The Politics of Polyamory

I am worried about the Professor. He tested as having high levels of PSA enzymes that could indicate the presence of prostate cancer. They will be doing a biopsy in a couple of weeks. I had no idea and he said he has been hurting too. 😦

I feel like I’ve been a selfish bitch. I’m over here getting annoyed because he says he’s tired and not sure if he wants sex when it could be because he’s in pain and maybe even has cancer. He’s HURTING. He says it doesn’t hurt all the time but I feel so bad. I just want to go over there and make it all better, to take away all his pain and worry.

I wish he’d have told me he was hurting but I guess that kind of thing is hard to talk about. Plus, he’s a man. Men tend to keep quiet about things and try to act tough. My dad didn’t tell anyone when he was suffering from cancer either. Then, when he died it seemed so sudden. My last conversation with him he had told me that he’d had some sort of radiation treatment and I asked why and he made it out like everything was fine. I was never able to talk to him again because he was in a near coma soon after that. He collapsed and was in excruciating pain for 3 days as his body shut down from the colon cancer. I couldn’t get to him because I didn’t have the thousands of dollars a plane ticket would have cost me and I can’t describe to you the panic and hysteria I felt at not being able to get out and see him in his last moments.

The Professor says they didn’t tell him he can’t have sex but that the medication he is currently taking may make it impossible to ejaculate, or if he does it could be very little. It also makes him really tired. He’s tired a lot anyway. He does have a busy work schedule but now I worry that maybe it’s because he has cancer.

I’ve been doing a little research online and the test they did has a reputation for a lot of false positives. I so hope the biopsy comes out okay. He said he’s actually had one before, a couple of years ago, and he was alright, but this time the levels were much higher. It’ll be a couple long excruciating weeks for him, waiting to get the test and then afterwards he’ll have some recovery time from the surgery, plus who knows what the results will be.

I’m so concerned for him. :s I had actually made a date for tonight with a new guy because I was irritated that the Professor told me that he wasn’t sure if he would be too tired to hang out and I thought it meant he was losing interest. That was before he’d told me about his doctor appointment. Now I feel awful for my attitude. I know he likes me, people really can be genuinely tired and I shouldn’t be so demanding.

Anyway, I cancelled my date. I can’t go out tonight knowing he’s at home hurting and stressed. It is hard for him when I sleep with other people and he’s not kept that any kind of secret, though he says he doesn’t want to stop me from doing so. He gets upset when I’m out with anyone else and I understand because I feel the same way. We both accept that the other is going to sleep with other people but it’s still difficult on the emotions sometimes.

When I say he gets upset, I don’t mean he is angry with me for doing so but that it makes him feel bad afterwards. He likes for me to tell him before I leave and after I am with someone so that he won’t text or try to get ahold of me during that time. He says that it would really bother him if I suddenly stopped texting and he’d start imagining that I was having sex with the other guy and it would be too much for him to take. We both have some insecurities and fears in that regard and I’m glad that we can talk about them and that he tells me how he feels.

Sometimes, after I’ve been with another guy he will ignore me for a bit while he sorts through his feelings. He says it makes him feel betrayed and angry, even though he knows it’s his own issue to deal with. I understand because I feel similarly when he’s with another woman. After a while though, we get back to normal.

For me, the sooner I can reconnect with him sexually after he’s been with someone else I start to feel better. He doesn’t like to sleep with me on the same day that I’ve been with another guy though or too soon afterwards. He’ll say he’s not ready. That part makes me feel bad. I hate to disappoint him or feel the disapproval of someone I like that much. He’s been quick to reassure me that it’s not actual disapproval, just his emotions, but it’s still hard for me to feel.

Gosh emotions mess up everything, don’t they? It’s like all the fun and games are so hard once you start FEELING for someone. He says it’s different when we are there together and playing with someone. In those instances I have felt better too because we were all having fun and included. Granted that has only happened early on in our relationship before I started to feel a little more attached. I hope I would still feel the same way.

In any case, I just couldn’t go through with the date, knowing he would be sitting at home feeling bad and unable to really do anything himself with the pain and being tired from meds. He may or may not want to spend time with me tonight, depending on how he feels. I hope he will though. I’ve assured him that I won’t pressure him for sex and he laughed. I could tell he was happy that I cancelled my date for him, even though he said I didn’t have to do that.

The guy I was gonna go out with was kind of full of himself anyway. He is a former track star, who traveled to 31 different countries running track professionally. Now he’s in the military and does electrical engineering. He’s got a great body and appears good looking from the photos but seems to think of himself like some sort of a rock star, lol. He’s told me that women just swarm him at the swinger parties. I don’t doubt that he is telling the truth but I’m sure it’s contributed to the narcissism. I suspect he may be a bit selfish in bed. When I asked what he wanted to do when he comes here and tried to hint at maybe getting drinks first he said we could just “hang out” and that I could give him a massage. Snort….

Still, I tentatively rescheduled for tomorrow. I just don’t know. The Professor and I are open and I don’t want to stop all outside involvements because that’s not the kind of relationship we have. He also has a married woman he is emotionally involved with and I know he will still be seeing her. I’m not going to cut out any of the people already involved in my life because that would be unfair to them. I’ve got two of them talking about next weekend already and need to decide what I’m gonna do there. Uggghh….sometimes polyamory stuff is hard. I don’t want to hurt him and what if he has cancer? How can I be off fucking other guys and not feel bad? :/

5 thoughts on “The Politics of Polyamory

  1. That is the dilemma how can you do what inside of you wishes to do yet on the outside you can’t help but feel responsible… I can only imagine the responsibility you will place on him if you don’t follow what you feel… It is a hard thing to come to… Yet if you listen inside yourself and do what you feel you will in fact realize each choice and weigh each option.. What you desire is within thought… what you feel is within you to know the difference.. I wish you love my friend!

  2. Re: prostate cancer, just putting this out there in case the Professor is open to it…

    http://germannewmedicine.ca/documents/sbs-prostate-cancer.html

    Because there is a mind-body connection, prostate cancer has been shown to be a physical result of a mental conflict related to sexual/gender issues. The doctor who developed this approach to cancer has a success rate of over 90% (http://www.health-science-spirit.com/hamer.html).

    I’ve written a little bit about this on my blog too: http://yourbodyisperfectintelligence.com/tag/german-new-medicine-2/

    If he resolves his conflict, the tumour should start to shrink and disappear 😉

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