I cannot tell a lie…

caught

Caught! Red handed, lol. The same day as I wrote my last post about feeling guilty hiding my activities with Mr. Fuck Buddy from the Professor, he found out! He questioned me and I couldn’t lie. Dammit!!

I suck at being a liar, I really do. I don’t know how the Hell I managed to carry on an affair while I was married to my ex- husband. When confronted with something I usually feel an overarching NEED to be honest with people. It gets me in trouble sometimes. I guess the reason the ex never found out was because he never asked, lol. I probably would have told him. :p

Anyhow, for some unknown reason the Professor just HAD to comment via text that he was surprised my Fuck Buddy hadn’t hit me up that day. So of course I went all George Washington and the Cherry Tree on his ass and had to come forth with yeah, he contacted me and I saw him earlier but didn’t want to bug you with that information while you were on your drive. He drives past the fuck buddy’s city every time he goes back home to visit and always has to comment, so maybe that’s what made him think about it, I don’t know. It’s funny because I could care less, I’ve never even been there but he’s always got something to say about it like “maybe I should stop by and see your friend” :p.

He said he understood my reasoning, after a bit, but he was still upset by the fact that I had fucked the other guy. He wasn’t upset at me for doing it, because it is technically allowed and he wasn’t upset at me for waiting to tell him, but he was bothered by it just the same.

I’m not sure what, exactly, it is that upsets him honestly. I mean, he wants to be open. He wants us to swing. He wants me to accept his relationship with this married woman that he sees and who is in love with him. Yet, me fucking a guy that I have no emotional ties with whatsoever seems to really get to him.

This is one of those things I find really confusing about men. If there is no concern about the emotional relationship and you are generally okay with outside sexual activity for yourself, then why is it so hard when she fucks another man? What is it guys are thinking and what are they worried about? I mean, there’s not much chance this guy is going to snatch me away from the Professor, so why does he stress? What kinds of things are going through his head? What is he imagining? I’m genuinely curious! Would love to hear a man’s thoughts on the matter.

I do understand that it is easy to be hypocritical. It’s easy to want another person all to yourself while you want to sleep with others because you feel you can trust yourself but another person, maybe not so much. I tried to bring this up because the Professor was talking about how I got upset with him recently regarding the note from the married woman. Apparently he thinks that makes ME a hypocrite, since I turned around and slept with someone different afterwards. I can see that, but then he was saying during that time that all he really wants is a FWB relationship. So if that’s all you want, then I’m gonna have to fuck other people in order to keep my emotions in check. I’ve explained that but I’m still not sure he really understands where I’m coming from. Or at least he pretends not to. He kept saying he really didn’t get what I meant when I tried to point out that his actions were just as hypocritical seeming as mine.

So I just dropped the topic. Whatever. He HAS to get that, right? He has to get that me fucking someone isn’t any different than him doing so. That it is even less of a threat because I am not emotionally attached seems obvious to me. Or is it? How do men see this? I am so confused about what goes on in their heads regarding women and sex sometimes.

We are in an open relationship and I do understand that it still causes a person some emotional distress to know someone you like and are fucking is with another person. It does for me too. Still I sometimes get frustrated afterwards, feeling like I have to go out of my way to make him feel better because it bothers him so much when I do so. I do it, because I care about him and because I want my feelings understood as well when the shoe is on the other foot, but sometimes it’s tiring. He SAYS I don’t have to do that, but his actions seem to indicate otherwise.

Thankfully all was better by Christmas Eve and we were happy and talking like normal but it took him a bit to work through stuff. When I first told him he was upset enough to leave from his family for a bit and go out to walk his dog and text me to talk about it. I told him I missed him and he was like “this is not a great time to tell me you miss me”. Sigh… 😦 It makes me feel all guilty and bad like I’m doing something wrong or hurting him, but technically I’m NOT. He did say he wasn’t as upset as usual though.

Anyway, all is calm and bright now and I had a great Christmas! 🙂 I heard from all the guys I talk to except for the married one. I didn’t want to even tell him Merry Christmas because the one time we got caught texting each other was on Easter. :/ I figure I’ll leave his holidays alone and we’ll probably talk sometime again soon. 😉 The Professor gave me some cute workout clothes (I work out nearly every day) and a gift card to buy myself more stuff, yay! 🙂 He seemed excited about his massage school gift certificate too. He made a comment beforehand about the present I was giving him being the only one he’d probably get ON Christmas day. Hmmmm….makes me wonder about the married woman but trying not to think about that too much. Maybe she gave him something early but I’m gonna assume the best and that he’s not seeing her without telling me because with all his concern about me that would be pretty messed up! :p

15 thoughts on “I cannot tell a lie…

  1. Do you really need an explanation for this? I guess you and many other women do, as I and many other men do for women’s behaviours and emotions.
    It has to do with evolutionary psychology. No matter how much our culture has evolved and no matter how much we would like not to feel jealousy and despise it in ourselves it is there because we are male and we are of the homo sapiens species. Once hopefully we evolve into homo superior or whatever comes next maybe we can get over this issue.
    In the meantime, female humans have hidden conception (in other words it is impossible to be sure who the father of the fetus is) [sure we have DNA tests now but we did not when we were cavemen]. Since there is hidden conception, human males evolved with a stronger mental module of sexual jealousy which causes them to act in ways that decrease the risk that they will be wasting their resources (MPI) bringing up some other man’s child.
    Women on the other hand evolved with a stronger mental module of emotional jealousy which causes them to act in ways that decrease the risk that men will use their resources (MPI) on other women and their children.
    MPI = male paternal investment – it is what women look for in a man and how women judge men – their emotional and social resources, how popular they are, their social standing, their leadership ability, their sense of humour, their physical health, how many other women they attract and how hot those other women are, their shoes in fact every detail you can imagine gets factored into women evaluating MPI.
    Men, on the other hand, really only look at one thing – fertility, as shown by youth and physical and facial attractiveness.
    Bottom line as a guy – even though you may be polyamorous and believe in it to your core, and truly rationally be OK with your lover having other male lovers. The knowledge of another man’s penis in your woman activates the mental module for sexual jealousy – its primal and unavoidable for most men, as is emotional jealousy for most women.
    By the way, a human being has both mental modules – i.e. men have emotional jealousy too and women sexual jealousy – but testosterone makes sexual jealousy stronger in most men and estrogen emotional jealousy stronger in most women.

    • Thanks. I guess I understand on some level, it’s just hard to comprehend what is actually going through their heads at the time. If it’s anything like emotional jealousy feels to me then it IS very hard to overcome, even when you are trying your best. I think a man has to be at least somewhat emotionally invested in a woman before he feels those jealous feelings though because my “strictly just a fuck buddy” guy shows no signs whatsoever. He was casually asking me all about my last swinging encounter and about the last time I slept with the Professor the last time I saw him and while he was putting on the condom and about to enter me, lol. He didn’t seem the least bit fazed.

      • you are absolutely correct on both counts
        1. It is very hard to overcome – even if you do not rationally believe in the Madonna-Whore complex you still get irrationally sexually jealous.
        2. you do not get sexually jealous unless you have some emotional investment in the woman – in other words our sexual jealousy is our emotional jealousy – if you get that…
        When I am not emotionally invested I am just like your strictly fuck buddy, when I love the woman I am like the professor.

      • I can understand that and I do understand its hard. I guess with open relationships you really have to work on both your own feelings and on helping the other person through theirs. I’m still up in the air as to whether this is harder than a monagamous relationship or not. There are upsides and downsides to both.

      • Thanks for another awesome article girl!

        And thanks for the insight montrealthreesomes!

        I had almost the same problem with my fb yesterday. So I really had to laugh seeing that article today. XD Reading your blog, I feel like I kinda walk in your shoes. But the difference is that I just get started, while you are in that lifestyle for a while already. I love reading about your experiences for that matter. I learn a lot. Thanks again. xo, Jai

  2. Reblogged this on The Romantic Misogynist and commented:
    I’m not sure what, exactly, it is that upsets him honestly. I mean, he wants to be open. He wants us to swing. He wants me to accept his relationship with this married woman that he sees and who is in love with him. Yet, me fucking a guy that I have no emotional ties with whatsoever seems to really get to him.
    This is one of those things I find really confusing about men. If there is no concern about the emotional relationship and you are generally okay with outside sexual activity for yourself, then why is it so hard when she fucks another man? What is it guys are thinking and what are they worried about?
    Would love to hear a man’s thoughts on the matter.
    I like it when I am presented with a pointed question, one that forces me to think. The answers usually come easy to me…as to what guys are thinking…but I have an almost instant desire to “temper” my response and analyze it as to WHY my answers are as such.
    The first things that came to mind as to why this fellow may have some stress over her having sex with another man were:
    Control
    I feel that in general, most men desire to have some sort of control over (possession of) women, especially when it comes to the sexual arena. In many cases this is not even a conscious thought. I don’t specifically think about controlling my partner in any way…but if I think deeper…
    One of the “unwritten rules” of a monogamous marriage is that I “possess” my wife sexually…and vice versa. That is to say that I am supposed to be the only man that she has sex with. If the couple are highly sexually compatible there will most likely be a desire on behalf of each partner to keep the other “all to themselves”.
    If I were in an open relationship(s) I am sure there would be some sort of emotional response to my partner having sex with someone else. Assuming that she is good in bed… I know ( I can almost feel it) how much pleasure that she can give/is giving HIM. I know how much he is enjoying the ride…and that bother me. Even if I am totally ok with it…we have discussed it, and are practising swingers…I think there would still be a possession “thing” that would go through my head. I don’t want HIM to enjoy your sexuality….but I know that he is.
    I don’t want you to enjoy HIS sexuality…but I know that you are.
    It is a double-edged sword.
    Competition
    I feel that men have inherent competition when it comes to sex. So we have an open relationship and you just had sex with another man. You tell me that you had fun but it wasn’t that great. Yesss! Oh…I mean sorry to hear that! Yesss! I think that a good lover always wants to be the best, always wants to be the one that provides the greatest level of sexual pleasure for his partner. If there is ANY reason whatsoever that (at least in his mind) that he may not be the “best” lover for you…competition plays a role. If I know that my partner’s other lover possesses some attribute that I cannot compete with…and I know that this particular attribute is something she admires…I may show a negative emotional response.
    Jealousy
    In general, I feel that jealousy is the overall negative emotional response that would be shown by Lover A regarding her having sex with Lover B. Jealousy…alongside the other aforementioned aspects is an emotional response that is hard to completely control. I don’t think that any of these emotions come into play if there is no emotional commitment…if the lovers truly had a no strings arrangement. That is the issue here…can two people that are “involved” and have a sexually open relationship really pretend that there are no strings involved?
    I have to admit that I have never been in an NSA situation. I have never had the opportunity to experience sex without some sort of emotional attachment. Other than paying for sex with a prostitute I can’t imagine having NO emotional response…even if the ONLY responses were possessiveness, competition and jealousy. I know that if I were to swing with my wife the excitement would in fact be the emotional teeter-totter within me…jealousy that HE was experiencing her sexual talents and excitement that HE was experiencing her sexual talents.

  3. Pingback: Was it good for you two? « The Romantic Misogynist

  4. @Average Guy – I completely agree with what you wrote and those are the exact emotions and reasons that go through me if there is any emotional feeling towards the woman. As stated, in my previous comments the reasons why these exist is evolutionay and therefore to some extent cannot be controlled for – the sexual competition part goes down even to the level of sperm competition by the way and a great book called Sperm Wars has been written on that subject,

    Regards

    –Ryeker–

    • I’ve read (and own) Sperm Wars and it is an interesting book. I don’t agree with everything the author wrote (such as his supposed reasons for women wanting oral sex, I feel he is pretty off in that regard) but a lot of it does make sense.

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