Pole dancing and picking up girlfriends


Meeting guys is easy. Dating sites, sex sites, Craigslist, bars, walking through the grocery store, you name it, there are all sorts of places to meet men. I tend to get hit on pretty frequently when I am out without my children, and sometimes when I have them with me. Not necessarily by anyone I WANT to be hit on by, lol, but whatever, it still boosts my ego.

Not that I am out very often sans kids. It’s quite rare, actually. They are mostly attached to my hip when I’m in public. So that hampers things a bit too. In the event that a guy talks to me with my kids standing there, I am much more reserved and unlikely to show interest. That hasn’t stopped a random guy from KISSING me in the grocery store parking lot awhile back (while my kids were in the van after he followed us out)and occasional men hounding for my number or simply talking and appearing interested. My 13 year old son sometimes points out his observations to me. “That guy likes you”. Yeah, HE can even tell, lol.

I’m not horrible looking or anything but I also don’t look like a supermodel. I think the reason I get hit on a lot probably has more to do with the fact that I smile a lot and maybe look “approachable”. I’m generally polite and friendly to strangers. Sometimes guys take this to mean more than it actually does.

One of my sisters, who is quite attractive, claims men rarely talk to her. I think in her case it has more to do with the fact that she appears “closed” and brushes people off. She’s not as open and warm. If I didn’t know her I wouldn’t talk to her either. I’d be afraid she’d tell me off, lol.

In any case, I find meeting men to basically be a piece of cake. If I want to go on a date, I just go glance through the zillions of emails I have on Plenty of Fish or OkCupid and pick a few to respond to on a night I have free. Usually at least one will ask me out right then. OR I throw out a Craigslist ad and generally get several responses before they flag and take it down. Then there’s the swinger site and an occasional option there that seems interesting. That doesn’t always wield great results, but hey it’s easy to at least find a guy who wants to meet.

They’re everywhere, even if the ones I genuinely LIKE and have good chemistry with are fewer and farther between. I’ve heard the statistic somewhere that there are 500 men for every woman on online dating sites! I don’t know if that’s actually the case but there are definitely a lot of fish in the sea, whether they are good catches or not. Of course, I also have a few men in my life that I like and have available for sex already, even though they don’t all live close by. So generally, guys are easy.

Now WOMEN on the other hand, are really difficult. I’m not even talking about for sex. Men complain about that I know, but I’m just talking friendship. It’s really hard for me to meet female friends. Ladies, you know how we are. Often cliquish and reluctant to let a new woman into the fold.

Don’t get me wrong, I have women friends that I’ve known since childhood and I have sisters. They all live far away, though it’s great to talk on the phone and have an occasional visit. The women I know around here are mostly people I knew during the years I was married to a man in ministry. So that means they are hardcore Conservative Christians. Most of them are married. I’m the odd woman out.

Anyway, despite the male attention, I really MISS having some girlfriends to hang out with! When the Professor goes on his guys nights out (he plays poker with some guy friends once in a while and not too long ago took a road trip to watch a football game, stuff like that), I’m happy for him but it also makes me wish even more that I had some female company as well. The problem is where to find some!

I’m not really in a position to go out often without my children. I used to be in MOPS (Mothers of Preschoolers) and met a lot of women there but it also has that Christian focus. Lovely ladies and we had fun but they aren’t women I can let down with and enjoy a glass of wine or more adult activities. I also felt that pressure to put on a certain “face” and be that perfect wife and mother around them. When I got divorced I felt a little bit ostracized. The same was very much true for my experience with women in the church. Suddenly my “friends” weren’t so “friendly” anymore, now that I am divorced. That was a part of why we dipped out of church and all its accompanying fakeness.

Shortly after my divorce I wanted to meet some other single females to hang out with that were more my speed so I tried a local Meetup group. I met with a couple of ladies for drinks and it was fairly nice but they were all married and a bit boring. Still I would have gone out with them again if my ex- husband’s schedule hadn’t changed to where he wasn’t taking the children in the evenings. Due to that I was unable to attend meetings for quite a while and they dropped me from the list. 😦 Finding and affording childcare for me to have time to go out is generally difficult.

Anyway, the last time the Professor had a men’s poker night and was sending me pics of the guys playing and stuff I told him I really wished I had a way to meet some other women and he had a great (and obvious- duh!) idea! He said what about at the gym? I was like I never talk to women at the gym, we are mostly just on our own machines working out with headphones on. He said what about taking a class?

The wheels started turning, how could I not have thought about that?? I work out daily anyway and have a membership at the YMCA. There is free childcare there and plenty of classes offered. I’d seen some aerobic dance classes going on a while back and even seen friends of mine post stuff on Facebook about Zumba, which totally sounded like my cup of tea! I love doing dance style workouts at home.

I immediately went down and got a schedule and they offer Crossfit and Zumba and Pilates and a few other different classes. The Zumba classes are offered in the evenings at a time that would be great for me and you don’t have to sign up but just show up whenever you want to come. PERFECT! 🙂 I went to three classes last week and really enjoyed it. Decent music and the moves are fun and easy to follow. The women seemed nice though the instructor one of the days and another woman were going on about a great worship service at church, so yeah, more church ladies but maybe not everyone.

Anyhow, the Professor made another comment about me liking my pole dancing experience at the last swinger party and he wondered if they offered classes about that. Of course the Y here doesn’t. They have classes that only play Contemporary Christian music though. Gagging here, that is like the worst music ever. I can’t STAND Contemporary Christian music, even all those years in church. I’d much rather listen to gospel or hymns or praise and worship music than Contemporary Christian, it just SUCKS, lol. It all sounds the same and is just horrible. One of the reasons I was turned off by one guy I had sex with a couple of times was because he insisted on blasting this horrible sounding music by Creed in the car when he was driving and telling me how great it was. YUCK!! How can anyone listen to that shit? But I digress…

So anyway, I decided to look online for pole dancing classes in this area. At first I couldn’t find anything and thought it was a hopeless search. THEN I finally came across a place a few miles out of town that offers some pole dancing classes that are a combination of that with belly dancing, yoga, pilates and some other stuff. The whole place sounded really hippy and New Age, but kind of intriguing. They were very mysterious as to what they actually do there, only women are allowed and it’s way out in the middle of nowhere on some kind of renovated farm down a dirt road. The descriptions were very mystical.

The intro class was only $25. I had to try it, to see what this place was all about. Since my ex hadn’t taken the kids the previous weekend I had a reason to ask him to take them during the week too so I made an appointment.

Last night I dropped off the children and drove for about thirty minutes in the sleet down dark country roads looking for this place. I finally found it. There were some sort of creepy decorations on the gate and I drove down a long gravel drive to park outside the building where it would be held. Honestly I was feeling slightly afraid. Like, are these actually serial killers? Why is it way out in the middle of nowhere, why are they so secretive about what they do and why is it only women? It was dark and raining ice and that didn’t help. However, when I pulled up there was another woman arriving at the same time who had never been there before. We weren’t sure if we were even in the right spot because there were several buildings but decided to walk up the stone path to what looked like a remodeled cabin or garage of some sort.

Walking through the door we were greeted by a receptionist in a very relaxing, spa-like atmosphere and asked to fill out some forms. We joined two other girls who were doing the same, on some nice comfortable couches. On the wall were nude paintings of men and women dancing and sitting on park benches. I picked up what looked like a mint out of a bowl on the front desk, unwrapped it and popped it in my mouth. It tasted like some sort of organic horehound candy and was spicy too. Blech…

The papers I filled out were at first basic and then I had to sign some interesting forms promising not to share the secrets of what I did and learned there. So I have to be a bit vague, even with you all, sorry! I could hear the strains of “Dirty Diana” playing in the adjoining room before seeing the women in the previous class leave. Like us, there were only about 4 of them, one older woman maybe in her early 40’s and a few twenty- somethings.

The women in my class were in their early and late twenties or so, other than me, but I didn’t feel out of place. The instructor was older than me and the website made sure to assure us that all body types and ages were more than welcome. A few of us needed to use the restroom, so we had to leave the building and walk through the cold, wet weather into an adjoining building, past screaming cats in a garage and into what appeared to be someone’s house and laundry room. The mirror in the restroom was completely covered with little notes saying things like “you are a Goddess” and “your body is beautiful”.

We returned to the main building. Once we got signed in we were asked to leave our coats and purses and shoes in cubby holes and were taken into a darkened room with a few stripper poles and sat down on mats on the floor. The instructor was joined by the woman who was behind the desk.

The room and the atmosphere, I can only describe as very unique, yet inviting and warm and relaxing. There was a fake gas fireplace and dim red and yellow lanterns adorned the ceiling. No mirrors, any windows were completely covered with very dark curtains. It was sort of like being in a cave and had this Wiccan or Pagan “feel” to it. It reminded me a bit of when I was a kid and my grandmother used to take me to a hippy Sufi “church”, where we would light candles and chant.

We went around the room giving brief introductions and backgrounds. One woman had been in the military and wanted to get more in touch with her feminine side. The other two had previous experience in dance (not the erotic kind) and wanted to regain their skill in some way and learn something new. Me, I simply cited curiousity.

Anyhow, what transpired after that, I can’t really describe. We did a lot of relaxing exercises set to music that put you in a somewhat trancelike state, but it was both sexy and a bit like meditation. I actually enjoyed it quite a bit. It was nice to let go of all the stress of the week and get lost in this new experience.

Then we got to work learning some sexy stances and exercises and trying a new trick on the poles. They had a couple of regular poles and a spinning one as well. It was amazingly easy to me (though they said they don’t start out with the “easy” moves necessarily) but also fun. I got compliments from the instructors on my gracefulness and ease and the way my long hair looked spinning around on the pole. No one said anything negative to anyone. One woman (the military girl) struggled with a bit of awkwardness but was only given encouragement and helpful tips. There was a lot of cheering on and positive reinforcement.

Afterwards we sat on a soft couch together and watched as the instructors did a demo of what we would learn if we take the regular course. It was mesmerizing, entrancing and something I would definitely like to try! I’m waiting for a little bit of tax money to come in and then pretty sure I will enroll in a short course. It’s really not too expensive and I think it will be a lot of fun. They offer courses at several different times. I think it’ll be awesome, relaxing, a bit empowering and maybe I’ll get to meet new friends too, not to mention learn a few skills that I may get a chance to show off at some point, like at one of the swinger parties. They almost always have a stripper pole standing around somewhere.

Between that and Zumba I at least have a running start in meeting new girlfriends. Women can be hard to get to know sometimes and I realize that in general around here I don’t fit in. I actually feel kinda bad because back when I first got divorced I remember a woman emailing me on OkCupid saying she was really just looking for friendship and didn’t know where to start. I didn’t email her back because at that time she seemed needy and I had a lot on my plate plus it seemed a little odd, but maybe she was just someone like me, who didn’t know where to find other women to relate to! Hopefully things worked out for her and soon will for me as well. 🙂

9 thoughts on “Pole dancing and picking up girlfriends

  1. The exercise studio you describe sounds so much like this place: xxxxxxxxx. I’ve never been, but know of it in a professional/business context. It would be such a small world if you were talking about it!

    I find your blog interesting. I relate to wanting to expand my friend base and finding it difficult. I have never been married and do not have children, and while I love my friends from high school and college dearly, they are all married with children or live far away. It’s not as easy to make quick friendships with women whom I share common interests with in my early 30’s.

    On the other hand, I don’t relate to your sexual experiences, and don’t relate to the desire to have sex with random men. I’ve had little sexual experience; I find it fascinating on some level that you can be so open sexually with little or no guilt or fear.

  2. Hey Rebekah 🙂 You are exactly right about the place! Too funny!! I edited out the link for reasons of privacy. I like to keep my identity somewhat anonymous on here since I post a lot of private stuff about my life. But yes, we are probably neighbors ;). I really enjoyed it there, you should check it out!

    As for the sexual experiences, I think that coming to this point has definitely been a progression for me. There were times in my life (like when I was married and for the first 10 years) that I was as hardcore monogomous as it gets. I still prefer to have sex with men that I have some sort of connection with, which is why I mostly keep the same guys in my life. Still I have become more open to new experiences, like swinging, in recent years.

    If I have fear and guilt it’s more a fear of what other people think or how they will treat me than fear of the sex itself. To me that is more fun. I don’t mean to come across as totally fearless or anything, lol. As far as guilt, not so much at this point in my life, because I don’t feel I am doing anything wrong since I am open about it with the men I am involved with. There are definitely things I’ve done in the past that I have some guilt over though.

  3. Wow, what are the chances??? I’m glad you edited it out! Not sure I’m prepared for those classes, but it does sound like a creative way to exercise. 🙂

    I wish you much success on your quest for female friendships! Reading about the lady on OK Cupid who wrote to you makes me laugh. I’ve totally thought about doing that before but always felt weird about it! It would be nice if there was a site for making friendships, networking socially (maybe something like Facebook for people who aren’t friends already), etc.

  4. I know right?! Makes me wonder if it’s the only one of it’s kind out there. Hmmm…

    That’s not a bad idea at all! They could call it “Friend Finder” instead of something like “Adult Friend Finder” lol, and specify that it’s for finding platonic relationships with people who have similar interests. You could look “within 20 miles” or whatever just like on dating sites. People could list their interests and get “matches” like they do on OKCupid with “84%” match or whatever, maybe even answer quizzes and questions. They might have to do separate sites that were “women only” or “men only” to keep it from becoming a dating site. Ha! Someone should start something like that! It might be a potential money maker! There are a lot of people in the internet age who have a hard time meeting friends and lots of us develop online friendships but usually there’s nothing for finding someone CLOSE by that you can actually hang out with.

  5. Do you find that the guys who hit on you online or when you’re out are really similar personality wise, that is that they’re all really outgoing, say? And that guys who are introverted or shyer don’t approach you in those situations? I’m guessing outgoing guys make themselves a lot easier to get to know.

    How do you like for guys to hit on you when you’re out? just curious

    • Hmmm…interesting question Kurt. Actually, I’ve had different approaches, awkward guys who stuttered over asking me for a date and you could tell were very nervous and the guys that come on really aggressively or make jokes or whatever. I even had a guy slip me a note awhile back at the library, lol, like in elementary school! Haha Then there’s the guys that tell you you look like an angel or are beautiful or whatever. Some are smoother than others.

      As for what I like, I’d have to say I like it when a guy approaches me very confidently and direct in a flirty way, if that makes sense. I like when he’s not gonna take it too personally if I say no too and is just having fun with it. I really hate to hurt anyone’s feelings and also don’t want to feel responsible for making them feel bad. So a lighthearted, easygoing, confident and direct attitude is great.

      My other thing is I hate when there are a ton of people watching when a guy approaches me. Like one guy was telling me how gorgeous I looked in line at the gas station and there were a bunch of people staring and it just made me really uncomfortable. So I’d rather he talk to me when there aren’t a million people LOOKING at us, lol. Seems it would be less awkward for everyone involved.

      Personally I prefer when a guy takes my number than when he asks me to contact him. I’m way unlikely to do that for fear of seeming to forward even if I like the guy. If a guy is being friendly and talking and is like hey you know what we should get together sometime and takes my number that is pretty simple.

      Online its even more of a mixed bag. I mean on dating sites you have guys straight up asking for sex and those who just say hi and that’s it and ones who write 10 paragraphs about why you would be compatible. It just depends.

  6. That class sounds like fun! And I think it is awesome that you realized that maybe you needed some good girlfriends and then went out and tried to get involved in something new! I tend to be a sitter. I get an idea, but then sit on it forever. But you are right that it is much harder for girls to make friends, than it is for guys. AND…if you are halfway decent looking or thin, then not many girls seem to want to add you to their “group”.

    I think for me, Im just sort of a loner. I have one best friend here, and then 2 other “better” friends, who I would consider doing things with. My other “BFF” lives 2 hours away. And I tend to gravitate toward girls who do not have a sister, and who are a little bit younger than me. I noticed that awhile back, and I think it’s because I DO have a younger sister with whom I am very close, and consider my “true” best friend. There is a loyalty there, with it being family, that makes me not really need a bunch of friends around to feel safe or complete. I can go to my sister and my mom for and with ANYTHING….and so the need for support from other females, just doesn’t seem to be as great for me. Although I do think having friends, is important and even healthy.

    I think the 2 girls that I am closest with like me, b/c they know I’m loyal, they have no sisters and since they are a little younger, I am almost like the older sister they never had. Then I have female “friends” who are more like acquaintances, that I might get together with if someone has a party or something. But overall, I don’t really like the responsibility that comes with maintaing 30 close friendships. Since I am still married, there are ALOT of family and couple type things that go on around here. I don’t do that anymore since I cannot stand to be around my husband, so it’s actually nice to not have to go fake it around a bunch of people I don’t really know or like all that well.

    And that’s another thing. So many of the “wives” around here seem to be in some kind of a competition with each other as to who can get the most friends and who can have the most active social calendar. It drives me NUTS! Why would I want to be around a bunch of people I don’t know, and possibly don’t even like, just to be able to say I was at some event ,or that I was invited? Maybe I’m just a bitch? LOL! But seriously, the girls I am closest with are easy going, laid back, and can deal with me disappearing for awhile when I feel like I need to just be left alone. The other friends I’ve had, have always put too much pressure on me to always be doing something.

    Anyway, finding girl friends is definitely harder for us, than it is for guys to find a dude to hang out with.

    And I have to add another comment, and ask a question, based on your comment from Greg. Why do you think that you get hit on so much? I’m serious? Where do you live that people feel comfortable enough to approach you in all the places you get approached? I mean, I go places with my kids, sure….and I don’t wear my ring anymore, but no one ever talks to me or hits on me or asks for my number? And I go to the gas station and other places alone, and no one ever hits on me there? And I am not even asking because I want to get hit on! I am just curious? I mean, if I walk into a bar or restaurant in a social setting, I am going to turn heads and eventually, guys will come up and talk to me or “hit on” me. But in everyday life, I have never, ever had someone just out of the blue, ask me out. You must give off some kind of something that men cannot resist! I wonder if I don’t pay attention or if I look to busy or if I just look unapproachable? But I am sure that at times, when you’re with your kids or running errands, that you look busy too?

    Sorry for the weirdo question! LOL! I really am not on the market or looking, but I do find it fascinating that guys just stop you and kiss you and approach you so often! I guess it gives me hope for when I am single, that maybe I won’t have a hard time meeting someone, when I am ready to date again!

    Need another post from you soon! I love reading your blog!

    • You know, when I was married I didn’t feel the need to have as many girlfriends either and sometimes felt annoyed when other moms seemed to want to take up my time because I had a lot on my plate with not only caring for the kids but a husband. Still at that time I had a sister in law that I hung out with frequently with our children and MOPS and church friends. Now I’d really just like a couple women to “hang out” with once in awhile and do girl stuff, lol. I guess I just miss that. My sisters are too far away and my friends that I’ve had forever are the same.

      I do have to remember that sometimes female friendships can be really superficial though. A lot of times we don’t even tell each other the real stuff, like about our sex lives! So many of my girlfriends throughout the years, even those I was really close to and my sisters don’t know the whole of it. They just hear tidbits here and there. I saw one of those ecard quotes on Facebook recently that said “Don’t try to understand women. Women understand women, that’s why they hate each other”. Yeah, women can be sooo competitive, manipulative, and FAKE. UGH. I hate that too. Thanks for reminding me, ha! Maybe I’m not missing out on too much after all…. Really though, I just want to hang out occasionally and have fun not have to do a lot of “work” as far as maintaining a deep friendship.

      Getting hit on…. you know it always amazes me when women say that doesn’t happen to them, lol. I’m like really? I think I must just seem really approachable? I live in the redneck Bible Belt, haha. Its a smallish city. A lot of the people around here are pretty unattractive or overweight and I think I stand out as slightly “different” in regards to looks. I get asked a lot if I am from another country but I’m not, which kills me, lol. So maybe I seem “exotic”, haha, though I don’t think I am at all.

      I will say that 8/10 times I’m getting approached by black or Latino men and there aren’t that many of them around here, which is interesting. I haven’t decided if they are just more aggressive about it or if I’m giving off some kind of a vibe that seems more open to being approached by them than the average country gal. I also have a profile on a couple dating sites and I swear every guy in the vicinity has seen it! LOL I have met some guys in person who recognized me from there and also some have emailed and said they saw me in person. So maybe every guy here is lurking on the dating sites and then they see me in public and think “single” too.

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