I am absolutely thrilled to be able to bring a special guest to my blog today! Kdaddy23 has a very intriguing blog and after casually mentioning his 30 year involvement with 3 different women in comments on an earlier post of mine, I just HAD to learn more!! It’s not often that those of us starting out on the Polyamory journey have opportunity to speak with someone with such vast experience in this lifestyle.
I am enthralled with his background. Not only does he have this kind of experience in relationships with women but he is bisexual and his blog often details his rendezvous with men as well. I am fascinated to read his candid comments on a topic that is so often taboo and I am sure you will be also! Make sure you check out his blog!! It is always thought provoking!!
I asked the questions that first came to mind and most interested ME, but feel free to add your own as well down in the comments section as I am sure he will be reading and willing to expound further! I am so glad he agreed to share with us about what it was like having his own personal harem for so long! So without further ado, I present to you my email interview with Kdaddy 23.
I understand you had a polyamorous situation involving 3 different women that lasted 30 years. Wow! That’s incredible, encouraging and I am sure a lot of us who are just venturing into polyamory for the first time could learn from your experiences.
So first things first, how did it all begin?
We had been in an open relationship for many years, playing with others together and doing our own thing separately. She introduced me to the woman I’ll call “poly wife#1,” who was having major issues with a live-in boyfriend and a couple of lovers and to the point where we felt we had no choice but to take her into our home.
Whose idea was this?
It was my wife’s idea. She said, “I need you do to me a favor.” I said, “Okay, what do you need?” She said, “I want you to go downstairs and make love to S.” I said, “Are you serious?” She said, “What, you afraid you can’t handle it?” I went to S, told her why I was there, and we made love; the next day, the poly triad was formed despite my misgivings.
How eager were all the parties involved to take part?
Well, let’s see; my wife was eager to do this because, later, I learned that she was very much in love with poly wife#1; #1 was suspicious but eager; I was worried because I could already see the problems that would happen… but I was challenged and I’ve never backed down from any ‘insult’ to my masculinity.
Did you all live together?
Three of us lived together; “poly wife #2” lived a couple of hours away.
Was everyone having sex with everyone else?
Well, not at first; poly wife #1 really objected to poly wife #2 being added but the two of them had a long, private talk “about some things” that resulted in me being in bed with all three of them (and getting kicked out of the room for an hour while they played with each other). What makes this interesting, at least to me, was that I knew my wife was bisexual – but the other two women weren’t… but that didn’t last long.
Did you have a hierarchy (such as a primary, secondary, etc)?
Since I was tasked to manage all of this, I discarded the idea of an hierarchy; to me, that led to favoritism so it was easier to deal with all of them as if I were actually married to all of them (which I wasn’t).
Were the women involved also involved with other men or women outside of your little group? How about you?
The quartet was closed; being the only guy, I would often suggest that we find and add another guy, something the three of them summarily vetoed so they weren’t involved with other guys and the only thing I did outside of the quartet was having sex with guys occasionally; all three of them knew I’m bisexual.
Do you have children? Were they all from the same woman? How much did they know or understand of your polyamorous involvement or were they unaware?
My wife and I had three children together; poly wife #1 had three; poly wife #2 had no children. Explaining this to the kids was really hard to do and we had to tell all six of them – how do you hide something like this? As adults, my three told me that, at first, they very much objected to the whole idea but later realized that it really did make all of our lives better. Poly wife #1’s boys were actually happy about it because it put a man in their lives who was dedicated to helping them grow up right and, yeah, the six of them got along quite well.
Was there a lot of competition or jealousy? How did you handle it?
My biggest problem, other than trying to keep up with the sexual drives of three very different (but oddly similar) women was dealing with the jealousy and their competitive natures. I tried, on many occasions, to point out to them that the animosity that came up was insane because they were all having a relationship with the same guy. I think that realization finally hit home and the early bickering was cut down to a dull roar but never really eliminated.
Were others around you aware of your polyamorous arrangement? How did they react?
Again, how do you hide something like this? Our families found out and they just kinda rolled their eyes and hoped like hell we knew what we were doing. Our friends, well, they were amazed at first – but they accepted it easily enough, which really surprised me. You have no idea how many times they’d ask me, “How’s the harem doing?” Of course, all the guys were jealous of me while the women kind of generally said that I must be one hell of a guy to do something like this and keep the women happy and smiling 90% of the time.
Do you have any interesting stories to tell about daily life or about issues that came up?
Our daily lives from day one was an interesting story. We all worked, dealt with the kids and the usual stuff a monogamous couple would deal with – just expanded. The short version of all of this was there was never, ever, a dull moment… but it wasn’t always fun and games either. What made it interesting – especially with the kids – is that my family is Black, poly wife #2 is Black, poly wife #1 and her kids were white so you can image the looks we got when her kids introduced me as their father, right?
What finally brought about the end of it all?
What ended it all had nothing to do with the relationship directly except that things were starting to decay in the quartet and I felt that the end was near. I was forced to retire from my job but in the process of hooking up another one, I had a stroke; for me, it became a matter of survival and leaving my life in the hands of the two women who lived with me and knowing things had broken down so much that they’d never be able to care for me – so it was time to go and, yeah, I wish it hadn’t happened… but it had to.
Would you recommend this lifestyle to other men and women?
Actually, I would not recommend this to anyone because I learned so much more about love, sex, and relationships living like this; it is horribly difficult and stressful and more so when things get out of kilter – and you can count on that happening because it is so very hard to discard the rules of monogamy when you’re anything but. In my blogs about this, I always say that you have to be some really special people to engage in this type of relationship.
If you could do it all over again, is there anything you would change or do differently?
God, there are so many things I would change that I can’t begin to mention them all. Even now, I think about what I could have – and should have – done differently in all of this because I still feel that when things started to deteriorate, I failed to hold it all together… but I also realize that it wasn’t all my fault. I wanted things to run in a way that would make and keep us all happily together until death did us part but the wife and poly wife#1 had other ideas – poly wife#2 was on my side about what should be done and all that but the other two had their own, separate agendas and were stubborn enough that we could never convince them that doing things their way was going to be very bad for the relationship. But, yeah, if I could, I would do it all over again because being monogamous is too limiting a thing to be engaged in.
What advice do you have for people just starting out in a polyamorous lifestyle?
My advice would be to remember to love each other but to also shed monogamous ways and all the negative emotions that come with this: THEY WILL NOT WORK HERE! Have a solid plan in place to manage all aspects of the relationship – this really isn’t all about the sex that can be had. Deal with anyone in the poly relationship as the individual they are – but, again, manage the relationship and keep everyone involved and informed. Be open, communicate until you want to throw up and be honest about feelings, motives, intentions, etc. Don’t discard growth; while a closed poly relationship provides a great deal of security and other things, at some point, you’re going to outgrow the box you’ve put yourself into so logic demands growth and inclusion of others to continue the dream and the goals set of loving each other, even if you’re not all living together