I don’t want to be a man hater. I really don’t. I want so much to be able to love and trust men, without fear. It seems like I am always hopeful, always looking for the best in every guy that I have a relationship with. Yet every time, every freaking time, they disappoint.
Once, the guy I had an affair with got an earful from me that had something to do with how frustrating I found both men and computers. I said anything else I can understand, be patient with and handle. Like I can handle a bunch of small children, but give me a man or a computer and I am fucked (heh, no pun intended, but…). His response was “that’s because you expect men and computers to be perfect, and they’re not”.
Okay, I had to mull over that one for a bit, because I think it’s true. My expectations regarding the male species are pretty darn high. I don’t think it’s just me either. Women, in general, seem to want the impossible out of men, at least in comparison to what they are actually like in reality. It’s like sheesh, can’t you just read my mind and do things exactly the way I want you to? That would make it sooo much easier, seriously, thanks in advance.
For real though, why does it have to be so hard? Why do men and women have such a difficult time communicating and meeting one another’s needs? It’s like all the relationship books and theories in the world just don’t cut it in real life. We STILL can’t get along! Not even when all the “experts” spell it out for us in detail.
When I first got married someone gave me the book “Men are From Mars, Women are From Venus”. I wanted to read it but my ex- husband railed about how bad secular psychology was and how the only psychology book we needed was the Bible, so I put it in a box in the attic. Years later, when we were going through our divorce (and after having read quite a few marriage and relationship books from a Christian perspective in addition to the Bible), I found it and read it. Lots of interesting advice that seemed like it would help with some men, but almost totally useless when it came to the ex because he didn’t seem like the typical male at all in his attitude or patterns of behavior.
I was having my affair at the time though and actually did find some of the information helpful during our arguments because he and I seemed to pretty well fit the typical male/female types. I wouldn’t agree with all of the advice and some of it was corny, but the idea of men being like rubber bands and needing to go into their caves was eye opening for me and helped me to understand and give more space. So there was some good advice as far as understanding men and their general weirdness.
Men are always complaining about how complex and confusing women are. No dudes, it’s not us, it’s YOU, lol. Sometimes the things you do and say just make NO sense whatsoever!
Anyway, what I’m getting to is that the Professor and I are having some issues. 😦 I am broken and I don’t know what to do. I hate that having feelings for someone seems to make things so much more complicated.
Actually, I’d been thinking for a while about writing some POSITIVE things about him. He’s been really wonderful to me in ways no other guy really ever has in my life and I am most definitely falling harder than I would like for this man. Harder than I would like because having FEELINGS starts to stress me out. Everything stops being so simple when you get vulnerable with a person.
I feel like overall things with us have been GREAT, really. I adore the heck out of him and have opened up and trust him more and more all the time. He talks to me too. We are supposed to be open about our sexual activity and I THINK he is telling me when he is with other women. I know on my end I have been completely honest as far as what I am doing and with whom. It was his idea to tell each other things and I’ve been happy because I just felt like he was being real with me and it took away a lot of the worry I have had in other relationships.
I’m not saying the poly thing is easy, for either of us really. He gets upset when I sleep with other men. Not angry with me, but he admits that it affects him emotionally. He won’t sleep with me on the same day that I have been with someone else (unless we are swinging together) and it takes him a bit to “get over” it afterwards, which leaves me feeling kind of guilty. I hate to hurt him in any way because I really like him. For that reason and because of his cancer scare, I had cut back quite a bit on meeting with other guys. I wanted to take away as much of his stress and worry as possible. I decided no NEW men until the coast was clear. Thankfully he didn’t have cancer but he is still on meds for an inflamed prostate and slowed down his outside activities so I have still been holding back a bit.
So the past couple months he hasn’t been with anyone else but me. At least that’s what he’s saying and we are supposed to tell each other. Me, on the other hand, I have been with my fuck buddy a couple of times and once with Mr. Former Affair guy. The rest of the time it’s just been the Professor. However, there is always this married woman that is in love with him long distance lurking in the background. I have to keep reminding myself of that because it’s so easy to forget and want to start getting comfortable with the idea that he is MINE.
I’m not too fond of this married woman. It seems, from my end, that she makes attempts at sabotaging the relationship I have with the Professor whenever she gets a chance. She was around six months before me and according to the Professor was having a hard time with me being in his life. He claimed, at least in the beginning, that she was more in love with him than vice versa. She’s a decade older than the Professor (so almost 20 years older than me), rich, and has been married for a long time. I guess she isn’t in love with her husband and he still “allows” her to come visit once a month or so and stay for a few days at a time. She has a key to his apartment (which I strongly resent) and is attractive despite her age (I’ve seen pics on the swinger site).
The first weekend, after he and I were seeing each other, that she came down, he completely disappeared and I was pretty hurt. He didn’t text or anything and I took it to mean he was through and didn’t want to see me again. He later said he couldn’t contact me because she was so upset about some guy standing her up that she spent the entire weekend in tears, needing his comfort. What a pathetic sounding manipulative strategy for hogging his attention. EYEROLL.
On subsequent visits we have had different issues. For example, she randomly decided to make a trip down here on my birthday weekend, when he and I were supposed to be spending time together. I was crushed. Once she came down for a set amount of days and then decided to stay an extra day, on a day he was supposed to be coming over to MY house for dinner, causing him to stand me up. I was not happy. Of course I was angry with HIM all those times because I felt he could put some limits on her obnoxious, disrespectful behavior, and he hasn’t. He doesn’t seem to see the manipulative side of it all. When I try to point it out he seems to blame ME for saying anything, which is upsetting and leads me to wonder if he is more in love with her than he is willing to admit. He CLAIMS to see neither of us as “above” the other but I sometimes have my doubts.
Anyhow HE recently had a birthday. He wanted to spend a day on the weekend before with me and I had made him a naughty video of myself which I gave to him then. We weren’t able to go out though because I got out of the house so late after problems getting my kids to their dads. We ended up hanging out at his house and having hot sex which was fun, but I felt bad that I couldn’t do more for him. He knows I am broke though and he claimed to be busy with work and coaching the rest of the week.
So on the day of his actual birthday, I left some homemade cookies on the doorstep while he was supposed to be at a meeting at work. He took an unusually long time to mention that he had seen my present and then finally texts claiming his “sister” had driven down to see him, from a city a few hours away, as a surprise. That sounded pretty suspect. I mean, his sister just randomly shows up, in the middle of a work week, from that far away, without letting him know? Without maybe checking to see if he was gonna spend it with someone else? Um…. It did however, sound like something his favorite married woman would do. She likes to randomly show up at inconvenient times and would of course want to do something for his birthday. Supposedly he hadn’t seen her for a couple of months before that.
I called him to ask if he minded me stopping by to say hi, since I was near his house anyway. He said he was at a restaurant with his “sister”. I said “you mean your sister or your married friend?” He said it was his sister and launched into some sort of excuse and I asked again, twice. He sounded like he was gonna cry so I let him go and texted to have a great birthday dinner and sorry if I was wrong. I still didn’t really believe him but I went to work out at the gym and then sat in my car afterwards mulling it over and chatting with a male friend online about what he thought. I managed to refrain from driving to his apartment to see if I could spot them or acting like a crazy stalker bitch.
Meanwhile, he calls me and he is at MY house. He wondered where I was (the gym had been closed for a bit already) and I had to rush back. He sat there and told me his sister and her boyfriend had come down but that they drove back home and we kissed and made up and all was okay, though he did ask me later where I actually was and didn’t seem to believe my story. I said I had been upset and sitting in my car outside the gym and he said that was way overthinking. Eventually he let it drop.
Okay, so LAST night we were supposed to go to this orgy party that I had discovered on Craigslist. It was an hour and a half out of town and we had to send pics to be approved because supposedly it was only good looking, in shape couples and we passed the test and were given the hotel address. So we drive all the way there and NO ONE is at the hotel room. Damn! Jerks. They didn’t even have the decency to tell us not to show up and we had rsvp’d and everything. Nice. Anyhow, I tried my best to make light of the situation and cheer him up and tease him about what we were gonna do when we got back to his place, even though it was late. We tried emailing some other couples on the drive but no luck. We ended up back at his house and had some hot one on one and I spent the night all cuddled up with him in his bed. Wonderful ending.
Only I woke up in the morning after a horrible dream about that married woman. I dreamt I got into a fight with her at his place. He had to leave to coach his team and said not to rush I could just stay in bed and lock the door when I leave.
So when I get up and go over to the dresser, where he had said to put my jewelry the night before, I can’t help but notice that my jewelry is lying on top of a brightly colored, striped notecard with a note from the married woman. It says something like “thanks Baby for a great time, sweet dreams, I miss you sooo much xoxoxoxo”, then with a message for his dog at the bottom (eyeroll). I felt sick to my stomach, but went over by his nightstand to finish putting my clothes on. In a flash I pull open the drawer where he keeps his sex toys/condoms, etc. and sure enough there is another one of those striped notecards with a little love note. In his fucking SEX drawer, so that any time he opens it he would see and think of HER. What a bitch. This HAS to be deliberate.
I should have just ripped up the stupid cards and not said anything. But no, I’m too freaking honest for my own good. I’m feeling upset about it so I feel like I NEED to verbalize that to him and tell him what I saw. I texted him that I was leaving and that I would have left a note but there was already one there. On the way out I see another similar card sticking out of a bunch of papers (you can’t miss them, they are bright as hell and I’m sure that is her intention) and yep it’s another little love note. I don’t want to see anymore but my curiosity gets the best of me. Yeah, there’s a whole fucking STACK of little love cards and Hallmark cards from her sitting next to the TV. She’s taken over the whole damn house. You’d think they were married to each other or something.
I left the house feeling flustered and awful and sick to my stomach and like I was gonna cry. She had to have been there recently because I had never noticed the card on the dresser before. How could I miss that? It was in plain sight and I know I’ve put my phone and stuff on there. I figure it wasn’t really his “sister” after all, which means he is not really someone I can trust to keep his word. I am really upset now but don’t text and have to run off to an appt with my children.
He finally responded like 2 hours later and said that it was a card that has been there forever. I made a snappy comment about it being nice of his “sister”. He said ok, we will talk later. Later, I have calmed down a bit but done some crying and decide to just be honest (dammit there I go again) and tell him that seeing it hurt me. He says it’s my own fault for being hurt. WTF? Then he accuses me of not locking his door. What? I totally made sure to do so.
This is where it all goes to pot. All I needed was for him to say something like “hey I’m really sorry you had to see that. It’s been there forever and I didn’t mean for it to hurt you” and all would be good. But no, he is a male. He can’t do that. He blames ME for having hurt feelings and gets me all upset and I tell him that if he can’t understand my feelings then I will make sure not to express them to him any further. He says he’s going to a movie and completely ignores that I am feeling bad, expresses no compassion or care whatsoever. I don’t respond. Later he texts thanks for making his bed and that he hopes my kids and I have a nice Christmas. (He had given presents for them yesterday). So I guess that implies he doesn’t want to see me again. Wonderful.
I texted back thanks for making displaying this woman’s love notes more important than my feelings. I left one last text late tonight saying thanks for the gifts my kids will love them and that I had sent him a gift he will get eventually but he may not know it was from me since I had called him Baby and signed it with xoxoxoxo. (Implying that he may think its from her…it was a gift certificate for an hour long massage at a local massage school. I had been pretty excited to get that for him because I know he has been having some joint pain and would love one and normally I couldn’t afford an hour long massage but lucked out at the school with prices). Guess it doesn’t matter anyway. Plus I’m sure he will get something much nicer from the very wealthy old lady he is sleeping with and apparently prioritizes over me. Maybe I do hate men after all.