Redefining love

If you are looking for good advice on how to be good in bed, as a woman, where do you go? As far as we seem to have come from Victorian “lie back and think of England” days, there really isn’t a lot out there that gives GOOD advice to women regarding what to do in the sack. I mean, we have Cosmo et al, but… well, try at your own risk.

I love this article by the way Cosmo’s Most Ridiculous Sex Tips. Really sheds some light on the ridiculousness of some of the “advice” out there given to women on how to improve their sex lives. Dip your boobs in edible body paint and make a masterpiece all over his body? Feed each other ice cream in the dark and lick it up? Give him a beer facial? Unless you have an extremely patient and forgiving significant other, please ladies, don’t try these at home!!

Here’s a truly embarrassing admission. Back in the day I actually read and TRIED a couple of sex tips I found in magazines like these, because, well, reading all that stuff made me feel like if I wasn’t doing weird shit in bed that guys would think I was BORING. Bad, bad idea. LOL Food and sex don’t mix well. Really, they don’t. Not to mention I nearly threw up once trying to give a guy a blow job with some sort of strawberry flavored lube. Yuck!! I want to taste his dick, not his dick covered with flavored lube. It’s gross, seriously.

Now ice cubes? Okay, maybe I’ll bend on that one. I once had a guy ask me to give him a blow job with ice cubes in my mouth because someone had done it to him at a massage parlor. He played college basketball and the coach took them there after they won a game (totally shady shit, I know, I know but clearly no one was complaining- makes you wonder!!). He seemed to like that a lot. 😉

Anyway, the advice in most of those magazines sucks! They always want you to be some kind of a dominatrix, taking control and doing things to him too. I don’t doubt that sometimes men like that but I’m not convinced it’s necessary, despite all the “real men” they quote saying otherwise.

Plus, it’s just NOT ME. I hate being the one to control things in bed. It turns me off and puts too much pressure on me to perform, to the point where I can’t orgasm or really EXPERIENCE the sex the way I want to. I’ve come to the realization that I just am very submissive in bed and it’s really OKAY to be that way. Some men even PREFER it and those are the ones I want to spend my time with. Sorry Cosmo, as far as your editors are concerned I suck in the sack, so I guess I won’t be fucking them, but the men I come across seem to enjoy me just fine.

I’m more than happy to do all kinds of things in the bedroom, and honestly pretty much anything he wants if I like him enough, but I don’t need to be mixing up all sorts of crazy shit to make him happy. Whip cream and chocolate sauce are better on ice cream than on each other’s genitals, which taste just fine on their own. Peanut butter, mangoes and tomato sauce? Oh Hell no! His bedroom is not a fucking restaurant! LOL

By the way, I think we can at least give Cosmo a little nod for helping me get married to my ex husband. I’m pretty sure I tried a few of their “tricks” on him in the beginning (hey, I WAS only 18 when we started dating, lol) and he seemed to enjoy them quite a bit. Maybe that’s part of why he mistook me for the dominatrix I am not. :/ I was playing a role to turn HIM on that wasn’t exciting to ME. Maybe I can thank them too, for the years I spent afterwards, expected to ride him into oblivion while he just lay there and got off and I didn’t. Yeah, that pretty much killed all my enthusiasm for being “on top”. :p

Anyhow, obviously it’s not all Cosmo’s fault, lol, but I do wish I’d had better advice in that regard. It’s hard for a woman to find! Even now in the days of Google, the sex advice for women isn’t much better.

Speaking of Google, there’s something else we females use it for nowadays and that’s advice about love and relationships. Men google that stuff too, don’t even try to hide it guys, lol, but women are still concerned with the age old question of “does he love me”? We may not be plucking flower petals and reciting it over and over “he loves me, he loves me not” but we still wonder and obsess over it, wanting a real answer. Only now, we do internet searches, not that it wields much better in the way of results.

Come on people, fess up. Have you ever done an internet search for something like “how to tell if he/she is falling in love with me?” I know I’m not the only one, and judging from the myriads of results, well, there are a lot of people who wonder that very thing.

The sad thing is that even with all there is out there on the web, there is very little good and true advice about how a person acts when they are IN LOVE. It’s all also hyper focused on monogamy and for the poly-tically inclined, well, you’re out of luck! Apparently you CAN’T be in love if you are even so much as LOOKING at other people and feeling attracted. The same is true if you are married and cheating on your spouse. Married men “never” can fall in love with the other woman, because well, marriage vows somehow prevent that. Sorry folks, and betrayed spouses out there, but this simply isn’t true, no matter how much you WANT it to be.

That piece of paper you sign, the wedding vows, the promises you make, the hopes you have for the future, none of that is a GUARANTEE of anything. It doesn’t lock down your spouse for life the way you want it to because we are all human beings, capable of deception, capable of getting turned on and attraction to someone else, capable of feelings and emotions that surprise us and capable of having sex with more than one person. Yes, in a lot of ways this sucks, but it is the truth.

Look it up on the internet and you’ll find all kinds of articles telling you that if a man loves you he will cease to have any interest in other females, he will automatically want to introduce you to all of his friends and family, he will buy you gifts and pledge his undying devotion, he will make a commitment to you and only you, he will drop everything going on in his life and want to spend every waking moment with you, if he “really” loves you. Otherwise, you’ve been played!

Sorry, but I don’t believe that at all. I’ve felt love for different people in my life and expressed it in different ways. I’m falling in love with the Professor but I can still have sex with other men. I don’t need to spend every moment with him because I’m at a point in my life where I like a little bit of space and so does he. We aren’t getting married and I think it’s fine and good for us to have separate interests and not even live together. I’m not jumping at the bit to introduce him to everyone I know yet (though he has met my grandmother and my kids). It’s okay, really. Love doesn’t have to fit in a little peghole that society wants to put it into.

All that said, even though he’s still interested in other women, he isn’t making a commitment to me and he isn’t dropping everything in his life to be with me and coming over during all his spare time, I don’t doubt that the Professor is feeling things for ME.

He does a lot of things for me that are clearly from the heart and what you wouldn’t do for just anyone. Like last night he came over here and brought me a new antenna for my tv that he had bought, just for me because he knew I wanted to be able to watch the NCAA tournament and couldn’t get the right channel. It was a wonderful surprise and he took the time to hook it all up and then went and stopped my toilet from running too! It had been messing up for a few days and the landlord hadn’t been able to come out. I never asked him to do those things he just offered. You’d have to be crazy to offer to fix someone’s toilet if you didn’t like them! LOL

I LOVE IT that he is so helpful and thoughtful and looks out for me. I could give a fuck less about the nonsense others think about how him wanting to continue sleeping with other people must mean he isn’t into ME. Sure there are times I have doubts but stuff like last night confirms what I already know. Emotions aren’t defined by logic. People can feel something for each other despite not acting in the way society says they should.

I felt very much the same way about the guy I had the affair with. Sure others would say oh, people in an affair never can “really” love each other or that if we did we would be wanting to get married, but that’s simply not true. Love comes in all different shades. We need to stop trying to put it in a box. Two people can have feelings for each other and it not look anything like it is “supposed to” from the outside.

I want to take a minute to give a little shout out and thanks to Kdaddy23 here for his great advice, in my blog comments, during the interview with him HERE and privately over email. He has a lot of experience and keeps reiterating to me that in order to do this I need to drop everything I ever learned about love and monogamy and RELEARN a whole new way to live. I’m seeing what he is saying, bit by bit and it’s quite eye opening! Thanks! I’m still a work in progress but it’s such an interesting road to be on. I think I’m really going to enjoy the journey. 😉

23 thoughts on “Redefining love

  1. While I doubt I’ll ever embrace a “poly” lifestyle, I absolutely agree that love comes in many different forms and that it isn’t just black and white. I also know that you can love two people at the same time, at least SOME people can. I don’t think I ever have, but…I know my MM loved/loves me, and that he still loves his wife. He loves us very differently, and some of it has to do with age, life experience and breaking away from the “mold” that we are taught in life. I’m not in a place, nor will I probably ever be in a place where I can be “committed” to someone and know he is sleeping with someone else. I have however, come to believe that marriage kind of sucks and that I would PREFER honesty over false commitment ANY day, no matter how much it hurts.

    I think that two people, who believe the same things in life, CAN have a monogamous marriage and CAN be happy doing so. My parents are an example of that. I know this. (some might say how do I know…well, I just do.) But for me, I think our generation is the first (even thought now we are hitting our late 30’s and early 40’s….some of us anyway!) who is realizing that marriage just might not be all it’s cracked up to be. I never thought I’d write that and maybe I’m just damaged and scorned and protecting my heart? Who knows.

    Either way, people change over time and so do their wants and needs. I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that if my MM could do it over again, he wouldn’t have gotten married. At 28, he thought he was old enough and back then…in 1996, he was maybe even considered “older”. But now…I don’t want my children to even contemplate getting married until they are at least 30. (if marriage is something they desire.) To me, it has it’s benefits. Especially if you are raised with a somewhat religious background or have a religious belief system. I can see that.

    But based on what I know now, it just kind of sucks. I have so many friends who are either getting divorced or wish they were or are just plain miserable in their marriages. Then I have MM, who is basically just “stucK” by his own choosing, I must say….and feels that getting a divorce b/c HIS needs changed, would make him a dead beat dad. He feels like he “made a commitment” and that just b/c he decided he didn’t like marriage, it’s not her fault or the kid’s fault. And, I do respect him for that, but in the same breath I have to say….but it’s okay to cheat, b/c you hate your marriage?

    See? THAT dynamic right there, is why I totally get what you are doing. It’s why I my views on marriage and all of it’s “benefits” is so drastically different than it once was. But is that simply b/c mine sucked? Is that simply b/c I never received any true benefits outside of financial stability? It’s just all kind of fucked up, to me, when I stop and think about it. Although, I am in a changing place in my life, so maybe I’m just mixed up, a bit jaded and confused about the point of ANY exclusive relationship at all? LOL!

    Either way…I have NO IDEA what my comment had to do with sex! I guess maybe I was going to say that different couples have different things that work, and then I got WAAAYYY off track. I was probably going to comment on how love is defined and then this is what you got instead! I’m just glad that things are going well for you and the professor. Really. He sounds like a great guy. I can imagine how hard it must be to toss out old thoughts that make you want to label your relationship, just so you feel secure, VS. accepting the love that is probably there, even though you guys are in other situations sometimes too. It takes an open mind and a lot of trust and communication to do that. So kudos to you, for trying and for being pretty darned happy while you do!

    • I love to hear stories of people who have happy long term marriages like your parents. It’s nice to know they are out there. I wonder sometimes HOW they manage to do it. I really haven’t met too many personally and especially personally enough to grill them with questions about how they manage. My experience has been that a lot of them are less happy than they seem, or maybe they are just okay with a more platonic style relationship and sex isn’t that important in their lives.

      Like my grandmother, well, she was divorced twice and she has told me some crazy stories about her sex life. Apparently the first husband liked sex all the time but then he went on and cheated on her. So did the second and she also cheated on him. According to my mother my grandma was having an affair with the milkman (no joke) and it was the scandal of the town. He’d park his milk truck down the street and she said everyone knew about it. SO, it makes me wonder how much stuff was “going on” back then that just wasn’t talked about. So many stories of the past involve adultery. If you look at major leaders they were all boning someone else on the side and had mistresses etc. I bet if it wasn’t so common for women the Bible wouldn’t have had to have all these harsh “rules” against it for them either.

      I think the biggest benefit of marriage is for the children of course. I realize now though that my ex wasn’t really that great of a parent even then. He would undermine me constantly and it caused a lot of issues with me being the strict parent and him just acting like another kid. He also was emotionally checked out of their lives and it really became apparent after the divorce. It makes me sad but at the same time I don’t think staying married would have necessarily given them ideal parenting either. So, if the parents are both really working at being good parents I think they CAN do it quite well after a divorce or if they never get married in the first place. The benefit is really in that it supposedly keeps the dad involved in their life but if he’s a good guy and does it anyway it’s less of an issue.

      I can understand and respect people wanting to stay married for the kids. I did it for a heck of a long time even though looking back I kinda wish I’d gotten out sooner, that maybe it would have been easier. I have a teenage son that is having some difficult struggles so I really do see the benefit of a father figure in his life. The sad thing is his dad is here and lives nearby he just won’t step to the plate. When we were married I was more in a position to force it but that’s really what it had to be.

      Sometimes I think maybe I’m just jaded and others I’m like but this is reality. It’s hard sometimes to know but I don’t want to have false hope in this myth of happily ever after either.

      The Professor really has been great. I like him a whole lot. It’s hard sometimes not to question this whole lifestyle but I think if we put our minds to it we can make it work and meanwhile it can be a lot of fun and excitement.

      I admit that sometimes when things are going well with us I am more reluctant to want to sleep with other guys. Its like I just don’t want to put him through that! Because I know how I feel when the roles are reversed. So it’s tempting to stick with what you know and the monogamous training in your head but we keep branching out a bit here and there and so far even though it can be challenging it seems to be working.

    • Hahaha…. I know right? I’m an adult and I’m still tempted to look at that stuff while I’m standing in line at the store or something and it’s like, come on!! This is a joke!! Men are not going to be impressed with how much food you can slather all over their bodies, lmao!! All it ends up being is a sticky, gross, mess that ruins your sheets! I’d rather be ruining them with other..fluids..haha

  2. The reason magazines like Cosmo exist is because we have to learn to have sex OJT… and then usually based on a set of beliefs that actually were taught to us and not our own idea of it, like shit your parents and friends may or may not say about it. Bad enough that there are men who ain’t committed to giving a woman as much pleasure as he can… but would you believe there are many women who don’t know how they can or should be pleased? I know I’ve had a lot women tell me, when asked the question, “What do you like?” that (1) they’re easy to please and (2) they don’t know of any one thing that’ll toss them off the orgasmic cliff… because they really don’t know and, hell, no, they weren’t easy to please either.

    Cosmo tries to make it fun with games and, yeah, even food… but even they assume that everyone reading such things has a firm grasp of the basics… and that ain’t necessarily the truth because while experience can be a good teacher, it can also be the worst way to learn. Most women I know are content to let the guy do whatever he’s gonna do and just be on the receiving end of whatever that is; if it works for them, fine… but most of the time it doesn’t. I say that for a woman to be good in bed, one, she shouldn’t have much in the way of inhibitions and, two, she should be willing to be more of a participant than just being on the receiving end of someone else’s idea of what good sex might be.

    I don’t mean become overly critical; in this, men have very fragile egos so if you start beating them over the head for not doing things to your satisfaction, um, think about this: Did you even tell him how best to make love to you? Oh, were you waiting for him to ask? Why would you do that? See, you leave a man to his own devices and you just might be asking for trouble; he might get lucky and get it all right… but, more often than not, this ain’t gonna happen.

    I know I’ve told women, “Look, I know how to make love… what I don’t know is how to make love to YOU.” I think women should be more involved in the process, be willing to work with what they have, and not really setting some standard for satisfaction because while I don’t know about other guys, if we’re making love, I’d prefer that you be making love to me instead of some idea in your head that might be impossible for me to duplicate.

    • Oh, I’ll be the first to admit it took me a really long time to figure out what I really wanted in bed and that was after a lot of experience. Unfortunately I think it takes women a long, long time sometimes because we aren’t really encouraged to find out what WE like most of the time. We get this idea in our heads that sex is all about pleasing the man, because that is what society tells us for the most part, and don’t even think of ourselves.

      That’s why you have so many women saying we don’t care if we have an orgasm during sex. To be honest, I didn’t either, for a very long time because I hadn’t experienced it! We are taught to suppress our desires so much that we don’t even know ourselves what we want. A lot of times those of us who DO figure it out are in our 30’s or beyond.

      I think some of that goes back to the idea that women who like sex are “sluts” and that only men are supposed to be into it. There is still a stigma that prevents women from exploring as much and makes them afraid, even in today’s day and age, of being perceived that way. We also are sometimes afraid of seeming too demanding and think if a guy isn’t doing something we like (like going down on us) it’s because he thinks it’s gross and so are afraid to ask.

      Even with as much experience as I have now it still is hard for me to ask for what I want in bed. Part of that is wanting him to be more dominant and the turn on of him already knowing what to do. Some of it is probably just being female and used to a more indirect form of communication. I’ll hint at stuff and if he doesn’t get it I’m thinking he doesn’t want to go there.

      If you like things that are outside the norm it can be really hard to approach it with a guy too. You don’t want to risk turning him off though I’ve gotten more to the point where it’s like if he doesn’t like the same things I do then why even bother? I’m not trying to end up in another situation like I was with my ex husband with a passive guy, so mostly I let men know I like someone dominant up front.

      Also, I’ve noticed that men don’t really take too kindly to “advice” unless it’s asked for and that includes sex. So out of fear of upsetting their ego we can tend to keep quiet too. That and personally there have been times I’ve tried to make clear something I wanted in bed and the guy still didn’t “listen”. He still wasn’t gonna do it “my way” lol. So experience has taught me that men aren’t that receptive to what you ask for sometimes. My technique that has worked best so far has been to discuss it lightheartedly outside of the bedroom and hope for the best. :p

  3. Well, men aren’t always good at following direction and, really, if they can’t, you probably shouldn’t be trying to have sex with them. Still, if you (not you) aren’t going to put your wants and needs out there, well, it’s not the guy’s fault even if he fails to ask – and the reason why most guys don’t ask is because women can’t or won’t answer.

    Then there’s this: You can ask and all that… and then you assume that the guy will be able to do whatever it is you’re asking for and that he can do it the way you think it should be done. And when he can’t, well, he sucks, doesn’t he?

    I understand that women, for centuries, have been made to believe that cutting loose and going for the gusto ain’t something ‘good girls’ ever do; they get told to basically trust a man to take care of your needs and that, as you probably know, is one hell of a crap shoot… like he’s really gonna know and fully understand what gets your boat to floating? And if you (not you) don’t know… well, you see the problem here, huh?

    I say to you – and to any woman reading my words – to forget the stigma; if you want to be pleased, do what you gotta do to make that happen and if he can’t hang, well, either train him or find someone else willing to learn how to make love to YOU. A woman who I love dearly once told me that men want a lady in public and a whore in bed; it actually embarrassed me to hear her say this… but she was right and I could see where being that ‘whore in bed’ was not only fun for the guy but speaks very highly of the woman who can shuck off the dumb shit about sex and go for what she knows.

    I could go on about this – but I won’t.

    • Communication in the bedroom is definitely important. There really is a wide variety of what people like, both men and women. Its like walking a tight rope with men though because a lot of times THEY are turned off by women being too forward about what they want, regardless of claiming they want to know. You all put us in a catch 22. Not that we don’t do the same, as you mentioned, expecting him to do things and not telling him what they are, lol.

      Part of the problem, at least for me, is that I am turned on by a guy already knowing what to do. If I have to tell him then it kind of defeats the purpose of it all. It’s not sexy to me to have to teach a guy stuff. 😛 I like men that are really dominant in the bedroom but at the same time loving and not mean and sometimes men can also misinterpret that. Some men (and women) equate dominance with roughness and name calling and stuff that I’m not that into. Anyway, I’m getting better at communicating that to guys before I have sex with them or at least filtering out the ones that aren’t what I am looking for by finding out a bit about them first.

      • Well, there’s your problem – assuming and even demanding that he already knows how to rock your world and without any prior and meaningful communication, um, how is he supposed to know that? Like I said, I know how to make love but I wouldn’t know how to make love to YOU unless (a) I ask some questions you might not want to (or are unable to) answer or (b) you tell me what you want, how you want it, stuff like that. Then it would be up to me to figure out whether or not I can deliver.

        And, really, if you’re unwilling to teach or to otherwise be explicit about that which overloads your brain and body, why are you or any woman surprised when some dude doesn’t get it right? Because it’s really not about what you want or what I want; it’s about what we can do together… and that requires a great deal of communication on the subject. And women want to know why we think they’re insane? Now you know why.

        I get that some women want the guy to be all in charge and all that; in fact, I was raised with that same mindset just like a lot of guys. But therein lies another problem because now you get subjected to HIS idea of what’s to be done and that might not completely go along with YOUR idea of what he should be doing. You see the problem here right away, yes?

        See, as a guy, I have a default set of behaviors that are in place for getting busy with a woman and unless she says or does something – like ask for something in particular – I will almost always operate on my default setting. That could either be a good thing… or a very bad thing. So I know I’ve always tried to be different in my approach, um, like, if you don’t know, ask.

        Except it totally sucks to ask and not get answers, doesn’t it? Or you get a reply of, “You’re the man – you’re supposed to know what to do so why are you asking me?”

        Any of this sound familiar? It should… it’s the way most women behave. Did I mention y’all are insane?

        As I’ve said, some women have no problem with putting their wants and needs out there and telling us, “Now, handle it!” Then it’s up to us to stand and deliver or face total humiliation… which is why you never talk shit to a woman that you can’t back up. If we’re smart – and some of us ain’t – if you toss something out there that we don’t think we can do, we’ll tell you that we can’t and maybe even tell ya what we can do in place of it.

        But not all of us are that smart, are we, nor are there many women who have what it takes to put her ‘very private shit’ out there for us to get our hands (and other things) on. Women don’t like it when men want to have a sexual conversation with them; in fact, I’ve known them to get quite pissy about it and assume that our only interest in them is fucking them… which is true but not the point. If we don’t talk about it, as a man, I might very well fail; if I say something about it, I’m an asshole and I can forget being able to get with you.

        You do see the problems here, right?

      • I know. I do see the problem, really I do! LOL Just saying that it makes it more difficult.

        My fwb, the morning after the first time we had sex, sat me on his lap and questioned me about why I didn’t have an orgasm the night before. I thought I was going to die of embarrassment!!

        I wasn’t at that time able to articulate for him but it helps if a guy asks specific questions and maybe gives me a chance to expound on them. I’m not one who minds discussing sex outside of the bedroom, though I admit sometimes it is still hard to be forward about what I want.

        I just don’t want to be all bossy or nagging him to do things. That wouldn’t go over well with most men either. A lot of times women just don’t know exactly either. We just know it either feels good or it doesn’t and it takes a while to learn why. Add that a lot of us have had negative experiences with trying to make our needs known to men and it just makes communication seem really difficult.

        I’ve found that guys who ask what I like beforehand and try to get a general idea do tend to pull it off better in the bedroom though. It doesn’t hurt to be like so how do you like it and pry a bit, not in my mind anyway.

  4. If you don’t mind me asking, what does the Professor teach? Is he more of a math person? Artist? Psychology or Sociology? Wondering what type of person he is that he has captured your heart so thoroughly!

    • Hey Rebekah! Sorry to be kind of evasive, but I like to keep some of the details that might make us too easily identifiable out of my blog. I sometimes even slightly skew stuff that might be too obvious. In any case his profession is really kind of a non issue because we don’t talk about it or things to do with it that often. My feelings for him are more about how he treats me and the chemistry we have together and in bed. I really like that he is so thoughtful and really listens to me, unlike a majority of men. We have interesting conversations and I love spending time with him. He’s a great all around person.

      • I completely understand. I was wondering if there was something about him that made him an especially good communicator that made him different from other men. He is probably relieved not to have to talk about work with you!

      • Well, I do think it takes skill to be able to communicate with students on a daily basis and he seems to be really good with them so it’s definitely something he has a lot of practice with! Plus he’s educated and interesting to talk to in general and I enjoy that. 🙂

      • It definitely takes skill! I had some real snoozers for professors. 🙂

        Good conversation is so important! I don’t know how important it is to every girl, but I know that’s the way I connect with someone. I can totally become attracted to someone I was originally via good conversation.

  5. I have learned that especially in this, if you don’t ask, you’ll never know… and it’s important to know since sex is an important part of our existence – and whether we choose to believe that or not. Being a nag about it just creates problems; asking a partner to do something he doesn’t know how to do, can’t do, or doesn’t believe in doing creates problems. This is, in part, about expectations and that ideal situation we carry around in our heads about getting laid and anything that doesn’t meet the specifications of that ideal situation is usually seen as a problem.

    Like I say, I know what to do and all that… but what needs to be learned, in some way, is how all of that can, does, and will apply to the other person and having them say that they’re easy to please or that they like anything just doesn’t cut it, at least in my book.

    But that’s me.

  6. I’m not sure any of us can really know how it feels to someone else to be in love, and I think that as long as the relationship works between the people involved, they can call whatever they have “love” if they want to. What does it really matter what your particular version of love is, so long as it works for you and your partner(s)?

    I’m a man who is in love with two different women at the same time. I love my wife, but my love for her is mostly as a great friend and trustworthy partner. I love my mistress as my best friend, and wonderful sexual partner. I love them both, but in different ways, and I don’t think my love for one diminishes my love for the other (from my perspective). To say that it does is kind of silly…like you can’t love both of your children…

    That said, passion I think, at least what I’d call “true” passion is a one at a time thing. I think of passion as an exclusive emotion that distorts your focus, skews your priorities, and may warp your judgement. When I was really passionate about Amy (mistress) I wasn’t interested in anyone or anything else. Passion has cooled to love, and now my mind, and my urges wander.

    But then, I do know that for a time, when I had a lot of access to Amy, and she was able to fulfill my needs more completely (mostly due to time etc), that I felt kind of like a person who goes to a restaurant on a full stomach…food doesn’t even look good. When Amy and I were at our best, I had no desire to fool around with anyone else, except for the stray craving for sex with a man, which Amy couldn’t help with. Was that love? Is the relationship that I’m in now love? All that matters is what I and we (my partners) think and act about it. Cosmo, or anyone else be damned really.

    • I like your explanation, even if it still sounds to me like your mistress is getting the better end of the deal! Would you say at one point you had that passion for your wife and it too cooled to love? I agree that love is really only definable (is that a word? haha) by the two people involved. Each “love” is different, though there may be some similarities. I’m falling for the Professor but it is different than the “butterflies” feeling I have had in the past for others. I’ve had relationships that were very passionate but short lived and ones where we sort of grew on each other. Each time with a new person is a new experience, a love that I’ve not felt before. It usually leaves me questioning whether I ever loved the people before because it’s in a different way.

      • I felt passion for my wife, but it was soooooo long ago it is kind of hard to remember. I do remember it though, the way I felt when I was trying to “woo” her, and the way I felt around her and with her. I was very much in love with her for a long time, and I felt I had a pretty good deal until I met Amy (my mistress). Like you, it made me question everything I knew before…actually it made me, and is still making me, question everything in my life, and my own judgement. Being an insecure person who plays a very secure person to the rest of the world, I’ve ALWAYS been fearful that I would think I knew what was going on, but was clueless…and that is exactly what happened with Jenn and Amy. What Amy has done for me, how she treats me, has been an amazing and eye opening experience, and I now know, that although Jenn is a nice woman, and a dear dear friend, that she never gave me, and still doesn’t give me all that I need and want from a partner. Sadly I figured that out too late in my life to make it a good choice for me to move on.

        I’ve only ever loved two people (romantically) in my life. So I don’t have a good range of experience to draw from. I know both times have been amazing, wonderful, and delightfully all consuming in the passion stage. And I know both are very nice in the general love stage. Love, as long as it is healthy, and good for you, is wonderful in whatever form or shape it takes.

      • I agree. Your situation sounds similar to the way a lot of people’s love lives play out. They love someone and marry them but later find passion with another and feel that they are getting things they were missing all those years.

        To me, I sometimes wonder if this is really the way things are SUPPOSED to play out. We have a certain type of love in our younger years to enable us to start families and raise children but as we get older there are different needs and those end up being met elsewhere and in different relationships. I’m not at all convinced that people are naturally monogamous. To me it seems more like we aren’t.

  7. Pingback: “Good in bed” and what it means to me… | lifeofalovergirl

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