Are we done yet?

bad in bed

Bad sex, now here’s something I’ve had a lot of experience with!! I love this blog post by snarkysnatch. It’s amazing how often those romps in the sack turn out to be more than a little disappointing. I can’t even count the amount of times I’ve been there wondering when it will be over with!! No wonder I rarely complained about my ex- husband only lasting 3 minutes each time. It was like sheesh, at least that’s all I have to endure of THIS. I wonder when he’ll be done so I can go pretend to clean up and masturbate in the shower?

Seriously though, whether it’s due to bad chemistry or bad technique or just a bad mood, bad sex just sucks! Or, more often, it doesn’t suck, or lick, or do anything that involves his mouth on the most important part of my body!

One of my huge pet peeves is men who don’t go down. What the hell dude? How can you ever expect me to think you are halfway decent in bed if you can’t even give me a little loving with your mouth? How would you like it if I never gave you a blow job? You think it’s okay to expect that but that my needs don’t need to be met? Wow. Amazing how often that little tidbit seems to fly right over guy’s heads. I go to the trouble of being shaved and clean and nice smelling and looking the best I can and it’s not just so you’ll stick a finger in there to see if I’m wet then ram it in after I’ve been sucking your dick for 20 minutes. EYEROLL.

It’s not just guys that don’t go down at all either but those who do it once in a while, or halfheartedly or they are really, really, good at it but once you start getting in a more serious relationship they start to become more and more selfish and frequently forget to please YOU. Then they complain about women losing their sex drives. Knock, knock, is anybody home in there?? If the sex is GOOD, I’m not gonna lose ANYTHING of the sort. I’m going to be BEGGING for more, frequently. If you get lazy and it’s a quickie every single time with you getting off and me getting nothing, well, yeah, I’m going to start to lose interest!

I don’t even HAVE to have a guy go down on me to have good sex but I really appreciate it when they do and find it offensive when they don’t bother. I shouldn’t have to ask, it should be a given. Yes, I’ve heard women out there say they don’t like when guys go down on them but I am figuring they just haven’t experienced a REALLY GOOD licking, lol. Mr. Married man, OH MY GOD. I’ve never experienced a tongue that nice in my life and once he did it while using my vibrator on me and I think I came like for 20 minutes straight, over and over and over and over. He’s even better with his cock, but we aren’t talking about that today, haha. 😉

So what else constitutes bad sex? Well, like I mentioned above sometimes it’s just bad chemistry. My ex- husband and I had horrible chemistry in bed. The problem was that we both wanted to be submissive. I’m very submissive in bed and want to be ravished. He wanted to lay on his back like a dead fish and have me ride him almost every time we had sex, despite me trying to tell him repeatedly that I liked to do other things better. I grew to HATE that position but I still do it some when guys want it’s just probably my least favorite. I like it much better if the guy is still somewhat in control.

My ex- husband hated doggy style because he said it made him feel like he was disrespecting me. He also wouldn’t let me go down on him because that made him feel guilty and when I wanted him to lick it he said that was only for lesbians. Hot stuff, let me tell you. Oh, and he once wanted me to spank HIM. Like he lay over my lap and I did it a few times but I can’t imagine being more turned off. I’m sure there are women out there who’d enjoy that but I am not one of them. BAD MATCH. He also would tell me to be quiet if I got the least bit excited or God forbid, expressed a little bit of pleasure in sex at all. The biggest problem though was that he completely IGNORED what I said I liked or didn’t like or the bodily clues that I tried to give. If someone is clearly feeling uncomfortable or asking you to stop licking her nipples like that because it tickles and you keep doing the same thing then it’s not going to produce a different result.

For me, sex with no emotion or passion behind it virtually never turns out to be good. I require some kind of emotional high or excitement to really get off. That doesn’t mean I have to be in love with the guy or that I can’t on a one night stand it just means there has to be more than jackhammering going on. I think that’s pretty typical for a lot of women.

I can think of a few recent scenarios involving lack of emotion where the sex just didn’t get me all hot and bothered. Like there was this guy that drove 4 hours to meet me from the swinger site and got a hotel and he was “okay” and “nice” but not really inspiring any kind of excitement or horniness. He asked me like 3 times if I really wanted to do this and it was starting to turn me off. Yet we had sex anyway. Of course I was wet (pretty much always seem to be whether I’m actually turned on or not) so he forgot about all his promises to go down on me and give me a great time and just slapped on the condom and went in. There was no preparation or foreplay and I was feeling DISAPPOINTED because he had promised me a nice massage and I never got it.

The sex was pretty much just in- out, in- out, in- out plunging until it started to feel kind of good for a minute and he pulled out saying he knew “that was feeling way too good”. Uh, yeah, the condom had shot off and gotten lost inside of me! I didn’t even know that could happen and at first tried to reach in with a finger but couldn’t get to it! After a bit it resurfaced enough that I could grab ahold of the edge and pull it out though. Scary!

My point though, is you know the sex sucked when he says “this is feeling too good” and stops. LMAO.

Of course I’ve had my share of guys that blow so quick you wonder what happened too. Like 1, 2, 3 pumps, YOUR’E OUT!! Did we just fuck? Seriously? How did he cum that fast? I hadn’t even had a chance to let out a moan and we are done already? Damn. See how much better that would have been if you’d gone down on me? Or at least used your fingers afterwards, or something? But no…and he’ll even tell you how hot it was later…

Then there’s the sex that lasts like AN HOUR and he’s just pumping away and pumping and you’re looking at the clock watching the minutes tick by and hoping he’ll let you move to a different position soon but he seems to think you like this while the condom is rubbing against you and you know you are going to be red and raw and sore but he seems to be enjoying himself. Did I mention I hate the feel of condoms, especially after a long session or like when the end of it is too loose and aggravating my cervix? Bleah….

You’re probably wondering if I like sex at all by now but I DO!! I LOVE IT. I love it when it’s GOOD. I love it when the guy takes the time to try and please me, I love it when he is dominating the hell out of me and MAKING me cum for him and I love it when I’m so lost in emotion and so deep in a sex trance that I feel like I’m drunk and high on the feelings it creates. The married guy can go for 4 hours and I am in HEAVEN enjoying it and never notice the clock. The same with the Professor, I’m so emotionally into it that it’s like an out of body experience. That kind of sex is hard to find!

Yes there are times when I am so horny that even mediocre sex will do. There were times when I was wanting sex so bad I’d just suck it up and come on to my ex -husband and ride the hell out of his dick even though he wasn’t seeming that into it and came quickly. There have been times when I’ve slept with a stranger or someone I didn’t even like that much just to get out a sexual urge and enjoyed it even if it wasn’t spectacular but bad sex is just bad sex.

Most of my experiences with bad sex have involved a guy who didn’t seem that into it or that into ME or wasn’t making an effort to make it FEEL GOOD to me. Like he was using me as a masturbatory aid or something and basically I’m just a hole to get off and not trying to make the experience good for both of us. I have a major need to feel the man’s passion and desire for me and to know my body and soul are WANTED.

There have been times too where a guy is going overboard trying to do all the right things but the FEELING just isn’t there. Like there was a guy I met awhile back who spent the majority of our date making me feel sorry for him and his situation with his ex- wife. I felt so bad that I agreed to sleep with him, thinking I wanted to cheer him up (dumb, I know) and he wasn’t bad looking. Still the sex just wasn’t that great at all. Half the time his erection kept going up and down and I think he would have been happy to just have me lick his balls and jack him off the entire time. That’s what he kept going back to. Not so exciting for ME. Still he went down on me but just did a not so great job and his stubble was rubbing against my very sensitive skin and scratching. Youch!

Of course there’s also the stereotypical guy who can’t find a clit to save his life. I’ve had PLENTY of those. Like they go down on you but they spend the entire time sticking their tongue up INSIDE you. This does what for me exactly? Errr…nothing actually. Or licking somewhere RIGHT NEXT to it and you keep trying to move up under him in a way that will help him get it right but he dodges you, wtf? Or he BITES it (ouch!! 😦 ) or licks so gently that it becomes irritating.

Yeah, I know women can be hard to please and I don’t claim to be an easy case. It does make me appreciate the men who pay attention to me and my body and signals even more though. At least that way I’m not wondering about the mark on the wall behind him (is that a booger? Ewwwww) or trying to pretend he’s someone else or inventing elaborate scenarios in my head so I can get off.

I appreciate that good sex doesn’t seem to come to men without practice. So in that sense I really love an experienced man in the bedroom more than one who is just starting out. I love the ones that really put forth the effort to learn about a woman’s body and how to make them feel good emotionally in bed as well. I get SO TURNED ON by the sound of a guy’s voice and the things he says and some of my favorite guys in bed have also been really vocal and good with the sweet talking (which I guess is like dirty talk but without the whore/bitch/cunt type comments that some women like but that turn me off).

Of course we all are so different and men are more different in the bedroom than they let on too. I think it’s hard to find a good match and sometimes even harder to let one go. Good dick is ad-dick-ting!! I’ve been having some issues with the Professor, but man, that is the hardest thing to not want to hang on to. He’s SO GOOD and we are so well matched in the bedroom that I can’t even describe it. I’m like on an emotional/sexual high the entire time we are in bed and for days afterwards. There’s that saying about how you get over one man by getting under another but there are only two men in my entire life that have been able to bring me to that level in bed, out of all the guys I’ve had sex with. My fuck buddy is great and I even cum with him and he’s made me squirt once and no one else has but it’s just not the same on the emotional level. Wah! 😦

19 thoughts on “Are we done yet?

  1. Totally agree. I swear if anyone bit my clit I would probably punch them in the face. I really love dirty talk when it’s done well. I have always enjoyed the usual commenting and agreement on the activities currently happening, (you know, the “yeah, fuck me like that, more, more!”) dirty talk, but have never been really into the slut/whore thing either. Except recently Sam (the new guy) did it and I was surprised to find it such a turn on. You know, one of those moments where you go, “Oh, so I am into that, apparently.” I think it relates to my fantasies about being dominated, as well as to the fact that I know that Sam doesn’t actually think I am a slut

    • True, I guess you never know until you’ve tried it and sometimes things can surprise you! I don’t know specifically what guys say that get me so hot…I think it’s more the tone of their voice than anything. I love it when they whisper in my ear or talk in that low sexy voice. When I try to think back on what they said I can only remember stuff like “Mmm…baby, you feel sooo good, I love that sweet, sweet pussy” or “you like that huh?” type of comments. Pretty tame really just listening gets me all turned on.

      • Well, compliments to the pussy are always a good thing 😛 Can’t really go wrong with that.
        Sam has been saying all kinds of things to me I had no idea I liked. The second time we slept together I was on top, and I started to get super tired (he takes long. LOOOOOOOOOOONG. It’s a lack of sensitivity plus condom thing. He has never come from penetrative sex with me, only from blowjobs and handjobs. Which is actually fine with me, because every time he does I feel like I’ve won a big golden star in the sex department.) and I had already come once. So as he sensed I was starting to slow down he suddenly came out with, “Is that really all you’ve got?”
        Now if someone had asked me if I would have liked that, I would have said, “Shit, no!”
        But at the time, and the way he said it: It was a challenge. And my competitive nature kicked in. And this he then followed up with repeated versions of “Come on, fuck me til you cum! I want to feel you cum around my hard cock!”
        God, the combination of this. You needed to go to the ocean to find shallow waters…

  2. I’m with Lady Taylor on the biting! That had me grab my crotch as I read it… ouch. I guess its worse to look down and remind them that a clit is like a cock head in that respect LMAO. Now someone do a blog on the top ten ways to ruin the mood hehehehe.

    • Yeah, biting is not cool! Even a gentle bite (which is what I have experienced but it still hurt!). Don’t scrape my clit with your teeth, dammit! Its not any better than having your dick scraped. :p Another pet peeve is when a guy is gingerly licking around and not seeming into it! if you don’t seem turned on by it you are going to turn ME off so maybe it would be better not to do it at all. I’m sure we could come up with a lot of ways to ruin the mood during sex!! LOL

      • I seriously want to do a blog post on the Top Ten worst things you can do to a vagina while trying to get a woman off. Using your mouth as a meat tenderizer and using your hand as a jackhammer are on that list.

      • Hahaha…. you just reminded me that I’ve had issues with a couple of guys sucking REALLY HARD like a fucking vacuum on my clit. 😦 OUCH 😦 It’s not a dick boys, you may like that but I do not!! It was like a freaking leech and trying to pull his head back and he doesn’t want to stop because he thinks you actually like it. Nooooo….. Things like that make me think we must be way more sensitive than they are.

  3. Even with partners with ‘chemistry’ – and I use the term loosely – bad sex can happen… and it really doesn’t take a whole lot to take what should have been a toe-cramping, back spasming romp in the hay and toss it right out the closet window.

    It can be a word, a gesture and, yeah, an untimely fart in the face has been known to break the mood or, worse, allow bad sex to happen; sometimes, Pyx, the fastest way to ruin the mood is just to get naked and try to have sex and especially when your mind and body aren’t quite agreeing on the decision to get laid.

    The mood can be killed simply by assuming that the person climbing into bed with you knows what to do with your body and when to do it; the mood can be killed by putting undue pressure on the other person to perform; hell, the mood can be trashed just trying to figure out if you’re in the mood for sex… even when it’s in progress.

    • Very true and I do try not to put too much pressure on guys. It’s easy to be critical but I’m actually pretty kind about things if it’s someone I like a lot. I don’t like a lot of pressure put on me either!

  4. This was a great read! You write so well…

    I just didn’t want to read that good sex can be so hard to find…wah… 😦

    • Thank you so much and take heart, lol. Men seem to get better in bed as they get older and I’m coming across more good in bed ones than ever before, lol. And several of the guys have been pretty good just two are SPECTACULAR, lol. So it’s really a positive thing!

      • Ladies, “You All” need to train the boys to tend the field maintenance before planting the crops. That’s why mature men have the tools of the trade and the skills to use them. We understand the time of drought and how to naturally irrigate the plants leading to a bountiful yield!! A field that is well tended is always invited back come harvest time : ) Peace

  5. Lovely blog, thank you. There are men who don’t like going down on women (never could understand that), but there are also women who don’t like having it done. Sadly I am married to one of them. It breaks my heart.

      • Alas, it’s been 12 years since we met, and I have given up hope that it will ever change. I do tell her that, often. She still finds it incomprehensible why I would want to put my mouth there. At first it didn’t worry me, because I had known other women who thought they didn’t like it, but I was pretty good at changing their minds! Likewise, my wife has never had an orgasm (by any means, even solo), and at first this didn’t bother me either because she said she was interested in figuring it out, and I have nothing but patience. But over the years she has lost all interest in it, most of her interest in sex, and the only thing she likes is intercourse when she does want it. No foreplay, no oral, no slow buildup, just get right to the fucking and make it last as long as possible. Sex is a banquet, but she is a meat and potatoes gal!

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