Archive | March 2013

Emotional and spiritual abuse, how it all began

brainwashing

I never wanted to be one of “those women” who talked bad about her husband. Saying negative things about your husband was crass, unsupportive, and reflected badly on your competence as a wife. This attitude and belief kept me silent for YEARS regarding the way my ex -husband was treating ME. I was afraid to tell anyone, and even now it is difficult for me to talk or write about.

I’m going to try though. Partly because writing about it helps ME. It helps me process the things I went through and helps me to understand what I never want to tolerate again. It also helps readers who maybe are going through or at some point experienced similar things. You all don’t know him so this gives me the opportunity to be REAL, to show his negative side without worrying that people will think I am just trying to make him look bad, post- divorce.

Gosh, even with saying all of that, this is difficult for me. It’s hard for me to write all this out without worrying that people will think I am “being a victim” or blaming someone else for my own failings. So please, recognize that in writing all this out I am not excusing my own part in my marriage, in staying, in accepting the behavior, or denying that I made a myriad of mistakes also. I’m not saying that my ex- husband doesn’t have any good qualities or that he is an evil, awful human being.

What I am trying to show, is that his treatment of ME, however mislead and from wherever he learned these beliefs and behaviors, was harmful. I was in denial for so long that even when the marriage counselors at the conservative Christian counseling we attended pointed out that his behavior was emotionally abusive, it was hard for me to admit. He was so passive so much of the time. How could anyone refer to him as “abusive”?

According to them, they felt I was accepting his treatment due to my own past, my childhood where I was never able to protect myself or stop the abuse. I failed to learn how to set boundaries, and instead became stuck in “learned helplessness”. While I could debate fervently on a topic or stand up for others when need be, when it came to myself I was frozen with inability.

I also just really didn’t know any better. I didn’t know or understand what a healthy relationship looked like, I’d never seen it modeled and only dreamed of some sort of “ideal”. I THOUGHT I was protecting myself when I got married. One of the big things I considered was the fact that he rarely seemed to raise his voice. I was so afraid of repeating the cycle of abuse in my family that I went to what seemed like the opposite end of the spectrum.

Someone who didn’t yell wouldn’t be like what I’d experienced at home, my mom crawling into my room at night on her hands and knees trying to get me to call the police due to my stepfather and his rages and physical abuse. Memories of hiding my siblings under the stairs in the basement to try and keep us all safe from the objects that were being hurled, the screaming, of trying to get the baby from my mother before seeing my stepfather punch her in the face (and in doing so hit a two week old baby) all drove me toward this very passive seeming man.

Little did I know that I was really marrying someone like my mother. Someone who appeared passive on the outside, but on the inside was a manipulative, selfish and cold individual. Recently, a therapist of mine referred to him as a “passive aggressive narcissist”. I’d never thought of those terms being used together. Narcissists, you’d think of being more outwardly cruel, but the more I’ve pondered it the more I’ve realized the label fits him quite well.

Since the divorce and moving away from him, I have felt a HUGE sense of relief. Even though on the daily I have struggles, an enormous weight was lifted off my shoulders when I got away. I could never go back. Never. I could never want to be with the man whose criticisms and moral ideas of what I “should” become turned me into a shell of the person I once was. To someone who was unsupportive, unloving and unkind and put ridiculously high expectations on me while systematically tearing down every attempt I made to please.

I wish I could say that the divorce ended it all but it hasn’t. He continues to passively aggressively sabotage things for me, even now. Now that he has a live in girlfriend, I have seen instances of him doing the EXACT SAME THINGS to her. It makes me feel sorry for her to a degree but at the same time there is relief that his abuses are directed elsewhere, off of me and hopefully away from our children.

I wish I could say that I was the only emotional target, that the children were left unscathed, but I can’t. His behavior towards them is upsetting on so many levels. Seeing the way he has mostly abandoned them hurts but sometimes I think it’s for the best. If he were more involved in their lives he’d have more chance to put them down, to tear apart their sense of self, to damage them beyond repair. I can only hope that his limited contact has less chance to affect them.

In any case, I feel kind of like I’ve escaped from a prison. Not only was there emotional abuse but much of it was of a spiritual nature. He used GOD to shame and put me down, to make me feel like it wasn’t really him but GOD that I was being accountable to. Not being well versed in religious things, and him being so Biblically “knowledgeable”, I took his interpretation of scripture to be correct. I listened to him because I had no grasp on the meaning of Christianity on my own. I’d never even been in a Christian church before meeting him, though I’d participated in some youth group activities with a very new age fellowship.

So, as embarrassing as this is to admit, I became brainwashed, not only through him but through teachings of the church, his religious family, by the people around me. I was so blind to this too. I thought I was doing the “right” thing in becoming a Christian. I believed him when he told me what an awful person I was for the things I’d done in the past and how I needed salvation from that.

It is especially embarrassing for ME to admit, having been taught by my father to always question authority. To never become a “sheep” that blindly followed the teachings of others. My father wouldn’t even attend my wedding, he was so upset about me marrying into this Christian family and he said and used the term that I was being “brainwashed”. I so wanted to prove him wrong and in a way that was my own form of rebellion. I was convinced that I was going to do “better” than anyone in my own family.

I was bound and determined to have this “perfect” life. To be the “perfect” wife and mother and it was very difficult for me to let go of that goal, to realize it was all a farce. So much of what I learned as a “Christian” was really about appearances, much less so about the heart. Sure they used a lot of language to convince others that this was NOT about that at all but the actions were much like what Jesus himself, in the Bible, was preaching against!

In any case I had high ideals. We were going to become missionaries. To me this meant HELPING other people and I wanted so much to feed the hungry, to bring relief to the hurting, to save people from living in misery, to brighten their lives in every little way we could. My ex would disagree with me though, that this was what it all meant. He said all of that was only secondary and the goal was to preach the gospel. That only when people believed and followed Christ would any of those other things begin to matter.

All this background and I haven’t even begun to tell you of the actual things my ex -husband did to chip away at my sense of self, at my purpose in life, at my competence as a wife and mother, at my relationships with my family, at my feelings and my value as a human being. I feel like I need all this explanation to let you see just HOW he managed to get me into a position where I would ACCEPT any of this. Where I thought it was my duty to listen and believe what he had to say about me, about what I and our lives were SUPPOSED to look like.

A short time after my divorce I read a book called Why Does He Do That? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men, by Lundy Bancroft. I know I’ve mentioned it on my blog before and really feel like it’s something every woman would do well to read, even if you are not dealing with an abusive man in your life. Heck, I didn’t even realize I would end up seeing my ex- husband all over the pages when I started. I was actually concerned about my relationship with the guy I had the affair with at the time. While he and I had our share of arguments, there was much less I could relate to him than my ex in that book.

I’m actually grateful I had an affair because it brought to light so much that I really needed to see. For over a year and a half I never mentioned to the guy I had an affair with what was going on in my marriage, until one day I finally broke down and told him I was “unhappy”. I still remember it because I was crying and in the bathtub text messaging him. I don’t even recall what had set me off at that particular moment but I know my ex-husband was outside the door and I could feel his condescending presence. I couldn’t even articulate to him what was happening at the moment, only that he wasn’t being physically abusive but that I was feeling unhappy. He demanded to know more, out of concern and I eventually spilled out some of the details of us not having sex and a few of the events that occurred, but most of his critical comments and hurtful behavior I never mentioned to anyone. In fact, I’ve blocked out a lot of it. It’s painful to think about.

I’ve debated even writing about this on my blog. I’m actually going to end here right now. Not to leave you all hanging but because this is a deep and difficult subject for me and I want to take a break after giving you a backdrop. Hopefully I’ll be able to expound further in another post.

Redefining love

If you are looking for good advice on how to be good in bed, as a woman, where do you go? As far as we seem to have come from Victorian “lie back and think of England” days, there really isn’t a lot out there that gives GOOD advice to women regarding what to do in the sack. I mean, we have Cosmo et al, but… well, try at your own risk.

I love this article by the way Cosmo’s Most Ridiculous Sex Tips. Really sheds some light on the ridiculousness of some of the “advice” out there given to women on how to improve their sex lives. Dip your boobs in edible body paint and make a masterpiece all over his body? Feed each other ice cream in the dark and lick it up? Give him a beer facial? Unless you have an extremely patient and forgiving significant other, please ladies, don’t try these at home!!

Here’s a truly embarrassing admission. Back in the day I actually read and TRIED a couple of sex tips I found in magazines like these, because, well, reading all that stuff made me feel like if I wasn’t doing weird shit in bed that guys would think I was BORING. Bad, bad idea. LOL Food and sex don’t mix well. Really, they don’t. Not to mention I nearly threw up once trying to give a guy a blow job with some sort of strawberry flavored lube. Yuck!! I want to taste his dick, not his dick covered with flavored lube. It’s gross, seriously.

Now ice cubes? Okay, maybe I’ll bend on that one. I once had a guy ask me to give him a blow job with ice cubes in my mouth because someone had done it to him at a massage parlor. He played college basketball and the coach took them there after they won a game (totally shady shit, I know, I know but clearly no one was complaining- makes you wonder!!). He seemed to like that a lot. 😉

Anyway, the advice in most of those magazines sucks! They always want you to be some kind of a dominatrix, taking control and doing things to him too. I don’t doubt that sometimes men like that but I’m not convinced it’s necessary, despite all the “real men” they quote saying otherwise.

Plus, it’s just NOT ME. I hate being the one to control things in bed. It turns me off and puts too much pressure on me to perform, to the point where I can’t orgasm or really EXPERIENCE the sex the way I want to. I’ve come to the realization that I just am very submissive in bed and it’s really OKAY to be that way. Some men even PREFER it and those are the ones I want to spend my time with. Sorry Cosmo, as far as your editors are concerned I suck in the sack, so I guess I won’t be fucking them, but the men I come across seem to enjoy me just fine.

I’m more than happy to do all kinds of things in the bedroom, and honestly pretty much anything he wants if I like him enough, but I don’t need to be mixing up all sorts of crazy shit to make him happy. Whip cream and chocolate sauce are better on ice cream than on each other’s genitals, which taste just fine on their own. Peanut butter, mangoes and tomato sauce? Oh Hell no! His bedroom is not a fucking restaurant! LOL

By the way, I think we can at least give Cosmo a little nod for helping me get married to my ex husband. I’m pretty sure I tried a few of their “tricks” on him in the beginning (hey, I WAS only 18 when we started dating, lol) and he seemed to enjoy them quite a bit. Maybe that’s part of why he mistook me for the dominatrix I am not. :/ I was playing a role to turn HIM on that wasn’t exciting to ME. Maybe I can thank them too, for the years I spent afterwards, expected to ride him into oblivion while he just lay there and got off and I didn’t. Yeah, that pretty much killed all my enthusiasm for being “on top”. :p

Anyhow, obviously it’s not all Cosmo’s fault, lol, but I do wish I’d had better advice in that regard. It’s hard for a woman to find! Even now in the days of Google, the sex advice for women isn’t much better.

Speaking of Google, there’s something else we females use it for nowadays and that’s advice about love and relationships. Men google that stuff too, don’t even try to hide it guys, lol, but women are still concerned with the age old question of “does he love me”? We may not be plucking flower petals and reciting it over and over “he loves me, he loves me not” but we still wonder and obsess over it, wanting a real answer. Only now, we do internet searches, not that it wields much better in the way of results.

Come on people, fess up. Have you ever done an internet search for something like “how to tell if he/she is falling in love with me?” I know I’m not the only one, and judging from the myriads of results, well, there are a lot of people who wonder that very thing.

The sad thing is that even with all there is out there on the web, there is very little good and true advice about how a person acts when they are IN LOVE. It’s all also hyper focused on monogamy and for the poly-tically inclined, well, you’re out of luck! Apparently you CAN’T be in love if you are even so much as LOOKING at other people and feeling attracted. The same is true if you are married and cheating on your spouse. Married men “never” can fall in love with the other woman, because well, marriage vows somehow prevent that. Sorry folks, and betrayed spouses out there, but this simply isn’t true, no matter how much you WANT it to be.

That piece of paper you sign, the wedding vows, the promises you make, the hopes you have for the future, none of that is a GUARANTEE of anything. It doesn’t lock down your spouse for life the way you want it to because we are all human beings, capable of deception, capable of getting turned on and attraction to someone else, capable of feelings and emotions that surprise us and capable of having sex with more than one person. Yes, in a lot of ways this sucks, but it is the truth.

Look it up on the internet and you’ll find all kinds of articles telling you that if a man loves you he will cease to have any interest in other females, he will automatically want to introduce you to all of his friends and family, he will buy you gifts and pledge his undying devotion, he will make a commitment to you and only you, he will drop everything going on in his life and want to spend every waking moment with you, if he “really” loves you. Otherwise, you’ve been played!

Sorry, but I don’t believe that at all. I’ve felt love for different people in my life and expressed it in different ways. I’m falling in love with the Professor but I can still have sex with other men. I don’t need to spend every moment with him because I’m at a point in my life where I like a little bit of space and so does he. We aren’t getting married and I think it’s fine and good for us to have separate interests and not even live together. I’m not jumping at the bit to introduce him to everyone I know yet (though he has met my grandmother and my kids). It’s okay, really. Love doesn’t have to fit in a little peghole that society wants to put it into.

All that said, even though he’s still interested in other women, he isn’t making a commitment to me and he isn’t dropping everything in his life to be with me and coming over during all his spare time, I don’t doubt that the Professor is feeling things for ME.

He does a lot of things for me that are clearly from the heart and what you wouldn’t do for just anyone. Like last night he came over here and brought me a new antenna for my tv that he had bought, just for me because he knew I wanted to be able to watch the NCAA tournament and couldn’t get the right channel. It was a wonderful surprise and he took the time to hook it all up and then went and stopped my toilet from running too! It had been messing up for a few days and the landlord hadn’t been able to come out. I never asked him to do those things he just offered. You’d have to be crazy to offer to fix someone’s toilet if you didn’t like them! LOL

I LOVE IT that he is so helpful and thoughtful and looks out for me. I could give a fuck less about the nonsense others think about how him wanting to continue sleeping with other people must mean he isn’t into ME. Sure there are times I have doubts but stuff like last night confirms what I already know. Emotions aren’t defined by logic. People can feel something for each other despite not acting in the way society says they should.

I felt very much the same way about the guy I had the affair with. Sure others would say oh, people in an affair never can “really” love each other or that if we did we would be wanting to get married, but that’s simply not true. Love comes in all different shades. We need to stop trying to put it in a box. Two people can have feelings for each other and it not look anything like it is “supposed to” from the outside.

I want to take a minute to give a little shout out and thanks to Kdaddy23 here for his great advice, in my blog comments, during the interview with him HERE and privately over email. He has a lot of experience and keeps reiterating to me that in order to do this I need to drop everything I ever learned about love and monogamy and RELEARN a whole new way to live. I’m seeing what he is saying, bit by bit and it’s quite eye opening! Thanks! I’m still a work in progress but it’s such an interesting road to be on. I think I’m really going to enjoy the journey. 😉

Sometimes sharing sucks!

sharing

Sharing someone you have feelings for is scary. It’s HARD knowing that person you care so much about is naked in bed with another person, maybe right now. It’s one thing to SAY you are theoretically “okay” with it and quite another to follow through with the experience of waiting while you know the person you’ve got it bad for is fucking another person and you have no idea or control over what is going on. Your imagination can run at full speed. Sometimes I wonder if I’m really cut out for this.

I’ve seen a lot of people online talk about having a polyamorous orientation and acting as though some people just ARE and some aren’t. I’m really not so sure. If that’s the case, I don’t think I would qualify. Not because I don’t enjoy sex with different people, I do, but because when I develop feelings for someone my very natural inclination is to be exclusive with them, especially emotionally.

In order for me to swing or have sex with someone else when I’m deep in the throes of emotions with someone is honestly kind of difficult. So why do I do it?

For me, right now, (and this is always subject to change) I push myself to continue with other men because I can see the consequences ahead if I DON’T. I guess you can say I’m taking a logical approach to it all, even though this isn’t a brand of logic everyone would understand! I may appear to an outsider to be jumping on every cock I can because I’m out of control insanely horny and while there is some truth to the being horny part (lol) it’s a lot more calculated than it appears.

I look at it like this. I am falling in love with the Professor. I see it, I feel it, I know it’s coming, though I’m not at the point where I flat out tell him that yet, and I suspect he feels the same way about me. I know though, that “in love” is a temporary feeling. I know it doesn’t last forever, really for much of anyone. I’m not arguing that you can’t love a person forever. I’ll love my kids and my siblings forever, but that “in love” romantic feeling is fleeting.

I adore the Professor. I like him more and more all the time and feel increasingly affectionate towards him. Right now a big part of me wants him ALL TO MYSELF. Especially, when I’m lying there in bed with him or sharing incredible one on one sex. I also just really like him as a person. He’s wonderful. He listens to me and is supportive and sweet and kindhearted. Like anyone else, he’s not perfect but I can respect him and love spending time with him. He treats me well, probably better than any guy ever has in my life and I love that. Did I mention he’s GREAT in bed??

However, there are a couple of things here. We STARTED this relationship as swingers. Well, we met on a swinger site and the second night we spent together was fucking a bunch of other people. When I met him I already had a few guys in my life that I’m not totally willing to let go. I’m not currently “in love” with any of them but there are reasons I might not want to completely shut them out, especially the married man and the guy I had the affair with.

Some of those reasons are a bit shallow. The married man? How could I ever say no to sex like that? I just CAN’T. If you’ve ever had just totally incredible, mind blowing sex with someone maybe you’ll understand. Even though it’s been quite a while since he and I have gotten together, I don’t know if I’m EVER willing to completely shut that out as a possibility. Seriously.

Don’t get me wrong, there are things I love so much about the sex with the Professor that in some ways it is even better.

Emotionally it is INCREDIBLE, and he gives me tons of orgasms as well, but my experiences with the married guy were so out of this world amazing that the temptation to engage in that again would be SO STRONG. Honestly I don’t know how I could ever stop having sex with the Professor either but at least this way if one of them drops out of my life forever I still have the other.

The guy I had the affair with, well, that goes a bit deeper. We really don’t even talk much now but just knowing he is THERE and knowing if I ever need him he probably still will be, means a lot. I hope and think he feels the same way. We even missed out on seeing each other recently and we could have when I was in town and that was okay, but I’m not ready to write him off. There are things he understands and gets about me that very few people do, due to our shared experiences and friends and family, where we grew up, our relationships with all these people and the times he has been in my life.

Recently when I was home visiting and my mom asked me for money, only to turn around and use it to buy cigars so she could make blunts to share with my siblings, getting high while I was downstairs watching all the kids. Well, not a lot of people would know how I felt at that moment but he would. I texted the Professor and his response was “that’s crazy!!” Maybe it is, but not in my world. It’s typical behavior from my mom and the affair guy knows and understands because he deals with the same sort of thing with his dad and siblings too and is in a similar position to me in that regard. I appreciate being able to talk to the Professor as well, but it’s nice to be understood sometimes and that aspect of my friendship with Mr. Affair is inexplicable. He was there and helped me realize that my marriage was emotionally abusive and that I needed to get out, he knew me when I was a teenager and he knows and gets where I’m coming from because he’s been there too.

My fuck buddy or my FWB I could give up if I needed to, but I don’t have to. The nice part about being “poly” is that you can keep the people in your life that you want and don’t have to shut them out just because of someone new. I’m sure the Professor feels the same way about this married woman in his life. I’d personally like her to be gone, but because of the nature of our relationship I don’t push him to get rid of her.

Then there is the fact that a big part of our relationship is BASED on doing things like going to swinger parties together and the possibility of meeting with others for sex. I can’t deny that I enjoy the excitement of it all! I look forward to new adventures and at least it’s not boring! I also love being able to be real with one another about our sexual activities and not having to hide the fact that we are sleeping with anyone else. I love that I can have sex with another guy and he will still want me. It’s a new dimension of feeling accepted.

Not to say that any of that is easy, for either one of us, because it isn’t. Recently when I slept with my fuck buddy the Professor had a hard time, even though he had been with another woman at a party not too long before that. For a while afterwards he feels upset and sometimes angry with me, though he knows and admits it isn’t logical and that they are just feelings. He said it really bothered him when I said I missed him soon after having had sex with someone else and he doesn’t like to hear that on the same day. The truth is I really DID miss him but I do see how it could be upsetting even if hearing that would mostly be REASSURING to ME were the roles reversed.

Sex with another man, believe it or not, sometimes has that effect on me. It actually makes me want to reconnect and be with the Professor MORE because he is my favorite and the only person I am currently emotionally attached to. Even during our first swinger party, when we were sleeping with a bunch of others, the highlight of the event, for me, was getting to be back in his arms, with him inside me, as the grand finale! Already, we seemed to have that emotional bond.

All that said though, we both have been struggling with the sharing thing. As I said, it’s HARD when you are so into someone. It’s easy to let your imagination run wild or to be affected by hurt feelings and fear of loss. While it’s easy to say I don’t want to be monogamous, the actual practice of sharing your favorite lover is a real challenge sometimes.

Like recently the Professor was travelling to the city near where the married woman lives for a tournament game. He had plans to meet with her and it was really stressing me out. I tried to keep it to myself and push it out of my mind as much as possible but it was still affecting me.

They were gonna see each other on Saturday night and Thursday I was coming over to his house to be together. I tried and tried not to think about it but I feel like the sex was affected. Even though HE was doing everything right as usual, I had a much harder time orgasming with him. I WANTED to, especially because there is that impetus to outdo the competition, but I was struggling. It’s like I couldn’t completely let go and be as vulnerable with him as I usually am. I needed to put up a wall to protect myself from the possibility of hurt when he was with her. :/

Now don’t get me wrong, I still came a handful of times, but I also “missed” several orgasms. It was like I’d build up to that point and just couldn’t let myself open up all the way with him. We didn’t even make as much eye contact as usual and I think a lot of it was me and fear of what was to come. I don’t know how much of it was apparent to him but he did comment afterwards that I wasn’t quite as loud as “usual”. :/ We still had a great time and connected and laying with him afterwards, his arms wrapped protectively around me, was comforting, but still that lingering fear.

So when he headed out of town and I had decided to go up and visit my family (actually not too far from where he was) that weekend as well, I think both of us were a bit worried. He asked me several times about my plans to meet up with other men and both the married man and the guy I had the affair with live up that way so were possibilities.

At first the married woman had planned to spend the night with him in the hotel and I was so on edge it was driving me nuts. Sex was one thing, but sleeping in his arms afterwards is another. It was a painful reminder that they have been emotionally and not just sexually involved and also that I don’t get to stay overnight with him that often due to my ex not taking the kids usually for more than a few hours at a time.

I felt like I was going to throw up. I kept trying to take my mind off of it, focusing on my trip and other things but it wasn’t easy at all. It was because of this that I even considered seeing the other guys because I would actually be pretty busy between visiting family and taking care of my children. I wanted to have something to look forward to and to ease my mind off what HE was doing. Flirting and talking to them and discussing the possibility helped a little bit.

Thankfully though, at the last moment the married woman’s husband decided to pull the plug on their rendezvous. She had told the Professor that he was “acting funny” about it and I guess he changed his mind. Funny thing is last time he didn’t want them to play either. I have to wonder what is going on there. Part of me thinks if she REALLY wanted to she could either convince him or find a way to do it any way so it makes me wonder. Women do sometimes use their husbands as a “reason” for something they don’t want to do. Why she wouldn’t want to sleep with him though, is beyond me, so maybe it really is him. Maybe he doesn’t like the emotional things he sees going on with them either. She hasn’t come down to see HIM in months and they used to meet once a month, before I came on the scene and for a few months after.

Part of me felt bad for him for missing out on that opportunity, but at the same time I was relieved. I really didn’t want them to be together. To me she is the main threat to our relationship. I’d really kind of prefer she drop out of the picture all together but I’m not in a position to demand that since we are open and even if I was there is no guarantee. People are gonna do what they are gonna do, even if it means cheating, for a lot of folks. Might as well be up front and at least KNOW what the hell is going on instead of trying to cover things up.

So knowing that and due to my already full schedule I decided to opt out of spending time with either the married man or the affair guy. Not to mention because of time constraints either of those opportunities would have been short and maybe had to happen in the car, lol. I admit I am curious what the married guy could do during car sex though!! Haha I have a feeling he’d still make it pretty darn hot. When I mentioned the car thing to the Professor he was like “what, he’s too cheap to get a hotel?”

Yeah, he doesn’t like the other guys. :p The married guy, I think he could get a hotel but I know it’s more risky when you are married and you have to be careful not to let that stuff show up on statements where your spouse could see it. He’s told me before he has a separate account in another city that his wife doesn’t know about but he has to access it on a weekday and I hadn’t told him I was coming until the last minute. In any case, we didn’t meet. He called me on Sunday and I was too busy to answer the phone and didn’t call back because he’d said to make sure not to call or text unless he did first.

Oh and there is this little tidbit that has been freaking me out about Mr. Married guy lately. He is obsessed with the idea of getting me pregnant!! Now, he claims he would give me all kinds of money and let me live in his extra house and take care of everything, but he also asked me if I would be willing to give up the Professor for him, and all other guys. :/ I just don’t want to do THAT even as tempting as some of it sounds and trusting him to do what he says he will is a tad dubious at this point anyway. When I asked about his wife in all of this he said she wouldn’t ever have to find out. Yeaaaaah, I can’t see ANYTHING possibly going wrong there now, can you? :p

On that topic he told me recently that he came inside me the first time we had sex! WHAT. THE. FUCK? I am sure I would have been freaking out if I’d thought that was even remotely possible, so I don’t know if he’s telling the truth or what? He didn’t wear a condom, so it was pretty reckless in that regard but coming inside of me? Seriously? I’m pretty sure I saw where he came but could he have cum another time and I didn’t know??

As far as the condom is concerned, I had told him beforehand that I was assuming he’d wear one but it was dark enough in the room that I couldn’t tell for sure at first if he was or not! He’d been going down on me and making me cum a lot beforehand and when he first slid in I was thinking OMG, is he going bareback? Usually I hate the feel of condoms but sometimes they aren’t as noticeable, still it was feeling awfully good!! Well halfway through or so when I went down on him I could tell for sure. Too late now and the sex was so incredible I didn’t even comment. Dangerous, yes, but I was SURE he pulled out.

Yeah, he’s really pushing the envelope. He keeps saying how he wanted to get me pregnant. What is it with men?? My fwb LOVES to joke about that too and sometimes it’s hard to tell if he’s “joking” or seriously joking, if you know what I mean. HE always wears a condom but loves to freak me out by doing things like dipping it in a time or two before putting it on to see my reaction. Men…. I thought they were the ones supposed to be so paranoid about pregnancy. Sometimes I’m not so sure.

The guy I had the affair with, well, I have my suspicions about his current relationship status even though he claims to be single. Then again, he’s got the money so maybe he is just too cheap, at least for a short get together. He’s had me over to his house but it’s only during the day, on a weekday. Hmmmmm…. Ah well…

So anyway, I chose not to see them. Part of me was feeling a little bad for the Prof and not wanting him to hurt while I was off playing and his chance was ruined. I told you all I like him. :/ I think we both slept better that night knowing things were “safe” and we didn’t have to worry. I haven’t had a chance to see him yet since then (and am also on my period) but it will be interesting to see if the orgasming issue just disappears. I have a feeling it will.

Good things come in 3’s….

very-inspiring

Yay!! My 3rd nomination for the Very Inspiring Blog Award. This one should be fun! Thank you so much to Speaking Out on Sex for the nomination. I love reading his blog and you should head over there too!

With the acceptance of this award I agree to state 7 facts about myself and to list 15 bloggers that you will find interesting, pinging back to a post of theirs, so they know I’m over here talking about them and that they have recieved the award. 😉 Of course I also display the beautiful award logo on my blog and link back to the awesome person that gave the award to ME. Thank you again Speaking Out On Sex!!

Okay, enough said, let’s get down to the best parts. 🙂 A little history trivia about me.

1. I was born at home to very hippy parents living in some sort of commune on the beach back in the mid 70’s. My parents were never married and from what I understand were basically just roommates/fuck buddies of some sort. My mom was 19 and planned to get an abortion, but my dad convinced her not to. They had no money but grew a garden with the other residents and lived off raw, vegan foods, with a little help from the Hare Krishna’s, who gave out free meals.

2. My grandparents on my father’s side were quite rich and somewhat famous. They lived in a mansion in Southern California. My dad, however, did not get along with them and completely rebelled, forfeiting his inheritance by growing his hair long, burning his draft card and throwing away his prestigious college education and baseball scholarship, in favor of becoming a beach bum. He didn’t believe in materialism, felt the public schools were for raising brainwashed sheep, detested Christianity and said marriage was just a piece of paper (though he did eventually get married he said he only signed the piece of paper because of reasons that my stepmom wanted, lol).

3. My grandmother on my mother’s side was a nudist. She spent her 50th birthday week at a nudist camp celebrating. She also used to practice white witchcraft and read the Tarot. When I was married my ex husband and I accidentally came across nude photos of her….with two men. They weren’t actually having sex in the pictures, but well, I can imagine what might have been going on, ha!

4. My mom is a drug addict and pretty hardcore. She’s tried to commit suicide twice and the first time the doctors said she was going to die but she didn’t. I’ve got a lot of resentment and anger towards her for this and some of her behavior in general. She was fired from a succession of nursing jobs for stealing hydrocodone and morphine from her patients and has been arrested and thrown in jail a few times for stealing. She’s quite the kleptomaniac. Somehow though, she always gets out of things. She doesn’t even bother to hire a lawyer and stands up in court and defends herself and the judge listens.

5. I was pretty badly physically, emotionally and mentally abused as a child, mostly by my stepfathers but I can’t discount my mother’s part in it all. Social services was called in when I was 7 due to my coming to school completely covered in bruises from being beaten so badly with a belt that I think I passed out. Like there wasn’t an inch on my body from the waist down (on the backside) that wasn’t bruised or welted. I had been feeling sick and couldn’t finish my dinner so I had wrapped some green beans and tomatoes in a napkin and thrown them in the trash and my stepfather found them. Anyhow that incident brought social workers into my home to try and help him learn how to discipline better but it didn’t really work. Even as bad as that was, the next stepfather was emotionally worse.

6. On a lighter note, we had a dog when I was little that rang the doorbell when he wanted to be let in the house. He was a German Shepherd that had been trained by my uncle.

7. I was homeschooled for a year of high school while living with my father and stepmother and didn’t follow any kind of curriculum but read a lot of great books and spent a lot of time at the beach. I think I learned more that year than all of my years of public schooling combined. I devoured book after book that I chose for myself as well as those my father and stepmother recommended. I read such works as The Brethren, Autobiography of a Yogi, The Autobiography of Malcom X, Hawaii by James Michener, as well as classics like Anna Karenina, several books by Charles Dickens, Hemingway, and Shakespeare, Moby Dick, 1984, Farenheit 451, Animal Farm, and I could go on all day. When I went back to public school the following year it was disappointing how painstaking my classic literature class really was and how they took the fun out of reading really good books by dissecting them to pieces.

Anyhow, now for my list of bloggers you will like!

1. Sex and the Shameless
2. An Open Book
3. Emarie24
4. Polysingleish
5. Two Ghosts
6. The Sexy Ferkel
7. Thoughts in My Mind
8. The Trials and Tribulations of Miss Poly
9. Slave Redefined
10. Postmodern Curious Man
11. The Southern MILF
12. Finding Mr. Wrong…. I Mean Mr. Right
13. Malibu Mom
14. Tell Me A Fable
15. Clean Cut, All American

Till later! Hope you all have a wonderful weekend!! 🙂

Once, twice, three times a Liebster Lady!!

Patty Liebster

I have been named the recipient of the Liebster award for both the 2nd and 3rd time! So exciting!! I am loving my newfound popularity here in Blogland!! Thank you, thank you to Fortysomethingsingleandskint and Confessions of an Online Dater!! Everyone should totally check out each of these blogs!! You will find them both quite intriguing and entertaining. 🙂 🙂 🙂

The rules of the Liebster Award are as follows:

■Thank the person who nominated you
■Answer the eleven questions they asked you
■Nominate eleven other people
■Ask them eleven questions in return

Ideally, the Liebster Award should be sent to blogs that are still fairly new and have less than 200 followers, to help others see how awesome they are!

Clearly people are acknowledging my awesomeness and I’m loving it!! 😉 I started blogging a little over 5 months ago and am currently nearing 150 followers. I am stoked that so many are interested in what I have to write about. You all are wonderful!! xoxoxoxo

Rather than answer all 22 questions, I’ve picked and chosen between the two sets and answered the eleven I thought my readers would most like to learn about me.

1. Do your ‘real life’ friends know about and/or read your blog?

Oh my Lord, I hope not!! Hahahaha If they do, I hope they don’t know it’s me, LMAO. Seriously though, there are probably a few who know who I am or have met me online only, but no one I’ve met in real life, unless anyone is reading that is keeping their mouth shut. I guess it wouldn’t be the end of the world, but I do talk openly about a lot of things that normally remain private in my life.

2. What’s your favourite movie and why?

Hmmm… I have such a hard time picking “favorites” of almost anything. If I had to pick movies that I love and would watch over and over and over it’s usually musicals. Grease! Phantom of the Opera. Annie. I don’t really watch a lot of movies honestly though, and when I do I’m usually picking something new. I did like The Curious Case of Benjamin Button quite a bit. Oh and of course Love and Basketball!! I found this foreign movie awhile back on Netflix that I was kind of fascinated with called Diary of a Nymphomaniac. It wasn’t the best made movie or anything but the idea behind it and some of the quotes from the grandma were quite interesting. Maybe I identified with it a bit (cough, cough) lol. 😉

3. What is your earliest childhood memory?

If you can believe this, my earliest childhood memory is laying in a crib chewing on the head of this little rubber giraffe that my mother claims we got rid of when I was about a year and a half. I have a few other early memories. My older stepbrothers taking my toys from me and making me cry on my 3rd birthday, riding the city bus by myself to preschool because we didn’t have a car (can you imagine that nowadays? LOL) The bus driver did kind of look out for me though.

My first stepfather attempting to wash my long hair, when my mom was gone, and doing it all wrong. I must have been 2 or 3 but he clearly had no clue and was making it into a tangled mess and I was in tears.

I remember being left home alone at 4 years old because we only had a motorcycle and my mom was too pregnant for me to fit when they went to doctor appointments. I guess we couldn’t afford a babysitter either. There was no food in the house so I ate an entire bottle of vitamin C and got pretty sick. That’s when they discovered I was allergic to the orange juice in them.

Oh and around that time this little neighbor boy locked himself in the house when my parents were gone. We actually lived on the top floor of an old, Victorian style house where people rented out rooms. There was no bathroom in our house and I had to walk down a long flight of stairs to get to the one on the second floor that was shared by several people. It was especially scary at night, past the big open front door. Anyhow, I had gone to the restroom and one of the boys who lived directly at the bottom of the stairs (two little black boys who were like 2 and 3 years old that I sometimes played with lived there with their crackhead mother) had went through our door and managed to lock himself in there and couldn’t get out. Boy was his mama MAD!

As you can see my childhood wasn’t exactly ideal. That place was infested with roaches and I remember running around talking to the various tenants that lived in the house. A group of men would sit out on the front porch smoking pot and I’d harass them with questions until they’d tell me my mother was calling for me. Downstairs in the basement was a lesbian couple and there was a hippy guy with long hair and a beard in one of the rooms that would sit there and play his guitar while I sat in the doorway and listened. Amazingly I don’t think anyone ever did anything to hurt me while we lived in that place though, despite my being allowed to pretty much run wild, being left alone, climbing out windows to play on the roof and talking to all the interesting characters who came to stay. A couple weeks after we moved out the entire place burned down to the ground due to some kind of fire hazard.

4. Describe your ideal home.

My ideal home would have a big, open kitchen with a nice sized island counter in the middle and lots of cabinets. There would be two ovens and two dishwashers and two refrigerators. I’d have a nice big formal dining room. It would have like 6 bedrooms and 3 bathrooms. The master bedroom would be completely soundproof. There would be a hot tub in the master bath and lots of closet space. I’d have a huge library. Downstairs would be a nice big rec room with soundproof, indestructible, soft walls that you’d just bounce off of if you banged into there would be all kinds of play equipment, trampolines and stuff to get my boys energy out on!! There would be a huge, privacy fenced backyard and a pool (of course!). Of course, there would be someone else to clean all this….

5. Do you believe in “happy ever after”?

Let’s just say I believe anyone can be “happily ever after” if they set their mind to be a happy person despite the circumstances! As far as eternally “happy” with one person forever? Hmmmm…. That’s debateable!! I used to believe that was possible and maybe for some people it is. I think it’s human nature though, to want what we DON’T have and too much time with the same person can drive anyone to boredom. So basically, you have to make your own happiness. You can’t depend on another person to do that for you and really, a little variety can be nice. So sure you can be happily ever after with that one person but it’s really not because of them, it’s because of YOU. Capisce?

6. Which do you prefer, summer or winter?

Summer!!! I hate cold!! I love sun!!! I love swimming and being out in the sunshine. Now here, the summers get pretty miserably hot and muggy, which I hate, but summer is still better than winter. Ideally I’d be able to actually get out and do fun stuff like go to a beach or waterpark, but hey, I’ll still take summer over winter any day. My favorite weather is about 85-90 degrees, slightly dry with a nice breeze. Ahhhhh….

7. What’s your worst fear?

Something bad happening to any of my children. Having them grow up to live an unhappy life.

8. What’s your greatest possession?

Actual possession? Haha. I really don’t have much at all in the way of possessions. My children of course but if you are talking objects, gosh, I think it’s a tossup between my cell phone and my sex toy. I don’t want to have to live without either one! Okay, maybe not. I value my photo albums above all that. Thing is, in the past few years all my photos are on flashdrives or the computer, or on my phone. Changes it up a bit! Back in the day I used to make scrapbooks, back when my oldest children were little. I kind of miss that and feel bad that I don’t have those for the younger ones.

9. What is your most embarrassing moment?

Ha! On my Beautiful Blogger award post I talk about the time I got caught masturbating by 3 neighbor boys. That was one of them. The other time that stands out was when I was in about 6th grade and was on my period and at school. I had raised my hand to ask to use the restroom and the teacher wouldn’t allow me to go and so it soaked through the back of the pad and my shorts. I managed to get a jacket to tie around my waist but not before some boys saw it and were laughing at me. Mortifying. A teacher of girls that age ought to have some basic consideration for things like that. Sheesh.

10. When is the last time you had sex?

Monday. Today is Friday so 4 days ago. It was with my fuck buddy. I saw the Professor the previous Thursday, so 4 days before that.

11. Name something you do when you’re alone that you wouldn’t do in front of others.

Hmmm….well, I guess there’s the obvious, masturbate! LOL Only I’ve done it in front of the Professor, but it was hard to orgasm with him watching or at least it was different. Still, I’ve done it on video for him for his birthday. 😉 Other than that, well, I’m not really one to cry in front of people. That is hard for me too. It’s pretty rare that I let someone see me cry. I generally have to go in another room or hang up the phone or something.

Alright folks, here are the blogs I nominate for the award this time!

1. Not Guilty by Reason of Menopause
2. What’s in the Box?
3. Let Love Go
4. Cotswoldsgirl
5. Sweaty Sweetie
6. Thatcrackedblack
7. Escort Memories
8. New Single Guy
9. Sex and the Sisters
10. I, Elle Tueff
11. Writedownthatblog

Finally, here are my questions to the bloggers I chose for this prestigious award! 🙂

1. What would you say is the main “point” of your blog?
2. Have you ever had sex in a unique place or someplace public? Tell us about it!
3. Name 3 songs that remind you of someone in your life or a relationship you’ve been in in the past.
4. What are your feelings about monogamy?
5. Five years ago, would you have pictured yourself where you are today, relationship wise? How have things changed or not changed in that time period?
6. What is something that is on your sexual bucket list?
7. Have you ever been caught in an awkward position or having sex with someone (or almost caught)? Tell us your story.
8. Do you have a “type” that you go for romantically or sexually? What is your “type” like?
9. How many times in your life have you been “in love” with someone?
10. Do your close friends know what your sex life is like? What kinds of things do they know about it?
11. How much do you like to talk/text/email/be in contact with someone you are in a relationship with?

Enjoy!! Until next time…… 😉