On being a slut

So I’ve been called a slut before. Big deal, right? I like sex. Apparently that’s a bad thing for a woman in our society, no matter how much we are told otherwise.

Honestly, I find the male attitude towards female sexuality rather puzzling and disturbing. I say the male attitude, because, let’s be real, when a woman calls another woman a “slut” it’s usually code for “I hate that stupid bitch” for whatever reason, or “stay away from my man”. That’s it. Women don’t really care how many people you’ve slept with if they consider you a FRIEND or feel neutral towards you as a person. It’s only if you are an arch enemy or a sexual threat that it becomes a concern. Movie stars are only sluts if your boyfriend is attracted to them or you just don’t like them in general to begin with.

So if a woman calls me a slut I know she either hates my guts or is afraid I’m after her guy. Ok, no big deal and I’m either going to roll my eyes or smirk upon hearing her declaration. Yawn. Unless she’s trying to start a fight, in which case, well, I’m too old for that shit, lol, please. I know she’s only jealous.

Now that we’ve got that out of the way, let’s talk about MEN, and their reason for using this terminology. From men, being called a “slut” has a completely different connotation. Men are actually CONCERNED with the number of guys you have slept with. Like, for real. WTF right?

How is this even relevant? Does sleeping with 1 person, or 10 people, or 50, or 100 REALLY make a difference in what kind of person you are, how likely you are to cheat, or what your specific relationship to THAT guy is going to be? I don’t think so!

I don’t care how many clueless guys keep posting statuses on how “you can’t make a ho a housewife” on their Facebook wall, it’s simply not a theory that is grounded in reality. Now, I will agree that you can’t MAKE her be one, but if she chooses, of her own free will, to be a monogamous housewife, her past is IRRELEVANT. A woman who has only fucked a few people in her past is JUST as capable of cheating on you as one who went wild and crazy with it and did the whole damn town. Maybe even less so, hey, she’s sown her wild oats already, JUST LIKE YOU. So often these sentiments come straight from the mouths of men who’ve been around the block a few hundred times themselves.

In any case, men will think of you as a slut or not regarding the sheer number of people you’ve slept with and what you have done. Of course their viewpoint widely varies according to their own experience level, but generally they want you to have slept with fewer people than they themselves have. EYEROLL. Like, if he’s been with 50 people and you’ve done 15, you are probably okay, but don’t you dare say 51, if you want to have any kind of relationship. It’s pertinent you find out his number FIRST so you don’t say something stupid.

Are there more open minded guys out there? Of course but guaranteed it STILL bugs him if your number is higher than his. This is why I refuse to even discuss numbers anymore with a guy.

Now don’t get me wrong, most guys will be more than happy to sleep with you if they perceive you as a “slut”. In fact, this will turn them on even more but if you are looking for commitment and a real relationship it seems to be better to play the role of the reluctant and demure maiden.

I find this Madonna/whore complex simply MADDENING. It’s absurd! Comments like “I wouldn’t want her to kiss my children with that mouth” are a dime a dozen out there. In fact, I’ve gotten little “lectures” from guys on dating sites where I checked “casual sex” as one of the options. Men telling me that I shouldn’t be asking for casual sex. Seriously. Thanks dude, for all your “concern”, but I happen to LIKE it.

Do you ever hear any such thing from women? Do we perceive a man who has been sleeping with different girls as worthless? Hardly. Sure, women will sometimes “complain” about it but often set out to be the one who finally tames the beast. Men insist on looking at a “slut” as damaged goods. Somehow, sexual experience takes away your ability to be good relationship material. That in itself seems so off. A person who has slept around has MORE relationship experience to fall back on. Granted that sometimes comes with baggage, but the same is true for men and ONE bad relationship can leave a person with enough baggage to bog down their life if they don’t learn to let it go.

So anyway, if you are polyamorous or a swinger or running around in more enlightened sexual circles this shouldn’t be a problem right? You wouldn’t think so, but I STILL come across it! Take the other night with the Professor. We got into talking about a couple of past sexual experiences. Among his was a time when he slept with three women at once. He told me the story in detail. Still, when I started to talk about my own experiences he told me that was “TMI”. ::: blink, blink ::: He didn’t want to know!

He also has chastised me for meeting men off Craigslist. Apparently this is somehow more slutty than meeting HIM off of a swinger site. Um, okay? Oh, and when I was considering a threesome with my fuck buddy and another guy and mentioned it to him he made sure to tell me he would NEVER include me in such a thing. This is from a guy who has threesomes with men and their wives regularly. I’m soooo confused!! Why is it any worse for me? I could understand him feeling jealous at the thought of me with two other men when he wasn’t there, and that is one of the reasons I kind of backed down from the idea, but to learn that he would never want to see me in that position with him and another guy was kind of eye opening.

The Professor is also always trying to make like my relationship with my fuck buddy is based on the guy treating me like crap. He can’t wrap his head around the fact that I am equally as interested in a no strings attached thing as the guy. No really, I don’t WANT it to turn emotional. I am perfectly happy with our fuck and leave arrangement. It’s like he just can’t believe that women also sometimes can benefit from that. I am a very emotional person, with SOME people, but I reserve that for those that I care about on a different level. You would think knowing that I am less attached to the other guy than him would help him feel better about things but it actually seems to bug him more.

It’s not just him either!! The Love of My Life found out some things I had done in the past, like 15 years ago, from one of his brothers and was upset by it. Really? When you were THERE back then, know I was no angel and doing just as crazy stuff as me? Come on now!

The other thing that drives me nuts is when men say “I want a lady in the street and a freak in the sheets”. No, you don’t! Quit lying!! Y’all are full of shit!! LOL The minute YOUR “lady” gets too freaky you FREAK THE FUCK OUT. Just sayin….

Ladies, I know you all know what I’m talking about because SO OFTEN when I have tried to do something more freaky with a guy I am in a relationship with or been too aggressive about seeking out sex, they put me back in my place. They may have SAID they want you to initiate things or whatever but the minute you actually TRY this you get a comment like “what are you doing?” Um….nothing….really….nevermind….Im just gonna lay here and let you decide when you want to have sex, lol. SORRY. Being a sexual pursuer as a female just doesn’t go over like it does in the movies. Men don’t like it!!

What absolutely kills me is that men seem to want women they like to appear totally virginal, even when they KNOW damn well you aren’t! Like the guy I met on AFF (ADULT Friend Finder is a sex site, for those who don’t already know) who, after drinks and being invited back to my house and making out with me on the couch, asked me if I was “really okay” with him touching my boobs and if it wasn’t “going too fast”. Like, really dude? Are we in middle school? I don’t even remember anyone saying stuff like that to me back then! Haha….

Oh, and then there was the guy off the swinger site. He’d driven 4 hours to meet me. We’d had dinner and gone back to his hotel room. I’d brought a bag to stay overnight. We’d been talking about sexual stuff for over an hour. I went into the bathroom and changed into my sexy lingerie and walked out into the bedroom area. He came over onto the bed and we were making out. Then he stops to ask me if I was “really okay” with this. I said yes. So he asks me AGAIN, TWICE, if I was “really sure” I wanted to have sex. Um, do I LOOK like I want to have sex? Then he was like “you seem nervous”. Um, no dude, YOU are nervous, lol. GAH!! I swear at that point I was about ready to tell him no, just forget it and drive me home. By the third time I was seriously wondering if he actually wanted to have sex with ME and if he was somehow not into the way I looked in my lingerie. Was there something wrong with my body? Did he not want to fuck? What the hell? LOL

I guess he wanted me to play more innocent than I actually am. That seems to be the case with men in general, really. Play dumb, play innocent, this works and makes them happy, and they wonder why women are “hard to get”? Well, duh, because GUYS have been telling us for ages that we shouldn’t be too quick to sleep with you. Pick up almost any relationship book written from a man’s viewpoint and he’s telling you if you want respect you need to wait until you’ve been dating for awhile to have sex and blah, blah, blah. Act Like A Lady, Think Like A Man.

Pssshhhh….quit complaining guys, you dug your own hole. We know damn well if we throw ourselves at you or let you know just how fun all of our previous sexual exploits were, you’ll never consider us for a relationship. And that’s what every woman WANTS, deep down, I don’t care how “slutty” she is, she wants to develop REAL RELATIONSHIPS, not JUST sexual ones (though occasional flings or NSA things are fine). So we learn how to put up a front, for your benefit. If you don’t want that then stop asking for it. Don’t shame her when she tells you about her past and let her be herself. Don’t use the number of guys she’s been with or amount of things she has done as your ruler and measuring stick to what kind of person she’ll be. There are great women who’ve had a lot of sex and total bitches who’ve done the same thing. The same can be said of virgins! Sexual experience does not define character. I’m starting to sound like Bill Clinton, ha.

Seriously though, sluttiness isn’t always a bad thing. You may miss out on a great girl because you rated her sexuality as being negative. Fear of female sexuality is why you might not be getting any right now.

While I’m at it, stop assuming that every female who sleeps around HAS to want to sleep around with every guy she meets. A woman who likes sex doesn’t have to be indiscriminate about it. Most times, we AREN’T. We still don’t want to fuck most guys and are still going to be picky. Deal with it. Because she fucked some guys you know doesn’t mean you have a hall pass to fuck her too. It’s not necessarily going to happen. Likewise just because she is “slutty” doesn’t mean she wants to do every sexual act that you do. Maybe she sleeps with a lot of guys, but still hates anal. You might have better luck with that girl who has only been with 2 guys before in her life. You just NEVER know about people.

Again, lots of sex doesn’t equal all your fantasies come true. People are individuals, treat them as so. Quit painting women as Madonnas or whores. The best of us are a bit of both. I’ve been the housewife and the ho. They really can be mutually exclusive. The question is can you be the bad boy that is also a nice guy? Cause that’s what I want, dammit! 😉

55 thoughts on “On being a slut

  1. I haven’t cared about the number of people that anyone has slept with in…well for a long damn time. Never have, never will. Are you sleeping with me, that is all I need to know. Did you learn a cool trick from whomever, awesome. Thankfully I haven’t bumped into people like you are who are care for whatever reason about a number.

  2. Inside myself it comes down to a inside self awareness… If I am uncomfortable with anything inside myself that energy will be reflected to anyone I interact with.. Men and Women both suffer from this and allow this to be the part that places labels on each other or themselves.. What ones capacity or experience to embrace is so dictated by others in society.. It is not that someone can’t match you sexually for that was not what this is about.. It is about being heard without saying a word.. If you can hear your voice inside you will then make it obvious to others.. Both Men and Women have perfected this.. Hence the suffering of always being alone inside and always speculating what others feel or think.. It takes the form of she did that? or is he serious? yes those sound fine when said… But the consistent feeling of not being fulfilled is mutual.. I really loved this post my friend… Insightful and entertaining… It is about something that still seems to be taught though… Labels.. if these didn’t exist then something more significant would be apparent… 🙂

  3. Pingback: On being a slut | nancynoregrets

  4. Great post! What it comes down to is that a lot of men start to get really insecure when they see a woman “act like a man,” which is basically what being a slut is. That’s why there really is no analogous term for men. “Manwhore” just doesn’t have the same vicious connotations. I think the only way to change this is for more women to be confident and unafraid like you! No one can hurt you if you know and accept who you are!

    • Well, I’d like to say I am totally confident and unafraid but that’s not entirely the case, lol! I do fear the opinions of those around me and mostly keep my sexual activities between myself, my lovers and other like minded people, but I’m working on that. 😉

  5. If only more men could think like that!! Im not a casual sex kind of girl but because I’d slept with 10 guys my recent ex continuously joked “I’d been on more hotel pillows than a chocolate mint” and kept joking how many guys I’d had, it got REALLY annoying!! Like it was negative just how many guys I’d been with. Most guys complain they want sex more from their girlfriends, but I find that when in a relationship with someone like me who likes sex and lots of it, seem to get threatened by a girl who wants sex daily?? Really lol?? And when asking me to “initiate sex more” PLEASE for heavens sake don’t continuously turn me down time and time again, we go back to the whole “I’ll just wait till you want sex then dear”……….

  6. Agreed, but the opinions of men will not change in one generation, I think women need to teach the men in their lives such behavior is not acceptable to women, I’m no feminist but throughout history women have been put down by men, a woman was supposed to be a good housewife and mother, the man the breadwinner, eve was the one who tempted adam to stray in the bible and as thus women have pain in childbirth and periods as eve’s punishment, in the early 1900’s women in the UK fought for the vote, it wasn’t until world war 2 that women started entering the workplace, and it was socially accepted for women to have careers because of lack of men, and were able to wear shorter garments as it used less material. In 1968 the women at the dagenham factory in the uk walked out and forced the management to give the women a pay rise (still earning less than their male counterparts) and only recently has pay been equal. Its taken 100 years so far for these changes to happen. Its ok for men to sleep around and not women (who is a slut for doing so) is just an example of how society subdues women compared to men. Mens views will change but if its taken 100 years just to get this far, then we cant expect miracles overnight 😉 Be patient, you can teach your children (the next generation) to be as open minded as you 😉

    • I agree it seems ingrained in men by society at this point and we have a long way to go. To be fair there are things women still do that are unfair to men as well but this madonna/whore stuff has got to go! LOL Fortunately there do seem to be SOME men that are getting there. 🙂

      • I just commented on the post regarding the professor’s jealousy and will remark again that thes behaviours and emotions are not ingrained by society but rather by evolution. Our society was formed by our evolutionary psychology not the other way around.

      • Perhaps that is the case, but then I wonder if it is possible for men to look at things more logically if they really put their minds to it. Because as it stands now the madonna/whore complex is a really unfair and innacurate way to judge women.

      • Sure it is possible to look at things logically if we put our minds to it, but the Madonna/Whore complex is not logical it is from the irrational reptilian part of our brain… It is evolutionarily hard-wired.

  7. It is not like us men can flip a switch and change our feelings. Many a man (including this one) has had casual sex with a slut only to have his world rocked. In the beginning there are no judgmental, double-standard, hypocritical emotions involved with dating a slut. In fact, an experienced sexually enlightened woman is actually part of the appeal .It is adventurous and cool.

    But then we fall in love. Then our minds are fucked. Then we don’t feel like the special little snowflakes because of your past.

    For most guys it is manageable if the past is out of sight and out of mind. But if you or him come into contact with your ex lovers, aka “ghosts”, then it is hard to be out the guy’s mind. Therefore he is miserable.

    So ya, it sucks. Not logical at all. But that is the way us men are wired. This is the reason the double standard exists across all cultures on the planet. Dudes don’t like seeing other dudes that have fucked the woman they love.

    • When you put it that way it sounds so heart wrenching and I can see how that is hard. Makes me think of some comments the Professor has made, like he gets pissed when he hears I’ve run into a guy that I’ve had sex with before at a restaurant. Its happened twice that he has heard about and he made some comment like “can’t take you anywhere” that hurt my feelings. Both times the guys were one night stands that were still interested in me. In any case now I know not to mention it to the Professor if its just seeing someone in passing. I’m not trying to make him think bad of me.

      • Bumping into those guys is acting as a catalyst to send his mind to a bad place.

        Men are conditioned to redirect other emotions, like sadness and jealousy, towards anger and lust. Maybe try to turn a negative into a positive and have some good angry sex with him when he has a flashback. Just a suggestion. And yes, it is manipulative…

  8. First, let me say I love your blog. Keep it going, and more so, keep enjoying your sexuality. I believe that slut is a term of endearment. A slut is a woman who truly enjoys her sexuality. The term whore is a different story. Not so nice as it implies selling ones self for sex. I think all of us in the swinging world love a good slut, and I can personally say that I’ve had great fun with some wonderful sluts.

    • I’ve heard a few guys say that 😉 I still am somewhat bothered by the term “slut” as for so many it carries a negative connotation but I do appreciate those who try and use it with flattering intentions. I love sex but I still want to be recognized as someone worth having a relationship with.

  9. Have to add that not all men care about how many guys you’ve slept with. For me, the more men a woman has been with means she’s experienced and loves sex. Both good things. And in a sexual relationship men like aggressive women. I love to swing with a woman who knows what she wants. The sex tends to be great as she really opens up. In a vanilla relationship, the aggressiveness can be toned down a notch.

      • With sex, it’s great if the woman is aggressive; meaning she knows what she wants and she goes for it. I love to please a woman. There is nothing like watching a.woman have an orgasm or orgasms, so when a woman goes for it, that’s hot. I should not have used the term vanilla relationship. I was attempting to describe a committed swinging relationship. With the sex aspect, the woman should be aggressive in getting what she wants. In the rest of a committed relationship it’s give and take for both the man and woman. Communication is key with compromise. If it’s just a FWB thing, then I say the woman should just get what they want. Trust me, the man will be happy in the end too. And if you’re both aggressive with sex, that usually makes for some long hot sessions. Hope that clarified my comment.

    • I hear guys say stuff like that and it always makes me wonder what they mean. I don’t mean to pick on you just curious how a woman goes about being aggressive in getting orgasms? Like, just jump on your cock and start riding? Lol. See that wouldn’t even make me cum. What gives me an orgasm is a man dominating ME in the bedroom so it sometimes makes me wonder if a lot of guys would see that as inadequate. I may have to turn this into a blog post to really get at my questions. 😉

      • I have to smile because I think we have a failure to communicate. I didn’t necessarily mean you would be aggressive in jumping on my cock to orgasm, but that you would be aggressive in letting the man know what you want. In your case, to have the man be more dominant. But I agree, a blog post may be in order, as we all love your blog.

  10. “Sexual experience does not define character.” Great line, great post on this topic. Sex is just a normal part of life. I have slept with a lot of men and there are people who think I should feel bad about this, the are people who say I have no respect for myself and that no man will commit to a woman like me. If I was a man I wouldn’t be judged as harshly.

  11. Pingback: “If I ask nicely, will you fuck me in the ass?” | Her Secret Library

  12. I agree with most of what you have said 100%. I hate how society treats sex in general, but also the differences between genders. and I have a love/hate relationship with the word Slut. why is it bad if a girl likes sex? but guys are expected to like sex and its a problem if they dont? Why does slut have to be such a offensive term? talk about incompatibility! and what does number have to do with anything? when I hear the word slut, I think, a girl who enjoys sex, isn’t embarrassed about it and likes to dress sexy, (aka, not a prude!) It also really grinds my gears when you hear a girl call another girl a slut because they know about someone she slept with…. oh no.. she didn’t save her virginity for marriage, what a tramp! lets go light her on fire! .. oi…
    guys brag about how many girls they sleep with, but girls are thought less for it.. wtf?
    My wife has had more partners then me, and it doesn’t bother me at all, in fact I enjoy all her dirty stories of past experiences, theres nothing she could tell me about her sexual past that would make me think less of her, and why would it? I just don’t get the double standard. its one of the things that drives me to rant.. so ill stop here…

  13. Can’t tell if you are kidding, or a non-‘typical’ addle-brained woman! Anybody (man or woman) wanting a ‘real relationship’ doesn’t fuck 100 others to find one. Humans are basically the same, excluding terrorists and true psychopaths. You find somebody you get along with, you tolerate the stuff you don’t like about ’em. When you get up into triple digits, you’re obviously NOT looking for a relationship, you have other ‘issues’. Yes, sex is fine, please enjoy to the max; but don’t kid yourself or us about ‘goals’. But enjoy the sex while you can, AND take care of yourself otherwise too. You just might be an interesting creature, as most women are …

    • Fred, that’s what society tells us but I can’t say that I agree that it is necessarily the case. I wouldn’t say someone who is in the triple digits has “issues” other than that they just enjoy sex and variety. Most of us still want relationships at some point. If we can have one AND have the sex we desire, all the better.

      • It took a fair amount of work to bring out the slut in hiding but once she got past her religious upbringing she came into her own. At times she seems to be more like a guy than a girl in how she behaves and will never hesitate to tell you what she wants.

  14. If a woman calls you a slut it doesn’t automatically mean she hates you or thinks you’re after her guy.

    So much of what you said makes so much sense and I enjoyed reading the post so I hope you don’t get me wrong. I just was rather taken aback at the harshness with which you speak of other women in the beginning of the post. You start out bashing women who disagree with your lifestyle (they either hate you or are jealous of you or think you’re trying to steal their man) and then end by supporting women who agree with it (the best of women are a bit of both Madonna and whore).

    Some women just really disagree with promiscuity because that is their opinion, as an independent free thinking woman. Sometimes society is not what tells us to think a certain way, some people choose to. Just because a woman calls you a slut does not even mean she is intending to directly insult you. Slut is not an inherently offensive term.

    I call people sluts sometimes….but only if they are a person that has a lot of casual sexual partners. The people I called sluts have all agreed with me that they are, in fact, sluts. I wasn’t being derogatory when I used the term, I was being factual. It doesn’t mean I’m jealous or insecure. It’s just a word. I realise my usage of the word is different than what you were initially referring to, but still. To claim that anyone who calls you a slut is automatically jealous, hating on you, or thinks you’re after their man is a bit piggish to be honest.

    • Hi Shannon. Welcome to my blog. 🙂

      I am going to have to say I disagree with you that “slut” is ever a positive term. Sure, it can be used jokingly between friends, but the technical definition is derogatory. The dictionary says “an immoral or dissolute woman; a prostitute” and also can mean “a dirty, slovenly woman”. Neither of those is something most of us want to be referred to as.

      I don’t have any problem with women who chose NOT to be promiscuous. That is a personal choice and one anyone should be free to make. I am definitely against pushing people into a lifestyle that they are personally uncomfortable with.

      My problem with it is when people pass judgement on others who DO enjoy varied sexual partners or experiences. I have a hard time picturing a scenario where a woman could call another woman a “slut” in a positive way if she herself has a problem with sexual promiscuity. The definition of the word, IS offensive, and is generally meant to be. There may be rare instances where someone uses it lovingly and I realize there are those that enjoy it in bed, but it is precisely BECAUSE it is usually meant to be negative that it becomes a turn on (not for me).

      • So let me get this straight… You want a “emotional” romantic partner with the whole nine yards; kissing, hanging out, cooking together ect but on the other note you want unattached fun, hot sex with other people.

        I’d say that’s definitely a swinger type of lifestyle and I thought you’d have found that by now. I, on other hand after having had a 7 year relationship end 4 years ago, now ONLY believe in polygamy. I don’t think it’s possible to be with one person… At all… Eventually one of you will crave new experience

      • Those things do sound nice, though I haven’t found a man who wants the emotional romantic partner part with me while also both sleeping with others. I feel like that is especially difficult for a woman to find. Or, maybe its just me…

  15. Pingback: Men and Madonna/Whore | lifeofalovergirl

  16. Slut is a very derogatory term, and you deserve that. Partly because you use men. Want a promotion at work? Drinks and dinner? Jewelry? Easy! Spread them legs an’ its yours. No work necessary. Want excitement? Do a married man and watch his world crumble when his family finds out.

    Or, maybe you just like gunk from random strangers shoot up in you.

    • I’ve never had sex with anyone that was in a position to give me a promotion at work. I actually have a strict no sex policy when it comes to anyone that works with me directly. Dinner and drinks are nice of course, if guys I am seeing want to buy me those I’m not going to complain but it’s much nicer to have them with a man I am interested in. I don’t really enjoy it so much when it’s not. Jewelry? Well damn, I wish I had guys buying me jewelry for sex haha- sounds nice but it hasn’t happened.

      As for married men- most of the married men I sleep with are also sleeping with other women and they would be doing it whether or not I slept with them so I can’t really credit myself if their marriage falls apart. I’m not the one who made any vows. Gunk from random strangers sounds kind of hot but I have to be careful with that, haha.

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