The Evolution of Jealousy

Once upon a time I had hardly any jealousy whatsoever when dating guys. Back in those days, before having sex for the first time, relationships didn’t seem so complicated. I think a lot of females can relate to me there, but I’m not so sure about guys.

I remember my first “real” boyfriend, back in 8th grade, getting jealous. He was your typical, roguish, hotheaded, Italian guy who liked to get into fights. He was tall, muscular and looked way older than his 14 years. He was even sporting a bit of facial hair, which led my mother to think I was lying when I told her we were in the same grade at school. She was sure I was running off with an 18 year old, lol.

He was very much the stereotypical “bad boy”. I swear he totally dressed the part too, wife beaters, leather jacket, the whole 9 yards. His mom was a stripper.

We never had sex, though we tried. We were both still virgins and couldn’t quite get there so the most he ever got out of me was a hand job. Getting to see his cum spurt out for the first time was fascinating to me but that’s as far as we actually went.

Anyway, he was extremely possessive. He loved kissing me publicly in front of people and I was still a bit shy but went along with it. We got in trouble constantly at school for PDA. He’d get mad at other guys for looking my direction and once threw a desk over in class arguing with another boy over me.

I wasn’t even there but I heard about the incident later from friends who were in that class and was eventually called down to the Vice Principal’s office to discuss things as a “couple”. The Vice Principal was so sure that our relationship wasn’t going to last that he promised to personally take us out to a steak dinner if we could manage to date the rest of the year without breaking up. Yeah, he won that one, lol. I got sick with the flu for 3 days and couldn’t make it to school so he “cheated” on me with another girl and started dating her instead.

That being my first “real” breakup, I was pretty upset, and even cried, but it never occurred to me to blame the other girl. Well, it never occurred to me until I went back to school and my girlfriends were talking trash on her. Before that I was pretty sure it was all HIS fault.

I was sad and hurt and hadn’t really concerned myself with WHO the other girl was, but my female friends were on it. They mocked, snubbed, and played all sorts of emotional revenge games on the girl who “stole” my boyfriend. Of course they were trying to protect and “help” me, so I didn’t try to stop them and eventually came to see her as the enemy as well. I’m pretty sure she got branded as a “slut” around school due to that incident.

She and I never became friends but I went on to date (and have sex with) his best friend and HE proceeded to date all my girlfriends, one by one (yeah those same ones, but it didn’t bother me because, well, they were my FRIENDS, you know). It’s funny how behaviors are accepted when they come from people we know versus those we don’t. I’ve learned all too well how it feels to be on the other side of the coin since then, and to have all kinds of haters who know nothing about me, save the possibility that I have had sex with a guy they like. Of course no one demands evidence in cases like that.

Gosh, come to think of it I’ve been the recipient of female jealousy and hating A LOT when it was undeserved. I’ve been accused of things and sleeping with guys I never touched and even been threatened with a baseball bat and had a carful of much bigger, older girls try to jump me. The guy I was with had to step between me and them and physically ward them off.

In any case, women can be extremely jealous at times. Sad to say I eventually got there myself, and to a point I’m almost ashamed to admit. It took me a long time though. Many years of dating, having sex and being cheated on, and of being the person who was the target of all the jealousy and rage passed before I really started to understand how they were feeling.

I’d actually trace back the development of jealousy in my mind to one particular guy. HE was extremely jealous himself, to the point that it was just ridiculous. Any time a guy so much as looked at me, or stood too close, he would threaten them with their life, and people were scared of him because of who he was and his reputation in the community. That’s what I got for dating a guy who was a well known drug dealer in the area. Even the cops feared him.

Anyway, he cheated on me right and left. Any time I would turn my back he would be hitting on another girl, and I mean that literally. If we were out in public and I stepped aside for a minute to use the restroom or to walk across the room for any reason, he would be trying to get someone else’s number. He tried to hit on my close friends, on EVERYONE. It really messed with me emotionally. I couldn’t trust him at ALL. It made me question whether or not I could trust my own friends. He once went over to my best friend at the time’s house and caused she and I to get into an actual fist fight.

You might wonder WHY I stayed with this guy, but every time I tried to break up with him (and that was often) he would passionately fight to keep the relationship. He claimed to be madly in love with me. He’d apologize, he’d lie, he’d give me expensive gold jewelry and beg me to stay, even threatening suicide if I left him.

Then he’d say I COULDN’T break up with him even if I tried, that he wouldn’t LET me. He’d declare to everyone everywhere that I was “his” girl and that no one had better come near me. I once had a guy I didn’t even know, at a party, tell me not to stand too close to him because he didn’t want to die. SMH. It got to the point where he would literally stalk me after I’d attempted to break up with him. He’d even have his friends “looking out” for me and messing things up for me if I tried to talk to other guys at the club when I went out (never mind that I was actually sleeping with some of those friends during our “breakups”, they still put on a front of helping him out). They’d go up to whatever guy I was talking to and tell him I had a boyfriend whilst looking intimidating. Gee thanks guys. :p

Of course I was also emotionally involved at that point and did a few crazy things myself! He once walked out of a house party on me with another girl and I flipped. The guys working the door restrained me from going out after them and wouldn’t let me leave but I found her car in a parking lot later and smashed it up in a drunken rage. Some of the things I did that night aren’t even repeatable, but let me tell you it’s not stuff I am proud of and there were other incidents.

There’s so much more to that volatile relationship and thankfully I’ve never had another like it before or after, but I did really struggle with jealousy afterwards. It became difficult to trust guys for even little things because I’d spent a year and a half on and off with this guy who put me through the emotional wringer.

When I went away to college (and old dude was safely away in prison, finally, on drug charges and terroristic threat of a police officer) I tried to date a completely opposite type of guy. I had some insecurities and paranoia about being cheated on by that point. Even then, one of the first guys I was with and I were sitting watching the movie “Basic Instinct” with Sharon Stone in someone’s parents lake house and I remember him commenting that his old girlfriend had gotten angry with him for watching the sex scene in that movie. I was totally bewildered. Why would she be upset about actors on a screen?

I didn’t find out the answer to that question until I dated my ex-husband. I saw him as this upstanding guy who would “never” think of cheating yet I became that woman I never wanted to be, the Jealous Bitch. I wonder now if my insecurities weren’t amplified by the fact that he really WASN’T that attracted to me but I was sooo paranoid! I was positive, every time he so much as LOOKED at another woman that he was plotting to leave me. Pictures in a magazine became a very real seeming threat to me, due to his self -proclaimed “porn addiction”. Even watching a movie I was concerned about who he was looking at. Now I knew what it was like to be that girlfriend who worried while watching a sensual movie. Every time another woman so much as talked to him or stood too close, I was filled with fear. It was bad. Really bad. Yet, years later I look back on some of those incidents and wonder if my intuition wasn’t telling me something about him that I didn’t want to admit. The man was NOT really into me, it was a front, but he asked me to marry him anyway.

Anyhow, I like to think I am long over it. I have come SUCH a long way and got so much better at not being jealous as my marriage wore on. Some of it though, was due to loss of feeling and a connection. Somehow now, I am managing to take part in an OPEN relationship but I can’t say I never worry. Still if the Professor sits there and tells me he thinks some naked woman on the swinger site is “hot” I am relatively unaffected. Yay!

I kinda wonder about him though, lol. Last night we were watching Criminal Minds and he was surprised that I knew Shemar Moore’s last name. Well yeah, lmao, he’s pretty damn good looking!! Especially, when you compare him to the entire rest of the cast, lol, it’s like DAMN HE IS HOT, haha. He finally admitted that if he had to comment on a guy that he agrees with that one. Mmmm….yeah….as I was saying….

So how about you? How has jealousy or not affected your life? Do you struggle with it? Is your relationship closed or open? I think it’s a very real emotion and something we all have to deal with and face at some point in our life.

13 thoughts on “The Evolution of Jealousy

  1. yeah I struggled with jealousy when I fell in love but now I feel idiot myself, jealousy isnt a big problem for me but still I accept it as a big reality and challenge for a relationship.

  2. Loved this post! The Hubby made me an insanely jealous person, and although I had been “normally” jealous before this point, having been cheated on before, it was The Hubby that wholeheartedly turned me into a crazy bitch. Like literally a crazy bitch.

    He cheated A LOT! Before we got married, he slept with his best friends girlfriend and apparently got her pregnant. According to rumours, although never confirmed, he beat her up and she lost the baby. He slept with another girl in the bed I later spent my honeymoon in. Then there was the other girl just before we got married that, again, was never confirmed. He slept with three prostitutes when we moved to a different country, and caught gonorrhea. Then he left me for four months to work abroad, snapped the bank cards so I didn’t have any access to ANY money, to the point where I had to borrow money from my family in order to survive, and slept with four/five/six prostitutes there as well. The exact figure was never known. He admitted most of his infidelities.

    The ones before we got married, I could almost overlook. Don’t get me wrong, there were fights of course, and this is where the downward spiral to domestic abuse began. Despite all of these infidelities, I stuck with him. I’m an old fashioned kinda gal, and I believed that I would only get married the once, he would change as he grew up, etc, etc. He never did, the abuse and violence became too bad to handle, and I left.

    Now, I am an insanely jealous person. That guy destroyed me and turned me into a Bunny Boiler. I am instantly suspicious of everything and anything, a situation made much worse by the guy after him, The Big Love. I accused him of a lot, some of which actually happened, some that didn’t, and I blame myself for the trust issues within our relationship.

    Jealousy has taken a hold of me now, and I don’t trust anyone. Definitely not any man. I have, however, learned to trust my gut instinct – if something is wrong, I know it and I listen to my intuition.

    The Green Eyed Monster is a terrible thing, and can make you a nut bag if you let it. I try not to let it ruin my life, and I’m ‘healing’ myself day by day, but I honestly think it will control every relationship you have if you let it..

    Wow that was an essay hahaha! 🙂

    • I am sorry for what you went through with your husband! That must have been so difficult and no wonder it left you with feelings of jealousy that are hard to handle. The guy I mentioned above also gave me STDs and he eventually got another girl pregnant. She was 12 years old and he was 22 (I was 17 at the time). That was what finally drove me to leave him for good. She kept the baby and her parents tried to press charges against him, apparently to no avail but he went to prison for the things I mentioned above.

  3. Nafees, when you say you feel “proud and worthy” do you mean when someone gets jealous over you? I admit I do kind of like it when a man gets jealous of me, to an extent, because it shows he has strong feeling and CARES about me, but I DON’T like the type of extreme jealousy that makes me feel trapped in the relationship and I think sometimes that is what it comes to. If the person that is jealous has made it where the other person can barely look across the room without worry or guilt there is a real problem there.

  4. I am VERY jealous when it comes to John, however, he has given me such reason to be jealous. He is jealous as well, without reason. I think a little bit of jealousy is healthy, but when it results in rage? I think that is more of an obsession.

    • Yes, when someone gives you a constant reason to be jealous it makes it so much harder. Often the person who cheats more is also jealous, presumably because they are afraid of what THEY would do and project that onto you. True, rage may be more than just jealousy at play. I think when I got into a drunken rage over that guy there may have been some obsession there but I don’t think the obsession was with HIM so much as with WINNING the competition against other females. He was definitely egging that on with his behavior. Maybe it made him feel “cared about”.

      • Oh, I understand the “winning” all too well. I think I have spent my whole relationship with John making sure I never lost. I think it came to the point where it had nothing to do with John anymore, it had to do with me and his OW.

  5. This is a very honest and thoughtful post. Its interesting how jealousy is linked to both emotional abuse and a feeling of insecurity. The less you have the tighter you hold on maybe?
    Great post.

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