Archive | April 2013

Fucking the police

truckstop

So I went and saw the retired military policeman and we had a pretty good time.  Originally we were going to meet at a hotel and go out for drinks first but he ended up texting me a couple days before, saying he was going to be in town Sunday instead of Saturday and only for a few hours.  We could just meet at the truck stop. 

Normally, I wouldn’t have been especially keen on meeting and fucking a guy in his truck at a truck stop.  However, we’d met for drinks already the last time and he really did seem like someone I’d probably like.  He is nice looking, super tall (6’5”), very clean and a gentleman.  I enjoyed talking with him on our little date and thought, what the hell, why not?

He originally emailed me on the swinger site and the first time we met was only because I was going to be in his town anyway to see my fuck buddy.  He proposed that we meet up for drinks before I went to fuck him and it worked out great.  Fuck buddy was shaking his head that this guy was willing to do that, knowing I was coming to see HIM afterwards instead. After the date he DID say he was jealous that he wasn’t the one getting me that night, but he wasn’t pushy or anything.

According to his driver’s license, which he actually let me take a picture of before we had sex in his truck, he was born in 1966, so he’s actually 46, just like he said.  That makes him the oldest guy I’ve been with yet.  He’s good looking and in great shape, he says due to lifting all these metal bars he transports around on this flatbed truck. There was some mention of him possibly taking another officer job here soon.  He’s only been driving the truck about 6 months and claims I’m the only woman he’s had sex with in there yet.

The only thing that threw me for a loop was that he says that he currently lives with his daughter and grandchild when he is not driving the truck but that she is leaving to do some military work in Afghanistan for several months.  Okay, so while she’s gone his ex- wife is going to move back into his place to take care of the grandbaby.  He swears up and down they are actually divorced.  That sounds a bit suspect though, I mean, come on, seriously?  Haha  He was married for 20 years and did admit to having had an affair for the last 7 years.

His explanation of it all was that they still get along really well and have to for the kids (who are grown).  I asked wouldn’t it be awkward with them both seeing other people and he said no.  I don’t know about all that.  After I left, he texted that he’d hoped I had a good time and that I felt safe enough to delete his driver’s license photo.  Yeah right!  I copied that shit onto my computer.

Anyhow, when I arrived and pulled up next to his truck he came outside to meet me and had me step on up inside the cab.  I was wearing like 3 inch heels so a bit challenging, lol, but it was cool.  I’ve never been in a truck like that.  It was nice and clean and had a bed in the back.  He had it all set up with a tv and stereo system and everything you need on little pull out shelves, sort of like the inside of an RV.

We sat in there and talked for a while and he was telling me how much of a neat fanatic he is. He even irons his SOCKS.  LMAO.  Who does that??  Oh yeah, military guys always freaking LOVE ironing, it cracks me up! I iron NOTHING, thank you fluff cycle on the dryer.  He needs to come iron mine and my kids clothes sometime ;).  He irons his boxers too…and his handkerchiefs. 

Before we met up he had texted asking me about condoms and I said I’d feel better if he used them.  So he had a box of Trojans sitting there on the shelf when I came in.  As I suspected though, they never got touched.  He told me beforehand how careful he is about who he plays with and that he is allergic to penicillin and all kinds of meds so he can’t be getting any STD’s.  He also knows I am not on birth control and swore he didn’t want any more babies and would never cum inside me.  Still, as much as I hate the FEEL of condoms I still would have rather he worn one. 

He seemed to be emphasizing how little he plays.  He’s new to the swinger site but said he slept with one woman while her husband took pictures.  He also mentioned that he and his cousin tag team the cousin’s fiancé regularly.  Interesting…. On our first date he had mentioned that he played with two women with another guy for an extended period of time and said he has only been to one swinger party.

I’m thinking though, that how could a guy who is travelling around on this truck, with a bed in the back, NOT be playing more than that?  He says he just likes to be really selective and that he has always told these hookers at the truck stops that knock on their doors no (they call them “lizards”). 

He said he would really like to go to some parties with me sometime.  I’m thinking that could be interesting.  Not that it wouldn’t be fun, but what if we ran into the Professor?  Part of me would feel bad but really I have no obligation to him anymore. Enough about the Professor though, trying not to think about him.

Onto the sex, it was pretty darn good!   He’s more “vanilla” in the sense that he doesn’t like anything to do with tying people up or whips and chains.  Mostly that’s okay but I do think it would be fun to try handcuffs. He said maybe those but that’s about it and that he doesn’t spank a woman unless she asks him.  Boo, that takes all the fun out of it! I finally fuck a policeman and no handcuffs?  Dangit!  I didn’t comment though.  He also said he really doesn’t like to “fuck” but would rather “make love”. 

I don’t mind that at all and see myself as more on the lovemaking end of the spectrum too, but I do like a little roughness occasionally.  He said he also likes anal but wouldn’t push it.  Then he told me he likes his nipples licked and sucked on and that once when he was drunk the woman he had the affair with stuck her finger up his ass and he wasn’t opposed to that.  I’m thinking that might have been a hint, but I didn’t go there lol.  I’ve yet to do that with anyone, not that I think it’s that big of a deal.

We were kissing and got naked and he licked and sucked on my nipples before I got down on my knees and gave him a blowjob.  He had told me beforehand how much he likes eye contact so I made sure to give him a lot of that.  He kept commenting on how much he loves my green eyes.  Then he went down on me and OMG, he was pretty darn good at that!!  He made me cum a couple of times with his fingers and tongue and kept telling me how good I tasted. 😉

The setup of the bed in the back of the truck was really kind of perfect for having sex.  There were all kinds of places to put your feet or hold onto when the need arose, lmao.  We did all the normal positions, missionary, doggy, me riding him (which I always feel like is easier when you have something to hold onto and can move better), and a couple I’ve never tried before.  Like he had me lying on my side while he was on his knees on the bed and lifted up my leg and went in at an angle. He also had some little lights that I guess are supposed to be used for reading or something in the truck and he turned one right on my ass while he had me bent over the bed for awhile, lol, like a spotlight or something, too funny. 

He got a little more aggressive as the sex went on and I always enjoy that.  At first he seemed to want me to direct things and kept saying this was about me since he was going to cum no matter what.  Anyhow, lots of eye contact and kissing and he really liked that I again sucked his dick after we had been fucking awhile.  He said it really turns him on to see a woman taste her own juices.  I don’t know why guys like that so much but the Professor was the same way, lol.

We came to a stop at some point and he hadn’t cum yet, or at least that’s what he said.  He was like “I swear I didn’t cum inside you” and I’m thinking God I hope not!!  After the married man claiming he came inside me once without me knowing, I’m a tad paranoid. 

He said he had to take a break and that he could see he was going to have to stay in shape to keep up with me.  Then he was telling me how much he loves my body and how wet I was and that he couldn’t get over how passionate I am in bed and that I’d appeared shy to him at first.  Yeah, guys tend to think that but once the clothes come off the game changes!  😉

So during our little break he cuddled with me and we watched some porn.  While it was on he asked me to come sit on his face, facing forward so I could still see the TV.  So he was licking me and fingered me to an orgasm, saying he wanted to see if he could make me squirt.  That didn’t happen but it did feel really good and then I rode him reverse cowgirl for a bit before going back to missionary and then him jacking off onto my chest. 

He very nicely wiped me up with paper towels afterwards, lol and said that he was glad he wasn’t going to be able to shower for the next day while driving because he wanted to still be able to smell me.  We talked and cuddled just a little bit more before I said I needed to head back home and he walked me back to my vehicle and gave me a hug and a kiss.  He says he will be back in a week or so and would really like to see me again but not to worry he is not a stalker.  If he wants to hook up he will just text and see if I am interested.  Works for me!!   Maybe I’ll get over the Professor sooner than expected after all. 😉

Does he miss me?

I happened to look at the swinger site tonight and saw that the Professor had viewed my profile. I wonder why? It’s bringing all sorts of feelings up that I’ve been trying to push aside.

I know it could mean nothing. Maybe he was just checking to see if I’d removed the little blurb I had on there about HIM. Before, I’d put down that I had someone I play with sometimes, if anyone wanted to play with us together and gave a brief description. I took it down the other day when it seemed like stuff was truly over with us.

I haven’t talked to him for 5 days. I don’t even have the desire to try and contact him because I felt so hopeless with our last conversation. He seemed bent on ending things and believing that I’m just too much trouble and work for him. He said his relationship with that married woman was more valuable to him right now and that cut like a knife. I was pretty much speechless after that and just said ok, goodbye and hung up the phone. I was choking back tears and I’m sure he could hear it in my voice.

So I don’t know if he’s missing me or maybe just feeling sorry for me. I really don’t want anyone’s pity. If he doesn’t want to be with me for my own merits, screw it. Of course, being a typical female, now I’m going to analyze this whole thing to death though. Does he miss me?? Wah!! 😦

Who knows, maybe he was showing someone ELSE my profile and telling them who he USED to play with. There’s really no telling. I know what I WANT it to be. I want to believe he misses me and regrets what he said. Wonder what the chances are of that? Probably shouldn’t get my hopes up. :/

I’m sure on some level he’s GOT to miss the sex at least. But maybe not. Men have that reputation for wanting more variety and getting bored with the same person more easily.

He’s always claiming I over-exaggerate his ability to find women to sleep with but I’m not so sure. There are lots of options out there in the swinging community and it’s not like he was having trouble before he met me. There’s been several women who’ve at least asked him to meet with them since we’ve been together, though he mostly turned them down and chose to be with me instead.

I never told him he had to do that or anything but he acts as though he was doing me a favor. He also claimed that his reason for not seeing the married woman for so long was partly because of me. According to him, he didn’t want to upset me too much. I think he resented this, but really he was making assumptions, not basing it on any actual statements on my part. Not that I don’t understand, I greatly curtailed the amount of outside sex I was having so as not to hurt him too because I knew he didn’t like it.

I think maybe he thought being done with me would give him more freedom and he can just do whatever the hell he wants without thinking about anyone else’s feelings. That’s true, to an extent it would give him that. Sometimes though, endless No Strings Attached sex can still make a person feel pretty lonely. I think even for men.

Maybe he needs time to figure that out for himself, and by then maybe he will find someone he’d rather be with than me. Or maybe he really is much happier with that married woman for whatever reason. Maybe he didn’t ever like me all that much. I don’t know but I’m still aching inside and I definitely miss the sex. A connection like that doesn’t really come that easily, at least in my experience.

I guess on the plus side I can have less guilt about playing with whomever in the mean time. I mean, this isn’t like a regular relationship and he didn’t want that with me anyway. It was open anyhow, lol. So while I do feel kinda bad when I meet with other guys I know I don’t have a legit reason to stop doing so.

I went out on a date tonight with a new guy. We met at his apartment. I was a little reluctant to do so at first but he called and assured me over the phone that he was “not like other guys” and that I had nothing to fear. He sounded sincere enough.

So I showed up and he was just as nice looking as his pics. He was a tall, attractive, in shape and nice guy. We talked and had nice conversation. He then took me out for ice cream and gave me a bouquet of flowers. See?

flowers

But he didn’t even kiss me goodbye. :p I wonder if he was even attracted to me? He did mention how he loved that I always seemed to be smiling. Still, I just felt a distinct lack of chemistry. Maybe it was due to the fact that he is fresh out of a recent breakup (as am I). He said his ex cheated on him with another man and now she is pregnant and doesn’t know if the baby belongs to him or the new guy but she’s made it clear she WANTS it to belong to the new dude. Ouch. He’d just moved out to a hotel a couple months ago and then to this apartment within the past couple of days. There were still boxes around though the living room was set up nicely.

In any case, I left and haven’t heard from him yet. I’m not sure I really want to. It’s not that there is anything lacking about him specifically, just wasn’t really a sexual vibe. I’m pretty sure he’s not the type that would be okay with the fact that I’m sleeping with other guys and I’m not wanting to hurt anyone either.

I HAVE heard from that other guy a couple times (the one I slept with the other night that wasn’t so well endowed). I’ve been polite but not trying to get his hopes up too much. I told him I’m busy this weekend and I had mentioned the swinger site to him before and he said he checked it out and is enjoying it. Maybe that will be a good distraction to keep him from being too interested in me.

I still have plans to meet with that one older guy for sex later this weekend. I’ll let you all know how that goes! I have to admit that I really do miss the Professor a lot. 😦 Trying not to think too much about what he might be up to. :/

Drying the tears

Ironically, the Professor actually sang this song to me once, after we’d had sex. It came on the stereo and he said he’d sung it as part of a duet when he was in show choir in high school. :/

Everything is reminding me of him. Last night I woke up from a dream that he was crying and sending me a bunch of text messages saying he missed me. Then I dreamt that he sent a video of his day at work, just couldn’t get him out of my subconscious I guess. I took my kids out for frozen custard and of course it was to the same place where he’d taken us before. I emailed with a guy off Craigslist about riding his Sybian (lol) and guess where he lives? It sounds like it’s the same freaking apartment complex as the Professor!!

Now I’m thinking if I try and actually follow through with that the Prof might see my vehicle and think I’m stalking him! LOL Um, no, I was just err, visiting this guy I met off Craigslist that I’m not even attracted to because it sounded like a fun idea to ride his Sybian? LMAO. I do want to try it again and this guy looks relatively harmless, as opposed to some guys I’d emailed with off there in the past. He looks like someone’s dad.

I had contemplated doing something like that once when the Prof and I were still talking and he wasn’t too keen on the idea. He thought it sounded dangerous and like some random guy off Craigslist wouldn’t really just want to watch, like he says. The exhibitionist in me thinks it would be fun to have him just watch, lol, but he doesn’t look like someone I’d want to sleep with. I don’t want to feel obligated. Still, like I said, this guy seems pretty decent and respectable and it sounds like he’s done this before.

Still, it seems like a fun way to get my rocks off and not actually have to have sex with someone and maybe regret it afterwards. Oh, and the motor ran out on my vibrator and I have to get a new one so I’m going crazy in the meantime! BAD TIMING!! Sheesh. No more sex with my favorite person and my freaking sex toy fails me too. Dangit! LOL Thank God for my shower massager. I had to use it twice today.

Anyhow I do have a date planned for this weekend, for sex, with the guy I met right before seeing my fuck buddy while the Professor was out of town. He is a retired military police officer, a couple years older than the professor, but in awesome shape and he’s nice looking too. Now that he’s retired he drives some kind of flatbed truck around and he says that loading it gives him a great workout and that’s why he has six pack abs. I can handle that! LOL Maybe I’ll get lucky and he’ll have an old pair of handcuffs hanging around somewhere 😉 ;).

I met him on the swinger site and he seems really nice. I actually responded to his email because something about his pics and attitude reminded me a little bit of the Professor. He’s 6’5″ (!!!) and he’s done the swinging thing in another state over the past few years but before that he was married for 20 years. He said he used to paint his wife’s toenails for her and was telling me how in a pinch you can do French tips using whiteout, lol. Maybe I can get a pedicure while I’m there too!

Ha, I’m playing but he is back in town and wanted to meet me at a hotel between here and where he lives before he takes off again on his truck. I’m thinking that sounds fun right now. According to him he really likes to go down on women and sometimes use toys. Plus he’s got an 8 inch cock. 😉 He was gonna take me out for drinks again beforehand.

Oh, and I’ve got another possible date lined up the day before with a guy who also says he just moved here. I met this one on Plenty of Fish. He’s a couple years younger than me and his pics are pretty cute with a really nice smile. He works with special needs kids and is also a personal trainer. He plays on a local basketball league too. We’ve texted back and forth a little bit and so far I like him.

Meanwhile I’ve resurrected my OkCupid profile. I still had it but the email inbox was full and I hadn’t bothered to update it for a long time. The minute I cleared out old emails and put up a couple new pics I was being inundated with zillions of new guys trying to hit me up.

Sometimes the dating sites are a little overwhelming. Like I don’t have time to email everyone back and keep up with the amount of guys that are contacting me all at once. I had to disable instant messaging on that site and POF because it’s just too freaking crazy.

I even got a hate mail already from some dude because he had emailed me and so I clicked on his profile but didn’t have a chance to write him or anything. He lived too far away anyway so it didn’t seem worth my time. Anyhow, his first email said “nice smile” and when I clicked on his profile he sent me this:

Yea most of you American females just aren’t that appreciative. I take back the compliment.

I’m thinking, God what a dick. So I clicked on his profile again to see where the hell he was from that he was making nasty comments about “American” females. I of course didn’t bother to respond to his hating and he so he sent me this:

You need to stop viewing my profile since you can’t appreciate a genuine compliment from a stranger. All you women do on here is ignore men who are trying to talk and have a decent conversation. I have to admit that western women are really no good when it comes to dating/relationships and it’s no surprise a lot of you are single and lonely at an older age. I don’t know why it’s so hard talking to western women. Good luck and please don’t view my profile anymore.

Not wanting to buy into his needless drama, I ignored the comment and didn’t look at his profile again. SO he then sends me THIS:

Most of you women are on here for the attention and to boost your ego. Too bad men have to deal with this crap.

Wha?? Sheesh! Chill the fuck out already, seriously!! And you wonder why women don’t respond back to you?? UGH

Oh and I’ve gotten like ten emails already with comments about my boobs. They are like “nice chest” or “nice peaches”. WTF? Are we in middle school again? Like really? That is so crass. I’m not even wearing a super revealing top or anything. I’m in a sundress in the pics and you can see a little bit of cleavage but it’s not trashy looking at all. Men… I swear, would anyone really be jumping at the chance to email back a guy who is all grunt, grunt “nice tits you got there”? SMFH

Anyway, wish me luck! I so need to get my mind off the Professor. :/ It would be nice not to break into tears several times a day. I’m not quite there yet, but I’m working on it.

Perfect post breakup indulgences :)

Yay!!! I am so excited!! I just found out that I won three really awesome prizes from a raffle that the place I go for my pole dancing lessons had the other night.

I was actually kind of depressed and sad when I went to a little party they had the other night and only knew a couple ladies and talked to a couple others but was feeling more shy and quiet because of the stress with the Professor. In any case, I bought a few raffle tickets and hoped for the best.

I won, I won, I won!! I won a free 60 minute massage, my nails done (I hope its fingers AND toes, I think it is) and a free Brazillian wax!! I am totally stoked!!

Awesome way to pamper myself while trying to feel better, no? 🙂 I’ve never even had a professional massage and I’ve always wanted one! I’ve never had a Brazillian wax either. I always just shave but this is awesome! I wanted to try a wax, just couldn’t afford it. That and I wasn’t sure how long you have to let it grow before they can do that and letting it grow didn’t sound appealing since I shave pretty regularly, lol. Still, I’m looking forward to having a super smooth, baby soft pussy 😉 Too bad the Professor won’t be around to feel it. HA!

I have every intention of getting myself back together and moving on. It sucks but I know I’m worth more than he gave me credit for. I think in the long run he’s losing out because I don’t believe it’s as easy to find women who are like me as he thinks and willing to BE in an open relationship. Eventually someone will either want monogamy or he will be feeling pretty lonely just messing with married women and not having someone who can be there to give him regular doses of affection and lives close by AND lets him play. Good luck with that….

Feeling this today….

I found this blog post off a link from Twitter. Wow… Hits a little too close to home. Emotionally unavailable men, story of my life….

A Letter to Emotionally Unavailable Men

Oh and How to Know He Loves You: Stress Him Out

This one seems to be something I do intuitively. I stressed him out and he bailed. So, now I know. It was all a farce. Painful to find out the truth but probably better now than later.

Breaking up is hard to do :(

I feel like I can barely breathe, let alone write.  The grief is debilitating.  I’m not getting anything done.  I know I have to get past this.  Why does it have to be so hard? 

I know I should have hope for the future, I know I should be able to see past this and know I can find someone else.  Really though, at this point my motivation is low.  It’s like I find someone I really think is great and it turns out they never really cared in the first place.  I can’t trust my own judgment. 

The worst part isn’t ending things with someone that was good in bed, though that IS a factor.  It’s being abandoned by someone I really wanted to learn how to work things out with.  It’s being rejected for another woman and feeling like something must be wrong with ME, and not knowing how to fix it.

It’s the everyday interactions too.  We talked A LOT.  He was the only person I told in detail about all the things that have been going on in my life lately and it’s been a whole lot of stress.  I really needed that support from someone and it’s gone.  I feel so abandoned, in every sense, because I lost a friend, or I guess what I thought was a friend.  Real friends don’t just walk out on you like this.

I’m crushed that he seems to think the worst of me and I felt like I was trying my best.  I’m not in a place to be as giving as I want to be but I did give to him in the ways that I was able. I’m broke but I showed him I cared in a lot of ways that maybe never meant anything.  I keep thinking of the various things I did to give him a bit of myself and out of my heart and wondering if he ever even noticed. 

This is kind of killing my desire to be in an open relationship.  If I couldn’t do it with him, how could I ever manage with someone else?  I feel like a failure at all of this. 

I agree with him that it all should be fun and carefree.  I just feel like he’s being unrealistic in his expectations of me.  How can you expect a woman who cares about you to not need any reassurance that things are going to be okay?  He kept saying that he did all this stuff for me and I should already know but that doesn’t make it any easier to let go when he’s playing with someone that I feel threatened by. 

I was able to handle it fine when he played with people that he wasn’t emotionally involved with but this married woman was just an issue from the very beginning.  He’d say he saw us both equally but he wasn’t, in my mind, or from what I could see, being really “fair” in his treatment of me.  He seemed to be disregarding my feelings and turning on me whenever she was around and I just couldn’t take that.  It hurt too much.

From his point of view, he said that things were a certain way before I came along and I was expecting him to change that and he was unwilling.  Thing is, I didn’t ever ask him to change what he was doing, just to take my feelings into consideration and remember that I’m here now too.  I didn’t ask him not to see her, just to give me affirmation that it wasn’t going to change his relationship with ME.  He said he couldn’t give me what I needed.  OUCH.

He said things with me reminded him too much of his ex-wife.  That is frustrating because there were several times he seemed to assume I was going to react a certain way to something and treated me as though I were and I WASN’T.  Like when he ignored me after having sex with this woman he said it was because he “knew” I was going to give him shit.  Well, no, I was actually trying really hard NOT to and just needed him to be present with me and reconnect.  Instead he acted angry and completely ignored me, which was the worst thing anyone could do when I was already fearing abandonment.

So I feel like he is placing HIS baggage on ME.  I guess everyone does that to an extent in relationships.  Maybe someday he will realize that and maybe not. 

In any case, my deepest issue is probably abandonment.  I tried to explain stuff to him because I wanted him to know how to help make it okay but I think he saw it as “demanding”.  It’s so hard sometimes to know how to communicate something like that without coming across that way.  I don’t want to DEMAND his affection, just trying to show him what kinds of things tend to make me flip out, to try and PREVENT that. 

I was abandoned by both of my parents and pretty much by everyone I’ve ever cared for in my entire life, except my grandmother, though even she was missing during some key times during my childhood.  I don’t know that I could ever completely get over that but someone willing to show a little understanding and work with me, could go a long way in helping avoid the kind of traumatic response I had here to being ignored. 

I did kind of flip out on him but it wasn’t until he’d been ignoring me for a long time. I managed to hold it in for a while, hoping he would reconnect and make things right but it didn’t happen and the emotions just got the best of me.  It’s like I think I’ve come a really long way but enough stress can provoke me to act in ways that I regret later anyway.  Thankfully I didn’t do anything really dangerous or crazy but I hate the thoughts that were in my mind and I did say something that was pretty mean and I wish I could take back. It’s a lot better than I could have done in some relationships past, so I guess I’ve at least matured and moved forward some, I just wish progress came faster and easier.

So I can see, in a lot of ways how this was my fault.  I just don’t know what to do about it.  I feel like I’m trying and getting nowhere fast because I just continue to fail in my efforts.  It’s like I can’t do anything right and it’s not helping my self- esteem much at all. 

Where to go from here?  I don’t know.  The road ahead is looking pretty bleak and forlorn at the moment. Sure, I can have lots of random and meaningless sex but I really do want someone in my life that is more than that.  I just don’t know if I can trust myself to go there.

Right now, I don’t think I could even talk to the Professor if he contacted me.  I’m just too torn up and in pain.  I don’t want any false hope of reconciliation like he was trying to give me the last time we talked with lines like “maybe later on, when I’m more ready for this kind of relationship”.  Yeah, like when does that ever happen? 

Ugh.  He seemed so perfect to me.  He fit into my life so nicely and I thought we could have a lot of fun together.  He did all those things for me that I felt meant a lot and he still claims they did but then why would he be so reluctant to want a “relationship”?  What the hell did we have?  Who spends all that time talking to and doing stuff for someone they don’t want a “relationship” with?  I’m so freaking confused.  The first time in my life a guy treats me that well and it didn’t mean anything?  I’m about to start crying all over again.  This is killing me.

 

 

Trying to keep it moving :/

Heart-break_OM-Times

Well, it looks like the Professor and I are done seeing one another.  I’m still reeling from the pain and don’t really even want to write about it much.  Suffice it to say that we are “broken up”.  My heart feels like it’s been run over by a steamroller.

 He fed me all kinds of typical one liners about WHY.  He even said “it’s not you, it’s me”,” maybe we will get back together in the future when I’m ready for a different kind of relationship” and “this hurts me too”.  He claims that he still has feelings for me. Then I asked him if he valued the relationship he has with the married woman more than the one he has with me.  He said he didn’t until now, when I supposedly caused all the trouble by giving him drama about it.

 According to him the reason he got into the Lifestyle was to get away from drama and this situation with me has caused too much of it and is too much like a typical monogamous relationship. I love how he tries to pin all the drama on me as though he wasn’t doing anything to cause it, or giving  me any himself.  Ugh!  Well, he did admit that he has been getting jealous too and said maybe it all was more his issues (hence the “it’s not you it’s me” bullshit).  

I don’t know but fuck him.  I guess it’s time to move on.  I’m upset with myself for letting down my guard.   I really do have feelings for him and I’ve done a lot of crying and very little eating for the past couple of weeks. :/ 

I wasn’t trying to give him drama.  I really thought I was trying NOT to do that.  I felt like I was doing much better than I’ve done in some monogamous relationships but I don’t know.  Maybe I’m just not cut out for this open stuff.  It seems like if it had been handled differently it may have been easier but really it’s just a scary thing sharing someone you have feelings for, when you don’t have the reassurance that you won’t be abandoned for another person.  It seems like in this case all my fears were reinforced, because in the end I do feel like I’ve been abandoned for someone else.

I feel sick.   On the plus side there are still other men in my life.  In a shameless appeal for some attention from a few of them I decided to take a few new naughty pics and send them out.  Well, the idea actually hit me because the married man had contacted me late last night asking if I’d meet him halfway right then (yeah right).  So he and I exchanged a few pics and I was like fuck it, I’m sending these out to everyone!  Ha. 

I’d say it worked because the guy I had the affair with was trying to get me to set up a time for him to come down again, the fwb was talking about coming to visit when he gets back from Atlanta (where he is now) and got a couple other guys telling me they missed me.  Men are so easy. 😉

Anyhow, all the crying had left me with some pretty red, puffy, swollen eyes but I treated them with cucumber slices and ice and potatoes and decided to respond to a Craigslist ad tonight.  I exchanged face pics with a cute guy and agreed to meet up for drinks. 

After enjoying a margarita and talking for a bit we decided to head back to his place.  It’s actually very close to mine, like I could probably WALK there if I wanted to.  It might take like 30 minutes if I did but is a very short drive.  I didn’t tell him just how close by I happen to live but he knows the general vicinity. 

So anyhow we hung out and talked for a bit at his house.  He told me some crazy stories about how he moved down here from Chicago with some friend who got busted for selling large amounts of cocaine and now is serving life in prison.  I admit that had me a little concerned, but he swears up and down he had no part in this operation. 

In any case he was nice looking and clean and had a clean, nice townhome where he lives by himself.  He’s my age and said he’s single as the sunlight.  I think I made it pretty clear I was just looking for sex.  I admit my mind was thinking “one night stand” pretty much from the start. He doesn’t seem like someone I’d really want a relationship with.  He smokes and drinks quite a bit and smokes pot but didn’t lay claims to doing anything else.  Still, the stories were enough to keep me from wanting to go there with him! 

So I thought this will just be an NSA thing and maybe it will help me in my quest to get over the Professor.  I had just spoken with the Prof before I went to see this guy and we weren’t “completely” broken off until after, so he knew about it.  Honestly he kept popping up in my mind during the sex, so it was hard in that sense but I know I need to get over him.

So we finally made our way up to his bedroom and he went down on me and fingered me and it was pretty good.  THEN he took off his pants.  :/  Let’s just say it might make me recant my position on not wanting a guy with a large cock because I was pretty disappointed to see that he was fairly small.  Like, maybe possibly the smallest cock I have ever seen on a man (well, I’ve seen some pictures of small ones on the swinger site but not seen them in person).  It was not only shortish, but pretty thin as well.  He was black too, by the way.  Poor guy. 

Despite having a small cock, he really did make an effort to make the sex good.  For his size he didn’t do a bad job I guess, but my heart wasn’t in it.  I was still thinking of the Professor and hurting over him and I just couldn’t be fully present.  He made some comment about how I just kept cumming and cumming and cumming and I was thinking um, no actually I haven’t cum yet but I didn’t tell him that of course. I did get kinda close a couple times but I just didn’t get there.

He wore a condom, which is good but also lessens the feeling.  A couple of times he lost his erection too and was like “I shouldn’t have jacked off earlier today, I did it for like an hour looking at your pic”.  Um, okay.  He was on top a lot of the time but also wanted me to spend a lot of time riding him (my least favorite position).  To his credit he was able to last a long time, but it was probably too long.  I kind of wanted it to be over with. 

I also spent an inordinate amount of time sucking his dick, which he loved.  He was like “you are really skilled at that”.  Sigh…  Well, I mean it was pretty easy to get most all of it in my mouth so it wasn’t a big chore or anything but it took him a long time to cum.  He tried to go back in me without a condom once and I wouldn’t let him. 

Afterwards I jumped up to clean off and get dressed and didn’t give him a chance to try and cuddle or kiss me.  I did hug him goodbye and he kept saying he would love to see me again and he hoped I wanted to see him again.  I feel kind of bad because I’m not sure I would.  He was like “you aren’t answering that and it makes me feel kind of bad”.  Ugh.  I didn’t want to hurt anyone and now I feel like I kind of used him. He hasn’t contacted me since though so maybe he won’t. I mean, he was nice and everything but I’m not into him.

I also met a new guy last week.  It was when the Professor was out of town and I was going to see my fuck buddy to keep myself occupied.  This guy lived in the same town as he does, so we decided to meet for a drink before I went to go sleep with the fuck buddy.  He was actually a pretty cool guy, a couple years older than the Professor and I think could be good in bed from the way he talks.  He’s out of town until next week but we will see. 

At the time the fuck buddy was incredulous that some guy was willing to meet with me knowing I was going to leave and come fuck HIM right after, lol, but I did meet him on the swinger site.  As he was kissing me goodbye he was like “boy, he’s a really lucky man tonight I wish it was me” or something to that effect.

I’m trying to keep myself occupied and sleeping with other people until my head and heart are in the right place again.  I don’t want to hurt anyone but just trying to get my mind off the Professor.  This stuff with him the past couple weeks has just left me feeling really broken.  I guess I should have known it would end eventually but I feel blindsided by it all.  I was finally admitting to myself that I was falling in love and then this….:(