Sometimes sharing sucks!

sharing

Sharing someone you have feelings for is scary. It’s HARD knowing that person you care so much about is naked in bed with another person, maybe right now. It’s one thing to SAY you are theoretically “okay” with it and quite another to follow through with the experience of waiting while you know the person you’ve got it bad for is fucking another person and you have no idea or control over what is going on. Your imagination can run at full speed. Sometimes I wonder if I’m really cut out for this.

I’ve seen a lot of people online talk about having a polyamorous orientation and acting as though some people just ARE and some aren’t. I’m really not so sure. If that’s the case, I don’t think I would qualify. Not because I don’t enjoy sex with different people, I do, but because when I develop feelings for someone my very natural inclination is to be exclusive with them, especially emotionally.

In order for me to swing or have sex with someone else when I’m deep in the throes of emotions with someone is honestly kind of difficult. So why do I do it?

For me, right now, (and this is always subject to change) I push myself to continue with other men because I can see the consequences ahead if I DON’T. I guess you can say I’m taking a logical approach to it all, even though this isn’t a brand of logic everyone would understand! I may appear to an outsider to be jumping on every cock I can because I’m out of control insanely horny and while there is some truth to the being horny part (lol) it’s a lot more calculated than it appears.

I look at it like this. I am falling in love with the Professor. I see it, I feel it, I know it’s coming, though I’m not at the point where I flat out tell him that yet, and I suspect he feels the same way about me. I know though, that “in love” is a temporary feeling. I know it doesn’t last forever, really for much of anyone. I’m not arguing that you can’t love a person forever. I’ll love my kids and my siblings forever, but that “in love” romantic feeling is fleeting.

I adore the Professor. I like him more and more all the time and feel increasingly affectionate towards him. Right now a big part of me wants him ALL TO MYSELF. Especially, when I’m lying there in bed with him or sharing incredible one on one sex. I also just really like him as a person. He’s wonderful. He listens to me and is supportive and sweet and kindhearted. Like anyone else, he’s not perfect but I can respect him and love spending time with him. He treats me well, probably better than any guy ever has in my life and I love that. Did I mention he’s GREAT in bed??

However, there are a couple of things here. We STARTED this relationship as swingers. Well, we met on a swinger site and the second night we spent together was fucking a bunch of other people. When I met him I already had a few guys in my life that I’m not totally willing to let go. I’m not currently “in love” with any of them but there are reasons I might not want to completely shut them out, especially the married man and the guy I had the affair with.

Some of those reasons are a bit shallow. The married man? How could I ever say no to sex like that? I just CAN’T. If you’ve ever had just totally incredible, mind blowing sex with someone maybe you’ll understand. Even though it’s been quite a while since he and I have gotten together, I don’t know if I’m EVER willing to completely shut that out as a possibility. Seriously.

Don’t get me wrong, there are things I love so much about the sex with the Professor that in some ways it is even better.

Emotionally it is INCREDIBLE, and he gives me tons of orgasms as well, but my experiences with the married guy were so out of this world amazing that the temptation to engage in that again would be SO STRONG. Honestly I don’t know how I could ever stop having sex with the Professor either but at least this way if one of them drops out of my life forever I still have the other.

The guy I had the affair with, well, that goes a bit deeper. We really don’t even talk much now but just knowing he is THERE and knowing if I ever need him he probably still will be, means a lot. I hope and think he feels the same way. We even missed out on seeing each other recently and we could have when I was in town and that was okay, but I’m not ready to write him off. There are things he understands and gets about me that very few people do, due to our shared experiences and friends and family, where we grew up, our relationships with all these people and the times he has been in my life.

Recently when I was home visiting and my mom asked me for money, only to turn around and use it to buy cigars so she could make blunts to share with my siblings, getting high while I was downstairs watching all the kids. Well, not a lot of people would know how I felt at that moment but he would. I texted the Professor and his response was “that’s crazy!!” Maybe it is, but not in my world. It’s typical behavior from my mom and the affair guy knows and understands because he deals with the same sort of thing with his dad and siblings too and is in a similar position to me in that regard. I appreciate being able to talk to the Professor as well, but it’s nice to be understood sometimes and that aspect of my friendship with Mr. Affair is inexplicable. He was there and helped me realize that my marriage was emotionally abusive and that I needed to get out, he knew me when I was a teenager and he knows and gets where I’m coming from because he’s been there too.

My fuck buddy or my FWB I could give up if I needed to, but I don’t have to. The nice part about being “poly” is that you can keep the people in your life that you want and don’t have to shut them out just because of someone new. I’m sure the Professor feels the same way about this married woman in his life. I’d personally like her to be gone, but because of the nature of our relationship I don’t push him to get rid of her.

Then there is the fact that a big part of our relationship is BASED on doing things like going to swinger parties together and the possibility of meeting with others for sex. I can’t deny that I enjoy the excitement of it all! I look forward to new adventures and at least it’s not boring! I also love being able to be real with one another about our sexual activities and not having to hide the fact that we are sleeping with anyone else. I love that I can have sex with another guy and he will still want me. It’s a new dimension of feeling accepted.

Not to say that any of that is easy, for either one of us, because it isn’t. Recently when I slept with my fuck buddy the Professor had a hard time, even though he had been with another woman at a party not too long before that. For a while afterwards he feels upset and sometimes angry with me, though he knows and admits it isn’t logical and that they are just feelings. He said it really bothered him when I said I missed him soon after having had sex with someone else and he doesn’t like to hear that on the same day. The truth is I really DID miss him but I do see how it could be upsetting even if hearing that would mostly be REASSURING to ME were the roles reversed.

Sex with another man, believe it or not, sometimes has that effect on me. It actually makes me want to reconnect and be with the Professor MORE because he is my favorite and the only person I am currently emotionally attached to. Even during our first swinger party, when we were sleeping with a bunch of others, the highlight of the event, for me, was getting to be back in his arms, with him inside me, as the grand finale! Already, we seemed to have that emotional bond.

All that said though, we both have been struggling with the sharing thing. As I said, it’s HARD when you are so into someone. It’s easy to let your imagination run wild or to be affected by hurt feelings and fear of loss. While it’s easy to say I don’t want to be monogamous, the actual practice of sharing your favorite lover is a real challenge sometimes.

Like recently the Professor was travelling to the city near where the married woman lives for a tournament game. He had plans to meet with her and it was really stressing me out. I tried to keep it to myself and push it out of my mind as much as possible but it was still affecting me.

They were gonna see each other on Saturday night and Thursday I was coming over to his house to be together. I tried and tried not to think about it but I feel like the sex was affected. Even though HE was doing everything right as usual, I had a much harder time orgasming with him. I WANTED to, especially because there is that impetus to outdo the competition, but I was struggling. It’s like I couldn’t completely let go and be as vulnerable with him as I usually am. I needed to put up a wall to protect myself from the possibility of hurt when he was with her. :/

Now don’t get me wrong, I still came a handful of times, but I also “missed” several orgasms. It was like I’d build up to that point and just couldn’t let myself open up all the way with him. We didn’t even make as much eye contact as usual and I think a lot of it was me and fear of what was to come. I don’t know how much of it was apparent to him but he did comment afterwards that I wasn’t quite as loud as “usual”. :/ We still had a great time and connected and laying with him afterwards, his arms wrapped protectively around me, was comforting, but still that lingering fear.

So when he headed out of town and I had decided to go up and visit my family (actually not too far from where he was) that weekend as well, I think both of us were a bit worried. He asked me several times about my plans to meet up with other men and both the married man and the guy I had the affair with live up that way so were possibilities.

At first the married woman had planned to spend the night with him in the hotel and I was so on edge it was driving me nuts. Sex was one thing, but sleeping in his arms afterwards is another. It was a painful reminder that they have been emotionally and not just sexually involved and also that I don’t get to stay overnight with him that often due to my ex not taking the kids usually for more than a few hours at a time.

I felt like I was going to throw up. I kept trying to take my mind off of it, focusing on my trip and other things but it wasn’t easy at all. It was because of this that I even considered seeing the other guys because I would actually be pretty busy between visiting family and taking care of my children. I wanted to have something to look forward to and to ease my mind off what HE was doing. Flirting and talking to them and discussing the possibility helped a little bit.

Thankfully though, at the last moment the married woman’s husband decided to pull the plug on their rendezvous. She had told the Professor that he was “acting funny” about it and I guess he changed his mind. Funny thing is last time he didn’t want them to play either. I have to wonder what is going on there. Part of me thinks if she REALLY wanted to she could either convince him or find a way to do it any way so it makes me wonder. Women do sometimes use their husbands as a “reason” for something they don’t want to do. Why she wouldn’t want to sleep with him though, is beyond me, so maybe it really is him. Maybe he doesn’t like the emotional things he sees going on with them either. She hasn’t come down to see HIM in months and they used to meet once a month, before I came on the scene and for a few months after.

Part of me felt bad for him for missing out on that opportunity, but at the same time I was relieved. I really didn’t want them to be together. To me she is the main threat to our relationship. I’d really kind of prefer she drop out of the picture all together but I’m not in a position to demand that since we are open and even if I was there is no guarantee. People are gonna do what they are gonna do, even if it means cheating, for a lot of folks. Might as well be up front and at least KNOW what the hell is going on instead of trying to cover things up.

So knowing that and due to my already full schedule I decided to opt out of spending time with either the married man or the affair guy. Not to mention because of time constraints either of those opportunities would have been short and maybe had to happen in the car, lol. I admit I am curious what the married guy could do during car sex though!! Haha I have a feeling he’d still make it pretty darn hot. When I mentioned the car thing to the Professor he was like “what, he’s too cheap to get a hotel?”

Yeah, he doesn’t like the other guys. :p The married guy, I think he could get a hotel but I know it’s more risky when you are married and you have to be careful not to let that stuff show up on statements where your spouse could see it. He’s told me before he has a separate account in another city that his wife doesn’t know about but he has to access it on a weekday and I hadn’t told him I was coming until the last minute. In any case, we didn’t meet. He called me on Sunday and I was too busy to answer the phone and didn’t call back because he’d said to make sure not to call or text unless he did first.

Oh and there is this little tidbit that has been freaking me out about Mr. Married guy lately. He is obsessed with the idea of getting me pregnant!! Now, he claims he would give me all kinds of money and let me live in his extra house and take care of everything, but he also asked me if I would be willing to give up the Professor for him, and all other guys. :/ I just don’t want to do THAT even as tempting as some of it sounds and trusting him to do what he says he will is a tad dubious at this point anyway. When I asked about his wife in all of this he said she wouldn’t ever have to find out. Yeaaaaah, I can’t see ANYTHING possibly going wrong there now, can you? :p

On that topic he told me recently that he came inside me the first time we had sex! WHAT. THE. FUCK? I am sure I would have been freaking out if I’d thought that was even remotely possible, so I don’t know if he’s telling the truth or what? He didn’t wear a condom, so it was pretty reckless in that regard but coming inside of me? Seriously? I’m pretty sure I saw where he came but could he have cum another time and I didn’t know??

As far as the condom is concerned, I had told him beforehand that I was assuming he’d wear one but it was dark enough in the room that I couldn’t tell for sure at first if he was or not! He’d been going down on me and making me cum a lot beforehand and when he first slid in I was thinking OMG, is he going bareback? Usually I hate the feel of condoms but sometimes they aren’t as noticeable, still it was feeling awfully good!! Well halfway through or so when I went down on him I could tell for sure. Too late now and the sex was so incredible I didn’t even comment. Dangerous, yes, but I was SURE he pulled out.

Yeah, he’s really pushing the envelope. He keeps saying how he wanted to get me pregnant. What is it with men?? My fwb LOVES to joke about that too and sometimes it’s hard to tell if he’s “joking” or seriously joking, if you know what I mean. HE always wears a condom but loves to freak me out by doing things like dipping it in a time or two before putting it on to see my reaction. Men…. I thought they were the ones supposed to be so paranoid about pregnancy. Sometimes I’m not so sure.

The guy I had the affair with, well, I have my suspicions about his current relationship status even though he claims to be single. Then again, he’s got the money so maybe he is just too cheap, at least for a short get together. He’s had me over to his house but it’s only during the day, on a weekday. Hmmmmm…. Ah well…

So anyway, I chose not to see them. Part of me was feeling a little bad for the Prof and not wanting him to hurt while I was off playing and his chance was ruined. I told you all I like him. :/ I think we both slept better that night knowing things were “safe” and we didn’t have to worry. I haven’t had a chance to see him yet since then (and am also on my period) but it will be interesting to see if the orgasming issue just disappears. I have a feeling it will.

4 thoughts on “Sometimes sharing sucks!

  1. As you’re learning, sharing is a lot easier said than done. It’s so hard to be in the situation you find yourself in, knowing that sharing – and being shared – is part of the deal… but your emotions are telling you to grab the Professor and head for the hills so you never have to share – or be shared.

    There is a logic to sharing – it’s just hard for most people to get their heads around it because we’re all taught that when we care deeply for someone, we’re to focus everything we are on that one person and to disregard any feelings/desires for anyone else. So, yeah, breaking away from the conventional thinking is a bitch and a half. You might think it impossible to have your cake and eat it, too, but it is very possible and quite doable IF you have the ability to unlearn all you’ve learned about love, sex, and relationships and then learn something very different.

    And it begins with both people getting on the same page with each other. It’s not as much about rules as it is a commitment to each other to make the best of their situation so that all the negative feelings that can crop up are either minimized or eliminated and understanding that if they do come up – and they probably will – they can’t be allowed to interfere with the shared vision the two of you have agreed upon.

    While any of this is about “me” and the things “I” want, I’ve found that it’s best when everyone is thinking “us” and what “we” can do together to allow us to grow as individuals and enhance the relationship we have. Sure, you’re not always gonna agree on what should be done or even who’s gonna get done… but when you’re open – and this is different than swinging – whatever choices you make at the individual level should always be respected even if there’s disagreement.

    Because if your partner (not your partner specifically) is doing someone else, well, that’s about him or her and what they want to do. And while that does have a bearing on what goes on between the two of you, well, rule number one in this should be and always is: Take care of home first. To do anything other than this defeats the purpose of the base relationship and usually leads to total and utter failure of said relationship.

    So, in many ways, logic – and not emotion – should be the driving force. You feel the way you do and he – the Prof – feels whatever way he does and this is good… but emotion should not be allowed to make any decisions in this without being tempered by good, sound logic. It doesn’t matter how you feel about the Prof or the other men in your life; what does matter – should matter – is whether or not what you’re doing and how you’re feeling makes sense intelligently – that logical progression that does exist but tends to escape most people trying to pull this off.

  2. Exactly and right now I’m still in the process of unlearning and relearning everything but I do understand a lot of the logic behind it and I think it makes sense. Still there are times when my emotions get the best of me and I wonder if I can handle it all. It’s a constant and sometimes slow going process.

    With the Professor and I not being an official “couple” I worry more about implying the “we” with things but I do think we are closer to being on the same page than we were before. I do really like him so much. 🙂 Even though we are both technically free agents we still do look out for one another.

  3. humm – I am going to be completely honest and logical here when I say the entry and the comment by the good Kdaddy have me a bit at odds with how poly is presented here.

    I suppose like most things I read, I am often left with more questions than answers, and your blog is always presented sincerely so naturally I keep reading. It is terribly brave of you to be so honest with your feelings but to say that poly is purely logical I would then have to ask what or how one defines love? Love is not logical, it is emotional, and poly is NOT if anything less than emotional bonds to many. Poly would be logical if one is trying to breed offspring…. poly isnt a puzzle where the pieces are all out there, and its up to you to find them, poly is more like cutting a puzzle up, defining the shapes and cuts than it is putting one together.

    In a way you part yourself up to more than one man or woman and in doing so create a complete picture – your partner does the same – and a big part of that picture is the other men and woman your partner is involved with (regardless of your contact with them).

    I am going to be devil’s advocate here because I am poly – and not entirely sure that is what is going on here….

    Are we saying here that poly is something that can be taught? That one must compromise?

    Are we saying that social values, principles/morals that we hold to define who we are must be untaught and new ones learned? That the ones yet to come are more virtuous than the ones we now hold?

    When/how do we distinguish putting ourselves through something, for someone else, because that is what they want, how they want things to be?

    How do we know someone is poly, simply because they say they are doesn’t mean they are?

    And to be so bold, I apologize, but when does one consider that poly is unrealistic because it goes against our nature – monogamy, as poly, is just natural to some and is not a bad thing – even if we love that person.

    I do not intend to stir a pot here but actually intend some discourse, because the idea or notion that one must ‘deal’ or get used to how things are going seem to be contrary to the very foundations of poly! Poly is security, respectful, it is love unbound, it is ever evolving and if none of those things exist to begin with wouldn’t logic then dictate it will not come with involving others?!

    Being single and poly is one thing.
    Being in a poly relationship, as a part of a couple is another.

    Should poly not be defined for yourself, you lifeofalovergirl, and not by the Prof or in relation to him? or is that too logical?

    to say the emotion is not a driving a force behind poly is just… I am feeling as though I have been offended (lol) because I desire and thrive on emotional bonds with my husband, my lovers because the ones I do not have emotions for are just sexual toys. Poly is not purely sexual to say otherwise is something else entirely.

    • Pyx, I have a really hard time with the concept of classifying some people as “poly” and others as “mono”. Reason being that I really think ALL people have the propensity to be poly, we’ve just covered it up with a lot of societal rules and expectations. We’ve, in effect, denied our natural tendencies in order to live the way we’ve been told we should.

      Don’t confuse this though with me believing that some people don’t feel a strong urge to be exclusive with the person we love. I think the vast majority of people probably do, but in their emotional state they don’t stop to logically realize that this feeling WILL PASS. I will say that my own tendency is to be fiercely loyal to one man at a time. HOWEVER, I realize that I will not feel this way forever. I’m thinking logically about my emotions because I know that it is really New Relationship Energy and not a permanent condition. When I fall in love I automatically start to shut others out emotionally and sexually. I have to think past that and push myself a bit to open up more. I do that in order to prevent getting hurt in the long run by both my partner’s and my eventual change of feelings.

      I hope that makes sense. I’m VERY emotional when I fall for someone. I just have to separate my head from my heart a little bit and say I feel this way NOW but I know it’s going to change (and it will).

      We have to realize that throughout history and all over the world people were not nearly as monogamous as we would like to believe. It really DOESN’T seem to be the natural state of the human condition. That’s why religions and the Bible had to constantly reiterate not to commit adultery, because it was happening a lot. People, even during the idealized times in our history were fucking around. Sometimes it was more under wraps than not and often times it was more men than women but that was due to oppression of females and the fact that they were spending a lot of time pregnant and caring for little ones. All the harsh penalties for adultery towards women didn’t come about because women are naturally faithful. Clearly we aren’t.

      I think human beings naturally get more monogamous for a few years but it’s more due to the biological imperative to be that way during pregnancy, birth and the first few years of life for a child. Eventually that seems to wear off (7 year itch?). In any case it’s something I think is worth actively fighting off if we are not actually having a baby in order to have an “open relationship”.

      Now, I do have relationships that are mostly just sexual and don’t have a lot of feelings involved. To me that is okay. Some think we have to love everyone we have sex with. While I may care for them as human beings and as a friend I don’t feel I have to be “in love” with them. I don’t discount the possibility that love could DEVELOP at any time, however.

      In any case, I don’t fit the mold of the “poly” person that is in love with a bunch of people. My heart tends to belong to one man at a time but I can move past that and share my body and sexual experiences with people I have more “friendly” feelings with or an emotional bond that is not the same as “being in love” or infatuation. I hope that makes it a little more clear? LOL

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