When being open isn’t enough

tears

So remember the Professor? The guy I was in an “open” relationship with? The one I kept saying I liked so much because above all else he was HONEST and TRUSTWORTHY? Yeah, well, it turns out he’s a big, fat, LIAR. I am so disappointed, crushed and totally let down. I guess I shouldn’t be surprised. It’s not like I’ve ever met or been in a relationship with a guy in my life who DIDN’T turn out to be a big liar, but the fantasy that they are out there was a nice one.

Last night we went to another swinger party. This one was at a hotel. It was not a technical “hotel takeover” but there were something like 75-100 people at this place, in a tourist town that is not too far away from where we live. There were a bunch of rooms reserved at the back of the hotel specifically for the swinger party and a lot of people stayed the whole weekend and hung out socializing in the pool and lobby areas. Groups of people also were going out to bars and such in town, so not everyone was there at once.

The Professor and I didn’t sign up until Saturday, since we hadn’t gotten a response back from the Latino couple we have been emailing with for this weekend and the party was Plan B. That couple had made it pretty clear to me that they were interested in a FMF with me more than anything so I told them straight up that I was not ready for that and would be happy to meet them with the Professor but wasn’t interested in going at it alone at this point. He’s the one who told them about me, thinking we would swap as a COUPLE so I wasn’t going to just run off and sleep with them alone and exclude him, plus I just wasn’t really that interested. She had told me flat out she wasn’t really that bi and just wanted to do the whole thing FOR HIM. I’m not really that interested in giving this fantasy to some guy I have never even met. Anyhow, apparently that was all they needed to know because they stopped responding to messages after that.

So we decided to go to this hotel party and I was actually kind of excited. I was bound and determined for us to have a GOOD experience this time. I was in a good mood and ready to have fun. I spent the day beautifying myself, exercising, painting my nails, and checking out the swinger website, seeing who was signed up for the party and skimming over the profiles (well in between laundry, dishes, cleaning, paying bills and taking care of kids, but you don’t wanna hear about that). I got a zillion views and a few emails from people on there who saw I was signed up for the party but the Professor says he only got like 3 views. According to him that’s because I am listed as a single female and everyone wants that elusive “unicorn”. Probably true that they were hoping for me alone because I did get some asking me to have FMF threesomes.

During my profile skimming I noticed the Professor had been looking at mine and went over to his and was looking at his previous list of validations. He has quite a few. One of them that I looked at was a woman he has told me before that he has had sex with several times. She is part of a couple and older than me and lives near where the party was going to be. After checking out their profile I got an email that was from “her” saying that she understands the Professor wants a FMF and that she would love to have one with him and me. I laughed out loud and texted him to ask what that was all about. He said he is always up for a FMF but that he suspects her husband is the one who sent me that. I wasn’t opposed to the idea or anything because I had just told him recently that if I am going to have one I would feel much safer doing it with HIM than with another guy because I felt I could trust him to look out for my feelings and make sure I didn’t feel left out (my only experience in bed with a guy and one other female was when I was really young and didn’t turn out so great, leaving me feeling pretty bad). So I teased him a little about it and was like “hmmmm…..” and was actually seriously considering the possibility. He said she had texted him earlier and that they keep in contact but that she and her husband were not going to be at the party.

When I arrived at the Professor’s house he was fresh out of the shower and still in a towel. We kissed and I stood there talking to him as he was getting ready to go, playing and teasing him and just generally in a happy mood. He looked so hot rubbing lotion on his naked body.

He got us both something to eat on the way and we headed out of town for the party, arriving around 9pm. One of the hosts had texted me to say things were a bit slow due to different groups of people being at a piano bar and a pub. Still there were quite a few folks milling around the lobby when we arrived. The pool had some kids swimming in it so people were staying out of there until it cleared out. Supposedly it was reserved for the party but families had shown up anyway and no one told them to get out of the pool. We’d already been warned that we had to be careful and be on good public behavior except for inside the rooms.

So in the lobby there were a lot of people talking and drinking. Most of them were in their 40’s or 50’s and I looked to be the youngest person there. I get told frequently that I look younger than I am so it seemed like an even bigger age difference than it probably actually was. In fact the night before a 20 something guy working the register at the grocery store had acted totally shocked when I said I had a 13 year old. He couldn’t believe I was old enough to have a child that age and when I told him my actual age he was like “NO WAY!!!” haha. I seriously should start telling guys I am 29 because I’d totally pass for it.

Anyhow, I was younger and thinner and more attractive than pretty much anyone there. I know that sounds conceited, and I don’t intend for it to be, just an honest assessment. Of course this meant I got a lot of attention! There were several men flirting with me. One in particular seems almost obsessed, lol. This guy looks like Burt Reynolds, haha. He’s really nice, and actually not bad for an older man (he’s like in his 50’s) but his wife clearly doesn’t like me. She’s the same woman who made a catty comment towards me at the last party about how “oh, you are MUCH prettier than he SAID you were” regarding the Professor. So that made me feel a little awkward.

There was another married guy that I had seen at the last party having sex with his wife on a mattress. She is the one who had invited the Professor to join but not me. In any case, he was fairly attractive and flirting with me a lot too. He kept telling me how badly he wants to go down on me. He was standing there talking with me and another single girl who was waiting for her boyfriend to arrive and also the professor.

Meanwhile he starts asking me if I have seen this boyfriend and says he is a HUGE black guy that has a dick “this thick” and makes a big circle with his hand. I have no clue who he is talking about so he was trying to look up the screen name. The Professor didn’t seem to like this at all and I sense he’s not liking the idea of me hooking up with another well- endowed black guy, lol.

So I step aside and am talking to this other single woman while the guys chat. She had brought me a couple of margaritas to drink and seemed pretty nice. The Professor seemed to know her somehow but she tells me that she just signed up on the swinger site a few months ago and has only been to a couple of parties. This doesn’t register right because there was some conversation between them that made it sound like they had been at a party together and as far as I know he has only been to them with ME since July, other than once when he was a few hours away.

I am wondering and ask her when she met the Professor. She says just a couple weeks ago at the Christmas party. My heart sank down to my knees. Christmas party? He and I had talked about the Christmas party but he said he wasn’t going to go. The night of he’d claimed he was hanging out with some guy friends watching a football game. I’d been kind of upset that he didn’t want to see me but didn’t want to tell him what to do. I started to feel sick. I’m looking at this woman and trying to be nice and have a conversation but I could hardly hold it up.

She stepped aside to talk to someone else and I turned to the Professor. “I didn’t know you went to the Christmas party”. “What Christmas party?” he retorted and I looked at him dead in the eye and replied “the one where she said she met you, just a couple of weeks ago”. He started making excuses and saying “oh, I just stopped by there for a little bit” and “I just needed some time alone to socialize”. You don’t go to a SWINGER party just to socialize, dipshit. I am not an idiot. Ugh.

He kept saying stuff like how he didn’t play with anyone and it was just because he needs some time to himself sometimes and didn’t want to hurt my feelings. I didn’t even respond to all this bullshit. The point isn’t his reasoning, but that he LIED to me and that he is sneaking around doing stuff like going to swinger’s parties without telling me, when HE is the one who wanted an OPEN relationship where we were supposed to TELL each other everything. All I could think while he was talking is “this fool is trying to manipulate me”. None of it registered as anything worthwhile to talk about.

He had pulled me aside from the party and kept trying to get me to “talk”. I told him I am not interested in talking and he asked me if I wanted him to take me home. I said I don’t care. You can take me home or we can go back and party. At this point all you have really shown me is that you are no different than any other guy out there. He kept pulling me back and not letting me return to the party and it was really starting to grate on me. I felt numb and didn’t want to discuss things any further.

So we headed back into the party. Lots of people were talking to us and a whole bevy of men were trying to flirt with me, none of whom I was really that attracted to but I was being friendly. So was the Professor, but not near as much as usual. Mr. Burt Reynolds look alike came up and was rubbing his hard on against me and sliding his hands around my waist and slid them up to my boobs. The Professor, who was a few feet away talking to another guy, told him to stop and that was carrying things too far. So he drops his hands down and whispers that the Professor thinks he is being too aggressive with me and is that ok? I said I don’t care but he went back to just staring and complimenting.

The Other Black Guy showed up and he was indeed, quite huge, lol. This guy is 6 foot 6 and built like a linebacker. He was very dark skinned and had an accent that was obviously not American. He seemed kinda shy but took an immediate liking to me and kept giving me the eye. He was cute, though not necessarily my “type”. He and the girl he was with pulled me aside later and asked if the Professor and I would like to go up to their room with them. At that time another whole group of people, including the Burt Reynolds guy had also invited us back to their bedroom. Another guy and his wife were trying as well.

There were all these people trying to get us to sleep with them so the Professor pulled me aside and asked what I wanted to do. I said I didn’t care, I’d do whatever. He didn’t like my answer and said that’s not true that I am normally picky and he doesn’t believe that. I said, well, not tonight. Tonight I do not care which people we sleep with. I was feeling numb. I honestly just didn’t give a fuck. He wasn’t accepting my answer and complained that I hadn’t kissed him all night long. I shrugged my shoulders. I didn’t really feel like kissing him after finding out he’s been dishonest with me.

He kept insisting I talk with him and was getting resentful of people’s interruptions of our conversation so he took me up near the main desk of the hotel and we sat on the couch. I said, okay let’s just go to the room where there are gonna be a bunch of people and see what happens. He was like “you know you can’t go in there without every guy there trying to fuck you right?” I said that’s okay, I don’t care. He said yes you do and I was like NO I don’t. Isn’t this what you want? For me to go along with whatever? He said he didn’t like it because I normally don’t act like that and I still hadn’t kissed him.

So finally we go back down and by that time (because he had kept me up there so long) half the people were gone. So we go out on the balcony and ask some people where the rooms are. Mr. Burt Reynolds is out there and comes up and holds my hands and starts to drag me away. He pulls me over near his wife who is acting grouchy and smoking a cigarette and tells us we don’t need to be standing there watching her smoke and to go back inside.

He takes me back over to the Professor, who is waiting kind of impatiently and takes me with him back to the hotel rooms. We walk into the room (227) where people are supposed to be. A woman is lying on the bed and her husband is fucking her. No one else is there. He gets up and I can see he’s got some sort of cock ring on. She asks for a drink and then I realize she is tied to the bed.

Now this is the fairly good looking guy who I had seen fucking his wife on a mattress at the last party and she had asked the Professor to join in but he declined. He’s the one who has been asking to go down on me. He starts making comments to that effect and asking me to come sit on the bed. The Professor tells him not to push me. He says he wasn’t meaning it that way and the Professor tells him he doesn’t like to push women into anything. Meanwhile he’s holding onto me with his arms around my waist and his hands interlocked with mine, so I couldn’t go sit on the bed if I wanted to. He’s telling them I am shy but I think it’s really him who wants me to himself. He had told me earlier that this guy was bi and I think it was meant to deter me from wanting to sleep with him. I had said I guess it doesn’t really matter as long as he’s wearing a condom.

At this point the wife has moved to the other bed and pulled a dress over her head but has no panties on, everything showing and a boob hanging out. She’s a little on the heavy side and the Professor had told me before she was a little bigger than what he likes in bed. She’s texting on her phone and playing around. She tells me I should fuck her husband and let him go down on me, that he’s really good at it. He comes and whispers in my ear that he will be really disappointed if he doesn’t get the chance.

In comes another woman and a couple of men. This woman had just been fucking a couple earlier that her husband told us he wasn’t interested in. He said they were mad at him for not joining in but he just wasn’t attracted to them. He also says that Mr. Burt Reynolds and his wife are fighting. I hope it has nothing to do with me.

So his wife gets on the bed and starts sucking the guy with a cock ring’s dick. He also has a couple of piercings on the head of his penis. People are discussing that and she is saying how she likes to say hello by sucking someone’s dick. The texting wife is talking about how sometimes her husband lasts for hours when he fucks people. She asks the other guys who they are and they claim they just walked in off the street and we are all laughing until they admit that was a joke and they are from the swinger site as well.

In walks the huge black man and his girlfriend. They come over and stand near us and he keeps looking over at me. The texting wife and the husband of the woman who is now on the bed fucking her husband get into a mock argument and then she starts sucking his dick. He made a comment about how that finally shut her up and she pulls back and tells him if he keeps talking like that his dick is gonna just be hanging there. They argue for a bit more and she starts sucking him again.

The Professor still has a pretty tight grip on me. The wife who had been texting but is now sucking a guys dick pulls away and yells that anyone whose dick or pussy is not out needs to get the hell out of her room. So the other woman (they work together and she is actually her boss) gets on the bed and is sucking another random guy off. The big black man is taking pictures with his cell phone but he stays clothed. I’m not liking the pushy vibe and don’t want to have sex with most of the men in the room though there are two “maybe’s” (the good looking husband of the first woman and the tall black man). The Professor takes me out of the room and says he thinks that woman is too bitchy.

We decide it’s time to leave the party and on the way out there is a group of people that we stop and talk to. One of them is the woman who doesn’t like me. She is kind of aggressively flirting with the Professor and standing by him and touching but he is holding onto my hands. We chat for a bit and then head out.

On the way home we talked a little about the party before I finally bring up the Christmas party thing again. He says everyone makes mistakes and keeps making excuses for his behavior and how he didn’t want to hurt me. I look out the window trying to blink away tears and don’t talk much at all. When we get closer I ask him to drop me off at my house and he reminds me that my vehicle is at his place. So when we arrive I get my stuff and get in and he is standing in the door asking me if I am just going to leave and I say yes. He looks like he wants to cry but I just head home, where I completely break down in tears before getting up to get ready for bed.

The next morning he texted and asked why I would stay at the party if I didn’t want to spend time with him. I didn’t answer. I set to writing this blog and he showed up at my door and knocked but I ignored him. He texted again saying he thought I was being unfair not letting him even talk to me. I explained that I didn’t want to talk because he hurt me and I can’t have an “open” relationship with someone who is gonna be dishonest. He said I actually seemed like I wanted to touch him again at the end of the party and then he felt like I got mad again and I explained that I was just numb and trying to gloss over my feelings until I could make it home to cry. He asks again for me to talk to him and to come by his house and I say I can’t because I am in my pj’s.

He says if I don’t come by then he will know that I never want to see him again. I text “well, I don’t so I’ll just tell you that flat out. I’ve lost trust in you and it will never work that way. The End.” He said “wow, so youre going to break up over text messaging, really?” and I said “break up what? According to you we were just fwb anyway”.

Finally he comes by my house again. I let him in and he talked to me and said basically all the same stuff. Excuses and justifications. I told him repeatedly there is no way I can have an open relationship without trust and this makes me question everything he tells me now and that just isn’t gonna work out. He still hasn’t given an actual APOLOGY, though he said “everyone makes mistakes” and that this let him know he needs to tell me stuff in the future (as if that hadn’t been established before). I ask if he told the married woman he was going to that party and he was like “why is that important?” which lets me know he did. That makes it even worse.

He tried to hug me a few times and wrapped his arms around me and just looked like he was about to cry and said he cares about me and that’s why he was trying to avoid hurting me. Then he walked away and said well, it’s up to you now. I let him go and didn’t say a word. Now he’s texting me again and it says “I’m gonna miss you :(”.

I don’t know. The truth is I really doubt my ability to trust him now. He let me down. He’s not the honest, truthful guy I thought I’d met and who would be open and real with me. I have feelings for him, am falling in love even, but I know without trust we can’t have anything, especially a swinging, poly type relationship because that takes a huge EXTRA amount of trust in a person. Yes I craved his touch when he was here and wanted to make up but I just don’t know if I can. Every time I start to think of him sexually my mind just stops and I feel pain instead of being turned on. Maybe we will make up eventually, but how can it ever be the same? I have no idea now if he’s been lying to me about other things, like how often he sees this married woman or anything else. It’s all the deception I thought could be avoided by being “open”. I’m crushed. 😦

35 thoughts on “When being open isn’t enough

  1. I’m sorry for you. I can’t judge him, because I don’t know him. And I don’t feel I’m a trustable person either.

    But I hope you get better.

    • Thanks. Me too. I am not claiming to be perfect or anything but this is one of those things that just changes everything. If I can’t trust him to be honest about his activities then I don’t feel safe in a relationship of this kind.

      The other day, when we had gotten in the other argument I wrote about, he had gotten upset with me for not being trusting enough and I had said I was sorry and that I really did believe he was someone that deserved to be trusted and it meant a lot to me that he’d always been so honest and straight with me. Yeah….well…fuck that i guess. :/

      • The same way you defined the limits of your “open” relationship with the Professor, you should define the limits of “trust”.

        In fact trust is what people want it to be. You can lie for the benefit of the other one, maybe to keep the defined limits within your margin of tolerance/desire.

        Suppose you love someone intensely, but that person doesn’t want to put his mouth down there despite the fact you NEED it. Does it mean that you have to accept that you will never get that from him, or can you keep within his trust by not telling him that you
        get at least that part from someone else?

        I know that most would say that trust is broken, but my opinion is that we cannot satisfy someone 100%. So do they need to stay partly unsatisfied or should we consider it’s our role to let them get the missing part?

      • I think that’s part of the deal with an honestly open relationship though. You are both able to get your needs met you just need to be real and honest about what those needs are and keep each other updated. Either that or agree to be discreet and have a don’t ask/don’t tell kind of thing going on.

        My issue with the Professor is not his need to socialize at sex parties without me there. It’s that he felt the need to hide it and at the same time expected ME to be real with him about the things I am doing. He said that he just needs to do that stuff alone sometimes and he didn’t want to hurt me by doing so, but why would he assume that would hurt me? I didn’t complain when he went to a swinger party out of town (of course that was after the fact, but I didn’t know that).

        I’m crushed by his level of dishonesty because it’s like how can I even look at you the same way and have the same respect for you when you portrayed yourself as someone who was TELLING me everything. I’ve forgiven but I’m not going to forget and that affects my ability to be vulnerable with him or to believe in what he says to me in the future. How can I swing with someone who is not being real?

        It’s not his needs or getting them fulfilled that bothers me, it’s the hypocrisy and way he’s going about it. If you have needs that you want fulfilled elsewhere stand up and say so and quit trying to pussyfoot around. I don’t know. It just really, really gets to me that he LIED. It’s COWARDLY. Like that night he probably told me he was going to bed and not feeling well and then ran off to a party that he told me he didn’t want to go to. If you are hiding something like that it makes me think you are hiding more and I can’t know if you are ever telling me the truth when you say things in the future. UGGGHHH…..

        I had just told him the other night how I really, really appreciated that he was straight up and honest with me and that it meant a lot to me. Um, yeah….maybe not so much.

      • I understand your situation. If at least he was not being jealous or preventing YOU from doing what you want on your side, it would be OK. But I think the relationship is biaised and he took advantage of you being probably nicer and accepting. I agree it sucks.

        Well, I suppose there are tons of other opportunities out there… It will certainly take some time before you establish another relation of this kind, but well, life is a continuous change… Carpe diem! 🙂

  2. Great post. Again an insight into how a woman’s brain works, or at least how her emotions work. I am sorry that you had to experience this, but it happened for a reason. There is a lesson in it and as usual you have to seek that lesson. You create your own reality.
    Central to polyamory is a continuous open and HONEST conversation. However, you both failed to make that happen, and there is no fault. It is not easy to do this. You may want to read a book I recently read on Polyamory that I cannot recommend more highly by Tristan Taormino called Opening Up – he also has a website http://www.openingup.net. It may help with this and future polyamorous relationships.
    Good luck.

    –Ryker–

    • Thank you so much. I am going to go look at that book and see about purchasing it. I’ve had plenty of relationships that were not monogamous but this is my first time with someone trying to be open, The huge appeal of it was not having to WORRY that the other person was hiding things from me. Now I don’t know how I could ever believe that again. I like him so much but part of what I was falling in love with was his seeming honesty and trustworthiness. It makes me wonder if there is anyone who could really be trusted in a situation like this or if people are just gonna lie anyway, like they so often do in “monogamous” relationships.

      • I agree that is one of the major appeals of polyamory – supposedly not having to worry about the people you are with hiding things from you. The only issue with it is that it is a process. If fully mastered then you will cease to lie, and if fully mastered by your partners they will cease to lie. But who of us is a master yet?
        All polyamorous people come from a belief system that monogamy was the only way, we lived this, and most of us (by nature polyamorous) learned to cheat and lie to try and fit our square pegs into the circular monogamous world. So all of a sudden we discover there is another way – become polyamorous. Only problem is we have spent years lying and cheating like everyone else, we have to unlearn this, and it is a process, we fail often at it and revert to hiding things because we get lazy fearful and do not feel like having the open and frank conversation that true polyamory requires.
        This is what happened with your professor. It has happened to all of us starting on this road, and any time we let down our guard it will happen again.

      • Thanks so much for your insight. I believe you are probably correct that people have become so accustomed to the idea that they need to cover things up that it is hard to change their behavior in an “open” relationship. I also understand not wanting to hurt me and that is what he said was his main motivation.

        Still, it just makes it so hard to have faith in him and the whole concept again. I really WANTED to be able to trust and believe in him as someone that was going to be straight with me. Now I feel all lost and like I don’t know if anything he says is even truth. How do I know he hasn’t been lying about all sorts of other stuff or that he won’t in the future? :/

        I like him so much and I wanted things to work out but this may be more than I can handle. If he really feels so stifled by me that he thinks he has to lie then why even try this being open stuff? I mean he can run around to all the swinger parties he wants without telling anyone if he isn’t in any kind of relationship with someone.

        I said something of that effect to him and he was like but I want you AND I want to have the freedom to do stuff like that at the same time. Isn’t THAT the whole freaking POINT of being open though? To be fair I think this is his first attempt at doing this with a woman that is not already married or in a relationship with someone else and he is “new” at it too. Still, I’m just so freaking disappointed. I don’t know how long it’s gonna take to get over this or if I should even try.

  3. It is OK to be disappointed and OK to express that – in fact you really have to, and clearly and without blaming. Use nonviolent communication – you can find books on that by Marshall Rosenberg. Nonviolent communication is a foundation in polyamory, without it you will likely fail every time.
    If you want a suggestion. If you really like/love this guy then perhaps you should both read Opening Up together and follow its advice and start LEARNING how to do an open relationship well. If you do that I think you will find that your relationship deepens and you will both learn to not hide things from each other.

    • I was looking at the reviews of Opening Up and put it on my wish list on Amazon. I don’t know what will become of things between the Professor and I but it is definitely something I would consider reading and maybe eventually could show him if we are still seeing each other. I’ll have to look into the nonviolent communication stuff too. Thanks very much for the recommendations!

  4. Wow. Given my limited experience with alternative lifestyles, I can’t say that I have much insight or advice here. But that totally sucks. I know when my ex had kept things from me and outright lied, it hurt really badly. I’m so sorry you had to go through this. 😦

    • Thanks. He’s apologized to me now and I told him I’m not going to hide the fact that it hurts but I can forgive him. I just feel it is important to have honesty in an open relationship and he agreed. So, hopefully we will be able to work things out. It does hurt but maybe I will be able to give him some time to earn back my trust.

  5. Being open means being open the way YOU want to be open and not someone else’s idea. Reading this account of you being out with him had me gnashing my teeth because it’s a behavior seen too many times in the lifestyle – the guy wants to do his thing while keeping the gal on a leash and making her sexual choices for her.

    If I did that to my lady, not only would she try to kick my ass but I would deserve to have my ass kicked. Sure we swing together… but to not let her do whoever – and whatever – she wants to do defeats the purpose for her and, ultimately, for us as a couple. And that dishonesty thing NEVER works when you’re trying to dive into the life; as I kinda like to say, if he’s being dishonest about this stuff, what else might he be dishonest about? I’m not trying to turn you against him but, uh, if it were me – and I was of a mind to forgive him – we would be having one hell of a conversation about how shit would flow going forward because you don’t have to tolerate this shit from him, not when you can do very well by yourself as a single woman in the life.

    I apologize if my comments seem harsh but the Professor displays lifestyle behavior I have zero tolerance for because it gives men in the life a worst name than we already have.

    • Yeah, I really am starting to see how much he wants to apply that double standard and hold me back. I was texting a bit with him last night about it and he had said how he “needs” that time away to “socialize”. Okay, so I said maybe it would be good for me to get some time away to socialize too and would it bother him if I went to some swinger parties alone. He admitted that YES, it would bug him, but still thinks its okay for him to have that “need”. I said that is unfair but he really seems to not understand the hypocrisy of it all.

      Your lady sounds like she knows what she wants and gets it, which is great. I have to watch my tendency to be more submissive to a guy (even outside the bedroom) and go along with things I don’t necessarily feel are fair to please him and avoid hurting HIS feelings, because I DON’T want to be a doormat.

      As for the dishonesty, yes, it really makes me question WHAT I have to worry about him being dishonest about now. If he’d lie about that who knows what other things he could be lying to me about or covering up. He agreed that he was dishonest and that he shouldn’t have been and that it needs to be different in the future.

      If we are going to continue this though, I am going to have to let go of my distrust somewhat and give him another chance. I don’t want to hold onto it or it will constantly be causing us problems. At this point I am asking him a lot of questions and trying to figure out whether it is gonna work.

      I also have some questions as to why he felt it necessary to sneak off. I can’t imagine how our relationship could feel stifling to him at this point. That month we had seen each other a total of 3 times for sex and a couple other times briefly but I’m certainly not tying him down or anything. I’ve never told him he can’t sleep with people. I’ve never said he has to take me with him to parties or even implied it. When I asked if he felt like I was some sort of ball and chain or something he claimed no and that I just don’t understand. Well, yeah, I really don’t.

      In any case, I made some plans to meet another guy this weekend. I haven’t mentioned it to the Professor yet but I will tell him and he won’t like it. Most times my free time is spent with him but if I feel like a drag to him then I definitely don’t want to be assuming that we will be together.

      • I understand what you’re saying but unless your life is that tightly bound to the Professor’s, well, some equality in this is called for; he can’t want to do his thing and regardless to how you feel about it but then he’s putting the shackles on you and only allowing you to experience what he wants you to experience and when that’s supposed to happen.

        Of course, handle your business and in the best way you see fit but take it from someone who’s been in the life since I was 19 – that double standard shit leads to trouble… and mostly for you.

      • True. The open relationship was his idea and I’ve mostly been listening to him because I’ve never tried this before but a lot of times when I feel upset about anything he’s like “that’s just part of the lifestyle”, like I have to get used to it. Well, when the shoe is on the other foot he is going to have to get used to it too because me doing stuff is also “part of the lifestyle” too, right?

        It’s true that for me my natural tendency when I fall for someone is to shut other guys out more and want to make him feel good by NOT playing around. So that is something I have to fight against and just go ahead and do things with other people too. He’s been telling me how he HASN’T been playing lately so of course that makes me feel more guilt if I do too, but now I’m not so sure that is the case, since he’s running off to swinger parties behind my back. :p

  6. Sorry to read you are going through all this, I guess leaving a message is my way of trying to be supportive – woman to woman – but I have no advice to offer, each relationship dynamic is different and there is no one way or right way to do anything. I did read it this entry though, the whole thing, my own way of listening… best to you, Pyx.

  7. Yeah, it can be a bit of an issue getting your head around being able to play when the ‘natural’ tendency is to not play. But since you’re in the life now, all I’m saying that you and the Prof should get on the same page about this; it’s just my opinion – and the pyx is right when she says each dynamic is different – that him doing whatever he wants to do, who he wants to do, and when he wants to do it – but not giving you that same freedom – is pretty foul. Like when the Black guy asked if you wanted to play? I can understand if Black men ain’t your cup of tea – but for him to say no for you and kinda catch an attitude about it? That stinks of a behavior seen in the life that most folks don’t like – but people do it all the time.

    What it does is affect how YOU enjoy being able to play and, forgive me, if you’re doing it to make him happy, I think that’s the wrong reason for being in the life.

    Handle your business, girlfriend, and I do hope things get better for you with the Prof…

    • To be fair I think he would have been a little more accepting if I hadn’t been upset with him at the time. That was probably making him more insecure about sharing me and I do understand that. He kept saying I hadn’t kissed HIM yet, which was true.

      He usually doesn’t tell me not to play with people. I know it is hard for him anyway but then again it is for me too when he is off sleeping with someone else. I want him to be honest about his feelings and for me to be able to be about mine so that we can learn to do this better.

      We definitely have some things to work on. Things are still a little stressed because we haven’t really had a chance to talk it all out. We have both been busy and now he is sick. He said he understood I need to talk about it so we hopefully will eventually but in the meantime we are getting along fine just not talking much about it yet.

      I’m considering a date tonight with a new guy that I know he isn’t going to be thrilled about and now that he is sick I feel kinda bad too. I am going to have to tell him and hopefully offer him some reassurance along with it. I need to do this though because if we are going to be open and especially if he is doing stuff I don’t even know about I have to keep my interactions with other people going too or I will get too attached and it all will upset me more.

  8. Hey hun, I dunno what to say especially since I’m not into poly-relationships, I know they take a lot of trust; but I seriously think that men and women have different expectations from each other. I’m sorry to hear that you’re falling for this guy, and it seems that he’s trying but don’t let him see you as a convenience in his life (take for granted). Maybe its time you guys re-evaluated the relationship, maybe time to be exclusive? Sometimes people think with poly or open relationships its ok to just do whatever when its not. in fact, you have to be more honest in poly situation then you do monogamous partner.

    • What you – and anyone else reading this – should understand that regardless of what kind of relationship you’re in, you gotta have rules. If you’re open or poly, that doesn’t mean there are no rules – there are very different rules and without them, chaos and drama will hound you like a bad habit. You don’t require any more ‘honesty’ being non-monogamous than you do being monogamous; you have to understand what the rules are and then, most importantly, ABIDE BY THEM without fail or excuse; otherwise, even the most monogamous of relationships is going to fail. You are right about one thing: It requires a very high degree of trust and communication; fail in either of these things – monogamous or not – and you will be hosed beyond your wildest nightmares.

      • True. Gotta play by the rules. Some people (inexperience young men) may feel that BDSM and poly relationships is anything goes. But that’s not true.

      • This particular rabbit hole goes VERY deep; it’s complicated and that’s putting it mildly. I like to quote the wise and sage Yoda in this situation: “You must unlearn what you have learned…” and “Do or do not – there is no try…” Sounds funny but it’s a truism that can be applied to not only this topic but relationships as a whole.

    • Yeah, we actually just went through a breakup. A lot of it was based on the same premise though, we had different ideas of how the relationship should be handled. I do think some of it IS a male/female difference but someone’s gotta budge to make it work!

      Recently I overheard my 13 year old son watching an episode of Family Guy on Netflix and the woman said “It will never work out, I’m a woman, you’re a man, we’re just too DIFFERENT” LOL Yeah, I can relate. 😉

  9. Pingback: Plotting my revenge… | lifeofalovergirl

  10. Pingback: The Referee and things the Prof never told me… | lifeofalovergirl

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