The problem with porn

My ex- husband claimed he was addicted to porn. So addicted, that he lacked the desire to actually have sex with a flesh and blood female. That was his story. It’s hard to say how much of that was truth, but I do know that he, like virtually every other male on the face of the planet, had some sort of relationship with women in pictures and on a screen.

I have to admit I resented the voyeuristic tendencies of men very strongly during those years. I came to view pornography as my competition, as the evil force that was out to destroy my home and family. I was angry that I was being rejected due to my husband’s obsession with women who were really only portraying a fantasy, something I could never live up to. I felt like I was being cheated on. Like seriously, you’d rather do that than fuck me?

Now I’ve come to realize that he may have been simply using that as an excuse, to cover up possible homosexual tendencies. Perhaps it was porn that involved his dominatrix fantasies, which I discovered during the divorce. I really can’t say, because he never would own up to it or let me see what he was actually watching.

I know that he had gone to porn booths, which I knew nothing about beforehand and am still a little hazy on. Apparently that involves putting change into a video player in a booth and watching movies while you jack off. Relatively harmless sounding, to me, but I’ve since heard that people actually have anonymous sexual encounters there, sometimes involving other men. Oh, so that’s why it was such a big deal. Hmmm…. He’d even supposedly talked over his “problem” with our pastor and went to a special men’s group at the church where they discussed this very issue, because so many men in the church were “struggling” with porn problems.

It’s funny because when we were dating, and I was 18, before we’d gotten to the point where he “rededicated his life to Christ” and decided he couldn’t sleep with me anymore before marriage, I’d actually tried to get him to watch a porn movie WITH me. After all, at that time in my life I knew plenty of young men who watched porn and it had never occurred to me that it might be a “problem” that needed fixing.

I’d seen a few porn movies myself, with guys mostly, and with friends and never really thought too much about it. Actually, I mostly found them more entertaining than a turn on, but they were interesting. So I dragged the ex to the xxx video store (back before the internet was so mainstream). I was curious to find something we could watch as a couple and was sadly disappointed that the whole place was filled with movies that only seemed interesting to men. I mean there were a few video covers with attractive guys on the front, but those were the gay ones. I asked the guy behind the counter for help and he pointed us in the general direction of some videos made for couples. My ex- husband looked like he wanted to crawl through the floor. He later said watching porn just wasn’t something you did with another person. Huh?

Anyway, with an odd seeming sense of trepidation, he picked out the movie. We went back home to watch it. WOW. It was horrible. SO bad that I was practically rolling on the floor laughing the entire time. This really unattractive, old, balding, fat man who couldn’t get an erection was standing there talking and his beautiful, dolled up and in sexy lingerie “wife” was doing things to try and get him turned on. Then it turned to her whipping him and him crawling on the floor and kissing her feet and begging. OMG, it was pathetic and a huge turn OFF, at least for me. I now know that those type of things excited my ex- husband, but he was afraid to tell me about it, I guess.

We were a horrible sexual match, two people who would both prefer to be submissive in bed. Not cool. I guess I’d given him a different impression in the beginning because I was so forward with sexual things and used to a certain level of expectation. Like on our first date I automatically gave him a blow job, because that’s what every other guy seemed to want. It never crossed my mind that would be seen as aggressive, but him, being sexually much more inexperienced, probably saw it as so. It was only after the date (and we’d had sex too, me climbing on his lap in the car because, well, I was horny and that’s just what you did, right?) that I realized he saw my actions as slutty and I started to backtrack and freak out, trying to portray a more ladylike image. I can kind of see why he mistook me as more dominant than I really am.

So back to porn. He claimed he rarely watched it but that it was still an addiction. I don’t get it, but that’s okay. As for me, I’ve not watched a lot of porn either. Mainly I think it’s because I’m not really a voyeur. I just don’t get that turned on by watching a dick going in and out and in and out repeatedly from the viewpoints and angles you see in porn. Whoop de do. :p Plus it’s just funny to me, the plotlines are so ridiculous and back then the skinny, hairy guys just weren’t sexy to me at all. And what is with all the attractive women and totally UNattractive men? Come on now.

I remember the first “real” porn movie I ever watched. It was called Tabu III and I watched it at a guy’s house with a bunch of other teenagers. My girlfriend and I were cracking up at the stupidity of the comments “but, you’re my mother” (OMG!!!). We laughed so hard through the whole thing, I can’t imagine it actually getting me wet. There was a lesbian scene somewhere that kinda excited me but that was about it. Wash, dry, rinse and repeat with just about every porn movie I saw back then. The soft porn was just too boring and the harder stuff was mostly funny. I did see a threesome scene with two guys and a woman standing on a roadside somewhere that I kinda liked though. 😉

Now I had seen stuff when I was younger, but it was mostly involving naked women. A friend’s dad had a playboy centerfold photo up in his garage and piles of magazines so I’d seen those, but not particularly of interest to me other than just basic curiosity. I’d also seen some sort of Showtime movie involving two women in a steam room making out naked, that was kind of hot, but most porn just really didn’t impress me. I once purchased a Playgirl, just to see what it was like but again, it only made me laugh. Some naked guy I don’t know posing is kind of funny and their idea of attractive doesn’t really jive with mine.

I guess I’m a typical female in that I’d rather READ a steamy, sexy story than watch it on the screen. That way I can fill in the pictures with my imagination. I wonder if that is because so much porn caters to men and I just haven’t seen much that would turn me on. I’m not into ugly guys fucking attractive women and never going down on them. That seems to be like 85% of the porn out there. The emotional coldness, the obvious faked orgasms (a lot of women in porn don’t even bother to fake it), the bored or “God, would you just hurry up already so I can get paid” looks on the females’ faces, it just doesn’t do anything for me.

I don’t know though, I once watched some online webcam videos of real couples having sex, with a guy friend of mine. That was incredibly boring to me too. Like one couple the woman was sitting on top of the man and spent what seemed like ages just running her nails up and down his chest. I could barely sit through it and wanted to fast forward to the “good part” just like I would have to with a regular porn movie most of the time. The same positions for a long time too, just not worth watching. I don’t get all that excited seeing people have sex in real life either, like at the swinger parties. Maybe I just need to participate. And I do kind of like being watched! 😉

Don’t get me wrong. I love to read and have written a few erotic stories of my own and I love to watch myself and guys I am into on video. I’m over the “porn is evil” mindset because it’s obvious to me that it only becomes an “issue” when you make it one. I also like to find out what kind of porn the guys I like are into because it gives me an idea about them and what they are secretly fantasizing about, and I can capitalize on that! 😉 I just hope they aren’t secretly into something I can’t provide. If they’re hoping for anal with Asian women, midgets and whip wielding dominatrixes, I’m not gonna be able to cut it, lol. It’s good to know that though, so you at least realize it’s not you, it’s him. Of course I fantasize about some things I’d never actually do, so we can’t assume every porn dream is a desired reality either.

The Love of My Life once sent me an entire file full of porn and didn’t explain why. I asked but he didn’t respond. Okay, he must want me to watch some of this? So I did and was pleasantly surprised that it was mostly amateur stuff and the women all looked very different from one another. I have to say though that one particular video may have scarred me for life. It was of a gigantic woman with a big, hairy bush. Her ass was completely covered with pimples and she was just butt booty ugly (sorry, its true!). So the guy kept oiling her ass over and over and having her wiggle and jiggle it for the camera. Boy, that was exciting. Or not. Hahaha Then he fucked her but it was just….yucky. Another one had a girl with big boobs jumping up and down on a bed for a long time naked. Okay. It seemed like some of the fucking scenes took forever to get to and I had to fastforward through all the boring “foreplay”. Most of it involved a woman sucking the guy’s dick and then sex, but she didn’t get any licking. Boooooo!! Selfish, selfish, men, who of course had to end by cumming on her face or some other act that was meant to appear degrading. Or the women would act terrified due to a guy with a gigantic dick. Snort…

He later told me he had done computer work for the porn company and that he’d only watched the first 20 seconds or so of each video because of it and was laughing at the way the people had gotten some of the women to participate. Mmmmmkay…. Well, I guess they got paid anyway, let’s hope.

I was once at the Professor’s house and he was showing me pictures he’d taken at a relative’s wedding ceremony when a site he’d been on accidentally popped up. Mature lesbian porn. So that’s what he apparently watches. Hmmmmm…. interesting. He does tend to go for the older women.

So the other day I saw a porn video someone posted on a forum that I actually kind of liked. It was this one (please don’t click link if you are under 18).

http://www.pornhub.com/view_video.php?viewkey=762251480

I’m loving how they look at each other and that she obviously enjoys it. You don’t see much of that in porn. She actually had some real orgasms too. Wow. She’s touching him and saying things that I sometimes say in the heat of the moment too so it seems more genuine. Nice. I showed it to the Professor and said this kind of reminds me of us. He agreed but said “yeah, but you cum way more than that,” which is true, especially with him, lol. That’s a relatively new development for me though. Until earlier this year, with the married man, I’d hardly cum during sex with a guy. Actually, it’s debatable if I’d ever at all, with anyone other than myself, and I’d had a fair amount of sex with a fair amount of people, some of whom were pretty darn good in bed. So it’s not all the guys fault, but that’s another topic, lol.

So what are your thoughts on porn? Do you like it? If so do you have a favorite type? Are you male or female?

9 thoughts on “The problem with porn

  1. I am not a fan of the porn at all. Presents an “idealized” view of what sex should be that has no relation to reality. I would rather watch real people with all of their flaws having sex than watch “porn perfect” people have “porn perfect” sex.

  2. That’s interesting. I have noticed there seems to be a lot more amatuer stuff floating around than there used to be, with more “real” looking people. I guess with the internet these days anyone can be a porn star so you see more everyday stuff. I’m offended by a lot of the titles though. Its like they have to call the women sluts and cunts when offering a porn video to get guys to look it up, and I hate that.

  3. Oh, porn. I don’t like anything professionally produced, and scarce little of the amateur stuff. Mostly I’ve got to be able to believe that the woman is really enjoying it, and in most of the videos they so clearly AREN’T. So yeah… meh.

  4. Yeah, it really bugs me to see a woman NOT enjoying herself during the sex. A guy sent me a porn clip to give my personal opinion on after that forum discussion I mention and the first part of it was pretty good, but the second part was awful. It looked pretty much like the poor girl was being anally raped from her attitude and the expression on her face and I was trying not to cover my face through most of it because it was stressing me out to see her look and sound so miserable. Not good. Maybe I just pay more attention to FACES than a lot of guys are probably doing when they watch porn too.

  5. Real Woman trumps Porn EVERY time, unless the woman from the porn is really in front of me. Kidding! Yes I’ve watched porn, but I’m not a voyeur, I want to get involved. Porn is fantasy exaggerated tenfold. When I am in a relationship with someone that I am attracted to, porn fades away because I want that person. Lol, I don’t even hide my porn, its at the bottom of my movie collection & I’ve told girls that (to save them the trouble of searching for it). Yes there are times where sex was not an option & I was at my wits end with arousal & I couldn’t help it, so I pulled out the porn, among other things.

    Porn is not a guide to sex, unless it’s actually called “A Guide to Sex”. Porn is what network TV flirts with showing us, but never really does. It’s the main event without the commercials. It seems good & fun while you’re escaping in that fantasy, but it doesn’t last.

    • Yeah, I wish real women always trumped porn for every guy but I guess that’s not always the case! I don’t know. I think it does set high expectations for men sometimes who are exposed to it before and more than they are exposed to real sex (most men, lol). It’s just a matter of who can separate fantasy from a fair reality.

  6. I agree with you on the fact the girl needs to enjoy it. There are a fair number of actresses who really get into sex and come in the scenes (or are really good at faking it LOL). The basic difference between us and you is that we enjoy a visual scene while women typically like to think or imagine the action. I guess that’s why they don’t have bodices rippers for men. 🙂

      • When we lived in the mid-west, one of our neighbors wrote bodice rippers and it was my first experience at reading those. She seemed to do pretty well at it. They didn’t really appeal to me but I guess they weren’t supposed to. LOL

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