Swinger party gone wrong

I’m almost embarrassed to write this. Really it was my own insecurities that ruined the night. But maybe you, dear readers, can glean something from my experience, so here goes.

This weekend I went to the third swinger party of my life. My original plans had actually been to meet with the Professor and a couple from out of town, but they cancelled on us at the last minute. The very last minute, like 5 minutes before I was due to leave out the door, they texted to inform us that they had found a single woman to play with and said that was what their first choice really was. Nice. Not really a huge deal, but annoying and didn’t get our night off to the best start.

So it was then that the Professor suggested attending a swinger party. He said that since we were already fixed up to go somewhere we might as well. The only problem, as I could see it, was that the party had a theme I wasn’t prepared to dress up for. It was a Goth/fetish night and I don’t own any clothes that fit that description.

I hemmed and hawed about what to wear and asked the Professor over text what he thought of one particular lingerie outfit he has seen parts of on me before. It’s not “Goth” but its shiny red with black lace and I would have to run by the store to get some new thigh highs. I could wear my black leather boots. He said not to worry about it. Don’t dress up, most people don’t dress up anyway. My feelings were kind of hurt that he didn’t seem excited about taking me in that outfit but I just said okay. When I called to tell the hosts we were coming the man I talked to said not to worry, he was wearing jeans and a black t-shirt because that’s “as Goth as he gets”. I actually love dressing up, and much prefer to be overdressed than underdressed for an occasion, so I was still a little worried because these were men, after all, and of course they weren’t likely to be wearing sexy clothing.

It was freezing cold outside so I finally settled on tight black leggings, my knee high, leather, high heeled, boots and a low cut, leopard print top. I threw on a chunky gold colored bracelet and some dangly earrings. Far from “Goth,” but it looked good on. Underneath I was wearing a red and black plaid bra with black lace and matching red and black lace panties. It was cold so I had to wear a coat.

The Professor picked me up and stopped by a drive thru to pick me up a salad for dinner. I thanked him and offered to pay for it but he declined, saying if I wanted to buy wine I could pay for that instead. He wouldn’t be drinking since he was driving and I was too embarrassed to admit I actually didn’t have enough money to buy a bottle of wine. So I claimed I thought it would be a good idea for me to try being sober for a change of pace. The other two parties we’d gone to I’d had fun but also been drinking. Not that alcohol, for me, is a bad thing. I don’t drink a whole lot and when I do I’m actually a super friendly drunk, not a problematic one.

We drove a little way out of town for the party and had good conversation but I was ever cognizant of the fact that he hadn’t greeted me with a kiss or any physical affection, like he usually does. When we found a parking spot and got out of his car he seemed a little distant. He asked if I needed help across the gravel and I didn’t because my shoes were high heeled, but comfortable. So he didn’t take my arm and seemed to be walking kind of fast ahead of me. Needing some kind of connection before walking into a situation where I knew there would be flirting and possibly sex with other people, I stopped him, and mentioned that he hadn’t kissed me yet. He said “oh, sorry, I forgot” and gave me a quick peck, before opening the door. My heart started to sink with disappointment and my nervousness was amplified as we walked in.

Sitting at the sign in table were three enormous women in, you guessed it, red and black lingerie. Dammit, I should have worn mine! I would have fit right in. Already I feel out of place. They flirted with the Professor as he paid and completely ignored me.

He has told me before that the wife of the host couple for the parties likes him, but she’s very overweight and he’s not attracted to that. I should probably mention that he has been in “the Lifestyle” for a couple of years and knows a lot of people in this area. I know almost no one. He’s very sociable and I know he’s slept with a lot of married women, but I don’t know which ones, except when he tells me. This makes me a little uncomfortable sometimes when he introduces me to people because I don’t know his relationship to them and if they are people he has been fucking or not. I’m not sure what the women are thinking when they see me with him. People are used to him coming alone. However, this particular party is for couples and single females. Single males aren’t even allowed. It has a reputation for being a bit cliquish. He’s told me so and I observed this at the last party we went to.

Anyway, we walk over to the drink table and fill our cups up with ice and Dr. Pepper. The male half of the host couple comes over to flirt and mentions that the Sybian machine hasn’t been set up yet but will be soon. He tells the Professor how beautiful I look and says he has something even better than the Sybian if we are interested. He sticks his finger under his tongue and wags his tongue at me then hollers over to his wife “honey, which is better, the Sybian or this”? She rolls her eyes and points at his tongue. “THAT”. He is being touchy and flirty with me and tells the Professor he must have “forgotten something outside” and acts as though he is going to pull me away. The Professor laughs and the man asks again what my name is. The Professor says a name that he has called me by accident on more than one occasion. It’s very close to my own and he claims there is a woman he has worked with for several years who is named that and it gets confusing to him. This rubs me the wrong way but I don’t say anything until the man walks away. “My name isn’t ____”, I say, half- jokingly, but not really. He laughingly apologizes.

A moment later, a young couple that apparently knows the Professor walks up to us and starts to chat with him. The woman is wearing nothing but a pair of panties and a tight half shirt. Her panties said something on the back and she turned to show the Professor while her husband encouraged him to smack her on the ass. I have no idea if these are people he has had threesomes with before or not. After slapping her ass she turns around and flashes her gigantic boobs at him and another couple that is now standing there. He finally looks over at me and introduces me to them. He laughs and tells the woman “I keep forgetting her name”. I don’t find this the least bit funny. In fact it’s pretty humiliating for him to say that to a woman he’s just been flirting with and touching all over. I’m polite but inside I’m feeling sick.

We make our way across the room to an area where there is a man whipping people with various instruments on some sort of special chair. I’m watching with interest but definitely not turned on by it at all. It’s very weird to me because the people are requesting what they want to be smacked with and the man later told me he continuously asks them questions about whether or not it’s too hard and makes sure they are comfortable. He gets paid 100 dollars an hour to do this in people’s homes, for both men and women. Crazy. I guess in my mind if I were going to participate in something like that it would have to seem more “real” and less staged. Not that I am into a lot of pain anyway, but I do like spankings, just not in the way he was administering them. He was kind of dancing around and slapping them on the back with the whips and doing something with a violet wand that shocks people.

Meanwhile another woman comes up to chat and she is very friendly and sweet. I like her immediately but not in a sexual way. She’s in her early 50’s and is being flirty with the Professor. She asks what our screen name is on the swinger site, assuming we are a couple. The Professor quickly sets her straight with “oh, we aren’t actually a couple” and tells her his. I’m polite again and flirt with him and tease a bit about his screen name to the lady but inside I feel myself tense with embarrassment that he seems so quick to brush me off again and am starting to wish I’d never come there with him.

We make our way back across to the other side of the party, checking out the empty sex swing room and some mattresses that no one is playing on yet. He seems to be walking fast, not taking my arm and really being “with” me like he has in the past. I don’t know if it’s just my imagination but I start to wonder if there is someone there he has slept with before that he doesn’t want to think he likes me too much or what. His attitude the whole night seems more distant towards me and I’m starting to feel pretty bad.

He announces that he is going to run to the restroom and get another drink. He asks where I am going to be and I say I don’t know as he leaves me standing alone in the middle of the empty dance floor and rushes off. I feel abandoned. I don’t know any of these people and this particular party is known for being a bit cliquish. There are no single men, just couples and a few extra women but many of the people don’t leave their little “groups” most of the night. I make my way over to a table on the side of the room near the refreshments and no one says a word to me as I sit down. I wonder, given his behavior tonight so far, if he is just trying to ditch me so he can talk to someone.

I watch out of the corner of my eye as he comes out of the restroom, fills up his drink and then glances in my direction. Sure enough he doesn’t walk over to me but instead heads for the Sybian room. In a flash of anger I get up and start walking in that direction. I can see his silhouette through the curtain and he is talking with a woman, touching and flirting. I get closer and hear him laughing. This is a woman I had seen earlier, dressed in a tight lingerie body suit, her ass completely hanging out in the open air. I’m sure this is why he left me. I lift open the curtain and it’s just him, the guy running the Sybian and her, from what I can see. I pause. “Oh, I’m sorry for interrupting” then turn on my heel and walk out.

“LOVERGIRL” I hear him shout as he comes after me. Now he gets my name right. I ignore him and keep walking. I just want to get away from him, anywhere. I try to get into a restroom but it’s locked so I zip across the room to another locked bathroom on the other side. My heart is racing. Someone finally opens the door and I lock myself inside. I wonder if I can stay in here the whole night. It’s freezing outside and I’m wearing a sleeveless top. I feel like crying but I don’t want to ruin my makeup so I stare at myself in the mirror, trying not to blink, my hands gripping the edge of the sink. I can’t help but notice that I actually look pretty good tonight. Why doesn’t he want to be with me? I feel awful.

Finally I get myself together enough to leave the restroom. I walk quickly back across the room to get my coat and hear the Professor again call out my name. I bang my shin into a chair but keep walking. Throwing on my coat I walk past again and out the door, the Professor on my heels. He follows me out to the hotel across the other side of the parking lot. He’s not wearing a coat and stands there trying to talk to me. I ask for my phone, which he has in his pocket but he won’t give it to me. He swears up and down that he wasn’t flirting with that woman and tells me I can even go ask her husband, who was supposedly sitting in the corner, a hugely overweight man, that I somehow had managed to miss. I tell him I don’t care if he was flirting, that’s the point of being there but I don’t appreciate being ditched for someone. He keeps acting as though I’m upset about flirting and says how he flirts with everyone. No, the point is that you LEFT me to do it.

Everything comes out. Forgetting my name, embarrassing me in front of other women by laughing about “forgetting” it even though we’ve been seeing each other and sleeping together for 3 months, saying we are not a couple and worst of all ditching me in the middle of a place where I don’t know anyone so he could go talk to someone else. He swears up and down he didn’t mean anything by it and that the only reason he went in the Sybian room was to look for me. He claims he couldn’t find me among the crowd. I find that hard to believe. I’m not very hard to spot, sitting alone to the side of the room that was full of couples.

He gets upset “do you really think I would do something like that to you?? What kind of person do you think I am?” He’s shivering in the cold with no coat and he still won’t give me my phone. He apologizes for forgetting my name but says none of the other stuff was wrong and I shouldn’t be upset. I say I just want my phone. I don’t want to go back in there. He can have fun if he wants I don’t want to stay. He drove me there but I’m thinking of calling someone or a taxi or maybe just hanging out at the hotel until it’s over. I am on a downward spiral emotionally and it’s not going to get any better when I feel like this. I say maybe he can take me home and come back. He says he’s not going to do that.

He kisses me and takes my arm, pulling me close. “Come on”. I say I really don’t want to go back in there but reluctantly agree, asking for my phone. This time I put it in my coat pocket. He makes sure to stay by my side from that point on but I’m still in a bad mood that I can’t seem to lift myself out of.

We talk to some other near naked women. A young blonde girl, who is maybe in her very early 20’s, has obviously no kids and a near perfect figure, standing there in only a pair of panties, comes up and starts talking to the Professor and I. Well, mostly him. She’s asking about his work and coaching. Her blonde, somewhat attractive husband comes up to flirt with me. He can’t believe I’ve had children he says turning me around to look at my ass. I’m not really into it though. I’m still feeling off kilter and he finally backs down, saying I seem a bit uncomfortable. Meanwhile another female in her early 20’s is rubbing on this girl from the back. The blonde girl steps aside to talk to me and says she has never full couple swapped, only played with other women. She’s nice but I’m still not feeling very secure and we move on.

Someone is on the sex swing. It’s a man, and his wife is giving him a blow job. We watch for a minute then head over by an orgy that is happening on mattresses on the floor. The Professor knows these people, at least some of them. He says he’s been to house parties with them in the past. A guy who is fucking a woman on one side of the bed calls over to the Professor and asks him if he’d like to be next. “Yes, come on” invites the woman, motioning towards her pussy, then glances at me “will she mind?” The professor looks at me. “Do whatever you want” I say. He doesn’t believe me. He later said my body language belied me. True I was pulling away. I didn’t want to stand there and watch him fuck people while I looked like an idiot on the sidelines. No one was asking me to join but another woman soon was on top of her face. I also needed to use the restroom after drinking all that pop. I told him to go ahead if he wants to, I was going to use the restroom. After managing to get past the DJ, who was trying to flirt with me, I walked away.

On my way back out the Professor stopped me. I asked why he didn’t join in and he said “you really didn’t want me to”. I said you can do whatever you want to but he said he told them not this time. I asked if he would have done it if I weren’t there and he says maybe, but maybe not. He was tired and not especially attracted to the woman. He says he might have “taken one for the team” though. I said I don’t want to be his “ball and chain” and he told me to stop it.

He leaned against a table and pulled me up to kiss him. He asked if there was anyone there I wanted to play with tonight. Not really. I just wasn’t in the right frame of mind. Then a woman that he knows walked by and he stopped her, making some sort of joke. Her husband came up soon after and started talking with us, as well as a man who I had sex with once before in an after party orgy. Once the professor got talking to the guy who had been in our previous orgy the woman looked over at me and said cattily “well, you are a lot prettier than he SAID you were”. My face fell and her husband was watching but the Professor didn’t hear. She flicked her hair and turned the other way, refusing to look at me while her husband attempted to make up for it by repeatedly telling me how beautiful I am and how they like to tease.

The Professor only saw the behavior of the husband, who turned to him and apologized, again saying I was really beautiful. I felt myself growing more and more upset. Would the Professor really say something like that about me or was she just being a bitch? I finally asked him, did you really say that? “Say what?” and I told him of her comment. He said “NO, of course not, I’ve never told them anything about how you look.” Later he told me he’d previously turned down that couple when he and I were together because he told them he was spending the evening with me instead. He says he hasn’t slept with her but they’d asked him a couple of times. I guess she was jealous but it was not a good end to my already sucky evening. I tend to be really sensitive about people not liking me for no reason.

Anyhow, I left and went home with the professor. We ended up having a long talk and finally seeming to make up. I spent the night with him and we had great sex, even though it was really late and he’d originally said we could just cuddle together and go to sleep since we were so emotionally tired. More good sex in the morning but I’m still a little leery of my ability to attend swinger parties with him in the future. Part of me wants to prove that it was just a one- time bout with insecurity but part of me wonders if I am cut out for this at all.

There were some factors that affected me, like the fact that I was a couple days before starting my period and I tend to hit rock bottom emotionally then. It seems to bring out the worst insecurities in me as well. He says he was extra tired from a long day of refereeing tournament games and that is why he may have seemed more distant in the beginning. He also claims that it is perfectly normal in “the Lifestyle” for people to invite one part of a couple to join into an orgy while the other person is left standing there all awkward. I don’t like that much at all. I also feel shy at these parties because he knows a lot of people and I don’t. I’m someone that in some situations can really live it up and be wild at a party but other times I can appear reserved. It really depends on my comfort level and the vibe of the party and those around me. This was not one of my good nights. I also was sober. Maybe I’m better off drunk, lol.

Some of the stuff I just need to deal with on my own, like flipping out over him going into that room with that woman. I don’t think he is someone who would actually abandon me at a party but I’ve had a guy do that to me in the past, actually LEFT me there while he took off with the other woman so my inner panic was due to things in the past that have happened to me. I wasn’t feeling “hot” that night either due to so many women being in lingerie and it didn’t help that the DJ said he didn’t recognize me right away since I was “wearing so many clothes” this time. In an honest assessment, I still probably looked better than 75% of the women there, who were older, unattractive, or obese, but my focus was on the young women with perfect bodies who never had kids and can run around near naked without feeling any fear.

My self- image isn’t at its best after years of being sexually rejected by my ex- husband. I can’t even wear a bikini at the lake without worrying about my body. One on one I know guys like me and I can drum up my confidence, but when it comes to comparing myself with other women I often feel I come up short. UGH. I so need to get over that!! Especially if I am ever going to go to a swinger party again!! I swear half the women looked like the lady in the picture above. Really. So honestly, if you saw me there you’d think I was being ridiculous.

Well, there you have it! My insecurities laid bare. I suck. I’m so mad at myself for acting that way. The downside of the swing hit me hard. I hope I can make it back up to the top and actually have FUN next time, if there is one.

31 thoughts on “Swinger party gone wrong

  1. Very well written and it was a delight to read.

    I feel the situation here, the Professor is not attracted to you but you have an attraction for him. In some way, I feel, you were hoping that he would become interested in you? Essentially, I feel, you had expectations for that night that were not going to be met. Furthermore, I feel, after reading your article the Professor may have been ineffectively trying to let you know he is not interested but because he lacks to social skills to communicated effectively, it came out in a very inappropriate way at the party.

    • Thanks. I don’t think he is uninterested in me at all. That was me and my thoughts and my own insecurities that I was lost in. Normally he acts very interested and as he pointed out to me when we were standing outside he wouldn’t be out there freezing his ass off for me and going out of his way to try and make me feel better if he wasn’t into me! 🙂 :p

  2. I don’t drink a whole lot and when I do I’m actually a super friendly drunk, not a problematic one.

    Ditto!

    You must be a Gemini. I recognize a lot of myself in this blog. Well written, girlfriend! One thing I’ve learned about swinging, it can be hard on couples psychologically. Which is exactly what you just described. Nobody likes rejection, regardless of where it seems to be coming from. But we all have to love ourselves, regardless. It’s rough sometimes, especially when you encounter game players and haters.

    • I’m actually a Virgo, lol. I’ve always hated the way they describe Virgos though. They make us sound all prude and uptight. Pssshhhh…. I have been called “efficient” though and I am a major perfectionist and self critical, which is why you get me tearing myself apart like I did in the above post over little things.

      I really think it was all me. He is a great guy and respectful and honestly wasn’t trying to upset me at all. He could easily have jumped in on that orgy or not tried to make me feel better but he WAS trying to look out for me. I agree that it can be difficult on people psychologically. What’s harder than sharing someone you care about sexually? Eeek! Yet I think if you can get over those hurdles it can be fun. He keeps telling me that I just need to relax and realize its just sex and not something to get stressed about. When I am in a better frame of mind I can agree.

  3. Sorry you had a hard time of it – and no it is not for everyone but the good news is you have a great list of things to talk about and some situations you should never put yourself in. Parties like that, for me, i need notice and not something I can just show up too on the fly. I need to be in that head-space, you’re right, and if I am not there is no way to get me into it.

    emotional PMS thing is hard too, I mean often that can just lead to feelings of being out of control – but your relationship is priority and this might be a situation to come up again for you both, definitely worth talking about with each other. It’s hard to keep ’emotions’ out of it, but setting rules with each is a good start but so is ending the conversation.

    Best of luck,
    Pyx

    • Thanks and so true. The weird thing is that the woman who made the catty sounding comment and her husband keep trying to contact the Professor, asking to get together with him and his “girlfriend” (meaning me, lol). So maybe I took her totally wrong out of my super sensitivity and mood. Maybe her comment wasn’t meant to be nasty but was instead, her idea of a joke. I need to watch that I don’t overreact because I can have that tendency, especially when I’m in a “mood” like I was that night.

      • Oh the cool thing about meeting other couples or active people one on one is that the next time you go to a party, you already know them and have some background history in common! that’s cool. I hope you give them a shot and we get to peek in (read) about it.

        Best of luck again

    • @Pyz- To summarize you last point, this is typical chic behavior in that women will almost always chime away for exclusivity and get emotionally attached to a guy in this case.

      • Socialkenny: I stay clear of designating emotions based on gender – as a woman that has been involved in the sexual lives of others for twenty years now, I have been host to males at our swingers parties that feel/behave this way too: one recently who cant get over the fact his wife enjoyed fucking strange cock and he left her.

        Theory is one thing but doing it is a whole other can o beans.

        The reality being that if chics and dudes cant talk about stuff before they get there, it’s going to be hard to talk about it afterwards so head it off as best you can – talk about it, set some rules and work at having a good experience. Nothing is guaranteed, no man or woman is entitled to this and lets give the author some due credit: she went! Not that many women I know of would be so open as to experiment let alone open themselves up to try. I think it helps some people to write it out before they try to talk it out.

      • Ok cool. Understood. But for “20 years now”!!? You look like you’re 16 lmao!! Didn’t know you had a sex life spanning more than 20 years already! Just saying.
        Sent from my BlackBerry® device

  4. I’m confused. Well not actually, but I don’t see why you came off as so attached with the professor at the party. I mean technically, y’all are not a couple. That was insecure on your part. And you admitted it.

    • Yeah, I was in my feelings. I think maybe I have fallen a little harder for him than I like to admit, even to myself. :/ It is hard for me when we are having that much sex and its good. He on one hand acts like he’s into me but other things he does have me questioning. :s Men are so confusing.

      • Well as I think about it, that’s typical behavior from women after sex occurs. You should know that women inject emotions into sex. For men, sex is strictly a physical act to ejaculate. No emotions involved.
        Sent from my BlackBerry® device

  5. That’s what they say!! Then all the marriage books say that men “bond during sex” so that’s why you need to have it all the time. Its like, well, damn, which is it? Men bond during sex or they have no emotional connection? Hmmmmm…..

    • Well those books are bullshit. 99% of those books are written by guys or gals who have no real-world experience in anything relationship. Sex is strictly a “I wanna cum” thing for men. We have not 1 iota of connection/emotions when it comes to sex. And this’ why I’m a pick-up artist instructor; we give the real advice on courtship and sex. Not the BS advice you’re gonna hear on Dr. Phil or read in some magazine.
      Sent from my BlackBerry® device

      • That’s interesting. I’ve seen guys become significantly more affectionate after having sex, so I just assumed they were having the same kind of bonding experience as me, but maybe not.

      • Men do get hooked of course. But that is sexually hooked opposed to emotionally hooked. We do get emotionally invested also, but not via sex. In the seduction/PUA community, we call this “One-itis”, where the guy meets a girl, have sex with her, then becomes hooked on this 1 girl. So guys obviously do get attached sexually. But more to the physical aspect of sex(cumming) than emotional one.
        Sent from my BlackBerry® device

      • See, that’s something that is really hard for me to comprehend. I don’t understand how you can not be emotionally affected by repeatedly having sex with someone, becaue it affects ME so much. When guys say that it makes them sound so cold. Maybe that’s something to discuss in another blog post someday!!

      • Well you’re a woman lol. Women are emotional beings opposed to me who aren’t (at least not nearly as much as women). Men are practical and logically driven. Women are emotionally driven. That’s the difference.
        Sent from my BlackBerry® device

  6. Thanks Pyx 🙂 I’ve been to two other parties with the Professor and the first one we ended up in an orgy afterwards. I also had just met him the night before so wasn’t as emotionally involved, but I do think I could probably do better if I were in a better frame of mind. That couple has been asking to see us so, maybe, lol.

  7. You are right. Its a confidence thing. Once you get used to the fact that in a swingers’ world that comparing is not something that is done (there is no competition), then you will be ready for swinging again. Good luck and I hope you have a much better experience next time.

  8. Honestly, I think he treated you like shit. I would have called a cab.

    This kind of passive-aggressive behavior is just unacceptable; yes, sure, you were at a swinger party, so the dynamics can be weird. But this isn’t the sex parts we’re talking about, it’s the little snipes, the half-concealed insults, the “death by a thousand cuts.”

    I don’t know this guy, so I’m in no position to judge. But if this is at all representative of his behavior… why on earth are you with this man?

    • Really? What do you think were the insults? I don’t think he was intentionally trying to hurt me. I think a lot of what it was is ME and my oversensitivity, especially that night. You are reading it from my viewpoint at the time so feeling all my insecurities with me. Like messing up my name, a lot of people do that and it wasn’t the first time he had accidentally called me that.

      The walking into the Sybian room, I’m not so sure about. Maybe he DID want to talk to that woman without me and I wasn’t just being paranoid. That part seems more likely and I don’t like that but also it is a swinger party. :/ So maybe I was being too jealous.

      Saying we are not a couple, well technically we were not and on the website have different profiles so that is what he meant and I suppose he thought he was being funny saying “I just keep forgetting her name”. Not giving me back my phone was irritating, but I realize he didn’t want me to leave and was afraid I would.

      He didn’t have any control over the people asking him to play and not me (though he chose not to play with them knowing I probably wouldn’t feel good about it) and also couldn’t stop that woman from being catty and bitchy. She acted similarly to me at another party recently and her husband is way too interested in me so that may be part of it.

      When I reread through that I can’t see anything he actually did wrong or with intent to hurt. Maybe I am blind though?

  9. Hmmm. Well, it’s really not my place to judge your relationships, and as you point out — I wasn’t there, and this was all filtered through your perceptions at the time.

    But I find things like “forgetting” your name to be telling. I mean, either he really DID forget your name, in which case he can’t be all that attached to you, or he was just pretending to — and that’s just a cruel joke, especially at a swinger party.

    Saying you are not a couple — okay, sure, maybe it’s technically true. But does he have to make a point of saying it? I mean, I had people refer to my ex-gf as my “wife” more times than I can count, and I never went out of my way to correct them.

    Ultimately, what I read of his behavior in your post was that he took you to this party, but he was in search of someone else. He was taking you for granted, hurting your feelings, and *not really caring* about it. Even the fact that afterwards he told you you were oversensitive; when someone tells you that you’ve hurt their feelings, the correct response is not “you’re too sensitive” (which is basically an insult; what’s WRONG with you, can’t you just shrug it off???) The correct response is to say “I’m sorry if I’ve hurt your feelings.” You can say this *even if you don’t think you’re wrong*, because it’s not admitting “fault,” it’s just saying the truth — I care about you, and I am sorry that my actions hurt you.

    I feel a bit of chagrin at sticking my nose into your business; it really IS none of my business. Everything has a context and a backstory and I’m sure that there are elements of this that would color my opinion. But just from *your description* of his behavior, it sounds as though he behaved in a thoughtless and immature manner towards you, he was basically just using you as a “party prop” to try to find a different sex partner, and when you tried to express your hurt feelings towards him (in what sounded to me like an adult and mature way), he essentially invalidated them and belittled you. It’s your relationship, but like I said — I wouldn’t put up with that; my one absolute, cardinal rule in relationships is this: you will treat me with, at the very least, respect… or you’re history.

    Sorry to be an opinionated ass.

    • Don’t be sorry. I appreciate your point of view and it is making me think. I DID feel like I was being used as a party prop so he could get to other women and I want to believe that was my fear talking there but am not 100% sure. That is part of my own insecurity I guess but there is always the possibility it has truth behind it.

      He did used to go to more parties by himself and obviously got laid so in some ways I think I am more of a hindrance than a help, being more picky and all that. HE doesn’t seem to think so though. He says many more people and women interact with him when I am there. So it’s hard to say.

      Actually after the last party, that was at a hotel and where I discovered he had lied to me, he was upset that I had gotten so much MORE attention than him. He felt left out I think and part of it was because I wasn’t happy with him and not making an effort to include him. Part of me was thinking that is selfish of him, didn’t he realize I was upset? But also I do understand not feeling included probably hurt his feelings too.

      At the time I wrote this post I think we had been seeing each other about 3 months and he had messed up my name a few times. He hasn’t done it since then. He also hasn’t introduced us as “not a couple” since I expressed my feelings about it so I want to give him the benefit of the doubt. He does seem like he’s trying not to do the things that hurt and bother me.

      That IS true about the “you’re too sensitive” comment and I do need to watch out for that so thank you for bringing it to my attention. No relationship is perfect so I don’t want to expect too much but I do want to watch out for lack of respect. So I guess what I am looking for is a willingness to work things out when we do have issues and do it in a mature way. So far he seems able to do THAT better than most guys I have been with.

  10. Honestly, I know you didn’t ask for my opinion but I don’t like the sound of this guy for you. Lots of things but the one that stands out is that he wouldn’t give you your phone. He should have given you your phone and when you wanted to go allowed you to do so. I’ve fallen for people like this before and been badly hurt. Take care of your heart around him.

    • Hey, thanks. When people comment stuff like this it does make me second guess things a bit. At this point, (the party in this entry was like over 5 months ago), I have fallen kind of hard for him already but it’s true I don’t have the greatest track record for picking guys that are good for me. I know that wasn’t the best thing for him to do though I do understand he probably was just really not wanting me to leave him there and didn’t know what to do.

      I am sitting here wondering how difficult it would be for me to let go of him at this point, just how invested I have become, and I think yeah, it would be really hard. 😦 We’ve gotten close and he’s really the only person I talk to and tell my everyday stuff to. I’ve been through a lot lately and he’s been a big part of my support system.

      I think to some extent, I am guarding my heart by not being completely monogamous with someone, but really I’m not so sure. :/ I’ve still managed to fall pretty hard. I hope that I was overreacting about stuff when I wrote this and misinterpreting his behavior. I do think overall that he really cares about me now. I’m not gonna say he hasn’t made mistakes and that I haven’t but I think his heart is in the right place.

      • *hugs* I’ve been there, so I know how it is. The best you can do is decide for yourself what you will and won’t accept from him, and to communiciate it very clearly so you’ll know if a line is crossed. That’s good advice for any relationship, though.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s