Archive | April 2013

Fucking the police

truckstop

So I went and saw the retired military policeman and we had a pretty good time.  Originally we were going to meet at a hotel and go out for drinks first but he ended up texting me a couple days before, saying he was going to be in town Sunday instead of Saturday and only for a few hours.  We could just meet at the truck stop. 

Normally, I wouldn’t have been especially keen on meeting and fucking a guy in his truck at a truck stop.  However, we’d met for drinks already the last time and he really did seem like someone I’d probably like.  He is nice looking, super tall (6’5”), very clean and a gentleman.  I enjoyed talking with him on our little date and thought, what the hell, why not?

He originally emailed me on the swinger site and the first time we met was only because I was going to be in his town anyway to see my fuck buddy.  He proposed that we meet up for drinks before I went to fuck him and it worked out great.  Fuck buddy was shaking his head that this guy was willing to do that, knowing I was coming to see HIM afterwards instead. After the date he DID say he was jealous that he wasn’t the one getting me that night, but he wasn’t pushy or anything.

According to his driver’s license, which he actually let me take a picture of before we had sex in his truck, he was born in 1966, so he’s actually 46, just like he said.  That makes him the oldest guy I’ve been with yet.  He’s good looking and in great shape, he says due to lifting all these metal bars he transports around on this flatbed truck. There was some mention of him possibly taking another officer job here soon.  He’s only been driving the truck about 6 months and claims I’m the only woman he’s had sex with in there yet.

The only thing that threw me for a loop was that he says that he currently lives with his daughter and grandchild when he is not driving the truck but that she is leaving to do some military work in Afghanistan for several months.  Okay, so while she’s gone his ex- wife is going to move back into his place to take care of the grandbaby.  He swears up and down they are actually divorced.  That sounds a bit suspect though, I mean, come on, seriously?  Haha  He was married for 20 years and did admit to having had an affair for the last 7 years.

His explanation of it all was that they still get along really well and have to for the kids (who are grown).  I asked wouldn’t it be awkward with them both seeing other people and he said no.  I don’t know about all that.  After I left, he texted that he’d hoped I had a good time and that I felt safe enough to delete his driver’s license photo.  Yeah right!  I copied that shit onto my computer.

Anyhow, when I arrived and pulled up next to his truck he came outside to meet me and had me step on up inside the cab.  I was wearing like 3 inch heels so a bit challenging, lol, but it was cool.  I’ve never been in a truck like that.  It was nice and clean and had a bed in the back.  He had it all set up with a tv and stereo system and everything you need on little pull out shelves, sort of like the inside of an RV.

We sat in there and talked for a while and he was telling me how much of a neat fanatic he is. He even irons his SOCKS.  LMAO.  Who does that??  Oh yeah, military guys always freaking LOVE ironing, it cracks me up! I iron NOTHING, thank you fluff cycle on the dryer.  He needs to come iron mine and my kids clothes sometime ;).  He irons his boxers too…and his handkerchiefs. 

Before we met up he had texted asking me about condoms and I said I’d feel better if he used them.  So he had a box of Trojans sitting there on the shelf when I came in.  As I suspected though, they never got touched.  He told me beforehand how careful he is about who he plays with and that he is allergic to penicillin and all kinds of meds so he can’t be getting any STD’s.  He also knows I am not on birth control and swore he didn’t want any more babies and would never cum inside me.  Still, as much as I hate the FEEL of condoms I still would have rather he worn one. 

He seemed to be emphasizing how little he plays.  He’s new to the swinger site but said he slept with one woman while her husband took pictures.  He also mentioned that he and his cousin tag team the cousin’s fiancé regularly.  Interesting…. On our first date he had mentioned that he played with two women with another guy for an extended period of time and said he has only been to one swinger party.

I’m thinking though, that how could a guy who is travelling around on this truck, with a bed in the back, NOT be playing more than that?  He says he just likes to be really selective and that he has always told these hookers at the truck stops that knock on their doors no (they call them “lizards”). 

He said he would really like to go to some parties with me sometime.  I’m thinking that could be interesting.  Not that it wouldn’t be fun, but what if we ran into the Professor?  Part of me would feel bad but really I have no obligation to him anymore. Enough about the Professor though, trying not to think about him.

Onto the sex, it was pretty darn good!   He’s more “vanilla” in the sense that he doesn’t like anything to do with tying people up or whips and chains.  Mostly that’s okay but I do think it would be fun to try handcuffs. He said maybe those but that’s about it and that he doesn’t spank a woman unless she asks him.  Boo, that takes all the fun out of it! I finally fuck a policeman and no handcuffs?  Dangit!  I didn’t comment though.  He also said he really doesn’t like to “fuck” but would rather “make love”. 

I don’t mind that at all and see myself as more on the lovemaking end of the spectrum too, but I do like a little roughness occasionally.  He said he also likes anal but wouldn’t push it.  Then he told me he likes his nipples licked and sucked on and that once when he was drunk the woman he had the affair with stuck her finger up his ass and he wasn’t opposed to that.  I’m thinking that might have been a hint, but I didn’t go there lol.  I’ve yet to do that with anyone, not that I think it’s that big of a deal.

We were kissing and got naked and he licked and sucked on my nipples before I got down on my knees and gave him a blowjob.  He had told me beforehand how much he likes eye contact so I made sure to give him a lot of that.  He kept commenting on how much he loves my green eyes.  Then he went down on me and OMG, he was pretty darn good at that!!  He made me cum a couple of times with his fingers and tongue and kept telling me how good I tasted. 😉

The setup of the bed in the back of the truck was really kind of perfect for having sex.  There were all kinds of places to put your feet or hold onto when the need arose, lmao.  We did all the normal positions, missionary, doggy, me riding him (which I always feel like is easier when you have something to hold onto and can move better), and a couple I’ve never tried before.  Like he had me lying on my side while he was on his knees on the bed and lifted up my leg and went in at an angle. He also had some little lights that I guess are supposed to be used for reading or something in the truck and he turned one right on my ass while he had me bent over the bed for awhile, lol, like a spotlight or something, too funny. 

He got a little more aggressive as the sex went on and I always enjoy that.  At first he seemed to want me to direct things and kept saying this was about me since he was going to cum no matter what.  Anyhow, lots of eye contact and kissing and he really liked that I again sucked his dick after we had been fucking awhile.  He said it really turns him on to see a woman taste her own juices.  I don’t know why guys like that so much but the Professor was the same way, lol.

We came to a stop at some point and he hadn’t cum yet, or at least that’s what he said.  He was like “I swear I didn’t cum inside you” and I’m thinking God I hope not!!  After the married man claiming he came inside me once without me knowing, I’m a tad paranoid. 

He said he had to take a break and that he could see he was going to have to stay in shape to keep up with me.  Then he was telling me how much he loves my body and how wet I was and that he couldn’t get over how passionate I am in bed and that I’d appeared shy to him at first.  Yeah, guys tend to think that but once the clothes come off the game changes!  😉

So during our little break he cuddled with me and we watched some porn.  While it was on he asked me to come sit on his face, facing forward so I could still see the TV.  So he was licking me and fingered me to an orgasm, saying he wanted to see if he could make me squirt.  That didn’t happen but it did feel really good and then I rode him reverse cowgirl for a bit before going back to missionary and then him jacking off onto my chest. 

He very nicely wiped me up with paper towels afterwards, lol and said that he was glad he wasn’t going to be able to shower for the next day while driving because he wanted to still be able to smell me.  We talked and cuddled just a little bit more before I said I needed to head back home and he walked me back to my vehicle and gave me a hug and a kiss.  He says he will be back in a week or so and would really like to see me again but not to worry he is not a stalker.  If he wants to hook up he will just text and see if I am interested.  Works for me!!   Maybe I’ll get over the Professor sooner than expected after all. 😉

Does he miss me?

I happened to look at the swinger site tonight and saw that the Professor had viewed my profile. I wonder why? It’s bringing all sorts of feelings up that I’ve been trying to push aside.

I know it could mean nothing. Maybe he was just checking to see if I’d removed the little blurb I had on there about HIM. Before, I’d put down that I had someone I play with sometimes, if anyone wanted to play with us together and gave a brief description. I took it down the other day when it seemed like stuff was truly over with us.

I haven’t talked to him for 5 days. I don’t even have the desire to try and contact him because I felt so hopeless with our last conversation. He seemed bent on ending things and believing that I’m just too much trouble and work for him. He said his relationship with that married woman was more valuable to him right now and that cut like a knife. I was pretty much speechless after that and just said ok, goodbye and hung up the phone. I was choking back tears and I’m sure he could hear it in my voice.

So I don’t know if he’s missing me or maybe just feeling sorry for me. I really don’t want anyone’s pity. If he doesn’t want to be with me for my own merits, screw it. Of course, being a typical female, now I’m going to analyze this whole thing to death though. Does he miss me?? Wah!! 😦

Who knows, maybe he was showing someone ELSE my profile and telling them who he USED to play with. There’s really no telling. I know what I WANT it to be. I want to believe he misses me and regrets what he said. Wonder what the chances are of that? Probably shouldn’t get my hopes up. :/

I’m sure on some level he’s GOT to miss the sex at least. But maybe not. Men have that reputation for wanting more variety and getting bored with the same person more easily.

He’s always claiming I over-exaggerate his ability to find women to sleep with but I’m not so sure. There are lots of options out there in the swinging community and it’s not like he was having trouble before he met me. There’s been several women who’ve at least asked him to meet with them since we’ve been together, though he mostly turned them down and chose to be with me instead.

I never told him he had to do that or anything but he acts as though he was doing me a favor. He also claimed that his reason for not seeing the married woman for so long was partly because of me. According to him, he didn’t want to upset me too much. I think he resented this, but really he was making assumptions, not basing it on any actual statements on my part. Not that I don’t understand, I greatly curtailed the amount of outside sex I was having so as not to hurt him too because I knew he didn’t like it.

I think maybe he thought being done with me would give him more freedom and he can just do whatever the hell he wants without thinking about anyone else’s feelings. That’s true, to an extent it would give him that. Sometimes though, endless No Strings Attached sex can still make a person feel pretty lonely. I think even for men.

Maybe he needs time to figure that out for himself, and by then maybe he will find someone he’d rather be with than me. Or maybe he really is much happier with that married woman for whatever reason. Maybe he didn’t ever like me all that much. I don’t know but I’m still aching inside and I definitely miss the sex. A connection like that doesn’t really come that easily, at least in my experience.

I guess on the plus side I can have less guilt about playing with whomever in the mean time. I mean, this isn’t like a regular relationship and he didn’t want that with me anyway. It was open anyhow, lol. So while I do feel kinda bad when I meet with other guys I know I don’t have a legit reason to stop doing so.

I went out on a date tonight with a new guy. We met at his apartment. I was a little reluctant to do so at first but he called and assured me over the phone that he was “not like other guys” and that I had nothing to fear. He sounded sincere enough.

So I showed up and he was just as nice looking as his pics. He was a tall, attractive, in shape and nice guy. We talked and had nice conversation. He then took me out for ice cream and gave me a bouquet of flowers. See?

flowers

But he didn’t even kiss me goodbye. :p I wonder if he was even attracted to me? He did mention how he loved that I always seemed to be smiling. Still, I just felt a distinct lack of chemistry. Maybe it was due to the fact that he is fresh out of a recent breakup (as am I). He said his ex cheated on him with another man and now she is pregnant and doesn’t know if the baby belongs to him or the new guy but she’s made it clear she WANTS it to belong to the new dude. Ouch. He’d just moved out to a hotel a couple months ago and then to this apartment within the past couple of days. There were still boxes around though the living room was set up nicely.

In any case, I left and haven’t heard from him yet. I’m not sure I really want to. It’s not that there is anything lacking about him specifically, just wasn’t really a sexual vibe. I’m pretty sure he’s not the type that would be okay with the fact that I’m sleeping with other guys and I’m not wanting to hurt anyone either.

I HAVE heard from that other guy a couple times (the one I slept with the other night that wasn’t so well endowed). I’ve been polite but not trying to get his hopes up too much. I told him I’m busy this weekend and I had mentioned the swinger site to him before and he said he checked it out and is enjoying it. Maybe that will be a good distraction to keep him from being too interested in me.

I still have plans to meet with that one older guy for sex later this weekend. I’ll let you all know how that goes! I have to admit that I really do miss the Professor a lot. 😦 Trying not to think too much about what he might be up to. :/

Drying the tears

Ironically, the Professor actually sang this song to me once, after we’d had sex. It came on the stereo and he said he’d sung it as part of a duet when he was in show choir in high school. :/

Everything is reminding me of him. Last night I woke up from a dream that he was crying and sending me a bunch of text messages saying he missed me. Then I dreamt that he sent a video of his day at work, just couldn’t get him out of my subconscious I guess. I took my kids out for frozen custard and of course it was to the same place where he’d taken us before. I emailed with a guy off Craigslist about riding his Sybian (lol) and guess where he lives? It sounds like it’s the same freaking apartment complex as the Professor!!

Now I’m thinking if I try and actually follow through with that the Prof might see my vehicle and think I’m stalking him! LOL Um, no, I was just err, visiting this guy I met off Craigslist that I’m not even attracted to because it sounded like a fun idea to ride his Sybian? LMAO. I do want to try it again and this guy looks relatively harmless, as opposed to some guys I’d emailed with off there in the past. He looks like someone’s dad.

I had contemplated doing something like that once when the Prof and I were still talking and he wasn’t too keen on the idea. He thought it sounded dangerous and like some random guy off Craigslist wouldn’t really just want to watch, like he says. The exhibitionist in me thinks it would be fun to have him just watch, lol, but he doesn’t look like someone I’d want to sleep with. I don’t want to feel obligated. Still, like I said, this guy seems pretty decent and respectable and it sounds like he’s done this before.

Still, it seems like a fun way to get my rocks off and not actually have to have sex with someone and maybe regret it afterwards. Oh, and the motor ran out on my vibrator and I have to get a new one so I’m going crazy in the meantime! BAD TIMING!! Sheesh. No more sex with my favorite person and my freaking sex toy fails me too. Dangit! LOL Thank God for my shower massager. I had to use it twice today.

Anyhow I do have a date planned for this weekend, for sex, with the guy I met right before seeing my fuck buddy while the Professor was out of town. He is a retired military police officer, a couple years older than the professor, but in awesome shape and he’s nice looking too. Now that he’s retired he drives some kind of flatbed truck around and he says that loading it gives him a great workout and that’s why he has six pack abs. I can handle that! LOL Maybe I’ll get lucky and he’ll have an old pair of handcuffs hanging around somewhere 😉 ;).

I met him on the swinger site and he seems really nice. I actually responded to his email because something about his pics and attitude reminded me a little bit of the Professor. He’s 6’5″ (!!!) and he’s done the swinging thing in another state over the past few years but before that he was married for 20 years. He said he used to paint his wife’s toenails for her and was telling me how in a pinch you can do French tips using whiteout, lol. Maybe I can get a pedicure while I’m there too!

Ha, I’m playing but he is back in town and wanted to meet me at a hotel between here and where he lives before he takes off again on his truck. I’m thinking that sounds fun right now. According to him he really likes to go down on women and sometimes use toys. Plus he’s got an 8 inch cock. 😉 He was gonna take me out for drinks again beforehand.

Oh, and I’ve got another possible date lined up the day before with a guy who also says he just moved here. I met this one on Plenty of Fish. He’s a couple years younger than me and his pics are pretty cute with a really nice smile. He works with special needs kids and is also a personal trainer. He plays on a local basketball league too. We’ve texted back and forth a little bit and so far I like him.

Meanwhile I’ve resurrected my OkCupid profile. I still had it but the email inbox was full and I hadn’t bothered to update it for a long time. The minute I cleared out old emails and put up a couple new pics I was being inundated with zillions of new guys trying to hit me up.

Sometimes the dating sites are a little overwhelming. Like I don’t have time to email everyone back and keep up with the amount of guys that are contacting me all at once. I had to disable instant messaging on that site and POF because it’s just too freaking crazy.

I even got a hate mail already from some dude because he had emailed me and so I clicked on his profile but didn’t have a chance to write him or anything. He lived too far away anyway so it didn’t seem worth my time. Anyhow, his first email said “nice smile” and when I clicked on his profile he sent me this:

Yea most of you American females just aren’t that appreciative. I take back the compliment.

I’m thinking, God what a dick. So I clicked on his profile again to see where the hell he was from that he was making nasty comments about “American” females. I of course didn’t bother to respond to his hating and he so he sent me this:

You need to stop viewing my profile since you can’t appreciate a genuine compliment from a stranger. All you women do on here is ignore men who are trying to talk and have a decent conversation. I have to admit that western women are really no good when it comes to dating/relationships and it’s no surprise a lot of you are single and lonely at an older age. I don’t know why it’s so hard talking to western women. Good luck and please don’t view my profile anymore.

Not wanting to buy into his needless drama, I ignored the comment and didn’t look at his profile again. SO he then sends me THIS:

Most of you women are on here for the attention and to boost your ego. Too bad men have to deal with this crap.

Wha?? Sheesh! Chill the fuck out already, seriously!! And you wonder why women don’t respond back to you?? UGH

Oh and I’ve gotten like ten emails already with comments about my boobs. They are like “nice chest” or “nice peaches”. WTF? Are we in middle school again? Like really? That is so crass. I’m not even wearing a super revealing top or anything. I’m in a sundress in the pics and you can see a little bit of cleavage but it’s not trashy looking at all. Men… I swear, would anyone really be jumping at the chance to email back a guy who is all grunt, grunt “nice tits you got there”? SMFH

Anyway, wish me luck! I so need to get my mind off the Professor. :/ It would be nice not to break into tears several times a day. I’m not quite there yet, but I’m working on it.

Perfect post breakup indulgences :)

Yay!!! I am so excited!! I just found out that I won three really awesome prizes from a raffle that the place I go for my pole dancing lessons had the other night.

I was actually kind of depressed and sad when I went to a little party they had the other night and only knew a couple ladies and talked to a couple others but was feeling more shy and quiet because of the stress with the Professor. In any case, I bought a few raffle tickets and hoped for the best.

I won, I won, I won!! I won a free 60 minute massage, my nails done (I hope its fingers AND toes, I think it is) and a free Brazillian wax!! I am totally stoked!!

Awesome way to pamper myself while trying to feel better, no? 🙂 I’ve never even had a professional massage and I’ve always wanted one! I’ve never had a Brazillian wax either. I always just shave but this is awesome! I wanted to try a wax, just couldn’t afford it. That and I wasn’t sure how long you have to let it grow before they can do that and letting it grow didn’t sound appealing since I shave pretty regularly, lol. Still, I’m looking forward to having a super smooth, baby soft pussy 😉 Too bad the Professor won’t be around to feel it. HA!

I have every intention of getting myself back together and moving on. It sucks but I know I’m worth more than he gave me credit for. I think in the long run he’s losing out because I don’t believe it’s as easy to find women who are like me as he thinks and willing to BE in an open relationship. Eventually someone will either want monogamy or he will be feeling pretty lonely just messing with married women and not having someone who can be there to give him regular doses of affection and lives close by AND lets him play. Good luck with that….

Feeling this today….

I found this blog post off a link from Twitter. Wow… Hits a little too close to home. Emotionally unavailable men, story of my life….

A Letter to Emotionally Unavailable Men

Oh and How to Know He Loves You: Stress Him Out

This one seems to be something I do intuitively. I stressed him out and he bailed. So, now I know. It was all a farce. Painful to find out the truth but probably better now than later.

Breaking up is hard to do :(

I feel like I can barely breathe, let alone write.  The grief is debilitating.  I’m not getting anything done.  I know I have to get past this.  Why does it have to be so hard? 

I know I should have hope for the future, I know I should be able to see past this and know I can find someone else.  Really though, at this point my motivation is low.  It’s like I find someone I really think is great and it turns out they never really cared in the first place.  I can’t trust my own judgment. 

The worst part isn’t ending things with someone that was good in bed, though that IS a factor.  It’s being abandoned by someone I really wanted to learn how to work things out with.  It’s being rejected for another woman and feeling like something must be wrong with ME, and not knowing how to fix it.

It’s the everyday interactions too.  We talked A LOT.  He was the only person I told in detail about all the things that have been going on in my life lately and it’s been a whole lot of stress.  I really needed that support from someone and it’s gone.  I feel so abandoned, in every sense, because I lost a friend, or I guess what I thought was a friend.  Real friends don’t just walk out on you like this.

I’m crushed that he seems to think the worst of me and I felt like I was trying my best.  I’m not in a place to be as giving as I want to be but I did give to him in the ways that I was able. I’m broke but I showed him I cared in a lot of ways that maybe never meant anything.  I keep thinking of the various things I did to give him a bit of myself and out of my heart and wondering if he ever even noticed. 

This is kind of killing my desire to be in an open relationship.  If I couldn’t do it with him, how could I ever manage with someone else?  I feel like a failure at all of this. 

I agree with him that it all should be fun and carefree.  I just feel like he’s being unrealistic in his expectations of me.  How can you expect a woman who cares about you to not need any reassurance that things are going to be okay?  He kept saying that he did all this stuff for me and I should already know but that doesn’t make it any easier to let go when he’s playing with someone that I feel threatened by. 

I was able to handle it fine when he played with people that he wasn’t emotionally involved with but this married woman was just an issue from the very beginning.  He’d say he saw us both equally but he wasn’t, in my mind, or from what I could see, being really “fair” in his treatment of me.  He seemed to be disregarding my feelings and turning on me whenever she was around and I just couldn’t take that.  It hurt too much.

From his point of view, he said that things were a certain way before I came along and I was expecting him to change that and he was unwilling.  Thing is, I didn’t ever ask him to change what he was doing, just to take my feelings into consideration and remember that I’m here now too.  I didn’t ask him not to see her, just to give me affirmation that it wasn’t going to change his relationship with ME.  He said he couldn’t give me what I needed.  OUCH.

He said things with me reminded him too much of his ex-wife.  That is frustrating because there were several times he seemed to assume I was going to react a certain way to something and treated me as though I were and I WASN’T.  Like when he ignored me after having sex with this woman he said it was because he “knew” I was going to give him shit.  Well, no, I was actually trying really hard NOT to and just needed him to be present with me and reconnect.  Instead he acted angry and completely ignored me, which was the worst thing anyone could do when I was already fearing abandonment.

So I feel like he is placing HIS baggage on ME.  I guess everyone does that to an extent in relationships.  Maybe someday he will realize that and maybe not. 

In any case, my deepest issue is probably abandonment.  I tried to explain stuff to him because I wanted him to know how to help make it okay but I think he saw it as “demanding”.  It’s so hard sometimes to know how to communicate something like that without coming across that way.  I don’t want to DEMAND his affection, just trying to show him what kinds of things tend to make me flip out, to try and PREVENT that. 

I was abandoned by both of my parents and pretty much by everyone I’ve ever cared for in my entire life, except my grandmother, though even she was missing during some key times during my childhood.  I don’t know that I could ever completely get over that but someone willing to show a little understanding and work with me, could go a long way in helping avoid the kind of traumatic response I had here to being ignored. 

I did kind of flip out on him but it wasn’t until he’d been ignoring me for a long time. I managed to hold it in for a while, hoping he would reconnect and make things right but it didn’t happen and the emotions just got the best of me.  It’s like I think I’ve come a really long way but enough stress can provoke me to act in ways that I regret later anyway.  Thankfully I didn’t do anything really dangerous or crazy but I hate the thoughts that were in my mind and I did say something that was pretty mean and I wish I could take back. It’s a lot better than I could have done in some relationships past, so I guess I’ve at least matured and moved forward some, I just wish progress came faster and easier.

So I can see, in a lot of ways how this was my fault.  I just don’t know what to do about it.  I feel like I’m trying and getting nowhere fast because I just continue to fail in my efforts.  It’s like I can’t do anything right and it’s not helping my self- esteem much at all. 

Where to go from here?  I don’t know.  The road ahead is looking pretty bleak and forlorn at the moment. Sure, I can have lots of random and meaningless sex but I really do want someone in my life that is more than that.  I just don’t know if I can trust myself to go there.

Right now, I don’t think I could even talk to the Professor if he contacted me.  I’m just too torn up and in pain.  I don’t want any false hope of reconciliation like he was trying to give me the last time we talked with lines like “maybe later on, when I’m more ready for this kind of relationship”.  Yeah, like when does that ever happen? 

Ugh.  He seemed so perfect to me.  He fit into my life so nicely and I thought we could have a lot of fun together.  He did all those things for me that I felt meant a lot and he still claims they did but then why would he be so reluctant to want a “relationship”?  What the hell did we have?  Who spends all that time talking to and doing stuff for someone they don’t want a “relationship” with?  I’m so freaking confused.  The first time in my life a guy treats me that well and it didn’t mean anything?  I’m about to start crying all over again.  This is killing me.

 

 

Trying to keep it moving :/

Heart-break_OM-Times

Well, it looks like the Professor and I are done seeing one another.  I’m still reeling from the pain and don’t really even want to write about it much.  Suffice it to say that we are “broken up”.  My heart feels like it’s been run over by a steamroller.

 He fed me all kinds of typical one liners about WHY.  He even said “it’s not you, it’s me”,” maybe we will get back together in the future when I’m ready for a different kind of relationship” and “this hurts me too”.  He claims that he still has feelings for me. Then I asked him if he valued the relationship he has with the married woman more than the one he has with me.  He said he didn’t until now, when I supposedly caused all the trouble by giving him drama about it.

 According to him the reason he got into the Lifestyle was to get away from drama and this situation with me has caused too much of it and is too much like a typical monogamous relationship. I love how he tries to pin all the drama on me as though he wasn’t doing anything to cause it, or giving  me any himself.  Ugh!  Well, he did admit that he has been getting jealous too and said maybe it all was more his issues (hence the “it’s not you it’s me” bullshit).  

I don’t know but fuck him.  I guess it’s time to move on.  I’m upset with myself for letting down my guard.   I really do have feelings for him and I’ve done a lot of crying and very little eating for the past couple of weeks. :/ 

I wasn’t trying to give him drama.  I really thought I was trying NOT to do that.  I felt like I was doing much better than I’ve done in some monogamous relationships but I don’t know.  Maybe I’m just not cut out for this open stuff.  It seems like if it had been handled differently it may have been easier but really it’s just a scary thing sharing someone you have feelings for, when you don’t have the reassurance that you won’t be abandoned for another person.  It seems like in this case all my fears were reinforced, because in the end I do feel like I’ve been abandoned for someone else.

I feel sick.   On the plus side there are still other men in my life.  In a shameless appeal for some attention from a few of them I decided to take a few new naughty pics and send them out.  Well, the idea actually hit me because the married man had contacted me late last night asking if I’d meet him halfway right then (yeah right).  So he and I exchanged a few pics and I was like fuck it, I’m sending these out to everyone!  Ha. 

I’d say it worked because the guy I had the affair with was trying to get me to set up a time for him to come down again, the fwb was talking about coming to visit when he gets back from Atlanta (where he is now) and got a couple other guys telling me they missed me.  Men are so easy. 😉

Anyhow, all the crying had left me with some pretty red, puffy, swollen eyes but I treated them with cucumber slices and ice and potatoes and decided to respond to a Craigslist ad tonight.  I exchanged face pics with a cute guy and agreed to meet up for drinks. 

After enjoying a margarita and talking for a bit we decided to head back to his place.  It’s actually very close to mine, like I could probably WALK there if I wanted to.  It might take like 30 minutes if I did but is a very short drive.  I didn’t tell him just how close by I happen to live but he knows the general vicinity. 

So anyhow we hung out and talked for a bit at his house.  He told me some crazy stories about how he moved down here from Chicago with some friend who got busted for selling large amounts of cocaine and now is serving life in prison.  I admit that had me a little concerned, but he swears up and down he had no part in this operation. 

In any case he was nice looking and clean and had a clean, nice townhome where he lives by himself.  He’s my age and said he’s single as the sunlight.  I think I made it pretty clear I was just looking for sex.  I admit my mind was thinking “one night stand” pretty much from the start. He doesn’t seem like someone I’d really want a relationship with.  He smokes and drinks quite a bit and smokes pot but didn’t lay claims to doing anything else.  Still, the stories were enough to keep me from wanting to go there with him! 

So I thought this will just be an NSA thing and maybe it will help me in my quest to get over the Professor.  I had just spoken with the Prof before I went to see this guy and we weren’t “completely” broken off until after, so he knew about it.  Honestly he kept popping up in my mind during the sex, so it was hard in that sense but I know I need to get over him.

So we finally made our way up to his bedroom and he went down on me and fingered me and it was pretty good.  THEN he took off his pants.  :/  Let’s just say it might make me recant my position on not wanting a guy with a large cock because I was pretty disappointed to see that he was fairly small.  Like, maybe possibly the smallest cock I have ever seen on a man (well, I’ve seen some pictures of small ones on the swinger site but not seen them in person).  It was not only shortish, but pretty thin as well.  He was black too, by the way.  Poor guy. 

Despite having a small cock, he really did make an effort to make the sex good.  For his size he didn’t do a bad job I guess, but my heart wasn’t in it.  I was still thinking of the Professor and hurting over him and I just couldn’t be fully present.  He made some comment about how I just kept cumming and cumming and cumming and I was thinking um, no actually I haven’t cum yet but I didn’t tell him that of course. I did get kinda close a couple times but I just didn’t get there.

He wore a condom, which is good but also lessens the feeling.  A couple of times he lost his erection too and was like “I shouldn’t have jacked off earlier today, I did it for like an hour looking at your pic”.  Um, okay.  He was on top a lot of the time but also wanted me to spend a lot of time riding him (my least favorite position).  To his credit he was able to last a long time, but it was probably too long.  I kind of wanted it to be over with. 

I also spent an inordinate amount of time sucking his dick, which he loved.  He was like “you are really skilled at that”.  Sigh…  Well, I mean it was pretty easy to get most all of it in my mouth so it wasn’t a big chore or anything but it took him a long time to cum.  He tried to go back in me without a condom once and I wouldn’t let him. 

Afterwards I jumped up to clean off and get dressed and didn’t give him a chance to try and cuddle or kiss me.  I did hug him goodbye and he kept saying he would love to see me again and he hoped I wanted to see him again.  I feel kind of bad because I’m not sure I would.  He was like “you aren’t answering that and it makes me feel kind of bad”.  Ugh.  I didn’t want to hurt anyone and now I feel like I kind of used him. He hasn’t contacted me since though so maybe he won’t. I mean, he was nice and everything but I’m not into him.

I also met a new guy last week.  It was when the Professor was out of town and I was going to see my fuck buddy to keep myself occupied.  This guy lived in the same town as he does, so we decided to meet for a drink before I went to go sleep with the fuck buddy.  He was actually a pretty cool guy, a couple years older than the Professor and I think could be good in bed from the way he talks.  He’s out of town until next week but we will see. 

At the time the fuck buddy was incredulous that some guy was willing to meet with me knowing I was going to leave and come fuck HIM right after, lol, but I did meet him on the swinger site.  As he was kissing me goodbye he was like “boy, he’s a really lucky man tonight I wish it was me” or something to that effect.

I’m trying to keep myself occupied and sleeping with other people until my head and heart are in the right place again.  I don’t want to hurt anyone but just trying to get my mind off the Professor.  This stuff with him the past couple weeks has just left me feeling really broken.  I guess I should have known it would end eventually but I feel blindsided by it all.  I was finally admitting to myself that I was falling in love and then this….:(

 

 

 

 

Heck yeah, I’m versatile!! ;)

versatileblogger11

Like a lady in the streets and a freak in the sheets, I am VERSATILE, baby!!  😉  I also like being put in a lot of different positions, so as big as it is, I guess this blog award really “fits”. LMAO  Okay, I’ll quit…

Thank you, thank you Mr. Smooth Reentry for nominating me for the Versatile Blogger Award!!  I feel like I’m on the red carpet these days, with award after award coming my way!!  MUAH!!!  Big kisses and a beauty queen wave to all of my fans!!  Haha 

If you haven’t checked out his blog you need to take a peek!!  I always love the blogs out there that cover relationships from a man’s perspective and his is a great read!  He, like me, had a hiatus from dating for quite some time (his was 20 years) and now he’s back on the scene, ready for some new experiences! 

Like every other blog award, this one has rules that are meant to be followed.  Thankfully, this is blogworld and you are free to twist and turn things a bit to fit your agenda.  Still, I’m going to color nicely inside the lines and be a good girl.  Don’t feel like you HAVE to if you are one of my recipients though!

Here is a list of the “official rules”.

• Thank the person who gave you this award.

• Include a link to their blog.

• Next, select 15 blogs/bloggers that you’ve recently discovered or follow regularly.

• Nominate those 15 bloggers for the Versatile Blogger Award

• Finally, tell the person who nominated you 7 things about yourself.

 

Alright so I’ll go a little bit backwards here and tell Mr. Smooth Reentry  (and the rest of you) my personal things first before sharing my award recipients.  (I know, living on the edge here)

  1. On the Myers-Briggs personality inventory I score as a hardcore ENFP.   For those who don’t know this indicates that I am extroverted (well, mildly so in my case, I do have a shy streak but it’s kind of typical for ENFP’s actually to have a slightly introverted side as well), intuitive (definitely), and look  at the world from an emotional (feeling) perspective in addition to being a “perceiver”.  For me maybe that just means I have a difficult time following the rules, yet here I am, ha!

 

  1. I have really strange dreams.  I’m not sure what it all means but on occasion they have come true, like in my post about The Ghosts of Guys in the Past.  Still, on any given night I have one weird dream after another.  Maybe it’s an indicator of all the things that are swimming around in my head, but when I say weird, I do mean weird!  Haha  Like I’ll have dreams about being with a group of scientists watching a giant pterodactyl flap around in a big hole in the ground or about a group of policeman setting my neighborhood on fire.  Recently, I had a dream I was a woman in Amish style dress, living long ago.

 

  1. I actually occasionally have terrifying nightmares where I wake up screaming.  They have lessened some over the years and are probably a result of trauma.  When I’ve been put under for surgery I would wake up in the middle, screaming and violent and try to fight off the doctors.  They said it was scary and they had to hold me down but I don’t remember any of it.  The guy who took my tonsils out said in 20 years he’d only seen one other person act that way under anesthesia and asked if I’d been abused.  Well, yeah…

 

  1. When I was 8 years old, I was sitting on the floor at my grandmother’s house playing with her Ouija board by myself and decided to do as she recommended and ask who I was speaking to. The board answered me “Amon”.  We looked it up in the dictionary afterwards and found that is “the Ancient Egyptian God of Life and Reproduction”. (Amon)  I also asked who I was going to marry and I SWEAR it gave me the exact first name of my ex- husband!! Of course I WANTED it to say the name of the guy I had a crush on at the time and it was close, but no dice!

 

  1. In keeping with my occult theme here, when I was a kid I was once running circles around and around the house and stopped on a chair in front of a mirror and saw what looked like a red light surrounding my head.  I freaked out and ran to my grandmother, who told me that was my “aura”.  (She was into that kind of thing, used to read the tarot and do white witchcraft).  From then on I would pay attention and sometimes see them around others. 

 

At age 12, I was in a little curio shop in Kansas City with my mother and stepfather (who were looking at crystals) and there was a man in there with a black “aura” surrounding him.  He was trying to show me a shrunken head and I felt an urgent sense of panic and freaked out and ran out the door and down the street.  My stepfather made fun of me because he thought I was scared of the shrunken head.

 

A couple of weeks later this man was on the news because it was discovered he was sexually torturing and killing young men and burying them in his backyard. His name was Bob Berdella.  Here is a reference in case you’ve never heard of him. Bob Berdella
 

 

  1. Every single time my mom got pregnant (after having me of course) I had a dream about it and “knew” before she ever told me.  Not saying I have psychic powers haha, but sometimes I wonder if they couldn’t be developed.  My mom used to take classes with a woman who was a psychic that worked for the police finding missing children and stuff like that and I would come along and play with her kid (who was kind of weird but I hung out with him during the class).  I had a girl do a science experiment for a fair back in elementary school where she tested a whole bunch of kids on their psychic ability of being able to predict the cards she was going to pull up out of a deck and I was the one who scored the highest.  Damn, maybe I should try buying a lottery ticket someday after all….

 

 

  1. Now that I’ve presented myself as entirely psychotic, lol, I’ll tell you that I’m really pretty practical and realistic about most things.  I’ve never fallen for this “Y2K”, “Zombie Apocalypse”, the sky is falling and aliens are coming type stuff. Really, I’m not crazy, I swear…..Muahahahahaha…;)

 

Anyhow, now that you’ve learned EVEN MORE about me I will give you a list of 15 others you really want to get to know!!  You will love each of these blogs!  Most are ones I have discovered fairly recently and decided to follow.  You know if I find them interesting they’ve got to be good!! Here they are in no particular order:

  1. A Different Story of O
  2. Binder Full of Men
  3. Bonafidesexaddict
  4. Filled and Fooled
  5. Foreplay Begins at Breakfast
  6. Not So Typical Housewife
  7. Paralysis Analysis
  8. SecretlyFab
  9. Stereotypical Man
  10. You’ve Been Hooked
  11. The Many Dalliances of Miss Katrille
  12. Smittenwithhim
  13. Infinite Horizon
  14. Accidental Swingers
  15. Polypossibilities

P.S.  Why, oh why does WordPress take all of my numbered paragraphs and label them each as #1??  WTF?  I can’t seem to change them either…  LOL  I give up!! 

You know you wanna ;)

bilf-award

One of my favorite sex bloggers, Kdaddy 23 has nominated me for the BILF award!!  If you haven’t read it yet, make sure to check out my interview with him about the 30 years he spent in an open relationship with 3 different women at once!  He is a wealth of interesting information! 30 Years With 3 Women: A Guest Interview 

I also want to give a shout out to Ankoku1331  over at Speaking Out on Nate who resurrected this award as part of an effort to get the sexual blogs on WordPress recognized, since many of us have been banned from showing up in the reader due to “mature content” (including me…booo!) While yes, I think mature content should be kept away from under 18 eyes and those who are offended, I would love to see it handled a little differently, perhaps with some age verification of the users rather than random people flagging us.  If you look up any manner of sexual terms on the reader, on any given day, you can find all sorts of straight up porn but only those of us who people decide to “flag” get knocked off.  Not really an effective system.

 I love WordPress and that I can have my blog here and I think their intent is good but it would be nice to have our own little corner where perhaps the blogs marked “mature” could be found by other bloggers with the same interest.  In the meantime, some of us are making sure to put a list of mature topic blogs in the sidebar so others with similar interests can find them.  I wish I had room to put more!  There are a lot of sexy blogs out there!!

Anyhow, on to the rules.  Oooh, these could be fun!! 😉

1. Thank the blogger that awarded you and if you like, post this most cool award in your post.

2. Post 5 sexy suggestions for other bloggers to do, try, or think about.

3. Post a link to your sexiest blog post and why you think it is your sexiest blog.

4. Nominate 5 other sexy bloggers and Let your nominees know they’re sexy.

 

  1. Thank you Kdaddy!!! 😉  I am so flattered to be a blog you’d like to fuck!!  LMAO

 

  1. 5 things you totally need to try:

 

  1. If you’ve never (as a woman) had a guy go down on you while using a vibrator on your clit you need to find someone to try this on you immediately!!!  LMAO If you are a guy you need to try this on a woman or two.  Trust me, she’ll be quite happy you did!!
  2. If you’ve never had sex in the shower while using the shower massager on the female you need to try this too.  Hell, I need to try this!!  It sounds hot!!
  3. If you’ve never up and had sex with a random stranger you just met you need to try this, at least once!!  I’ve had a couple of fun experiences that way, including the married man that I met off Craigslist who was the best sex of my life!!
  4. If you’ve never been over the knee spanked or spanked someone else, depending on which role you’d rather play, you need to give this a try.  Okay, I need to try it too, but in the meantime I’ll definitely be thinking about it!!  LMAO
  5. If you are stuck on doing the same old positions in bed you need to try some new ones!!  Check out sites like bedroomblackbelt.com for some interesting ideas!

 

 

  1. Hmmmm….my sexiest blog post? At first I was going to say My First Swinger Party but then I thought about From the Friend Zone to the End Zone…( and a little bit further).

 

They are both pretty hot because I give DETAILS 😉

 

  1. Ack!  There are so many and I know some have received this award already, so I’ll name 5 but look in my sidebar for some more!! I’m also trying to pick people I haven’t given awards to already!

 

My choices, therefore, are………

 

The Corruption

Swing Lifestyle Blog

Pervertically Virtuous

Off Go the Panties

Unfeathered Owl

 

Check out these blogs, you’ll want to fuck them too!! 😉

P.S. I apologize for everything being numbered “one” lol. I swear I had it all done right in Word and then I posted it to here and it got all screwy and I can’t seem to fix it!

My deep, dark, past

dark basement

Fellow blogger and commenter Deep Explorations asked me a question and I felt it really deserved a blog post of it’s own.  He wonders, after reading a post about my emotional reaction and feelings of abandonment when the Professor played with that married woman, why I would put myself through this?  “It does seem remarkable to me that for someone with sooo much trauma in your past that you should seek out an open relationship, but maybe it is that trauma that sends you that way?”

I feel I should mention here that I don’t know that I particularly sought out an OPEN relationship with the Professor.  More, it seemed to fall in my lap.  I met him on the swinger site, but I had only registered in order to be allowed to attend one party, to feed my curiosity after speaking with a guy I’d had sex with twice and who was going to be there as well. 

I hadn’t even bothered to put up a photo on the website yet, just basic information about my height and weight and looks and that I was new at this.  He sent me an email that I liked because he seemed sweet and respectful and of course I took a look at his pictures.  From there we talked and I agreed to go out on a date.  We had incredible sex and the next night a really fun time at My First Swinger Party

We both seemed to really like each other and the reason it developed into an OPEN thing is because that is what he wanted!  He was already seeing someone else, the married woman, and I didn’t know the details of all that at first because he acted more as though they were fuck buddies.  I was playing the field at that time so it seemed like a good idea to be upfront and honest with each other about what we were doing.  He asked that I tell him when I was going to play and vice versa and I’m thinking GREAT, this guy is awesome!   I had a don’t ask/don’t tell style relationship with the guy I had the affair with and that worked for us because it helped keep out some of the jealousy problems (some, not all) but this idea of being up front was appealing.

At the time I began seeing the Professor, the guy I had the affair with and I were still talking but things were starting to fade.  So it followed that as I became more enamored with the Prof, contact between he and I dropped off and we were barely talking at all. Being more of an emotionally exclusive person myself, when I fall for someone, they are my main focus and anyone else would be just sex. I assumed it would be the same for him.

 The Professor, on the other hand, still had this woman in his life and when he bailed on me for three days the first time she came down to visit and I realized there was a serious emotional bond between them, rather than a fuck buddy sort of thing, I was hurt.  I did not like the idea of being a secondary one bit and he swore up and down I wasn’t.  Yet he had this relationship going on first and she was “in love” with him.  Ouch.  I’ve mentioned all the stuff that happened in several blog posts so I don’t want to repeat. 

Now for the meat and bones, the second “part” of my answer.  What lead me, ultimately, as someone who has had a lot of trauma in my life to get into things like swinging and a more open style of relationship?  Why did I ever think this would be okay?

Let’s delve here a little bit into my past.  Some of this is stuff that I’ve been reluctant to write about thus far because it has the potential to make even the most “open” blog readers to look down on me.  For a long time I carried a lot of shame due to my lifestyle as a teenager, I’d be lying if I said I’m not still holding on to a little bit of it now.  So please, try not to view me with too much disgust.  I’ve grown up and changed a whole lot since then.

 While I am not “proud” of my past and I realize that a lot of it came out of low self- esteem issues, I was also young and easily manipulated.  I’d grown up basically on my own, with unloving, neglectful and abusive “parents” and complete emotional abandonment.  I don’t remember my mother even so much as hugging me as a kid and the touches I received were pretty much limited to physical abuse (not sexual) so I was STARVED for any kind of affection I could get. 

In any case I’m not saying all this stuff was all that awful, I had a lot of fun in the process even if SOME of it was degrading.  I did some stupid things and was very reckless in regards to things like “safer sex” but thank God for antibiotics!  When I look back though, as an adult, and think about the stuff we did, I realize that a lot of it wasn’t all that different from the swinger Lifestyle!  Like seriously, as kids we were like little swingers in training.  Is it any wonder I’d feel comfortable in that position now?

So let’s start back at the beginning.  My first sexual relationship (at 13) was with a guy I was dating.  Normal, monogamous relationship, though he did end up in Juvenile detention for sexually harassing someone while we were going out.  Nice.  I think I’ve mentioned somewhere on this blog that our first sex was in a hotel room we had broken into, next to someone else’s suitcases on the bed!  We had a lot of sex, and I even remember doing it in front of other guys from time to time.

The second time was a random guy I met on the beach.  Sex in the bushes outside in the canoe club.  It was a one- time thing.  After that I had a thing going on with a much older guy that never turned into actual sex because of my age but he went down on me a lot.  I’m pretty sure he was also involved with other girls. 

Okay, so from there I moved back home and in with my grandmother to go to high school.  It was there that I met this girlfriend I will call “S”.  S and I hit it off immediately.  She was a biracial girl that was my exact same height and weight.  We were both skinny little things lol, at 5’6” and 105 lbs.  We had a LOT in common, though she was a tad more aggressive than me.  She had a white mother and black stepfather (just like me) and we had little brothers with the same name and even the pictures on the wall in her home were some of the same ones as at my mother’s house.  It was eerily weird.

Not long after we started hanging out she brought me with her to this guy’s house.  He actually wasn’t there, but in prison at the time.  He’d been tried as an adult for aiding in a bank robbery.  There were several other guys, including his brother and cousin, there in his unfinished basement bedroom.  This room had its own door and stairs leading down to it so you could come inside without having to bypass his mother and grandmother upstairs.  It was really two rooms, a big room with a pool table and waterbed and bathroom and then another with a fold out couch and tv.  There were doors at the top and bottom of the stairs, and between the two rooms.  I came to know this place very well over the next couple of years.

That night the guys started coming on to us and she had sex with one or more of them, I don’t remember who.  We were in the dark on the bed, all of us together and I went along and fucked the cousin.  Afterwards, they congratulated her and told her they knew she’d be responsible for “turning me out”.  At the time, I didn’t really even understand what they meant.  She later told me she would go over there and sleep with all these guys because she felt it made her “more popular”, and I suppose it did to an extent, as I found out, but there were  downsides as well.

I continued to have sex with him occasionally but he lived out of town and we really didn’t communicate much unless he was there.  So the next time we went over to visit it was someone else.  Again, I don’t remember who she was fucking but for me it was a very handsome light skinned biracial guy with green eyes.  So when he came on to me yeah, I wasn’t exactly complaining!  LOL  He too, was from out of town.  As good looking as he was the sex was a bit difficult due to his very large cock.

Anyway, after that another boy who was over there often asked me out and I agreed.  Really the only REASON I agreed was because I felt sorry for him.  He wasn’t all that attractive and had messed up teeth.  So I ended up sleeping with him too even though the other guys laughed about it.  Since we were “going out” whenever someone else tried to get me in bed I said no, but that didn’t last long.

The reason it didn’t last was because after I had sex with him for the 3rd or 4th time I was forcibly raped by another guy that was there.  I don’t even know for sure who it was.  The basement bedroom was pitch dark and he’d run upstairs when some people showed up for a drug deal.  I was still naked in the bed and someone else walked in, but I could only see his silhouette.  For the purpose of this blog I’m not going to detail that incident or those of the other rapes, but maybe another time when I can post a warning for those who don’t want to read it.

I don’t want you to think I was terribly traumatized afterwards, but I did cry.  I told some of the other guys who were there what happened and they speculated about who it was but basically told me to suck it up.  They said no one would believe me if I tried to report it because I’d been there having sex with guys already and the court wouldn’t care. 

Now, looking back I can see that I’d only had sex with 3 different people there total and it doesn’t seem like a huge deal but this attitude made me feel pretty bad, like I was already being seen as a worthless slut.  The guy I was seeing “broke up” with me because of the rape.

Sometime after that I slept with a random guy I met on the street, who turned out to be almost twice my age and married and they (some of the guys who hung out there) found out about it.  Of course this didn’t bode well for my reputation either.  After that there was a completely unrelated guy from school that I dated for a bit and then a guy I’d had a crush on for a long time.

By this time, the guy who had been in prison had gotten out.  It was a big deal and everyone was talking about it beforehand.  “S” made an especially big deal out of this and told me I’d really like HIM.  He was definitely the “alpha male” of the group and the leader.  I was never as impressed with him as she was, but we did get along.  In fact I wrote another blog post, where I talk about him, called The Ghosts of Guys in the Past.

The first night that I had sex with my crush (who happened to be the brother of the guy I had the affair with- but that is another story) Mr. Alpha Male was driving.  I was sitting in the backseat with the Crush and another guy, who I would later become involved with, surprisingly.  He was an ASSHOLE.  The Crush was trying to be sweet and kissing me and the ASSHOLE didn’t think things were going fast enough.  He grabbed him and was pulling him off of me, saying “Let me show you how to do this!” running his hand up my leg. The Crush pushed him away and told him to back off a few times, but he was offering commentary and wouldn’t shut up.  I so wanted to slap him!

In any case, we ended up having sex while several of the guys were sneaking into a club.  We were talking afterwards and he asked how many people I’d slept with up until that point.  I said 8 (him being the 9th) and he seemed to think that was an okay number.  His was 22. I was surprised that a 15 year old had slept with that many people already and he said he started when he was 11.

I was elated, afterwards, because he and I had been flirty for quite some time and I was hoping it would go somewhere but what happened the next night changed all that.  I was gang raped by 5 of them (he wasn’t there) in a park.  It would have been 6 but the police showed up and everyone took off running (except me, I rolled under a bush, grabbing my clothes and hid there while they were shining their spotlights around).

 Again, I don’t want to get in too much detail about the rapes for the purpose of this post but it was the Alpha Male (who got me to willingly have sex with him) followed by the ASSHOLE, who came and got on me afterwards and wouldn’t let me get up to get my clothes.  Some of the other guys involved were over 21 and they all were on probation or had warrants for their arrest. 

They didn’t physically harm me in any way but I was left feeling sick emotionally.  I hadn’t fought with them and basically just lay there, but they knew I was scared.  One of the guys kept repeating “she’s scared I don’t want to do this”.  A couple of the younger guys did come back and get me after the police left and we walked back home.  When I talked about it later with “S” she said they had done the same thing to her and pulled trains on several girls.

That night ruined the romantic aspect of the relationship between the Crush and I but we did continue to have sex occasionally.  I’d say it became more of a love/hate thing.  The guys had talked about me as though I went along willingly and I was afraid to tell anyone, even S, the truth, though she may have figured as much.  There was absolutely NO WAY I would have reported any of them to the police with all the risks that entailed. I wasn’t about to be a “snitch”.

You may wonder why I continued to hang around these people and I really can’t give an answer to that because I don’t know myself.  I was gang raped again soon after, by some of the same guys, starting again with the Alpha male and the Asshole.  I continued to sleep with the both of them separately for quite some time and was involved in some other group sexual encounters with them and several more guys who would come and go from that basement room.

Now that I’ve been involved a bit in the swinger scene I can see the parallels.  A lot of times we’d all be down there and people were walking around naked, there would be porn on the tv, and lots of sex going on while others watched.  Different females came and went but S and I were pretty much stable. 

Many times the guys involved had proper girlfriends and sometimes I didn’t even know about it until afterwards. At school, for the ones who were still there anyway, we sometimes acted like we barely knew one another.  It was all underground, almost literally.  While I had a reputation with certain people, many others, including several of my fairly close girlfriends, never had a clue. 

Sure people knew S and I hung out there because Alpha Male would sometimes pick us up in his car from school and he was well known.  Still, most were not aware of the kinds of things that went on behind closed doors.  At school I continued to get decent grades and have a relatively normal life in front of others, if being seen as a bit of a partier, but we all were!

There were times when we did crazy things, like basically played a game of Sexual Roulette.  I can remember Alpha male calling out directions for us to switch partners and S and I having sex with like 4 different guys together. First she would be with him and I was with the Asshole (who was really quite good in bed, if a total jerk), then she’d be with guy C while I was with the Alpha Male and, then I’m on guy C while she is doing guy D and so on. 

At one point she and I actually got into a contest to see who could sleep with the most people.  I was winning for a while but then she had to drop out of the race due to getting pregnant.  She still fucked around then but not as much.  For me it ended when I started dating the older psycho –jealous- crazy dude that everyone was scared of.  He forbade me to spend time around there and had enough influence to keep them away. 

I did continue on with some of the guys that were involved here, eventually, and even fell in love with one that had been involved with the gang rape.  He was the one telling everyone I was scared and he didn’t want to do it (but he went along anyway).  In any case, we had a pretty good run until he broke my heart by trying to get me to have sex with these guys again, years later, when I was older and more willing to stand up for myself.  It was the Alpha Male, the Asshole and a whole hotel room full of older guys actually, like 10-15 of them and I refused and someone stole my clothes and I was crying and begging him not to make me do it.  Eventually it got to him and he put some of his own clothes on me and drove me home. 

I know this probably sounds awful and traumatic but really for the most part it wasn’t.  Still emotionally, it was hard.  I had a few boyfriends that came and went but mostly there was minimal emotional relationship and a lot of times I felt used.  It’s really hard on my part to explain WHY I would continue to go there and I think a lot of it was just psychological plus a love of sex!! 

I can’t say I was “afraid” of any of the guys themselves or anything like that.  I even once got raped at gunpoint by a college basketball player and guess where I went afterwards?  I walked straight over to that basement room, though I never told anyone what had happened. 

I didn’t like the gangbangs at all and have a hard time comprehending women who are into them (though whatever floats your boat I guess).  The sex though, for me was addictive.  I had sex just about every day with at least one person and often more, though overall it was a repeat of the same guys over and over.  S and I would sometimes think we were “doing well” if we’d gone a few days without “giving in” to sleeping with one guy or another.  We even once read an article and decided we were “sex addicts”.  Well, hell, perhaps I still am, if that’s a real malady!  I’ve taken a test online on one of these sex addicts anonymous type sites and scored pretty highly.

I know there is very low respect in general for females who are doing the whole crew so again, this tends to be something I rarely talk about. I don’t want to portray myself as a victim though, because the majority of this stuff was done willingly.  Obviously, the rapes were not but they weren’t “that bad” either.  No one was physically hurting me.  It actually took me a long time to get to the point where I could even acknowledge that they actually WERE rapes (discounting the gunpoint guy and the stranger).  I did feel badly about having a train run on me though, because who can feel good about that?  Well, maybe women who fantasize about this in a swinger context?  That is soooo hard for me to understand, I guess due to the things that happened with me.

As S said, this did end up actually giving me a certain amount of “popularity” and of course free advertising that I liked sex!  Word does tend to get out and Lord knows there were plenty of guys who exaggerated their sexual escapades with me as well but only amongst certain people.

 There were a lot of FEMALES who were jealous of me.  Many knew S and I hung out over there but weren’t really aware of the whole of what was going on.  Still it got me into a couple of fights.  Thankfully I usually had people to back me up and nothing serious came of any of it. 

To add to my “popularity” (lol) sometimes I was pulled in on drug deals as a cover.  Like I would be at a party and a couple of guys would grab me and bring me in the bathroom so as not to look suspicious.  I’d be sitting on one of the guy’s laps while they did their business. Well, of course we all know what THAT looked like to outsiders.  Some girls really resented me for stuff like this because I was let into rooms that they were locked out of and stuff and didn’t know what was going on.

In any case, I couldn’t live this way forever and as I’ve mentioned in previous posts I had a need to move on and do better for myself.  After a run with the crazy, psycho ex, the guy who broke my heart and the platonic friend who I started having threesomes with, I went away to college and from there I met my ex husband.  S didn’t know for sure that her baby belonged to Alpha Male until long after he was dead and gone. She kept on with some pretty crazy stuff though and had a child with another man who was murdered as well as with someone who abused her.  Nowadays she seems to be doing better and her oldest kids anyway are doing great and never got into the kind of trouble we did.

Anyhow, due to all this, I can’t say that for ME, monogamy seems like the default!  I really didn’t have a lot of it in my early days of having sex.  Still, EMOTIONALLY I have a tendency to WANT that.  So am I doing it because of being “damaged”?  Well, maybe to an extent but I also have seen so much cheating (and sometimes from guys you’d never guess it from and who weren’t getting into “trouble” otherwise) that it is hard for me to believe it wouldn’t happen anyway, especially even when my preaching, low sex drive ex husband fell in love with someone else!