but I do not want to be judgmental. Like you said, even in this lifestyle choice, people still have the right to lay down rules and expectations, and they should be respected.

    If he can’t do it, you need to move on and mean it.

    What do YOU think it is about this other woman that draws him to her?

    • Yes, I agree I did come off as needy there for a bit. I was FEELING needy. That’s not a good thing but sometimes when you are in a super vulnerable position it is hard to control that. I don’t think I’m GENERALLY like that and the married woman seems WAY needy, so if he’s turned off by that you wouldn’t think he’d be into her. Ah, well, maybe I’ll never figure that one out.

      She doesn’t seem like anything special to me at all….and she is nearly 20 years older than me. Maybe he has a Mommy complex? That makes him seem kind of pathetic but who knows? I can’t think of any particular reason he would like her. All I’ve seen is her very needy seeming behavior, like writing him ten million cards, lol. There was a HUGE stack of them by the tv. I’m like WTF?? And crying for days over being stood up by a stranger sounds like a complete waste of time to me so if that is true she comes across as even more lame! I also know she tells him how “controlling” her husband is so maybe he feels like he is her personal rescuer. Who knows, seems like he has been easily manipulated by her antics though on a few occasions.

      I’m so angry right now and hurt that I am probably sabotaging any chance we had at continuing this. Not that I think I should continue with something that is as you said, unhealthy anyway. I just keep coming across more evidence that I have been lied to, like the several texts he sent me from the gym on Saturday!! He didn’t seem to be having any trouble with “reception” then! I mean come on, does he take me for a complete idiot?

      I thought he was so much better than this but maybe I should have taken note of some of the red flags, like in my blog post “When being open isn’t enough”. He did flat out lie to me about attending a swinger party at Christmas. He apologized but really one chance after that is probably enough. I’m not keen on being lied to when we are trying to attempt something open because that kills all my ability to try and trust.

  7. Personally, in response to your last comment to the last “commenter” (LOL!) I don’t think being NEEDY in this case is such a bad thing. I know that in real poly/open relationships that it wouldn’t work or be cool, but I think what gets you is the TOTAL change of behavior from him, when she comes around. I have BEEN THERE. That has been my biggest sticking point since November. I feel like we’ve finally worked through it and I finally got my feelings across that I don’t want or need to check in on him and he doesn’t have to report to me, but that I LIKE to know what he’s up to, b/c it makes me feel connected. (that is MY relationship and I know yours is somewhat different.) But my point is that when someone is behaving a certain way and is “cool” with it, and then they switch it up and have no contact or communication about it, when all you have EVER asked for was contact and communication….then you are GOING to feel hurt and needy! All he had to do was set your expectations for the day, instead of dropping off the radar. Seriously. I hear you. I think had he done this, that you would have hated it, BUT…that you would have had your reassurance and peace about things and then…let him be. It seems as if you have tried to express this time and again, but with her, he just won’t do it.

    I am suspicious of him even being in the gym ALL day to be honest with you. I mean, maybe. But I also know that when my MM phone rings and we are together that he never answers or texts back. If he does, it is a friend and he plays the message on speaker, calls them on speaker…all in front of me. We both take breaks to go outside and make any “other” phone calls, but they are very few and far between when that happens. So maybe he was working all day and trying to text you and her, but it just makes me wonder. Sorry.

    • Yeah. I am especially suspicious of the timing he was supposedly in the gym this weekend. Like he finished a few hours later on Sat than usual. He also texted me, multiple times, from the gym, earlier in the day, telling me how they were doing in the game. You know, the SAME gym that he supposedly had “bad reception” at. I am so glad someone is getting how I feel here because I think he is far from innocent in this incidence.

  8. This sucks, lovely. I am sorry you felt alone when you were hurt and needed reassurance. I agree with Pyx and Pervertically Virtuous that expecting attention when you know he is with another lover is a bit unreasonable, but I think there are other issues at work. It’s really shitty that you tried to let him know why you were acting this way (that you felt “abandonned” – always tough to let someone know) and he didn’t see it is a sign of something being wrong. I understand that he had other priorities – the other woman – but the kind thing to do would have been to respond to your concern and let you know that this is his time and that he will get back to you/ discuss the situation/ be more present at a certain later time. It wouldn’t have taken all the pain away, but it probably would lessen the sting. The most difficult thing to deal with, I find, is the hot-cold dynamic. The sharp contrast between the times that you feel connected and abandonned just amplifies the need you have to be reassured. If you decide to reconnect with him and give it another try, you may have to get into uncomfortable details of what you need and want from him, and be reasonable about what he is actually able to give you. I’m sorry you had such a bad day.

    • I am going to reiterate that I never once asked for attention when he was with another lover. He supposedly wasn’t with her!! Now that time he disappeared on me for three days, yes I was very upset and asked that he at least text me a couple times and let me know I’m still on his mind if it’s gonna be a situation like that. I don’t feel like that is too much to ask.

      Yes, if he’d dealt with it as you suggest, I think I would have been able to handle things a lot better. Instead he texted ONCE after she supposedly left, basically telling me he was refusing to discuss the matter. That was a jackass move to do to someone who had already told you they were feeling abandoned. It’s like he took exactly what he knew would hurt me the most and deliberately twisted the knife. The other possibility is that he is a lying sack of shit and she was actually sleeping there and THAT is why he didn’t contact me. In either case, he’s not on my good side anymore and they can have each other. I can’t respect someone who treats me poorly over someone else.

      • I’m sorry, I totally misread that then. It is definitely not too much to ask for a certain level of affection, and especially if you let him know before that this is what you need, it is inconsiderate of him to simply ignore it.

        To me (and I could be totally off base here) it seems like it was a combination of him being distant in the morning and you knowing that he will be in proximity of this woman. Now, there can be a million explanations for his morning behaviour, from being preoccupied/ not sleeping well/ weird deja vu a minute before and so on, but I know for myself that my brain can start spinning into the worst-case scenario (for me) if I don’t even have a slightest bit of context of what is going on. It’s so much easier to deal with his lack of affection if he says (for example) “I’m moody today, nothing to do with you” sort of thing. Especially if it has been already established that this acknowledgement is what you need. I think it is great that you have expressed your needs and desires to Professor, but it seems that time and time again he acts as if your “status” as “FWB” (not my observation, but his words) somehow releases him from common decency of following up on what you are saying about your expectations. I understand that there are different… um… I guess “levels” of attentiveness to the well-being of the other person depending on the bond you share, but no one deserves to be disrespected or their boundaries disregarded, regardless if it’s a one-night stand or a long-term relationship partner.

      • Thanks and yeah I think it would have gone way better with those little bits of attentiveness. I do realize he was busy but if you are too busy to give someone what they need, well, you risk losing the relationship. It only takes like 30 seconds to send a text and it’s not like I’m asking for tons of them. Just hey, I want you to know I’m thinking of you and your position in my life isn’t going to change because I’m having sex with this other person. I feel like I need that little bit of acknowledgement before I feel safe with him playing with someone else and ESPECIALLY her. If he can’t see that or isn’t willing to take the time out, yeah, it’s not really worth it for me to go through this kind of pain.

  9. You number two girl it look like(can be replace easy), maybe he sleeping with more women and claim its the same chick, and maybe it just her and she probably giving him mind blowing anal sex something you not willing to learn to like or she may buy his love $$$ ,whatever you number two(step ya game up).

    • I don’t know but if gaining his love involves spending money I’m shit out of luck!! LMAO.

      I’ve thought about the anal sex angle before. He knows I’m not into it and has never asked. She may love it, who knows? He HAS claimed that I am some of the best sex of his life, but you know, people lie about that shit. He said it on his own though and says we have a really great connection and he’s only had that with a couple people in his entire life. Maybe she’s the other one though!!

      I’m not willing to stick around and try to up my game if he considers me number two. I’d rather be someone else’s number one than try to compete with this woman. In any case, I’ve told him off enough that I may never hear from him again. I’m not the best at keeping my emotions in check when I’m hurt and pissed and being ignored!

  10. I’m sorry to hear that you’re having a tough time. I’ll admit that I read your entry, but haven’t read all the back and forth in the comments…That said, having been in a situation for a long time where I have a committed relationship, an affair, which is another committed relationship (in my case) and then also having NSA sex on the side, I can tell you that the Prof. is taking advantage of your situation. He probably has feelings for you, and MAY even love you, but he has the option to play and explore, and as a man that is a hard hard temptation to pass up. That’s no excuse, just a reality. He is lying to you, and perhaps he’s lying to you because he cares about you, or because he feels guilty. It would seem that if you have the open relationship that you think you do, that his relations with others wouldn’t be a problem, or would be expected, but that’s not the case here. Either you and he haven’t laid out the ground rules clearly and appropriately, or your feelings have changed, and you need new rules, which he may, or may not be ok with. I don’t have an open relationship, but I know enough about them to know that you have to be able to trust each other, regardless what happens with other people, and part of trust is having clear rules and expectations so everyone is on the same page. I wish you the best of luck.

    It does seem remarkable to me that for someone with sooo much trauma in your past that you should seek out an open relationship, but maybe it is that trauma that sends you that way?

    • Yeah. I’ve talked with him a little bit since and he says he did not stay the night with her and that he texted with her even less than he did with me that day. I don’t know. I mean, he COULD be telling the truth. He is really busy and working when he is up there. I actually went and took a look at the schedule for his games NEXT weekend online and they were for the same hours that he claimed to be in the gym. I don’t expect him to text me a ton when he’s working and at games, though he occasionally will. That part isn’t really what bothered me.

      He says he told me as soon as he knew what was going on with this woman. Then he pointed out the fact that there have been times I have not told him until 30 minutes before, which is true. He also mentioned the one time I didn’t tell him until AFTERWARDS, which I did feel guilty about and even wrote a blog post on it called “Guilty as charged” and followed it up with the post called “Caught, Red handed” or something like that. So I have to admit I’m not perfect either. Of course HE never asked me to give him that reassurance but he does get upset afterwards and I do try to give him what he needs THEN.

      He also did have stuff going on afterwards (a dinner with players and their parents) and has been having to take a muscle relaxer and sometimes sleeping pill for pain in his shoulder, so the sleeping stuff could be legit. I just got all upset because of how I was feeling.

      The deal here is really my massive issue with abandonment. I know it is a problem and I know it’s something I need to work on. I need whoever is in my life to be a bit understanding though and help me. If I look back logically I can see that he did kind of try with the “I miss playing with you though” comment. I was just in my emotions and couldn’t see straight.

      I know that when I write an emotional post like this people see it through my eyes at the time and it makes him seem like everything I am WORRIED he is, like more into this woman. I’m not sure that is REALLY the case though. I FEEL that way but after talking with him I do feel better. He said “for you to think I didn’t care, that’s such bs. For me to take time out of my work day or to buy you or your kids something and to say I don’t care! You’re wrong! You wanted to make me feel bad for playing”. That’s his take on it all.

      Why would I get in an open relationship? I feel like that question may need a whole new blog post of it’s own! Maybe I will get to writing one here soon.

      • I TOTALLY get what you are saying NOW! LOL! Please don’t feel like you have to explain the emotional nature of your post. Yes, we all form opinions based on what people share with us, but if YOU are comfortable with the resolution, then THAT is all that matters. This same scenario happens to me too. As a matter of fact, I haven’t updated my blog forever, b/c I don’t know how to explain some recent changes of events, after being so “sure” about other things, that I’m not really sure about anymore!

        I know that when I am emotional and I say all these things about MM and why it doesn’t work and why I feel hurt or what have you….that ONCE I get to speak to him, my fears are usually calmed. It happens. And it happens to me because I care so much. And b/c I am terrified of getting hurt by him, in the end. So I literally go through every single “bad point” or “scenario” in an effort to make myself feel better about trying to leave him…..again. Ugh. It can be a viscous cycle.

        One thing that I have FINALLY decided to accept is that him being a man and me being a woman, REGARDLESS of our situation….causes us to have some different needs, fears and levels of comfort with things. I NEED to be reminded that I am on his mind, that he is thinking of me and yes…even that he loves me, even though we do not say that to each other directly or often. I NEED that. He has felt that I should KNOW that he cares, and that he is thinking of me all the time, just b/c he has said it before or because he is in love with me. He does NOT need me to blow up his phone with emotional validation…..b/c he just doesn’t NEED that to feel good about us. So I would end up saying mushy stuff, hoping for a response and then he would just move along, feeling good about what I said, but thinking that I just wanted to “share” that with him. DUH! I wanted a return response!

        Anyway….I hear what you are saying and I really hope that things work out for you guys. Personally, I hope that in time, he somehow lets go of this OW (older woman…LOL!) and that you guys can pretty much be primary partners, with the option to be honest about playing or just swinging together. The coaching world (and the sports world in general) is a whole different ballgame. (pun intended). The schedules are nuts, the time away is nuts, the obligation to players and families is nuts. And it allow a lot of time away from home….for the person who has that job/career. That alone is enough to drive even the most secure person a little crazy, if communication suddenly changes drastically. That was exactly what happened in my case and as stable as I thought I was, it really messed me up. And then my emotions got the best of me.

        Not trying to make this my story! Just trying to express how much I really feel what you have been saying and what you are saying now. I feel like I understand very well and as I said…I just hope that you guys can get past this and move on! At least the next time you see him, you know the sex will be good. I know that for me, when we’ve had this kind of a situation, the next time is always more intense and more meaningful, and in a way…..it’s kind of worth it. As messed up as that is. (and not that I would ever TRY to cause an issue….but you know what I mean.) Glad you are feeling better overall though. Hope you have a good day!

      • You are right, that we only get to see the situation through your eyes, and we only get to know if how you present it when you write it, and only you know the “full” story about it.

        Still, I’m going to be honest here. Not judgmental, just honest. I think that your suspicion is legitimate about him. Now whether in the context of your relationship, you have the “right” to be suspicious is a whole other issue. You make rational arguments for what he COULD be doing, or what could have happened to him, but it could just as easily be the way you presented it in the first place.

        You have some form of open relationship, whether you set out for it or not, and the question is, how open is it for the both of you. You know that he is sleeping with other people, and so do you, so that alone shouldn’t be an issue. Trust and honesty are the real issues. I understand the abandonment thing (I had a less that rosey childhood too) but it seems like for you to get some peace, that you’ve got to sit down with the Prof. and make sure that you REALLY are on the same page with your relationship, whatever that is.

        And no offense, because I mean none at all, but his defense of caring for you that you quoted in your reply is pretty weak. It sounds like an argument that I made to my wife when I was caught cheating with Amy. Yes, I care for her, and yes, I sacrifice a great deal for her happiness, but my heart has gone elsewhere, and it sounds like the Profs’ defense to you. I hope that I am wrong, or even if I’m right, that you find happiness with the people who surround you. You are a brave woman, and a good writer!

      • Well, I just looked on the swinger site this morning, at HER profile and discovered that since March 31st, she has listed herself as SINGLE. Wow!! I am shell shocked and sooo fucking angry!! No wonder he suddenly felt it was okay to abandon ME. He’s up there again this weekend and I was so inflamed when I found that information that I really told him off. I have my doubts there will be anything further with the two of us!

      • So sorry to hear that, and hear of your hurt. Breathe deep, relax and try to think as clearly as you can. No matter what occurs, you are an exceptionally strong woman, and it will work out.

  11. I know EXACTLY what you mean by going through every bad point and scenario in your mind in preparation for being able to leave him because I very much do that too! It’s like I have to “convince” myself that this is my reason for getting out in order to be able to cut out emotionally if I need to. I think a lot of that IS part of the abandonment complex. It can be a dangerous way of thinking, especially, if in fact, it all turns out to be okay!

    I’m not sure at this point where he and I stand but I did apologize for flipping out on him. Now that I’ve calmed down I can see the places where I probably went overboard. I still feel like he was wrong to not contact me afterwards but I also understand his viewpoint that he knew it wasn’t going to do any good and didn’t want to get in an argument.

    Men in general do have a different way of dealing with things. I’m like I need to talk this out NOW to feel better and they tend to push away conflict and want to wait until you are calmed down. Only I feel like I CAN’T calm down until I talk about it. Talk about vicious circles!

    I TOTALLY get what you are saying about how you feel with your MM too. It’s true that coaching and ball playing has it’s own set of stressors and being involved with anyone who is doing that can be hard. (Heck isn’t that why they have that “Basketball Wives” show on TV, lol- I’ve only seen bits and pieces of it but it’s a stressful life at times).

    If we have sex again (and well, at this point I kinda hope we will) I have a feeling it will be just like you said. As bad as “drama” can be in a relationship it does sometimes have a way of bringing people closer in the end, that is IF it doesn’t end up splitting you up. I guess we will find out for sure here eventually.

  12. Just read the comment about seeing her as “single” on the Swinger’s Site. WTF? Is she getting divorced or separating? Or is she just using that as her status? What did the Professor say about this and do you think that this is why he has had so much “work” to do near her? I hate to say it, but if she is “single” or was at least with him ALONE, then I suppose that pretty much means that they were together the entire weekend. And if she was sitting around and waiting in the hotel, then I guess that would explain why he wouldn’t have to text her all day. Totally sucks.

    I kind of feel like he didn’t want you to know about this, for whatever reason, but mainly b/c of his ability to be with you like he was before when he was home, and then still be able to go off and be with her more now, if she is INDEED single.

    Either way, I’m really sorry. I guess maybe he is a bigger player (or liar) than I wanted to believe. And that is what gets me here. You didn’t even put NORMAL restrictions on him and he STILL found a reason to lie? WTF? I do not think the is into OPEN relationships AT ALL. I think he is into being a stereotypical PLAYER at this point who wanted YOU as his primary at home, and to KNOW you weren’t doing anything deep with anyone else, maybe even having you ending up NOT doing ANYTHING with anyone else, if he wasn’t with you…..and then for HIM to be able to do what he wanted. That isn’t OPEN. That is lying and cheating. Which is EXACTLY what you were trying to avoid.

    Hope you are feeling okay. I know you had feelings for him and even in anger, they don’t go away overnight. Bummed for you. Big time.

    • I almost feel guilty giving updates on this situation because it’s subject to change at any moment. :p The drama just keeps coming and going. His explanation for her single status was that she is, in fact, still married. He said that it “accidentally” got changed and they just hadn’t gotten to changing it back yet.

      I’m thinking that’s pretty fishy. BECAUSE, whoever “accidentally” changed the status also took all of HIS information down from the profile AND changed the wording to no longer include him. However there is still a spot on there that wasn’t changed from married and a few references to “we”. It’s weird.

      In any case, I said if you are telling the truth then someone is lying to YOU, no offense. He said all that didn’t matter because she didn’t want to see him last night anyway. He didn’t specify why and said he guessed she just “didn’t want to”. I said maybe that’s why you like her more because she plays hard to get and guys seem to like that sort of thing. (I personally can’t imagine just not wanting to see someone that I was having sex with if they were in town, well unless I was pissed off at them! )

      His response to that was “I don’t know, I’m tired, I don’t want to analyze it right now”. THAT upset me pretty much because it was basically like he was confirming that he does in fact, like her more. I commented on that and he said, no he wasn’t saying that, but IDK.

      I do know he is telling the truth about needing to be there for work and having games. I found the schedules online and can look and see where he is supposed to be, what gym and what time. I WANT to believe he is telling the truth about her still being married. If she is then she is either mad at her husband OR someone is playing games with the single status. It’s true that on a swinger site, single women get a LOT more attention than a couple so if she plays without her husband then I can see why she would put that.

      Still, I think its odd that the change was right before he came up there. Then there is the possibility that she is doing it because I am single and she is trying to compete with ME. She doesn’t seem to be above underhanded, manipulative shit like fake crying over some guy standing her up to monopolize his attention or leaving notes all over his house and deliberately staying extra days when he was supposed to be coming to see me, etc.

      Last night, I went out on a date with another guy and then to see my fuck buddy after. Now the professor is pouting!! He doesn’t like it. Not that I blame him because I understand but he should be more understanding of how I feel!!

      As far as him wanting me to give up other guys and just be with him, yes I really do think he would LOVE that. He’d like me to only play when he is there, it’s pretty obvious, but he doesn’t want to give up the freedom to do his own thing. I think he would love for me to make that “choice” on my own. In fact, he told me before that the married woman was in love with him and her husband wanted her to sleep with other guys but she only wants him. So I’m sure he wants that from me, but I’m not willing to give it when I’m not getting the same and SHE is in the picture!!

      So really, I don’t know what the hell is going on! LOL I really do have feelings for him 😦 I think he likes me a lot more than people reading my blog believe because they are seeing it all through my insecurities. Yet at the same time he’s not willing to give me what I want and that is to be absolutely, without a doubt, numero uno to him!!

      • Don’t feel guilty updating about this! It’s YOUR blog! And unless you just don’t want to share, I like hearing the updates. I DO understand the dynamic, I think anyway, for several reasons. Just feel like there are certain similarities with your Prof and my MM, that intrigue me. I guess that I get the changed info on the site ONLY for purposed of gaining more attention. I do not believe for one second though, that someone “else” messed with her profile. If anything, she did it to gain more interest, and if that’s how it all works, then great. But no one else messed with her profile, and if that is what she said or is saying, then she is lying, for her OWN gain.

        I know if I were in her shoes, and either not wanting, unwilling or unable to get a divorce, and if I knew about YOU, then I would be doing everything in MY power to make sure that the Prof chose me. Sorry. And she has the age card against her as well. If he talks to her, in any of the same ways he talks to you, then she surely knows about you, and maybe you come off as a threat to her? Why wouldn’t you? You are young, good in bed (per his words 🙂 ) and you are single. You are willing to let him play. If she is older and set in her ways and unwilling to get a divorce or whatever it might take to get the Prof’s attention, then I can totally see her being threatened and even playing games with him to GET his attention.

        And even if….she is sincere in her crying about “rejection” etc….to me….for him to even want to hear that or be there for all of that….that’s just weird, in a way. Either he has Mommy issues. Or she gives him anal sex or something YOU won’t do regularly, if at all. OR….she gives him money. I know that you don’t believe that this is the case and I am not saying that she pays him per deed. I just wonder if she doesn’t “gift” him with either items, or money cards or something. Outside of that, I cannot see the draw.

        I mean, I know we are ALL drawn to our OWN types….but from what you have written about, I cannot see him needing this lady, in particular, to have his needs met. Not with being able to swing and be open and supposedly being so good in bed and also hot. No way. I just don’t get it and something is missing. And here’s the thing. I wish he’d just TELL YOU, whatever the hell it was!!! You are SO open and if ANYTHING needs to be discussed, it is THIS! Here you are saying…”Do your thing”! And yet, at times, regardless of “after the fact” explanations, he is being a total shade ball. Seriously? Out of everything, THAT would piss me off, the most.

        And while I am glad that you had a date and met up with your FWB, and am “sorry” (kind of, but not really) that “he” was bothered by that….I just think that the only sit down you guys need to have is in regard to defining what you are to EACH other and then defining what each of your own needs and boundaries are. I mean….whether he (or you!) wants to acknowledge it our not, you guys have kind of ended up in some kind of relationship and that needs to be defined. For BOTH of you’s peace of mind!

        Please keep us posted! Please? I mean, Life of Lovergirl…this IS your life right now! So who cares who understands?! You never said you were totally poly or open or bi or what have you…so whatevs!!!! Just let us (okay…me!) know what is up! Hang in there!

  13. PS…I cannot remember your email to this site. Can you please email me at letlovego5@gmail.com ? I want to say a few things< or even ask a few things privately. Sorry I didn't save your email from last time! 🙂

    • Hey, sent you an email 🙂 Yes, looking at it from HER perspective I am a very real threat. I came along AFTER her, I’m 20 years younger, I’m single and I’m right here nearby. So in that sense, I can feel a bit sorry for her. Yet, she is too old to have kids in the house so if she is choosing to stay married, well, that’s her choice.

      If I was in love with someone and he was single and wanting to play (like the Prof) and found someone like me, yeah, I’d probably be pulling tricks too, so I don’t know that I blame her entirely when I remember that. Still, I’m pretty damn sure that is what she is doing!! What she DOES have on me is 20 years of experience in manipulating men, I guess, and lots of money, though she doesn’t work. She and her hubby are retired and go on trips to the swinger clubs in the Caribbean and whatnot, must be nice!! She also has huge fake boobs. I’ve seen her pics on the swinger site. Not that I am lacking in that area or anything, I wear a 34 D but I don’t look like that. :/

      I kind of wonder if when he found me SHE got all insecure (hence that first weekend when she was down and he bailed on me for 3 days) and begged him not to abandon HER for me or something. So now he feels like he needs to “stand up” for her when I get mad. Because that is what he did. He said “you can’t talk bad about my friend” and I was mad and like how dare he defend her!! UGH Of course I wasn’t thinking about it from that perspective at the time, just thinking if you cared about ME you’d not defend her because she’s not the one who got hurt here.

      There was the deal about him texting her “goodnight” right before we had sex once too. It royally irked me because he had ignored ME for that 3 days not long before that and I was like how can he sit here and text HER but not me? So maybe again that was her wanting reassurance. If he wants to balance two women he’d better figure it out though or we are both going to end up pissed!! LOL

      I wonder if she is mad at him now? Because why else would she not want to see him when he is up there. He went to a movie last night by himself.

      I agree that he and I need to talk this out. Still, he’s a guy and getting them to talk about relationship stuff is a headache in itself. I’m trying to talk a bit over text with him but I think he’s still upset about me playing last night with my fuck buddy. He gets that way after I see anyone. It probably didn’t help that I kind of rubbed it in his face beforehand because I was pissed that he had hurt me. I was like well maybe I’ll forget about YOU!! :p I got a little too mean. :/ Not right before though. I tried to be nice then and after.

      Your right that I haven’t claimed any labels, lol, it’s just that I change my mind whether I love or hate him like constantly right now and I worry you all will get tired of me flip flopping, haha.

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