Pressure on dates…. ugghhh

bad-date

Last night I went out with a new guy. He was someone I met off the swinger site. He had like 60 validations and from his pictures he was hot, hot, hot!! The only face pictures I saw were not straight on. Like he was looking down or had the camera slightly in front of him but from what I could see he was good looking. He was really muscular and had a set of six pack abs. His cock was….gigantic. Maybe on the level of “too big” that I mentioned in the previous post about Big Black Men. I wasn’t too concerned about that though and I never asked him his actual measurements.

In any case he lives 3 hours away so I was a bit surprised that he had emailed me. I responded once and then had forgotten about him until the Professor had gone to a swinger party in another town and I had ended up here alone after not finding any sufficient men off Craigslist. It was then that I emailed him back and we got to texting. He seemed pretty cool, other than an annoying habit of calling me “babe” and sounding a bit full of himself.

Still I figured if we were to meet he would probably be someone I’d sleep with. When I asked him about the distance between us he claimed it was no big deal and he travels frequently. He didn’t mind driving up here to meet me and said he was looking for a “swinging partner” to join him at parties. I kinda let him know that I had that already but he wasn’t deterred.

Anyway, I again forgot about him for a bit, until he texted early in the week to let me know he would be coming through my town on his way to a big city a few hours away. So we agreed to meet up. We flirted a little over text and he asked for more pics of me but I didn’t send him any.

I told the Professor I was going out on a date, which was kind of hard but he didn’t say a whole lot. I asked if he was cool with it and he said “It doesn’t matter. I am sick anyway and you are free to do what you want”. Not really encouraging and I felt bad that it was when he was sick but I went out anyway. I still don’t feel like we have completely worked things out from the other day. Nevertheless I still care for him and think I want to keep seeing him. I asked if he had slept with anyone without telling me and got a very adamant NO!!!!

So, onto my date. At first he had tried to squiggle out of taking me out beforehand and wanted to come straight to my place. I wasn’t having it. There is no way of telling if he would be a creepy stalker type or if I even want to have sex with someone without meeting them in public first. Being at my house is just too much pressure on me if I decide I DON’T want to and guys can really lay that pressure on thick. Plus he’d know where I live. One of the guys I slept with once last year STILL freaking harasses me and I am SO GLAD he doesn’t know where my house is. He tries to make me feel guilty for not wanting to see him again when actually the first night I did because I was under a lot of pressure and he basically ripped my clothes off and just started licking me. Then he was holding me down and not letting me get up to leave when I wanted to. I have had other experiences before where I ended up sleeping with someone I really wasn’t that excited about because I felt obligated and just in case I wanted a chance to assess things in a public setting.

I was an hour and a half later than I expected for meeting him. I felt bad but had to run my kids to their dads and come back which took about an hour and then was trying to clean up around the house before having anyone over. That’s another reason I don’t really like to have guys over at MY place. I have kids and there is always some cleaning up to do after they leave and it interferes with me trying to get ready to go out. Like, who wants to be cleaning the toilet and sweeping right before a date and right after showering? UGGH. It’s not putting me in a sexy mood, lol, and I start feeling resentful like can’t this guy just get a hotel or something and here he is wanting me to hurry and get there. Don’t worry, I kept him updated as to when I was coming and I had TOLD him beforehand that it was just an estimate as far as the time, but he did have to wait awhile.

What kills me is that later he claimed he was getting a hotel here in town because he wasn’t planning on driving straight through due to it being late. WTF? Then why the hell didn’t he get a hotel BEFORE the date and spare me all the extra cleaning (I had told him that is what I had to do). Why did he need to come to my house? SMFH Driving my kids to their Dad’s house is annoying to me too. It’s way out of my way and costs a lot of gas money. His vehicle isn’t working and I feel like in some ways he is deliberately sabotaging things for me. He’s passive aggressive like that. He keeps making our lives more and more difficult and I think it’s a continuation of the emotional abuse that went on in our marriage.

So I’m not in the best mood but I got myself together and all fixed up and headed to the sports bar where we were meeting. It was packed and he was sitting just inside the door. He doesn’t look nearly as attractive face to face as he did in the pictures. He’s still a decent looking guy but there is just something I don’t like and can’t put a finger on it. I smell something that smells vaguely like, well…. shit, lol, but I don’t know where it is coming from because there are a lot of people there around him. I notice his teeth are a bit messed up in the front. Apparently he was careful to hide that in the pictures.

He hugs me and says that maybe we should just leave or go someplace else since it is so crowded. I sense that he is trying to get out of buying me a drink, which is a turn off too. I suggest maybe we should just sit at the bar and he agrees. We order our drinks and the guy cards us, so I whip out my ID (it cracks me up to get carded when I’m only 4 years away from 40 but whatever, lol, it happens every time I go out). However, he doesn’t have his ID and has to go back out to the car. He takes a long time and I start to wonder if I’ve been ditched but chat a bit with the bartender (who is a cute, kinda hot blonde guy). He apologizes for carding us but says he has to. I start to wonder about the guy I am with and how old he actually is. He does look kinda younger than I expected and I can’t remember what he told me before.

So finally the guy comes back and has his ID. I ask him how old he is and he states 26. Yeah, that is a little on the young side for me. I’ve never really been a cougar and my one experience with a 22 year old made me feel awkward even though he was handsome and nice and okay in bed. It just felt weird and I couldn’t do it again even though he wanted me to. Generally, I Iike men my age or older, though a few years younger is okay. My fuck buddy just turned 29.

I think I smell that smell again and I am almost sure it is coming from him. Gross. I’m starting to think I definitely don’t want to do this. However, we talk for a bit and he is nice. He is in college and majoring in Psychology, which is what I got my degree in. He works in a group home which I have also done in the past. He’s nice but I’m still not feeling the connection. Something about the look in his eyes, I just don’t feel it…and the smell. He’s not bad looking or anything, but not what I expected and while he looks muscular it’s not nearly so much as he seemed in the pictures. He’s very tall though and says 6 foot 3.

When the bartender asks if I want another drink I say no, thinking I don’t want him to have to pay too much since I am not really feeling him. He says come on have another one and tells the bartender to get me another Mojito anyway.

After our drinks he pays and we head outside. He asks if I want to head back to my place and I say I’m really not sure that I do. He says oh, you are nervous huh and says he will walk me to my car and we can talk a bit. So we are standing by my van and he keeps saying I must be nervous. He tries to kiss me and I kind of pull away. He keeps talking about how nervous I am and I tell him I’m just not feeling much chemistry and not sure I want to do this.

He keeps telling me it is because I am nervous and says I will change my mind once we get back to my house. I say I don’t know that I want to go back to my house and he says I am just nervous and we should sit and talk in my van for a bit. I reluctantly agree and he gets inside. He tries to kiss me again and yeah there is a faint smell of crap. Yuck! Did he step in dog poo or is he unwashed or what? Ewwwww…. I pull away and say I am not ready for this. So he starts trying to put his hand between my legs. I push him away and say I really just don’t know if I want to do this.

He starts asking me if I have ever brought a guy back to my house the first time we met from the site and I say no, which is true but I have done so from other sites. Still I don’t want to encourage him. So he goes on about how I am just nervous and will change my mind once we are in a different setting. I say I really don’t think I will so he launches into an argument about how this is the “perfect time” and we have “a great opportunity” to do this. I tell him repeatedly that I don’t feel the chemistry with him and also he is younger than I expected (I later looked at his profile again and it says he is 110). He keeps saying he thinks I am hiding something that I will end up telling him later. So when that doesn’t work I use the Professor as an excuse and say I am in a bit of an open relationship but I don’t want to hurt him too much by sleeping with just anyone unless I am really feeling the chemistry.

Over and over he keeps trying to convince me (by arguing, totally unsexy) that this is our opportunity and that if I don’t do it now I will regret it later and be texting him and wanting to meet again to feel the chemistry. He says he is not good at conveying chemistry till we get to the bedroom. I tell him again that I don’t feel it now and don’t think that will change and don’t want to go back to my house. He asks what it is about him that I don’t like and was like “you liked my pictures, didn’t you??” I said it’s not anything about his looks and that we had a nice conversation earlier but I’m just not feeling him. He kept demanding I be more specific as to why I didn’t like him. I wasn’t gonna say “you smell like dogshit” but also I didn’t feel it with him at all so kept focusing on that. He didn’t like my vague reasoning, but what was I supposed to say?

He starts to get a little angry and I tell him I feel too pressured. So he asks if it’s because I am afraid he is going to have a one night stand with me and never talk to me again. I say no. (Oh, Hell no, more like I am afraid he would become clingy, needy, annoying as hell and turn into a stalker like a couple of guys I have slept with once in the past). This went round and round and round with him trying to argue and me trying to get rid of him for OVER AN HOUR AND A HALF. A couple times he tried to kiss me again and tried to rub my clit over my pants. I pulled away and told him I just didn’t want to do this and that he was pressuring me and he said he wasn’t going to force me to do this but that it was a “perfect opportunity”. Sigh…guilt trip after guilt trip.

One of my children called me on the phone (thank God) and I said I need to go pick them up. He acted angry that I wasted all this time being “unsure” when we could have been doing other things and said he would like to meet me again on Sunday when he comes back through and maybe then I would feel the chemistry. He asked where we were going to go from here and whether I would want to talk to him again. I said “I wouldn’t waste your time” and he said “oh but it’s not a waste of my time at ALL, you are gorgeous”. Repeat about 5 times. No, I am not feeling it, DON’T WASTE YOUR TIME. I am sorry this isn’t going to work.

He acted like I was breaking up with him or something and looked like he was about ready to cry. I felt bad but I just didn’t want to have sex with him. He blamed me that he was too tired to drive through to the other city but he had known beforehand it was going to be late when he left. I said he still had plenty of time and he said no he had been planning to get a hotel and stay here because it was too long of a drive. He knew darn well I wasn’t gonna have him stay at my place because I was due to get my kids. At least he should have known that. No way a strange man is sleeping at my place with my kids there.

FINALLY, he gets out of the van, slams the door like he is angry and looks like he wants to cry. I feel bad but I just had NO DESIRE to sleep with the man. This is why I HATE going on dates with new people. You just don’t know for sure if you are going to like them and guys cannot take it when you say no. UGH, UGH, UGH!!! I wanted him to leave so badly but he just wasn’t accepting it. I don’t know how I could have been any more clear other than to say “GET THE FUCK OUT” which is not something I am comfortable saying. I am way too polite for that and hate to hurt people.

I thought the Professor would be glad I didn’t sleep with the guy but when I told him the short version of the story (that this guy had spent an hour and a half trying to argue me into sleeping with him) he was like “well, what do you expect, you met him on a sex site!!” I asked if he felt that meant I was obligated to have sex with him and he said no but that is what guys are going to think. Surely they have to understand that it may not work out in person just because you liked them online though!! How hard is that to comprehend? I did not make him drive to my city, he was supposedly coming through anyhow. I don’t like this kind of pressure at ALL and truth be known I am pretty darn picky. It makes me DREAD meeting new people in the future and possibly having to go through all this again.

Just because someone’s pictures look good does not mean in person they will be what you thought. I have come across that more than once and was bound and determined NOT to have sex with anyone I didn’t feel completely comfortable with and turned on by, from a sex site or anywhere else! How the hell would I be turned on enough to have sex after an hour of him trying to ARGUE with me and debate and convince anyway? He was NOT doing anything to make me excited to sleep with him. I definitely need a little bit of that from a guy to be attracted. I do feel bad that his time was wasted but I don’t owe him sex. I’m actually proud of myself for standing by my guns and saying NO despite all the pressure. I can’t believe the Professor didn’t get that. MEN. Sheesh….

26 thoughts on “Pressure on dates…. ugghhh

  1. As a man, I can say that I totally get where you’re coming from. I get the presumption of sex, having met on a sex site, but still the guy shouldn’t presume, and he sure as hell shouldn’t try to badger you into sleeping with him. That is just pathetic. Perhaps that’s my problem with women, I’m too nice! LOL I remember going to this one BDSM club. They had an area called the “naked jungle” where the only rule was that you had to be naked, and you had to ask before touching. They had to change that to insist that no single men could enter, and then they closed it within a year because they had too many creeps were getting too bold and barging in on couples etc. In another instance, I went to another BDSM club in NYC, and when I went there were clouds of dudes who were standing around jacking off, and they went anywhere there was action, and followed women around, as if the women would feel compelled to help them out. Men can really be pigs.

    I’m kinda fascinated by a couple things. First off, you mention finding guys on CL. Every time I’ve ever responded or placed an ad for a woman on CL, it’s either spam or a hooker. Do you place ads, or simply answer them?
    Second, I am intrigued by the whole balance of power between men and women. It seems, based on what you wrote in this entry that you don’t seem to feel that power. That you’ve been in situations where you’ve been nearly raped (certainly out of your control) and others where you’ve been heavily pressured and feel obligated to give in. In my mind, you have all the right, power and authority to say no at any time…but them I’m a nice guy, and was raised well. Again, maybe that’s my problem. I’m just curious about your take on it.

    • The Naked Jungle sounds interesting, lol. The Professor went to a party in another city recently where he said there were rooms where people could play but that single males (like him) were banned unless they were actually WITH a woman. They couldn’t just go in with a random female that invited them. It seemed kinda silly but after reading your explanation I understand better why they do that.

      Yes, I have had it pretty easy finding guys on Craigslist. A couple of times I have responded to their ad, like the super sexy married guy that was like the best sex I have had in my entire life!! I’ve also put up ads of my own, but if a woman tries to put up an ad here in my city it is usually flagged and taken down in like 30 minutes to an hour. It is frustrating but I generally have gotten about 30 emails in that time span and there are sometimes one or two that sound interesting. That’s how I met my fuck buddy.

      As for the balance of power and pressure from men, I am someone that struggles a lot with saying no when I think it is going to hurt someone’s feelings. So part of it is me and also I probably do have some learned helplessness due to things that happened to me in the past and when I was younger (like actual rapes) that make it more difficult for me to feel safe just saying NO. I felt like I was giving this guy a really clear message when I told him we didn’t have any chemistry but it must not have been firm enough.

      Still I think some men just have no clue how MUCH pressure guys sometimes put on us females. It is not always easy to repeatedly say no or get him to back off. Some guys are really, really pushy and hard to turn away, no matter how many times you tell them you aren’t interested and will try all kinds of manipulation tactics.

      • Gotcha. People are endlessly fascinating…and our experiences while similar in some ways, can be soooo different from each other in others. I’m sorry that you had such a traumatic past. I guess in your case it didn’t kill you, so its made you extremely adaptable, if not stronger.
        Interesting on CL. The only time that I ever actually made contact with a real live woman was last summer. She and I never met, she posted something vague about being bored by tv and wanting to hang out. I was traveling at the time, and totally free so I replied. I missed her that night, but we exchanged emails for a couple days, but never went anywhere. In part because I am so accustomed to women not being legit on there that I was reluctant to proceed. Couples are different, but single women seem very hard to find. LOL

      • Funny that you say that because I have been accused several times of being fake by guys on Craigslist too. Also, they get angry if you don’t respond or aren’t interested sometimes. With like 30 guys to choose from in a half hours time it’s hard to get back to everyone so I just pick whoever seems like the best fit. I’ve met a handful of guys off of there.

        Now when I tried to post an ad for MW looking for a W (which I did with the married guy and also with the Professor) we didn’t have as much luck. We got a few legit sounding females but more spam and also a guy posing as a girl and a man who said he would pay to watch us (we didn’t take him up on it though). There’s lots more guys on there for sure. Still I think it doesn’t hurt to throw out an ad once in awhile and see what you get!

        Yeah, I have had some pretty traumatic events in my life and for the most part seem to be very resilient. I was raped at gunpoint once and though it was terrifying at the time I felt relatively unfazed afterwards. I was more affected by some other instances but in any case I’m alive and survived so like you said what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger.

      • Wow. With your ability to write, and your life experience, you seriously ought to consider writing a book! You could then at least make some profit off of that trauma. At least you’ve gained strength or perhaps some insight from it. Still, it saddens me to know that so many people have to suffer such pain in the world.
        I know about what a pain guys can be on CL. I try to be careful about what I post these days, because I’ve gotten sooooo many guys who send you one line stuff, or stuff you can’t even understand because it is written so poorly, then they get all pissed off when you don’t reply. Sigh.
        I was initially surprised to hear that you don’t get a lot of responses for MW4W ads, but then I thought about it for a second, and realized that there probably aren’t that many women trolling CL looking for experiences. I could be wrong. Of course, I don’t know then where all those wonderfully kinky and adventurous women are hiding out! LOL. I certainly haven’t met many of them, but they are out there. Maybe its because if you are a kinky and adventurous woman, its pretty easy to find a guy to play with, because most guys will do anything to get laid.

      • You know, it has actually been a lifelong dream of mine to write a book and part of why I started this blog was to see if people would show interest in my writing, so thank you so much for that comment! 🙂 I really do have a lot of interesting life experiences and some were also traumatic and there is just so much I could write about that it is hard to know where to start. I would love (and could totally use) a profit from my writing, haha. I’m fairly clueless about things like getting published though. I need to look into it more. I understand E-books are easier.

        Anyway, I think there are a lot more kinky, adventurous women out there than people realize but women have to hide that fact a lot more than men and are super discreet sometimes. There obviously are some women reading the Craigslist ads but it probably aren’t as many that have gotten past the fear of responding. I will fully admit that it is pretty easy to find men willing to play, but the problem is that as a woman I am picky (we all are) and that makes it harder! Plus while there are a lot of men out there willing to have sex there do not seem to be a lot that fit my criteria and are what I want in terms of looks, personality and sexual ability and adventurousness, openness, etc.

      • You SHOULD follow the dream and start writing your story. Worry about publishing later, but just start writing. From what I understand, publishing is a lot less difficult than it was. I even know a woman who wrote her own romance novel and got it published last year, with no background as a writer. It can be done. And besides, with such a compelling, and wild story as yours, and in the wake of “50 Shades” who wouldn’t want to publish or read a book like yours! Go for it!

      • Aw, thank you for the encouragement!! I may do that too! I am starting to think about it and when I have a chance may at least decide on a topic and start developing an outline of ideas and see what I can come up with. Maybe publishing a book is not this big scary endeavor that I have in my mind where it’s really hard to do after all, lol.

      • I don’t think it’s as easy to actually get published as it is to blog, but I think that it isn’t nearly as hard as it used to be, or as hard as people think. The challenge for you would be to determine where you’re going with the book, since you have soooo much to write about. It would also be a question of how graphic you make it in terms of marketability. I think people would be fascinated, but you could easily go into the line of too graphic and be pushed off into the porn-ish stratosphere.

  2. I never assume anything about people by their picture: I have met guys that look better in person! but it gives me a clear idea of what I am working with. Now this is really a learning lesson for you and best to look at a positive out of this: no you didnt say NO right away, which you could have done outside the bar, save him face, and go straight to your car and not let him in.

    Some men are pushy and the fact you felt that you had owned him something was enough of a turn off and all you needed to say to him. You can still be polite and soft while being truthful, and it can help them in the long run. By not saying no upfront is what gives them ‘hope’ they can talk us into something… you let him in the car which he took as a signal and i am not saying you meant to do it… but yeah its hard to say no but the more practice you have and the more you realize, it helps you in the long run, the easier it all gets.

    Good luck! dating is never easy… no matter what you do!

    • Thanks and I really, really need to get better at just saying no up front. To me, if a guy said “we just don’t have good chemistry” I would leave him alone and I am expecting the same courtesy from men, but they tend not to respond as well to “nice” statements like that. I hate “being mean” and it is very hard for me to be like, hey, this really just isn’t going to work, goodbye. I DID tell him that but I suppose I needed to be more firm. I shouldn’t have let him in my vehicle but he was pressuring me and I felt bad and thought at least it isn’t my house.

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    • Yeah, when guys see your naked pics on a site and know you are down for sex it does make it more likely they are gonna assume you will sleep with THEM. I’m still selective though and I think that holds true for most women. I guess you can’t assume just because a guy is a swinger that he will be different than most men would be in that situation.

      • Sadly, that can be the perception; if you’re in the life, you’re there to be screwed, no questions asked and refusing is not an option. In some ways, a man being a swinger is worse than the guy prowling the local bar for someone to sleep with because while the bar guy expects to be rejected, some swinging men don’t have that expectation – see my opening sentence.

  5. I feel you! I am really bad at saying no, too. Though I am even worse at saying yes, fortunately. lol

    I met a guy on pof and we met at a country bar, where lots of my friends were around. He did not look like his picture at all. Ugly teeth, never brushed… And overall he just looked like a very unhealthy, even sick version of his picture. So he obviously lied to me about his appearance by sending me only very old pictures of him.
    I tried to play it nice though and thought I could at least spend some time with him at that place. I felt secure knowing some of my friends are there. I was able to just walk away inbetween that “date” and talk to my friends about that situation and what to do about it. Anyway, that guy got all touchy after a short while and I ended up telling him that I would go home with my “fuck buddy”, who happend to be at the bar that night, too.

    I told him before we met, that I was supposed to meet a friend at the bar and that he could join though, if he likes. So good for me, to have that as an excuse. It probably wasn´t the nicest way to tell somebody that I won´t have sex with him, but I didn´t know what else to do. I thought it was worse to tell him he looks ugly and sick. Oo
    I offered him that we still could hang as long as I would stay at the bar, but he didn´t want to anymore. Made me feel a little bad, although he was the one lying to me in first place, right?

    I think, us women have the right to be picky and say no. After all it is free sex we have to offer. And in my case as well as yours, we look good and keep our bodys look good, too. We can expect that from the guys who wants to have sex with us, too. I mean your guy smelled like shit… and he had hidden the fact that his teeth weren´t too nice either. So you don´t have to feel bad. You play honest, if a man cannot return that favor, he is not worth your while.
    On a side note, that guy I meet kept creeping around at the bar the entire night and texted me all night until I blocked his number. So much for being nice.

    Looking at it now, I think it is better to tell guys honestly and directly that I won´t sleep with them. I think you did a good job on that. But some ppl are just pathetic. My goal for if that ever happens again. Tell him as soon as I am sure about not sleeping with him and don´t discuss it. Thanks and goodbye. Guys should be glad, if a woman does not waste their and her time longer than necessary. I see it now as doing them a favor by telling them a straight and clear “no”, period, when I don´t feel it.
    xo, Jai

    • Yeah, I THOUGHT I was being pretty clear but I guess I need to work on that. What part of “I’m not feeling any chemistry” and “don’t waste your time” did he not understand? :p

      I so need to practice my “I’m not interested” and walk away. Somehow I have a feeling guys like him would have just chased and followed me and tried to argue and demand I explain myself anyway though.

      Sorry about that guy at the bar. Who wants to kiss someone with gross teeth? I am a pretty fanatic tooth brusher myself and brush several times a day so I’m not wanting anyone with bad breath (not that anyone does but apparently not everyone gets that).

      I had a guy send me pictures once that I swear must have been 20 years old. He said he was in his early 40’s and when we met he looked old enough to be my grandpa and nothing like the pic except maybe the eyebrows were still the same. The picture had also been from a distance. I need to remember my oath to only meet guys who send VERY CLEAR and obviously RECENT looking photos that are STRAIGHT ON and not wearing sunglasses.

      • Hahaha yeah. It was pretty clear to me, but then I am a girl, too. Maybe thats the problem. lol. And yeah some guys like to chase and think its a game or something or they are just pathetic Oo…
        Yeah thanks, I almost thougth I am weird for being turned off by ugly and more important dirty teeth lol.
        That pic of the guy must have been about 10 years old Oo. I don´t get why ppl cannot just send a current picture… I mean do they think the other person won´t notice or what? Some ppl demand you to prove that the pic is current and you are real by telling you specific things they wanna see in that pic. Like the newspaper from today or the name of the other person written on a mirror. I gonna do that from now on, though I need a break from that online stuff for a while now. lol

      • That’s a good idea really, to say you want proof the picture is current. I’ve only had one person demand that and it was when the Professor and I were thinking about going to a hotel swinger party we saw advertised on Craigslist. Only when we got there after verifying ourselves and everything there was no one there. Grrrr…. But oh well I guess.

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